Ribbed for Her Pleasure on the Interwebs: F'd Up Shit

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Last post I wrote about 'Ribbed For Her Pleasure' condoms and how ridiculous it is to believe that the ribbing on those condoms could help out in any way with her orgasm - which I argue is part of what is meant by and understood in the word 'pleasure.' I explain it in the post HERE, but basically the big point is that rubbing and/or pressing against the vaginal wall, like a penis does during intercourse is not something that sensibly seems like it should cause orgasm based on, you know, anatomy ALSO, no orgasm has ever been physically recorded in scientific literature from this kind of stimulation. That's just the truth, and so it's plain bonkers to assert that a little texture on the condom surrounding the penis would somehow increase the non-existent chances of banging the vaginal wall into an orgasm. Like I said, I discuss this (and inside-out penises in case you're interested) more in the original post.

Why I'm writing this post, however, is because I saw some funny/sad/poignant things in a couple of the websites I found while writing that other post. I was just looking around for what kinds of things people were saying about ribbed condoms, and there they were. I would have liked to sprinkle them into the original post, but I also wanted to keep that post short and sweet (which for me is still fairly long and not that sweet).

Anyway, that's why we're here so let me just share a few of these.

11 Ribbed and Textured Condoms That’ll Actually Get You Excited About Condom Shopping
This is a online Cosmo article by Carina Hsieh from June 27, 2019

It's tagged with "You'll never go back to regular condoms after this." You probably will, though. Firstly because ribbed condoms are bullshit, but also because this article is almost completely just a list of different ribbed condoms with a description of what they look like and their prices. There's no testimonials or anything that in any way work to convince you that ribbed condoms are somehow an extra great way to do intercourse. It's like a big advertisement for all the condom companies that advertise on the Cosmo website.

To be fair though, she does lead in with a tiny bit of a generic ad for ribbing in general. It's not enough to convince anyone to buy ribbed condoms, but it is enough to be completely weird and incorrect.

So it's in the very first lines of the very first paragraph of the article. It's the only discussion of ribbing that's not basically just descriptions of texture and the first line is this:

"Since most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation, not penetration alone, every extra bit of friction can only help you in that regard. While ribbed condoms might seem like a gimmick, the texture and added friction on the surface can actually provide some clutch clitoral stimulation to bring you to orgasm."

This is bonkers to me, not surprising or unique or really even backward in relation to other orgasm writing, but still bonkers. So, let's break this down.

THE GOOD
She acknowledged that most women need clit stim to come. Much appreciated, but honestly that is basic. It really should be just baseline knowledge for a sex-writer - particularly in a woman's magazine - because in surveys this is consist, and it's kind of an undeniable truth. Unfortunately, many pieces of writing don't even acknowledge that, but it is customary for any progressive lady-sex writing to mention it.

THE BAD
However, like almost all of, even quite progressive, writing on lady-gasm, the writing up there also leaves that sense that still some women do orgasm from just vaginal stimulation alone (which is not an anatomically or evidence based thought and probably isn't true). It also seems to insinuate that ribbing helps women who only orgasm clitorally to become more orgasmic through penetration alone. It doesn't say how in any sensible way, and thus seems to me to have no actual, concrete idea of how orgasm physically works. That's a problem, but it's also just weird.

THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE
So, how exactly will "every extra bit of friction help you in that regard?" What regard? The regard that I can't orgasm from penetrations?

Also, how exactly is the texture on the condom supposed to provide any "clutch clitoral stimulation?" Condoms work the vagina, not the clit. Is the condom covered dick going to pop out and start rubbing the clitoral glans?

And, riddle me this? If a woman can't come from penetration alone, but the 'texture and added friction' on a condom, which we can only assume will be touching her during penetration is supposed to help her come, is the insinuation that she (and maybe all women) actually can come from penetration alone - but only if she has enough friction?

Is that the regard this is helping us in? And if so, are we ladies supposed to assume that ribbing is some magic thing that somehow gives us the clitoral stimulation we need without actually touching our clit, thus allowing us to have our clit orgasms but somehow magically through penetration? If you think about it at all, it's a confusing nonsensical mess of a statement up there.

THE REASONING, MAYBE?, THAT IS ALSO INCOMPREHENSIBLE
My best guess is that she's referring to the hip new (and scientifically unfounded idea) that women can come from penetration clitorally because the penis sort of presses through the vaginal walls against the clitoral legs that are on either side of the vagina. There are a couple scientific studies on this that people like to reference (with individuals and with a couple), that neither prove orgasms can happen from penetration alone nor prove that pressing the clitoral legs might cause an orgasm at all. However it suggests it maybe, might, possibly, could be the cause of vaginal orgasm (which, let's be reminded, is not even an 'orgasm' that has actually been identified physically) and that's been enough to allow anyone and their mama to believe that clitoral leg pressing through the vagina during banging is the proven way that these 'vag-gasms' happen. This explanation of a 'type' of orgasm that hasn't even been observed has taken over for the g-spot explanation that was equally silly but just as popular through the 80's up until a few years ago.

Point is I don't know what this writer is getting at because even if she has this clit-leg mechanism in mind, texture on the condom ain't gonna help because it's about pressure not tactile sensation. 

The clitoral glans and surrounding tissue (which is what needs to be stimulated for a woman to orgasm) is very much not the inside of the vagina, and that statement up there is very much confused about anatomy and what is physically needed for a woman to orgasm, but it's also not surprising because most people, even progressive sexperts, are confused about that. It doesn't make it any less bonkers though.

BUT, I STILL LIKE COSMO
Now, I know Cosmo is traditionally an easy target for harsh, sarcastic feminist critique. It's seen as dumb and irrelevant (and sometimes hilarious) when it comes to sex advice, but that is not my take. Honestly, I think minus some of the more wildly hilarious position suggestions, it's sensibility is right on par with the larger culture and even the sex-positive culture. You know; Sex is good. You should not fake. Most women need clit stimulation, but coming from getting banged is a thing.

Cosmo is not much different from any sex positive sexpert - even though the progressive sex writers would love to believe they are. None of them really get that there is no reason to believe a 'vaginal orgasm' exists and tend to just (maybe unintentionally) reinforce that vaginal orgasms are attainable and sometimes even desirable. In fact, I would actually say that one of the best clit-focused sexpert writing I've seen is from Jill Hamilton doing Cosmo Sex Position Lists. She gets it and tries her damnedest to point out that women need clitoral glans area stimulation to come. So, I'll go ahead and say I'd like to see better from Cosmo because I know they can do it.

Are Ribbed Condoms Worth It? An Experiment
A BroBible article written by Aimee Porter about 6 years ago

The article was about the writer Aimee seeing ribbed condoms in the pharmacy by chance and realizing that she's been off condoms for so long that she had missed this boom of 'for her pleasure' products out there. She wondered if they really work.

If you’re banging, you know condoms are a necessary evil (use them or get herpes!). And I imagine there are many of you who have been suckered into ponying up for the ribbed stuff in the hopes that it’ll send your girl into mind-blowing orgasms the likes of which she’s never previously known. So, are those orgasms even possible? Right then and there, I decided to find out.

So, for this article, she bought a pleasure pack and enlisted her boyfriend to help her try them out. He wasn't excited about it, but he did it. There were 4 types, 3 ribbed styles and one warming lube. The first ribbed one was so not-ribbed she could barely feel the ribbing with her fingers when she ran them across it, so she didn't even bother. She tried the 2nd, The Sensations, and then during the intercourse switched it to the 3rd, The Intense.

