Cosmo SSL Review - Jan 2013 #1

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Waiting in line during Christmas shopping, Charlie and I saw the Jan 2013 Cosmopolitan Magazine: With Bonus Big Fat Astrology Guide to Your Love Life in 2013! So we were thumbing through it, and since we were on a kind of money bleeding splurge anyway, we decided to buy it. I say it was a good buy, too. Not only did I find out that I should be careful who I vent my job frustrations to, but it (as Cosmos always do) also has tons of discussions of female orgasm, which are begging to be SSL critiqued.

In all seriousness, Cosmo is something that young women and teenagers love to get their hands on. It is supposed to be for adult professional women, but honestly, it reads like a spicier version of Seventeen, and a lot of young people get their early learnings about orgasm from it. It is influential in this way, and so I think it should be critiqued harshly and often.

So, as I'm reading this Cosmo, I am noting articles that discuss female orgasm and writing SSL Review posts for each of them. This is the first, and it involves the section called "Confessions."  It's just like YM magazine's "Say Anything" column about readers' most embarrassing moments, and although it's more sexy, the things discussed as "embarrassing" are just as juvenile.

Anyway, Christine K. writes in saying that after a few dates with a guy, she invited him over for a night in to watch some movies, which she said "we both knew was code for hooking up." Ol' Christine K. was cleaning up the apartment furiously the day of, and had stuffed all her random knickknancks into her bedside table. Well, the lovebirds were all snuggled in her bed about to start watching a movie, when her man asked where the remote was...and well let me have her tell you the rest.

I remembered I'd thrown it into the drawer of my bedside table with the other clutter when I was cleaning, so I told him to reach in there and get it, since it was on his side. Well, he grabbed what he thought was my remote control...and pulled out my vibrator! I was so embarrassed, I couldn't even get into the mood after that. #SexFail
-Christine K.

 Come on, since when is the uncovering of a vibrator a Sex Fail? That's a Sex Win! Seriously though, this is a grown ass woman who invited a grown ass man over to her home with the shared assumption that the two will engage in sexual acts. Yet, for some reason, the very idea that this grown, clearly sexual woman might own a vibrator is somehow appalling and humiliating. Is it that he might know that she, gasp, masturbates? Is it that seeing a vibrator might let on to her man friend that she is, my lord, interested in sex (even though she already invited him over for what she and he both know is for a sexual encounter)? It just seems exceedingly silly and ridiculous that a woman would be so mortified by a potential lover finding her vibrator; so mortified in fact that she completely lost interest in the sexual encounter. I mean, really, finding a vibrator should get the party started, not ruin the mood. I think this just goes to show how awkward our society still is about women and our endeavors into our own sexual pleasure.

It's unfortunate that a magazine supposedly promoting female sexual confidence would publish a letter about the finding of a vibrator by a potential male sex partner in a section about dirty secrets and embarrassing events. It just lets all the women (and particularly the very young women) reading this know that masturbating or taking your sexual pleasure into your own hands is so strange and mortifying, that it's a #SexFail. I'd call this a #CosmoFail

This article gets 1 vulva. It only misses the 0 vulva rating because it acknowledges that women own vibrators.

(!)

Random Hite Report 3

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It's been a lovely Christmas this 2012, so lovely in fact, that I don't feel like spending much time on writing. That's why I made Charlie type while I read a page from The Hite Report. He is absolutely the better typer, so it was a good and quick choice. And so this, my friends, is the third installment of "Random Hite Report!!" As you know, I love the Hite Report, and frankly, I think everyone needs to read it. I think that reading the thoughts and experiences of these women is useful and important; particularly because even 40 years later they are still so relevant to what's happening in the sexual lives of modern women. Read it - that's all I'm sayin'.

As always, this is one page of the book, flipped to randomly, so it may begin and end abruptly. Enjoy the read.

Pg. 62 The Hite Report Dell. 1976.

mutual activities. Perhaps in the future, we will be able to feel we have the right to enjoy masturbation too - to touch, explore, and enjoy our own bodies in any way we desire, not only when we are alone but also when we are with another person. "The importance of masturbation," as one woman put it, "is really to love and care for yourself totally, as a natural way of relating to your own body. It is a normal activity that would logically be a part of any woman's life."  

"Do you enjoy masturbating?" 

Most women said they enjoyed masturbation physically (after all, it did lead to orgasm), but usually not psychologically.

