Cosmo October 2018 - The SSL Review

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For fun and good times, I picked up a Cosmo a while back that had a bunch of sex stuff on the cover. Actually it wasn't for fun and good times. It was so I could SSL Review it. So, that's what I'm doing so I can finally throw it out (I love to throw things out). It is the October 2017 issue, and it Touts "76 Sex Secrets!" including "Toys That Hit The Spot" "4 Hidden Moan Zones" and "Hot Solo Sex Tricks"

To start out, I'd like to say that I don't know what The Spot is. The only spot that needs hit really is the clit, and all vibrators got that going for them. You just press it on there. Hell even electric tooth brushes can handle that. I think they're just being coy, trying to conjure up in women's minds all the ambiguous, bullshit 'spots' they're supposed to be hitting during sex. It's cheap.

The hidden moans zones, everyone: Your brain, your vulva, your core, and your voice. Outside of the fact that they are calling them 'moan zones' I kinda respect what they did with the content here...except for the coregasm stuff, but we'll get into that.

Hot solo sex trick? Not that hot and not that tricky. It's really just an article about basic masturbation and that you should do it and it's good. I mean, I'm all for it, but let's not go too far with the promises.

Also, I have no idea where the 76 number comes from. I wonder if they counted every single little piece of advice in the 3 article sex-section spread and put that on the cover. I assumed there would be like a bit list or something, but there is not...so don't be looking for it.

The Overall
I mean, yes, they talk about masturbation as good. Yes, there's talk of the importance and sensitivity of the clit. But, there's also this focus on a coregasm where you orgasm from ab work, and there's an little blip about boosting your vaginas mood, and there's also talk about masturbating by ramming a dildo into you to stimulate the G-spot. So, in the end, this Cosmo is just like most other sex-positivey women's sex advice...it's a big ol' mix of confusing where a woman gets the same fucked up message she always gets - Orgasms come from everywhere!

They don't. Female orgasms come from the clitoral gland area in the same way that male orgasms come from the penis. There has never been a study in peer reviewed scientific literature that showed stimulation inside the vagina causing a physical orgasm. It's true. So, G-spots, inner clit-legs, cervix stimulation, even core workouts...that shit has NEVER been shown to cause orgasm, yet we talk about these things as much - no more - than we talk about the clit. I swear, if men had advice after advice their whole life in all kinds of media focusing on their balls, perineum, and asshole whenever orgasm was alluded to more than on the penis...dudes would be confused as hell too.

Point is, this article is a mixed review when it comes to its discussion on coming. That means it doesn't have a clear, fact based point of view on female orgasm, which means, frankly it's part of the problem. Talking about correct things like the clit's relation to orgasm and the importance of masturbation is great, but if in the same breath there is discussion about the g-spots relation to orgasm or other non-verified lady-gasm methods, all the good is erased because women still get the sense that they should be orgasming by getting their vag banged or from the many other fake news orgasm methods that we see in porn, movies, books, and TV every day. Women still aren't getting accurate information, and nothing changes.

So that said, here's a list of noted lady-gasm, masturbation, or clit related items in this issue.

 They mentioned the CLIT! - The 2nd of the 4 Moan Zones is the Vulva.

Your outer genitalia needs more love. It's a key erogenous area - home of the clitoris, with some 8,000 nerve endings! - but some women ignore it altogether.

I mean it's not a key erogenous zone. It's the key erogenous zone. Do people describe the penis as a key erogenous zone for men, like it's not the king of male erogenous zones? Anyway, they did mention it, and I agree it needs more love (ALL THE LOVE!). They say women might ignore it largely because a lot of women are uncomfortable with how it looks. Maybe. Or maybe it's because we live in a culture that ignores it and all the sex and orgasms we see in media also ignores it, but it could also be our personal insecurities about our bodies too. That's usually what's wrong with us women, right? We just aren't mentally healthy and in touch with ourselves enough. But, point taken. We should look at our junk like they say. I do think a good hand mirror look is good for all ladies.