The Intense had even more ribs than the Sensations, but yet, I didn’t get much of anything from it, either. At that point, my boyfriend came, so we tabled the Warming condom for later review. But I couldn’t help but feel extremely disappointed. Would any of these things make me feel something other than just, you know, gettin’ banged?

They later tried the heated lubricant one and it burned her vag - so they stopped.

I was down for the count. I tried to give my boyfriend a handjob as a consolation prize, but after a while he told me to stop. It was clear my heart just wasn’t in it. (Can you blame me? My lady parts had just been pan-seared!)

So, for her this condom test continued her tradition of unorgasmic banging and dialed in somewhere between meh and burned vagina. But how did her boyfriend describe his ribbed condom experience after he busted nut in one up inside her?

And for the record, what did my boyfriend feel? “I felt like I was having sex with a condom on,” he said. “It sucked.”

Really? fucking your girlfriend until you came 'sucked'? Really? That's how this dude would describe it?

Let me just put that into perspective. A woman has sex, ribbed condom or not and unfortunately she still does not "feel something other than just, you know, gettin’ banged?" - i.e. she doesn't orgasm condom, ribbing, or bareback. But, yeah, HIS experience sucked. She gets a penis rammed in her over and over, week after week through a long term relationship and NEVER COMES. EVER. But, he has to put a condom on his dick while he rams it in her, and as it always is, week after week through a whole long-term relationship, it's arousing and stimulating enough the his pelvic muscle spasm in orgasm and his penis spurts out semen in ejaculation, but "It sucked."

That my friends says, so, so much about the male vs. the female experience of sex. How desperately low lady expectations are, how strangely normal it all seems for women to have sex with no orgasm, and how invisible this insanely striking difference is for someone with a penis.

Ladies, we need higher expectations. We deserve our partner to feel so bad after they stop sex before we orgasm because their penis is burning that they come back from the bathroom to give us a half-hearted handie too.

MeTelling Cosmo Readers to Rub on Stacks of Laundry in Their Panties

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If you read this blog you know that I have some straight up love for some of the Cosmo sex writing. Yes, cool people are supposed to make fun of Cosmo Sex Position lists, but that's stupid because the Cosmo Sex Position lists have been bringing their A-game, full on clit focused and yet still often hilarious shit. It's actually at the forefront of the Orgasm Equality Revolution, so suck it. Jill Hamilton and the editors and illustrators that support her are bringing that Revolution, ya'll.

So on that note, I would like to introduce to my SSL world Lane Moore. She's the Sex and Relationship Editor at Cosmo. From my understanding, she wrote a post about ways to masturbate, and Jill was tasked with doing some additions for an updated version to put out there. So, Jill asked me if I would like to be one of the experts in there and I of course said yes. I mean, I am not going to turn down the chance to have my name in Cosmo because that's awesome motha fuckas. Plus, I like thinking of clit-tastic things to do while alone or with a partner. So she sent me the link to the original, because my solo-sex position couldn't be something already in there. What I found was clit focused stuff, which was awesome as shit. They even talked about penetration, but didn't act like you could forget about the clit stimulation during it. That's big. I mean you'd think that talking about masturbation of course it'd be clit-focused, but sadly that's not usually the case.

So, I was super stoked about being part of that, and decided to talk about rubbing your underwear covered vulva against something soft. It's how I masturbated from about 4 to 18, and it's awesome. They didn't have room to add in my advice about keeping a hand under the soft thing to push up against you as you grind down on it, so I thought I'd add that in here. It's a journey, people. Try different things until it feels right.

This whole thing reminded me how much I love this way of masturbating. I actually felt weird about it after I started being sexual with a real live person in my late teens and felt like I needed to teach myself a more 'correct' way of masturbating. So, I started using my hand on my clit until I was able to come from it. I am pretty adept now 20 years later, but it took me a couple weeks of trying before I was able to make it work. It was too intense for me at first. Anyway, I think about that sometimes and how sad it was that I thought the way I masturbated wasn't cool enough because it's not what you see on TV or movies or porn. It works like a motha fucka though, and to all my sisters out there who come this way, high fives to all of you. I don't do it this way enough. I may hit it this way tonight.

So, check out the article. You'll enjoy.

How To Masturbate For Women - 12 Masturbation Tips by Lane Moore and Jill Hamilton

Cosmo October 2018 - The SSL Review

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For fun and good times, I picked up a Cosmo a while back that had a bunch of sex stuff on the cover. Actually it wasn't for fun and good times. It was so I could SSL Review it. So, that's what I'm doing so I can finally throw it out (I love to throw things out). It is the October 2017 issue, and it Touts "76 Sex Secrets!" including "Toys That Hit The Spot" "4 Hidden Moan Zones" and "Hot Solo Sex Tricks"

To start out, I'd like to say that I don't know what The Spot is. The only spot that needs hit really is the clit, and all vibrators got that going for them. You just press it on there. Hell even electric tooth brushes can handle that. I think they're just being coy, trying to conjure up in women's minds all the ambiguous, bullshit 'spots' they're supposed to be hitting during sex. It's cheap.

The hidden moans zones, everyone: Your brain, your vulva, your core, and your voice. Outside of the fact that they are calling them 'moan zones' I kinda respect what they did with the content here...except for the coregasm stuff, but we'll get into that.

Hot solo sex trick? Not that hot and not that tricky. It's really just an article about basic masturbation and that you should do it and it's good. I mean, I'm all for it, but let's not go too far with the promises.

Also, I have no idea where the 76 number comes from. I wonder if they counted every single little piece of advice in the 3 article sex-section spread and put that on the cover. I assumed there would be like a bit list or something, but there is not...so don't be looking for it.

The Overall
I mean, yes, they talk about masturbation as good. Yes, there's talk of the importance and sensitivity of the clit. But, there's also this focus on a coregasm where you orgasm from ab work, and there's an little blip about boosting your vaginas mood, and there's also talk about masturbating by ramming a dildo into you to stimulate the G-spot. So, in the end, this Cosmo is just like most other sex-positivey women's sex advice...it's a big ol' mix of confusing where a woman gets the same fucked up message she always gets - Orgasms come from everywhere!

They don't. Female orgasms come from the clitoral gland area in the same way that male orgasms come from the penis. There has never been a study in peer reviewed scientific literature that showed stimulation inside the vagina causing a physical orgasm. It's true. So, G-spots, inner clit-legs, cervix stimulation, even core workouts...that shit has NEVER been shown to cause orgasm, yet we talk about these things as much - no more - than we talk about the clit. I swear, if men had advice after advice their whole life in all kinds of media focusing on their balls, perineum, and asshole whenever orgasm was alluded to more than on the penis...dudes would be confused as hell too.

Point is, this article is a mixed review when it comes to its discussion on coming. That means it doesn't have a clear, fact based point of view on female orgasm, which means, frankly it's part of the problem. Talking about correct things like the clit's relation to orgasm and the importance of masturbation is great, but if in the same breath there is discussion about the g-spots relation to orgasm or other non-verified lady-gasm methods, all the good is erased because women still get the sense that they should be orgasming by getting their vag banged or from the many other fake news orgasm methods that we see in porn, movies, books, and TV every day. Women still aren't getting accurate information, and nothing changes.

So that said, here's a list of noted lady-gasm, masturbation, or clit related items in this issue.

 They mentioned the CLIT! - The 2nd of the 4 Moan Zones is the Vulva.

Your outer genitalia needs more love. It's a key erogenous area - home of the clitoris, with some 8,000 nerve endings! - but some women ignore it altogether.

