MeTelling Cosmo Readers to Rub on Stacks of Laundry in Their Panties

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If you read this blog you know that I have some straight up love for some of the Cosmo sex writing. Yes, cool people are supposed to make fun of Cosmo Sex Position lists, but that's stupid because the Cosmo Sex Position lists have been bringing their A-game, full on clit focused and yet still often hilarious shit. It's actually at the forefront of the Orgasm Equality Revolution, so suck it. Jill Hamilton and the editors and illustrators that support her are bringing that Revolution, ya'll.

So on that note, I would like to introduce to my SSL world Lane Moore. She's the Sex and Relationship Editor at Cosmo. From my understanding, she wrote a post about ways to masturbate, and Jill was tasked with doing some additions for an updated version to put out there. So, Jill asked me if I would like to be one of the experts in there and I of course said yes. I mean, I am not going to turn down the chance to have my name in Cosmo because that's awesome motha fuckas. Plus, I like thinking of clit-tastic things to do while alone or with a partner. So she sent me the link to the original, because my solo-sex position couldn't be something already in there. What I found was clit focused stuff, which was awesome as shit. They even talked about penetration, but didn't act like you could forget about the clit stimulation during it. That's big. I mean you'd think that talking about masturbation of course it'd be clit-focused, but sadly that's not usually the case.

So, I was super stoked about being part of that, and decided to talk about rubbing your underwear covered vulva against something soft. It's how I masturbated from about 4 to 18, and it's awesome. They didn't have room to add in my advice about keeping a hand under the soft thing to push up against you as you grind down on it, so I thought I'd add that in here. It's a journey, people. Try different things until it feels right.

This whole thing reminded me how much I love this way of masturbating. I actually felt weird about it after I started being sexual with a real live person in my late teens and felt like I needed to teach myself a more 'correct' way of masturbating. So, I started using my hand on my clit until I was able to come from it. I am pretty adept now 20 years later, but it took me a couple weeks of trying before I was able to make it work. It was too intense for me at first. Anyway, I think about that sometimes and how sad it was that I thought the way I masturbated wasn't cool enough because it's not what you see on TV or movies or porn. It works like a motha fucka though, and to all my sisters out there who come this way, high fives to all of you. I don't do it this way enough. I may hit it this way tonight.

So, check out the article. You'll enjoy.

How To Masturbate For Women - 12 Masturbation Tips by Lane Moore and Jill Hamilton

Cosmo's Sex Positions Are Still Legit As F#@&

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A Cosmo Guide for Bathroom Sex???
So you see a Cosmo Sex Positions List for 5 Bathroom Positions, and you're probably not, like, thinking that'll be one of the most progressive, orgasm equality, bad-ass feminist sex things on the internet, but you'd be wrong. It is all those things because every one of those 5 positions, in their tiny little descriptions, still found a way to include stimulation of the clit.

Now, one would think, since the clit is as important to female orgasm as the penis is to male orgasm, that a woman's magazine would totally make sure the clit is a central figure in any sex advice or sex ideas it put out there.  Sadly, I think we all know that's almost never the case. Instead, vaginal-penile intercourse is almost always the focus for those types of things, and the clit is left out - or if you're lucky, mentioned as an erotic appetizer or if you're really lucky as 'important too.' It leaves everyone to assume that women can and should orgasm from penetration, which is a big ol' scientifically baseless assumption....a GIANT and long-standing cultural lie, one might say. I mean, imagine if in men's magazines they only discussed sex in terms of clit stimulation against his inner thigh, leaving the penis completely out of almost all the positions and advice - and people like never even really mentioned how insane and anatomically inaccurate that was. That's the kind of crazy-ass backward way of discussing sex that women have to put up with throughout our culture.

Classically the long running tradition of Cosmo's hallowed Sex Position Lists that so many a woman or girl have read among the giggles, awe, interest, and astonished ridicule of their friends has been hardcore intercourse focused with lots of g-spot mentions but very few clit mentions. (P.S. The g-spot is not a magic button in the vagina for orgasms. It might help cause ejaculation for some women...but never has stimulation of that area or anything in the vagina been shown to cause physical orgasm in all of scientific literature) 

HOWEVER, The Cosmo Sex Positions Lists, under the superb creativity and humor of Ms. Jill Hamilton, have changed all that, and I'd kiss her face if I ever saw her in person. I wrote a post recently about how theses sex position lists are going to bring Orgasm Equality, and I meant the hell out of it. I mean, think of all girls reading those sex positions to each other during slumber parties, and instead of imaging good sophisticated-women's-magazine-approved sex as being a vag-bangfest, like my generation did, they are going to also see that sophisticated-women's-magazine-approved sex also includes their clit...because it should.  To me, that's HUGE because it not only helps shape girl's expectations of what should be happening during sex, but maybe more importantly, it will shape the guy's expectations of that as well (boys fo sho read women's sex stuff to get some info). If it feels normal for a guy to think about what's going on with the clit during sexual interactions...my god, just imagine how much better life would be.

