Cosmo SSL Review: Jan 2013 #3: Only 1/3? Really?

Share

Tweet

I am now continuing my SSL Review of the January 2013 Cosmo article "Rebound Sex, The Right Way." by Casey Gueren. I reviewed the main part of the article HERE. In this post, I will comment on the "Rebounding by the Numbers" part, which is just the results of a poll conducted on Cosmopolitan.com in this one.

So in the poll, we find out that 62% of women claimed not to orgasm in their rebound sex and 32% did claim to orgasm. Does that not seem like a raw deal, right there? If a men's magazine found that 2/3rds of men couldn't orgasm during rebound sex, wouldn't that be the story? Yet it just sits there on the page in an unremarkable way.

It's so weird to me how there is this confused, bi-polar, forgive and forget kind of understanding of female orgasm, particularly in magazines like this where orgasming during sex is discussed casually all the time; new positions to give you better orgasms; new bedroom tricks. They do also mention from time to time how few women do orgasm from intercourse or how most can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation. It's a very odd dynamic. In the same breath, they try to comfort the vast majority of women out there who don't recognize themselves in the getting-banged-to-orgasm media image of women we are constantly being exposed to but then also heavily contribute to the cultural feeling that sexual women easily orgasm from intercourse.

They point out the insanely large number of women who admit to never orgasming during intercourse, but take no interest in investigating or commenting on it in any thoughtful way. I mean, honestly, if we really just stop to think about that statistic, how crazy is that? It's pretty much the same statistic commonly found when women are asked if they orgasm often or always during just any ol' sex they have. For this type of question too, only about 1/3 say yes. Only a 1/3! I know that statistic is out there and people know about it, but sit and imagine what that says about the realistic, actual female experience with sex. That should be appalling, and incredibly interesting, and we should be really investigating what this means and why it is the case. Instead, if you ask me, as soon as it's written or said aloud, it seems we just sort of pretend it doesn't exist and move on as we always have. It's crazy.

So, I can't blame the article for not being outraged by that number. It's status quo and expected, but I think the insanity of that situation should be pointed out.

Cosmo SSL Review: Jan 2013 #2: At Least They Say Clit!

Share

Tweet

K, here's my 2nd Cosmo SSL review. As you might recall, I'm slowly SSL reviewing the discussions of orgasm in the Cosmo I bought around Christmas time. My first review is HERE. This review is from the article "Rebound Sex, The Right Way" by Casey Gueren. As you may suspect, it's about how to not, well, not get fucked over in your rebound sex endeavor. As is the nature of magazine articles, there are separate but related side snippets and stuff. I'm breaking my critique up into different posts. Next I will (more negatively) review the "Rebound Move to Master" and touch on the rebound sex poll results. For now though, I will just talk about the main article, and it's not so bad really.

Tthere are 2 points where the author says clit. Both times, to my delight, the involvement of the clit is correlated to an enjoyable sexual encounter. In the intro section, she says:

The pressure is on, your emotions are raw, and the sex can end up being a drunken mess with some guy who didn't even attempt to find your clitoris. But it doesn't have to be this way.

Later, when discussing how to find a suitable partner, the author says this:

Little gestures, like offering you his seat at the bar, asking if you're warm enough after someone opens the door, or picking up your jacket when it falls off the chair, let you know that he'll be just as eager to please (read: not only find your clitoris, but spend 20 minutes learning how to work it just right) later on.

I have to give props because the author insinuates that the clitoris is the pleasure center without insinuating (as so many advice pieces do) that the vagina is as important a pleasure center. I will, however, sadly point out that one might assume from reading this article that the responsibility for working the clit lies solely with the dude.

Yes, I get that men seem to get the better end of the one night stand deal, since we have so much more useful knowledge about how to work their ding dong than they have about how to ring our little knobby bell. So, yes, it would be nice to hope for finding a dude that is adept at clitoral figurin,' but the truth is, you'll probably be disappointed. Too many previous lovers faked for his misguided moves; he'll think he can fuck an orgasm out of you like they do in porn; and if you try to touch yourself, he'll think he's failing and try harder at whatever non orgasmic thing he's doing to you. Honestly, if this is just a one night stand, and you don't need to work on teaching him for future reference, it's probably just easier to tell him you want to rub yourself off, (because it's a fantasy of yours) and then do it, do it till you come like the lady you are. Plus, this whole article is promoting the idea of taking control of the rebound sex. So in my opinion that means taking control of your orgasm too. I mean, ladies, if you want something done right, do it yourself.

Paragliding and Crisscrossing - Sexy Slang

Share

Tweet

I've been thinking for a good long time about a slang name for mutual masturbation (two or more people in the same area, working their own naughty bits) and also for simultaneous manual stimulation (two people giving each other hand jobs at the same time). I am a big fan of these; particularly mutual masturbation because it's good for the lady orgasm; it's pregnancy and disease free, and it's super hot. I have a post on its hotness HERE and my vision for the future of Mutual Masturbation HERE.

So, I've been soliciting ideas and such over the last year or so, and I've made a decision. I feel pretty good about it, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Simultaneous Manual Stimulation: I'm going to call this CrissCrossing. If you don't use the word crisscross normally, it means to overlap or intersect or to pass back or forth, through or over. Why Crisscrossing?  It seems like a sort of innocent, young word (I think they call sitting cross legged on the floor "crisscross applesauce" now at a lot of elementary schools). It has a sweetness worthy of the fairly un-risky and trusting nature of the act, but it also brings to mind an entanglement; a disheveled, joined situation. It hold both a playfulness and a messy connection - both of which describe a good sexual encounter.