I mean it's not a key erogenous zone. It's the key erogenous zone. Do people describe the penis as a key erogenous zone for men, like it's not the king of male erogenous zones? Anyway, they did mention it, and I agree it needs more love (ALL THE LOVE!). They say women might ignore it largely because a lot of women are uncomfortable with how it looks. Maybe. Or maybe it's because we live in a culture that ignores it and all the sex and orgasms we see in media also ignores it, but it could also be our personal insecurities about our bodies too. That's usually what's wrong with us women, right? We just aren't mentally healthy and in touch with ourselves enough. But, point taken. We should look at our junk like they say. I do think a good hand mirror look is good for all ladies.

Get outta here with yer fuckin' coregasms - The 3rd Moan Zone is the core. This blurb wasn't really about having strong pelvic-floor muscles (the ones that contract during an orgasm) like I thought it would be. I could have gotten behind that. Instead it was about that IU researchers found that some women have orgasms from core workouts (this is from a survey - no physical tests here...so...). They recommend you engage your lower ab muscles, maybe hanging leg raises or 50-100 crunches will do, and it may exert pressure on your clitoris or contract your pelvic-floor muscles. they also say that even if you don't have an orgasm kissing the lower belly is erotic too!

You know Amy Schumer was on the Joe Rogan podcast when they told her about this study, and she said something I loved. "Okay, why don't I just rub my clit? What?...Like why all the...why all the work?" Indeed. Why are we fussing over a possibility of an orgasm from ab workouts that some women say they have when we could just rub our fucking clits. We don't put dudes through this kind of shit about their orgasms. We just work their penis. Done...maybe add some ball ticklling or a finger up the ass if we want to get fancy, but mostly just work the penis.

Also, I feel like it's all just a little confused.

During sex - especially girl on top or doggie-style - squeeze your ab and pelvic-floor muscles to make your orgasm even stronger, suggests Morse. "This will also create a tighter grip on your partner's penis - an incredible sensation for him."

Why especially during doggie or woman on top? Do they know that during orgasm your pelvic-floor muscles contract and release involuntarily (about 1 every .8 seconds!)? Will voluntarily squeezing the muscles during that time make it better? Do I give a shit if my pussy grip is tight enough while I'm trying to have an orgasm? That's a lot to worry about, people. Can we just rub our clits and let those muscles do what they want to do, please?

They said "The Orgasm Gap" - It was just in a 'Tips From Good-Sex Pioneers' thing and it was about Alexandra Fine CEO of Dame Products. They said she started the company "on a mission to end the orgasm gap between the sexes," I respect it. I am for anything or anyone trying to shorten that gap, but that's all they had to say about her or really about the nature of her toys.

Masturbation!  - They had a whole spread on masturbation, which I love. They say you should do it, "And why not? Masturbating is a healthy (and, hi, orgasmic) part of your self care." I'm not gonna disagree Cosmo.

The give some tips (are these the hot solo sex trick?) like *do it while no one is around and *set up a sexy scene when you do it and *check out some porn or erotica - you know real pro tips. But they also suggest

Right before you embark on the main event, touch yourself all over to build tension. "Stroke your feet, brush your hair, or softly run a feather over your skin," says Van Kirk. Doing so may intensify your orgasm.

I'm not so sure how sexy brushing your hair is, but yeah, I'll accept that the more arousal building one can do before orgasm the more intense it could be. That's what orgasms do, they release all the tension and blood congestion brought on by arousal, so the more there is the more there is to release.
 
No, maybe these are the Hot Solo Sex Tricks - They list 3 "upgraded positions"

Self Reflection: Kneel in front of a full-length mirror. watching yourself, use your pointer and middle fingertips to make small circles around your clitoris. some women say the 1 O'clock spot (up and to your left) packs the best feels, while others prefer a windshield wiping motion.

Cool with this one. Love it in fact. It's all about the clit and it's detailed.

Super-Hot Soaker: The next time you lather up, put a handheld showerhead into service. directing the stream onto your clitoris. thinking about sexy things - your last hookup, any of the Hemsworths - will make your one woman show worthy of a standing O-vation. 

 I get it O-vation. Anyway, I'm way down with this too.

Invisible Man: Pop a Dildo on a chair or the floor, kneel above it, and lower yourself onto it while holding it with one hand. Keep your stance wide for insane G-spot stim, or position your knees close for a tighter feel. Even if you don't climax, it will feel damn good to be in total control.

Bitch, why the fuck am I masturbating if I'm not gonna climax. If I wanna sit on a dick, I can find any rando who will let me do that. Please. Also, why does keeping your stance wide help with G-spot stimulation? Also, I totally get that some women like G-spot stimulation. There is an area we call the G-spot in the vagina that butts up against the urethra and the female prostate, and it has been shown to get swollen and be stimulated to ejaculation. I said ejaculation, not orgasm. Two different things that are often mixed up. G-spot stimulation has never been shown to cause orgasm. Some women have been able to ejaculate to it, and some of them like that. The G-spot is not a magical in-the-vagina button that causes orgasms, though. However, when advice or anything like this talks about G-spot stimulation and climaxing or orgasming without being clear about what the G-spot has actually been shown to do (ejaculation for some but never orgasm), then that advice is piling on to the mountain of information given to women thorughout their whole lives that makes it seem like we should all be orgasming from getting fucked, and it just plain is not true. So fuck this masturbation tip. It all would have been fine if they mentioned her stimulating her clit while she bobbed on her chair dildo.

Vibrator List -

Thrusting Action Jack Rabbit  - Just like a real dude, it has a natural feeling head and can thrust in and out (at six speeds)

but unlike a real dude, it has vibrating rabbit ears to hit your clit while it's thrusting...

Luvit - The OG inventors released this improved silicone version with five clitoral "ticklers" on the ear.

Exactly. Now we're talking about the right shit.

Ina Wave - The shaft waves back and forth in a come-hither motion that's excellent for hitting your G-spot at an orgasmic pace.

First off - Did I not just go over that it's irresponsible to say that G-spot can be hit at an orgasmic pace, because stimulating the G-Spot has never been shown to cause orgasms...only ejaculations. Secondly, This has a vibrating part that stimulates the clit while the other part is inside as well. I think we're not talking about that enough. Thirdly, if the writers had their shit together and were talking about this G-spot stimulation correctly as ejaculation inducing instead of orgasm inducing, then the come-hither motion would make sense. That is often said to be a good way to elicit ejaculation from G-spot stim.

Nova - The super flexible bunny ear can bend against your body for seamless clitoral contact. 

Good. All these damn bunny-ear-style vibrators should have seamless clit contact. That's how a bitch comes.

Sex Q&A -

What's a fun way to use a foam roller in bed?

Okay, fair enough sex question. They say it can prop up the lower back for oral - so he gets a better angle on the lady junk. I'm down with that. Also they say you can use it to

prop up your booty in missionary by positioning it under your lower back, suggests sex coach Amy Levine. This angle means you'll feel him extra deep against your g-spot, and the rolling motion it allows will make his thrusting smoother.

We're back talking about the G-spot again, like it's some amazing orgasmic thing to hit. They didn't say it would cause orgasm in this quote at least, but the insinuation was there. Also, I don't think they know where the G-spot is. It's not deep at all. It's inside towards the stomach only a few inches. A curved index finger can reach it...You don't need a dick in there extra deep to hit the G-spot for some possible ejaculation time...in fact you don't need a dick at all. A finger probably works better.

Vulva Rating
Even though i respect some of the advice, the bad advice erases it, and I so expect more from a magazine that's for women. They need to get Ms. Jill Hamilton, who's writing the online cosmo sex positions to do the actual print stuff too. She knows what's up.

This Magazine gets 1 1/2 vulvas out of 5

(!)(!

