The Best Scandanavian Female Orgasm Book You Never Knew About - I Accuse! by Mette Ejlersen

Mette Ejlersen. I Accuse! Tandem, 1970.

Listen. This book, people. It's ON POINT. So, that badass SSL friend that is always sending me amazing tips, sent me a link to a book called "I Accuse!" by Mette Ejlersen. It's Scandinavian, first published in 1969. I read the description and was instantly intrigued. I was actually starting a road trip vacation at that moment, but I NEEDED it, so I ordered it, and 2 weeks later found it waiting for me at home. I finished it in 2 days. 

I'm often reading descriptions of books, getting excited, and then realizing upon reading that it's really just like everything else out there with all the terrible misconceptions about lady-gasms that, well, do something between pissing me off and making me sad. This, my friends, was not the case here. It's soooo rare to find something that is bold and poignant and doesn't throw out unverified claims about how the inner parts of the vagina cause orgasm too, but when I do find one, it's usually from the 60's or 70's - so I have a special love for the oft-described radical feminists that write them. 

I have been looking into this lady-gasm shit since about 2002, and I've never heard of this book. It's crazy to me. In fact you can't really even find the book unless you Google both the title and the author, and even then it's not many entries and not a lot of copies available. The book says it's a Scandinavian Best Seller, and the one I have is the 1970 reprint. It also seems like it was also called Sexual Liberation, but that title is even harder to find. Anyway, much like The Hite Report which is also a banger that everyone should read (although created in the US 7 years after this one), this book seems to have kinda dropped into relative obscurity...which makes sense because as a culture, we've pretty much disregarded, minimized and/or glossed over all the truths and wisdom these radicals were slinging at us in these books, but I'll get into that later.

To give you a quick overview, I Accuse! starts from the 'widespread superstition' that women orgasm from simply getting fucked (that's a maybe more crude and simple way to say it, but that's about it), our badass author Ejlersen calls BULLSHIT on that. She speaks about how so many women don't get what they thought they would get from sex -aka intercourse- (an orgasm or even much pleasure) and don't know what to do it about it. Some just pretend that they are getting it. Some fret and seek professional help. Some understand that they aren't getting the (clitoral glans area) stimulation they need, but don't know how to speak about it to their partners or have tried to and it doesn't work. Some are lucky enough to work together with their partners and incorporate the clitoral stimulation they need into their partnered sex lives.  And pretty much everyone feels like some kind of freak about it. Mothers don't talk to their daughters about it, and so each girl and woman has to navigate this striking difference between orgasm expectation and orgasm reality pretty much all on their own. 

This book aims to let women know they are not alone or weird or different really at all from the other women around them. It also has the beautiful intention of speaking these truths out loud so that both men and women alike can finally understand that ladies need clitoral glans area stimulation to come (at least as much as dudes need penile stimulation) and  intercourse is not a realistic road to female orgasm. It further hopes this knowledge can stimulate people to adjust partnered sexual activity accordingly so that everyone can get a chance at orgasm. 


The Naivety of Lady-gasm Activists
It's a nice hope. Shere Hite also had that hope when she wrote The Hite Report in 1976 (and clearly was disappointed in what change had happened by 2011) I also had that hope when I made Science, Sex, and the Ladies in 2014. What I know now is that we were all naïve. The idea that if people simply knew the reality of this situation then the world and the people in it would adjust accordingly, simply hasn't come to fruition. The myth of the vaginal orgasm, the idea that intercourse should be as orgasmic for the vagina-haver as it is for the penis-haver is unfortunately so deeply engrained that even when we know it's not true, we still don't really believe or act as if  it's not true. As much as I wish we were and as much hope as I still have for the future, we're just not there yet.

Also, I think in these 60's and 70's writings, there was an additional naivety because it was all new. There was new scientific evidence from Masters and Johnson that negated the vaginal orgasm and confirmed the clitoral glans as the organ of female sexual orgasm (in the way the penis is the organ of male orgasm). Women themselves were speaking up clearly and boldly about the lack of clitoral glans area stimulations (and thus orgasm) in their sex lives. I mean it was exciting, and why wouldn't both men and women use this opportunity of permission and knowledge to change their perspective about what a sexual interaction should be, to assure everyone having sex was also getting the physical stimulation they needed? Well, I don' know why we wouldn't adjust (I mean I definitely have a lot of theories), but by and large we didn't. You'd think in the 2000's when I was making this movie and starting this blog, I would have been less naïve, given that I saw how little had changed since these radical feminists and their wild idea hit the world 50 years ago. I mean making the argument that sex should not be equated with intercourse and that 'foreplay' should be considered the whole meal and not just an appetizer, is not necessarily uncommon to hear today, but it's a progressive stance, and it still needs to be said because by and large it's not the way of things. And, there doesn't seem to be less women and girls today desperately searching for advice about ways to orgasm during intercourse - and worried they're lesser if they can't...so yeah we're basically still treadmilling on the same big issues now that these radicals spoke on 50 years ago. Even with that, though, I was naïve -  wide-eyed and hopeful. 

What none of us really considered was how much people desperately want to believe that banging a penis into a vagina not only is great for dude orgasms, but also will make the person attached to the vagina come too. Easy peasy. We also, I think, underestimated how much we women are a part of keeping the vaginal orgasm lies alive - and for a variety of fairly sensible and understandably human reasons. I mean, first, still to this day information about what a female orgasm is remains intensely (and unnecessarily) contradictory and confusing. In a sexual culture not set up for the ladies, to just happen upon an orgasm during partnered sex is very unlikely, and with all the wild misinformation around regarding what an orgasm is for women, identifying when you orgasm can be strangely difficult and can easily lead to believing orgasms are happening at times when they actually are not but are 'supposed' to be happening. There's also like 100 reasons to straight up fake it - from getting things over with to making the partner feel good to wanting to seem normal or desirable or sexy. 

There's just a lot more to unpack on this issue that's deep under the surface. What my older self realizes now is that just speaking sense and facts isn't going to change it. In fact, there's a lot of junk info that's piled up the last 50 years on top of the already problematic junk info that existed when this book was written. That all must be counteracted before sense and facts (and info like in I Accuse!) even get a fair chance to be taken seriously at all.

Sexpert books Then vs. Sexperts books Now
In this book Ejlerson talks to a variety of people; mothers, teens, prostitutes, a few married couples, Medical doctors and a variety of women to get their take on the topic of lady-gasm. It's actually a lot like many lady-gasm related books of today in that it's an author going around asking people and reporting on their opinions and experiences. All in all, I don't have a ton of love for that style, because asking regulars ol' people about shit neither they nor experts really have a handle on and taking a person's interpretation of their personal experience as truth just leads to more misinformation. However, it works better in the 70's than now - just because of the newness of the topic. 

Back in the late 60's and 70's there was scientific data showing for really the first time that the clitoral glans area is as important to female orgasm as the penis is to male orgasm. It also showed there is really no evidence that the vaginal canal can be stimulated to orgasm. To counteract that, there was already also a lot of pretty sexist and looney opinions about female orgasm and specifically 'vaginal orgasm' that are silly and outdated to the contemporary eye (Freud and the immature clitoral orgasm is but one). So although these reporter authors of the 60's and 70's got some ridiculous answers from the experts and a few women that answered, those answers probably feel to the modern reader as ridiculous as they actually are. That's not quite the same in contemporary discussions.

The current scientific evidence still indicates the same thing about clits and vaginal orgasms that it did in the 70's - basically. There has since been some important research about female ejaculation, but that is not orgasm. In both males and females ejaculation and orgasm are different physiological events that can sometimes happen at the same time.  However, one couldn't be blamed for assuming we've learned all sorts of stuff about lady-gasms. Since about 1980 there's been "scientific evidence" that either the G-spot (now actually kind of out of vogue among sexperts as an orgasm button but not as it relates to ejaculation) or the 'inner clit' or the cervix are able to give women orgasms through the stimulation of the vaginal canal during intercourse. I put "scientific evidence" in quotes, because there is NOT scientific evidence, there are only studies that are related but do not in fact make those conclusions. None the less these are used in both "science" reporting and in popular media as if they do, and these ideas are so pervasive, they have become canon of contemporary, educated, progressive sexual educators and advisors. It is deeply ingrained in the culture of sex. 

So, today when these reporter authors talk to experts and some women, there is certainly an acknowledgement that the clit is important (That's progress. Thank you for that, feminists of the 2nd wave!), but it is almost always counteracted by making sure we know there is oh so much more to the female orgasm and often reference or allude to the "many different types of orgasms" women can have as if there's decided science behind it that can give you actual information about what these different orgasms are, how they can be stimulated, and how they physiologically occur. There is absolutely none of that information, but it seems like there is because at this point in history, their non-scientific assertions that they pass off as scientific don't feel as ridiculous as they did in the 70's. 

