Broad City S1 Ep. 1-4: The SSL Review

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Being the 1. Broad City is full of SSL Reviewable moments, 2. I didn't take good notes on my first viewings of Seasons one and two, and 3. I truly enjoy watching that show, I decide to re-watch Broad City and take good notes for SSL Reviewing this time. I will continue adding these reviews to the big ol' list of TV SSL Reviews HERE (and as always you can find all the movie SSl Reviews HERE).

As my die-hard readers already know, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of a depiction or discussion of female orgasm and/or masturbation. I look toward realism (for instance, were the physical things happening to that women while she orgasmed things that could realistically cause orgasm for a woman?) and to what the depiction/discussion reflect from and add to the larger cultural discussion around lady-gasms and female sexuality. A show could be good with a bad SSL review or vice versa, and I really try to keep and SSL review to the SSL reviewable scenes, but if I feel like it, I can talk about anything I want to - because it's my blog.

So here we go:

S1 Ep 1 "What a Wonderful World"

Planned Masturbation Scene

Description 
She episode begins with Abbi looking at a vibrating dildo (a purple one where the tip of the penis makes a twirly motion and there's little vibrating like bunny ears that would be positioned to stimulating the clit while the dildo's up in the vag) with a sticky note that says: "Tuesday 7am"

Ilana Skypes her a (I can't be sure that's the actual program they're using, but you get the point), and she puts it down to answer. Ilana's telling her about a badass plan for the night and Abbi's all like, 'sorry, I got cashew stir-fry to eat,' and Ilana's all like, 'bitch please, you need to have some fun.'

Ilana: You're so stuck in your little routine. I bet you schedule when you jack off.
Abbi: Schedule when I ja...phhssh.....

So later after their adventure we see Abbi put a sticky note with "Wednesday OR Thursday" on that ol' vibrating dildo.

Discussion
So this is not a complicated one here. I'm gonna make this fast.

1. It is insinuated that a female main character masturbates
2. This woman's friend knows she masturbates, and they speak about it in a way that insinuates nothing wrong or wierd about that she masturbates (only about how scheduled her masturbation habits are)

Because of 1 and 2, the idea that women masturbate and that they can speak freely and unashamed about their masturbation is normalized for the viewer. This kind of relationship with male main characters to masturbation is pretty common in comedy TV and movies, but not for females, so this scene is progressive and important for orgasm equality, because normalizing lady-bation is crucial

• to get more women masturbating and at a younger age
• for there to be a larger cultural understanding that women crave orgasm in a similar way to men

I will say that there is no depiction of exactly how Abbi used that device to masturbate, so this scene could be a little mushier lesson for some. I say this because what she is holding is a dildo, something you put inside the vagina, and since there is a strong sense in our world that women orgasm from things (especially penises) stimulting the vagina, it might reinforce that idea for those that don't know any better (which is probably most people) because they assume she's just gonna ram it in and out to masturbate.

However, it's not a bad depiction. It is a realistic and sensible masturbation device. It is a vibrating dildo, so you could just hold it against the vulva/clitoral gland area to masturbate. Also, there are these vibrating ears on it that would stimulate the clit while the dildo is inside, if one wanted to go that route. Hell, you could just stuff it in a hole and masturbate the clit/vulva area with the hand if you really wanted to. So, what I'm saying here is it can be used in a variety of very realistic ways - because seriously, there really should be insinuation of clitoral glans/vulva stimulation if this is to be deemed realistic. As far as scientific literature is concerned an orgasm caused only by stimulation inside the vagina has never been observed or recorded AND almost all women who masturbate, do so by stimulating the clitoral glans/vulva area (Hite Report 1976 was a good survey on that) - you can find more about all that HERE.

Rating
Anyway, altogether a solid discussion of masturbation: Progressive with insinuations of realistic masturbation possibilities. I give this 4 1/2 Vulvas:
(!)(!)(!)(!)(!


S1 Ep 4 "The Lockout"

Bonus Technically Not SSL-Reviewable Scene
So, there was no discussion or depiction of female masturbation or orgasm, but they spoke about receiving oral sex in a refreshing, progressive way. They were sitting on a porch waiting for a locksmith. Here's the scene:

Ilana:  OK, who would you rather have go down on you? Michael Buble or Janet Jackson....
Abbi: Oooo. okay, um what buble are we talking here?
Ilana: I don't know - the optimum Michael Buble
Abbi: 'cause his weight..fluctuates...
Ilana: yeah
Abbi: so does hers.
Ilana: yeah
Abbi: so does mine
Ilana: yeah
Abbi: but then again, Micheal Buble is like such a crooner I think he could do stuff with his mouth that like most people couldn't.

They get interrupted there, but the point I'd like to make is that these women express casual interest and joy in thinking about famous people giving them oral pleasure. Again this is a freedom males are allowed in movie and TV all the time, but not so much for women. It was refreshing and exciting to see that kind of sexual agency expressed in a female to female conversation, and although not technically SSL REviewable, I thought it worth a mention.

5 Movies About Someone Real #DirectedByWomen

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I started doing this categorized List of 5 movies thing where I showcase movies that were directed by women and that I have actually seen. It all started during the Directed By Women Worldwide Viewing Party in September, and it was pretty fun, so I've continued doing it from time to time.

It's a bit off-topic from my normal fare, ya know, not usually about lady-gasms or anything like that, but I think it fits the blog because
1. this blog is also about indie movie-making, and
2. this blog is partially about getting the female perspective of sexuality into our media. So, to me, supporting female voices in our media - means we're creating more room for female voices to speak on all types of things, which sometimes will be sex, orgasms and sexuality. You can find all my 5-movie lists HERE.

So, this is my 5 MOVIES ABOUT REAL PEOPLE LIST! That's right, these movies are about real people, so get a snack, a beverage, your lap-top to fact check aspects of these people's lives as you watch, and enjoy the show.

1 I Shot Andy Warhol - This was directed by Mary Harron. I saw this probably a couple years after it came out...probably on a VHS I rented from the Blockbuster on East Washington Street. To be real honest, I don't remember it that well, but I remember thinking it was cool and interesting. You just might think that too.




2 Monster - This was directed by Patti Jenkins. I saw this at the movies when it came out, but the thing is, I had just seen the documentary of the main character's life, and I really really liked it (I often have a hard time with a fiction version after I've seen a doc on the same thing). so, I was probably less enthused about this than someone who never saw the documentary, but it's a good movie, and Charlize Theron did win an Oscar for it!





3 Wig'd Out - This was directed by a local gal by the name of Kate Chaplin. I saw this at the Indy premiere at a packed Brewhouse Theater. Good music, fun teen antics, and a spunky young lady with alopicia? Oh yeah, it had it all. It was a fun time and the beer was good too!






4 Private Parts - This was directed by Betty Thomas. I think I saw this on video too. I hadn't had much thought either way about Howard Stern before the movie. I knew about him, of course, but he wasn't on the radio or anything in my area. I remember enjoying this movie, but don't know if I can remember much about his life anymore....I guess it was close to 20 years ago, huh??





