Become Cliterate With Dr. Laurie Mintz! - An Orgasm Equality Hero

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A post about Dr. Laurie Mintz has been on my list for a few months now - ever since I saw her on Twitter. She has a new book out called Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How To Get It. Obviously, I'm gonna like this book. First, it actually says the words 'orgasm equality,' which is like my #1 favorite thing to say besides lady-gasm and lady-bation. Second, it talks about being Cliterate which clearly means this book is rightly focusing on the clit in relation to female orgasm, and it also gives an homage to artist Sophia Wallace's badass 2012 Cliteracy project, which we all know I also have mad respect for. I haven't actually read Dr. Mintz's book yet, but I've ordered it, and I will. I will also write about it when I'm done, but judging from her blog, I will be in love.

In fact, from blog content and book name alone, Dr. Laurie Mintz is getting directly added into an oh-so-coveted space in the Orgasm Equality Heroes List. She's doing the good work people..the good work.

So, just to give you a taste of the good work she is doing let me mention a few things.

Her latest blog post at the time I was writing this article was so damn on point. It said pretty much all the things I yearn to hear in an article about lady-gasms. That just plain doesn't happen very often. In even the most progressive articles I read, the details about how fundamental the clit is to female orgasm are too often wishy-washy and easily yield to the scientifically unfounded but culturally omnipresent idea that women can orgasm through inner vaginal stimulation as well as numerous other ways (like, 'the clit is sooo important, but any way a woman orgasms is super valid too!'..I mean whatever you do and like is valid, of course, but sex educators should be real about the fact that there has never been physical evidence in all of scientific literature of a physical orgasm achieved through stimulation inside the vagina), or there isn't usually a clear bold statement about how totally fucked up it is that female bodies are able to orgasm, but that they simply don't very often in partnered situations (particularly with male bodies).

Dr. Laurie Mintz's post does not do that. What it does is say the things we as a culture should be screaming at the top of our lungs.

• Females orgasm strikingly less than men in partnered sex situations (particularly cis hetero ones)
• Female bodies are absolutely able to orgasm as quickly, easily, and reliably as men during masturbation (which means when they have appropriate stimulation to do so)
• When males have intercourse, the stimulation is similar to how they masturbate, for females intercourse stimulation is not similar to how they masturbate, and clearly is a big reason for less female orgasms in so many sexual situations
• The best advice for how a female can orgasm with a partner is for them to get, during that experience, the same type of stimulation they get when they are masturbating on their own.

I mean those are the basics. If you just roll those around in your head for a minute and then really consider how the world describes, teaches, depicts, and experiences sex with females...it's just a little insane how much disconnect there is. It's a bit sad actually, but I believe that every time a person speaks/writes these things out loud (and honestly it doesn't happen that much), it makes someone or hopefully a lot of people have to face a reality that we as a culture are really blind to, and it makes a dent. Her blog and presumably her book are making a dent.

Later she wrote a post as a letter to young women about what maybe they might learn from the Aziz Ansari thing, and again, I was really excited and happy to see that she connected the general state of the sexual landscape for females with the more specific and complicated issues brought up by 'grey area' coercive sex....'cause I agree, at the heart of all this is that as a culture, we don't physically understand female orgasm and frankly don't care much about it. She, oh so rightly says,

The bottom line is that both these grey-zone coercive situations and completely consensual sexual encounters during which you don’t orgasm are both related to the same root cultural problem. The problem is a culture that prioritizes and privileges male pleasure and an erect penis as the center of sex and disregards female pleasure and the clitoris as secondary or irrelevant.

So, BRAVO to you Dr. Mintz! Keep fighting that good fight, and let's get some Orgasm Equality Revolution up in this bitch!

Ellen Scott's Badass Article on the Oral Sex Gap

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Ellen mothafuckin Scott over at MetroUK, people. This is what I'm talking about. This is a lady using her forum to speak the damn truth.

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: When women speak honestly to each other about our sex lives and especially our orgasms, it is a revolutionary thing. It reveals the BS truths of sexual inequality that we women too often sluff off as personal inadequacies.

The system's broken - and been broken for ages- but we woman tend to blame that brokenness on ourselves rather than the system where the blame should be. We believe our individual bodies are defective when we can't reach orgasm easily enough during sex because we don't truly understand, as a culture, that the most common, accepted way of having hetero sexual interaction is shitty for lady-gasm and great for dude-gasms. We don't truly understand that clitoral stimulation for sure causes orgasm, but that in all of scientific literature no instance of an orgasm caused by stimulation of something in the vagina has been physically recorded. We ladies, despite what the world would have us believe, don't seem to orgasm from our vaginas, but that fact doesn't make it into our bedrooms somehow.

And that brings me back to Ellen Scott. She wrote an article called "The Oral Sex Gender Gap is Real and It's Not Okay." Women as a whole give more than they get, and on the most part, it's not questioned in any real serious way - within our culture or within our individual sex lives. It's just how things are for whatever reason we decide to give to it if we even decide to think about it at all. Ellen, however, is calling bullshit here, and she's so on point. Ellen says, for one, fuck your excuses dude.

Oh, it hurts your neck? I take too long? Fuck you and you're whining.

"Giving someone else sexual pleasure shouldn’t be unpleasant or painful, but it does require a bit of effort, and it’s not easy. As sexual philosopher Samantha Jones once declared: ‘They don’t call it a job for nothing’. Women are willing to accept a little discomfort to put their partner’s pleasure before their own. Men expect women to do that." 

Right? I mean, here's the deal. Blow jobs ain't easy, but we figure it out. We find ergonomically friendly positions. We move when we need to move. We work on technique. It's not that hard, and men can figure it out. Plenty of men do. It's very possible.

But it's not just that, is it? Like so much in life and bias, it's the subtleties that really get ya.

"Usually the oral sex mismatch isn’t so obvious or openly discussed. It’s the fact that a guy won’t initiate oral without prompting, but will happily signal towards their dick, expecting oral action as a necessary precursor to penetrative stuff. It’s their lack of enthusiasm. Their general attitude of ‘do I have to?"

Ellen uses her own personal sexual history, informal friend survey and an actual peer reviewed survey to back the reality of this oral sex gap up, but let's be honest, most of us ladies don't need all that evidence. We can feel the inequality in our bones. We feel the lack of offer, and we feel the lack of enthusiasm loud and clear. We're already in a world that depicts women fellatio-ing way more often than men cunnilingus-ing. We already feel worried that our junk is much grosser than dude junk. We're already certain that a girl who isn't perfectly happy - nay jubilantly orgasmic- with a good ol', classic boning, a girl who 'needs more' during sex is lame. The lack of enthusiasm is just icing on an already quite depressing and unsexy cake.

And the worst part isn't even the simple fact that more dicks get stimulated with mouths to orgasm than vulvas do. The worst part is that penile-vaginal intercourse, which happens way more than either types of oral is shit for lady-gasms (which, jesus fucking christ, why do we still see vag-ramming as a mutually orgasmic experience). So, dudes not only get the vast majority of orgasms that happen during the most accepted of sex acts, but when couples do decide to switch it up a bit, men still win. Women literally need something else besides straight up intercourse in order to orgasm, but when we do something else, we still focus on the guy's dicks. Who cares bout a clit, women's orgasms, or you know - women, amiright?