Cosmo's Sex Positions Are Still Legit As F#@&

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A Cosmo Guide for Bathroom Sex???
So you see a Cosmo Sex Positions List for 5 Bathroom Positions, and you're probably not, like, thinking that'll be one of the most progressive, orgasm equality, bad-ass feminist sex things on the internet, but you'd be wrong. It is all those things because every one of those 5 positions, in their tiny little descriptions, still found a way to include stimulation of the clit.

Now, one would think, since the clit is as important to female orgasm as the penis is to male orgasm, that a woman's magazine would totally make sure the clit is a central figure in any sex advice or sex ideas it put out there.  Sadly, I think we all know that's almost never the case. Instead, vaginal-penile intercourse is almost always the focus for those types of things, and the clit is left out - or if you're lucky, mentioned as an erotic appetizer or if you're really lucky as 'important too.' It leaves everyone to assume that women can and should orgasm from penetration, which is a big ol' scientifically baseless assumption....a GIANT and long-standing cultural lie, one might say. I mean, imagine if in men's magazines they only discussed sex in terms of clit stimulation against his inner thigh, leaving the penis completely out of almost all the positions and advice - and people like never even really mentioned how insane and anatomically inaccurate that was. That's the kind of crazy-ass backward way of discussing sex that women have to put up with throughout our culture.

Classically the long running tradition of Cosmo's hallowed Sex Position Lists that so many a woman or girl have read among the giggles, awe, interest, and astonished ridicule of their friends has been hardcore intercourse focused with lots of g-spot mentions but very few clit mentions. (P.S. The g-spot is not a magic button in the vagina for orgasms. It might help cause ejaculation for some women...but never has stimulation of that area or anything in the vagina been shown to cause physical orgasm in all of scientific literature) 

HOWEVER, The Cosmo Sex Positions Lists, under the superb creativity and humor of Ms. Jill Hamilton, have changed all that, and I'd kiss her face if I ever saw her in person. I wrote a post recently about how theses sex position lists are going to bring Orgasm Equality, and I meant the hell out of it. I mean, think of all girls reading those sex positions to each other during slumber parties, and instead of imaging good sophisticated-women's-magazine-approved sex as being a vag-bangfest, like my generation did, they are going to also see that sophisticated-women's-magazine-approved sex also includes their clit...because it should.  To me, that's HUGE because it not only helps shape girl's expectations of what should be happening during sex, but maybe more importantly, it will shape the guy's expectations of that as well (boys fo sho read women's sex stuff to get some info). If it feels normal for a guy to think about what's going on with the clit during sexual interactions...my god, just imagine how much better life would be.

It's just one sex thing in the ocean of internet and writing, but Cosmo Sex Position Lists are read by a lot of people, and its style will very likely be copied. Right now they are on the leading edge with this. Consistent clit focus is absolutely not currently the norm in sex writing for the big women's magazines...(and honestly not for a lot of the smaller, progressive stuff either). Although there are others out there trying to make that happen too.

So, go read these Sex Position Lists. They are full of the humor, whimsy, and insanity that you expect and want from these lists, but they are also not completely clueless about female anatomy and orgasm as so many in their past have been. I will give you the clit-related highlights....

5 Positions in the Bathroom
Soapy Slide
"...just let your partner tend to you with one soapy hand sliding up your bum crack, the other sliding over your clit."

The Plunger
"...Fill your hand with lube and rub your clit..."

The Oral V
I mean, this is an oral position. Mouth on clit - enough said.

The Selfie Stick
"...He reaches around with a vibrator while you both admire your mutual hotness in the mirror..."

The porcelain Goddess
"...Have him use two fingers on either side of clit and rub as you ride and you will no longer care that you're doin' it on a toilet."

But that's not all. Not 2 weeks earlier there is also 5 Essential Sex Positions You Can Do Without Leaving the Couch, and guess what motha fuckas? The clit was ignored in exactly zero of these positions.

5 Couch Positions
The Lazy Boy
"...Rub your clit as you move and he can hold onto your boobs—everyone's happy and, technically, still seated."

The Channel surfer
"Fun fact: if you prop a vibrator between yourself and the sofa arm, it stays put, like, perfectly."

The Couch Tease
This is basically couch mutual masturbation, so it's perfect and clit-tastic all on its own.

The VIP Section
This one's a blow job position, but it ends with..."Let them choose how and where they want to orgasm, and then you switch places and Get. Yours."

The Greasy Spoon
"...If it's not quite doing it for you, squeeze some lube on his fingers and guide them where they need to go." In this one the picture has the dude's hand right on the ol' clit area. It's legit.

Cosmo Sex Position Lists Will Bring the Orgasm Equality Revolution!

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The Sacred Institution of the Cosmo Sex Position List is Busting Up The Patriarchy, Bitches.
Now, I know that there is nothing more fun for snarky feminists and misogynist-ish women's magazine haters to do than to make fun of the Cosmo sex position lists. I get it. I've been reading Cosmo on and off my whole life, and I assure you there has at times been some ignorant, thoughtless-ass shit in those lists.

However. Shit. Is. Changing. It has changed. The Cosmo Sex Position Lists are not the same P-in-V obsessed listicles that I remember from my teen years...or from just a few years ago. Granted they do still embrace the light-hearted, absurdity that has always made them something you want to read to your friends  - I mean, that's part of the fun. But, my people, these motha fuckin' lists done got woke these days. Woke about the clit.

Our culture in general - even the sex-positive and progressive parts, are far, far from being Clit-Lady-gasm-Woke, so it seems insane to hope that a huge mainstream magazine like Cosmo would just be miles out ahead of the greater culture on this. And to be fair, it's not miles ahead, but when it comes to these sex position lists, they are out ahead, and that's amazing and important.

To me there has been a real shift in those Cosmo sex position lists towards a more realistic clit-based understanding of female orgasm. And BTW saying clit-based female orgasm is like saying penis-based male orgasm. It really should go unsaid, and sexual encounters and sexual advice for clit-bearing people really should seamlessly include the clit (the glans and outer parts in particular) in the same way that sexual encounters and sexual advice for penis-bearing people seamlessly include the penis.

A Quick Orgasm Equality Primer - Revo-fuckin'-lucion!
As my loyal readers know, there is no such a thing as an orgasm (physically measured through rhythmic muscle contractions) caused by stimulation to anything inside the vagina anywhere in the scientific literature. There's just not. It seems like there would be, but there isn't...the inner vagina does not seem to include anything that can be stimulated to orgasm (ejaculation, yes. orgasm, no.) - not the "g-spot," not special parts of the vaginal wall, not the cervix, not the inner clitoral legs that are real hip to talk about currently - none of them. You know what can be stimulated to cause orgasms? The clitoral glans. The reality is that there are lots of places on the male and female body that can cause heavy arousal, but in the end, to really get the orgasm job done, the penis or the clit need to be involved.

Sadly, though, the clit (and thus the female orgasm) is often not involved - in the conversation, in depictions or in actual sexual interactions. As a result female sexuality is twisted as hell and way too many women are not orgasming way too much of the time...like...there's WAY too few clit orgasms out there compared to penis-gasms.

It's bullshit and we need to revolt because there is no biological reasons women should be orgasming so much less than men, but I digress.

Why I'm Serious About These Lists
Cosmo is a serious player when it comes to our cultural understanding and knowledge of female orgasm. All women's magazines are, but I think Cosmo has a particularly strong rep when it comes to sex. It's incredibly popular, and I venture to say girls and boys in their teens as well as all types of grown people, some time in their life, have taken at least some bit of cues about sex from reading a Cosmo article...even if it was second hand cues. What Cosmo writes about sex matters. It does. Period.