5 American Splendor - This was directed by Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini. I thought this was a really good movie. I hadn't really known anything about Harvey Pekar going into it. It's been over a decade and a lot of the details are gone, but I remember thinking the style and the way the story was woven together was pretty awesome. It should definitely be on your watch list.

How The Stanford Letter Reminds Us Ignorance Of Female Orgasm Easily Becomes Lack Of Sexual Empathy For Women

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A beautiful letter about the harm of sexual assault and rape culture
I noticed a few postings about a Buzzfeed article that piqued my interest, and so I read it. It featured a letter written by a woman who was sexually assaulted while unconscious on the Stanford campus. She read it in the court room, largely directly to the man who assaulted her, after he had been convicted of the crime and then sentenced to only 6 months with probation. This happened very recently, and her letter was moving and thoughtful, and I highly suggest you go read it. It's not short, but it's worth it.

The man was a Stanford freshman with a promising swimming future, and that element of his life seemed to play heavily in the surprisingly gentle sentencing. She was a grad student and accompanying her younger sister to a frat party that night. She ended up black-out drunk, unresponsive behind a dumpster with this dude on top of her. Luckily this situation was interrupted when two Swedish students on bikes saw what was happening, chased the dude down after he ran, and called the police. He was also drunk that night, clearly not as drunk as her, but even though he was caught in the act, he never really admitted to doing anything worse than getting too drunk and to the "promiscuity" that naturally happens when you're drunk.

That seems to be what really saddened the writer of this letter. This dude never really acknowledged what he did, and that part, plus the leniency of his sentence, seems to make it clear how not so seriously our culture takes sexual assault. She speaks eloquently about how fucked up the whole situation was from his actions that night, right through the trial and sentencing (although she had only lovely things to say about the police and hospital staff that were with her in the direct aftermath).

How female orgasm is involved
I won't do her words justice, so again, read it. There is a lot to chew on in what she wrote. There is all kinds of important discussion to be had around topics like 'rape culture,' the experience of victimization, our legal system and so much more. I'm sure many people out there are tackling those things beautifully. Me, I like to keep my writing here focused on the female orgasm - how it is culturally (mis)understood, and how its misunderstanding affects us, and strangely enough female orgasm does creep into this, in, I think, a poignant way. So, this is just one small consideration within a very complicated and serious situation, but I think it's worth mulling over a bit.

So, as I was reading the letter, this part caught my attention:

On top of all this, he claimed that I orgasmed after one minute of digital penetration. The nurse said there had been abrasions, lacerations, and dirt in my genitalia. Was that before or after I came? 

Why cultural ignorance about lady-gasms matters here
Here's the thing. That she would orgasm in this situation is ridiculous, and not just because she was being touched against her will and being hurt in the process. There is a level of common sense and basic physiologic knowledge of female arousal and orgasm that is missing here, and I think that ignorance causes more harm that we realize.

Now I fully understand that arousal is complicated and that not everything is exactly as it's supposed to be or how we understand it in the scientific literature, so I guess in a larger view anything could happen I guess. However, the orgasm claim from the defendant and his lawyer was very likely a bunch of BS used to put out a sense that there was consent and that she was actually enjoying herself (because since she had no memory of it, they were able to define the narrative). I honestly don't think the defendant and his lawyer would have even thought to create a story like this if the person were a male, because, frankly, it just wouldn't be as buyable. It would seem too desperate and outrageous. I mean it looks that way as is, but sadly not desperate or outrageous enough for the lawyer to think...'hmmm, we shouldn't say that.' I think there is a special problem with cultural ignorance about physical realities of female orgasm that we don't have for male orgasm. I'll show you what I mean with a little exercise.

What if it were a male in the situation instead?
Imagine if the victim in the case were a male - let's call him Ray. Imagine Ray was very, very drunk at the time of the incident. Now imagine the defendant saying that after fingering Ray's anus for a literal minute, Ray orgasmed. I think most people would
1. cringe at having someone finger their unconscious butthole and
2. call bullshit -just from instinct and common knowledge - on Ray orgasming.

I really don't think we have that same instinct about female orgasm, which is unfortunate because what really is the difference between these two scenarios on a physiological kind of level? Let us count the similarities.

Male vs. Female incident - the similarities

• Stimulation inside the vagina has never been shown in scientific literature to elicit orgasm (Seriously. I don't want to go deep into this now, but check HERE and HERE for more explanation) and neither has stimulation inside the male anus (*I'm actually much less sure of the anus one because I don't study that much, but I feel pretty certain....although less certain than the vagina statement). 
• Stimulation inside the male anus and also inside the vagina could both stimulate the prostate/g-spot and illicit ejaculation, but that seems to be a minority experience for both men and women, and it's never been shown to cause orgasm. 
• There is anecdotal evidence for both vaginally stimulated orgasms and male anally stimulated orgasm, but again neither have been physically verified in scientific literature even after over 50 years of research into it..and even the anecdotal evidence would put both these as a minority experience (I have no data on the anal, but women claim vaginally stimulated orgasms on surveys at around 20-30%, although I would argue it's much less) 
• There are tons of people who find fingers in their vaginas or butts very pleasurable...In fact male butt play is way on the rise!
• This one is my favorite and should be the most obvious. Neither situation involved stimulation of the organ of sexual pleasure - the penis and/or clitoral glans. Seriously, the clit should be as synonymous with orgasm as the penis is.  
• In both situations the person being fingered was really drunk, and frankly the more drunk a person is (and this is absolutely as true for females as it is for males), the less blood flow they get to their genitals (which causes erection in men and lubrication of the vagina in women - and yes males and females will each have a similar amount of extra blood flow down there during sexual arousal - men's is just easier to notice), the less their body will be able to physically arouse (even if they are mentally aroused), which means they will be less likely to orgasm because orgasm in all people is the release of physical sexual arousal through a series of rhythmic pelvic muscle contractions. If there is no physical arousal, then there can be no orgasm because there is no physical arousal to release...So in both situations, the level of drunkness in itself makes an orgasm unlikely.
• In both situations, the hole that is being fingered is probably not very lubricated, so it should bring to mind, well, pain, not pleasure. I mean, the anus doesn't really make it's own lube so there's that, and the vagina sure as hell doesn't make much, if any, lube when you're black-out drunk (even if the woman was mentally aroused). So OW! on both accounts. 

Lack of knowledge = Lack of empathy
Point is, I think this lack of basic understanding about physical female arousal and orgasm makes us all less empathetic to females and sex than it does to males and sex. I think that believing women can orgasm through ways that are super unlikely (if even possible at all) like stimulation to only the vagina, anus, nipples or through fantasy alone, and the sense that the female orgasm is somehow beyond physical limitations and extremely unpredictable is quite harmful. It makes us all a little more open to seeing sexual situations for women that are actually quite unarousing and painful, as possibly more arousing and pleasurable than they sensibly could be.