It's just one sex thing in the ocean of internet and writing, but Cosmo Sex Position Lists are read by a lot of people, and its style will very likely be copied. Right now they are on the leading edge with this. Consistent clit focus is absolutely not currently the norm in sex writing for the big women's magazines...(and honestly not for a lot of the smaller, progressive stuff either). Although there are others out there trying to make that happen too.

So, go read these Sex Position Lists. They are full of the humor, whimsy, and insanity that you expect and want from these lists, but they are also not completely clueless about female anatomy and orgasm as so many in their past have been. I will give you the clit-related highlights....

5 Positions in the Bathroom
Soapy Slide
"...just let your partner tend to you with one soapy hand sliding up your bum crack, the other sliding over your clit."

The Plunger
"...Fill your hand with lube and rub your clit..."

The Oral V
I mean, this is an oral position. Mouth on clit - enough said.

The Selfie Stick
"...He reaches around with a vibrator while you both admire your mutual hotness in the mirror..."

The porcelain Goddess
"...Have him use two fingers on either side of clit and rub as you ride and you will no longer care that you're doin' it on a toilet."

But that's not all. Not 2 weeks earlier there is also 5 Essential Sex Positions You Can Do Without Leaving the Couch, and guess what motha fuckas? The clit was ignored in exactly zero of these positions.

5 Couch Positions
The Lazy Boy
"...Rub your clit as you move and he can hold onto your boobs—everyone's happy and, technically, still seated."

The Channel surfer
"Fun fact: if you prop a vibrator between yourself and the sofa arm, it stays put, like, perfectly."

The Couch Tease
This is basically couch mutual masturbation, so it's perfect and clit-tastic all on its own.

The VIP Section
This one's a blow job position, but it ends with..."Let them choose how and where they want to orgasm, and then you switch places and Get. Yours."

The Greasy Spoon
"...If it's not quite doing it for you, squeeze some lube on his fingers and guide them where they need to go." In this one the picture has the dude's hand right on the ol' clit area. It's legit.

Cosmo Sex Position Lists Will Bring the Orgasm Equality Revolution!

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The Sacred Institution of the Cosmo Sex Position List is Busting Up The Patriarchy, Bitches.
Now, I know that there is nothing more fun for snarky feminists and misogynist-ish women's magazine haters to do than to make fun of the Cosmo sex position lists. I get it. I've been reading Cosmo on and off my whole life, and I assure you there has at times been some ignorant, thoughtless-ass shit in those lists.

However. Shit. Is. Changing. It has changed. The Cosmo Sex Position Lists are not the same P-in-V obsessed listicles that I remember from my teen years...or from just a few years ago. Granted they do still embrace the light-hearted, absurdity that has always made them something you want to read to your friends  - I mean, that's part of the fun. But, my people, these motha fuckin' lists done got woke these days. Woke about the clit.

Our culture in general - even the sex-positive and progressive parts, are far, far from being Clit-Lady-gasm-Woke, so it seems insane to hope that a huge mainstream magazine like Cosmo would just be miles out ahead of the greater culture on this. And to be fair, it's not miles ahead, but when it comes to these sex position lists, they are out ahead, and that's amazing and important.

To me there has been a real shift in those Cosmo sex position lists towards a more realistic clit-based understanding of female orgasm. And BTW saying clit-based female orgasm is like saying penis-based male orgasm. It really should go unsaid, and sexual encounters and sexual advice for clit-bearing people really should seamlessly include the clit (the glans and outer parts in particular) in the same way that sexual encounters and sexual advice for penis-bearing people seamlessly include the penis.

A Quick Orgasm Equality Primer - Revo-fuckin'-lucion!
As my loyal readers know, there is no such a thing as an orgasm (physically measured through rhythmic muscle contractions) caused by stimulation to anything inside the vagina anywhere in the scientific literature. There's just not. It seems like there would be, but there isn't...the inner vagina does not seem to include anything that can be stimulated to orgasm (ejaculation, yes. orgasm, no.) - not the "g-spot," not special parts of the vaginal wall, not the cervix, not the inner clitoral legs that are real hip to talk about currently - none of them. You know what can be stimulated to cause orgasms? The clitoral glans. The reality is that there are lots of places on the male and female body that can cause heavy arousal, but in the end, to really get the orgasm job done, the penis or the clit need to be involved.

Sadly, though, the clit (and thus the female orgasm) is often not involved - in the conversation, in depictions or in actual sexual interactions. As a result female sexuality is twisted as hell and way too many women are not orgasming way too much of the time...like...there's WAY too few clit orgasms out there compared to penis-gasms.

It's bullshit and we need to revolt because there is no biological reasons women should be orgasming so much less than men, but I digress.

Why I'm Serious About These Lists
Cosmo is a serious player when it comes to our cultural understanding and knowledge of female orgasm. All women's magazines are, but I think Cosmo has a particularly strong rep when it comes to sex. It's incredibly popular, and I venture to say girls and boys in their teens as well as all types of grown people, some time in their life, have taken at least some bit of cues about sex from reading a Cosmo article...even if it was second hand cues. What Cosmo writes about sex matters. It does. Period.