Who's Behind This And Why She's Killing at Orgasm Equality
I suspect that Jill Hamilton has quite a bit to do with that. Jill was one of the very first women I online met through my blog, and she got it. She got Orgasm Equality, and she was on board. She was writing her own hilarious and sometimes quite honest sex related blog (In Bed With Married Women), and I know I have at least 1 or 2 emails from her that end in something like 'Viva the Fucking Revolution!' She's bad ass.

Now, I knew she had been writing some of these lists. I was even consulted for one (and it's been on my list of things to blog about since then), but I really didn't realize that she was basically like the writer of these lists for a bit over a year now.

I hadn't realized she made it to the big-time. And, I'm not really talking about career (although that is a super sweet gig). I'm talking about the big-time in terms of taste-making and reach when it comes to sex advice. For all the reasons I talked about above, Cosmo sex writing means something in the culture, and I know the lists aren't really sex advice, but in practice they act as such. So, given that sex and orgasm are in all reality a huge and deeply important part of women's lives, bad sex advice is damaging (or I should say -continues to be damaging given most advice about female orgasm is already shitty), but good, scientifically sound, realistic advice can heal and enlighten. It can change lives, change the way women fit into our world, and bust up the patriarchy, people. I think particularly because these lists are such an institution and such punchy, fun reads, it's quite possible they touch more people than just about any one sex advice column out there. and that is nothing to sniff at.

And frankly Jill is killing it - as is her editor - Senior Sex & Relationships Editor, Ali Drucker and the two women who illustrate them Marcy Gooberman and Katie Buckleitner. (I learned about them all and their creation methods in a podcast interview that I will discuss below).

What's The Difference 
If I were to sum up my personal perspective of the change (and I'm talking general change) in these lists it'd be kinda like this.

BEFORE:

•  It would focus on how the dick moved inside the vagina and insinuate - sometimes specifically say - that the movement would give the orgasms. 
• The clit was mentioned in these sex positions quite sparsely and almost always in the same way one would mention any other erogenous zone like the breasts or the neck. Like, if an intercourse position happened to also allow for the clit to be stimulated (and honestly it was usually intermittent clit stim that would happen as a side effect of whatever intercourse thrusting was being recommended), it would often be phrased kinda like, 'Bonus! Your clit gets a little love every time he thrusts upward!' It was no different than saying, 'Bonus! you get to stare lovingly into each other's eyes the whole time!' (Let me be real clear. The clit is as important as the penis and should be discussed as such. Have you ever heard sex advice that said *Bonus! His penis will get a little stimulation too!*??)
• The G-spot is spoken about All. The. Time. as something that will cause orgasms though being stimulated by PinV sex. For real. Stimulation of the G-spot or anything else inside the vagina, has NEVER EVER been shown to cause orgasm in all of scientific literature. It's unbelievable given everything you see and read, but it is absolutely true, and it means insinuating to women that they will orgasm because a penis rubs their 'G-spot' is scientifically inaccurate...and kinda mean.

NOW:

• Clitoral stimulation is often mentioned, and often in a casual way as an obvious part of intercourse or other sexual encounter. 
• It is often mentioned how normal not coming through P-in-V alone is. 
• The G-spot is quite rightly not mentioned in relation to orgasm (as far as I can tell I haven't seen that mentioned anywhere in lists written by Jill). 
• I also feel there is something special here, and I guess the best way to describe it is that these lists seem more self-aware, but not in a cynical way.

Why I'm So Goddamn Excited About This New Direction 
What Jill Hamilton and the rest of the Sex Position List Team are doing is like my SSL dream come true. They are a force of change within a big, ingrained institution of defacto sex ed.

You see, I used to think that change would be more like an explosion. When I first started this blog and released Science, Sex and the Ladies the movie, I assumed that if I could just get people to take a different perspective, it would be obvious how messed-up, misinformed and ignorant our culture was about lady-gasms. and people/media/education/advice would start to change. That's super naive, though. It doesn't work that way. Our misunderstandings and ignorance about female orgasm, our deep erasure of the clit, and our reliance on the false but comforting story about intercourse being as orgasmic for females as it is for males exists deep deep in our culture and our psyche, and that doesn't change so easily.

The reality is that the march towards Orgasm Equality is a long, slow one, and it will be won not in this generation, for we, sad to say, are already too broken, but in the future generations. It will be won because people today (like Jill Hamilton) will speak in big, mainstream venues (like Cosmo) about sex and orgasm from a different, Orgasm-Equality-style mindset and will create a different tone to the lady-gasm conversation that will seep into the next generation. Change like this is slow and imperfect and frankly a little frustrating, but the fact that the writer of the sacred and time-tested Cosmo sex position lists is a full-on, kick-ass, Orgasm Equality Activist and that the other women working with her on these seem to be in a similar mindset as well, means that we are going in the right direction. This is true even if for now all their wild revolutionary ideas won't always get greenlighted by the big mainstream venue they work for. Their intentions are still going in the right direction, and that gives me a shit-ton of hope. It makes me really excited in only the way that someone geeking out on their obsession can be excited.

The Cosmo Sex Position Team
So, I listened to an interview with the Cosmo Sex Position Lists creative team (Jill, the writer, Ali the editor, and Marcy and Katie the two women who illustrate them) on the Cosmo podcast, and realized these women were doing god's work (because part of god's work is in fact doing sex lists).

Seriously, though, anyone who wants to poo-poo the current feminist and orgasm equality power of the Cosmo Sex Positions Lists has to go through me first. 

Here are some of my fave take-aways from this podcast:

1 Ali the editor, Jill, and the host were talking about the writing and creative process for these lists, and in the conversation, all 3 were in agreement that most women don't come from penetration (I mean, I personally would say all, not most...sure women can come during penetration, but not as a result of it...but again, I digress).

Listen, any topic could have been a addressed here by these 3 women, but the whole penetration is shit for lady-gasm thing was the one that came up. That, my fellow revolutionists, is a fantastic sign.

2 The editor also called bullshit on the oft-spoken idea that 'getting on top' is all a woman needs to come. Yas y'all! That lame idea is not given the shitty advice certification it truly deserves. I've long been in agreement with this lady.

Here's the deal, it's stimulating the clit (aaaand of course being properly aroused and having masturbated to orgasm at some point so you know what your body needs and all that too) that gets ladies off - not some magic element of being in the 'dominant' position during intercourse.

Now, I will agree that being on top may allow more pelvic freedom during intercourse so that you may better grind your clit against your partner to orgasm, but then again maybe not. Maybe you, like me, prefer to have his full pelvic weight on top of you so you can grind up against him in order to come (if he'd stop moving for one fucking second while you do what you need to do to get off, of course).

Anyway, my point is that telling women that getting on top is the way to orgasm is like saying that going on a date is the way to see a new movie. I mean, yeah, you very well might go to a new movie on your date, but the advice is shitty, misleading. and confuses anyone who is really looking for a realistic way to see a new movie. It misses the one important advice about seeing a new movie - which is that you should go to a movie theater, and you really don't need to be on a date to do that. In the same way, the 'on-top' advice is shitty, misleading, and confusing. It misses the important part a lady would need if she was actually wanting good advice on how she might realistically get to orgasm - which is that you need to stimulate your clit...which you might do on top, but it's not the only way to do that. Anyway, loved her comment on that.

3 When Jill Hamilton asked why she wanted to do these, she said the most perfect thing I could imagine her saying. She said, "I want to be part of the discussion about sex and...I want to tell women that most women don't come from penetration and that they can be honest about what they need." 