This woman had abrasions and lacerations in her genitalia. If a man came out of an incident with abrasions and lacerations on his penis, would a court still be going about things as if it were sexual? It would be some masochistic shit indeed. For women, though, it seems pain and genital injury is assumed par for the course. Take the 1st time of sexual intercourse, for instance. It's assumed women will have pain, even though there is no physiological reason that this is inevitable. Baring any injury or illness, it merely means there is not enough arousal, lubrication and comfort, but ladies are expected to power through. If intercourse was hurting a man's penis, I guarantee the intercourse would stop. And what did the defense lawyer say about the significance of this woman's abrasions? (from the woman's letter about the defense lawyer's arguments)

To say, yes her nurse confirmed there was redness and abrasions inside her, significant trauma to her genitalia, but that’s what happens when you finger someone, and he’s already admitted to that.

The lawyer didn't say that injury to the genitalia and inside the vagina during fingering is normal because he was assuming people would completely disagree. He said it because he knew it would kinda ring true - because to some extent we expect there to be injury to women when they have sex.

I think this kind of ignorant blind eye to female sexual pain and boredom, and the easy way we can allow ourselves to transfer those types of experiences into narratives of possible pleasure and orgasm is beautifully paralleled in oh-so-many erotica stories and porn. How often in those stories do we find a woman initially not wanting the sexual aggression and even being initially hurt my his/their penetration and body manipulation, but ending up coming sooooo hard, soooo many times? There's clearly a whole element of women-actually-like-rape narrative in erotica like that and in stories like the one the defendant above told, and it is something people who talk about rape culture talk about often.

However, I think it is often overlooked that at the center of that narrative is a willingness and a cultural permission to believe women can realistically have orgasms from things that just straight up would never cause orgasms in a woman; things that are utterly unarousing, things that ignore her organ of sexual pleasure, things that are painful, and things that simply don't take a realistic and accurate understanding of the body into account...things we don't associate so easily with male pleasure and orgasm.

So, although there are lots of problematic things that should be considered about our culture after reading this woman's letter, I would like us not to forget that the defendant in this case and his lawyer thought it sensible enough to try and insinuate this woman's consent and enjoyment of the encounter by claiming she orgasmed from 1 whole minute of digital penetration while she was black-out drunk...and they thought it was sensible enough to say, because, well, in this world it kinda is -and there is a big problem in that.

Yana Tallon-Hicks Speakin' That Orgasm Equality On The TED Stage

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A good friend of mine tipped me off to a friend of hers who had a TEDx Vienna talk I might be interested in. It was called, "Is The Porn Brain Our New Sex Educator" by Yana Tallon-Hicks, and by golly, my friend was right. This lady was spittin' some truths. Go check it.




She teaches classes about consent to young people, and she has a lot of good thoughts and stories about that. However, the TED Talk is largely about how the lack of acknowledgment that sex is pleasurable in sex ed classrooms all over the world makes it sensible that young and old alike are flocking to porn as a de facto educational device - even though porn is a pretty shitty sex educator...and that is a problem.

She describes some of the ways that porn fails to be a good teacher -things like the lack of verbal discussion and 2-way communication, stereotypical and sanitized characters and scenarios, and my very favorite - the bad info about lady-gasms.

She begins the talk by describing a past experience that started with her and her boyfriend getting it on to some bargain bin porn she found (she would normally be much more discerning in her porn).

So the woman is about to reach her pornographic climax, and the suave porn guy mutters in her ear, "Do you like that baby?" and Baby says, as she always does, "Ooooohhhhh yeeees. Yeees!" and then as she reaches her climax she yells, "I can feel you going all the way up to the top!" I freeze. "To the top?" I say, and now I'm practically yelling in my poor boyfriend's ear, "To the top? Really? Of where exactly? You know what? This is why. This is why everyone in our country is having such horrible sex!"

Speak it. You see, this is the stuff that I get excited to hear because it acknowledges how insanely off-base porn (and really all media and our culture in general) is about the basic mechanics and physical realities of female orgasm. It's something I actually don't hear often. I often hear criticisms about how porn doesn't reflect the real emotional connections and goofy, messy reality of real life sexual interactions. However, that almost every female orgasm is faked and the actions done to get there are ridiculous and unrealistic while almost every male orgasm is real seems to somehow get lost in the porn-criticism shuffle. So, big props to Yana for leading with it.

But even bigger props for getting to the heart of the situation - that ladies need clit stimulation like men need penile stimulation, and it's absolutely insane that our culture still holds so tightly to the idea that a penis pumping in a vagina is going to be mutually orgasmic.

Yana tells us that as a sex columnist the biggest question she gets is from women who try and try but just can't orgasm. They think they're broken, but they are not broken, she tells us. The information they are getting is broken. She goes on to crush it by saying,

Over 75% of women require direct and consistent clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm - over 20 minutes of it, and yet P in V, penis in vagina penetration, is they way we're taught sex works. So when I hear a porn performer attributing her explosive orgasm to her partner pounding his way all the way up to the top...of wherever that is...it infuriates me.

It infuriates me too. Let's start a goddamn revolution! I am officially adding Yana Tallon-Hicks to the ever growing and ever so prestigious list of Orgasm Equality Allies!


And just for fun, here are some bonus quotes from this talk:

"The main dilemma we face now when we're watching porn is which hand should I use to hold my phone and which hand should be on my junk?"

"When suave porn guy says, do you like that baby? Baby never says...actually you're nowhere near my clit, let me show you how to do this."

1977 Hustler Review Series #1: Advice & Consent

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So there is a fab lady named Jill Hamilton. She made it into the Orgasm Equality Allies List a good while ago for her various writings. She's awesome and she's goddamn funny. She writes the blog In Bed With Married Women, which you will not regret reading.

Now here's where Hustler comes in. She had a give away on her blog, and we readers had to comment and tell her what we wanted so she could pick randomly and ship shit out to us. I saw she had a vintage Hustler, and so I asked - nay begged - for it. I promised to both SSL Review it cover to cover and to also masturbate to it. She chose me, but not randomly. It was because she wanted me to do all those things, and do them I will!

I received the September 1977 issue of Hustler in the mail. It was a good day. On my first quick scan, I must admit, my modern sensibilities were...well...a bit shocked. I'll get into some of that in later posts, but let me just say I really never fully understood where the term Chester the Molester came from, and now I certainly do. For now, though, I'm simply going to look into the advice section and give a little SSL Review. This, my friends, is merely the beginning - enjoy!

Advice and Consent (p111-112)

Clearly this is the advice section where readers write in and get answers. They warn at the beginning that this advice doesn't replace advice and care of a doctor, but it doesn't say who is actually writing the advice. It's edited by someone named Susi Green though. I'm going to copy down word for word each of the SSL Reviewable questions/answers and add a quick SSL review at the end of each one. Just as a reminder, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussion and/or depiction of female orgasm and/or female masturbation in media (usually I do this for movies or TV not magazines, though). I will particularly pay attention to the realism and scientific accuracy of the depiction/discussion and how it fits within the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and female sexuality.

1

    My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years and we have a two-year-old daughter. We don't have sex every night, but when we do, I have a hard time coming. He has no trouble at all. We've come to the conclusion that I've been trying too hard. Is this really possible? Is there anything I can do or take to help with this problem? 