Mutual Masturbation: I've taken to calling it MM for short over the last year or so since it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Feel free to call it that, but I've decided on Paragliding as the official SSL mutual masturbation slang. Why Paragliding? Well, para is a prefix that can mean beside, next to, or near, so it clearly fits here since we're talking about something done beside, next to, or near another person. Gliding, well, gliding just sounds like masturbation to me. An oiled up hand gliding up and down a hard dick; some lubed fingers gliding across a swollen clit; the cotton crotch of some panties sliding in circles against a slick vulva as hips press against a pillow, a slippery dong slithering in and out of a rolled up towel or a recently bought Fleshlight. I'm telling you, I could go on.

If you ask me, any kind of male or female masturbation is best when it includes some slickness, some gliding. However, I also like the term paragliding because it has an airy freedom to it. It is a sport where a person gets to float through the air, moving at his or her whim. It is also a very mobile and solitary sport. The equipment is light and can all be moved around in a backpack. It's like masturbation; it's freeing, personal,  exciting, empowering, and can go with you anywhere. 

Paragliding and Crisscrossing - what do you think?

***Mere hours after posting this, I'm having 2nd thoughts...Do you think Hand Gliding is a better option than Paragliding??

Picture -Wikipedia Creative commons http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:TegelbergParaglider_gobeirne.jpg

Our Kickstarter Party Pics (From a Year Ago)

Share

Tweet

Charlie and I were looking through some old pictures on the computer - you know, checkin' out the nieces and nephew's b-days and such - and then we saw the pics from our Kickstarter Party from December 17th 2011 - about a year ago. Well, I figured I might as well share a few of them since we're all personal and friendly like on this blog these days.

It was a pretty awesome day actually. For those who weren't around back when we were doing it, let me let you in on what went down. We started a Kickstarter campaign to raise $20,000 for the recording of our score and proper sound finalization for Science, Sex and the Ladies. We hadn't spent anything on the movie up to that point except our own pocket money over the last 10 years, and we really wanted to make sure the sound and music was fabuloso - too many indie movies drop the ball on that. Plus, we had an awesome composer willing to collaborate with us, so we could put all the money into things like professional musicians, recording spaces and top notch audio work. Anyway, my point is, we thought the money could make a huge impact on our movie, but we weren't used to this whole fundraising thing, and I'm gonna be real honest - my stomach was in knots for the whole 30 days. The thing about Kickstarter is that if you don't get enough pledges to meet your goal by the end of the fundraising period, then no one pays and you get no money at all. So, we kinda really, really wanted to make sure we made our goal.

Like I said, the life was slowly being sucked out of me for the whole of the 30 days. To really make it on Kickstarter, you have to work your ass off, advertising, contacting, making good on goal point promises. We started out strong. It got a little slow, and then the last 36 hours, we started getting pledges like crazy. It was enough to make my stomach do back flips out my throat. We had planned a party to start right after the funding period ended, and long story short, we went right up to the last minute, but we made our goal. It was an incredible relief, so the party was a well needed celebration. (BTW, we are only a month or 2 away from the final finished movie with all the music and sound stuff finished!!!). Anyway, here is a quick picture tour of the party.

Our good friends the Fritz's came by early to help decorate and shoot the shit. The Shindig was at the home Barnaby moved into just a couple months before (he had not yet acquired 3 orange cats).

I'm obsessed with colored lights (and it was 8 days before Christmas), so we strung up lights all over the house.  Charlie's brother Andrew is delicately placing lights around the food as Barnaby watches (and I can only assume worries about something.)

People were pretty much just standing around checking the status on their phones at the beginning, probably worried we'd be just about 500 dollars short and start begging them to pledge or something (we weren't allowed to pledge on our own campaign). Honestly, that is kind of terrifying, I'm surprised anyone came, really. Below is one of our actors (and my cuz) Tim Stroud and Ms. Stephanie Fritz below that.

 That's me, Charlie, and Barnaby huddled around the computer just after we made our goal. What's up now, ya'll!

Let the party begin, party people! As you can see, it was quite civilized.

Me and Barnaby. I want to point out that Barnaby had just shaved down to a disturbingly styled mustache as a reward to our supporters after we got our 100th backer. He also kissed someone and did a break dance routine for other rewards during the campaign. Respect.

Our fine and mysterious actor, Mr. Joshua Ramsey, came by to hang with us for a while. It was quite a privilege to see you, sir, quite a privileged indeed.

 Charlie with a tie on over his AnC T-shirt. He was about to fire off a confetti gun in Barnaby's new house. What an asshole. I might have shot some off too.

 After lots of friendly conversation, congratulatory hugs, and drunken basement ping-pong, the party was over....just like this damn movie will be soon....finally.

Oh, and here's the Barnaby break dancing video we made as a reward for a supporters...just for fun.