Yes, sweet tiny baby jesus, yes. She has accurate, orgasm equality style knowledge about how women actually orgasm, and she wants to make room for that in the cultural conversation. That's what I'm talking about. That's the real Orgasm Equality Revolution, baby; a slow, informed, push back from inside the commercial and popular taste-makers of the sexual culture. I couldn't be happier.

4 I also really liked their discussion about ridiculousness. I thought their perspective was spot-on and thoughtful about the element of humor and absurdity in these sex position lists. It's not that they don't take these seriously, in fact I think it was clear they do take the responsibility of these quite seriously, but that there is a playful humor they all accept and enjoy that makes these lists the institution that they are. I think these ladies quite thoughtfully and actively work to balance the fun/absurd/hilarious element of these with the reality that people actually learn and are influenced by these. It's a tricky rope to walk, but when done right it can push boundaries, change minds and revolutionize the way future generations interact with female orgasm...all while sliding it easily into people's minds with the slick lube of humor.

And you know what? I think largely, they're getting it right. There are lots of lists that speak specifically to the clit as the orgasm maker, and in almost every list there's at least one mention of getting some clit stim so that you can come. It's a far cry from what was going on there in my teen years.

*Bonus* Some Sex Position List Examples For Your Enjoyment
I've looked at pretty much every one of these from the last yearish, and here's some of my fave Orgasm Equality highlights. All the quotes are from Ms. Jill Hamilton.

5 Sex Positions For Enhanced Clitoral Stimulation
"Because just getting on top doesn't magically give you orgasms "  - right?

6 Sex Positions To Try If You Can't Orgasm From Penetration Alone: Because Very Few Women Can
"If you can't have an orgasm through P-in-V alone — which, by the way, means you're completely NORMAL — you're going to need to get a hand or toy involved so your clit gets the love it needs."

So, full disclosure, I was a guest consultant for this one, but prior to that, these Cosmo gals decided they should be doing a list of this kind, and that's truly awesome, my friends.

11 Orgasmic Sex Positions That Are Even Better With A Vibrator
"For those of us who don't have one of those magic, super-sensitive vaginas that's multi-orgasmic with a few thrusts of the P-in-V, the next best thing — and possibly an even better thing — is bringing a small, bullet vibrator into your sex life. The combination of feeling him inside you, plus the dependable love of your vibrator on your clit is ... well, it's fucking amazing, my friends." 

I mean, what I love most about what Jill said here is that she wasn't all like, 'this could work for you people who can't come the right way and need 'extra' ' - which is how the clit is normally brought up in intercourse advice. No, she was all like - 'for all of us who aren't special snowflakes of sex, we get the privilege of enjoying a vibrator during intercourse...and it's hot.' That's the kind of tone I'm talking about, people.

Three-some positions that are actually good for her
I guess I just love this because MMF threesomes are always depicted as sooo male centric. Numbers 1, 2, and 3 here all specifically put the clit into play.

5 Dorm room sex positions that every college student needs in her life
From #3 'Twin Bed Tryst'
"He'll come in from behind, doing a reacharound for you if he's a keeper." 

#5 'Desk-side Get-down' was a doggy over the desk that included using a vibe

New-Parent Sex Positions
Both 1 and 3 include some mutual masturbation, baby! You know how much I love mutual masturbation.

Deep penetration
This is one about deep thrusting, and I do enjoy that it mentions that too much is too much, because that is just plain true.

#1 'Deep Impact'
"He may find spots you didn't know you had, and if he doesn't, squirt a little dollop of lube on his fingers so he can cup his hand over your clit, giving you a long smooth rub with every thrust."

#2 'The Wheelbarrow'
Since it's a bit athletic, Jill gives another modified version and says, "Best rec with this is trying the first version, just to have done it, but finishing in the second way, so you can relax and give yourself some clit love."

5 Sex Positions You Need In Your Life If You Love Cookies
Umm, this is just kinda hilarious - embracing the absurd. Also, I do love cookies and would love to eat them while I orgasm, so bravo...although I really would have liked to see one that was just him eating her out while she ate a cookie. In fact, that should be in every list...but sometimes it should be ice cream maybe.

5 Positively perfect period positions
From #3 'Red Team Rocker'
"He opens your legs slightly to enter you from behind. Feel free to rub yourself with your hand, grind against a pillow or pop a bullet vibe between your legs."

From #4 'Ride The Cotton Pony'
"He can rub your clit or hold a vibe onto you as he thrusts."

Jill also says something to the effect of 'fuck it - do whatever you want because periods are normal,' in this list, which I appreciate as well.

5 Sweet and sultry sex positions for your first time
From #2 'Lovin' Spoonful'
"...plus if you'd like, you have a free hand for rubbing yourself at the same time."

From # 3 'The Lap Waltz'
This is a woman on top position meant to help the newly intercoursing lady control the depth and angle and thus not induce pain, but it also says something quite clit-useful, "Once you get the hang of it, you can gyrate, grind against him..." -with your clit!

5 Positions to try if your partner is smaller than you
3 of 5 of these positions specifically mention getting at the clit during it, and a 4th one is said to position you "for whatever mouth, fingers, strap-on or penis is headed your way"...so oral sex counts as clit love too.

5 Perfect positions for pegging your man
From the intro:
"Also — v. important! — make sure you get equipment that's going to do something for you too. Try a harness with a spot to hold a bullet vibe against your clit (like a Corsette.)"

5 Rusty trombone positions that will change EVERYTHING
Given the reality of the rusty trombone situation, most of these involve one's mouth on a dude's butthole and a hand on his dick. Butt :), as a final example of Jill's style, I'd like to point out that position #5 is described as, "you getting yours," and involves a mouth on a lady's butthole with a hand cupping the vulva (specifically thumb in the vag and a few fingers rubbing the outside). That's keepin' it real, Jill.

Eva Longoria, Her Vibrators, and Her Orgasm Equality Awesomeness

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This post is an Orgasm Equality shout-out to Eva Longoria, the actress who caught her stardom playing Gabrielle on Desperate Housewives. She has candidly and apologetically said in interviews that she didn't orgasm until 26 - with the help of a vibrator. She's's also boldy touted the importance of women knowing our own bodies before before ever expecting a man to.

It's not common for any woman to speak out so genuinely about her own personal experience with orgasming, especially when she is admitting that orgasming was elusive to her for a good chunk of her adult life. Now, make that person a beautiful, famous actress known for her role as a rather sexy lady, and I'd say that takes some low hangin' lips. Her frankness on the subject helps illuminate  the distinction between a woman's sexuality and her sexiness, which is too often lost in a culture that repeatedly assumes sexy is sexual.

The very real truth that women are simply not orgasming as much as men, that this affects our lives, and that we all have struggles to differing degrees with this orgasm gap is just not talked about, so that Ms. Longoria did it is important, brave, and frankly just pretty awesome and bad ass. She speaks the truth not only to reporters, but to her friends, and that's about as much of an Orgasm Equality Soldier as I could expect any person to be.

I think she's probably just a genuine person keeping things real, and likely not saying these things with any sort of specific revolutionary aim, but that's kind of the beauty isn't it? It makes me feel like we're coming to  point 1. where we have powerful women who feel more free to speak candidly, 2. where their voices can be heard, 3. where the current culture and their backgrounds have led them to question their experiences of (less) orgasms (than they want and deserve), and 4. where they're investigating solutions and sharing them with other women. That's kind of the goal. We just need even more women hearing and sharing.