N.S
Akron Ohio

It is possible to try too hard to achieve orgasm. Orgasm is a neurovascular reflex, and should not require concentration or conscious effort. Anxiety caused by failure to reach orgasm can inhibit physical response to sexual stimulation. A woman whose mind is filled with worry that she won't function as she thinks she must, or who has fears of inadequacy or abnormality, and is concerned about reaching orgasm probably will not. Orgasm is the result of physical and mental stimulation, and therefore must be felt rather than consciously achieved. Experimentation, either alone or with your partner, can help you discover what is most stimulating to you. Often a vibrator is useful in conditioning your sexual reflexes and revitalizing the nerves that carry the sensations to your brain. Concentrate your efforts on feeling pleasure and stimulation rather than achieving orgasm. Enjoy the sexual excitement and let your pleasure be your guide.

 SSL Review comments: Well, this is not so off base. The parts about how anxiety can block the natural progression of arousal and orgasm is pretty on-point. Focusing on what feels good and not worrying about how your body will or should react is a sensible plan of action. I also fully endorse their endorsement of investigation through masturbation and the use of a vibrator.

However, I think they miss, as most advice columns today also miss, an important discussion. Was this woman's outer clitoral/vulva area being stimulated sufficiently every single time these two had sex? I'm certain his penis was. If when she said 'sex,' she meant penis-in-vagina intercourse, and she was wondering why he had an easy time coming and she didn't, then the answer is not that she's trying too hard. It's that her organ of sexual please (the clit) is probably being largely ignored, and his organ of sexual pleasure (the penis) is getting constant, lovely, warm stimulation inside that vagina.

Seriously, intercourse does not female orgasm make. My advice to her would be to make sure she can orgasm through masturbation, and then work with her man to fully incorporate those things that make her orgasm during masturbation into their sex life.   For real though, if our culture ever really, truly let it sink in that outer clitoral/vuvla stimulation is what causes female orgasm (in the same way it is truly sunk in that penile stimulation is what men need to orgasm), there would be so fewer ladies out there writing into advice columns about why they are having trouble orgasming.

2

    I'm a male in my late 20's. Recently I met this women in her early 30's. When it came to sex she said the only thing that gives her pleasure was my using a vibrator on her. When we get in bed she doesn't enjoy my sucking on her breasts or going down on her. She stated quite bluntly that she only enjoys playing with herself. Should I drop her and stop wasting my time? 

H.S.
Brooklyn, New York

Yes. This woman apparently feels either conscious or subconscious contempt towards men, and through this type of sexual restriction is psychologically castrating them. It is obvious that she has psychological problems and needs professional help. It would also be a good idea for you to reconsider your feelings about sex. Your indecision may indicate possible masochistic tendencies.

 SSL Review comments: Uh, damn. Calm the hell down, ya'll. The dude never said she wouldn't allow him to orgasm or have intercourse with her. He just said that she was very clear about what things she liked done to her. For all we know, the two have the ol' intercourse, he gets off, and she does too...because he was stimulating her clit (HER ORGAN OF SEXUAL PLEASURE) with a vibrator. Honestly, what's at all wrong with that? I mean, I would encourage her to give a good pussy eatin' a second chance (am I right?), but that's something that can be worked up to. She probably had shitty experiences with it in the past. He's going to have to build some trust with her and put some work in. I'm sure she'll come (get it? come) around.

She's also probably over dudes fucking her with no external clitoral stimulation (and thus no orgasm for her), so she found a way to get off on the regular, and she's sticking with it. That's actually awesome. This dude probably just wants to be able to give more pleasure to her in the sexual relationship, and that's a valid want that could surely be worked on with communication.

But just for another perspective let me throw this out there. Maybe we're not getting the whole story here. Maybe this guy isn't really hearing this women. Maybe just because she wasn't into the things that he thinks should get her all excited and orgasm-y (like fucking her without a vibrator), he thinks she's not into anything, but clearly she's into him using a vibrator on her. Is that not good enough? Also, maybe he's bad at the stuff he's trying to do to her but he's an ass and won't try new things or things her way. Maybe he isn't taking directions or criticism well so he just gets indignant and starts writing to Hustler about how ridiculous she is. Maybe he's sucking too hard on her nipples or she's told him a thousand times she doesn't get much from nipple stimulation (lots of women don't) but he won't listen because he likes to suck nipples and likes to feel like he's getting the woman off doing it, or maybe when he eats her out he keeps trying to just stick his tongue in and out of her hole instead of focusing on her clit area (sadly, it happens more than it should). Maybe she's the one that should leave his ass. Maybe Hustler should have told him to talk and listen to her and work on trying new things from time to time instead of calling her a psycho man hater and him a masochist. I don't know, just another take on it, ya know?

3

    My wife and I have a great sex life. For the past year or so she has been sucking me off while I lick her soft, hairy bunny and enjoy her coming three or four times. I usually only come once. Is there something wrong with me because I only cimax once compared to my wife's three or four?

    A couple of years ago I got hung up with a fantastic 38-year-old chick, and in an hour I could come three times. She had to be a pro, because she was so adept and never let up on me. Do you think a change more often would help me? 

R.C.
Southington, Connecticut

You don't need help - in fact , millions of men would be glad to have your "problems." Women are much more capable of having multiple orgasms than men, while men are much more capable of achieving orgasm every time they engage in sex. The average man is capable of one ejaculation per session without straining himself. The novelty of a new sexual relationship and an especially exciting woman can boost your sexual ability - temporarily. As the newness wears off, though, so does the perpetual hard-on. Only about 7 percent of all men are consistently capable of multiple orgasms. Women who regularly  climax three or four times are almost as rare as sexual supermen. You should quit trying to set sexual records and count your blessings.

SSL Review comments: First off, men are actually not much more capable of achieving orgasm every time they engage in sex - at least not in like a natural or biological sense. Women can orgasm during masturbation as quickly easily and reliably as men do. Problem is that mostly when men and women have sexual encounters, they have vaginal intercourse with little to no clitoral stimulation - so realistically women don't orgasm as much. But if most of the sex men had didn't involve sufficient stimulation of the penis, men would be in the same boat women are. Just wanted to make that clear.

Otherwise, I'm actually kinda bored by this one. I don't feel much like talking about it. Men can have multiple orgasms too. It seems to be when they are able to hold their ejaculation (orgasm and ejaculation are different things in both men and women) till the last orgasm. For women it happens for some, but it's not like a marathon event. It's like a few more orgasms very close together or one orgasm that lasts a bit longer (20 seconds - a minute) than men's usually do. So, whatever. Orgasms are nice. Enjoy what you got. Try new things if you want to experiment. That is all.

4

    Since my girlfriend is a great lay, we spend most of our time in bed. I've never seen anyone like her. With other girls, when they would come, I would sometimes feel a little flutter in their vaginas. My girlfriend's pussy squeezes my cock like it was trying to choke it. It feels great, and lasts about a minute. Is that normal? 

A.M. Boston, Massachusetts 

This is perfectly normal. When a female experiences orgasm, the muscles of the vagina contract at least three or four times, and some do so fifteen times or more. The strength and duration of these contractions vary from woman to woman.