Anyway, nothing is going to change unless we women start to have our eyes opened to the fact that other women have similar experiences in their hetero sexual interactions. Ellen Scott had the guts to write this thoughtful piece, and I guarantee you a bunch of women read it and reassessed their sex lives - even if it's just a tiny reassessment. A bunch of women just realized that it wasn't just a personal problem. A bunch of women found a little solidarity on an uncouth, adult, often embarrassing subject that they may never before have heard another woman discuss so frankly. That, is revolutionary as fuck, my friends.

Go read the article in its entirety, and Ellen Scott, I so deem you a member of the Orgasm Equality Heroes. I have added you to this most prestigious of lists. Go on with your bad self.

Twitter Lady-gasm Truths: Rachel Bloom Is An Orgasm Equality Hero

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Rachel Bloom Schools Twitter on Lady-gasms
I just started watching Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I'm on episode 3, and I already have an SSL Review to do for it (which will be positive). However, before I started watching this show, I caught some buzz about the creator/star's epic rant earlier this year on Twitter about basically all the shit this here movie and blog are about. So, what I want to say about that is fuck yeah, Rachel Bloom!

So, she basically saw a CNN article about the the Orgasm Gap (i.e. women are orgasming much less than men during sex), and she was pissed that it didn't even mention the clit until halfway down. For real, the article was all like,

'geez-oh-pete guys! What could possibly be causing women to orgasm less than men???? Could it be evolution making women have variable abilities to achieve orgasm?? Could it be women are so darn nervous about their bodies?? Could it be stigma against women initiating sex?? Could it be our clits are too far from their vaginal openings?? Golly gee - why oh why can't women just come from getting fucked up the vag hole like we want them to?? I guess there's no possible answer.' 

She, rightly, pointed out that this article, like most on the topic, was deeply focused on women's ability to orgasm during intercourse...because that's apparently the only way of lady-gasming anyone cares about. She also rightly pointed out THE CLIT. Seriously, women need their clit stimulated to orgasm, so if we live in a world obsessed with penises-in-vaginas and rarely depict, discuss or engage the clit in sexual situation, could it possibly be that - oh, I don't know - the main reason women aren't orgasming more during sex is because WOMEN'S CLITS DON'T GET STIMULATED MUCH DURING SEX. Just a little ol' thought. I mean, men need their penises stimulated for orgasm as much as women need their clits stimulated, and wouldn't you know it, their penises are pretty much the focus of any sexual activity they are a part of. and guess what?!? Men don't seem to have a group orgasm problem.

Why I Do So Love Her Rant
1 I love this because she says as boldly and clearly as anyone I've seen speak on this (and this includes most progressive sexperts and sex educators) that women would be orgasming more if we all just collectively realized that women orgasm from clitoral stimulation and penetration (because for real - no scientific research has ever shown that women orgasm from stimulation inside the vagina).

2 Can I just say again how much I love Bloom's rant. I love how specific and bold she is about the need for clitoral stimulation, because even well meaning, sex-positive, feminist stuff often demurs and really just kinda reminds that the clit is also important...as opposed to outright saying the the clit is THE important part and without understanding THE sole importance of the clit to female orgasm, orgasms ain't gonna happen. It reminds me of an article by Annamarie Jagose (I discuss it HERE) that really digs in on this issue, warning us that we'll be in a never ending cycle of worrying about the orgasm gap but never really fixing it unless we fully accept that intercourse on its own is not, has never been, and never will be as orgasmic for women as it is for men because it doesn't necessarily include external clitoral stimulation in the same way it necessarily provides clear penile stimulation. That is correct, Ms. Jagose, and although it is truly rare to hear people speak the truth on this, it really gives me hope to see these rare, but I venture to say increasing, bold statements from people like Ms. Rachel Bloom.

3 I particularly love that Rachel Bloom is really open and honest about this in her life personally. She admits that even being a feminist, progressive, and sexually aware women was not enough in this culture to give her the correct information about her body and her orgasms. She felt bad for many years that she had to have clitoral stimulation to come. She struggled with the cultural expectations of her orgasmic capabilities versus the reality of her experience. Her saying that is so important because it:

• informs us that coming from clitoral stimulation alone is actually not wierd. It's as normal as a man who can orgasm only from penile stimulation (sadly though, that piece of knowledge is not something we learn...ever)
• lets other women know that we all struggle with this bullshit that we really shouldn't have to struggle with, and
• points out that this problem is larger than just sexually progressive vs. non progressives because the cultural misinformation goes way deeper than that, and none of us are immune - even if you were raised by hippies and got a degree in sexology - these truths of the clit are still buried.

I also love that she is addressing this AND she actually has some power over depictions of sex that she intends to use for good. In this Mic article by Anna Swartz that has a follow-up interview with Bloom about the tweets. Bloom says...

"We need to educate women about how every woman's body is different," she said. "In movies, when you see a couple having a love scene ... you never see the woman reaching down and stimulating her clitoris, or a man reaching down." 

Yes, you lovely women, YEEEEES! She is so correct, and I know that for sure because I specifically critique that exact thing in tons of movies and TV for SSL Reviews. The article goes on:

The second season of Bloom's show, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, recently ended, and it's been renewed for a third. The show airs on the CW, which means that, as Bloom said, she's limited in how much she can show in sex scenes. But she and the other writers try "as much as possible to show what sex is really like ... people coming up from going down on Rebecca, we've shown Rebecca coming up from going down on other guys," Bloom said. "We try the best we can to capture what we know to be true."

Bless you, Rachel Bloom. That gives me so much hope and joy. It's the small things that will change this culture. It will take time, but I feel like I'm seeing things happening. It's a writer for Cosmo Sex Position Lists opting for inclusion of clitoral stimulation instead of incorrect references to how 'hitting the G-spot' will make a position orgasmic. It's Bridget Everett singing a hilarious song in her comedy act pointing out that ladies don't need the dick, They need mouth stimulation on their clit. And by golly, it's Rachel Bloom and the other writers trying their darndest on an extremely accessible over-the air network TV show that sexual activity, including intercourse, can and should include external clitoral stimulation (seriously, this never happens, so if I see it in Crazy Ex Girlfriend, I will flip my lid).

Go get 'em Ms. Bloom. You have officially made it onto my Orgasm Equality Heroes list. Good on ya, my lady.

Giving Up Blowjobs For The Good Of Womankind

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Writer Alison Stevenson is a bad bitch who should walk around with her hands pumping victoriously in the air most of the time. She did some truth-telling in a July 2016 article about how little she (and many women) orgasm during sexual encounters - particularly compared to men, and she said no more, my friends. No. More.

"If men expect to get an orgasm out of a hookup—without having to give anything in return—then I would adopt that approach, too."