Who's Behind This And Why She's Killing at Orgasm Equality
I suspect that Jill Hamilton has quite a bit to do with that. Jill was one of the very first women I online met through my blog, and she got it. She got Orgasm Equality, and she was on board. She was writing her own hilarious and sometimes quite honest sex related blog (In Bed With Married Women), and I know I have at least 1 or 2 emails from her that end in something like 'Viva the Fucking Revolution!' She's bad ass.

Now, I knew she had been writing some of these lists. I was even consulted for one (and it's been on my list of things to blog about since then), but I really didn't realize that she was basically like the writer of these lists for a bit over a year now.

I hadn't realized she made it to the big-time. And, I'm not really talking about career (although that is a super sweet gig). I'm talking about the big-time in terms of taste-making and reach when it comes to sex advice. For all the reasons I talked about above, Cosmo sex writing means something in the culture, and I know the lists aren't really sex advice, but in practice they act as such. So, given that sex and orgasm are in all reality a huge and deeply important part of women's lives, bad sex advice is damaging (or I should say -continues to be damaging given most advice about female orgasm is already shitty), but good, scientifically sound, realistic advice can heal and enlighten. It can change lives, change the way women fit into our world, and bust up the patriarchy, people. I think particularly because these lists are such an institution and such punchy, fun reads, it's quite possible they touch more people than just about any one sex advice column out there. and that is nothing to sniff at.

And frankly Jill is killing it - as is her editor - Senior Sex & Relationships Editor, Ali Drucker and the two women who illustrate them Marcy Gooberman and Katie Buckleitner. (I learned about them all and their creation methods in a podcast interview that I will discuss below).

What's The Difference 
If I were to sum up my personal perspective of the change (and I'm talking general change) in these lists it'd be kinda like this.

BEFORE:

•  It would focus on how the dick moved inside the vagina and insinuate - sometimes specifically say - that the movement would give the orgasms. 
• The clit was mentioned in these sex positions quite sparsely and almost always in the same way one would mention any other erogenous zone like the breasts or the neck. Like, if an intercourse position happened to also allow for the clit to be stimulated (and honestly it was usually intermittent clit stim that would happen as a side effect of whatever intercourse thrusting was being recommended), it would often be phrased kinda like, 'Bonus! Your clit gets a little love every time he thrusts upward!' It was no different than saying, 'Bonus! you get to stare lovingly into each other's eyes the whole time!' (Let me be real clear. The clit is as important as the penis and should be discussed as such. Have you ever heard sex advice that said *Bonus! His penis will get a little stimulation too!*??)
• The G-spot is spoken about All. The. Time. as something that will cause orgasms though being stimulated by PinV sex. For real. Stimulation of the G-spot or anything else inside the vagina, has NEVER EVER been shown to cause orgasm in all of scientific literature. It's unbelievable given everything you see and read, but it is absolutely true, and it means insinuating to women that they will orgasm because a penis rubs their 'G-spot' is scientifically inaccurate...and kinda mean.

NOW:

• Clitoral stimulation is often mentioned, and often in a casual way as an obvious part of intercourse or other sexual encounter. 
• It is often mentioned how normal not coming through P-in-V alone is. 
• The G-spot is quite rightly not mentioned in relation to orgasm (as far as I can tell I haven't seen that mentioned anywhere in lists written by Jill). 
• I also feel there is something special here, and I guess the best way to describe it is that these lists seem more self-aware, but not in a cynical way.

Why I'm So Goddamn Excited About This New Direction 
What Jill Hamilton and the rest of the Sex Position List Team are doing is like my SSL dream come true. They are a force of change within a big, ingrained institution of defacto sex ed.

You see, I used to think that change would be more like an explosion. When I first started this blog and released Science, Sex and the Ladies the movie, I assumed that if I could just get people to take a different perspective, it would be obvious how messed-up, misinformed and ignorant our culture was about lady-gasms. and people/media/education/advice would start to change. That's super naive, though. It doesn't work that way. Our misunderstandings and ignorance about female orgasm, our deep erasure of the clit, and our reliance on the false but comforting story about intercourse being as orgasmic for females as it is for males exists deep deep in our culture and our psyche, and that doesn't change so easily.

The reality is that the march towards Orgasm Equality is a long, slow one, and it will be won not in this generation, for we, sad to say, are already too broken, but in the future generations. It will be won because people today (like Jill Hamilton) will speak in big, mainstream venues (like Cosmo) about sex and orgasm from a different, Orgasm-Equality-style mindset and will create a different tone to the lady-gasm conversation that will seep into the next generation. Change like this is slow and imperfect and frankly a little frustrating, but the fact that the writer of the sacred and time-tested Cosmo sex position lists is a full-on, kick-ass, Orgasm Equality Activist and that the other women working with her on these seem to be in a similar mindset as well, means that we are going in the right direction. This is true even if for now all their wild revolutionary ideas won't always get greenlighted by the big mainstream venue they work for. Their intentions are still going in the right direction, and that gives me a shit-ton of hope. It makes me really excited in only the way that someone geeking out on their obsession can be excited.