SSL Review comments: It's true. The vagina will rhythmically contract during orgasm. It's because for both men and women, the pelvic muscles tense during arousal and then release that tension with rhythmic contractions at orgasm, and there are subtle differences between each person's strength rhythm and amount of contractions. The contraction of those muscles will contract the anus for everyone. For men it squeezes the urethra and helps project the ejaculate out (because most of the time for men, orgasm and ejaculation happen at pretty much the same time). For women it squeezes the vaginal canal and the uterus and all that.

Anyway, so yeah the vagina squeezes rhythmically during orgasm, but can dudes always feel that with their dick? I don't know. An engorged dick is actually not that sensitive. A finger would probably feel it way better. Was he saying that his girlfriend's vag just straight squeezed it for like a minute? That's kinda wierd because a minute long orgasm is pretty long and the squeezing would be rhythmic, not really like it was choking it. Maybe she's got a strong pus, but let's not throw out the possibility that she heard somewhere that the vagina constricts at orgasm and so while this dude was banging her vagina and ignoring her clit, she faked her orgasm with an intentional strong squeezing of his dick for as long as she could keep it up - and maybe that's why it feels so strong...because intentionally squeezing your pussy creates a lot more pressure than an orgasm, me thinks.

Bonus non-SSL Reviewable one, just because...:

    I am 57 years old and I love my wife's snatch. Seven years ago I lost an eye and I haven't been able to get a hard on since. Is there any help for me? 

J.K.
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin

There may be help for you. The loss of an eye may have a psychological effect on you, or there may have been slight brain damage that was not detected at the time. Close examination of the sex organs, nervous system and spine may disclose an impairment. If no physical problem is found, psychological investigation may help you learn to cope with your loss and regain your sexual ability. 

Val Kilmer's Top 1980's Lady-Gasm Advice

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I can't remember now what led me to this Tumblr, but in the Frequently Asked Questions, I found something golden that needed to be shared...and it spoke of lady-gasms.

You see, the Last FAQ on that Tumblr said the following:
I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING: THE EMBASSY, THE GERMAN GOVERNMENT, THE CONSULATE. I EVEN TALKED TO THE U.S. AMBASSADOR. IT'S NO USE. I JUST CAN'T BRING MY WIFE TO ORGASM.

It then answered that question with this video:

 

Well, the young Val Kilmer there, asks if he's tried the anal intruder, and well, the ol' guy thinks that might just be the solution.

Clearly, the real answer here is that he should probably focus on the clitoris/vulva area and, ya know, do whatever his wife would do to herself during masturbation instead of ramming her ass with a jackhammer-like fisting device, but whatever. This is absurd comedy, and I thought you needed to see it.

It's from the movie Top Secret! from the people who brought you the Naked Gun and Airplane! series, which I have always been a fan of, so maybe I will be watching this, and maybe it will get a proper SSL Review.

Ellen's Blog Get's Deep About The Shit I Keep Saying

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One of the best reactions to my work I could imagine
Firstly, it is true that I google my name and 'science sex and the ladies' often. I gotta see what's out there, and I'm often very glad I did 'cause I get to find little gems like this post from Ellen at at Ellen's Blog. It's called Female orgasm - a start.

She wrote it back around the time that my post critiquing a BBC article on female orgasm came out. Her post was a fairly quick one and more of an initial reaction to my article, but it was also thoughtful, and introspective, and it made me incredibly excited and thankful to her when I read it. She said it made her angry and that she kept thinking about it when she was trying to sleep and so she got up and read it again.

You had me at 'read it again,' Ellen. I know the shit I'm saying is not something people want to hear - it's strangely uncomfortable. Obviously, I believe deeply that these things need to be said, but I'm not naive (at least not any more) about how other people react. I tend to get 1 of 3 reactions from people.

The 3 reactions I usually get
1. They immediately feel relieved and excited and grateful to hear in such a straightforward way that their bodies or their partner's bodies are not messed up.

2. They, of course, agree with me, but then say something that makes me think the main point (that vaginal stimulation has never been shown to cause orgasm) didn't quite sink in. They love any of the other sex positive stuff surrounding that main point - like stuff about better education and communication and more masturbation, but just sorta skip over the big nasty elephant in the room part. The best way to describe it is that they just heard the parts that they already believed anyway and chose to completely ignore the uncomfortable parts.

This group goes into 2 categories - one that are big advocates but just continue to surprise me by also, in the same breath, saying really status quo things about female orgasm that directly don't make sense with the points in my movie/blog/article. The other group (and this is probably the biggest group) immediately writes it all off as the same ol' same ol' information about lady-gasms. Basically this group just completely dismisses it without even acknowledging the controversial aspects.

3. They get a little pissed. They fully understand what I'm saying about the whole vaginal stimulation thing, and they don't like it. They tend to be the first and most vocal group in comment threads. Sometimes they can be downright shitty with the first comments. Sometimes they are, based on their personal experiences, just straight up perplexed about where I'm getting this shit, and sometimes they just think it couldn't be right. But honestly, I like these reactions most because there is someplace to go from there. There is a conversation to be had because they are willing to see my point and are willing to argue theirs. And honestly, even the ones that start off with a super shitty comment become pretty reasonable when I engage them. I think it's just internet culture and them being used to authors not caring to read comments that makes it nasty sometimes.  Anyway, this is actually my favorite group. Ellen is in this group, and she's one of the best of this group.

Why Ellen is awesome and deserves to be an Orgasm Equality Hero
What I like about Ellen is that she got what I was saying. She had an authentic reaction to it that she was willing to acknowledge, and then she went back to investigate it more and to reflect on it a little through writing. That is literally the very best I could ever hope for from this orgasm equality activism. The weird and problematic truth of this whole despite-everything-we've-ever-been-shown-and-taught-vaginas-don't-seem-to-cause-orgasms business is that it cuts deeper than you'd ever think. The opposite assumptions about P-in-V sex being mutually orgasmic is so deeply a part of our culture and our sexual being that it's hard to even see that it's something we assume, and even when we do realize that we assume it, it's just as hard to unravel all the pieces of us that are wrapped up in it.

 I mean, I've been looking at the world from this perspective in detailed ways for over 10 years now, and there are still many aspects of my personal sexual life that are affected by how deep those assumptions are in my bones...much less my partner's. So, honestly, I expect pushback. I want pushback. The stuff I'm saying isn't something people just easily take in and move on from. It just isn't and I know this because I'm in no way the first person to say it. People have been saying it in many ways for many years, and it just hasn't sunk into our culture yet. I want anything but for this stuff to be dismissed like it has historically been. Ellen does not dismiss this, and in fact she says something that is so insightful, I wanted to fist pump in the air.

This idea that this G-spot is very important, a vaginal orgasm is the ultimate orgasm for women. That idea was inside of me. Not clearly defined, not like i talk about it or anything, but yes, it was. And now i read this article in which it is very clearly stated that that is no proof, no scientific proof for a vaginal orgasm.