I'm Inspired To Get A Little Personal Up In Here

Share

Tweet

I received a comment on one of my blog posts that touched me more than the person probably knows. It made me want to write a post that was more personal than usual. I actually have a lot of personal things that I feel could be useful to say on this blog, but I don't know exactly how to speak about them or even if I should. I feel inspired a bit now though after hearing encouraging words from a reader; another woman who lives far away from me, a woman I would have never met, a woman who shares with me, as she does with all women, a struggle between what she knows through her own experience and her own body and what the culture would have us believe; a woman, that like us all, is living and learning within the strange and thorny reality of female sexuality. So, I decided to open up slightly more than I usually do. I will touch on a few points without too much detail - just to get them out there, and then I'm going to elaborate on some for later posts. So here goes.

1  Working towards orgasm equality is very personal to me. I, like most (and frankly I suspect all) women, have struggled with orgasm. At different times the struggle was different and was involved with different aspects of my sexuality and orgasm, but with the insight I have now, I can see that it is always related to the discrepancy between what is real and what I expect/wish/am told things should be like. I don't talk about any of this in a specific way very often here. You might be surprised to hear, but I am a pretty private person. Plus, I also don't want to muddy my arguments with lots of "personal experience stories" and open myself up to critics who would skew the orgasm equality arguments toward flaws they see in me as a person or my personal experiences. I fear that kind of argument twisting, particularly when I feel so strongly that the arguments surrounding the orgasm equality movement hold true with or without me and my experiences.

That said though, I feel like relaying my personal experiences with this stuff could be beneficial. I am a woman. I have struggled with these issues, and I have that perspective to draw from when I speak on them. I also think that it's important every once in a while to mention that I don't have it all figured out. I stand strongly behind the definition of orgasm I put forth and behind the need to shift societal norms, and I believe cultural and personal embracing of those ideals are essential for orgasm equality, but I don't mistake those essential first steps for a cure-all to each and every woman's struggles with orgasms and sexuality.

We ladies, even with the knowledge, comradery, and confidence that can be gained with personal and societal embracing of orgasm equality principals, are still the same little girls who grew up in this culture and acquired the sexual hang-up we deal with daily. We're the same women who had the particular sexual experiences that made us understand sexuality and orgasm the way we do. Our partners still grew up in this society; having the same instincts and insecurities they have always had. We all still came of age watching media that glorifies lies about how women's bodies should react to and experience sexual encounters.

It's not easy for ourselves or our partners to shake the ingrained feelings and exceptions *(I meant expectations)* about our sex lives. So, I want to reassure any women out there that even after you take the ideas of the orgasm equality movement to heart, you will still have struggles, but you won't be alone in them. The road to orgasm equality is a journey, and we got on this train after our formative years had passed. But, please know that the changes we make now will go a long way in making it an easier journey for all the young people that come after us.

2  I have felt quite uncertain about my stance at varying times over the past 11 years I've been researching and making this movie. Mainly it's been about saying outright that stimulation of the vagina does not cause orgasm (Before you start squawking about this statement, please see my full explanation HERE). As the years have gone by, I have yet to find good physiological evidence to go against that statement. However, there is plenty of personal statements from women that do refute it. So, basically by making that statement, I'm telling some women that I don't care what they say about their own experiences with their own bodies, the evidence points against their descriptions of "vaginal orgasms" (Again - check HERE for a full explanation before you squawk).

I want to say that it's never been easy to make that statement so plainly. I get terrified all the time that I'm making the wrong decision, but then when I stand back and look at it, I know I'm doing the right thing - at least the best I can do. I feel more and more comfortable and justified about that statement each passing year, but when women speak to me and tell me that it makes sense to them too, it feels particularly good. Although I rationally know why I'm doing this, it still feels mean sometimes, so knowing some women find it helpful keeps me from letting that kernel of doubt I always have from creeping up too much.

3  I believe it is possible for confident, sexual, smart women to say they have orgasms through vaginal stimulation alone - when they actually do not. My best defense of that idea is only really verified by my personal experience, so I've never been quite sure how to talk about it well and am not really sure I should, but what the hell?

I used to fake orgasms from intercourse, but I didn't really think of it that way. If you'd talked to me as a friend or asked me on a survey back then, I'm sure I would have been one of the "lucky 30%" of women who could orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone...but it was a lie...but it also wasn't a lie because I believed it. I can't remember exactly how I thought about it. I think maybe it was more that I didn't give it much logical thought. I don't remember feeling like a faker or a liar. I felt like a very sexually informed and very sexually "free" woman. I was well into researching this movie before I really realized and acknowledged that I didn't actually orgasm that way. I can't remember all the details of how I came to that point, but I do remember that around that time I started to get frustrated and resentful about certain aspects of my sex life - and I clearly see now that it had a lot to do with my non-orgasms.

It is honestly hard to understand now, looking back, how I thought about all this, but I think it is important to say that I did lie to myself about my orgasm and for a number of years. I can't believe that I'm the only women who has had that experience of convincingly lying to herself about orgasm. It seems ridiculous, but I believe there are more women like me who are so confused or who feel such disconnect between their exceptions *(I meant expectations)* vs. their actual experience or who are so optimistic that we actually will ourselves into orgasming from acts we believe should make us orgasm.

Maybe I am a completely unique individual, but I doubt it. I think this is an unexamined phenomenon, and I'm trying to decide how to speak more about it without sounding crazy or undermining my other arguments about orgasm equality.

4  I want to give my biggest gratitude to all those reading my blog and engaging with me. I want your opinions, and I want you to challenge me, and I want to explore this subject with you. You all are everything to this movement, and I thank you for even being open to listening to these ideas.