The Cosmo Sex Position Team
So, I listened to an interview with the Cosmo Sex Position Lists creative team (Jill, the writer, Ali the editor, and Marcy and Katie the two women who illustrate them) on the Cosmo podcast, and realized these women were doing god's work (because part of god's work is in fact doing sex lists).

Seriously, though, anyone who wants to poo-poo the current feminist and orgasm equality power of the Cosmo Sex Positions Lists has to go through me first. 

Here are some of my fave take-aways from this podcast:

1 Ali the editor, Jill, and the host were talking about the writing and creative process for these lists, and in the conversation, all 3 were in agreement that most women don't come from penetration (I mean, I personally would say all, not most...sure women can come during penetration, but not as a result of it...but again, I digress).

Listen, any topic could have been a addressed here by these 3 women, but the whole penetration is shit for lady-gasm thing was the one that came up. That, my fellow revolutionists, is a fantastic sign.

2 The editor also called bullshit on the oft-spoken idea that 'getting on top' is all a woman needs to come. Yas y'all! That lame idea is not given the shitty advice certification it truly deserves. I've long been in agreement with this lady.

Here's the deal, it's stimulating the clit (aaaand of course being properly aroused and having masturbated to orgasm at some point so you know what your body needs and all that too) that gets ladies off - not some magic element of being in the 'dominant' position during intercourse.

Now, I will agree that being on top may allow more pelvic freedom during intercourse so that you may better grind your clit against your partner to orgasm, but then again maybe not. Maybe you, like me, prefer to have his full pelvic weight on top of you so you can grind up against him in order to come (if he'd stop moving for one fucking second while you do what you need to do to get off, of course).

Anyway, my point is that telling women that getting on top is the way to orgasm is like saying that going on a date is the way to see a new movie. I mean, yeah, you very well might go to a new movie on your date, but the advice is shitty, misleading. and confuses anyone who is really looking for a realistic way to see a new movie. It misses the one important advice about seeing a new movie - which is that you should go to a movie theater, and you really don't need to be on a date to do that. In the same way, the 'on-top' advice is shitty, misleading, and confusing. It misses the important part a lady would need if she was actually wanting good advice on how she might realistically get to orgasm - which is that you need to stimulate your clit...which you might do on top, but it's not the only way to do that. Anyway, loved her comment on that.

3 When Jill Hamilton asked why she wanted to do these, she said the most perfect thing I could imagine her saying. She said, "I want to be part of the discussion about sex and...I want to tell women that most women don't come from penetration and that they can be honest about what they need." 

Yes, sweet tiny baby jesus, yes. She has accurate, orgasm equality style knowledge about how women actually orgasm, and she wants to make room for that in the cultural conversation. That's what I'm talking about. That's the real Orgasm Equality Revolution, baby; a slow, informed, push back from inside the commercial and popular taste-makers of the sexual culture. I couldn't be happier.

4 I also really liked their discussion about ridiculousness. I thought their perspective was spot-on and thoughtful about the element of humor and absurdity in these sex position lists. It's not that they don't take these seriously, in fact I think it was clear they do take the responsibility of these quite seriously, but that there is a playful humor they all accept and enjoy that makes these lists the institution that they are. I think these ladies quite thoughtfully and actively work to balance the fun/absurd/hilarious element of these with the reality that people actually learn and are influenced by these. It's a tricky rope to walk, but when done right it can push boundaries, change minds and revolutionize the way future generations interact with female orgasm...all while sliding it easily into people's minds with the slick lube of humor.

And you know what? I think largely, they're getting it right. There are lots of lists that speak specifically to the clit as the orgasm maker, and in almost every list there's at least one mention of getting some clit stim so that you can come. It's a far cry from what was going on there in my teen years.

*Bonus* Some Sex Position List Examples For Your Enjoyment
I've looked at pretty much every one of these from the last yearish, and here's some of my fave Orgasm Equality highlights. All the quotes are from Ms. Jill Hamilton.

5 Sex Positions For Enhanced Clitoral Stimulation
"Because just getting on top doesn't magically give you orgasms "  - right?

6 Sex Positions To Try If You Can't Orgasm From Penetration Alone: Because Very Few Women Can
"If you can't have an orgasm through P-in-V alone — which, by the way, means you're completely NORMAL — you're going to need to get a hand or toy involved so your clit gets the love it needs."

So, full disclosure, I was a guest consultant for this one, but prior to that, these Cosmo gals decided they should be doing a list of this kind, and that's truly awesome, my friends.

11 Orgasmic Sex Positions That Are Even Better With A Vibrator
"For those of us who don't have one of those magic, super-sensitive vaginas that's multi-orgasmic with a few thrusts of the P-in-V, the next best thing — and possibly an even better thing — is bringing a small, bullet vibrator into your sex life. The combination of feeling him inside you, plus the dependable love of your vibrator on your clit is ... well, it's fucking amazing, my friends." 