Hell yeah. Ellen is bad ass because she did something that not everyone is brave enough to do. She took a breath and considered something that she found uncomfortable and by doing that looked dead into the hard aspects of the Orgasm Equality Movement. She just put down her initial thoughts here - no conclusions or anything. I truly don't care how all her thoughts eventually fall in order after this (because all of us will work this out in our own bodies and our own sexual relationships differently), but that she considered it means everything. I am grateful to her, and I respect her honesty and openness.

That kind of personal bravery is not easy, and it's the kind of thing I like to call attention to by making her one of my Orgasm Equality Heroes! Thanks you Ellen, and I'd love to hear more from you! You can see her and the other Orgasm Equality Heroes HERE!

Songs To Eat Girls Out To

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There is prolific publisher of playlists on 8Tracks by the name of yeswecancan. Charlie found some of her playlists a couple years back and became a fan, which I guess just means you tend to like whatever list that person creates. I got into her stuff too, although I don't listen to 8Tracks all that much because it always just stops streaming at some point while I'm trying to listen to it on my phone at work and annoys the shit out of me. Pandora does the same thing.

Anyway, all that to say she has a playlist called "Songs To Eat Girls Out To" and I felt like I should mention it in this blog. I just straight up appreciate the shout out to cunnilingus. But also, I feel like that title has something special to it.

It feels a bit like yesswecancan is telling the world that you should be doing some eating out, and that it's awesome enough of a thing to do that it deserves its own playlist. Plus I like that its musical inspiration is directed toward the person doing the eating out as opposed to the person being eaten out. We all know that getting eaten out is awesome, but this playlist, in my opinion, raises the status of doing the eating out - something that doesn't always get the celebrity it deserves.

So, there you go. Below are the 11 songs under yeswecancan's "Songs To Eat Girls Out To" playlist. It might be just the song list you need. (And you might want to project the D'Angelo video instead of just playing the song. That's one of the all-time hottest videos made by a dude).



P.D.A (We Just Don't Care)
John Legend



Bump N' Grind
R. Kelly



Untitled (How does It Feel)
D'Angelo




Until Then (I Imagine)
Jill Scott



Closer
Corinne Bailey Rae



Oops Oh My
Tweet



Be With You
Beyonce




Strawberry Bubblegum
Justin Timberlake




Let's Get Lifted
John Legend



Prince - I Wanna Be Your Lover (Official Video) by Prince-Official
I Wanna Be Your Lover
Prince




I Wanna Sex You Up
Color Me Badd

SNL Penis Rap S41 Ep11: The SSL Review

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This is an SSL Review of a skit called "At the Club" During Ronda Rousey's hosting in 2016. (You can find it HERE) For those who aren't familiar, here's the deets: SSL Reviews are only done for scenes that include depictions and/or discussions of female orgasm and/or masturbation. It doesn't necessarily say anything about the overall quality of a film or TV show - just those depictions/discussions. I'm looking for physical realism (is the physical thing happening to a woman while she orgasms actually a thing that could cause orgasm in women?), and I'm also looking for what part the scene plays in our cultural conversation about female orgasm and sexuality. So, thems the basics. If you want more TV SSL Reviews head HERE. Want some movie SSL reviews? Go HERE.

SNL Penis Size Skit (At The Club)
I have to say, I was super disappointed with this skit. It's getting a low vulva rating. Plus, I think they lost comic value by being status quo, but let me start in.

The story
So, there are 3 women at a club ( Aidy Bryant, Kate McKinnon and Ronda Rousy). They get approached by 3 men (Jay Pharoah, Taran Killam, and Beck Bennett). The ladies are all like, 'see ya. we're doing a girls night thing.' and then the guys are all over confident and like. 'I ain't worried if you're interested. We checking to see if you can handle us.' One guy, Beck Bennet, is clearly nerdier and less smooth than the other two.

Then the 2 smoother dudes start rapping exclusively about how big their dicks are and say things like,

"Got a D so big you can ride it like a boat. Throw it on the water, walk over it like a mote."
and
"I've heard people say mine's too much. I pulled it out my pants and I play double dutch."

There are cuts from time to time to the women, and we see them getting a little interested. Aidy Bryant even sexily purses her lips at them a little.

Then Beck Bennet starts in and says,

"Don't worry about mine, I'll go down on you."

It cuts right to the women who look at him, like, what the fuck? They are all confused and kind grossed out. Then it cuts to his friends looking at him like, WTF?

The two smooth guys continue to rap about their big dicks and between their parts Beck Bennet cuts in with the following lines:

"What if I just go down on you, and I don't take my pants of?"

"I throw you on the bed, my pants are on. My shirt is on. My hat is on. My socks are on. My jacket's on. Blurred Lines!"

"When I pull off my pants there's another pair of pants. Pants on. No negotiation."

"We've been doing all the talking. Let's let her talk. Like, what's your favorite fashion and way to dance? Is it bell bottoms and the boogie woogie or a satin blouse and the cha cha cha?"

He even pops in right after one of the guys sings about his massive penis and says, "must be nice."

 After all his lines, there is a cut to the women who are clearly not liking what he is saying. Aidy Bryant shakes her head 'no' at one point. and later says to him, "You're not even trying to rhyme." To which he replies, "I am trying!"

Toward the end, he just stops wrapping and kinda mumbles, "I got a great job, I'll go down on you. What are we even..."

He trails off and it cuts to the girls really unimpressed then back to him, where he says, "I don't love it, but I'll do it."

At the end, his friends and the women walk away from him, and he kinda desperately says to a random women walking by, "I got a small penis, but I'll go down on you."

My Thoughts
Okay, this is technically not eligible for an SSL review because it doesn't specifically talk about female orgasm or masturbation, but I'm reviewing because I think it actually insinuates heavily about female orgasm and I think it definitely places itself in the cultural conversation about female orgasm.

So, the insinuation with this skit was that big dicks are a way to entice women sexually. I'm not going to dog on that because hey - big dicks can be kinda fun for things. They look pretty, at least. But the skit further insinuates something problematic, I would argue, and that is that big dicks also give women orgasms. I say this because the guy who has a small dick gives his willingness to go down as an alternative to having a big dick. Kinda like he's saying he clearly can't satisfy them with his dick, but he can satisfy them with his mouth.