For instance in I Accuse! a medical doctor tells us there are 3 orgasms: clitoral, vaginal and Uterine. They go up in intensity and difficulty. Of the Uterine orgasm he says, "Consciously or subconsciously the woman is seldom herself for many minutes afterward. A man can never reach the same height in a climax as this type of woman, because the woman's wish for a child is always far deeper than a man's. A man never achieves an orgasm too overwhelming to prevent him smoking a cigarette immediately after intercourse. This, these women cannot do. They are miles away - lost for a long time." That feels like a crazy town thing to say. 

However, today, 'experts' regularly say things that are as, if not more, bonkers, but somehow get away with it and are still touted as progressive feminists sexperts. I think maybe this ability to pass goes back to a few things. Unlike the 70's experts, contemporary experts saying bonkers things are often women. They are also usually credentialed in some type of science or sexology (which doesn't make them correct, just aligned with the sadly erroneous norms of contemporary 'knowledge' on ladygasm), and maybe most importantly they tend to be liberal and progressive. They don't seem like the sexist arrogant white male up there talking about women blacking out from 'uterine' orgasms because they are baby-crazy. These contemporary 'experts' are well intentioned in every other way, just really incorrect about the science that exists on the physical realities of lady-gasms without realizing they are incorrect. Look at this quote from Emily Nagoski's very popular and progressive tending 2015 book, Come As You Are (I write about this book HERE. Although I have strong criticism regarding her assertions about orgasm, the book does have a lot of worthy, important elements):  
Here's a small sample of the highly pleasurable orgasms women have described to me: orgasm from clitoral stimulation, orgasm from vaginal stimulation, orgasm just from breast stimulation, orgasm from having her toes sucked, orgasm when her partner penetrated her well lubricated anus with a finger while pinning her to the bed with her hair (the most erotic sensation, she specified, was his warm palm resting gently on her butt cheeks), orgasm when her partner slowly and gently stroked fingertips on her outer labia again and again and again (she said what started out as an appetizer turned into the main course), orgasm without any genital stimulation while she was giving her partner oral sex (she was so closely attuned to his arousal that when he came, she did too).

She came from stimulating his dick with her mouth??? His orgasm made her come? Are we not going to have any skepticism about that?? Doesn't seem off or problematic or fucked-up or anything??  We're just gonna let that sit with no comment?? Really??? Granted, this is a woman 'expert' relaying a woman's experience as a source of knowledge about female orgasm rather than a man talking about the female experience, so it feels less gross, I guess...but does that make it any less bonkers or any more true and worthy of being in print? The blowjob-gasm is looney, yes, but to go a little deeper, the vaginal stimulation one is too. There is still no physical evidence in all of scientific literature (I'm taking that stand, prove me wrong. please.) that stimulation inside the vagina with no additional outer vulva stimulation has caused an orgasm (again ejaculation is another thing entirely and if the author was referring to ejaculation, not orgasm, she should be clear about that because they are different physiological events). For real.  Yet, in that book it seems like there are women that can just come from getting their vaginal canal stimulated (a good bang, perhaps?). There is no sense anywhere in that book that this would be an incredibly rare situation if it is possible at all. It just stands as a possible way women could orgasm. That matches the larger public perception around vaginal stimulation, but it doesn't match the science that exists. Granted, I Accuse! is no pillar of scientific integrity. It's more journalism than science, but its assertions about lady-gasm match the science that exists today WAY more than books like Come As You Are that are also more journalism than science, but tout how scientifically minded they are.  

Another point about the bonkers quotes from experts (an interviewed medical doctor in I Accuse and the PhD wielding author in Come as You Are) in these 2 different books is that in I Accuse! the doctor's bonkers quote was there along with a variety of other doctors' take on the matter as a way, I believe, to show where the medical establishment was on the topic. I don't know if it sounded as bonkers then as it does to us now, but the book in general does not condone it, and actively works against that kind of mystical, incorrect thinking. Come As You Are (and so many other books like it - it's truly not unique in that sentiment by any means), however, is not only condoning that insanity, but actively pushing it as the accurate, scientifically backed, progressive reality of lady-gasms. 

And this is why I really love reading these books from the late 60's and 70's. They were the first (and really only) to strongly call bullshit on the vag-gasm agenda. There's a purity and excitement to it. A real sense of revolution on the horizon. More contemporary works, in a way, can't exist like that. Too much has happened; too much pushback against these radical feminist ideas; too much desperate research to prove women can orgasm from a good banging has been published. They're shit science that proves nothing of the sort, but damn if they didn't have great PR and a receptive audience. Sexperts today have to exist in a world where this shit science is taken seriously and fed to them in whatever sexpert training they may have gotten. It's mainstream. It's as if today, the message that vaginal orgasm doesn't or probably doesn't exist, is merely some old and incorrect radical feminist-agenda from the 60's and 70's and cannot be returned to seriously because it was proven wrong - even though it has not in fact been proven wrong at all, and in fact the 40 plus years since have actually just reinforced how correct this 'radical feminist agenda' was because nothing in those subsequent years has given any recorded scientific information that a vaginally stimulated orgasm has ever occurred. But to know that, one would need to dig deeper in the primary scientific literature. It's all there, but the way it's summarized and perceived and taught is clearly skewed in a significant way. Sexperts often speak as if they are informed about lady-gasm research, but if I may be so bold, they clearly are not because too often and too seriously, studies that do not prove or indicate vaginal (or a variety of other kinds of) orgasms are incorrectly touted as concluding that they do. 

All that to say, we've had 40 years of progressive, liberal, well-intentions, often educated and credentialed sexperts, many of whom are women, reinforcing the idea that science has shown us that -very basically and crudely - *whatever you do to a lady, eh, could probably make her orgasm, you know - if she's into it* So as a whole are we women and our partners really any more informed, grounded, or supported in our sexual endeavors than we were in the Freud vag-gasm times...oooorrrr do we just have a new set of confusing shit, different day?

I recommend this book...if you take it as it is and don't act like it's left behind by new science

All that ranting to say that I really, really want to scream from the rooftops that everyone should read this book, but I also know that it won't be understood as it should be. It will be seen as a relic of another time when we didn't know as much as we know today. People will read it and say something like, "it was a really empowering book back in the 60's when women were just learning about the female orgasm. The radical feminists of the time were (rightly so) pushing the pendulum away from Freud and his obsession with vaginal orgasms and towards the Clitoris. Of course we now can see that this push towards the clitoris and away from intercourse was a bit too far, as science has now shown us that there are so many more aspects to the female orgasm than that tiny button - including the inner clitoral legs that we now know are likely responsible for what used to be called 'vaginal orgasms.'" 

I mean on first read that seems like a sensible assessment. It's been 50 years. We should certainly know more about lady-gasms shouldn't we?  

Well, sorry to break it to you, but we don't really. They had it largely correct back then.  What about the Gspot? the inner clitoris? Those are all new discoveries in ladygasm science, right? Wrong. There, of course, has been new info since the 60's that refined, adjusted, and expanded knowledge about both male and female orgasm (female ejaculation, male orgasm sans ejaculation, male multiple orgasm for instance), but largely subsequent scientific inquiry work has strengthened the basic physical knowledge of orgasms that the studies of that time revealed. And since that time, contrary to what we all tend to hear, there have been no studies that significantly indicate lady-gasms and how to get them are any different than this old-ass book describes. Not inner clit (I have a whole post about that shit HERE) not the G-spot, not nothing. 

This 1969 book, if you look at the scientific research from then until this very day, is still basically as accurate as it was then. In fact please don't read about female orgasm from most contemporary 'experts' because they will reinforce incorrect ideas from incorrectly interpreted and/or wrongly summarized scientific studies that give people the sense that women can orgasm in ways that are unrealistic and rare at best. They will, unknowingly and with the best of intentions, carry on the oldest of traditions in which sexperts gloss over (if not outright ignore) the very simple and obvious but inconvenient truth of how women orgasm and give crazy advice that continues the confusion, misunderstandings, pretenses and shame that dominate our cultural and personal understanding of female orgasm. You are at risk of getting Freuded like our ladies of old, but with a sweet bow on top like it's something new and useful.

So, although I'd love to recommend this book as a revolutionary mind-opener for the world, I know it won't be helpful because it won't be taken seriously and won't erase all the current bullshit being said about lady-gasms because that current bullshit feels like it's not bullshit but instead 'new knowledge,' and that's sad to me. It's also maybe poignantly descriptive of the biggest hurdle of orgasm equality activism, but I digress.


As if this post isn't long enough, I still want to give a few highlights from the book, so here they are  below. And just to be clear, even after that whole rant, I do still recommend this book. It's a great read and it says important shit. Just know you should take it seriously. 