I mean, what I love most about what Jill said here is that she wasn't all like, 'this could work for you people who can't come the right way and need 'extra' ' - which is how the clit is normally brought up in intercourse advice. No, she was all like - 'for all of us who aren't special snowflakes of sex, we get the privilege of enjoying a vibrator during intercourse...and it's hot.' That's the kind of tone I'm talking about, people.

Three-some positions that are actually good for her
I guess I just love this because MMF threesomes are always depicted as sooo male centric. Numbers 1, 2, and 3 here all specifically put the clit into play.

5 Dorm room sex positions that every college student needs in her life
From #3 'Twin Bed Tryst'
"He'll come in from behind, doing a reacharound for you if he's a keeper." 

#5 'Desk-side Get-down' was a doggy over the desk that included using a vibe

New-Parent Sex Positions
Both 1 and 3 include some mutual masturbation, baby! You know how much I love mutual masturbation.

Deep penetration
This is one about deep thrusting, and I do enjoy that it mentions that too much is too much, because that is just plain true.

#1 'Deep Impact'
"He may find spots you didn't know you had, and if he doesn't, squirt a little dollop of lube on his fingers so he can cup his hand over your clit, giving you a long smooth rub with every thrust."

#2 'The Wheelbarrow'
Since it's a bit athletic, Jill gives another modified version and says, "Best rec with this is trying the first version, just to have done it, but finishing in the second way, so you can relax and give yourself some clit love."

5 Sex Positions You Need In Your Life If You Love Cookies
Umm, this is just kinda hilarious - embracing the absurd. Also, I do love cookies and would love to eat them while I orgasm, so bravo...although I really would have liked to see one that was just him eating her out while she ate a cookie. In fact, that should be in every list...but sometimes it should be ice cream maybe.

5 Positively perfect period positions
From #3 'Red Team Rocker'
"He opens your legs slightly to enter you from behind. Feel free to rub yourself with your hand, grind against a pillow or pop a bullet vibe between your legs."

From #4 'Ride The Cotton Pony'
"He can rub your clit or hold a vibe onto you as he thrusts."

Jill also says something to the effect of 'fuck it - do whatever you want because periods are normal,' in this list, which I appreciate as well.

5 Sweet and sultry sex positions for your first time
From #2 'Lovin' Spoonful'
"...plus if you'd like, you have a free hand for rubbing yourself at the same time."

From # 3 'The Lap Waltz'
This is a woman on top position meant to help the newly intercoursing lady control the depth and angle and thus not induce pain, but it also says something quite clit-useful, "Once you get the hang of it, you can gyrate, grind against him..." -with your clit!

5 Positions to try if your partner is smaller than you
3 of 5 of these positions specifically mention getting at the clit during it, and a 4th one is said to position you "for whatever mouth, fingers, strap-on or penis is headed your way"...so oral sex counts as clit love too.

5 Perfect positions for pegging your man
From the intro:
"Also — v. important! — make sure you get equipment that's going to do something for you too. Try a harness with a spot to hold a bullet vibe against your clit (like a Corsette.)"

5 Rusty trombone positions that will change EVERYTHING
Given the reality of the rusty trombone situation, most of these involve one's mouth on a dude's butthole and a hand on his dick. Butt :), as a final example of Jill's style, I'd like to point out that position #5 is described as, "you getting yours," and involves a mouth on a lady's butthole with a hand cupping the vulva (specifically thumb in the vag and a few fingers rubbing the outside). That's keepin' it real, Jill.

1977 Hustler Review Series #1: Advice & Consent

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So there is a fab lady named Jill Hamilton. She made it into the Orgasm Equality Allies List a good while ago for her various writings. She's awesome and she's goddamn funny. She writes the blog In Bed With Married Women, which you will not regret reading.

Now here's where Hustler comes in. She had a give away on her blog, and we readers had to comment and tell her what we wanted so she could pick randomly and ship shit out to us. I saw she had a vintage Hustler, and so I asked - nay begged - for it. I promised to both SSL Review it cover to cover and to also masturbate to it. She chose me, but not randomly. It was because she wanted me to do all those things, and do them I will!

I received the September 1977 issue of Hustler in the mail. It was a good day. On my first quick scan, I must admit, my modern sensibilities were...well...a bit shocked. I'll get into some of that in later posts, but let me just say I really never fully understood where the term Chester the Molester came from, and now I certainly do. For now, though, I'm simply going to look into the advice section and give a little SSL Review. This, my friends, is merely the beginning - enjoy!

Advice and Consent (p111-112)

Clearly this is the advice section where readers write in and get answers. They warn at the beginning that this advice doesn't replace advice and care of a doctor, but it doesn't say who is actually writing the advice. It's edited by someone named Susi Green though. I'm going to copy down word for word each of the SSL Reviewable questions/answers and add a quick SSL review at the end of each one. Just as a reminder, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussion and/or depiction of female orgasm and/or female masturbation in media (usually I do this for movies or TV not magazines, though). I will particularly pay attention to the realism and scientific accuracy of the depiction/discussion and how it fits within the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and female sexuality.