    Psychologically, they felt lonely, guilty, unwanted, selfish, silly, and generally bad. Other words that were frequently used included "uncomfortable, adrift, uneasy, pathetic, ashamed, empty, cheap, dirty, self-centered, silly, disgusted," and "self-conscious." as one woman said, "Too me, masturbation seems lonely, childish, self-absorbed; everything I'd rather not have as part of my sex experience. I do it sometimes, but I wouldn't brag about it in public." Other women gave similar opinions:   
    "Physically, I enjoy it, especially if I'm not in a hurry. Psychologically, I sometimes enjoy it but often I feel too self conscious or embarrassed or even guilty, to really get into it. I don't masturbate too often, because I'm sort of prejudiced in favor of sex with a partner, and I'm living with a man (my husband) from whom I'm almost never separated and who usually wants to have sex with me as often as I want to with him. But sometimes I just feel like masturbating and sometimes if we fuck and I don't come, I masturbate afterwards, and sometimes we like for him to hold me while I masturbate, but not really all that often. I probably only masturbate about once a month at most."
    "Yes, I enjoy masturbating. Psychologically I'm not sure. Its not so much that I feel I am doing something 'dirty,' but it does tend to reinforce my fears of being

Play by David Banner - The SSL Review

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This is my first time SSL reviewing a song. I've thought about it many times, but for some reason I've just never done it. There are mounds upon mounds of songs out there that I would have to give negative SSL reviews for...I mean men can't get enough of singing about how awesome their own dicks are at getting ladies off. However, I recently heard a non-radio cut of the 2005 song "Play" by David Banner, and I felt compelled to give this dirty ass song a good SSL review...that's right, I said good.

When I used to hear this all the time on the radio back when it first came out, I didn't think much of it because the most awesome part of the song, the word "clit," was edited out (the radio version is changed in a few ways). It just seemed like a song about wanting to get a lady wet (in the vag area - if ya catch my drift). However, I now realize it's a song about encouraging a lady to "play with" or "work" her clit till she comes. That's really all the song talks about. There's no talk about him making her come with his big cock or any of those things we usually hear in a sexy song. It's just about a girl sweating hard, masturbating her clit, and getting all slippery down there, but the most amazing part is simply that it says the word "clit." Of all the insane amount of explicit songs out there about females doing sexual things, only a handful ever say clit, and in songs sung by men, it's even less. You'd think the clit would be pretty prominent since it is the female pleasure organ and should be as much a part of sexy music as the dick clearly is, but it's just not the case. The other fantastic aspect of this song is that the guy singing obviously likes what's going on. It's a hot song, so it gives off the idea that a woman playing with her clit till she comes is hot.

I just thought I should give this song the shout-out it deserves for its accurate discussions of what might cause female orgasm, its use of the word clit, and for sexifying the idea of women working their clits to orgasm during a partnered sex act. This is a rare and progressive song. It's just sad, though, that society couldn't reap the benefits even with all the radio play it got because the word "clit" was censored, thus losing the whole meaning of the song.

Some Pics From Our Final Shoot

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Me and Barnaby's cat on set

So, Science, Sex and the Ladies is, well, like 95% done. It's all edited; the insane amount of compositing is finished; sound effects and credits are all done, and the score is written. We will be recording the score in February and getting a final sound sweetening, but other than that the movie is done. Well, that was until we looked at it again a couple weeks ago, and just could no longer abide by a small part in the early movie. It always bothered us, but suddenly, it just seemed like it dragged the movie down in an unacceptable way. So, we did the only thing we could; we threw together a bad-ass re-shoot in about 10 days. It was merely a 3 minute scene, but it pulled the first part of the movie together better than we even hoped for. The even better part was that we shot this in a real set (created in Barnaby's living room), so didn't have any green screen post work to do.

The scene took place at slumber party in the late 80's, with mom and dad having a frank discussion with the girls about the physiology of a female orgasm. Alicia Walker, Elle Beals, and Emma Weber all played our slumber partiers. I got to be the mom, and Barnaby got to be the Dad. Sarah Murrell was our spectacular (and I really truly mean that) make-up artist. Mr. Jake Fritz boomed for us, and our nephew Drake joined us as much needed additional crew.

This was a fun shoot, not just because of the sweet 80's stylings, but because the people were great. Thanks to all our cast and crew. This is the actual, truly true, final shoot for SSL, and you all made it a great one! Enjoy the pics.

Alicia enjoying a brew and some sweet keyboarding on set (she was allowed to drink because she didn't have a line, was over 21, and is super cool)

Barnaby, looking like the sensitive and knowledgeable father he is. His profession is probably in psychology.

Elle rockin' a rad 'do

The whole cast

Emma, with stale popcorn and awesome crimped hair

Jake Fritz, our boom operator, eating gross prop popcorn and looking good

Charlie and Drake working hard

Borowicz's looking suave

New Girl: Season 2 Episode 9 - The SSL Review

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I was watching the latest episode of the TV show New Girl recently, and as luck would have it, there was a storyline about female orgasm. Of course the word orgasm was never said, being that this was on network television, but this episode is clearly a piece of media that contributes to the cultural understanding of female sexual release. More simply, I'm saying this episode is more than eligible for an SSL review.