Get outta here with yer fuckin' coregasms - The 3rd Moan Zone is the core. This blurb wasn't really about having strong pelvic-floor muscles (the ones that contract during an orgasm) like I thought it would be. I could have gotten behind that. Instead it was about that IU researchers found that some women have orgasms from core workouts (this is from a survey - no physical tests here...so...). They recommend you engage your lower ab muscles, maybe hanging leg raises or 50-100 crunches will do, and it may exert pressure on your clitoris or contract your pelvic-floor muscles. they also say that even if you don't have an orgasm kissing the lower belly is erotic too!

You know Amy Schumer was on the Joe Rogan podcast when they told her about this study, and she said something I loved. "Okay, why don't I just rub my clit? What?...Like why all the...why all the work?" Indeed. Why are we fussing over a possibility of an orgasm from ab workouts that some women say they have when we could just rub our fucking clits. We don't put dudes through this kind of shit about their orgasms. We just work their penis. Done...maybe add some ball ticklling or a finger up the ass if we want to get fancy, but mostly just work the penis.

Also, I feel like it's all just a little confused.

During sex - especially girl on top or doggie-style - squeeze your ab and pelvic-floor muscles to make your orgasm even stronger, suggests Morse. "This will also create a tighter grip on your partner's penis - an incredible sensation for him."

Why especially during doggie or woman on top? Do they know that during orgasm your pelvic-floor muscles contract and release involuntarily (about 1 every .8 seconds!)? Will voluntarily squeezing the muscles during that time make it better? Do I give a shit if my pussy grip is tight enough while I'm trying to have an orgasm? That's a lot to worry about, people. Can we just rub our clits and let those muscles do what they want to do, please?

They said "The Orgasm Gap" - It was just in a 'Tips From Good-Sex Pioneers' thing and it was about Alexandra Fine CEO of Dame Products. They said she started the company "on a mission to end the orgasm gap between the sexes," I respect it. I am for anything or anyone trying to shorten that gap, but that's all they had to say about her or really about the nature of her toys.

Masturbation!  - They had a whole spread on masturbation, which I love. They say you should do it, "And why not? Masturbating is a healthy (and, hi, orgasmic) part of your self care." I'm not gonna disagree Cosmo.

The give some tips (are these the hot solo sex trick?) like *do it while no one is around and *set up a sexy scene when you do it and *check out some porn or erotica - you know real pro tips. But they also suggest

Right before you embark on the main event, touch yourself all over to build tension. "Stroke your feet, brush your hair, or softly run a feather over your skin," says Van Kirk. Doing so may intensify your orgasm.

I'm not so sure how sexy brushing your hair is, but yeah, I'll accept that the more arousal building one can do before orgasm the more intense it could be. That's what orgasms do, they release all the tension and blood congestion brought on by arousal, so the more there is the more there is to release.
 
No, maybe these are the Hot Solo Sex Tricks - They list 3 "upgraded positions"

Self Reflection: Kneel in front of a full-length mirror. watching yourself, use your pointer and middle fingertips to make small circles around your clitoris. some women say the 1 O'clock spot (up and to your left) packs the best feels, while others prefer a windshield wiping motion.

Cool with this one. Love it in fact. It's all about the clit and it's detailed.

Super-Hot Soaker: The next time you lather up, put a handheld showerhead into service. directing the stream onto your clitoris. thinking about sexy things - your last hookup, any of the Hemsworths - will make your one woman show worthy of a standing O-vation. 

 I get it O-vation. Anyway, I'm way down with this too.

Invisible Man: Pop a Dildo on a chair or the floor, kneel above it, and lower yourself onto it while holding it with one hand. Keep your stance wide for insane G-spot stim, or position your knees close for a tighter feel. Even if you don't climax, it will feel damn good to be in total control.

Bitch, why the fuck am I masturbating if I'm not gonna climax. If I wanna sit on a dick, I can find any rando who will let me do that. Please. Also, why does keeping your stance wide help with G-spot stimulation? Also, I totally get that some women like G-spot stimulation. There is an area we call the G-spot in the vagina that butts up against the urethra and the female prostate, and it has been shown to get swollen and be stimulated to ejaculation. I said ejaculation, not orgasm. Two different things that are often mixed up. G-spot stimulation has never been shown to cause orgasm. Some women have been able to ejaculate to it, and some of them like that. The G-spot is not a magical in-the-vagina button that causes orgasms, though. However, when advice or anything like this talks about G-spot stimulation and climaxing or orgasming without being clear about what the G-spot has actually been shown to do (ejaculation for some but never orgasm), then that advice is piling on to the mountain of information given to women thorughout their whole lives that makes it seem like we should all be orgasming from getting fucked, and it just plain is not true. So fuck this masturbation tip. It all would have been fine if they mentioned her stimulating her clit while she bobbed on her chair dildo.