Bonobos Ladies Get Some Clit Stim

Share

Tweet

I don't know if you know this, but I'm a big fan of the Bonobos. Also called Pygmy Chimps, these endangered animals, along with regular ol' Chimpanzees, share the honor of being our closest evolutionary relatives. Bonobos are most known for all the sexy times they share together, and if you don't remember hearing about these in school it might be because it's hard to talk about them without also discussing their very sexual culture, so your 8th grade science book may not have included them.

Anyway, I saw this video with Harvard Anthropologist Dr. Richard Wrangham explaining a bit about Bonobos. A note though, the actual visuals of this video are kinda weird. It's actually a phone interview conducted by Dr. Susan Block, and there are strange fade/cuts to her bejeweled hands at random times, and it ends with a sorta blurry psychedelic shot of her rubbing her butt sensually in front of a TV screen playing clips of Bonobos. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy some creative imagery, but I'm just saying it's a bit unexpected. Also, please don't take this as me knocking ol' Dr. Susan Block. She's got a lot of respect for Bonobos - and I got respect for that.

Sometimes Lady-gasm Advice isn't Perfect But It's Okay

Share

Tweet

As you know, I'm harsh on advice articles about how to give women orgasms, and why not? The way our culture speaks about women and orgasms is, well, utterly misinformed, and nothing will change unless people start pointing out the ridiculousness and ignorance. On the other hand, I'm feeling generous today. Well, maybe it's not just that I'm feeling generous. I also have a soft spot for good intentions. So, I'm going to be highlighting the good, rather than the bad in this NetDoctor (The UK's leading independent health website!), article, titled How To Help Your Female Partner Have Orgasms. I do believe it came from good intentions, but I would still have no problem crushing it like an old 7UP can if it didn't also contain basically correct physiological information - which it does. There is nothing that irks me more than "medical" internet writings that clearly have a misunderstanding of female anatomy, orgasm physiology or both.


The Good

1 The article clearly states in a number of ways that women orgasm from clitoral stimulation.

Please bear in mind that – contrary to what many men think – sexual intercourse by itself is not likely to produce an orgasm. This is because intercourse alone is not very good at stimulating the woman's clitoris. Nearly all females need additional stimulation of the clitoris by fingers or mouth.

 Plus, in the "What To Do" list, there's this:

9. remember that stimulation of the clitoris is the key to female orgasm.

2  The article does not, after discussing how important the clitoris is, go on to talk about intercourse and different positions as ways for women to achieve orgasm. It also does not speak of clitoral stimulation as "one way" of achieving orgasm or as something "some women" need. It directly links stimulation of the clitoris with the ability to achieve orgasm, and it leaves it at that - as it should. 

3  It is a very basic, high-level, explanation, but the article does explain the physiology of female orgasm correctly and rightly points out how similar it is to male orgasm.

What happens in a woman's body during a climax is very like what happens in your (male) body when you ejaculate. In other words, there's a feeling of increasing excitement, building up to a point where everything 'blows' in a great blast of ecstasy. This 'orgasmic moment' is characterised by surges of contractions in the sex organs, occurring almost every 0.8 seconds.

The Bad

1  This statement about multiple orgasms:

This ability is extremely rare in males. Relatively few young women can achieve multiple orgasm, because it's an ability that usually has to be learned. But with the help of a skilled lover, most women can eventually achieve the capacity for multiple orgasms – if they so desire.

First off, I don't think this statement about more older women having multiple orgasms is backed up by any real data. There is certainly no citation for it in the article, and it doesn't jive with any stats I've ever heard. Unsubstantiated statements like this are unnecessary and misleading.

Secondly, this does the annoying thing where it discusses "multiple orgasms" and doesn't explain what they are. With only pop media knowledge of multiple orgasms, a reader could easily get the impression that it is some kind of super uber-orgasm that lasts all night. Actually, it is just the situation in which if a woman continues stimulation of her clitoris immediately after an orgasm, she could have another orgasm or a few quite quickly. Some women might even think of it as 1 particularly long orgasm. This isn't something that normally happens for men, so it is nice for us ladies, but it should be put in perspective given the tall tales about multiple orgasms all over our cultural lore. Multiple orgasms aren't all night affairs. They, necessarily, happen in fairly quick succession. It's as if women can have an orgasm that's 2 to 5 times longer than a man's, but the total time is still only measured in seconds or a small number of minutes. 

Thirdly, I don't like the impression this gives that multiple orgasms are some magical prize a woman gets for picking the right "skilled lover" to "teach" her how to manipulate her own body. Women make their own orgasms, just as men make their own.  Yeah, I get it...the article is specifically about how to "Help Your Female Partner Have Orgasms," so I can see why the statement may have been made in that way. However, I think the all to common idea that men give orgasms and that women don't have to experiment with and work for their own orgasms is a major contributor to non-orgasm not-having all over the world. If this were my world, every advice article about female orgasm would include a statement about how a woman could simply experiment with masturbation to find a good reliable way of achieving orgasm (even multiple ones), and then work with her partner to bring that tried and true way into the bedroom. Sha-Bam! Orgasm anytime you want one! It's not hard, and it's not much different than how men do it (They just have the luxury of "normal" sex being similar to the types of stimulation they use during masturbation). Advice articles almost never says this, and if they do, it's usually all mixed in with lots of additional bad advice. (Exceptions are the books 5 Minutes to Orgasm Every Time and For Yourself.)