Let me say a few things:

• Women don't orgasm through stimulation inside their vagina (seriously - maybe a few women out there do, but scientists haven't actually identified them yet).  The insinuation that women do orgasm this way might come from a disturbingly common cultural assumption, but it's actually quite inaccurate, backward, and harmful to female orgasm
• Why were the women turning their noses up at a dude going down on them? Getting ate out is almost universally known to be awesome, but yet when it's going up against the possibility of intercourse with a big dick, it's like WAY lesser for some reason? That's some intercourse-centric bullshit. That comes from the sad and strangely deep feeling in our culture that real sex is intercourse and that it is hands down the best sex for all involved...which is completely counter intuitive to the uncontroversial truth that over 70% of women have NEVER orgasmed from intercourse. So, nice job keeping the terrible shit stain of a sexual status quo, SNL skit.
• Let me go back to this offer of a fully clothed man going down on you. So, this is not good? A woman would not want to leave a club with a dude who would make her come with his mouth and then not want to show her his stranger-danger dick??? She would not want to set back all satisfied and glad she didn't have to even worry about some sweaty dude assuring her he'll make her come with his dick, pounding on her for far too long because he drank a little too much and can barely get it up much less come in a timely manner? That's bullshit. I refer you to Bridget Everett's brilliantly hilarious, song, 'Put Your Dick Away.' 
• If a D is so big you can ride it like a boat, IT'S TOO BIG. Ain't no lady got time for that. Ain't no lady want to get with a dude trying to have a good time, but end up spending the night trying to contort her body so that he can't get his giganto dick in far enough to further bruise her cervix.
• The joke about guys having a small dick not being satisfying to ladies is not only inaccurate, but it's tired comedy. Let me put forth a better, more realistic, more fresh, and more funny direction this skit could have gone. It starts as before with the dudes rap-bragging about their giganto dicks and then instead of tired small dick jokes, it moves to a guy bragging about his average dick; about how comfortably he would fit, and how he would not bang their cervixes til they couldn't walk, and how actually he'll probably just jerk himself off while he eats her out, so the size of his dick doesn't really matter anyway...and other things like that. I'm sure starting from the premise, the SNL writers could come up with better stuff than I just did in 5 minutes. Anyway, my point is small dick jokes are usually stupid and kinda not on-point and there's better comedy out there.

The Vulva Rating
So, this SNL skit gets 1 vuvla. I am only giving a vulva out because there is some talk about eating out, and no matter the context I'll generally support that slightly. But otherwise, this song reinforced a misguided and wholey inaccurate sexual status quo that says interercourse is the ultimate in sexual interactions and that the bigger the dick the the more interested in and satisfied with it the ladies will be. And, it wasn't great comedy.

(!)

Broad City S3 Episodes 8 & 9 - The SSL Review

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SSL Review Intro
I'm continuing to move through season 3 of Broad City, SSL Reviewing the shit out of it when eligible scenes arise. Eligible scenes being those that include depictions and/or discussions of female orgasm and/or masturbation. That's the only thing I comment on in these reviews. I'm looking for physical realism (if a lady is masturbating to orgasm by rubbing weed against her face, I will call bullshit on scientific and basic anatomical ground), and I'm also looking for what part the scene plays in our cultural conversation about female orgasm and sexuality. So, thems the basics. If you want more TV SSL Reviews head HERE. Want some movie SSL reviews? Go HERE.

Season 3 Episode 8

The Shower Scene
Abbi is showering with a dude.  It begins while she's shampooing her hair as the dude is eating her out. Well, actually, I don't know that. I assume heavily that is what's happening. She's standing, and he's knelt down in front of her facing her, but he's completely out of frame. He could honestly be doing anything down there, and there are no verbal clues about what specifically is happening body part to body part. Maybe he's getting in real close to give it a good look and diddling that clit with his palm. I mean who knows the writers' and actors' intentions behind this scene. However, I feel like most viewers would definitely assume oral sex is happening, so that's what I'm going to assume was happening.

Okay, again I don't know the specifics, but I can say these 2 things about what's happening.

1. Abbi verbalizes and moves in a way that would seem that whatever he's doing to her feels real good. 
2. She's standing upright and steady while he's doing whatever he's doing down there. She's not moving like she's getting fingers rammed in and out of her puss or like she's maneuvering to spread her legs in any way. So, that would make me assume he's messing with the upper parts of the vulva area - which is absolutely the area that needs to be stimulated for lady-gasms.

My aside about trade-off oral

Oh - did I mention that they kept trading off. He goes down, then her, then him... - getting each other aroused and switching before anyone pops off. Did I also mention that I'm a big fan of the trade-off oral? 'Cause I surely am. I love getting oral- that's 100% true. I also like giving some oral as much as the next girl, but can we all agree that giving head is 300% better if you are horny while doing it? And can we further agree that you are a hell of a lot less horny after your come? We need to take that into consideration more when we're planning the oral turns. Like, when one person gets serviced before starting in on the other, then one of you has to go down on the other even though their recent orgasm just immediately popped them back into an un-horny reality where everything is just a little more gross. It's more fun to sorta travel that horny, senseless, gross road to orgasm together, or at least closer together, like Abbi and this dude did.

Okay -back to the shower scene
Anyway, during this back and forth, he asks her to go to dinner with him and she eventually says yes. He pops up, and she begins to take her turn going down, and the following conversation happens:

Dude: Oh - you don't have to. Um, I uh...I actually finished when you said yes.
Abbi: Ahhh :) -  I definitely didn't though*

Then she kinda pushes his head down and leans her head back like she's enjoying it before the scene cuts.

*Just so you know, I added the smiley face emoticon in there to give you a sense of her tone. I believe emoticons should become standard tone punctuation, but we don't need to discuss that here.

What does it all mean?
So, let's review:

• This was a situation in which a woman and man are having a sexual situation that does not involve intercourse. 
• They are enjoying it and both orgasm (or at least they both expect to)
• There is no sense from the characters or the tone of the show that their style of sexual interaction is weird 
• The physical things that were assumed to be happening to the woman are things that could actually cause a woman to orgasm
• A woman unabashedly expects orgasm in a sexual act that could actually cause her to orgasm and her partner and the tone of the scene treat that as completely normal

Put all that together, and that's some progressive, orgasm equality style television. You'd think that this kind of sexual interactions in TV and Movies wouldn't be so rare, but it is. Most sexual interaction is intercourse, women are often shown to orgasm from only p-in-v stimulation (which in reality is rare at best), and women are often made to seem weird or too aggressive if they actively pursue orgasm in any other way besides P-in-V.


Season 3 Episode 9
This is a simple one that really just barely qualifies for an SSL Review, but I like it, so I'm reviewing it.

Abbi and Ilana are going on a trip, and the morning they leave, they are talking on the phone. They're asking each other if they packed certain things, ya know, to help each other not forget things. One of the things Abbi asks Ilana is if she packed her vibrator - which she did.

The reason this simple dialogue is important is that it normalized:

1. the owning of a vibrator, 
2. the fact that a woman would take a vibrator on a trip,
3. and the fact that a friend would know about the vibrator and understand that it should be packed.                                                                                                          

The scene and the characters treated this all as par for the course, and so all those things were normalized, which means that other things get normalized by association, like:

1. women masturbating, 
2. women admitting to friend that they masturbate, 
3. women's use of vibrators in partnered sex, 
4. and women's need for the kind of clitoral/vulva stimulation that vibrators provide. 

Those are the kinds of things that need to be normalized in order for women to gain orgasm equality in the bedroom. So simple, but so progressive.

The Vulva Rating
Broad City consistently knocks it out of the park with orgasm equality style revolution. They slide it in with humor, and hoards of people get to ingest the realistic, clit-centric, lady-bation loving, equal-opportunity-orgasm sex having shenanigans.