Vibrator List -

Thrusting Action Jack Rabbit  - Just like a real dude, it has a natural feeling head and can thrust in and out (at six speeds)

but unlike a real dude, it has vibrating rabbit ears to hit your clit while it's thrusting...

Luvit - The OG inventors released this improved silicone version with five clitoral "ticklers" on the ear.

Exactly. Now we're talking about the right shit.

Ina Wave - The shaft waves back and forth in a come-hither motion that's excellent for hitting your G-spot at an orgasmic pace.

First off - Did I not just go over that it's irresponsible to say that G-spot can be hit at an orgasmic pace, because stimulating the G-Spot has never been shown to cause orgasms...only ejaculations. Secondly, This has a vibrating part that stimulates the clit while the other part is inside as well. I think we're not talking about that enough. Thirdly, if the writers had their shit together and were talking about this G-spot stimulation correctly as ejaculation inducing instead of orgasm inducing, then the come-hither motion would make sense. That is often said to be a good way to elicit ejaculation from G-spot stim.

Nova - The super flexible bunny ear can bend against your body for seamless clitoral contact. 

Good. All these damn bunny-ear-style vibrators should have seamless clit contact. That's how a bitch comes.

Sex Q&A -

What's a fun way to use a foam roller in bed?

Okay, fair enough sex question. They say it can prop up the lower back for oral - so he gets a better angle on the lady junk. I'm down with that. Also they say you can use it to

prop up your booty in missionary by positioning it under your lower back, suggests sex coach Amy Levine. This angle means you'll feel him extra deep against your g-spot, and the rolling motion it allows will make his thrusting smoother.

We're back talking about the G-spot again, like it's some amazing orgasmic thing to hit. They didn't say it would cause orgasm in this quote at least, but the insinuation was there. Also, I don't think they know where the G-spot is. It's not deep at all. It's inside towards the stomach only a few inches. A curved index finger can reach it...You don't need a dick in there extra deep to hit the G-spot for some possible ejaculation time...in fact you don't need a dick at all. A finger probably works better.

Vulva Rating
Even though i respect some of the advice, the bad advice erases it, and I so expect more from a magazine that's for women. They need to get Ms. Jill Hamilton, who's writing the online cosmo sex positions to do the actual print stuff too. She knows what's up.

This Magazine gets 1 1/2 vulvas out of 5

(!)(!

SSL Advice On Best Sex Positions for Female Orgasm

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Positions for Lady-gasm During Intercourse Advice is Bullshit
I was writing another blog post and started thinking about the type of advise women tend to get from sexperts in magazines and TV and internet about how to have orgasms hands-free during intercourse. What I thought was that it's some bull motha fuckin' shit. That's what I thought. Now granted there's some okay advise out there, but mostly it's not. Mostly, we ladies just get told how to squish and bend our physical needs into how sex is supposed to be rather than expand sex to mean things that meet our physical needs. I mean, it's not surprising. That's how it goes with ladies and sex . The 'norm' of sex and sexuality and sex drive and sexual imagery is all stuck revolving around male hetero desires, fantasies and orgasms. We ladies and our orgasms, fantasies and desires tend to be  afterthoughts - if thought of at all.

Anyway, this hypothetical sexpert advice that I allege is widespread, but am too lazy to go on the internet and get some examples, often say things about positions during intercourse so that the base of the penis or the pelvis slides against her clit or touches the clit on each entrance or each exit. I'm always, like, 'yeah, that's cool, but some dude's intermittent body pressure against my clit while he moves in ways that feel good for him ain't gonna do shit.' That body to clit touching already happens by chance a million times a day to a million different women as they take the D, yet still most women don't orgasm during intercourse AT ALL.