The Bad But Good Too

2  This article is heavy on the idea that women's orgasms are different than men's in that male orgasms are just physical and women's are deeply linked to things like feelings and romance and stuff like that.

 ...perhaps the most important thing to realise about female climaxes is that with women, it's not a mechanical thing – as it generally is with men. You see, most males will ejaculate quite quickly if they have their penises rubbed. This applies even if the circumstances aren't very romantic – or even if they don't particularly like the person who's doing the rubbing! Women are not like this. Female orgasm isn't a push-button response. The conditions have to be right.
Although females vary, many women need the following if they're going to reach a climax easily:

• a romantic atmosphere
• pleasant, comfortable surroundings
• a partner who they really like
• a feeling of being wanted and appreciated
• a good flow of natural lubrication - so that the delicate female parts don't get sore
• a skilled partner who knows how to stimulate the clitoris.

Unless you can provide the above, you are not going to have great success in giving your partner orgasms.

 This is annoying to me because orgasm, by it's very nature, is as much of a physical thing for females as it is for males. Men need penile stimulation and females need clitoral stimulation. It is as simple as that. However, it is also not that simple. To very loosely paraphrase Master's and Johnson in their book Human Sexual Inadequacy, the orgasm is a natural physiological event, and any healthy body is capable of achieving it with the correct physical stimulation, but it can easily be blocked by things that the brain be doin' and think'.

So, here's my dilemma. When we speak of the female orgasm like it is somehow more connected to emotion and circumstance than men's, we are further selling the myth that the female orgasm is innately different; as if it's mysterious and unknowable. Working for orgasm equality partly means busting that myth and making sure that people understand the physical basis of female orgasm and its similarity to the male orgasm. Without that correct understanding, the wrong types of physical stimulation will continue to predominate and women will continue to not orgasm in large numbers.

On the other hand, women in general do kinda "need" more (romance, personality, whatever) to get into the mood, to stay in the mood, and to get to an orgasm. I discuss reasons why with great detail in the movie, but in short, it ain't some innate female difference in biological make-up. We ladies as a whole have way more mediocre, bad, and simply non-orgasmic past experiences with sex that can add to the "blocking" our arousal and orgasm. For one simple example, most women do not have an orgasm during their first experience of sexual intercourse. Most men do. Clearly, for reasons nothing more than orgasm, the raw physical associations that men have with sex after that first time are different - more sexual - you might say. Just think about that for a moment, and then think about the types of sexual experiences women vs. men have over a lifetime. If a woman only orgasmed 60% of the time she had sexual encounters (and honestly, I think that's high for a lot of women) and her male partners orgasmed more like 90-95% of the time, is it any wonder who would be in the mood sex quicker, more often, and in more situations?

So, for real life advice, telling a man to make sure the atmosphere is comfortable and romantic and that the lady feels appreciated...is actually not bad advice. Since for women in general orgasm is not something that can be reliably or sometimes ever associated with partnered sexual acts, it's not a bad idea to enhance the other pleasurable parts of sex (like romance, emotional connection, arousal, ect) so that there can be as many good associations with sex as possible. It's just that the back story for why it's true irks the hell out of me - and I desperately want to change the cultural situation that makes sex this different for men and women.

So, I begrudgingly approve of this article, not because it's perfect, but because it's better than most, because it's largely physiologically accurate, and because I'm feeling soft-hearted today...but don't get used to it.

Sexy Orgasm Equality Approved Songs

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Cosmo SSL Review - Jan 2013 #1

Share

Tweet

Waiting in line during Christmas shopping, Charlie and I saw the Jan 2013 Cosmopolitan Magazine: With Bonus Big Fat Astrology Guide to Your Love Life in 2013! So we were thumbing through it, and since we were on a kind of money bleeding splurge anyway, we decided to buy it. I say it was a good buy, too. Not only did I find out that I should be careful who I vent my job frustrations to, but it (as Cosmos always do) also has tons of discussions of female orgasm, which are begging to be SSL critiqued.

In all seriousness, Cosmo is something that young women and teenagers love to get their hands on. It is supposed to be for adult professional women, but honestly, it reads like a spicier version of Seventeen, and a lot of young people get their early learnings about orgasm from it. It is influential in this way, and so I think it should be critiqued harshly and often.

So, as I'm reading this Cosmo, I am noting articles that discuss female orgasm and writing SSL Review posts for each of them. This is the first, and it involves the section called "Confessions."  It's just like YM magazine's "Say Anything" column about readers' most embarrassing moments, and although it's more sexy, the things discussed as "embarrassing" are just as juvenile.

Anyway, Christine K. writes in saying that after a few dates with a guy, she invited him over for a night in to watch some movies, which she said "we both knew was code for hooking up." Ol' Christine K. was cleaning up the apartment furiously the day of, and had stuffed all her random knickknancks into her bedside table. Well, the lovebirds were all snuggled in her bed about to start watching a movie, when her man asked where the remote was...and well let me have her tell you the rest.

I remembered I'd thrown it into the drawer of my bedside table with the other clutter when I was cleaning, so I told him to reach in there and get it, since it was on his side. Well, he grabbed what he thought was my remote control...and pulled out my vibrator! I was so embarrassed, I couldn't even get into the mood after that. #SexFail
-Christine K.