A little about New Girl. It's a network sitcom starring Zooey Deschenel, and it took me about 5 or 6 episodes to get into. It wasn't that funny at first, and honestly if I didn't have Netflix and wasn't able to watch all the first episodes in like 2 hours; if I would have had to wait a week between each episode, I would have just stopped after the 1st or 2nd. I didn't though, and I think it's pretty funny now. It's come into its own, and largely because of Schmidt (Max Greenfield), who happens to be the character that my SSL review revolves around.

Some background on Schmidt; he's a dude that values expensive taste in his clothing, decor, food, personal beauty products, etc. He's kind of a shallow ass in that way, but he's also a man that values the emotional side of friendship, thoughtful consideration, good social manners and cleanliness. He's actually pretty awesome in this other way. Schmidt also believes he is a connoisseur of the ladies. The clues in the show thus far have indicated that he is phenomenal in bed. There seems to be nothing that is off limits when it comes to enjoying the pleasures of the flesh. He is open to all things and all knowledge. His endeavors are often made out to be over the top weird, vocal, costume-y, and quite pleasing to the ladies.

In this episode, after a raucous night of sex, with his boss, she tells him that she wasn't even close to "getting there," and he is immediately devastated. I think he actually says his whole world view is broken now.

Luckily, there is a dinner party going on outside his bedroom door which includes a lesbian gynecologist, and Schmidt being Schmidt immediately titles her a "va-genius" and asks her for advice - which she agrees to give if he makes an appointment at her office. He makes the appointment, goes, and in the office the Va-genius pulls out a diagram to help show him what she normally would do to please a lady. The audience sees clearly that this is a picture of the inner female reproductive system, but we no longer see the picture or where they are pointing when they start talking.

Let me reiterate. This picture is all vag, cervix, uterus and fallopian tubes. There are no outer female genitals at all, and the straight on, floating-baby-making-parts style of the pic does not let on that the clitoris or labia even exist. Anyway, Va-genius begins to instruct using the picture, but Schmidt takes over, telling her all the things he likes to do. He goes on a passionate rant that involves all kinds of outrageously vague euphemisms, like "tying a ribbon because it's birthday time." There is no way to know what the hell he means, but what we do know is that the Va-genius is getting all hot and bothered. Pulling herself together, she confirms his belief that he too is a Va-genius, and that he should do just fine pleasing a woman. In the end, he and his boss decide that the problem is that they just aren't clicking because they're not in love.

So....what, my friends, does this insinuate about what is needed for a woman to orgasm? This episode's message, in my opinion, is a much clearer message than we usually get from media about female orgasm. Every indication is that manipulating the vagina is what gets a lady there. There was no mention, not even a slight insinuation, that the clitoris exists. It was all vagina, all the time. Now, granted, a lot of people use the word vagina, incorrectly I might add, when they mean vulva. So, I might have given New Girl a very slight benefit of the doubt, but I can't because when the "Va-geniuses" are discussing how to "get a woman there," they where showing how to do that on a picture of the inner reproductive orgasms only. They could have left the picture as vague as the euphemisms they were using, but they didn't. They specifically linked female orgasm to the vagina. The clit had nothing to do with it according to this show.

It doesn't matter to me whether any of this was done for laughs or because of something like decency laws. No matter the reason behind it, it is misleading, incorrect, and ultimately shitty for our cultural understanding of the female orgasm (although it's also a completely status quo way of speaking about it). There was a clear insinuation that women orgasm through vaginal stimulation (although it is quite murky what is stimulating the vagina in those wierd euphemisms - hand? toy? penis?...who knows). There was no mention of the clitoris at all, and since the overwhelming culture sense is (incorrectly) that vaginal stimulation causes orgasm, this episode did nothing but heavily reinforce that misinformtion.

I'm giving this episode a 0 vulva rating. I'm particularly saddened because the Schmidt character lends itself so well to being the douchy dude who unexpectedly schools everyone on his actually quite progressive understanding of the clitoris and the female orgasm. Instead, he is nothing but status quo cultural ignorance, deceptively disguised as sexual genius. It's maddening really.

Maybe Our Orgasm Experiences Are More Alike Than We'd Think, Ladies

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Hello, as I said before I feel like I should be highlighting blog posts and articles out there that are adding positively to the effort for orgasm equality. So, today I'd like to point all of you to a blog post by the fantastic blogger of at In Bed With Married Women. 