Ladies, if you want to orgasm during intercourse, you must stimulate your clit in a manner that would get you off...and do it while you have a dick up in you. 
That's how you will orgasm during intercourse. That shit is not going to happen while you lay motionless and let a man pump in and out of you. It's not going to happen while you ignore your clit, but bounce up and down enthusiastically on a dick. It's not even going to happen when a guy tries to do all the positions that keep your clitoral/vuvla area rubbing against his body while he fucks you. Okay, it might here or there during one of those things, but if it does, thank the stars because you got lucky and you won't know when it will happen again because you are not in control and aren't actively a part of the process to bring yourself to orgasm. We ladies got to actively move our hips and position our bodies in ways that give us the stimulation we need to orgasm. We know what feels right. We can make it happen...as long as we have willing partners that works with us and not against us, of course.

There is a refusal to acknowledge intercourse is good for male orgasm but not female
The thing is, I don't think many women or men know that the clit needs to be stimulated in order for a woman to orgasm, and they don't think about incorporating it into their sex. Or...people know that clits are REALLY important to female orgasm and know good and well how women masturbate (spoiler: it's with clit stimulation), but some kind of fucked up, mind-controlling, mass-hallucination spell keeps our brains from fully putting 2 and 2 together when it comes to our own personal sexual interactions. Like, "yeah clits are important and great, but...intercourse!" And then the active thinking ends.

I'm kinda over the top here, but I'm also quite serious. There is a block we people have about this. I know I had it real strong, and I see it all the time in how people talk. Annamarie Jagose hit the nail on the head when she wrote about the strange pervasive refusal for our culture to fully, specifically, truly acknowledge that the well known problem of women not orgasming as much as men will never end until we finally stop beating around the bush and admit that the idea of intercourse being mutually orgasmic for women as well as men is fantasyland.

But as a culture we have not admitted that yet. And that's why we get so much advise about male-female sex that acknowledges the importance of the clit to female orgasm (and really I'm just picking at the most progressive ones that even recognize the clit at all. There are plenty that completely ignore the clit and just tell women to get the dick in there the right way and hit the G-spot right or something), but doesn't go all the way and admit that the clit is not just important to female orgasm; it is female orgasm just like the penis is male orgasm. You don't hear people going around saying, "Now remember, the penis can be very important to most men's orgasm." Because that's obvious as fuck and you'd have to be a dumbshit sexpert to say something so obvious. We're too focused on intercourse and ignorant about the clit to have that kind of obvious knowledge about female orgasm, even though it is pretty obvious and we could acknowledge that...because contrary to popular belief, the female orgasm is not more mysterious or fickel than the male orgasm.

So, here's my take on how this advise should go.

The SSL Advice on Good Lady-gasm Positions During Intercourse
Hi ladies and gentlemen! Do you want to know what positions can help get a woman off during intercourse? Here's the down and dirty details that will set your love life on fire!

Here's the secret, ladies:

Do whatever the hell you need to do to get his body pressed in the appropriate way against your clit area (while still having his penis inside your vagina so you can technically say you orgasmed during intercourse) and then grind your hips however you need to for as long as you need until you come. 

Here's some points to remember:

• It's very likely you will need to fight against his instincts to move in a particular way that his dick likes or that he think you likes. You may need to physically hold him still against you while you grind off or straight up tell him to stop pumping for a goddamn second so you can get some fucking clit time already. It might take some training. He may forget what you have clearly said and again start doing whatever he wants to, but keep at it and remember, there is a lifetime of bad habits habit and a culture full of wrong information inside both of you to overcome!

• You're going to actually have to know what it feels like to make yourself come before you get to this point. During sex with a sweaty man pumping on you is not the way to learn how you can grind your clit into an orgasm. If you have never masturbated, this probably ain't gonna work for you. Go masturbate. Take as long as you need, try whatever. Be by yourself. Stick with it. If you practice, practice, practice, you can be ready to adapt your method to the less than ideal situation of having a dude who's trying to come be all up in your grill while you try and make it happen.

• If you're worried about if your movements are wierd or bothering to your partner, then grow a pair of lips and just decide to get over it. Fuck his orgasm. He won't have any problem figuring out how to move his penis in your vagina to make himself come. He'll be alright. I promise. You do you. I feel pretty certain you've already spent too many months, years, decades not getting yours when you could have been. Don't waste another day. And if he gets shitty about it, fuck that guy. 