 Come on, since when is the uncovering of a vibrator a Sex Fail? That's a Sex Win! Seriously though, this is a grown ass woman who invited a grown ass man over to her home with the shared assumption that the two will engage in sexual acts. Yet, for some reason, the very idea that this grown, clearly sexual woman might own a vibrator is somehow appalling and humiliating. Is it that he might know that she, gasp, masturbates? Is it that seeing a vibrator might let on to her man friend that she is, my lord, interested in sex (even though she already invited him over for what she and he both know is for a sexual encounter)? It just seems exceedingly silly and ridiculous that a woman would be so mortified by a potential lover finding her vibrator; so mortified in fact that she completely lost interest in the sexual encounter. I mean, really, finding a vibrator should get the party started, not ruin the mood. I think this just goes to show how awkward our society still is about women and our endeavors into our own sexual pleasure.

It's unfortunate that a magazine supposedly promoting female sexual confidence would publish a letter about the finding of a vibrator by a potential male sex partner in a section about dirty secrets and embarrassing events. It just lets all the women (and particularly the very young women) reading this know that masturbating or taking your sexual pleasure into your own hands is so strange and mortifying, that it's a #SexFail. I'd call this a #CosmoFail

This article gets 1 vulva. It only misses the 0 vulva rating because it acknowledges that women own vibrators.

(!)

Random Hite Report 3

Share

Tweet

It's been a lovely Christmas this 2012, so lovely in fact, that I don't feel like spending much time on writing. That's why I made Charlie type while I read a page from The Hite Report. He is absolutely the better typer, so it was a good and quick choice. And so this, my friends, is the third installment of "Random Hite Report!!" As you know, I love the Hite Report, and frankly, I think everyone needs to read it. I think that reading the thoughts and experiences of these women is useful and important; particularly because even 40 years later they are still so relevant to what's happening in the sexual lives of modern women. Read it - that's all I'm sayin'.

As always, this is one page of the book, flipped to randomly, so it may begin and end abruptly. Enjoy the read.

Pg. 62 The Hite Report Dell. 1976.

mutual activities. Perhaps in the future, we will be able to feel we have the right to enjoy masturbation too - to touch, explore, and enjoy our own bodies in any way we desire, not only when we are alone but also when we are with another person. "The importance of masturbation," as one woman put it, "is really to love and care for yourself totally, as a natural way of relating to your own body. It is a normal activity that would logically be a part of any woman's life."  

"Do you enjoy masturbating?" 

Most women said they enjoyed masturbation physically (after all, it did lead to orgasm), but usually not psychologically.

    Psychologically, they felt lonely, guilty, unwanted, selfish, silly, and generally bad. Other words that were frequently used included "uncomfortable, adrift, uneasy, pathetic, ashamed, empty, cheap, dirty, self-centered, silly, disgusted," and "self-conscious." as one woman said, "Too me, masturbation seems lonely, childish, self-absorbed; everything I'd rather not have as part of my sex experience. I do it sometimes, but I wouldn't brag about it in public." Other women gave similar opinions:   
    "Physically, I enjoy it, especially if I'm not in a hurry. Psychologically, I sometimes enjoy it but often I feel too self conscious or embarrassed or even guilty, to really get into it. I don't masturbate too often, because I'm sort of prejudiced in favor of sex with a partner, and I'm living with a man (my husband) from whom I'm almost never separated and who usually wants to have sex with me as often as I want to with him. But sometimes I just feel like masturbating and sometimes if we fuck and I don't come, I masturbate afterwards, and sometimes we like for him to hold me while I masturbate, but not really all that often. I probably only masturbate about once a month at most."
    "Yes, I enjoy masturbating. Psychologically I'm not sure. Its not so much that I feel I am doing something 'dirty,' but it does tend to reinforce my fears of being

Play by David Banner - The SSL Review

Share

Tweet

This is my first time SSL reviewing a song. I've thought about it many times, but for some reason I've just never done it. There are mounds upon mounds of songs out there that I would have to give negative SSL reviews for...I mean men can't get enough of singing about how awesome their own dicks are at getting ladies off. However, I recently heard a non-radio cut of the 2005 song "Play" by David Banner, and I felt compelled to give this dirty ass song a good SSL review...that's right, I said good.

When I used to hear this all the time on the radio back when it first came out, I didn't think much of it because the most awesome part of the song, the word "clit," was edited out (the radio version is changed in a few ways). It just seemed like a song about wanting to get a lady wet (in the vag area - if ya catch my drift). However, I now realize it's a song about encouraging a lady to "play with" or "work" her clit till she comes. That's really all the song talks about. There's no talk about him making her come with his big cock or any of those things we usually hear in a sexy song. It's just about a girl sweating hard, masturbating her clit, and getting all slippery down there, but the most amazing part is simply that it says the word "clit." Of all the insane amount of explicit songs out there about females doing sexual things, only a handful ever say clit, and in songs sung by men, it's even less. You'd think the clit would be pretty prominent since it is the female pleasure organ and should be as much a part of sexy music as the dick clearly is, but it's just not the case. The other fantastic aspect of this song is that the guy singing obviously likes what's going on. It's a hot song, so it gives off the idea that a woman playing with her clit till she comes is hot.