The ABZ of Love -Vonnegut's fave

There was a marriage/sex advice book heavily touched on in I Accuse!. It was called The ABZ of Love, a 1961 book authored by Danish couple Inge and Stan Hegeler. The author brings this book up early because one reason she decided to write I Accuse! was that a friend confided in her that she did not know how to talk to her own teenage daughter about the sex situation - meaning that the mother wanted to tell her daughter that intercourse wouldn't do much for her and that she needed to include her clitoris in the act and all that. It was simply too personal a thing to discuss even though other elements like birth control were easier and more widely discussed in the public. The author decided to write what would become I Accuse! and began looking through the current resources. The only book she found that gave the kind of sensible (not intercourse orgasm obsessed) advice she was looking for was The ABZ of Love

Interestingly, around 2012 a new book of letters from Kurt Vonnegut was released and in it, he tells his wife about this book. He calls it 'really lovely' and tells her she can find it on his bookshelf if she is as interested in sex as she says she is. So although it's not an easy book to find, it comes up on the internet quite a bit as Kurt Vonnegut's favorite sex book. Anyway, this author couple writes a lovely approving letter at the back of   Accuse! Although in it they do add in some of their own spins and advise, including a questionable bit saying one should not tell a man straight up about having lied about orgasms for years. Instead, given men's vanity in the bed, the Hegeler's say, 

The only way out of this particular pretense is to pretend that it has become more difficult to be satisfied: to hint that trying something different - something new, unusual and more imaginative surely isn't to be sneered at - and then just hope that the bungler will understand the hints. p137

That's probably just a recipe for a dude to lament his lady's loss of the easy vag-gasms and push all kinds of cure's and professional help on her to 'get it back,' but you know times were different, I guess.  Otherwise, the Hegeler's letter is pretty forward and thoughtful. At the beginning of  I Accuse!, the author, quite excited that she has found allies in this couple and a book that might be given to her friend's teenage daughters, quotes the Hegeler's from  The ABZ of Love in an incredibly forward statement (this book seems to have been published in 1963 - 3 years before Master and Johnson's Human Sexual Response was published. Although papers by M&J's research had been published).

"Every woman's orgasm is a clitoral orgasm, usually direct and less frequently indirect. It is very important to realise this, if one is to understand the true nature of an orgasm. An orgasm is felt over practically the whole body; in the muscles of the vagina, which contracts during orgasm. An orgasm does not originate inside the vagina, nor thumps against the mouth of the womb, as many believe. It is the lustful excitation of the clitoris, either directly or indirectly, that culminates in an orgasm.

It has long been superstition, a misunderstanding , that a vaginal orgasm is finer and nobler than a clitoral orgasm. But the vaginal orgasm does not exist. What is believed to be a vaginal orgasm is in effect an indirect stimulation of the muscle fibers and nerve-endings at the entrance to the vagina. This and other forms of indirect clitoral orgasms are quite rare, whereas direct excitation of the clitoris is comparatively common"

A Top Notch Dis Session

Another book they delve into is a book called The Marriage Art by John E. Eichenlaub M.D. published first in 1961. I googled it and found it on a delightful blog called Hersteria - where Miss K. LaMoine finds and briefly discusses somewhat insane sexual, marriage, femininity training type books from the 1880's to the 1960's. She says of this book, "Even though it’s one of the more recently published books in my collection, Dr. Eichenlaub’s advice is often more archaic and misogynist towards women than my books from the 1920s and ’30s." 

Ejlersen and a 29 year old woman read The Art of Marriage, and take a chapter to dis on it in I Accuse!, which I love and it's frankly well deserved. Their fuck you to this guy is definitely worth a read.

An Actual Equitable Sexual Relationship

There's a great transcript of a woman and her husband that met with the author to be recorded talking about their journey with her orgasm. Basically, she had kinda accidently gotten a hand on her clit from a former lover, realized, 'oh shit - that's what this is all about.' Then when this current couple had their first few sex sessions and it, well, sucked for her, she finally decided to tell him what's up - thinking he'd probably break up with her. Well, he was into it, and now they are both real clear that intercourse ain't the way for it, and they work together to, ya know, do something wildly radical like stimulate the clit as much as the penis so all have equal opportunity to orgasm. 

That woman's experience was not a common one.   

Interviews: Drunk Girl-Talk and Straight Prostitutes'-Talk

There's also a lot of intimate, introspective quotes from women answering questions about their sex life as it has to do with orgasm. There is also another great transcript from a woman who sent in a recording she made of her and her drunk middle-aged gal-friends at a celebration. They all realized sex kinda sucked as far as orgasm goes for everyone else too. 

The author also talks about the absurdity of famous books like Fanny Hill and how unfortunate it is that people will read the ridiculous reactions Fanny Hill has to the sex acts and believe that is the way things should/could be. She also interviews a few real-life prostitutes. A snippet from one of the interviews: "'Men!' she says, with a little smile. 'Men are naïve and stupid. The bigger the performance you put on, the more they're convinced it's not acting.'"

Faking To Get Her Married Man: A Story

There's also this story from one of the women she interviewed. I like it because, well, I think it's poignant - about the pressures women have regarding their orgasm, about the reality of navigating relationships and sex, about one of many possible reasons a woman might proclaim she orgasms vaginally and why a man might say he's seen it happen, and about the messiness of all this. This is about 50 years old and might seem old-fashioned, but if you ask me this is as relevant now as it ever has been - even though we'd like to think otherwise. p96-96

Twenty-eight year old civil servant, formerly married to a businessman, now divorced

   I met a married man and we fell in love with each other - wildly in love - with the inevitable result. Not that I didn't fight against it for a long time. I had a terribly guilty conscience because of his wife. So when it eventually happened, he was so eager and in such a state that he had a climax straight away. Afterwards he was in despair and asked me if I'd got something out of it too. He would always blame himself if he hadn't satisfied me especially as it was the first time we'd been together. 

   His happiness was my happiness - his despair my despair. So, I reassured him. I told him that all was well, 'Of course I had been satisfied.' But of course this wasn't true, and I doubt whether any woman could have reached her climax during that half-minute's furious intercourse. But I thought to myself, 'My God, how I love him! It doesn't matter at all. Little by little I'll teach him what it's all about.' 

   Then he said something that made me abandon this idea immediately. He said, almost with gratitude, that he thought it was a miracle that I felt that way. He had known a woman who could only be satisfied if he touched a certain spot. I knew immediately what the spot was, and I also knew that he was talking about his wife, though he didn't say so both for her sake and mine. He went on to say that he sometimes had cramp in his hand because she insisted on having it that way - and that it was wonderful that I was 'normal!'

    I know my reaction will look utterly unscrupulous in black and white, but I think it was what most women would have done if it was a question of holding onto a man they couldn't live without. So, I expressed great surprise that any women should want to have it that way, even though I fully sympathized  with her and, only a few moments earlier, had been thinking of teaching him to do the very same thing. I actually sympathised with him: it must have been terribly strenuous, I said. How had he been able to stand it? And a lot more of the same sort of thing.

   It was disgraceful, I agree. But I felt it had been worthwhile when he said that he couldn't stand her, because I knew then that he would be able to stand her less and less the better I performed my little act. How many women would throw away their strongest weapon in the battle for the man they really want? Not many, I think. But eventually, they will smart as I am now smarting. Because I got him, and now I am trapped in this sexual quagmire I created for myself. So, I cannot emphasize strongly enough that we women have got to look at this business in a wider perspective; only when all men know, and all women frankly admit the truth about their sex lives are we on equal terms, both woman to woman and sex to sex, and only then will we reach the stage where the right to have climax will be the right of both parties.


Lady-gasm Knowledge Gifts for the Young Folk

Hey all. I'm living that Christmas life right now. I actually just got back from a trip with my sister and my nephew. We have a tradition of doing something big for the 17th bday - just me, her and the kid. This is the 3rd of 4. The first 2 were weekend trips to Chicago plus a show (1 was Hamilton and 1 was a K Pop concert - I learned a lot about k pop). However, this one got skipped because it was during Covid. He's older than 17 now. Anyway, we decided on no show and instead spend that on getting to a warmer place. So that's what we did. It wasn't as warm as we wanted and Indianapolis was warmer than expected when we left, so instead of living the Midwest vacation dream of leaving your sad ass friends in the winter to suffer in the cold while you live it up in warmth -wearing only t-shirts outside and other non-winter things, we ended up wearing lots of hoodies and getting really, really cold on top of a double decker bus. However, despite that, it was super fun. We saw David Spade (and others) at a Comedy club, and he was, well, pretty drunk or high, or something. He's a professional so he got through it fine, but dude was in his cups, as my mom would say.

So, now I'm back in the Midwest, working from my sister's. We're taking a group of niblings out for some Christmas at the Zoo tonight, and then Charlie's brother and his family are coming into town. Him and his wife are both military and stationed in Europe, so we don't get to see them that often. We'll be staying with them and I'll be working from an airbnb till close to the end of the year. Then, it's back to the cats and regular living. 

