Orgasm Interviews - intro to a new series
I'm happy to say that I'm finally getting to this new series I've been wanting to do here on SSL where a women answers questions about her orgasm, masturbation, and sexual experiences. I'm super excited about this because I think women sharing their orgasm experience with fo-realness is powerful as fuck.
At the same time, I think women speaking about their orgasm experiences before they have grounded understanding of orgasm or before they have learned how to have an honest relationship with their sexual bodies, can be misleading at best to the women they speak to and damaging at worst. To be frank and blunt about what I mean here, let me say it this way;
I strongly suspect there are lots of women that lie about their orgasms - about how they happen, when they have them and if they have them. I don't think it's a mean or intentional thing. I don't even think I'd really call it lying most of the time because I don't think it's a conscious lie. It's more about not understanding what an orgasm physiologically is before speaking about it with an undeserved authority. I just think we women are so mislead and confused about our bodies, about the physiology of orgasm, and about how we should obtain, express, and speak about our orgasm that we often twist our understanding of our own experiences to fit into how we
think things should be, and then we speak about them from that twisted, non-scientifically based view and other people take it to heart.
I say that all to let you know that I will be hand-picking all the women I ask to take this survey. I am choosing women I believe have a grounded understanding of orgasm and have exhibited what I believe is an honest relationship with their sexual bodies. So, these are women I have already had the chance to speak to about their orgasms. This series, clearly, is no scientific-based investigation, but I still would like to make it clear to all of you that this is the bias with which I am coming at this.
What I ultimately hope is that these women's stories and insights bring comfort or insight to the other women reading this.
ANNA
The first brave lady I have chosen for this is Anna. I met her online because she wrote me with some worry and criticism about a post I had written. Her insight, openness, and thoughts intrigued me, and we began a really lovely discussion. She graciously accepted the offer to do this, and put a lot of time and effort into being as honest as possible. In an email asking me what format to send it to me in, she said,
"I've been spending a lot of time on your survey, trying to be as honest and thorough as possible. It brought back memories and helped me put into words some vague thoughts I have had.
Maybe I was too thorough: I wrote more than ten pages. I couldn't separate orgasms from sex in general. I kept adding context. The answers didn't seem to make sense otherwise."
This will be the first of 3 post from her survey. She did, much to my happiness, write a lot - more than 1 post's worth. Please read her interview in detail. Anna is an extraordinary woman, I think, and although her orgasmic life might have taken a slightly different route from many of you, there is soooo much to relate to and a lot to learn from. I asked a few follow-up questions that I will include as well. The ability to ask follow-up questions I think is an important perk to this kind of direct questioning.
Anna's Summary
Read the whole thing in detail - because that's where the real beauty is, but here's a quick orgasm-based summary that I will be doing for each women I interview. It's merely a quick and dirty orgasm history that highlights some things I see as particularly unique or interesting or relate-able in the interviewees story. Hopefully I'll eventually have tons of these, and this summary can be used as a simple reference.
Anna is woman that has had a relationship with her orgasm through masturbation since young childhood. She, I think, is somewhat unique in that she immediately brought that relationship into her sexual partnerships through her own finger manipulation to her clitoral glans - in both healthy sexual encounters and even in a sexual relationship that often lacked consent.
Like many of us, she had times where she thought she was unique in her need for clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and she had partners that humored her need for it or found it odd, but it seems to me Anna has always held a level of sexual confidence that helped her along her sexual journey - always growing, healing, adjusting, and finding pleasure.
Oral sex and grinding herself against a body are not great ways for her to induce orgasm, and her partner's fingers on her clit do work sometimes, but it's not as reliable. Only in the last few years has she discovered vibrators, but she very much enjoys them now. Intercourse alone has never caused orgasm for her, but she has often come during intercourse with the addition of her own finger stimulation to her clit.
She also has discovered in the past few years that her partner adding very, very strong pressure to her 'g-spot' (lower, towards-the-belly area of the vagina where the urethra and 'female-prostate' can be pressed on through the vaginal wall) while she fingers her clit has given her orgasms a different dimension that she very much enjoys. This may possibly cause some ejaculation from her urethra - although it's hard to know exactly what's going on down there while she's orgasming and is only going from what her partners say they've witnessed.
Anna - I love you for putting yourself out there in this way. I appreciate you more than you know. These answers are Anna's word for word. If anyone out there has questions for Anna - feel free to comment or write me at trisha att ancmovies dott com, and I will get them to her.