This is another 5 out of 5 vulva rating.
(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)

Random Hite Report #17

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Hello, welcome again to one of my favorite segments on the SSL blog, Random Hite Report! It's simple really. I flip through the pages of the The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality  (or sometimes The Hite Report on Male Sexuality) by a one Ms. Shere Hite and copy the contents of the page where I land - no more no less. Anyone who reads my blog will know that this 1976 book is a fave of mine; not only because of its realistic and progressive insight about the female orgasm that is still shockingly relevant 40 years later,  but also because of its very touching insight into the lives of the women who took part in this huge, comprehensive survey. This is an under-appreciated and under-read book if you ask me - I suggest you buy it online (seriously, you can get them for like 1 cent) and read it.

 So, sit back, getcha a beverage, and enjoy a little...Random Hite Report...you never know what yer gonna get!

The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality Dell. 1976.
Pg. 435 From chapter "Sexual Slavery" in the section called 'LOVE'

It happens that the section 'LOVE' starts 1/2 page back from the page I flipped to, and it seemed easier to copy from the beginning of that section until end of page 435 instead of trying to use my own words to introduce what was happening on pg. 435. So, that's what I did. Enjoy.

LOVE 

    But somehow, the truth is more complicated than the simple idea that women are oppressed in bed as elsewhere out of "habit" - simply because "just as women are used to serving men their coffee, so they are used to serving them their orgasms." It is still remarkable how easily we bring ourselves to orgasm during masturbation, and how totally we can ignore this knowledge during sex with men. It seems clear that we are often afraid to use this knowledge during sex with men because to do so would be to challenge male authority. Somehow it is all right for a woman to demand equal pay, but to demand equality in sex is not considered valid.
   Why are women afraid to challenge men in bed? First, they fear losing men's "love." The question of what love is, of course, is very complicated, but it is clear that as seen throughout this chapter, the importance of sex for women is inextricably bound up with love:  

   "Sex for me is a very private and almost sacred thing. To me sex means the supreme proof of love."
    "In my own case, I desire happiness, togetherness, love, etc., and I know that if for no apparent reason I kept refusing sex, I would lose some of the happiness in my life, and I might lose the love my man has for me. He would assume that something was wrong and make changes, perhaps excluding me from his life."
    "It's a trade. Like my mother says, men give love for sex. Women give sex for love." 

It does seem to many sex researchers and therapists that the fear of losing a man's love is holding many woman back from having orgasms with men. According to Helen Kaplan in The New Sex Therapy: 

...The frank reaching for sexual pleasure may mobilize unconscious fears (in a woman) that she will be abandoned. She may be afraid that her husband will get tired of 'catering' to her. Or, if the patient assumes superior position in coitus, she may be afraid that her husband will find her unsatisfactory sexually because she is unattractive in that sitting-up position. These fears may have some basis in reality. The husband may, in fact, become impatient or rejecting. Moreover, if he feels that his sexual role has been pre-empted, this experience may give rise to anxiety in the husband as well, and in that event he may defend against this anxiety by behaving in ways that repel or frighten his wife.1

Similarly, Fisher found that the only difference psychologically between those women who were able to orgasm with their husbands (they were all married) and those who were not involved love. Fisher reported that: 

...the prime difference between women who are high and low in orgasmic consistency is their alarm about losing what they love. The low-orgasmic woman feels that persons she values and loves are not dependable, that they may unpredictably leave her. She seems to be chronically preoccupied with the possibil-...

Intercourse Still Rules: Glee and Shows Like It Toe the Line

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So, I was looking through old drafts in my blog, and found this from 12/12/11. I never published it for some reason. Also, as for a Glee watching update on my end: We did watch through at least the first season where some of them were in New York, like I saw Rachel rehearsing for Funny Girl on Broadway and have this wierd fight with Santana cause Santana was her understudy, but was pretty much way better actually, but then Santana had an epiphany or something I think and she dropped the whole thing or something like that...it was a few years ago. Anyway, but then we just stopped. It just got extra boring - we didn't have the gumption anymore. That's it. I think it's off the air now, though, so enjoy this flashback.

Glee. Oh Yeah, I'm gonna write about Glee again. I know there is a strong and pulsating hatred of Glee out there that sets beside the wild unabashed love of the same show. I, like probably many others, sit in between. I hate many of the characters, a fair amount of the writing, some of the songs, and some of the ridiculous stereotypes the show promotes.Yet, it's got some funny parts, sweet parts, and progressive moments. For instance, I just saw an episode where Finn (who I usually hate) sings a haunting version of Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. The hell I say? That's right, it was actually a really cool take on that song. Also, when I watch it, it feels like the 42 minutes of show is a full feature length movie. I don't know why or how, but the show seems to go on forever - which you might think means I'm just utterly bored, but actually just leaves me feeling fulfilled, like I've watched a whole hell of a lot of TV.

Anyway, I'm writing about Glee because tons of people of all ages and background see it. It is pop culture, which is, in many ways, the most common way we learn about what is normal when it comes to sex and sexuality.

This brings us to the Glee episode "First Time," which is in fact about losing the ol' Virginity. The issue I have with this episode is a little more vague than my usual critiques. There were no specific depictions or discussions of female sexual response to speak of. What it did have was more of the same ol' same ol'. It reiterated the crappy ideas we're already feeding teenagers:

• Intercourse is the most important sex act. 
• A person is not truly sexual until they do the ol' in and out. 
• Intercourse is equated to love; making it super duper special. 
• Other types of sex acts - like masturbation, manual sex, or dry humping barely exist as options for lovers, and even if they did, they are not the main course, and they obviously don't express love the way that intercourse does.
• No one ever says it outright, but the insinuation made by these situations is that intercourse is awesome. Awesome must mean orgasm. Therefore intercourse must be orgasmic for all involved! 
• Also, it really seems like the couples in these shows literally just go from making out to fucking, as if you have 2 options for teen lovin' 1. You make out and maybe do some under the shirt stuff if you want to stay safe, pure and SO COMPLETELY SEXUALLY UNSATISFIED. 2. If you want to FINALLY get some satisfaction, well, ya gotta fuck.

I'm really just using Glee because it's so popular, and I just watched that episode, but that's the same message we're getting from almost any TV show aimed at teenagers - or adults for that matter. I know it's a pipe dream right now, but wouldn't it be awesome to see a show where instead of dwelling on intercourse (the most risky and anti-female-orgasming type of sexual interaction)  it is insinuated that one or more of the couples on the show are engaging in mutual masturbation or exploring by giving each other handies*...and they are loving it. It's disease free, pregnancy free, quite intimate, and equal opportunity orgasm inducing for both the gal and the guy. Why aren't we promoting this more and intercourse less?

Watching that show just reminded me how very radical it still is to talk about non intercourse forms of sexual interaction at all; much less to consider them as equally bonding, loving, and special as intercourse. I won't hold my breath, but I hope one day I'll see my dream fulfilled on some silly teen show in 15 years.

 (*I didn't mention oral simply because we're talking about teens and everyone's always worried about teens and disease and all that, and oral is still exchanging bodily fluid membrane to membrane, and there's not widely used protection out there for that, so I'm just being like all public health minded with the handies and MM. Please don't mistake that for a disinterest in a good eatin' out - 'cause I. LOVE. THAT. SHIT.)