I'm sure you were super interested in my itinerary. You're welcome. I really just wanted to make sure I touched base here on this ol' blog. Let you know I'm still here. I also thought it might be nice to give you a list of things we should all probably get the young folks in our lives. Might be creepy, sure, but it's worth it. One, you get to see the horror on their faces and two, these are important life things that could save them from a lot of confusion, shame, and bad situations and relationships in the future. It'll at least give them a chance. These are focused on female orgasm, but could be useful helpful for all genders.

1 The Hite Report on Female Sexuality - Shere Hite wrote this in the 70's but the experiences and the information in there are as relevant and sensible now as it was then. Worth it, and it's like 1 cent online usually. 

2 My post about the inner clit not being a thing that creates lady-gasms like everyone is trying to say it is these days - I mean, just print it out and give it away to anyone who will read. I haven't found anything else that is speaking on that succinctly or at all really. I am either mostly right and people in the sexpert spotlight just aren't seeing it/talking about it (my assumption) or I'm an insane, persistent, idiot and people aren't talking about it because I'm so far off base it's just not a thing to talk about (I mean I can't rule it out, but I feel confident leaving it for you to decide upon after reading. I hope that's not the case, because, ya know, this is kinda my life's work, but whatevs). 

Anyway, all the hip, even otherwise quite thoughtful and knowledgeable, sexperts right now are saying that the inner part of the clit is now known to be the cause of 'vaginal' orgasms or other 'inner' orgasms. None of that is true on a variety of levels. If you give someone a Shere Hite book, they might be all like, "Cool, that's great and interesting but there is new information about the inner clit and orgasm that I've heard about." There really, for real, is not new information, and thinking there is just reinforces all the incorrect info and bad assumptions that Shere and people like her were fighting against back. I mean strangely it also reinforces the bad outcomes and problems at the heart of what contemporary sexperts are fighting against now - their assertions about the inner clit being a new orgasm spot are not only scientifically baseless, but also counterproductive...they just don't think of it that way.  

Anyway, point is that these days pointing to the great info that's out there already is not enough simply because there's too much accepted-as-truth bullshit out there that counteracts that good info and spins our wheels on this orgasm equality and good-info-about-ladygasms thing. So, print out that post as a very needed supplement

A Vibrator - make it one that doesn't look like a dildo, so they don't get confused and assume the point is to ram it in and out of the vagina like an intercourse bang-fest - because that is not the point and not a sensible way to arrive at ladygasm. It should clearly be something that is to be placed on the outside of the body, so they get the clue that it may go somewhere near the clitoral glans area. This is good for anyone that has a clit or may have intimate relations with a person having a clit. Penises can use it too, so don't make assumptions and just give a vibe to all the people in your life. 

So, I know it's too late for Hanukkah or Christmas gifts, but ya know, there's always birthdays.

Happy Holidays everyone!


Inherent Vice - The SSL Review

Inherent Vice
I'm a fan of this directors movie's, PT Anderson. I'll watch anything he turns out. Punch Drunk Love, There Will be Blood and The Master, are probably my faves, and this one is probably my least fave. I saw Inherent Vice in the theater when it came out in 2014ish, and I wasn't too excited about it (although, I do think Joaquin Phoenix kills it within this role). I actually kept getting it mixed up in my head with a similarly themed movie, The Nice Guys , which came out about a year later. Anyway, we revisited it again a couple nights ago, and it still feels generally the same except that I discovered something bothersome to me in a sex scene that is also, lucky us, SSL Reviewable, and thus here we are. There's actually 2 SSL Reviewable scenes. The first is super simple and the 2nd is the one in question.  

An SSL Review (for those that don't know about them)
Only depiction or discussion of female orgasm and/or female masturbation/cunnilingus and/or the clit are eligible for SSL Review. Nothing else counts, including plain 'ol sex if it doesn't include anything listed above. I specifically critique the realism (for instance, were the physical things happening to that women while she orgasmed things that could realistically cause orgasm for a woman?) and also speak on what the depiction/discussion reflects from and adds to the larger cultural discussion around lady-gasms and female sexuality.

You can see all the SSL movie Reviews HERE (and as always you can find all the SSL TV Reviews HERE).

Pussy Eater's Special - $14.95 - the first SSL Reviewable moment
Joaquin's character Doc, a 70's P.I., steps inside a trailer, home of a clearly sex-friendly massage parlor, "Chick Planet." Jade, the lady behind the counter, offers him up the Pussy-Eater's special for  $14.95. I'm not sure how to take the price. It seems low, right? But also it's maybe one of the more preferred menu items for a lady sex worker - to have her pussy ate out? On the other hand, dudes could be real gross and terrible at it, and it might end up some kind of terrible chafing on the pussy lips situation, and so maybe it's one of the worst menu items. It was also the 70's. I don't know. It just seems terribly inexpensive. 

Anyway, he doesn't partake because he's there for a reason - to ask if she's seen a certain man recently. She kinda avoids the question and calls her co-worker Bambi out, and they immediately drop to the ground behind the counter, seemingly with some pussy eating.  It was a distraction, turns out, and Doc gets got. 

This is SSL Reviewable simply because of cunnilingus. There's no orgasm or anything, just mention and insinuated behind-the-desk pussy eating. I'm always a fan of any mention of it simply because it's a sensibly realistic way a woman could get to orgasm during a sex act. There's also far too much dick sucking (both discussed and physically insinuated) in mainstream media, so just for fairness and equity, any mention of eating out gets a thumbs up from me (the oral sex gap and all). Also, I just kinda liked that the sex menu item offered up in this was one that focuses on the lady's organ of sexual pleasure and not the dude's. For originality sake alone, it's nice to see that in a movie, but also it's good for business - that business being making people think about cunnilingus as an integral, stand-alone sex act as much as people think of dick-sucking as such.

Fuck me like I'm nothing, and other things women love! - the 2nd SSL Reviewable moment
It's funny how I'll watch something that I saw years ago, but see things with completely new eyes. You know, like re-watching the original Ghostbusters and seeing how incredibly rapey it is. I didn't notice that at all the times I'd seen it before. 

This has a scene that didn't strike me when I saw it a mere 8 years ago either. The fact that just before this re-watch I had just finished reading a long Rolling Stone article about the many abuse accusations against Marilyn Manson, probably helped highlight the issue.

My gripe goes a little something like this. Can we stop depicting fictional women that truly get off on being treated like shit during sex? Women who love to be used up in aggressive and fucked up ways by powerful men? Can we stop depicting women that act as if the mere power a man gives off is enough to make her come? 

Outside of all the harmful, abusive tendencies this reinforces in an already abusive-leaning sexual culture of how masculinity manifests in sexual situations, I also call a loud bullshit on the pleasure part of this scenario. It's completely ridiculous to assume a person would physically orgasm from things that do not include the stimulation of their organ of sexual pleasure. However, we do that all the time with women in a way we don't for men. Even progressive contemporary sexperts will say crazy ass shit about women coming from things like bites on the neck, giving blow-jobs, a spank on the ass and other nonsensicalness. Here's the deal. Coming from a spanking on the ass or bite on the nipple is bullshit. And for the love of god, coming from the intensity of a man's powerful presence is bullshit. And contrary to popular belief, coming from intercourse alone (the vagina is not the organ of sexual pleasure - the clit is - and ya ain't stimulating it by banging a penis in the hole), is bullshit. The clitoral glans area people. The clitoral glans area.

Now, if you're mad at me for 'yucking somone else's yum' as the sexperts like to say these days, sorry not sorry. We've had far too much of these getting-off on aggression depictions out there. It ain't like you can't find it if you want it. And if someone wants to depict a submissive sexual kink, then do it more responsibly. We don't need any more of these blanket, powerful-aggessive-men-that-take-what-they-want-get-women-off-best depictions. It irresponsibly reinforces an already problematic understanding of  power in sexual situation. Not to mention it reinforces stupid, unverified, unrealistic ideas about women being able to get off from non-physical or non clitoral means.

Here's the scene I pulled from the script
Mickey... Mickey could have taught all you swinging beach bums a thing or two. He was just so powerful. Sometimes he could almost make you feel invisible. Fast, brutal, not what you'd call a considerate lover, an animal, actually, but Sloane adored that about him, and Luz -- you could tell, we all did. It's so nice to be made to feel invisible that way sometimes... 
Yeah. And guys love to hear this shit like this. 
He'd bring me to lunch in Beverly Hills, one big hand all the way around my bare arm, steering me blind down out of those bright streets into some space where it was dark and cool and you couldn't smell any food, only alcohol -- they'd all be drinking, tables full of them, in a room that could have been any size, and they all knew Mickey, they wanted, some of them, to be Mickey... He might as well have been bringing me in on a leash. He kept me in those micro minidresses, never allowed me to wear anything underneath... just offering me to whoever wanted to stare. Or grab. Or sometimes he'd fix me up with his friends. And I'd have to do whatever they wanted... 
Why are you telling me all this? 