Suck It, BJ's!
In an absolutely fabulous article from March 2015, she announced that she had stopped giving blowjobs, and in this new and equally fabulous 2016 article, she gives us a follow-up about why she's still not sucking dick. She, very rightly, decided that she had given too many goddamn blowjobs to boys that did not return the favor, and she's over it. She also rightly pointed out how the wrong-but-all-too-common assumption that women should just orgasm when a penis moves inside their vaginas (vaginae for you scholarly types) is the root of this problem. The reality is most women don't orgasm that way. The majority of women straight up do not orgasm from vaginal penetration (and I would argue it's even less than we are currently willing to admit).

"Penetration is great, but no matter how long, curved, or fat your dick is, it's not going to happen for me. That's true for plenty of other women, too—it's clit or bust. In other words, if a guy and I have sex, but I don't suck his dick, he can still come. If we have sex and he doesn't eat me out, I can't."

Tell Me Again How Orgasmic Sex Is...
I respect the hell out of what this women has done (and Tracey Moore at Jezebel does too) because the truth is women are set up to fail in sexual encounters in a way that men are not. None of us, boys or girls, were taught that the clit must be stimulated to orgasm. To drive that home, we were also taught that the most important and supposedly awesome part of a sexual encounter is intercourse - something which naturally involves the vagina and penis but not the clit. Fully involving the clit to the point of orgasm during a 'basic sex act' is not the norm. To involve the clit usually means that there are 'extras' given; extra effort, extra communication, extra sexual acts, extra willingness to do things a little differently. So the male orgasm is par for the course. The female orgasm is extra. It's some bullshit. Whether people realize it or not, the status quo sex act is male-gasm friendly but not female-gasm friendly.

Now, as Ms. Stevenson says in her original 2015 article, her lack of cunnilingus (and thus orgasm) in the past is part her fault too because she didn't used to ask,

"Look, I know that my years of being denied oral sex is my fault too. I was a different person then. I never asked for what I wanted, because I worried it would make me seem less attractive. It's something a lot of women feel, that it's more important to fulfill a man's desires over our own. You know, in order to "keep him." Even the most headstrong, self-reliant, progressive women fall victim to this line of thinking. I have finally been able to fully shed myself of my meekness when it comes to sex and I know now that I can not only demand what I want but also deny what I don't want: blowjobs."

I love that she takes some responsibility in this. She's clearly a sensible, thoughtful person, and I think it's true that a woman must become more proactive about asking in order to get her orgasm.

Men Just Get Orgasms, Women Need To Ask...For Extra
That said, can I also say WTF? Yes, she never asked, but can we take a minute and wonder why she has to ask in the first place? Why women must put so much work into getting their orgasm when men simply do not? Why men don't just automatically work the clit like women just automatically work the penis? Why we as a society fully understand and accept that men need their penises stimulated to orgasm, but are so clueless about what makes a woman orgasm that the default thing to do in sex with a woman is ram stuff up her vagina (seriously, contrary to popular belief, getting a woman off is actually not that difficult but trying to do it by stimulating the vagina instead of the clit sure makes it seem difficult, doesn't it?).

The frustration that led Ms. Stevenson to her no BJ decision is much bigger than boys aren't trying hard enough. Yes, that might often be the case, but the truth is we're dumb about lady-gasms. We shouldn't be because they're actually not that complicated at all, but yet we are, and since we're dumb about them and they seem so wierd and mystical and fickle, the female orgasm just gets ignored.
So...

• Men and often women don't know how to make them happen
• The way sex is depicted and joked about and taught either doesn't include or misrepresents the physical needs for lady-gasm
• The normal ways we go about sex don't leave room for it 
• We don't prioritize them
• Women often don't feel we deserve them (I mean they're so hard to get and your partner has to put extras in to get you there!)

All that adds up to males orgasming and ladies having to 'ask'.

Rock The Hell On Alison Stevenson!
This woman looked at her sex life and made a decision to put priority on her own orgasm over her male partners'. It's such a revolutionary thing to do because it throws a wrench in the age old sexual status quo and makes a bold statement that flies in the face of people (and I really think this is most people) who don't want to acknowledge how skewed towards male pleasure our sexual culture is. What she did is not easy. It takes self knowledge and courage, and it's inspiring.

So, for all that I am adding Alison Stevenson to the Orgasm Equality Heroes List. Her article and her sentiments fit into something I see as an exciting movement where women are acknowledging that status quo, run of the mill, normal sex is actually pretty bad sex for the ladies. What I mean is that the normal flow of sex, the normal expectations of sex, and the normal skills used in sex are just A LOT better for the male orgasm than for the female. Let me say it another way. When it comes to men, sex is like pizza - even bad sex is kinda okay because they come. For women, though, most sex is unorgasmic, some of it is downright gross, rapey, mean, utterly boring, or painful, and then only really extraordinary sex is even good or orgasmic at all.

This is important because as a culture there is still this entrenched feeling that the simple act of intercourse is a mutually orgasmic experience for both the male and female. It is hard to convince people that we should be going about sex differently because what could be wrong with the way it is? So, we need women speaking out and telling us about their actual experiences. How we go about sex and the expectations we have about sex and orgasm could be so much better. We need to hear more and more women getting real about this and pointing out the unequal playing field.

Bravo, Alison Stevenson! Every time one woman speaks out it makes it that much easier for another, and if we get enough we might have a full-on Orgasm Equality Revolution on our hands!

(and you really should read both her BJ articles - 2015 and 2016. She's also quite funny. Check out her Tumblr)

Ellen's Blog Get's Deep About The Shit I Keep Saying

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One of the best reactions to my work I could imagine
Firstly, it is true that I google my name and 'science sex and the ladies' often. I gotta see what's out there, and I'm often very glad I did 'cause I get to find little gems like this post from Ellen at at Ellen's Blog. It's called Female orgasm - a start.

She wrote it back around the time that my post critiquing a BBC article on female orgasm came out. Her post was a fairly quick one and more of an initial reaction to my article, but it was also thoughtful, and introspective, and it made me incredibly excited and thankful to her when I read it. She said it made her angry and that she kept thinking about it when she was trying to sleep and so she got up and read it again.

You had me at 'read it again,' Ellen. I know the shit I'm saying is not something people want to hear - it's strangely uncomfortable. Obviously, I believe deeply that these things need to be said, but I'm not naive (at least not any more) about how other people react. I tend to get 1 of 3 reactions from people.

The 3 reactions I usually get
1. They immediately feel relieved and excited and grateful to hear in such a straightforward way that their bodies or their partner's bodies are not messed up.

2. They, of course, agree with me, but then say something that makes me think the main point (that vaginal stimulation has never been shown to cause orgasm) didn't quite sink in. They love any of the other sex positive stuff surrounding that main point - like stuff about better education and communication and more masturbation, but just sorta skip over the big nasty elephant in the room part. The best way to describe it is that they just heard the parts that they already believed anyway and chose to completely ignore the uncomfortable parts.

This group goes into 2 categories - one that are big advocates but just continue to surprise me by also, in the same breath, saying really status quo things about female orgasm that directly don't make sense with the points in my movie/blog/article. The other group (and this is probably the biggest group) immediately writes it all off as the same ol' same ol' information about lady-gasms. Basically this group just completely dismisses it without even acknowledging the controversial aspects.