She wrote a blog, strangely titled Title This Post Contest, about her frustration of being a woman who needs clitoral stimulation to orgasm in a world where it seems so many other women just come at the drop of a hat. Now, full disclosure, she mentions one of my posts in her blog, but I promise, that's not why I'm singling her post out. Frankly, I thought her post was brave, and it really made me feel hopeful.

I think we ladies need to talk more bravely and openly about our real, physical experiences and about how we feel about our own experience versus what we expected our experiences to be. We need to be honest about how frustrated we sometimes get, and how confused we sometimes are, and  how much we compare our orgasm lives (or lack there of) to what we believe other women's to be. I think if we all start letting our guard down more and speaking honestly to each other, then we just might see that we all have more similar experiences than we ever thought. We might see that these things we feel frustrated about and bad about, are less personal problems and more larger cultural problems. Anyway, thank you Jill from In Bed With Married Women for creating a courageous awesome post.

Here's the beginning of her post, which I like, but I suggest you read the whole post, especially since she did something awesome like offer a vibrator prize to the reader who best named that post - as long as that reader was one who also needed the ol' clit stim.

So I was going through your responses to the questions about clit-vag distance and its relation/non-relation to your propensity to come via straight-on intercourse alone (Woo! Sexy talk. Is it hot in here?) and now I am just...depressed. Or possibly pissed off. At the very least, I am most certainly miffed.

Why? Because of those among you who can have an orgasm--like no problem--with no other kind of hand stimulation, mouth assistance, divine intervention--nothing. Practically all the time.
For example, in response to "Do you come easily, sometimes or never via intercourse alone?"

Anonymous commented:
"rather easily and usually multiple times"

And Naomi bragged answered:
"always come easily, no fingers or appliances needed (or even wanted, too distracting from the main event)"

For me, coming from just fucking alone has happened--maybe--five times. In my life. And that's rounding up.
It's biological tyranny, I say.
For men and the rare lucky chick who just needs a little in-and-out to come "rather easily and usually multiple times," let me explain. I think porn and romance novels and the in-and-out chicks have skewed what we think is a "normal" sexual response. Despite what we see and read all the damn time, the majority of women need some sort of extra stimulation to have an orgasm. The vast majority of women. That's just how it is.

Several men and women, who I consider to be generally enlightened, have mentioned variations of "it just takes the right man"--which is, I think, only true to a certain extent. Yes, some men are much better lovers. Yes, some men's parts are more compatible with your own. And yes, some men will get you so hot you could practically come from their gaze. All of these are good and can help.

However, in most women, the clit is where things are happening. But in a cruel twist of nature, Today's Generally Accepted Fuck Moves are happening in the vagina, which is annoyingly close to the clit, but...not...quite...there. Men, picture if your main sensory pleasure center was, say, on your perineum but you were expected to get to your bliss via regular old boning. You could get close. Your balls might rub against there occasionally, or you might figure out some crazy-ass position that sort of almost did the trick. But it wouldn't the kind of direct you-are-there-stimulation you'd need.

Ladies Like To Watch Men Doin' It, Or At Least I Do

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Hey ya'll, I just got inspired (thanks DaveJ) to say that I think gay porn is pretty hot, and sometimes I prefer it over straight porn. Why? I will tell you why.

1. Lots of dudes with hot muscly bodies (unless it's some gross 80's gay porn with gross dudes)
2. Lots of lovely hard man junk
3. Complete lack of female faces covered in jizz
4. No fake boobs, in fact no boobs at all - cause honestly, they're kind of boring.

For real though, straight porn often has ugly dudes and women who...let's say...don't look like they are really having a good time. Gay porn is just dirty, hot sex without all the gross, boring, painful, and not in any way orgasmic things that happen to women in straight porn. Plus, it focuses on male bodies, which - surprise - is what I, as a straight woman, am into.

I know I'm not the only one. Holla if you're with me ladies!

The Entity of the "Female Orgasm" in Comic Form

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Barnaby, who is always watching out for things that might be of interest to me for this blog, sent me the comic below (Originally posted here by Tom Tomorrow). It was a while back when he sent it, but I was just checking through my list of blog ideas, and saw it sitting there, so I thought I'd use it today.

It's a play on the abortion and birth control debates that have been bouncing around, and makes fun of the sense that it's largely men discussing and legislating these very specifically female issues. This time, though, these men are talking about the female orgasm.