She drapes herself over him and plays with her pussy. 
Oh, I'm sorry, Doc. Do you want me to stop? If my girlfriend had run away to be the bought-and-sold whore of some scumbag developer? I'd just be so angry I don't know what I'd do. Well, no, I'm even lying about that, I know what I'd do. If I had the faithless little bitch over my lap like this 

-- And they're fucking. 
It moves onto another scene after this. I'll fill in a little that isn't obvious from the script. When she drapes herself over Doc, he is sitting in the middle of a couch, and she lays face down across the couch with her butt right on his lap. From the angle, it isn't obvious that she's touching her pussy. I'm not sure that actually happens in the final movie version. Also, in the movie, "--And they're fucking" actually plays out with Doc spanking Shasta's ass really hard. He then aggressively rolls on top of her, and immediately fucks her hard and fast from behind to a quick completion. 

Now, does she orgasm during this? I say the insinuation is there. She doesn't do the moaning vocalizations - which are normally the bullshit-fakey, but nevertheless common way lady-gasms are depicted, but she is clearly finding pleasure in it. Her eyes kinda roll back and there's gentle panting, and I think it's enough to insinuate to your average viewer that she orgasmed simultaneously with him - or at least got what she wanted out of it. Either way, a woman depicted as being pleased at the end of sex might as well be a depiction of orgasm because lady-gasm and general pleasure or satisfaction are so conflated it's hard to even discern what's intended in depictions and discussions of the topic. 

So all that to say, this scene was basically a woman describing, in more than a few ways, the kind of abuse that women in the Marilyn Manson case were alleging as abuse, but in this case, she was describing it as the height of pleasure. I also should add, that even though Doc gives a sarcastic, "Yeah. And guys love to hear this shit like this," as if he's above it, he, in the end proves that they do in fact love it. He basically can't stand the hotness of it anymore and simulates punish-raping her - which she loves. So...lesson learned - wanting to be aggressively sexually used is a great way to turn a guy on and aggressively using a bitch will get her off. Got it.

Taking exactly what you want sexually from a woman, using her for your own pleasure with no interest in hers, is not only powerful and sexy, but it's actually the best way to get a woman off. - That's the big takeaway here, and it's not just a one-off, essential character-building  quirkiness in a work of fiction. It's bigger than that. It's the most basic of assumptions that looms over all of our sexual culture. So, it's not cute or edgy. It's basic and dark. If you start looking, you'll find it all over the place, and continuing to give that message a fun voice is irresponsible.

Vulva Rating
Although I do like the fun addition of pussy-eating as the main menu item at a massage parlor, I did not like the irresponsible sex scene; reinforcing some of the darkest and sadly basic assumptions about what women want and how men should act in a sexual encounter. Also, she 'came' from nothing more than 10 seconds of getting banged from behind, which is unrealistic bullshit because lady-gasms needs clit stimulation and that ain't realistically how to get it

I'm feeling nice because of the $14.95 Pussy eating, so this will get 1 vulva out of 5.


5 Teen-based Movies #DirectedByWomen

Forgive me for my continued lateness on these posts. I'm focusing a lot on my day job, but also, let's be honest, on watching Netflix/Hulu. I'm still slowly working on some things. For instance, the badass Scandinavian book called I Accuse by Mette Ejersen. It's on point like a motha fucka. I'm also still thinking about summarizing Masters and Johnson's research in Human Sexual Response. There's plenty of SSL Reviews of TV, movies and advice articles I have in the queue as well. There's also a discussion of the Female Sexual Function Index (FSFI) - a self-reporting questionnaire commonly used to assess female sexual 'dysfunction' in both studies (including many related to female orgasm) and in actual ladies looking to get professional help. My partner in crime mentioned the FSFI as a good topic, and I agree. She also sent some more articles on the use and critiques of it.

BUT...for now, I just need to put something up so everyone knows I'm still at it, and as you might have noticed, the 5 Movies series is a fairly easy one for me to get up, so here we are. That said, I also really like this series because I LOVE movies and I truly believe in getting a variety of lady voices behind our media.

Okay, so to the movies. These are all movies that involve teens and teen stuff. We all love teen stuff, right?

A Little History of These Lists
I started doing this categorized List of 5 movies thing where I showcase movies that were directed by women and that I have actually seen. It all started during the Directed By Women Worldwide Viewing Party in September 2015, and it was pretty fun, so I've continued doing it from time to time.

It's a bit off-topic from my normal fare, ya know, being that it's not specifically about lady-gasms or anything like that, but I think it fits the blog because
1. this blog is also about indie movie-making, and
2. this blog is partially about getting the female perspective of sexuality into our media. So, to me, supporting female voices in our media  means we're creating more room for female voices to speak on all types of things, which sometimes will be sex, orgasms, and sexuality.

You can find all my 5-movie lists HERE.

So, get ready for relationship drama, best friends, angst, sexual experimentation, risky behavior, and figuring out life. I recommend Oreos dunked in milk, Ding Dongs (which were better when they were wrapped in foil btw), chocolate chip cookie dough, Doritos, and Mozzi's cheese pizza - much like me and my BBF Leslie would have snacked on while movie watching in our younger days during one of our many, many, many sleepovers.  

The Movies

Booksmart This was directed by Olivia Wilde. I went to the movies to see this, and guess what? Worth it. This is a good ass teen buddy comedy - funny, sweet, full of lady-friend stuff, and although I haven't done the SSL Review on it yet, it's got great lady-gasm content (high vulva rating folks!). It's not only a great watch, but it's great for orgasm equality, so check it.

2 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen - This was directed by Sara Sugarman.. I like to watch random teen dramas I find on streaming sights, and this was one I saw recently. It's got a young Lindsay Lohan and is almost 20 years old at this point. If you are looking for PG early 2000's drama - this is the one.

3 It Felt Like Love - This was directed by Eliza Hittman, I'm not sure why I noticed and watched this movie, but I did, a couple years ago streaming, and I'm glad I did. It's a beautiful, poignant movie, and I also loved another of her movies I saw. I'll watch anything she directs. This is the most gritty, realistic, somber teen movie in this list, and although I do very much love me a wacky teen comedy for its own reasons, this one is not to be missed. 

Slut in a Good Way - This was directed by Sophie Lorain. It's a 2018 French Canadian romp about, largely, a teen girl, her friends and her sex and love relationships. I'll be honest, I haven't SSL Reviewed this one yet, but it wouldn't be great - there's some classic unrealistic banged to orgasm situations in it. Overall, though, it's a fun black and white indie vibe of a movie.

5 Dude - This is directed by Olivia Milch. I saw this one as soon as I heard about it online. It's a sleeper, man. It's a funny ass teen stoner movie  - easily up there with any of the best ones, and it doesn't seem like it gets the credit it deserves. Anyway - watch it.


Ramy Seasons 1 and 2 - The SSL REview

Ramy - Season 1 - 2
So this is a Hulu show, and I'm not sure exactly how we heard about it, but it got a lot of good press since its release in 2019, so it could have been anywhere...or Hulu could have just told me to watch it in the way Hulu does such things. Either way, I'm glad we did. I'll be honest. I like it despite the main character. He acts too much like an actual dude I know, and it's a little annoying, but the surrounding cast, I really enjoyed, and there's some really solid storied in the (so far) 2 season series. 

Anyway, it follows Ramy, a 20-something and his family and friends living their lives in New Jersey (and maybe also in New York sometimes too?). Ramy is a first Generation Egyptian American. He lives with his mom, dad, and adult sister, and he's on a bit of a journey to understand what being a 'proper' Muslim means in his life. 

Anyway, I think it's well worth a watch, AND in the 1st season (there were none in the 2nd season), there were SSL Reviewable moments involving Ramy's mother, sister, and sexual partner. 

An SSL Review (for those that don't know about them)
Only depiction or discussion of female orgasm and/or female masturbation and/or the clit are eligible for SSL Review. Nothing else counts, including plain 'ol sex if it doesn't include anything listed above. I specifically critique the realism (for instance, were the physical things happening to that women while she orgasmed things that could realistically cause orgasm for a woman?) and also speak on what the depiction/discussion reflects from and adds to the larger cultural discussion around lady-gasms and female sexuality.

You can see all the SSL TV Reviews HERE (and as always you can find all the movie SSL Reviews HERE).
S1 Ep1 - Strangle me while I finger myself
Ramy is a Muslim guy, right? As is the case with most religious people, they ain't supposed to be fucking if they ain't married. We see he does indeed do that, though. We see it happen with a non-Muslim woman earlier, but later he's on a proper date with a Muslim woman. They ditch their escort and have a nice time together talking and such. They get back to her car, and she's into a kiss, but Ramy is taken aback a bit and basically says he just wasn't sure if she did that kind of thing, and she's like, 'Kiss?? Yeah, bro.'

So they do, and they are both into it and making out, and she tells him to get into her car. They continue making out, and when she reaches for his, pants, he's like...'whoa - whoa.' She asks if he's alright, and he says he is, so she asks if he has a condom. He tells her, 'yes, but, umm...' and she says, "What? You don't want to have sex?" So he goes, 'like, yeah, but I didn't know if you could - since we weren't married and all.'