3. They get a little pissed. They fully understand what I'm saying about the whole vaginal stimulation thing, and they don't like it. They tend to be the first and most vocal group in comment threads. Sometimes they can be downright shitty with the first comments. Sometimes they are, based on their personal experiences, just straight up perplexed about where I'm getting this shit, and sometimes they just think it couldn't be right. But honestly, I like these reactions most because there is someplace to go from there. There is a conversation to be had because they are willing to see my point and are willing to argue theirs. And honestly, even the ones that start off with a super shitty comment become pretty reasonable when I engage them. I think it's just internet culture and them being used to authors not caring to read comments that makes it nasty sometimes.  Anyway, this is actually my favorite group. Ellen is in this group, and she's one of the best of this group.

Why Ellen is awesome and deserves to be an Orgasm Equality Hero
What I like about Ellen is that she got what I was saying. She had an authentic reaction to it that she was willing to acknowledge, and then she went back to investigate it more and to reflect on it a little through writing. That is literally the very best I could ever hope for from this orgasm equality activism. The weird and problematic truth of this whole despite-everything-we've-ever-been-shown-and-taught-vaginas-don't-seem-to-cause-orgasms business is that it cuts deeper than you'd ever think. The opposite assumptions about P-in-V sex being mutually orgasmic is so deeply a part of our culture and our sexual being that it's hard to even see that it's something we assume, and even when we do realize that we assume it, it's just as hard to unravel all the pieces of us that are wrapped up in it.

 I mean, I've been looking at the world from this perspective in detailed ways for over 10 years now, and there are still many aspects of my personal sexual life that are affected by how deep those assumptions are in my bones...much less my partner's. So, honestly, I expect pushback. I want pushback. The stuff I'm saying isn't something people just easily take in and move on from. It just isn't and I know this because I'm in no way the first person to say it. People have been saying it in many ways for many years, and it just hasn't sunk into our culture yet. I want anything but for this stuff to be dismissed like it has historically been. Ellen does not dismiss this, and in fact she says something that is so insightful, I wanted to fist pump in the air.

This idea that this G-spot is very important, a vaginal orgasm is the ultimate orgasm for women. That idea was inside of me. Not clearly defined, not like i talk about it or anything, but yes, it was. And now i read this article in which it is very clearly stated that that is no proof, no scientific proof for a vaginal orgasm.

Hell yeah. Ellen is bad ass because she did something that not everyone is brave enough to do. She took a breath and considered something that she found uncomfortable and by doing that looked dead into the hard aspects of the Orgasm Equality Movement. She just put down her initial thoughts here - no conclusions or anything. I truly don't care how all her thoughts eventually fall in order after this (because all of us will work this out in our own bodies and our own sexual relationships differently), but that she considered it means everything. I am grateful to her, and I respect her honesty and openness.

That kind of personal bravery is not easy, and it's the kind of thing I like to call attention to by making her one of my Orgasm Equality Heroes! Thanks you Ellen, and I'd love to hear more from you! You can see her and the other Orgasm Equality Heroes HERE!

Colin Aulds, An Article, The Honest Liars, and Orgasm Equality!

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I'm writing this today because a guy named Colin Aulds, one of the Honest Liars, wrote a fab Orgasm Equality article in Weekly Gravy called, "How To Make Her Come...Before She Goes (Forever)," and I want to give him props for it, send you that way (Go check it out!!!!), give a little history, and tell you why I was so excited about it on an Orgasm Equality Movement level. I'm gonna be all long-winded about this though, so let me start.

First - Haven't heard of the Honest Liars? Haven't been to their site or listened to their podcast? That's your loss 'cause these dudes are getting into some issue that need digged into. They investigate radical honesty - being deeply honest with yourself so that you can engage in more healthy and honest relationships (They say all this better than me probably btw). They point out how hard that is to do because there are very few models for this kind of honesty out there in the world. We just don't grow up with it. They also make no bones about the fact that bringing that kind of honesty into your life can be painful and hard and could even break up relationships - but it is worth it.

I think they are way on point with that message, and I also think it has everything to do with Orgasm Equality. The culture surrounding female orgasm is so non-honest about the realities of the female body and the female experience that we men and women don't even know what honest looks like. It's just not modeled for us. So, getting to a more honest place when it comes to lady-gasms, with ourselves and in our sexual relationships, can be painful - but it's worth it.

So, my point is that their work and my work are meant to be good friends.

I met Colin when I (well let me first just admit that I regularly google my name and also 'science sex and the ladies'...like a lot. But in my defense, I would never find articles and stuff about SSL if I didn't. So, I googled 'science sex and the ladies' and saw the something called The Honest Liars Podcast had mentioned the movie. Obviously, I dropped all my actual work and listened immediately. I loved it. I loved it because these guys, Colin Aulds and Adam Talbot, were talking really thoughtfully and openly. They had read an Alternet article that came out about SSL. One of them (I think Adam) had then checked out my movie, and they also had invited a female friend to add her point of view.

Anyway, listening to them was awesome because I LOOOOVE hearing people talk about these ideas, but also because these dudes were really trying to grapple with some of the more controversial aspects. It was super refreshing to hear. Plus, I particularly liked that at times they mentioned the possible filmmaker of the movie that might be listening, and I actually was. That's just kinda funny to me.

So, I immediately wanted to contact them, and because I'm me and because they seemed truly open to discussion, in the email I corrected some of the things they had said about the science presented in the movie. I also gave my two cents about some statements Colin had made about feeling like (and I'm paraphrasing) that there shouldn't be any problems if a man and a woman just came together and communicated well. You know me. I have all kinds of things to say about there not being a level playing field, and that it's much more complicated than that, etc. etc.

To my great excitement, they emailed me back and were super receptive to discussing stuff. We ended up doing a Skype interview for their podcast on the 4th of July that became a 3 part series. Um, I REALLY liked doing that podcast. It was fun and they were really thoughtful and interesting and I think we had some top notch discussion. Podcasts are awesome because I feel like it's a way to get feedback and challenges on the spot so we can really talk out the minutia and subtlety in a way that is often too hard to do in writing.

Now we're back to Colin's article. Okay, so since then Colin has kept in contact with me from time to time, giving me a heads up when he sees something I might be interested in. Then in January, he wrote the article in question. I read it, and I was like, 'hell yeah!' It made me feel like Orgasm Equality had won over this man - and that made me feel really hopeful because this man, I think (and I hope I'm not stereotyping you too much, Colin), is a sorta alpha guy who was openly skeptical about a couple of my assertions going in. Now, when I say alpha - don't get me wrong. He's not some dumb meat head or anything. He's a smart, thoughtful, open guy. It's just he seems like he's also a guy's guy - he gets along with other dudes easily and probably spent a lot of his youth doing traditionally dude things with other dudes. He's the kind of person people always think this movie is not for, but to me - he's exactly the type of person it's for...a person who is skeptical, sure, but open and willing to ask hard questions in order to get the answers that make sense to them. And then when he is on board, that alpha part is a huge asset because he, with all that alpha-ness has the potential to influence lots of others.