There's nothing specific about the content that really strikes me. It's just a funny little comic with a strong political edge. What I want everyone to think about, though, is the idea of the "female orgasm" that exists not just in this comic, but in our culture at large. The "female orgasm" is often spoken of quite differently than the simple, physical, clearly defined, and clearly understood male orgasm. Our culture often discusses the "female orgasm" as something more like an entity than a physical response; a unique, mysterious, and in a weird way - kinda unreal entity. Yes, this "mysterious entity" feeling that surrounds the female orgasm is exaggerated in this comic for laughs, but it was only able to be exaggerated because it really does exist.

I just wanted to note that this misunderstanding of the female orgasm as something mysterious and vastly different than the male orgasm is so a part of our culture, that we rarely even notice. As I've said before many a time, the female orgasm is no less mysterious or less achievable or more fickle than the male orgasm. It only seems that way because we approach it so ridiculously in partnered sex. So, I guess what I'm saying is that since jokes about the female orgasm being a figment of one's imagination are still real enough to be funny, it means our culture still has a long way to go yet.

This is something you learn to do.

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I caught an article on BlogHer that I thought was pretty good. I thought I should start taking more time to look for and highlight things out there on the ol' interwebs that I think are positive contributions to the Orgasm Equality Movement, as I like to call it...it sounds official, doesn't it?

The article is by Lady J at Ladywanderlust and it's titled "Surprising Sex Issue That Shouldn't Exist." While talking with a friend, a cool, interesting lady, the author  finds out that her friend has never orgasmed. She can't believe that this is still such a problem in our modern world.

I don't know if I am naive, but I am a little surprised that in 2012 there are still guilt-related sex issues roaming around. We've had a Sexual Revolution, the PlayBoy empire, the birth of YouPorn.com, the Jersey Shore and Fifty Shades of Grey ... yet some women still carry guilt. And they don't talk about it: they just accept that maybe they can't/won't have orgasms. 

Now, of course I would argue that the 60's Sexual Revolution didn't do much for female sexuality beside allowing women more freedom to play the female role in the already established male sexual culture that already existed, and I would say it did very little in giving women freedom, opportunity, and information to help us become orgasming, fantasizing, sexual beings. I digress though. You can enjoy that argument more fully in the movie.

My point, though, is that it doesn't surprise me too much that women still struggle to orgasm even though we are perfectly physically capable to do so. I think she's right that guilt has something to do with it, particularly guilt about our right to masturbate and our right to do during partnered sex what we need to do in order to get our orgasm...but I think there is a larger issue about the cultural understanding we ladies get about what an orgasm is. It seems as though we should just get one from having sex with the right dude. We don't easily learn about our clit and its place in our orgasm. We don't learn about it in school, or in the large majority of porn, or in much of the cultural depictions of sex. That is where this article impressed me. I thought the authors advice to her friend was right on.

Now, I felt the need to step in: "This is something you learn to do, not expect to surprisingly happen. Everyone is different, so thinking the next person you sleep with will be able to guess exactly what you like will not happen. You need to tell him, or at least encourage when he's in the right direction. Think of yourself as a cheerleader, not a coach."

Olive was silent. But I knew she was listening. Maybe she was impressed I made a sports analogy.

"I think you need to figure out what you like on your own, first. Do not get paranoid. Lock your bedroom door, put some furniture in front of it, whatever. I think it will help ... do you understand the general idea of it?"

Olive snorted, "Yes, I think I know how to do that. I just get nervous about my fucking family running around without boundaries."

"I laughed. "Ok, maybe you should get yourself some help ... of the battery operated variety?"

Olive laughed, "If you can't come right out and say it, how are you going to help me?" (the range of my word prudeness is vast, and most of my friends know and make fun of me for it. Bastards)

"A vibrator. Go buy one. You don't even have to do it in person. Go to adameve.com and order one, to come to your house, in discrete packaging, and then figure it out. Some woman can be very picky. Try different positions, fantasize, don't give up because it's taking awhile. And don't put it on the highest speed because you think that will work the fastest -- you will vibrate your clit off." 

I particularly like the statement, "This is something you learn to do, not expect to surprisingly happen." It's true. Her advice is simple. Basically, she told her to masturbate, but if more of us were friends or had friends like these two women  - who were brave enough to talk about this issue plainly and honestly - then we'd all be better off.

Thanks Ladywanderlust!

A Thanksgiving Video Repost

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Happy Thanksgiving!  I'm re-posting the very special Thanksgiving video that we made last year as part of our Kickstarter campaign (our successful Kickstarter campaign, I might add). I think this video will be an SSL Turkey Day tradition. I mean, it's got pumpkin pie and the word "binner," so it's pretty much the best intersection of Thanksgiving and female sexual response out there.