I just thought I should give this song the shout-out it deserves for its accurate discussions of what might cause female orgasm, its use of the word clit, and for sexifying the idea of women working their clits to orgasm during a partnered sex act. This is a rare and progressive song. It's just sad, though, that society couldn't reap the benefits even with all the radio play it got because the word "clit" was censored, thus losing the whole meaning of the song.

Some Pics From Our Final Shoot

Share

Tweet

Me and Barnaby's cat on set

So, Science, Sex and the Ladies is, well, like 95% done. It's all edited; the insane amount of compositing is finished; sound effects and credits are all done, and the score is written. We will be recording the score in February and getting a final sound sweetening, but other than that the movie is done. Well, that was until we looked at it again a couple weeks ago, and just could no longer abide by a small part in the early movie. It always bothered us, but suddenly, it just seemed like it dragged the movie down in an unacceptable way. So, we did the only thing we could; we threw together a bad-ass re-shoot in about 10 days. It was merely a 3 minute scene, but it pulled the first part of the movie together better than we even hoped for. The even better part was that we shot this in a real set (created in Barnaby's living room), so didn't have any green screen post work to do.

The scene took place at slumber party in the late 80's, with mom and dad having a frank discussion with the girls about the physiology of a female orgasm. Alicia Walker, Elle Beals, and Emma Weber all played our slumber partiers. I got to be the mom, and Barnaby got to be the Dad. Sarah Murrell was our spectacular (and I really truly mean that) make-up artist. Mr. Jake Fritz boomed for us, and our nephew Drake joined us as much needed additional crew.

This was a fun shoot, not just because of the sweet 80's stylings, but because the people were great. Thanks to all our cast and crew. This is the actual, truly true, final shoot for SSL, and you all made it a great one! Enjoy the pics.

Alicia enjoying a brew and some sweet keyboarding on set (she was allowed to drink because she didn't have a line, was over 21, and is super cool)

Barnaby, looking like the sensitive and knowledgeable father he is. His profession is probably in psychology.

Elle rockin' a rad 'do

The whole cast

Emma, with stale popcorn and awesome crimped hair

Jake Fritz, our boom operator, eating gross prop popcorn and looking good

Charlie and Drake working hard

Borowicz's looking suave

New Girl: Season 2 Episode 9 - The SSL Review

Share

Tweet

I was watching the latest episode of the TV show New Girl recently, and as luck would have it, there was a storyline about female orgasm. Of course the word orgasm was never said, being that this was on network television, but this episode is clearly a piece of media that contributes to the cultural understanding of female sexual release. More simply, I'm saying this episode is more than eligible for an SSL review.

A little about New Girl. It's a network sitcom starring Zooey Deschenel, and it took me about 5 or 6 episodes to get into. It wasn't that funny at first, and honestly if I didn't have Netflix and wasn't able to watch all the first episodes in like 2 hours; if I would have had to wait a week between each episode, I would have just stopped after the 1st or 2nd. I didn't though, and I think it's pretty funny now. It's come into its own, and largely because of Schmidt (Max Greenfield), who happens to be the character that my SSL review revolves around.

Some background on Schmidt; he's a dude that values expensive taste in his clothing, decor, food, personal beauty products, etc. He's kind of a shallow ass in that way, but he's also a man that values the emotional side of friendship, thoughtful consideration, good social manners and cleanliness. He's actually pretty awesome in this other way. Schmidt also believes he is a connoisseur of the ladies. The clues in the show thus far have indicated that he is phenomenal in bed. There seems to be nothing that is off limits when it comes to enjoying the pleasures of the flesh. He is open to all things and all knowledge. His endeavors are often made out to be over the top weird, vocal, costume-y, and quite pleasing to the ladies.

In this episode, after a raucous night of sex, with his boss, she tells him that she wasn't even close to "getting there," and he is immediately devastated. I think he actually says his whole world view is broken now.

Luckily, there is a dinner party going on outside his bedroom door which includes a lesbian gynecologist, and Schmidt being Schmidt immediately titles her a "va-genius" and asks her for advice - which she agrees to give if he makes an appointment at her office. He makes the appointment, goes, and in the office the Va-genius pulls out a diagram to help show him what she normally would do to please a lady. The audience sees clearly that this is a picture of the inner female reproductive system, but we no longer see the picture or where they are pointing when they start talking.

Let me reiterate. This picture is all vag, cervix, uterus and fallopian tubes. There are no outer female genitals at all, and the straight on, floating-baby-making-parts style of the pic does not let on that the clitoris or labia even exist. Anyway, Va-genius begins to instruct using the picture, but Schmidt takes over, telling her all the things he likes to do. He goes on a passionate rant that involves all kinds of outrageously vague euphemisms, like "tying a ribbon because it's birthday time." There is no way to know what the hell he means, but what we do know is that the Va-genius is getting all hot and bothered. Pulling herself together, she confirms his belief that he too is a Va-genius, and that he should do just fine pleasing a woman. In the end, he and his boss decide that the problem is that they just aren't clicking because they're not in love.

So....what, my friends, does this insinuate about what is needed for a woman to orgasm? This episode's message, in my opinion, is a much clearer message than we usually get from media about female orgasm. Every indication is that manipulating the vagina is what gets a lady there. There was no mention, not even a slight insinuation, that the clitoris exists. It was all vagina, all the time. Now, granted, a lot of people use the word vagina, incorrectly I might add, when they mean vulva. So, I might have given New Girl a very slight benefit of the doubt, but I can't because when the "Va-geniuses" are discussing how to "get a woman there," they where showing how to do that on a picture of the inner reproductive orgasms only. They could have left the picture as vague as the euphemisms they were using, but they didn't. They specifically linked female orgasm to the vagina. The clit had nothing to do with it according to this show.