• Or, for real, just rub one out while he's in you. It's awesome, and it's ridiculous that it even needs to be said. It should be obvious and common and we shouldn't even worry about whether or not there's a dick in you when you rub yourself off during a sexual encounter. But we as a culture do give a shit, so here's the trick: Don't give a shit if it's easy or not for him to get off using your vagina during it. Just get in a position where 1) you can reach your clit with a hand or vibrator; 2) you have good range of motion; 3) it doesn't cause hand/arm/body pain or fatigue if you are working that clit for any length of time. 4) there's a dick in you so you can technically say you came during intercourse. Then rub, grind, or vibrate (and ignore your partner if you have to) until you come.

• Or, and hear me out here, maybe don't worry about whether his dick is inside you and just make sure your clit gets stimulated appropriately to orgasm. 'Cause that's an option too.

There. Lucky you. Now you are ready to find great sex positions for your orgasm!

1977 Hustler Review Series #1: Advice & Consent

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So there is a fab lady named Jill Hamilton. She made it into the Orgasm Equality Allies List a good while ago for her various writings. She's awesome and she's goddamn funny. She writes the blog In Bed With Married Women, which you will not regret reading.

Now here's where Hustler comes in. She had a give away on her blog, and we readers had to comment and tell her what we wanted so she could pick randomly and ship shit out to us. I saw she had a vintage Hustler, and so I asked - nay begged - for it. I promised to both SSL Review it cover to cover and to also masturbate to it. She chose me, but not randomly. It was because she wanted me to do all those things, and do them I will!

I received the September 1977 issue of Hustler in the mail. It was a good day. On my first quick scan, I must admit, my modern sensibilities were...well...a bit shocked. I'll get into some of that in later posts, but let me just say I really never fully understood where the term Chester the Molester came from, and now I certainly do. For now, though, I'm simply going to look into the advice section and give a little SSL Review. This, my friends, is merely the beginning - enjoy!

Advice and Consent (p111-112)

Clearly this is the advice section where readers write in and get answers. They warn at the beginning that this advice doesn't replace advice and care of a doctor, but it doesn't say who is actually writing the advice. It's edited by someone named Susi Green though. I'm going to copy down word for word each of the SSL Reviewable questions/answers and add a quick SSL review at the end of each one. Just as a reminder, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussion and/or depiction of female orgasm and/or female masturbation in media (usually I do this for movies or TV not magazines, though). I will particularly pay attention to the realism and scientific accuracy of the depiction/discussion and how it fits within the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and female sexuality.

1

    My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years and we have a two-year-old daughter. We don't have sex every night, but when we do, I have a hard time coming. He has no trouble at all. We've come to the conclusion that I've been trying too hard. Is this really possible? Is there anything I can do or take to help with this problem? 

N.S
Akron Ohio

It is possible to try too hard to achieve orgasm. Orgasm is a neurovascular reflex, and should not require concentration or conscious effort. Anxiety caused by failure to reach orgasm can inhibit physical response to sexual stimulation. A woman whose mind is filled with worry that she won't function as she thinks she must, or who has fears of inadequacy or abnormality, and is concerned about reaching orgasm probably will not. Orgasm is the result of physical and mental stimulation, and therefore must be felt rather than consciously achieved. Experimentation, either alone or with your partner, can help you discover what is most stimulating to you. Often a vibrator is useful in conditioning your sexual reflexes and revitalizing the nerves that carry the sensations to your brain. Concentrate your efforts on feeling pleasure and stimulation rather than achieving orgasm. Enjoy the sexual excitement and let your pleasure be your guide.

 SSL Review comments: Well, this is not so off base. The parts about how anxiety can block the natural progression of arousal and orgasm is pretty on-point. Focusing on what feels good and not worrying about how your body will or should react is a sensible plan of action. I also fully endorse their endorsement of investigation through masturbation and the use of a vibrator.

However, I think they miss, as most advice columns today also miss, an important discussion. Was this woman's outer clitoral/vulva area being stimulated sufficiently every single time these two had sex? I'm certain his penis was. If when she said 'sex,' she meant penis-in-vagina intercourse, and she was wondering why he had an easy time coming and she didn't, then the answer is not that she's trying too hard. It's that her organ of sexual please (the clit) is probably being largely ignored, and his organ of sexual pleasure (the penis) is getting constant, lovely, warm stimulation inside that vagina.