I'd also like to mention that as I'm writing this, Charlie, Barnaby (my fellow members of AnC Movies and fellow SSL directors), and I are having an AnC meeting, and I asked them to list off some things they are thankful for. Number 1 is clearly gossip, and don't you dare judge us; you know you love gossip. Number 2 is cats (there are 5 between the 3 of us). I guess that pretty much sums up us as a group; shallow, gossip-hungry, and cat obsessed.

Enjoy the video and have a fantastic Thanksgiving day - however you happen to be spending it.

Sex Help Books...Why Do I Still Have Hope?

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Chillin' and illin' at a bookstore this fine weekend, I was drawn towards the Sex and Relationships section as is my tendency. For years, while researching for this movie, I've always checked up on this section. I figure I should check up on what the current advice is the ol' s-e-x. Actually I'm not that super interested in most of the info in those books - most of it is probably fine. I'm just always quite interested in the part about intercourse and female orgasms. Specifically, I wanted to see was if any of the authors will let their lips flap enough to outright say that there is no physical, recorded evidence for orgasms that result solely from stimulation of the inside of the vagina (yes it has been shown to cause ejaculation in some circumstances, but not orgasm). That means intercourse is pretty crap for female orgasm, and nobody seems to want to say that outright. I know there might be some disagreement from my readers about this assertion, but if you want to get my full explanation of this, check out THIS POST I wrote.

Honestly, though, these authors are supposed to be experts in the field of sexuality and orgasm, and I would like to expect more from these books. Being that there is a specific set of physical events that define an orgasm, and that there is no evidence that simply stimulating the inside of the vagina has ever caused those specific events - doesn't it seem odd that books on sex and orgasms never seem to mention that? The clitoris is the organ of female sexual pleasure as much as the penis is the organ male sexual pleasure. That should be a clear theme in these books. Now, I will say these authors often give a gentle nod towards this truth. They will talk about how important the clitoris is and may accurately describe how one might achieve an orgasm by stimulating it, and they may even take pains to point out that the majority of women don't seem to orgasm during vaginal intercourse (in surveys only about 30% of women say they can). But do they ever mention that an orgasm (not some oo-y goo-y spiritual definition of an orgasm - but the real physiological definition of an orgasm) has never been recorded as a result of purely vaginal stimulation (that means no additional stimulation of the clitoral glans)?  Many a women have claimed casually and not so casually that it's happened, but it's never been recorded. I think that's important thing to inform readers about, but it's as if the sex researchers and sex advice guru's are just not bold enough to say it.  It's like it's okay to downplay intercourse's part in female orgasm a little bit, but not too much. The boat can't be rocked that hard. Even if they emphasize the importance of clitoral stimulation for female orgasm, there is also always at least a little section on what kind of intercourse positions help with female orgasm or that hit the g-spot best. There is always a sense that lucky, awesome women, or women who are sexually adventurous, or sexually confident enough can just have an orgasm from a little in-out action. It's like they all just keep saying, "You, you frigid, pathetic, barely sexual, freaks just have too many sexual hang-ups. You haven't been in the right position with the right man, with the right music on, and just don't have the right mindset or something. Keep trying."

None of these stupid books ever just say, "hey if for some crazy reason you can have an orgasm through intercourse without ever getting any kind of even the tiniest stimulation of the clitoral glans...awesome. You should call a researcher and go physically record the first ever. For all others, you're going to have to figure out how to stimulate your clitoris while having intercourse if you want an orgasm during intercourse in any sort of regular way." Simple.

With the exception of 5 Minutes to Orgasm Everytime you Make Love, which was written in the 1998, the only books I've ever seen that really say that (The Hite Report on Female Sexuality by Shere Hite and For Yourself by Lonnie Garfield Barbach are the two of my faves) were made in the 70's; after Masters and Johnson;s groundbreaking studies about female orgasm but before the G-Spot. In about 81 The G-Spot and Other Recent Discoveries about Human Sexuality by Wipple, Ladas, and Perry came out and introduced the G-spot to the world. We haven't been able to give up on the vagina giving us an orgasm ever since, but I keep checking the new advice books just in case one of them has enough labe to just say it out.

Random Hite Report 2

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You are in for a treat, my dear readers...more RANDOM HITE REPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the second in the series so far. You can see the first one HERE. I do love the sweet, interesting, sad, lovely, intriguing look into the women's lives who were brave enough to pour their sexual self into Shere Hite's detailed survey. I can't recommend this book enough. It is still relevant almost 40 years later.

The page you will be reading is a bunch of women's answers to a question about if they felt frustrated when they were about to orgasm but didn't because of removal of stimulation or something similar. Spoiler alert: they did. Anyway. Remember this is only one page so it gets abruptly cut off at the end.

Enjoy.

Pg. 148 The Hite Report Dell. 1976.