Seriously, this podcast was fun as shit. It was like everything I ever hoped would happen while I'm talking with people about this. They asked me straight forward, skeptical questions about it. And we talked about it. I'm not in this for people to just smile and nod and then leave believing whatever it is they want to believe when they came in. The things I assert about lady-gasms and about the reality of sexual encounters between women and men are not, like, obvious.  So, honestly, if you don't question me or have some thought about it, I feel like something isn't right - like you don't care or you don't get the gravity of what we're saying, or you don't believe me and you want to just stop talking about it and move on. Maybe that's not true all the time, but it feels true. I want to get grilled. I want to get down to the nitty gritty. That's were the magic happens. That's where things start getting more clear - and that's what felt so cool about this podcast.

I'm super happy I met Colin and Adam. Honestly they had no reason to listen to me going in. The strongest assertions SSL makes fly in the face of pretty much everything society has been telling us about female sexuality since we popped outta the womb, and their experiences, like most dude's, probably tended to not jive with what I was saying anyway. But man, when I read what Colin had written in his article I felt like he had really gotten behind aspects of the Orgasm Equality argument that he had really questioned coming into our discussion - and that is crazy cool.

It means we can talk this stuff out, it means alpha dudes are our allies (He's already in the the Orgasm Equality Allies list as part of Honest Liars, but I added Colin and Adam's actual names into their entry), and it means there is a lot of hope for us ladies, our 'gasms, and our sexual encounters.

Big ups to you Colin, Adam and the Honest Liars!

Bridget Everett - Puttin' Dicks Away For Orgasm Equality

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At the end of Amy Schumer's last episode of Season 3, there was an absolutely spectacular celebration of female-centered sexuality by comedian Bridget Everett called, I believe, Put Your Dick Away. And, I'm going to go further and tell you that it's straight up revolutionary shit she's doing. I'm adding her directly into my Orgasm Equality Hero list - because she deserves it.

Bridget Everett

The beautiful part is that it was funny as shit too. Like I'm always saying, truly lady-based sexual humor is a largely untapped area of comedy. Although talking about sex is nothing new for the ladies, strangely, talking about hetero sex in a truly selfish yet horn-ified way and keeping it clit instead of vagina centric is still super shocking and edgy...In a way it's really that women talking about sex that truly uses men is still really wild and scary (and btw - comedy about making a man fuck an insatiable vagina until he's tired out doesn't count - that's like saying you're 'using' your friend by obsessively cleaning their house to fulfill your cleaning fetish until they're kinda bored of you being around their house).

Can I just say again that I LOVED this goddamn Put Your Dick Away song. It was so on-point, funny, and deeply true - as some of the best comedy is. I really find it exciting to see more and more comedians expressing in this way about sex and masturbation.  Amy Schumer's got the triple crown of 5 vulva ratings in podcasts, TV and Movies, so she is doing her part. The ladies of Saturday Night Live are tappin' in from time to time. Margret Cho did her part back in the day (although I think the world wasn't quite ready yet). Of course they're others too -add 'em in the comments if you got 'em.

So, here's my favorite set of lyrics. It brings a little revolutionary tear to my eye.

When I come home at the end of the day and my fingers are down to the bone. 
My back is achin' don't there be no mistaken, I'm gonna call my girl on the phone.
Then I'll pour a glass of wine. I'm gonna take my time. I'm gonna get my shit relaxed.
And when I say it's fucking time, you're gonna lick my valentine, and don't forget the crack. 
So put yoooooour diiiick, puuuuuut your diiiiick, put your dick away.

Indeed.

Anyway, I think humor is probably the best path to Orgasm Equality. For instance: Some dudes don't want to believe that you might GREATLY prefer for them to mouth-fuck your clit instead of gettin' that dick up in it, but if they hear it as a joke, it lubes the idea up just enough to slip it in the back door...just enough to wonder about if the next girl they hook up with even actually cares to see or touch his junk at all. The way I see it, if we ever want orgasm equality guys need go into a sexual encounter just as worried about the possibility that they'll be used for their mouth and sent on their way as women are about getting a terrible, orgasm-less bang. We are not to that point yet. I mean guys pretty much assume an orgasm in any  sexual situation, so we do have a long way to go yet. But one day, with everyone equally scared they could end up giving more than they get, maybe everyone will start putting in equal effort, and orgasmic joy will reign on earth - amiright?

But seriously, check this woman out. There's no official video of this song up on YouTube that I can find. So you're just going to have to watch her on Inside Amy Schumer S3 E10 (3 Buttholes) or watch her recent Stand-up (which I'm gonna do tonight). Do it.

Gemma Askham - Writing Orgasm Equality for Women's Magazines Like A Boss!!!!

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Women's magazine sex writers get a lot of jokes thrown their way - they bring to mind things like Cosmo sex positions that involve throwing doughnuts around an erect penis and then eating said doughnut.

It ain't no joke to me, though. Women's magazine sex writers are important, and what they write means something. Women are starved for sensible, accurate, realistic, non-frivolous information about our own orgasms. So, when a popular women's magazine publishes information about sex and female orgasm we ingest it even if it's bad. Their words impact women and our understanding of ourselves - they just do.

What that says to me is that when it comes to preaching orgasm equality, sex writers at women's magazines have incredible power to make change and sway the status quo, and what I really want to talk about is the cold hard fact that there really is some good, progressive-as-shit writing out there in this genre. And further, I would like to talk about how important good quality lady-gasm writing must have been to these writers for them to get that shit published. That kind of writing is not the norm, and so the very fact that it gets published means that they had to be a little pushy and a little brave, and their editors had to be a little brave too.

In fact, I have talked to a few of these women over the course of writing this blog, and I know that good writing on this subject isn't usually what the decision-makers are comfortable with. Every little tidbit of true progressiveness is hard fought, and I respect the hell out of these ladies for doing it. They are paving roads. You can meet some of them in my Orgasm Equality Hero's list, and today I'm going to introduce you to one more.

Gemma Askham is a freelance writer. She was a feature editor at British Glamour, and she's written for all kinds of magazines including Elle, Cosmopolitan, GQ, Glamour, Cleo, etc., etc. Anyway, my point here is that she writes for women's magazines, and she sometimes writes in them about sex...and she cares about doing it right. In fact, she is doing it right because she's pushing to be more realistic, more accurate, and more progressive. I think she's kick ass on the Orgasm Equality front, and I know of at least 2 articles she's written that will prove it.

Article 1
In Bedroom Equality, (a pdf of a differently titled print version HERE) a rather appropriate title if I might say so, she talks about the bullshit of so much sex ending when the man comes, about the abundance of crappy, unrealistic sex in porn, and about how too few women masturbate. Most importantly, though, she tells us that women need to start believing we deserve our share of orgasms.

My 2 favorite quotes in this article:

of orgasm..."But when a third more Australian men than women admit to masturbating, what are we telling the world about our right to having one."

"We fight to overturn Australia's 18.8 per cent gender pay gap, yet we're laying back and just letting our 26 per cent gender gap happen. In sex, women aren't only coming second; frequently we aren't coming at all. This isn't the equivalent of being paid less, it's the equivalent of no pay at all."

Hells. yeah. Let's get this fight a goin'!