So she tells him she didn't know he was that strict, and mentions possibilities for technically getting around the Muslim requirements while still having sex. He tells her he doesn't think they should, like, try to trick god or something, but that they should take it slow. She's like, 'OH! Cool - there's other things we can do.'

And from there, she straddles him as he's sitting in the back seat. They're still making out, and she says she wants him to strangle her while she fingers herself. He's like, "what?" and she reiterates it. He puts his hands on her neck. She has unbuttoned her pants and seems to be moving her right hand down at her crotch. He's clearly weirded out, and she tells him to for-real press harder on her neck. 

She's bucking her hips with her eyes closed and her hand down at her crotch.(we can't see it clearly, but seems like she's rubbing one out). She seems like she's building herself up to an orgasm for sure.  Ramy is clearly freaked out. In a kind of in disgust, but maybe more bewilderment, he keeps looking from her neck then down at her crotch where she's getting herself off, and then back up and repeat until he can't take it anymore.

He just stops and tells her he can't do it. He's not into strangling. She's disappointed and briefly protests, but quickly unstraddles him.

Lady Friend: God, you're so full of shit.
Ramy: What?
Lady Friend:  It's not the choking that's the problem.
Ramy: Look, it's just our first date, and I feel like this is happening...
Lady Friend: (cutting him off) What? You don't hook up on the first date?
He hesitates.
Lady Friend: Yeah, that's what I thought.
Ramy: Look, this is just, like, throwing me for a loop a bit. I didn't think that a girl like you was gonna wanna...
Lady Friend: A girl like me? Look, we had this like really nice night, and you felt weirded out by the idea of kissing me. I get it. You don't want to have sex, but I'm, like, in this little Muslim box in your head. I'm the wife, or the mother of your kids, right? I'm not supposed to come.
Ramy: (thinking for a minute) Okay, I'll choke you.
Lady Friend: (annoyed) God! just get out of my car.

I love this scene for a couple reasons. 

First, (and most obviously, if you read my blog), this shows a woman asking for a partnered sexual activity that would actually result in orgasm for her - which is basically rubbing her vulva/clit area with her fingers at the same time something else she finds erotic is happening to her - in this instance, choking. Point is, she is stimulating her organ of orgasm which is realistic for a depiction of someone trying to come...just as having something stimulating the penis would be realistic for a depiction of a dude pursuing orgasm. 

I love that this woman knew what could get her off and clearly asked for it, particularly because it is all too uncommon for real-life and depicted women to do this. I think this is largely because the things that actually get us ladies off are not generally the meat and potatoes of a hetero-sexual encounter - AKA any type of intercourse. Which, again you know if you read this blog, intercourse is straight trash for getting ladies off because the stimulation is focused in the vaginal canal instead of the external clitoral glans area (seriously, contrary to popular belief and popular depiction, banging sucks for lady-gasms). 

Point is, asking for things other than intercourse can easily feel ridiculous and 'extra.' Previous partners may have gotten weirded out or uninterested with that kind of ask. Or, given our sexual culture, neither partners may even really understand there are other valid options. So, it was cool to see a valid alternative depicted. I do wish her first go-to wouldn't have been intercourse, though (she first asked for a condom). It makes it seem like intercourse was still the first/better choice for her, even though the reality is that it's a much more shit option for her orgasm. That little ask kind of reinforces the idea that intercourse is still top dog, and everyone likes it and enjoys it the best. I'll give it all a pass, though, simply because it is so rare to even see a depiction of a hetero sexual encounter where a woman diddles her own clit/vulva area, so I'll take it where I can get it.

The second reason I love this scene is because it calls to attention a particular element of the Madonna/Whore syndrome (the idea that a woman can either be sexual OR maternal/good) that exists in the world. Obviously, overall that's a bunch of bullshit that sucks, but there is a specific element about what kinds of sex acts count as whore-ish that I felt was touched on here. Granted, intercourse is the big one we think about for causing a good woman to go bad - and that seemed to be at first where Ramy's head was, but then things expanded a little further, and it could be argued that this woman's focused interest in getting off was maybe even worse to Ramy.  

That she had a strong sexual urge that she needed itched and that really had nothing to do with his body - was maybe even more gross and foreign to him than the idea of a good woman wanting to bang. I mean even a wife and mother must have intercourse from time to time...but rubbing her own clit??? The freak out level that Ramy got to as this woman tried to bring herself to orgasm was telling. And, this was actually a fairly puritan sex act as sex acts go in the religious world. I mean, they weren't having intercourse (the big one, as they say), and he wasn't even having to touch her genitals or her, his genitals.  Her statement, "I'm the wife, or the mother of your kids, right? I'm not supposed to come," is poignant. Sure, women can have intercourse, but only with men they should be having it with. Women having purely selfish sexual desires bent on orgasm, though - desires that do not include the act of a man's penis inside her, don't seem to be that cool in any situation and might be the freakiest shit a woman can do. I don't know if that reading was the intent of the writers and actors in this scene, but her use of the word, "come," gave it that hue for me, and I think that is a nasty aspect of the Madonna/Whore syndrome that deserves more air time, so I appreciate it whatever the intent.

S1Ep6 - Showerbation
This is a simple scene of laby-bation-interuptis. Dena, Ramy's sister, was in a situation that was a bit sexy and/or exciting, and in the next scene she's at home taking a shower. She's in one of those sweet ass showers that I sometimes dream of where the water can come from more than 1 shower head at the same time. Anyway, it's a nice shower, in my opinion. So, there's the overhead one, and then there's a removable showerhead that can also be turned on, which she does, and guess what? She moves that shower head down towards her crotch and backs up to lean against the shower wall. She tilts her head back, and although we are only seeing shoulders up, it's clear she's working the clit/vuvla area and it's working her up towards an orgasm. Unfortunately, family knocking on the door and telling her to hurry up makes her stop before any orgasm, but it's still a clear and realistic depiction of a way someone might masturbate to orgasm.

I want to nitpick here a sec and say that the showerhead water pressure she used seemed ridiculously low to me, like really pathetic. I mean it was like, if I had to use that pressure to merely rinse off my body, it would be annoying as shit. Granted, shower heads are not a way I masturbate, so I may not know the finer details of it, but I imagine water pressure is important...unless she rubs the shower head against her vulva so it's getting both the feel of the water coming out and the actual pressure of the head itself???...instead of using the showerhead close to the vulva, but not touching, and letting the water pressure alone do the work??? Who's to know? Either way, though, the mechanics of this are sensible and realistic for the possibility of masturbating to orgasm - because either way there is the clitoral/vulva area simulation which is what a lady needs as much as a dude needs penile stimulations. 

Obviously, I love this scene because it is one more lady-bation scene, and every new one helps to normalize the idea that women masturbate. The more that is normalized, the more women will masturbate, the more likely it will be that a lady had masturbated to orgasm before ever having sexual interactions with another person, and the more likely she will be able to figure out what she needs in order to orgasm with someone else (i.e. that intercourse itself ain't gonna do it, and that her clit needs as much attention as any penis might).

S1 Ep9 - Hot mom and dad couch sex
This is a classic sex scene. Ramy's mom and dad are on the couch. Something gets them hot. They furiously begin kissing. They un-clothe only enough to get the dick in the vag, and she straddles him as he's sitting. The dick goes in immediately it seems, and she is furiously bouncing up and down. Her hands are around the base of his head. They are both panting to a boiling point and then they collapse on each other, out of breath. It was 35 seconds from beginning of the kiss to post-orgasmic collapse. There was no indication that either of them had hands stimulating her clit/vuvla area. There was no vibrator brought out to press against her clit/vuvla area. The bouncing she was doing was straight up and down, and their bodies were not angled or pressed against each other in a way that would indicate continuous (or really any) contact between her clitoral/vuvla area and his body/pelvis - no grinding against him at all. In other words there was no indication that anything other than the inside of her vagina was getting stimulated. However, because of the way both their vocalizations crescendo and then finish at the same time, it seems as through we are to assume they had an incredibly quick, passionate, simultaneous orgasm through intercourse. 

It's such a classic type of scene because it's how so much "passionate" sex is depicted - an incredibly intense, quick move from zero to bouncing on a dick to collapsing on each other in orgasmic bliss. 

It's bullshit. 