Anyway, I loves me some Eva Longoria and her frank, thoughtful words to women about their orgasms. Here are a couple quotes:

In this article at The Daily Mail, Longoria tells Rebecca Hardy:

"I spoke about vibrators and Brazilians in an article about women finding their sexuality. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 26. That was with a vibrator. And yes, I said that every woman should try a Brazilian wax once. The sex they have afterwards will make them keep coming back. Taken out of context it looks as if I'm running around talking about vibrators. But I hate censoring myself and dancing around things."

Here's a piece of the Q&A from this cosmopolitan interview with Jennifer Graham"

C: You've been quoted as saying that you didn't have your first orgasm until you used a vibrator. Do you think it's important for women to experiment with their own bodies?  

E :Yes, because you get better at sex when you know your own body. How are you going to expect a man to know your body when you don't know what pleases you? It's really important to have a healthy sexuality and to be open about it. It's not a taboo. It's normal. By the way, after my vibrator quote was published, I literally got boxes and boxes of vibrators and pocket rockets [free from sex-toy companies]. So I was constantly giving them away. Even before that, I would give them as gifts to girlfriends for their birthdays, and they'd be so excited.

Gemma Askham - Writing Orgasm Equality for Women's Magazines Like A Boss!!!!

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Women's magazine sex writers get a lot of jokes thrown their way - they bring to mind things like Cosmo sex positions that involve throwing doughnuts around an erect penis and then eating said doughnut.

It ain't no joke to me, though. Women's magazine sex writers are important, and what they write means something. Women are starved for sensible, accurate, realistic, non-frivolous information about our own orgasms. So, when a popular women's magazine publishes information about sex and female orgasm we ingest it even if it's bad. Their words impact women and our understanding of ourselves - they just do.

What that says to me is that when it comes to preaching orgasm equality, sex writers at women's magazines have incredible power to make change and sway the status quo, and what I really want to talk about is the cold hard fact that there really is some good, progressive-as-shit writing out there in this genre. And further, I would like to talk about how important good quality lady-gasm writing must have been to these writers for them to get that shit published. That kind of writing is not the norm, and so the very fact that it gets published means that they had to be a little pushy and a little brave, and their editors had to be a little brave too.

In fact, I have talked to a few of these women over the course of writing this blog, and I know that good writing on this subject isn't usually what the decision-makers are comfortable with. Every little tidbit of true progressiveness is hard fought, and I respect the hell out of these ladies for doing it. They are paving roads. You can meet some of them in my Orgasm Equality Hero's list, and today I'm going to introduce you to one more.

Gemma Askham is a freelance writer. She was a feature editor at British Glamour, and she's written for all kinds of magazines including Elle, Cosmopolitan, GQ, Glamour, Cleo, etc., etc. Anyway, my point here is that she writes for women's magazines, and she sometimes writes in them about sex...and she cares about doing it right. In fact, she is doing it right because she's pushing to be more realistic, more accurate, and more progressive. I think she's kick ass on the Orgasm Equality front, and I know of at least 2 articles she's written that will prove it.

Article 1
In Bedroom Equality, (a pdf of a differently titled print version HERE) a rather appropriate title if I might say so, she talks about the bullshit of so much sex ending when the man comes, about the abundance of crappy, unrealistic sex in porn, and about how too few women masturbate. Most importantly, though, she tells us that women need to start believing we deserve our share of orgasms.

My 2 favorite quotes in this article:

of orgasm..."But when a third more Australian men than women admit to masturbating, what are we telling the world about our right to having one."

"We fight to overturn Australia's 18.8 per cent gender pay gap, yet we're laying back and just letting our 26 per cent gender gap happen. In sex, women aren't only coming second; frequently we aren't coming at all. This isn't the equivalent of being paid less, it's the equivalent of no pay at all."

Hells. yeah. Let's get this fight a goin'!

Article 2
Beating the Orgasm Gap in Australia's Cleo Magazine (pdf HERE) is chock full of orgasm equality and good advice.  She speaks the truth about the clit and its rightful place as the organ of female sexual pleasure. Granted, I may have a few quotes in this one, so I might be biased, but I LOVE that she was so bold about really, specifically pointing out that vaginas do not orgasms make (as far as science has found so far). That's not at all common to see, and I can only imagine it's not super easy for editors to swallow. It's brave, and I am overjoyed she's done it.

However, that's not the only great stuff. There's some wicked insightful thoughts about what our culture has to do with this, what parts we play in it, and what we can do about this orgasm gap. You'll find quotes from the awesome Tumblr, How To Make Me Come (really - check it out if you haven't). Also from Dr. Lisa Wade, author of Gender: Ideas, Interactions, Institutions, Dr. Vivienne Cass author of The Elusive Orgasm, and Elizabeth Armstrong, author of this big ol' survey having to do with orgasm and relationships. ,

You'll also find some sensible and kinda cool starter masturbation activities from Carlyle Jansen, author of Sex Yourself: The Woman's Guide to Mastering Masturbation And Achieving Powerful Orgasms.

Now, that's the kind of sex writing we should be seeing in magazines aimed at us, ladies, amiright?

Gemma kickin' ass and takin' names
Gemma is pushing her medium forward. She speaks to large audiences, and her progressive writing is just the kind of thing that could really give Orgasm Equality a sizable nudge in the right direction. My hat is off to you, Ms. Askham. Welcome to my List of Orgasm Equality Heroes!

I believe there is more to come (ha - come) from Gemma Askham. Keep up to date with her HERE at her site.

Nicki Minaj Wants to Orgasm When She Has Sex - And That Is Seriously and Sadly Revolutionary

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Thanks to Barnaby, who sent me to THIS lovely article, I learned Nicki Minaj got herself interviewed in Cosmopolitan, folks, and she said the following:

"I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that. I have a friend who's never had an orgasm in her life. In her life! That hurts my heart. It's cuckoo to me. We always have orgasm interventions where we, like, show her how to do stuff. We'll straddle each other, saying, 'You gotta get on him like that and do it like this.' She says she's a pleaser. I'm a pleaser, but it's fifty-fifty."

One of the funny things about that quote was that it was under the subtitle "On being high-maintenance in bed:" So, even though Ms. Minaj literally said, "it's fifty-fifty," it's still considered high maintenance?...like as if she had said she demands that men lick her twat for 90 minutes and then go take their blue balls and make her a sandwich?  She very specifically said that she believes sex to be something where you both give and get in equal amount - and that seems extreme?  Notice that she quite correctly insinuates that for sex to be 50/50 between a man and a woman means that woman have orgasms when they have sex - because, let's be honest, men have orgasms when they have sex. I guess it would all makes more sense if it were true what people seem to believe - that women just can't orgasm as easily as men - as if we ladies seriously need weird extra things that make ladygasms way more high maintenance than dudegasms - like hours of screwing, mixed with a romantic dinner, a foot rub, a week of pampering and maybe the glint of a magic rainbow to get off. However the truth is women just need their clits rubbed, and men just need their dicks rubbed, so not such a big deal really.

Which brings me to another funny thing - that what she said is even a thing that was said in the first place. What I mean is that men don't go around saying things like,"I like to / expect to have an orgasm every time I have sex." Why? Because they don't need to. It's not a thing because an orgasm as part of their sexual encounter is the male default. I mean why are you fucking if not to get your rocks off? Otherwise, you might as well just cuddle, am I right? And at this moment, if you are about to say that maybe women have it right and there should be more to sex than getting off, and that we shouldn't be so orgasm focused, and that we should not put pressure on women to orgasm every time they have sex because women are just different (maybe better than) men...then let me just say, yes, obviously one's orgasm should not be the end all be all of sexual encounters. However, I'd also like to say that I see those types of statements, as well meaning as they certainly are, as ways to smooth over the fact that a variety of cultural factors create an environment where men and women do not have equal opportunity for orgasm during sexual encounters, and that this situation is absolutely and completely unacceptable. Women's bodies are as capable of orgasm as men's are, and when we live in a culture in which both men and women have an equal expectation of orgasm every time they have sex and can freely choose to orgasm or not at every individual sexual adventure, then I will be all for talking about how women (and men) can enjoy sex without orgasm. However, until that happens, we need to focus on acknowledging that women are not yet equals when it comes to orgasm and that this needs to change. We need to live in a world where what Nicki Minaj said would never need to be said.