"Yes, I feel furious and insist my partner continue. It is the ultimate in frustration. It makes me feel like I could commit murder."
"I feel frustrated and disappointed and sometimes physically ill, and hurt and rejected emotionally. However, I usually hold my emotions together by trying to reason with myself."
"If the stimulation has been sufficiently long and strong, I feel discomfort in my genitals and down the back of my legs. Then I'm uncomfortable for hours."
"This happened repeatedly during the early part of my marriage before I turned myself completely off as a means of survival. Now I'm somewhat resigned that this is what happens with men, and don't expect to climax. So, it's not too bad. I haven't gotten to that 'just about to' point for a long time."
"No orgasm is frustrating and worse than no sex at all. It makes me feel depressed and discouraged. I would give up a partner I didn't orgasm with."
"If I am really aroused, and don't have an orgasm, I am frustrated to tears."
"It's okay without sometimes if I am mentally into it. Otherwise, not having an orgasm is disastrous, disgusting, and depressing."
"I feel a great frustration when I don't have an orgasm, which destroys all other pleasure for me. Especially if I am very aroused, and still don't have an orgasm, I often cry as an alternate form of release."
"Not having orgasm hurts."
"In the beginning of my sexual experiences I didn't mind, but after a while, after a few experiences with guys who just cared about their orgasms, or were ignorant enough to believe all women would just come at the sight of their penis, I got disgusted, and now it makes me feel extremely frustrated. I hate the man and will never see him again."
"Yes, frustrated, angry, frightened, insecure, and humiliated."
"Frustration comes in the form of abdominal cramps, I don't know whether in the uterus, ovaries, or where, but around there, but it also involved bitchiness, Irritabl-..."

Boogie Nights - The SSL Review

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Charlie and I recently got on a Paul Thomas Anderson kick. We re-watched all his movies before we headed out to see his newest one The Master. It was enjoyable because we both do enjoy a good P.T. Anderson flick, and as luck has it, one of his movies met the criteria for an SSL review. Boogie Nights made it, unsurprisingly, since it revolves around the porn industry of the 70's. As an overview, I like this movie a lot. It's long - as most P.T. Anderson movies are - but it has great characters and keep the audience fully engaged throughout. I do recommend it. The SSL review is more mixed.

An SSL review, as you know, critiques the depictions and discussions of female sexual response. Boogie Nights was an interesting case. There was 1 depiction and then there was a speech that struck me yet really doesn't have a depiction or discussion of female sexual response, but I'll talk about it none the less.

The one depiction of female orgasm is a tricky one to critique. It was during a porn scene between Marky Mark (and yes, I will always call him Marky Mark) as Dirk Diggler and Julianne Moore as Amber Waves. It's his first on-screen scene. She's a boss. He comes in for a job interview, and well, they start doing it. She obviously has a sweet spot in her heart for Dirk Diggler, and she's very encouraging and nice. They get to the intercourse after some kissing, and she is laying on her back on the desk, and he is standing between her leaning forward. She never seems to be obviously grinding against him, so any orgasm would seem to come from just the ol' in and out. She moans and vocalizes like a porn star (as expected), but easily turns that moaning on and off when she has to deal with the technical realities of acting in a scene on film, so I feel like that gives the clue that she is not really orgasming, and reinforces the idea that women fake in porn.

However, I think there are more complicated messages here. As the two get into the doin' it, the sense is that this is a little more pleasurable for her than most porn shoots. I say this because of subtle things like little looks she gives him and because in the end, she tells him to just come inside of her, even though the plan was to pull out and come on her breasts. He does this, and if you know anything about porn, you know that this is a bit unacceptable. Almost all porn has the "money shot" where we actually see the ejaculation. She, being a veteran porn star, knows this and yet intentionally wanted this intimate act of him releasing inside of her; presumably because, for whatever reason, she was particularly enjoying herself with him.

So, she's liking it. Why she's liking it is the question. Of course, one reason is he's a cute, fresh-faced, nice studmuffin, and she's just taken a kindly liking to him. I think that's one part, but I think the scene was used to point out some other things out about ol' Dirk Diggler. Specifically that he has all the qualities a man who sexually pleases women is supposed to have. The movie already established early on that he has an extraordinarily large penis, so that's #1. In this scene, he screws her for what we are meant to perceive as a long time. While they're doing it, the film runs out in the camera. The crew seems like this is unexpected, and it's a bit of an odd inconvenience to have to switch out film reals during the sex act. We see he has staying ability, so that's #2. Then after he comes inside Amber Waves, the crew gets a bit worried because they don't have the money shot, and they are discussing how they can work this out, when Mr. Dirk Diggler speaks up and simply says something like, "If you guys need the money shot, then I can just do it again." The crew seems surprised, impressed, and pleased, and the scene ends. So, he can go again and again with little to no recovery period, so that's #3.