Seriously, intercourse does not female orgasm make. My advice to her would be to make sure she can orgasm through masturbation, and then work with her man to fully incorporate those things that make her orgasm during masturbation into their sex life.   For real though, if our culture ever really, truly let it sink in that outer clitoral/vuvla stimulation is what causes female orgasm (in the same way it is truly sunk in that penile stimulation is what men need to orgasm), there would be so fewer ladies out there writing into advice columns about why they are having trouble orgasming.

2

    I'm a male in my late 20's. Recently I met this women in her early 30's. When it came to sex she said the only thing that gives her pleasure was my using a vibrator on her. When we get in bed she doesn't enjoy my sucking on her breasts or going down on her. She stated quite bluntly that she only enjoys playing with herself. Should I drop her and stop wasting my time? 

H.S.
Brooklyn, New York

Yes. This woman apparently feels either conscious or subconscious contempt towards men, and through this type of sexual restriction is psychologically castrating them. It is obvious that she has psychological problems and needs professional help. It would also be a good idea for you to reconsider your feelings about sex. Your indecision may indicate possible masochistic tendencies.

 SSL Review comments: Uh, damn. Calm the hell down, ya'll. The dude never said she wouldn't allow him to orgasm or have intercourse with her. He just said that she was very clear about what things she liked done to her. For all we know, the two have the ol' intercourse, he gets off, and she does too...because he was stimulating her clit (HER ORGAN OF SEXUAL PLEASURE) with a vibrator. Honestly, what's at all wrong with that? I mean, I would encourage her to give a good pussy eatin' a second chance (am I right?), but that's something that can be worked up to. She probably had shitty experiences with it in the past. He's going to have to build some trust with her and put some work in. I'm sure she'll come (get it? come) around.

She's also probably over dudes fucking her with no external clitoral stimulation (and thus no orgasm for her), so she found a way to get off on the regular, and she's sticking with it. That's actually awesome. This dude probably just wants to be able to give more pleasure to her in the sexual relationship, and that's a valid want that could surely be worked on with communication.

But just for another perspective let me throw this out there. Maybe we're not getting the whole story here. Maybe this guy isn't really hearing this women. Maybe just because she wasn't into the things that he thinks should get her all excited and orgasm-y (like fucking her without a vibrator), he thinks she's not into anything, but clearly she's into him using a vibrator on her. Is that not good enough? Also, maybe he's bad at the stuff he's trying to do to her but he's an ass and won't try new things or things her way. Maybe he isn't taking directions or criticism well so he just gets indignant and starts writing to Hustler about how ridiculous she is. Maybe he's sucking too hard on her nipples or she's told him a thousand times she doesn't get much from nipple stimulation (lots of women don't) but he won't listen because he likes to suck nipples and likes to feel like he's getting the woman off doing it, or maybe when he eats her out he keeps trying to just stick his tongue in and out of her hole instead of focusing on her clit area (sadly, it happens more than it should). Maybe she's the one that should leave his ass. Maybe Hustler should have told him to talk and listen to her and work on trying new things from time to time instead of calling her a psycho man hater and him a masochist. I don't know, just another take on it, ya know?

3

    My wife and I have a great sex life. For the past year or so she has been sucking me off while I lick her soft, hairy bunny and enjoy her coming three or four times. I usually only come once. Is there something wrong with me because I only cimax once compared to my wife's three or four?

    A couple of years ago I got hung up with a fantastic 38-year-old chick, and in an hour I could come three times. She had to be a pro, because she was so adept and never let up on me. Do you think a change more often would help me? 

R.C.
Southington, Connecticut

You don't need help - in fact , millions of men would be glad to have your "problems." Women are much more capable of having multiple orgasms than men, while men are much more capable of achieving orgasm every time they engage in sex. The average man is capable of one ejaculation per session without straining himself. The novelty of a new sexual relationship and an especially exciting woman can boost your sexual ability - temporarily. As the newness wears off, though, so does the perpetual hard-on. Only about 7 percent of all men are consistently capable of multiple orgasms. Women who regularly  climax three or four times are almost as rare as sexual supermen. You should quit trying to set sexual records and count your blessings.