The final funny thing is that people were shocked with what she said. I already went into the fact that it shouldn't need to be said at all, but I also think it's useful to take a step back and just consider that a woman saying she wants to orgasm when she has sex is like shocking and shit. Let me break this down.

• The first sign of arousal is when blood starts pooling down there. That starts making lubrication seep through the vaginal walls. That lubes makes it so stuff can actually get in the vagina, and so it doesn't burn and hurt like a mother fucker when the stuff does go in there. 
• As a female gets more aroused the uterus adjusts a bit and the vaginal canal kinda elongates so that a dick can push up in there and not fuck her whole day up by hitting the cervix and such. Seriously, if a lady is not aroused enough for her vagina to accommodate what is fucking it, it HURTS. 
• So in order for the most normal, acceptable type of lady-dude sexual interaction (still Penis and Vagina Sex, unfortunately) to be not painful and burning - which is like the ABSOLUTE LEAST that should be happening for a woman during sex - she needs to be pretty aroused. 
• Being aroused means she's lubed and elongated as described above which means that blood pools down in her genitals (as much if not more than the amount of blood that pools in men when they're hard as hell), and her pelvic muscled get all tense (the same thing that happens to men). 
• Okay so all that is happening, but, somehow, it's just simply too much for a lady to ask for a little relief. A little reach around is just, ya know, ridiculous. Of course, we put men in the same position, and we'd so hate to leave him with blue balls, but that blue-ball situation is EXACTLY the same physical things happening to a women when she gets aroused enough to have no-pain sex, but doesn't orgasm. 
• And, just in case I haven't been clear in this blog so far, let me be clear. Women can orgasm as quickly, easily and reliably as men (HERE and HERE for more info on that). Our bodies aren't naturally more orgasmically fickle than men's. We don't naturally need extra things in order to orgasm...you know like magic, flowers, lightning bolts made of true love, and other such things. We ladies need all the same things men need. We just live in a world that makes those things extra hard to get - in so many ways and starting from when we are very young. 

So, just take a minute to consider how f'd up our sexual culture is that we have no problems expecting a woman to get sexually aroused in order for a man to get off inside her vagina, but asking for relief of that arousal is shocking or high maintenance or bitchy somehow.

Connie Trent over at V.Point wrote a good article on this (Thanks for sending it my way Barnaby), and that's where I first learned about this whole thing, so check that one out too. She is on point for Orgasm Equality, so go Connie. Also go Nicki Minaj - you are an orgasm equality revolutionary too!

How to Tell Him You're Faking Orgasms...Or Things That Are More Complicated Than We Let On

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I was Googling around about orgasm faking, and found How To Tell Him You've Been Faking It on the Cosmopolitan website.  

So this is an old article from Cosmo. It talks about November 4th being Cosmo's International Don't Fake It Day. I think this post was from 2013, but I'm not sure. Anyway, point is - I am not writing this on Cosmo's International Don't Fake It Day, I'm actually writing it on Cinco de Mayo - so Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Back to not faking it. I can get behind a not faking it day. Part of an Orgasm Equality Movement would be for women to "come out of the closet" about our orgasmic/non-orgasmic experiences - for women to be honest to ourselves, our partners, and in the media. 

I actually think the article is fine. It starts talking about an Indiana University Kinsey Institute study where 89% of the men said their lady had an orgasm last time they had sex, but only 64% of the women said they did. The conclusion was that there is a definite gap between what is actually happening with the ladygasms and what men think is happening. I don't know much about the actual study, but I think it's pretty much established that women do, in fact, say or insinuate they orgasm sometimes when we don't, so I'm cool with that conclusion. 

The sexpert for the article is IU's own Debby Herbenick. She's there to advice how to come clean without hurting his feelings, and she has some good advice. Emphasize your role in it so as not to be so blame-y blamey. Reassure him that it wasn't all bad and that you've enjoyed stuff without orgasms also. Be specific about what you want to get you there, and my favorite piece of advice - talk about using a vibrator during sex (vibe that clit, ya'll!). It's good advice, and even though there is a kernel in me that feels like, "fuck a dude's feelings. He's not the one who's been having sex with no orgasms for months/years/decades." I also know that we often love these dudes, and they love us. They (if they're not assholes) want the best for us,and it probably hurts them to know that something so lovely for them has been such a source of stress for us. It's hard to find out your partner has not been completely honest. More than that though, they have probably just been doing the best they can with the information they've been able to get, just like we ladies have been doing, and it's just terrible information. These dudes aren't to blame, we ladies aren't to blame, but at the same time we're all to blame, and we all have to get our shit together to solve it. So, it's delicate and complicated, and the advice here is fine.

However, I just want to point out how complicated and tricky this whole faking situation is for women. It's not like we just outright one day declare to ourselves that we're going to fake it, and then boldly and brashly do so. It's not usually like that. It just happens - maybe because we didn't know what to do that first time when we expected one and there was clearly no way it was gonna happen. Maybe it was because we just made sounds we thought we should make, and they got misconstrued. Maybe we had no idea what an orgasm was until we masturbated on our own 3 years later. Maybe we kinda thought we were orgasming - like a different kind of intercourse orgasm thing. Who knows, but it's just plain not simple. We can fool ourselves. We may come clean, but we also may have no idea what to tell them to do to make us actually orgasm. We may be really confused because what we need doesn't look like anything we've seen in porn or romance novels. There is more self-doubt, and ignorance, and confusion that we'd like to admit. 

Herbenick approached this when she pointed out from her research 

that women are much more likely than men to indicate that they’re “not sure” if they had an orgasm during their most recent sexual experience. Men almost always know because there’s physical evidence, but women (especially younger women) routinely express confusion and ambiguity."

She goes on to say 

If this sounds like you, Herbenick recommends telling your guy: “I was reading in Cosmo that women don’t always know when they have orgasms, and it got me thinking. What we do feels incredible, but I think that if we try something a little different, I might be able to experience something more intense. I’d love to try that with you.” This way he won’t think that everything he’s been doing is wrong... and he might be intrigued by the potential to bring you even greater pleasure. 

Again, not bad advice, but I think we could look deeper into this issue. Why are women so much more confused about whether they have had an orgasm or not? Is it really just that there's not ejaculate that visibly signifies it? I mean, I'd venture to say that the feeling of an orgasm  may not always be what you'd call mind-blowing, but it's not like it's always super hard to tell that it occurred. Maybe, just maybe, this confusion Hebernick is seeing in her research also comes from the disjuncture between our culture/media/sexed/etc. convincing us (and our partners) throughout our whole lives that intercourse should make us orgasm and our actual experience where we don't have an orgasm when we have intercourse in real life. 

 It is confusing when you think something should happen but it doesn't. It's like that test when people are asked to taste a fruit flavoring and the expected color doesn't match the taste. People get confused and actually convince themselves that they are tasting the wrong flavor. 

Anyway, I'm all about coming clean with faking, but there is a bigger conversation here. This shouldn't be discussed as a simple personal choice/personal problem issue. This is a systemic, complicated problem, and we need to start digging deeper or nothing is going to change.