Article 2
Beating the Orgasm Gap in Australia's Cleo Magazine (pdf HERE) is chock full of orgasm equality and good advice.  She speaks the truth about the clit and its rightful place as the organ of female sexual pleasure. Granted, I may have a few quotes in this one, so I might be biased, but I LOVE that she was so bold about really, specifically pointing out that vaginas do not orgasms make (as far as science has found so far). That's not at all common to see, and I can only imagine it's not super easy for editors to swallow. It's brave, and I am overjoyed she's done it.

However, that's not the only great stuff. There's some wicked insightful thoughts about what our culture has to do with this, what parts we play in it, and what we can do about this orgasm gap. You'll find quotes from the awesome Tumblr, How To Make Me Come (really - check it out if you haven't). Also from Dr. Lisa Wade, author of Gender: Ideas, Interactions, Institutions, Dr. Vivienne Cass author of The Elusive Orgasm, and Elizabeth Armstrong, author of this big ol' survey having to do with orgasm and relationships. ,

You'll also find some sensible and kinda cool starter masturbation activities from Carlyle Jansen, author of Sex Yourself: The Woman's Guide to Mastering Masturbation And Achieving Powerful Orgasms.

Now, that's the kind of sex writing we should be seeing in magazines aimed at us, ladies, amiright?

Gemma kickin' ass and takin' names
Gemma is pushing her medium forward. She speaks to large audiences, and her progressive writing is just the kind of thing that could really give Orgasm Equality a sizable nudge in the right direction. My hat is off to you, Ms. Askham. Welcome to my List of Orgasm Equality Heroes!

I believe there is more to come (ha - come) from Gemma Askham. Keep up to date with her HERE at her site.

Orgasm Inequality Ain't Due To Lady-parts Being Weird

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Someone posted a link to this article called 12 Reasons Why There's Orgasm Inequality (And No, It's Not That Women Are 'Harder To Please'), and I said Hallelujah, Sister Suzannah Weiss! Speak that truth, speak that damn truth! The female orgasm is not a mystery.

So, if you read my blog, you know that I believe deep, deep in my soul that there is a New Sexual Revolution on its way, and you know I think it has to be based in Orgasm Equality. You also know I've been collecting articles and people and things out there that seem to reflect the stirrings of this revolution. I call it the Orgasm Equality Allies List, and Suzannah Weiss and her on-point article were immediately added to that, because she laid it the hell down, and I love it.

Honestly, her message as a whole was simple. Women are orgasming less than men not because females are biologically less capable of orgasm, but because our sexual culture is toxic to the female orgasm. She goes on to point out some of the ways our culture inhibits lady-gasms, but that's the basics. The thing is, it is actually a quite simple concept, but that toxic sexual culture is so deeply ingrained in us as people it's hard to see it clearly, and it makes the discussion incredibly complicated. In fact it's so complicated and so ingrained that it's kinda hard to speak about because you first need to convince people that a problem even exists to begin with. She does a fantastic job, though, and tackles some of the really important sticking points of this topic quite well.

It's a fantastic, poignant, brave article, and I highly recommend you check it out. Here's a quick couple of my fave things about it.

1 She has none of the orgasm-isn't-the only-important-part-of-sex talking point that often get brought up in these conversations and ends up dumping a big cold bucket of water on any interesting discussion about women's right for orgasmic sex with a simple, to the point line.

"Orgasm doesn’t have to be the focus of sex, but if a woman wants one, she should have as much of a right to request it as anyone else does."

2 She points out the many-faced issues that pop up with 1-1 interactions that keep orgasm inequality strong.

The lack of interest from (some although not all) men in trying to get a woman to orgasm, the pressure women feel to make sure men orgasm, the privilege men feel about their right to orgasm, and the ingrained insecurities women feel about their own capability for and right to orgasm. It's a hot mix of trouble, I tell ya, and she touches on all of it.

3 She also acknowledges how incredibly tricky and persistent this whole thing:

"Orgasm inequity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. When men believe women’s bodies are an impossible puzzle, they don’t try to solve it. Neither do women who are taught their own pleasure is inaccessible."

Seriously, when I read great stuff like this, it excites the hell out of me, and I feel like I'm seeing more and more stuff like this. One, it tells me that I'm not that crazy - because although I know this really is an issue and an important one, sometimes it gets to feeling like it's too big and too few people are willing to see it. So, it feels awesome to be reminded that there are women all over who are feeling this inequity and are able to verbalize what they are feeling. Two - I just love that there is one more thing out there in the world that is realistic and thoughtful on this topic to counteract the silly, inaccurate bullshit that makes up the vast majority of writing on female sexuality.

Keep grinding away, Suzannah Weiss - You're doing the good work!

Gilly Langley - Thanks for All the Orgasm Equlity-ing

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Generally, the people I add to the Orgasm Equality Allies List are bloggers and authors and stuff. It's a bias because, ya know,it's easy to read articles and all that - they're just out there on the internet waiting to be read and all. But, there are tons of other people out there doing the good work of orgasm equality. I'm certainly missing TONS of them revolution-making ladies out there having deep, honest orgasm conversations with their friends and speaking up when they hear someone spouts shitty information. I know there's tons of moms and dads out there that are talking about clits and informing their kids about the physical truths of male AND female orgasm. And undoubtedly, there are couples that work to include female pleasure and orgasm more fully in their sexual relationship: women who find the courage to rock the boat, and men who give them the room to do so. There's a lot of Sexual Revolution going on out there in the world, but I'm sadly not able to put most of them on my Orgasm Equality Hero list...because I don't know them, and even if I did, they probably don't actually want to be on my list.

However, what I realized recently, is that I do know someone who is not necessarily writing a blog or anything, but is rocking Orgasm Equality like a goddamn boss - Ms. Gilly Langley!!!

I e-met her close to 2 years ago, I think, and get ready - 'cause this will blow your damn mind - she hosted the First UK screening of Science, Sex and the Ladies, which I was super psyched about. I mean, she was bringing SSL worldwide!

Here's the real thing though. She's a Twitter mama, and she's slinging that social media to intentionally and consistently share the good word on Cliteracy, Orgasm Equality. and lady-gasm rights. AND this, I think, is the most awesome part. She always be tryin' her best to bring people together. Twitter-ducing people to people who might like eachother's work or who are on the same page about something. She's like some amazing magnet or glue or something that brings people together and raised everyone up. I love this lady. Plus, she's kicking ass on all kinds of other activist work, and I can only imagine crushing the family and work things too, 'cause I think that's how she rolls (most of the time at least).

Here's to you Gilly Langley - keep churnin' that revolution!...and welcome to the Orgasm Equality Heroes list!

Bad Sex: An Orgasm Equality Article on Feministe

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A lovely woman posted a link on our local Sex Geekdom Facebook page of an article I just love. I love the honesty and vulnerability and the realness. I also love that it's a revolutionary piece - of the orgasm equality variety. Please read the full article here. It's called Bad Sex by EG. I have added her to the Orgasm Equality Allies MegaList cause she deserves it.

I know I'm always talking about people being all revolutionary, but that's just because it's true. There's a sexual revolution bubbling up out there, and I'm just pointing out when I see its little head pop up, hoping it will become more and more clear that people from all over are ready for change; that it's not just random - it's a trend of people being tired of what seems like unfair shit happening for women and sex.