Enjoy section 1 on masturbation.
1. Masturbation
1a. How/when did you first begin to masturbate?
I honestly don't know. I have a memory of sitting in the living room sofa, watching children's TV and playing with my "front butt"*, but that definitely wasn't the first time. I think I was panting and moaning. My dad got annoyed and said "Don't do that here!", which I interpreted as "Only do that when no one sees or hears you." I was 3 or 4 years old, and from then on I was very quiet and discreet.
Like many autists I have a hard time falling asleep. Even as a small child I would lie awake for ages. It was extremely boring and masturbation helped pass the time.
(*We actually used that description. There was no non-medical or non-sexualized word when I grew up. In 2000, when I was 30 and expecting my first child, there was a big feminist discussion in mainstream media about how damaging this was. Some new, made-up words were suggested and one of them caught on. Now little Swedish cis boys have a "snopp" and little Swedish cis girls have a "snippa".)
1b. How often do you orgasm during masturbation?
I'm not sure I understand the question - as many times as I feel like? Usually one, sometimes two, occasionally more (up to 6, I think). Until I feel done? It has happened that I wanted more but my clit was too desensitized, but that's really rare - less than once every couple of years.
Or do you mean if I orgasm when I masturbate? In that case, practically every time. Sometimes it takes a bit longer, but only very rarely does the orgasm not come. Less than once a year.
1c. Describe in detail how you physically stimulate yourself to orgasm (if you do it in more than one way please describe each). How is your body positioned? Your legs and hips? Where do you stimulate and what types of movements do you use?
This has varied over time. For most of my life I would lie on my back, legs pressed together, as straight and tense as possible, and rub my clitoris in a circular movement with my right index finger. Sometimes I would turn over and do the same thing. In my teens I discovered that it changed the sensation if I put two fingers in my vagina and pressed firmly and rhythmically (in what I now know is the supposed g-spot area) at the same time as I rubbed my clit, so sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I would start with my legs relaxed, but I always finished with maximum tension in my whole body.
My outer labia are quite large and I need direct stimulation, so just grinding on something feels nice but it's not enough to get me off.
I have also tried using a shower head a couple of times. It felt amazing, but I always felt so guilty afterwards, wasting all that water :D
Three years ago I bought my first sex toy. What a game changer! It took a bit of trial and error, with some expensive mistakes, but now I have a small set of toys that I love. My absolute favorite is a powerful rechargeable lipstick vibrator (a Wevibe Tango 2). I now lie on my back with my knees apart and the soles of my feet together. I spread my outer labia with my left index and middle fingers and hold the vibrator in my right hand, the flat bit at the top near my clitoris. I just touch and pull back, touch and pull back, with the touching part getting longer and firmer until I climax.
Every once in a while I put a glass toy in my vagina and/or use a glass butt plug, but only when I'm making it more of an event, so to speak. (It's like food: most meals I make are nice, but when the mood strikes, it's fun to make an effort and cook something more elaborate.)
1d. Tell us about your orgasms during masturbation. How would you describe the physical sensations of right before, during, and after orgasm? If you notice variety in your orgasms during different masturbation sessions, how would you describe that variety?
It varies A LOT, both in sensation and intensity. The basic pattern is always that the tension builds in my pelvic muscles but also in my whole body. It can be fun to try and force myself to relax, but it never works :). Then there is sort of a plateau, then it builds just a little bit more and it's like the tension cascades through my whole body. My vagina contracts rhythmically, my legs twitch, my stomach muscles seize so my upper body lifts from the bed. Sometimes this passes quickly, sometimes it goes on for a long time. Occasionally I have to stop stimulating my clit because the pleasure is so intense it overwhelms me, but usually I keep stimulating until all the pleasure and tension has ebbed away and then a few more seconds. Sometimes, if I want more, I just continue and start the process over.
Sometimes the build-up takes longer, sometimes it's plateau time almost immediately. Sometimes the plateau is so long I almost think the orgasm is not going to happen, but then it does. Sometimes there is hardly any plateau at all. Sometimes I have to really concentrate and "push", sometimes I can mentally relax and let it just happen. Sometimes I think I'm strolling predictably along the plateau when SURPRISE!! Orgasm attack!!!!