1

    My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years and we have a two-year-old daughter. We don't have sex every night, but when we do, I have a hard time coming. He has no trouble at all. We've come to the conclusion that I've been trying too hard. Is this really possible? Is there anything I can do or take to help with this problem? 

N.S
Akron Ohio

It is possible to try too hard to achieve orgasm. Orgasm is a neurovascular reflex, and should not require concentration or conscious effort. Anxiety caused by failure to reach orgasm can inhibit physical response to sexual stimulation. A woman whose mind is filled with worry that she won't function as she thinks she must, or who has fears of inadequacy or abnormality, and is concerned about reaching orgasm probably will not. Orgasm is the result of physical and mental stimulation, and therefore must be felt rather than consciously achieved. Experimentation, either alone or with your partner, can help you discover what is most stimulating to you. Often a vibrator is useful in conditioning your sexual reflexes and revitalizing the nerves that carry the sensations to your brain. Concentrate your efforts on feeling pleasure and stimulation rather than achieving orgasm. Enjoy the sexual excitement and let your pleasure be your guide.

 SSL Review comments: Well, this is not so off base. The parts about how anxiety can block the natural progression of arousal and orgasm is pretty on-point. Focusing on what feels good and not worrying about how your body will or should react is a sensible plan of action. I also fully endorse their endorsement of investigation through masturbation and the use of a vibrator.

However, I think they miss, as most advice columns today also miss, an important discussion. Was this woman's outer clitoral/vulva area being stimulated sufficiently every single time these two had sex? I'm certain his penis was. If when she said 'sex,' she meant penis-in-vagina intercourse, and she was wondering why he had an easy time coming and she didn't, then the answer is not that she's trying too hard. It's that her organ of sexual please (the clit) is probably being largely ignored, and his organ of sexual pleasure (the penis) is getting constant, lovely, warm stimulation inside that vagina.

Seriously, intercourse does not female orgasm make. My advice to her would be to make sure she can orgasm through masturbation, and then work with her man to fully incorporate those things that make her orgasm during masturbation into their sex life.   For real though, if our culture ever really, truly let it sink in that outer clitoral/vuvla stimulation is what causes female orgasm (in the same way it is truly sunk in that penile stimulation is what men need to orgasm), there would be so fewer ladies out there writing into advice columns about why they are having trouble orgasming.

2

    I'm a male in my late 20's. Recently I met this women in her early 30's. When it came to sex she said the only thing that gives her pleasure was my using a vibrator on her. When we get in bed she doesn't enjoy my sucking on her breasts or going down on her. She stated quite bluntly that she only enjoys playing with herself. Should I drop her and stop wasting my time? 

H.S.
Brooklyn, New York

Yes. This woman apparently feels either conscious or subconscious contempt towards men, and through this type of sexual restriction is psychologically castrating them. It is obvious that she has psychological problems and needs professional help. It would also be a good idea for you to reconsider your feelings about sex. Your indecision may indicate possible masochistic tendencies.

 SSL Review comments: Uh, damn. Calm the hell down, ya'll. The dude never said she wouldn't allow him to orgasm or have intercourse with her. He just said that she was very clear about what things she liked done to her. For all we know, the two have the ol' intercourse, he gets off, and she does too...because he was stimulating her clit (HER ORGAN OF SEXUAL PLEASURE) with a vibrator. Honestly, what's at all wrong with that? I mean, I would encourage her to give a good pussy eatin' a second chance (am I right?), but that's something that can be worked up to. She probably had shitty experiences with it in the past. He's going to have to build some trust with her and put some work in. I'm sure she'll come (get it? come) around.

She's also probably over dudes fucking her with no external clitoral stimulation (and thus no orgasm for her), so she found a way to get off on the regular, and she's sticking with it. That's actually awesome. This dude probably just wants to be able to give more pleasure to her in the sexual relationship, and that's a valid want that could surely be worked on with communication.

But just for another perspective let me throw this out there. Maybe we're not getting the whole story here. Maybe this guy isn't really hearing this women. Maybe just because she wasn't into the things that he thinks should get her all excited and orgasm-y (like fucking her without a vibrator), he thinks she's not into anything, but clearly she's into him using a vibrator on her. Is that not good enough? Also, maybe he's bad at the stuff he's trying to do to her but he's an ass and won't try new things or things her way. Maybe he isn't taking directions or criticism well so he just gets indignant and starts writing to Hustler about how ridiculous she is. Maybe he's sucking too hard on her nipples or she's told him a thousand times she doesn't get much from nipple stimulation (lots of women don't) but he won't listen because he likes to suck nipples and likes to feel like he's getting the woman off doing it, or maybe when he eats her out he keeps trying to just stick his tongue in and out of her hole instead of focusing on her clit area (sadly, it happens more than it should). Maybe she's the one that should leave his ass. Maybe Hustler should have told him to talk and listen to her and work on trying new things from time to time instead of calling her a psycho man hater and him a masochist. I don't know, just another take on it, ya know?