This scene is about a sort of "faked" sex act, so deciphering what it insinuates to the audience about female sexual pleasure is not straightforward. However, I think to some degree it reinforces the idea that men are able to "give" women orgasms through fucking, and the qualities that help them do that are big penises, the ability to screw for long periods of time, and the ability to start again right after they come. These are also just good for the aesthetics of porn. Plus, the staying power and the going again and again is good for the technical realities of shooting a film where the star needs to have a hard on for long periods of time (especially in the pre-Viagra days of the 70's). So, it also just shows he's an ideal porn star. However, I also think it dually works at keeping up the lie, so much a part of our culture, that women orgasm through stimulative friction in the vagina (which a big, filling dick is assumed to help out with) and long extended periods of intercourse (which staying power and back to back sexcapades is assumed to help with). Truth is we simply need clitoral stimulation, people, but I digress. 

The other point of discussion I'd like to get into is a little more philosophical. I think this movie, in some ways, is about the hope, excitement, and even the purity of the porn industry of the early 70's. The movie gives a sense of some truly good intentions and a hope that the kind of freedom and education that porn can provide could change the world. Dirk Diggler gave a speech that summed that up and stirred something in me when he won a porn award in the height of his career and during the height of the porn industry optimism within this movie.  

Wow. I don't know what to say. I guess...Wow. I guess the only thing I can say...is I'll promise to keep rockin' and rollin'...and making better films. It seems we make these movies, and sometimes, you know...they're considered filthy or something by some people...but I don't think that's true. These movies we make, they can be better. They can help. They really can. I mean that. We can always do better. I'm going to keep trying if you guys keep trying. Let's keep rockin' and rollin', man.

When I heard it, it reminded me of the kind of optimism we feel towards porn in our movie (Science, Sex and the Ladies). Just a ol' Dirk said, I think porn has the potential to help. We discuss in the movie how porn never received the kind of level headed feminist criticism that other aspects of our culture received during the 70's (things like school sports, places of work, education, etc). Truth was, feminists as a group were split down the middle on how they felt about porn so heavily that even speaking about it was hugely divisive. It made the topic of porn so hot-button for feminists that there simply was no progress, only in-fighting. In our movie, we discuss the possibility that we can still make porn better through thoughtful feminist critique and strategic pressure. This very influential part of our sexual culture could lead the way in creating realistic depictions of female sexual release. As it is now, the depictions of female orgasm and pleasure in porn are almost always faked and terribly unrealistic. It is a roadblock in the trail towards orgasm equality, when it could be a leader. I know it may seem weird to see porn as so hopeful, but Dirk Diggler's optimism reignited the hopefulness I have; the kind I hope is reflected in our movie. Let's keep rockin and rollin' man.

I give this movie 2 1/2 vulvas. It's pretty status quo. Nothing really progressive, and it could be scene to reinforce some of the main misconceptions about female orgasm and men's part in female orgasm. On the brighter side it made me feel kinda hopeful, so that's why it's got an extra 1/2 vulva.

(!)(!)(!

VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I usually write about female sexual response; how we learn about it, what the media insinuates about it, how we can improve societal understanding of it - you know, that sort of thing. Today I just want to encourage all my American readers out there to vote tomorrow. I feel pretty damn strong about my responsibility to vote. I sure hope you are registered, and if not, please get registered for the next election. If you are registered, please make the time to vote.

I know there is a lot to be disillusioned and cynical about in our various levels of government, but come on - what the hell do you expect, perfection? It's a small group of people trying to make governing decisions that could work for a large country full of people with hugely diverse ideas and visions. It's gonna be messy. Some parts of our government have gotten better, some have gotten worse over the years, but it's still here and there are still a variety of avenues for creating change in areas you disagree with. So, please, please, please don't spout off that all politicians are the same and that you truly don't care. You do care. You care about something...or you're severely depressed - and in that case get some professional help to see you through it...or you are a complete anarchist, and in that case, start putting your money where your mouth is, so to speak , and stop paying taxes or something truly indicative of your type of anarchy.

About 40 to 50% of eligible Americans don't vote, and if you are one of these non-voting Americans, you're doing a great job of letting the worst, most cynical of our politicians know that most Americans don't pay attention, don't affect elections, and ultimately, don't really matter. So, vote, people, vote. It is, quite literally, the very least we can do to participate in running our country.

I just want to reiterate that I've written a blog that does not once say the word "clit" or "clitoris," and that, my friends, is how strongly I feel about you voting.

The Sessions: A Guest SSL Review

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