The contractions can be really, really strong, or soft and gentle, or in-between. There can be many, fast or just a few. Qualitatively, the pleasure can be anywhere from sharp and demanding to sweet and soft. The intensity of the pleasure also varies. I know this sounds strange. How can something be intensely soft? Or sharp, but not in an intense way? It has to do with how much of my awareness the orgasm takes - how much else is going on in my mind at the same time. Sometimes I feel a bit removed from the experience. I can't explain it any better.
Usually strong contractions give strong pleasure, but it has happened that strong contractions come with less than average pleasure, or that mild contractions give intense pleasure. There is some correlation, but it's not straight forward.
It has happened a handful of times in my life that the orgasm is nearly finished and I'm starting to relax, but then it just starts again, as hard or even harder than before. It's like two distinct climaxes with no build-up between.
Occasionally I go through all the phases and get the contractions, but no pleasure. This is so annoying! My body is done, even though I'm definitely not satisfied. There is nothing I can do. Fortunately this is rare - maybe once or twice per year.
1e. Do you use erotica, pornography, or do you fantasize during (please describe the type if you feel comfortable)?
All of the above, but most of the time I use only my imagination.
This is a sensitive topic for me, and I think for most women. Sweden is ranked as one of the most gender equal countries in the world, but that doesn't really mean very much when most of the world is so very sexist. I grew up in the seventies. I was told that women are as good and valuable as men, but all around me I could see for myself that women were seen as lesser. The adults talked about equality, but I could see that the boys got preferential treatment everywhere, even in pre-school. It was gaslighting on a societal level.
The overt message around me was that sex is beautiful and healthy, and both men and women should enjoy it. Between the lines I could read that sex was dirty, dangerous and shameful for women. It was both pleasurable and necessary for men, so women had to grin and bear it, even though the best we could hope for was a man who was gentle and considerate. I truly believed all this. Even as a pre-teen my fantasies had vague elements of humiliation and coercion.
I was 17 when I met my second boyfriend. This was long before the internet. He was into things I had never even heard of, but not so much into consent. Women are conditioned to disregard our discomfort, and autistic women even more so. "Trimming your finger nails can't possibly be painful so stop crying and hold still" is not so different from "anal is perfectly normal so stop crying and hold still" - they both mean "your experience not valid and you have no right to refuse". He refused to let me break up with him. It took a couple of years before I even realized that what he did was rape, which unlike manicures is illegal. Eventually I went to the police. Surprise! 15 months in prison and a restraining order. I haven't heard from him since I left the court room. (this was an extremely abridged retelling)
The irony is that I could probably have enjoyed some of what he wanted if he had given me time to get used to the concepts, and if I had felt safe with him (and if we had known how to do it safely - remember, no internet). I don't know. I have never had the opportunity to try. My fantasies nearly always involve some kind of domination but no violence. There's often anal sex, but unlike my real life experience there is lube! It's never painful, only involuntary. The coercion means I'm not responsible for wanting these awful, humiliating things, and so I am free to enjoy them. Being powerless is really hot in my imagination (where I hold all the power).
I used to feel a lot of shame and guilt about my fantasies. What kind of hypocrite feminist was I, anyway? Did they mean that my ex didn't really rape me? I had orgasms even with him. Was he was right when he said that meant I was actually consenting even when I begged him to stop? Only in the last few years have I come to understand that the fantasies are part of how I process my life experiences and reconcile being a heterosexual woman in a deeply sexist world.
I like to read erotica, but it's hard to find books without damaging tropes. One of my favorite erotica authors is Jenny Trout. She was hilariously eviscerating "Fifty Shades of Grey" in her blog but eventually got so disgusted she decided to write her own novel about a young woman falling in love with a dominant billionaire. I'll just say the similarities end there.
I don't use porn much (most of it is just too depressing), but when I do I look for amateur couples who seem like they are both enjoying themselves. Any hint of non-consent kills it. I once saw a clip with a middle aged couple. She was on her back, blindfolded, gagged and tied up in a contorted pose. The man spanked her and then had rough anal sex with her. It looked just awful, except they both seemed really enthusiastic. As soon as she showed any sign of lessened enthusiasm he altered his angle, applied more lube, etc until she seemed enthusiastic again. Then she made a tiny hand gesture, and without breaking his stride he put a vibrator on the appropriate area until she was shaking and writhing with orgasm. The man didn't orgasm, but he looked so happy. It was hot, dirty and sweet all at the same time.
*****Part 2 is HERE. Part 3 is HERE!!!*****