At least for the dick-less person. Like I said above, a penis stimulating the inside of a vagina does not an orgasm make...seriously. Contrary to very popular belief, there's not some magical spot in the vagina that causes orgasm when stimulated - at least no orgasm has been recorded from stimulating any of these "spots" in all of scientific literature; not the G-spot, the c-spot, the vaginal walls themselves, the cervix, the inner clitoral legs through the vaginal walls - none of these things people like to talk about as reasons intercourse can cause orgasms are backed up with any real physical proof. As close as it gets is that G-spot stimulations may cause ejaculation/squirting, but that is different than orgasm (in both males and females). Point is, this act described above is a super realistic way for a person with a penis to orgasm (and ejaculate - usually happens simultaneously for males) but absolutely not a realistic way for a person with a clit and vagina to orgasm (or even ejaculate - which is not that common anyway). It's an incredibly common depiction that makes it seem as if what is happening is equally orgasmic for both people, but it is not. It both perpetuates and substantiates the great lie that intercourse is as orgasmic for the ladies as it is for dudes.

We need less of these scenes. The more of them we see, the more we all assume this is the way to have a mutually orgasmic sexual encounter, the more abnormal sex acts that specifically include clitoral/vuvla area stimulation seem, the more ridiculous ladies will feel when they ask for that specific clitoral/vuvla stimulation, the less dudes will know that clitoral stimulations is necessary and not an extra cherry on top, and ultimately the less women will actually orgasm in partnered sexual situations (actually orgasm...not some level of acting out orgasm). 

The Vulva Rating
This is a mixed review. The first scene depicting a woman using manual clitoral area simulation to get herself off with a partner is unusual and refreshing, but the insinuation in the overall scene that it is her 2nd choice after intercourse softens its power. The masturbation scene is on point and a solid addition to the whole of media. The scene depicting Ramy's mom orgasming from intercourse that is realistically very unlikely to actually induce lady-gasm is a negative addition to cultural knowledge of lady-gasms, but it is not an uncommon type of scene or one that is outside the norms of our cultural understanding of lady-gasms (wrong as these understandings may be). 

The truth is when it comes to masturbation or a woman on her own, media depictions of lady-gasm tend to be more realistic, but when a women is in a partnered sex situation, depictions tend to be intercourse focused and incredibly unrealistic. Ramy follows those norms. In many ways, I feel like this overall depiction is the status quo. It doesn't take us back, but it doesn't put us forward either. So, in that way, I am giving it a fairly neutral rating. Ramy Season 1 and 2 gets 3 out of 5 vulvas.



PEN15 S1 Ep3 - The SSL REview

PEN15 - Season 1 Episode 3
My sister came to visit me about a year ago. It was a heavenly experience in which only her and I were alone in a house with no responsibilities for about 4 days. We did, like, whatever the fuck we wanted, and it was the best. One of the things we did was watch all of PEN15. She had been watching it with her oldest daughter, and correctly assumed I would also love it. For those who need to know, PEN15 is just like a way to write penis without actually writing it - something someone, say in middle school in the early 2000's, might write in a chat or something. That's relevant because it's a show about 2 best friend, Anna and Maya starting 7th grade in the early 2000's. The very, very special part of this is that it is 2 grown ass women playing Anna and Maya, but the rest of their 7th grade cast mates are actually middle school age. Which could be a bit problematic considering Anna and Maya are always lusting after some of the young gentlemen in their class, but I actually think that this is done thoughtfully and without sexualizing the boys. Also, somehow, you do kind of forget after a while that May and Anna are, in fact, grown ass women. It just works somehow. 

Anyway, to me, it's a solid comedy. I highly recommend. It is also a really great story of girls and their inner adolescent life...which we really don't have enough of - especially compared to the stories of boys and their inner adolescent life - which honestly, we have quite a bit of from many perspectives and in a variety of cultural backdrops- particularly about their sexuality. I mean, how often have you come across a scene in movies or TV where a very young teen boy is sexually awakened somehow...I don't know, by any number of things - a Sears catalog, seeing a cousin undress, some porn their friends found, a hot teacher, some panties, a vaguely erotic book they found at the library - I don't know, really anything. It's just very common to see a 13ish year old boy, discovering sexuality and masturbations and generally making everything about sex and this growing need in their young life. It's much more rare to see that happen for a young teen girl. I imagine the issue is that this young adolescent sexual awakening time in a person's life is, well, exciting and meaningful and scary and weird and wonderful and it's just a lot. It's the kind of impactful part of our lives writers want to write about and directors want to direct about, and there's a lot of men out there doing the writing and directing. It makes it seem like this intensity of young sexual awakening is heavily in the domain of maleness and masculinity. As if dudes have this part of themselves that lady-types would never understand. 

Well, it's time we ladies put that notion to rest and started sharing the breadth and variety of young sexual awakening stories that we have as well - from a variety of perspectives and a variety of cultural backdrops. Our voices and our experiences deserve the light of day my friends, and this show is a lovely edition. Episode 3 is about masturbations, and I am pleased to SSL Review it.

An SSL Review (for those that don't know about them)
Only depiction or discussion of female orgasm and/or female masturbation and/or the clit are eligible for SSL Review. Nothing else counts, including plain 'ol sex if it doesn't include anything listed above. I specifically critique the realism (for instance, were the physical things happening to that women while she orgasmed things that could realistically cause orgasm for a woman?) and also speak on what the depiction/discussion reflects from and adds to the larger cultural discussion around lady-gasms and female sexuality.

You can see all the SSL TV Reviews HERE (and as always you can find all the movie SSL Reviews HERE).

The First Time and the other times: It's a lot

The Ponies started it all
The show opens with Maya playing something like My Little Pony's on the floor in her bedroom, cross-legged in a shirt and panties before bedtime. The ponies are having a conversation and then they start to kiss. The camera pans up to Maya's face as she looks up with a kind of dull inwardly focused expression. She looks back down as the camera pans with her, and we see that under her undies, her vulva is kind of cartoonishly pulsing. The camera pans back up with her eyes until we are looking at her in a bust shot. We see from her shoulders that both arms have moved down to her vulva area and they are moving around as her face goes quite blank, as if she might just drool out of lack of knowledge about what her face is doing anymore...but also with a touch of concentration. 

The shot then moves to behind her, seeing her whole body. It's obvious both hands are pressing against her vulva rhythmically as she gets a bit faster, and then we see the slight forward movement of her back curling her torso more into itself as if, well, maybe she is coming. The shot switches back to a close-up of her face, and we see her eyes shut for a hot second and an almost inaudible, guttural 'mmmph' comes from her mouth before she kind of 'wakes up' to the outside world again. At that, the camera moves back a bit to more of a bust shot, and we see her pull her hands up into shot where she touches her thumb to the tips of her fingers and sees the clear vaginal lubrication string between. Then she hurriedly wipes it on the carpet and runs into bed when her mom calls from downstairs about brushing her teeth.

She gets immediately back on the horse
Her second time is almost immediately after her first. After she hurriedly jumps into bed, and her mom comes up to kiss her goodnight, she tell her to leave the lights on and when she leaves, Maya turns down the picture of herself and Anna that is sitting next to the bed, pushes her comforter down to her knees and takes both hands and starts rhythmically rubbing her vulva over her panties. It cuts to the opening credits, so no orgasm in that one.

The ear hole and other sexy things
So that was her awakening to masturbation. She is pretty into it, and it also sort of awakens a sexuality in her - in that she is seeing sexuality in things that she never did before. It's comedy, so those things are kinda weird, but also not necessarily that weird. There's reality in a young person high on the realization that they can orgasm whenever they want exists getting turned on by things that would not turn on a person 20 years later. I also think that since this is a show with adult women and teen boys, that they were careful not to choose shots describing Maya's sexual interests that could also be sensibly seen as showing young boys in a sexually enticing way. I approve of that choice, and I also think it makes for better comedy.  Anyway below is a few of the things that Maya focuses on that seem to excite her sexual urges. We know they do because we see Maya look at them with the same dull, inwardly focused look on her face. There is also kinda tribal type music that starts playing as the outer world sounds drown away when her urges start arising, and she also doesn't pay attention to people talking to her and when she answers she kind of mumbles incoherently, like she's an idiot.
  • At school: The ear (like ear hole), back of the neck at the hairline (these are all, like, ultra close-ups), the eyebrow, the bow of someone's glasses, elbows, the ends of some moussed boy-hair, the Gobi Desert in a doc they are watching 
  • At dinner with her family: (also all in close-ups) fried chicken, sweating cherries, cut fruit, some type of calamary, I think.
Trying it in a bathroom stall at school
Maya tells Anna that she needs to poop, and Anna's ready to go in with her (because Maya usually wants Anna to come with) but she asks to be alone because it's gonna be extra stinky - and asks Anna instead to wait outside and make sure no one comes in. So, she's in the stall, a little nervous about getting caught even though no one is in there, and we are seeing her straight on from the waist up sitting on the toilet. She unzips and puts both hands down her pants, moving them like she did in previous scenes. She has the same kind of dull look on her face, and then closes her eyes a bit, saying quietly, "Sex. Sexual. Sex. Vagina. Vagina." You know, the kind of dirty sex talk a 7th grader might be into. It cuts to Anna outside who overhears something, so she comes in and talks to Maya through the stall. We again see Maya rubbing quicker, but Anna ultimately bothers her too much, and Maya quits before she orgasms. 