3

    My wife and I have a great sex life. For the past year or so she has been sucking me off while I lick her soft, hairy bunny and enjoy her coming three or four times. I usually only come once. Is there something wrong with me because I only cimax once compared to my wife's three or four?

    A couple of years ago I got hung up with a fantastic 38-year-old chick, and in an hour I could come three times. She had to be a pro, because she was so adept and never let up on me. Do you think a change more often would help me? 

R.C.
Southington, Connecticut

You don't need help - in fact , millions of men would be glad to have your "problems." Women are much more capable of having multiple orgasms than men, while men are much more capable of achieving orgasm every time they engage in sex. The average man is capable of one ejaculation per session without straining himself. The novelty of a new sexual relationship and an especially exciting woman can boost your sexual ability - temporarily. As the newness wears off, though, so does the perpetual hard-on. Only about 7 percent of all men are consistently capable of multiple orgasms. Women who regularly  climax three or four times are almost as rare as sexual supermen. You should quit trying to set sexual records and count your blessings.

SSL Review comments: First off, men are actually not much more capable of achieving orgasm every time they engage in sex - at least not in like a natural or biological sense. Women can orgasm during masturbation as quickly easily and reliably as men do. Problem is that mostly when men and women have sexual encounters, they have vaginal intercourse with little to no clitoral stimulation - so realistically women don't orgasm as much. But if most of the sex men had didn't involve sufficient stimulation of the penis, men would be in the same boat women are. Just wanted to make that clear.

Otherwise, I'm actually kinda bored by this one. I don't feel much like talking about it. Men can have multiple orgasms too. It seems to be when they are able to hold their ejaculation (orgasm and ejaculation are different things in both men and women) till the last orgasm. For women it happens for some, but it's not like a marathon event. It's like a few more orgasms very close together or one orgasm that lasts a bit longer (20 seconds - a minute) than men's usually do. So, whatever. Orgasms are nice. Enjoy what you got. Try new things if you want to experiment. That is all.

4

    Since my girlfriend is a great lay, we spend most of our time in bed. I've never seen anyone like her. With other girls, when they would come, I would sometimes feel a little flutter in their vaginas. My girlfriend's pussy squeezes my cock like it was trying to choke it. It feels great, and lasts about a minute. Is that normal? 

A.M. Boston, Massachusetts 

This is perfectly normal. When a female experiences orgasm, the muscles of the vagina contract at least three or four times, and some do so fifteen times or more. The strength and duration of these contractions vary from woman to woman.

SSL Review comments: It's true. The vagina will rhythmically contract during orgasm. It's because for both men and women, the pelvic muscles tense during arousal and then release that tension with rhythmic contractions at orgasm, and there are subtle differences between each person's strength rhythm and amount of contractions. The contraction of those muscles will contract the anus for everyone. For men it squeezes the urethra and helps project the ejaculate out (because most of the time for men, orgasm and ejaculation happen at pretty much the same time). For women it squeezes the vaginal canal and the uterus and all that.

Anyway, so yeah the vagina squeezes rhythmically during orgasm, but can dudes always feel that with their dick? I don't know. An engorged dick is actually not that sensitive. A finger would probably feel it way better. Was he saying that his girlfriend's vag just straight squeezed it for like a minute? That's kinda wierd because a minute long orgasm is pretty long and the squeezing would be rhythmic, not really like it was choking it. Maybe she's got a strong pus, but let's not throw out the possibility that she heard somewhere that the vagina constricts at orgasm and so while this dude was banging her vagina and ignoring her clit, she faked her orgasm with an intentional strong squeezing of his dick for as long as she could keep it up - and maybe that's why it feels so strong...because intentionally squeezing your pussy creates a lot more pressure than an orgasm, me thinks.

Bonus non-SSL Reviewable one, just because...:

    I am 57 years old and I love my wife's snatch. Seven years ago I lost an eye and I haven't been able to get a hard on since. Is there any help for me? 

J.K.
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin

There may be help for you. The loss of an eye may have a psychological effect on you, or there may have been slight brain damage that was not detected at the time. Close examination of the sex organs, nervous system and spine may disclose an impairment. If no physical problem is found, psychological investigation may help you learn to cope with your loss and regain your sexual ability. 

Science, Sex and The Ladies at Alternet and Salon.com!

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I'm not making excuses (I actually am making excuses), but I haven't posted the last couple days because I got home from my 3 months of day-job science business in Brazil on Saturday (no more Brazilian breakfast buffets and living in a hotel, no!!!), and I had to pack up and move out of my house beginning immediately (movin' closer into the city!).