This article would fit into what I feel like is a growing category of articles involving women confessing their experiences of bad sex and linking that to a larger problem with gender inequality in expectations and feelings of worth when it comes to sex. She goes into some great points in this article about a tendency for any 'bad sex' to be pushed into the category of rape or coercive sex and how that blocks a nuanced discussion about female sexual experience. I would particularly check out some of the great discussions that EG gets into in the comments. She is on point.

 In particular, this article recounts the author's first sexual relationship with a much older, married man and how, although it was completely consensual, it was also shitty for a variety of reasons and was part of some long-term damage to her sexuality. I think this long quote below reveals a lot about the need for writing like this.

The thing about dissociating during sex is that once you learn how, it’s pretty easy to do, and doing it–counting ceiling tiles until it’s over–often becomes easier than saying “this isn’t working for me,” so I’ve done it a lot, though not for a few years. And the thing about what happened to me is that I lost all faith in my desire. My gut reaction to feeling attracted to someone was to stay as far from them as I could, on the grounds that nothing good could come of that. When you combine those two things, well, I ended up making myself sleep with men I wasn’t attracted to because I really liked them and they treated me well and it would be a great relationship, women I wasn’t attracted to because I started out being attracted to them but then they started being really nasty to me when it seemed too late to turn back, men I started out being attracted to and whose technique turned out to lack a certain je ne sais quoi. And that’s a lot of lousy sex too. A lot of wondering what was wrong with me that I wasn’t enjoying sex, like I was supposed to. It really did a number on my head. And my body. 

And none of that was rape either. It was all stuff I did to myself. I made those decisions. I consented. I often initiated, because I could think of a good reason not to have sex and “I just don’t really feel like it” didn’t seem like a good enough reason to me. I’ve been to bed with men because it just seemed easier to get it over with than deal with me not wanting to.

These are powerful statements. Let me break stuff down a little.

First, this is one woman admitting that she willingly had terrible sex for years. It's sad and embarrassing. It is counter to the the plethora of media images of women having great orgasmic sex every time they get down to business, and it's against the sex-positive, feminist ideal of a confident, smart, sexual woman choosing her own way and having a fabulous time doing it! Yet, it's also utterly common and completely relate-able. This is feminism giving real talk about the sexual culture for women, and it isn't what people want to hear and what women want to admit, but that's why it's important and necessary.

Second, it is bringing to light something that is universally understood but almost never fully comprehended. Sex, the regular ol' hetero sex people have, can be regularly so nothing to a woman that she can count tiles on the ceiling until it's over. Yes, I understand that there may be mental and emotional inhibitors blocking the normal forward path of arousal, and that may have something to do with the boredom, but let's get real. The physical stuff that's happening during this normal ol' sex isn't getting her aroused or off, and it wouldn't get other women off either. Can we just let that sink in for a minute? Woman are half the people involved in regular ol' hetero sex, and guess what, that stuff is largely only orgasmic for the man...AND, it doesn't seem to be regarded as an appalling situation even though it so is. Regular ol' sex is gone about in such a way that men are always getting the correct stimulation they need to continue arousal and orgasm. If they weren't (for instance if he is losing arousal and thus his erection) then it wouldn't be normal ol' sex anymore, now would it? There would be a change in activity to help him with this, or there would be a 'concern' of some sort. Basically his lack of arousal would be noticed, concerned about, and activities might even be adjusted to address it. Yet, tons of women count ceiling tiles every day without anyone (often including herself) noticing, being concerned, or addressing the situation at all.This woman's problems sit within a larger, gender related problem in our sexual culture, and the more people like this author who bring it up and make us look at that, the better.

Third, it acknowledges the ambivalence, confusion, and wrong-head decision making that comes with detaching from or not trusting one's own desire. The truth is that this wierd sexual situation women exist in, one where the physical pleasure we expect from sex is often not what we actually experience and where our pleasure takes a natural back-seat to male pleasure, does mess with our desire and does mess us up in mind and body. I imagine we all have different experiences and are affected by this in different ways and to varying degrees, but I dare say we are all indeed affected by it.

Fourth, she describes how she felt her experiences with bad sex were because of an individual problems and personal shortcomings. That's part of why these experiences are so embarrassing to discuss, so invisible, and so harmful. All of us women are like this author. We all exist in this f'd up sexual culture that messes us up in very individual ways, and we too often feel like it's probably just us and our personal neurosis. The more we tell each other our experiences, though, the more we will see that at least parts of our problems exist outside of us, and the more we will be able to address the larger problem.

Bravo to this author. She is an Orgasm Equality Hero. This is a woman brave enough to tell tough personal truths and insightful enough to see how the truths she experience might be about more than her individual, personal issues even if it doesn't or hasn't always felt that way. That, my friends, is revolutionary, because speaking truth about things that are not spoken about truthfully but that cause unnecessary systemic pain is so, so important. It shines light on the problem so that it can finally be addressed.

Alana Massey Says 'Meh' And Revolts Orgasm Equality Style!

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A diligent and good friend sent me a link yesterday to an article called "A woman's right to say 'meh': being sex positive won't guarantee you an orgasm," and I'll be goddamned if this article didn't knock my socks off. Alana Massey (and please do go check out some her other writing HERE. I was thoroughly enthralled with them yesterday) cut through the status quo bullshit by being honest, and it was revolutionary. So much so that I couldn't stop myself from immediately adding her to my ever growing list of people saying shit that will help start the next sexual revolution. Please go check her out on the Orgasm Equality Allies megalist.

Let me be clear. Women speaking honestly about the blah, meh, annoying, embarrassing (truly embarrassing - not like 'I totally farted once while we were having sex' embarrassing), sad disappointing, and unfair aspects of our sexual feelings and experiences is revolutionary. It's revolutionary because what we usually hear is:

• how AMAZING sex is
• how bad sexual assault is, or
• how we can spice up our sex lives, get over those inhibitions, balance out those pesky hormones, and finally tell our partner what we really wants so we can be having AMAZING sex too! By golly!

Alana, however, cuts through the standard talking points and speaks impactful truth here: As a whole, women are not having great sex.

The bad-ass article
Using an anecdote from a dating app interaction as a jumping off point, she describes the frustration with navigating a sexual culture that is quite simply, pretty shitty for us ladies. She gives a nod to the often discussed (although still quite harsh) damned if you do damned if you don't, slut vs. prude situation, but then she digs deeper into some real revolutionary shit. The truth is, whether you do or you don't, on a whole it's mediocre sex anyway.

The kicker? It is more emotionally laborious for a lot of women to explain why they don’t want to have mediocre sex than to simply have the mediocre sex. It’s just that the sex does approximately as much for us as making a cupping motion over our elbow over and over again. It doesn’t hurt, but why would we?

I know, right? Can we at least get some orgasms up in here? No? Okay, I guess I'll just live with it.

For the most part, we’re comfortable with perpetuating the myth that it is easier to fit a camel through a needle’s eye (thanks for the metaphor, Jesus) than to give a woman an orgasm, instead of admitting that we’ve never prioritized teaching men how to give them. 