It doesn't matter to me whether any of this was done for laughs or because of something like decency laws. No matter the reason behind it, it is misleading, incorrect, and ultimately shitty for our cultural understanding of the female orgasm (although it's also a completely status quo way of speaking about it). There was a clear insinuation that women orgasm through vaginal stimulation (although it is quite murky what is stimulating the vagina in those wierd euphemisms - hand? toy? penis?...who knows). There was no mention of the clitoris at all, and since the overwhelming culture sense is (incorrectly) that vaginal stimulation causes orgasm, this episode did nothing but heavily reinforce that misinformtion.

I'm giving this episode a 0 vulva rating. I'm particularly saddened because the Schmidt character lends itself so well to being the douchy dude who unexpectedly schools everyone on his actually quite progressive understanding of the clitoris and the female orgasm. Instead, he is nothing but status quo cultural ignorance, deceptively disguised as sexual genius. It's maddening really.

Maybe Our Orgasm Experiences Are More Alike Than We'd Think, Ladies

Share

Tweet

Hello, as I said before I feel like I should be highlighting blog posts and articles out there that are adding positively to the effort for orgasm equality. So, today I'd like to point all of you to a blog post by the fantastic blogger of at In Bed With Married Women. 

She wrote a blog, strangely titled Title This Post Contest, about her frustration of being a woman who needs clitoral stimulation to orgasm in a world where it seems so many other women just come at the drop of a hat. Now, full disclosure, she mentions one of my posts in her blog, but I promise, that's not why I'm singling her post out. Frankly, I thought her post was brave, and it really made me feel hopeful.

I think we ladies need to talk more bravely and openly about our real, physical experiences and about how we feel about our own experience versus what we expected our experiences to be. We need to be honest about how frustrated we sometimes get, and how confused we sometimes are, and  how much we compare our orgasm lives (or lack there of) to what we believe other women's to be. I think if we all start letting our guard down more and speaking honestly to each other, then we just might see that we all have more similar experiences than we ever thought. We might see that these things we feel frustrated about and bad about, are less personal problems and more larger cultural problems. Anyway, thank you Jill from In Bed With Married Women for creating a courageous awesome post.

Here's the beginning of her post, which I like, but I suggest you read the whole post, especially since she did something awesome like offer a vibrator prize to the reader who best named that post - as long as that reader was one who also needed the ol' clit stim.

So I was going through your responses to the questions about clit-vag distance and its relation/non-relation to your propensity to come via straight-on intercourse alone (Woo! Sexy talk. Is it hot in here?) and now I am just...depressed. Or possibly pissed off. At the very least, I am most certainly miffed.

Why? Because of those among you who can have an orgasm--like no problem--with no other kind of hand stimulation, mouth assistance, divine intervention--nothing. Practically all the time.
For example, in response to "Do you come easily, sometimes or never via intercourse alone?"

Anonymous commented:
"rather easily and usually multiple times"

And Naomi bragged answered:
"always come easily, no fingers or appliances needed (or even wanted, too distracting from the main event)"

For me, coming from just fucking alone has happened--maybe--five times. In my life. And that's rounding up.
It's biological tyranny, I say.
For men and the rare lucky chick who just needs a little in-and-out to come "rather easily and usually multiple times," let me explain. I think porn and romance novels and the in-and-out chicks have skewed what we think is a "normal" sexual response. Despite what we see and read all the damn time, the majority of women need some sort of extra stimulation to have an orgasm. The vast majority of women. That's just how it is.

Several men and women, who I consider to be generally enlightened, have mentioned variations of "it just takes the right man"--which is, I think, only true to a certain extent. Yes, some men are much better lovers. Yes, some men's parts are more compatible with your own. And yes, some men will get you so hot you could practically come from their gaze. All of these are good and can help.

However, in most women, the clit is where things are happening. But in a cruel twist of nature, Today's Generally Accepted Fuck Moves are happening in the vagina, which is annoyingly close to the clit, but...not...quite...there. Men, picture if your main sensory pleasure center was, say, on your perineum but you were expected to get to your bliss via regular old boning. You could get close. Your balls might rub against there occasionally, or you might figure out some crazy-ass position that sort of almost did the trick. But it wouldn't the kind of direct you-are-there-stimulation you'd need.

Ladies Like To Watch Men Doin' It, Or At Least I Do

Share

Tweet

Hey ya'll, I just got inspired (thanks DaveJ) to say that I think gay porn is pretty hot, and sometimes I prefer it over straight porn. Why? I will tell you why.

1. Lots of dudes with hot muscly bodies (unless it's some gross 80's gay porn with gross dudes)
2. Lots of lovely hard man junk
3. Complete lack of female faces covered in jizz
4. No fake boobs, in fact no boobs at all - cause honestly, they're kind of boring.

For real though, straight porn often has ugly dudes and women who...let's say...don't look like they are really having a good time. Gay porn is just dirty, hot sex without all the gross, boring, painful, and not in any way orgasmic things that happen to women in straight porn. Plus, it focuses on male bodies, which - surprise - is what I, as a straight woman, am into.

I know I'm not the only one. Holla if you're with me ladies!