SSL Review comments: First off, men are actually not much more capable of achieving orgasm every time they engage in sex - at least not in like a natural or biological sense. Women can orgasm during masturbation as quickly easily and reliably as men do. Problem is that mostly when men and women have sexual encounters, they have vaginal intercourse with little to no clitoral stimulation - so realistically women don't orgasm as much. But if most of the sex men had didn't involve sufficient stimulation of the penis, men would be in the same boat women are. Just wanted to make that clear.

Otherwise, I'm actually kinda bored by this one. I don't feel much like talking about it. Men can have multiple orgasms too. It seems to be when they are able to hold their ejaculation (orgasm and ejaculation are different things in both men and women) till the last orgasm. For women it happens for some, but it's not like a marathon event. It's like a few more orgasms very close together or one orgasm that lasts a bit longer (20 seconds - a minute) than men's usually do. So, whatever. Orgasms are nice. Enjoy what you got. Try new things if you want to experiment. That is all.

4

    Since my girlfriend is a great lay, we spend most of our time in bed. I've never seen anyone like her. With other girls, when they would come, I would sometimes feel a little flutter in their vaginas. My girlfriend's pussy squeezes my cock like it was trying to choke it. It feels great, and lasts about a minute. Is that normal? 

A.M. Boston, Massachusetts 

This is perfectly normal. When a female experiences orgasm, the muscles of the vagina contract at least three or four times, and some do so fifteen times or more. The strength and duration of these contractions vary from woman to woman.

SSL Review comments: It's true. The vagina will rhythmically contract during orgasm. It's because for both men and women, the pelvic muscles tense during arousal and then release that tension with rhythmic contractions at orgasm, and there are subtle differences between each person's strength rhythm and amount of contractions. The contraction of those muscles will contract the anus for everyone. For men it squeezes the urethra and helps project the ejaculate out (because most of the time for men, orgasm and ejaculation happen at pretty much the same time). For women it squeezes the vaginal canal and the uterus and all that.

Anyway, so yeah the vagina squeezes rhythmically during orgasm, but can dudes always feel that with their dick? I don't know. An engorged dick is actually not that sensitive. A finger would probably feel it way better. Was he saying that his girlfriend's vag just straight squeezed it for like a minute? That's kinda wierd because a minute long orgasm is pretty long and the squeezing would be rhythmic, not really like it was choking it. Maybe she's got a strong pus, but let's not throw out the possibility that she heard somewhere that the vagina constricts at orgasm and so while this dude was banging her vagina and ignoring her clit, she faked her orgasm with an intentional strong squeezing of his dick for as long as she could keep it up - and maybe that's why it feels so strong...because intentionally squeezing your pussy creates a lot more pressure than an orgasm, me thinks.

Bonus non-SSL Reviewable one, just because...:

    I am 57 years old and I love my wife's snatch. Seven years ago I lost an eye and I haven't been able to get a hard on since. Is there any help for me? 

J.K.
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin

There may be help for you. The loss of an eye may have a psychological effect on you, or there may have been slight brain damage that was not detected at the time. Close examination of the sex organs, nervous system and spine may disclose an impairment. If no physical problem is found, psychological investigation may help you learn to cope with your loss and regain your sexual ability. 

Dr. Ruth on Johnny Carson in 1982: The Culture of Lady-gasm Hasn't Changed Much :(

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First of, Antenna TV, people - amiright?!
Have I ever told you that I love Antenna TV? I don't have cable. I have my Netflix and Hulu and Amazon Prime, but maybe better than those are the random .2 and .3 over-air stations that have a strange and wonderful array of movies and shows. Antenna TV is on 59.2 here in Indy, and it has stuff like Sanford and Son, Maude, Family Ties, One Day at a Time and recently - random The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson episodes.

Dr. Ruth doin' the damn thing...the same damn thing we're doin' today
Well, it just so happened that Dr. Ruth Westheimer was on last night from the June 11, 1982 episode. And you know what? I realized that Lady-gasms are no better off now than they were when I was 2. Seriously. She basically told the same story you hear from every sex adviser these days. Men are asking how they can please the ladies and women are asking why they aren't pleased. The basic problem  of orgasm equality was there 30-some years ago, and it doesn't seem to have gotten better.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer

I don't have exact quotes because it was over the air and I can't rewatch to check my quotes, but when asked about who calls and what they say, she said something like:

I get calls from men who ask about women's sexual satisfaction, - 'how can I know if my partner's satisfied...if she had an orgasm.