She is spot on with this. Women aren't orgasming, and we just brush this huge problem under the rug. Alana don't brush nothin' under the rug though, and that's why she's a badass Orgasm Equality Hero.

The comments 
So...I read some of the comments on this post, (just some, cause there was over 1200), and they reminded me that even if one speaks these truths, the #1 reaction is still to swiftly and confidently tell everyone that the author is wrong. There is no problem...except with the author.

Granted, there were lots of comments from women who related deeply to this and defended these truths, but these ladies can only do so much given that there seems to be little interest in entertaining even the mere possibility that our culture holds deep rooted orgasm, pleasure and sex inequalities. So, inevitably, the negative posts on this outweighed the positive, and they looked almost exactly like comments I get on posts about orgasm equality. Outside of just plain nasty ones with little content, I'd say they mostly boil down to this:

1. This writer is dumb/an anomaly/whiny because her problems with sex actually come down to her not communicating her needs and/or choosing bad men and/or being too emotionally unattached. There is no problem.
2. I am a man that is really good at sex and really amazing to the women I have sex with. I care about women and sex, I mean, I don't even enjoy it AT ALL unless she comes. Therefore there is no problem.
3. I am a woman that has AMAZING sex All. The. Time. because I have a great man and/or because I am really great at all things sex. Therefore there is no problem.
4. It's undeniably true that women's sexual organs are like snowflakes. None are like another. There is absolutely NO way of telling what might make a woman come unless she tells you. I just wanted to say that and remind everyone that it is no one's or nothing's fault ever that women don't orgasm. Hell, some women absolutely hate orgasms and prefer to just enjoy the sensual and emotional parts of sex. So, there really is no problem at all. Just communicate with your partners and everything will be fine, k?
5. Well, evolution. So, ya know...men...spreading seed and all that. There's no problem here. It's just biology, sorry to tell ya.
6. Uh, proven fact: Actually women don't know how to please men either (teethy blowjobs, am I right?!) - so, your assertion that there is a problem with gender inequality in regards to orgasm/pleasure is utterly baseless and/or sexist.

I wanted to bring up the comments (and seriously, they really do pretty much land in those categories) because I think it's useful to note how hard people push against really hearing that there is orgasm inequality between the sexes. It's either sloughed off as just biology, dismissed as nothing really, or there is a simple refusal to see it as something larger than personal or relationship communication issues.

Cause ain't nobody wanting to hear this
These comments exemplify how quickly and confidently women's explorations of orgasm, pleasure, and sexual inequalities are marginalized, and not just by men. There is a wide cultural stronghold against talking honestly about this shit - about even insinuating there is a larger problem with inequality. Because when we say this, we are also saying that consensual, well intentioned sex acts between a man and a woman who are good, smart, thoughtful, even lovingly married people are still tarnished to some degree, and that is not a can of worms people are ready to open.

But I feel like I'm seeing more and more people exploring anyway; laying down truth like Alana did - even while knowing 300 or more commentors will close their ears and accuse her in a variety of creative ways of being stupid about sex on a personal level; assuring all the other readers that there is no 'problem' here. There is only this writer and people like her who are silly, bad communicators, too frigid, too eager to jump into bed with bad men, too focused on the 'physical,' and generally just bad at sex.

It's such a beautifully effective way to shame and silence authentic female frustration about sex, and honestly, I don't even think most of the commentors mean to do it. They are just framing the discussion in the way discussions of sex are always framed, and they think they are helping by using their experience to tell you what your problem is.

It is a cruel tool in a culture that was infiltrated by a certain brand of blasé sex positivity long before achieving true gender equality and, by extension, before we’ve decentralized men’s orgasms as the ultimate purpose of sex between a man and a woman.

 Alana was specifically talking above about how easily men shame women who are not "immediately open and enthusiastic about sex," but I think her point about there being a brand of sex positivity that is enthusiastically embraced but not actually built on a proper foundation is integral to this problem of orgasm/pleasure/sexual inequality. However, as she later points out, that orgasm/pleasure/sexual part never seems to enter serious discussion on gender inequality, and I think she's, again, spot on about why.

But the absence of sexual satisfaction from these discussions is also due to the belief that, for the most part, sexual inequality was resolved by the sexual revolution, women’s lib and the widespread adoption of birth control. The legacy of these movements is a mountain of unfinished business which gave birth to a half-formed sex positivity lovechild now wrecking havoc on anyone who isn’t down to fuck. 

In practice, sex positivism is an ideology that says, “What’s the big deal?” about sex, countering a narrative which sees it as inherently negative and shameful. But it dismisses our reply..."

And that's just it isn't it? Our replies about the blah, meh, annoying, sad, disappointing, and unfair aspects of sex keep getting blindly dismissed.

I'll leave you with one of Alana's final paragraphs. It is honest and bold and needed, and I respect the hell out of her. Keep your revolution spinning, Ms. Alana! Also, please, please go read this full article HERE.

That all this happens while, for women who have sex with men, some of the most disappointing experiences in life are sex with men. We tell women to have sex with as many partners as they like, but then don’t vigorously encourage those partners to be any good at sex. Women who opt out of frequent sex or sex entirely are considered repressed, and women who opt in are considered worthy of disrespect. That many of us have developed a politics of ambivalence toward sex in a society that can’t make up its mind should be no surprise. “Blah” is not just a reaction to these tiring conversations, it is a description of most of the sex itself.

Vulva not Vagina: Orgasm Equality Awesomeness from Mary Katharine Tramontana

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The post I'm writing today will be short, but please don't confuse that with my lack of enthusiasm for the subject. I'm just in a hurry. The article I'm posting about today is straight kick ass, and the woman who wrote it gets Orgasm Equality Hero status. I put her right on The List (it's ever growing).

Anyway, I saw this article called Ladies, and Gentlemen, the Vulva. by Mary Katharine Tramontana. Of course I'm gonna check it out - because vulva and because you know I like saying Ladies. To my great joy I quickly realized the article was about using the word vagina in place of the word vulva - which is some bullshit that happens WAY too much. And further, I realized that Ms. Tramontana was placing this vocabulary situation in the context of a world that regularly ignores the important, lady-gasm giving parts of the female genitalia to focus on the inner gentleman-gasm giving parts. I fell in love just a touch.

When we say vagina, we're collectively ignoring the visual aspect of female anatomy, the clitoris and the labia, with language. The vagina is the way that guys who have sex with girls come. Since Kinsey's 1953 landmark book Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, we've known that most women need direct clitoral stimulation (by a hand, a mouth, or some other object) to have an orgasm. And yet, how many times do we still see, in movies or television, the depiction of a woman's orgasm as a result of cock-penetration alone? That we call the female gentials "the vagina" speaks volumes about the politics of sex. "Vagina" keeps the focus on straight male pleasure. 

Fuckin' A! Spit that truth Ms. Tramontana!

Don't use the word "vagina" unless you're talking about a vagina. Using the word "vagina" incorrectly obscures women's sexual pleasure and continues the myth of The Mystery of Female Sexuality. Mysticism should not be confused with ignorance or censorship. Viva la vulva!

Viva la Vulva indeed! Go read the full article HERE.