After school jerk-off marathon
 Maya closes all the blinds, turns off the lights, and goes into her closet, pulls her pants down and yells, "No one come in for an hour, I'm taking a nap!" She again has both hands rubbing on her vulva as she is standing in her closet tongue kissing a poster of some young dude. It's intercut with Anna on her bed singing to a song - it's actually a pretty good total scene. 

Anyway, Maya comes in a very similar way, with the inaudible "mmph" still standing, but with her face pressed against the closet doorframe expressing the same dull, inward look we've seen before. She pulls her pants up.

Then interspersed with scenes of Ana doing things, we see snippets of Maya masturbating in the following ways:
  • On her knees on the bed with a pillow between her legs that she's pressing with her hands in towards her vulva and also humping
  • Sitting on the floor, with her legs straddling a wall mirror so she's watching her vulva. One hand is rubbing her vulva area furiously. At this point her mom is calling her for dinner, so she has to stop and pull on her pants before her mom walks into her room, and before her mom leaves, she says, "What's that smell?" to which Maya says she ate sweet potatoes and farted. 

Dead Grandpa knows what you're doing, Maya
After dinner with her family, Maya's mother tells her somewhat off-handedly that her dead grandpa is watching over them all the time - even when she sleeps, which freaks Maya out, and she starts seeing him when she's masturbating or thinking about it. That night, she's sitting cross-legged on her bed, with footy PJs rubbing her vuvla area with both hands. Suddenly, her dead grandpa appears in front of her. She freaks out, and says, "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I wasn't doing what you think I was doing. I was just scratching."

Maya's like gross boys
There's another scene where we see Maya's guilt. The 3 boys Maya and Anna eat with at lunch are talking about seeing scrambled cable porn and Maya asks if they are talking about, like, masturbation. Anna says, "Yes, Maya, just ignore them, they're pervs." Then the boys say they heard about someone that puts peanut butter on her crotch so their dog will lick it, and Anna is totally grossed out and says she could never do that. Maya feigns being grossed out, but clearly gets the picture that she is gross for what she's doing and Anna would not approve. 

That afternoon, though, Maya lies to Anna saying they can't hang out because she's doing something out, and goes home and masturbates - A. LOT (that the after school masturbation marathon referenced above). Ana finds out, is mad, and eventually Maya tells Anna that it's not about Anna, it's about herself.  She sees dead people - specifically her dead grandpa. So Anna suggests they do Ouija board to see what he wants.

At home on this Ouija board Maya and Anna both place their hands on the planchette, swearing meither is moving it. They call on Maya's Grandpa and he spells out 'clit' and after that, they try again, and he spells out the first part of masturbation before Maya throws the planchette across the room. Soon after Maya's brother comes in, tells them they are idiots because Ouija is just one of them subconsciously moving it and leaves. Maya starts to cry. I

n the next scene Anna and Maya are sitting on the bed and Anna asks her what's wrong to which Maya says she needs to tell Anna her subconscious. They have the following conversation. Keep in mind - Sam is one of the lunch boys talking about masturbation.,

Maya: I'm like Sam, only I'm grosser because I'm a girl, and I'm a pervert, and I really shouldn't be doing what I'm doing. I've been putting my hands down my pants, um, my area down there to feel good. (She's crying as she's sayin it.)
Anna: Um, when I'm in bed, sometimes I put my hands between my legs to feel good. 
Maya: Really?
Anna: Yeah.
They both let out a tiny laugh 
Maya: Wait, you mean like this? 
Maya holds her hand up, palm facing out. Her 3 middle fingers are together and she draws small, gentle circles in the air. 
Anna: Not exactly, um, sort of
Maya: And you don't feel gross?
Anna: How gross can I feel if you do it too? (She says this with a little breath released at the end as if she's both embarrassed and relieved at the same time.)
Maya: Promise I'm not a pervert?
Anna: (whispering) Promise.
Maya: And swear you won't tell anyone?
Anna: Oh my god. I swear. You swear too?
Maya: I swear, yeah.

Then they pinky swear.

They masturbate on
In the next scene, we see Anna laying on her bed on her side hearing her parents fight, and she takes a breath and moves her arms down to press against her vulva area. It then cuts to Maya, who sitting on her bed, opens a National Geographic to pictures of sandy deserts. She traces her fingers across the sandy dunes that, honestly, do look a bit like a vulva. Then she sticks a hand down her pants. She then looks around, probably seeing if her dead grandpa is watching, doesn't see him, but then pulls the covers over top of her just in case. Then, through the credits, she seems to be humping her hand under the covers.

This, my friends, is a top notch episode for lady-gasms
If you read my blog, it's pretty obvious what I love about this episode. 

Normalizing Lady-bation
Firstly, there is the simple element of giving voice to the masturbatory/sexual awakening of the adolescent girl. It's just one perspective of this, but one more than we had before, and that's moving in the right direction. The more depiction in books, movies, and tv of girls masturbating, the more normalized it will become, and the more likely there will be more girls that feel more comfortable trying it...which is a gain for female orgasm.

Because, for the love of all things holy, ya gotta know how to get yourself off before you can have any chance at getting off with another person. I mean this is PARTICULARY true for those with clits and vags. A person with a penis can go into a sexual situation with another person and just do what they've seen in TV/books/porn, and it will be basically the right moves to get off (stick the dick in something, vag, anus, fist, mouth - and move it in and out), so they at least have a good chance. 

When the ladies do what they see, read, hear about (get a hole filled with something that moves in and out of it) they have like zero chance because that ain't what makes an orgasm for the ladies (seriously. it's really not a thing even though everyone thinks it is. Seriously. I can't stress this enough. I made a whole movie and over a decade of blogs on this basic premise that people generally, for some reason, really don't want to recognize). Rubbing the clitoral/vuvla area to orgasm is not what one usually thinks of when they think of 'sex,' even if it is often thought of as how women masturbate. But, that is basically what does in fact cause orgasm for the ladies - at least as much as getting the penis rubbed causes it for dudes. But ladies sure the fuck shouldn't count on that clit simulation just happening in a partnered sex situation the ways dude's can count on penis stimulation happening to them in even the most naïve sexual encounters. 

All that to say, if the ladies want any good chance at all to come with a partner, we need to know how to come by ourselves, and any media that makes that more normal or enticing is doing The Good Work. 

Also, this was realistic masturbation/orgasm depictions. That's important, because if this were something like girls ramming themselves with cucumbers or something to get off (which is an all too common depiction), it would be ridiculous and unrealistic in a variety of ways. 

1 - again, ramming things in holes is not a realistic way the person with the hole gets off - like anatomically and physically it just doesn't make sense and has never been documented in scientific literature (again, seriously). 

2 - on surveys about how they masturbate, ladies almost unanimously stimulate the external clit/vuvla area - with hands, shower heads, vibrators, furniture, bedding, while on their back, on their stomach - whatever. Point is, just as was depicted in this show, masturbation for the ladies is usually some form of getting the clit/vuvla area rubbed, and that is an anatomically, physically realistic way to attain orgasm. So, bravo with that PEN15.

I also want to commend the chill nature of the orgasm depiction. Way too often, lady-gasms are depicted as loud, physically overactive, or like, earth shattering in some way. My guess is that's because people are used to women faking orgasms and over-doing the sounds and the movements. With some exception, men depicted orgasming are much closer to how Maya depicted it - maybe slightly louder, but not all crazy vocalizations like we see from ladies most of the time. That, I believe is simply because we're used to seeing men actually orgasm, and actually orgasming has a strong element of being inward and focused, and it's probably not as insanely amazing as media makes it out to be. 

I mean, I love me an orgasm, even a little wimpy one, but shattering into a thousand pieces and becoming one with the universe, as one might read in a romance novel or something, is not really how most people would describe most orgasms. My point is, I like seeing women having orgasms that seem like actual orgasms and not performances about how orgasmy they are. Particularly with a young gal like Maya just trying and learning about her orgasm, she's probably at a fast-and furious stage which is good, but it's probably not the strongest orgasm she'll ever have. One day, she may build up that physical arousal more slowly, edge a bit, have a good understanding of what she needs to do when to get the timing right, and probably have a stronger orgasm when she so chooses, but she needs to do a lot more jerk-off experimentation before that happens, and even then, ya know, it's just an orgasm, not an existential rainbow bursting out of your junk. So, I like the subtly here. 

Vulva Rating
This gets a full 5 Vulvas. It's depictions are realistic. The actions were sensibly actions that could get a lady off. The vocalizations were not overdone and porny - and actually quite subtle and nice for the 1st orgasm of your life situation. The whole episode normalized lady-bation. It touched on the shame that arises from masturbation, particularly as a girl, and then put it to rest with friends admitting to each other that they both do it. It was also just a funny and sweet addition to the adolescent sexual awakening genre, one that has too few voices from the ladies. 

Well Done Maya and Ana.