It's been a little insane the last couple days, and on top of all that, SSL got a kick-ass article at Alternet Saturday morning, and then it got picked up by Salon on Monday. Jill Hamilton wrote the article - you might know her from a blog called In Bed With Married Women. It's funny as shit. I would check it out if I were you. I can't thank her enough for seeing this crazy as doc, and wanting to write about on some established, motha fuckin' sites. I mean Salon and Alternet are kinda bigtime for this mom n' pops deal we got goin on here. It upped our Vimeo and IndieFlix views, well, a lot, and we got tons of emails about small screenings, and other fun shit. Point is, all that stuff made having to move in weather far colder than I am now accustomed, after almost no sleep during a 20 our travel period much, much more exciting that it would have been. But, seriously, my seat would not go back even slightly on the 8 hour flight from Sau Paulo to Miami, and that sucked. I never have trouble sleeping on planes...or in classes...or in cars...or standing up, but I couldn't sleep at all, and there were only like 6 movies available - I had only not seen Taken 3.

That was my Brazilian bathroom, complete with Portuguese flashcards on the mirror.  

There was some good comment threads on the Alternet one. I always have to get my hands in there. I can't have random nay-saying comments hanging out there that can easily be answered and talked about civilly. So, that took up some time too, but it was fun. I'll do a post on those comments soon. Someone told me they wished I'd just shut up - she was a bit fighty, that one. Now, that would normally make my stomach turn into knots, but it doesn't anymore. I think I've grown, my friends. I just try to be nice and honest, and usually people are back, but when they're not, no biggie. I leaned that I've gained that ability this weekend, so that's another good thing to have come of all this.

Back to work...Go check out the Alternet and the Salon posts. It'll be fun.

India vs. Australia vs. Canada vs. UK: SSL Small Screening International Premiere

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As you might have known, Science, Sex and the Ladies is making its way around the country doing small private screenings, hosted by people who just want to share this movie and the conversation this movie evokes with their friends. It's been super cool talking with all the people who've contacted me about these screenings - finding out where they heard about it, hearing about them and their interesting endeavors, and then sending the movie off to their neck of the woods. We've sent to Brooklyn, Michigan, Oregon, Los Angeles, San Francisco, D.C, right here in Indy and more. Then, all of the sudden, I started getting some international inquiries, and I was a little flabbergasted.

They mostly seemed to find us through Reddit posts and the write-up SSL got on the In Bed with Married Women blog - so much thanks to Jill Hamilton over there. The first was from India, then Australia, then Canada, then the UK. All these women were just so damn cool and funny and gung-ho about female sexuality. I love that I have the chance to meet them, and I love that one of them will be hosting SSL's international debut.

India and Australia went out the same day, but India's took longer than we thought to get there. We were biting our nails waiting, but just Thursday, I got word that the eagle had landed. Australia received their copy about a week earlier. Canada should get the drop any day now, and the UK has about 7 days left (She's on holiday anyway, so I fear the Brits ain't gonna win this one.)

Honestly, I feel that India is the most tenacious, but as we all know, getting people together all at once can take more than tenacity and determination...sometimes, my friends, it takes time...so who knows what will happen. I will, of course, keep you posted. And, ya know, no matter what, each of these women will be hosting the premiere for their own country, so at least there's that.

In Bed With Married Women, or Where Science, Sex and the Ladies Is

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Well, you just never know what you'll find over at In Bed With Married Women, now do you? It might be wearable vaginas, or the Onahole, Dinosaur Erotica, or maybe - just maybe, it'll be Science, Sex and the Ladies, in a fantastically titled post How to Make a Woman Come--Even If You Are That Woman. AKA Things I Learned from Science, Sex and the Ladies . I quite like the title.

This is dinosaur erotica - just in case you thought it didn't exist

Here's a little snippet of her post, but you should go on over there to check it out fully. Thanks to Jill Hamilton for watching the movie and writing this up. She's a pretty funny gal. Plus, event though she probably wouldn't use the term Orgasm Equality Movement, but she's certainly supported it in the past.

I learned all kinds of things from Science, Sex, and the Ladies, up to and including:

--I couldn't tell a whit of difference between the photos of the Aroused Clitoris and Unaroused Clitoris (possible future lesbian lovers: you have been forewarned.) 

--Women have their strongest orgasms by their own hand, second strongest with someone else's hand, and weakest via fucking and the frustratingly indirect stimulation of a penis rubbing-near-but-not-quite-exactly-where-you-need-it. 

 --Contrary to popular belief, women don't take forever to come. Women come as quickly as easily as men, given the right stimulation. Men would also take forever to come if they were only being stimulated by, say, someone diligently rubbing their pubic hair.

My favorite part of the film depicted scenes of people engaged in various forms of sexual congress--a blow job, fucking, etc...--when a cheery actress would walk into the each scene and advise the female participant to "Rub one out!" to enhance her experience. It was fun, breezy and educational--like a particularly racy episode of The Electric Company.

I actually do wish this was the sort of stuff young people saw. And, while I'm at it, I wish more sex scenes depicted women being stimulated realistically, in the way that women actually need to be stimulated, so that women would no longer have to think they were somehow broken, doing it wrong or hadn't yet found the proper dick.