She says she likes men asking that because it signifies a caring lover. Then this is what she said of women, well something like this - this is not an exact quote:

I have met many women who have never felt sexual gratification - been married 19 years and never...and they never touch themselves because they have been told good girls don't touch there and don't let their husbands touch there for the same reason...and they have vasocongestion that leaves them with bad feelings and that's why they say things like they are tired and try to avoid it altogether.

First off, I love that she uses the word vasocongestion. She's talking about the increased blood pooling down there during arousal, but all technical and shit. Basically she's saying these ladies get aroused, get the equivalent of blueballs because they're all full of blood down there but never 'sexually gratified' and then they're all like, 'fuck this bullshit that's supposed to be awesome, but actually sucks. I'm just gonna say I'm tired  - because I am. I'm tired of this shit.'

Fair enough hypothetical lady. Fair enough. But, can I quickly point out that this is an age-old problem that is still very, very much with us. Men and women do what they are supposed to, what's supposed to be mutually orgasmic. They have intercourse, but because of, well, women don't orgasm from vaginal stimulation, women rarely orgasm in this situation, and men almost always do (because they do orgasm from penile stimulation), and so over time with less sexual acts ending in orgasm for her than him, the excitement of the situation wears off for an otherwise sexually healthy woman, and her interest and desire for sex slowly decreases. It's the ol' 'wives don't like sex' schtick - that is still fodder for jokes because it's still laced with truth. It's sad for everyone involved.

The mountains of sex advisers like Dr. Ruth are just putting a band-aid on a gaping crater in our sexual culture
Dr, Ruth then goes on to say that something she advises is that people communicate about this gently and maybe over coffee or something - so one person telling the other what they liked and didn't as much. She thinks that guiding your partner's hands on your body where it feels good is a good way to communicate your needs. She also advocates that masturbation is normal and sometimes advises for people to masturbate together and maybe in bed together. She doesn't say the word clitoris directly, but through her discussion of masturbation and hand-guiding, it's clear that she sees the clit as important to a couple' sex life.

That is all good advise, and certainly anytime masturbation is advocated, I'm fully behind that, but for fuck sake, it's the same stuff people say now only there's a shit-ton more Dr. Ruth types all over the book shelves, TV, and internet pages saying it in all different ways. You can't swing a cat without hitting one (not that I would swing a cat. I love cats). So, why the hell has the orgasm gap not let up?

Why is it clear that women's bodies are not less able to orgasm than men's (we can masturbate as quickly easily and reliably as men) but somehow when we're with partners, we just aren't orgasming as much? If advise like Dr. Ruth was giving is that good and now there's even more of it than ever, why are women and men still asking in droves about how women orgasm, how you know women have orgasmed, and about how women can orgasm easier and more? Why is there still so much pain, ignorance, and insecurity about the female orgasm - which contrary to popular belief, really isn't rocket science? Why is this still happening?

Let's recap
In 1982:

• Women were not getting near the orgasms men were getting in the bedroom 
• Men and women both were worried about it
• Sex advisers advise communication, gentle experimentation, and thinking more about the clit during sex.

In 2016, 34 years later:

• SAME

In the 50's (check out the book American Sexual Character - a great discussion about this in the 50's):

• SAME

Since the early part of the 20th Century when 'experts' began really openly discussing the need for women to orgasm, this is the discussion that has been happening. There has always, certainly from the 50's on, been a cultural acknowledgement that the clit could and sometimes should be involved in sex for female satisfaction, but there has never been a deep change from the oh-so-strong societal mindset that that tells us: sex is intercourse and that intercourse is somehow as orgasmic for women as it is for men.

We need to flip the hell out of the goddamn script 
Without a change in that mindset, without a full acknowledgement that 1. women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, 2. that intercourse is not a sensible way to stimulate the clit, and 3. that the way our society has been depicting, discussing, teaching, advising on, and doing sex is simply not good for female orgasm (but super good for male orgasm), then we, as a society, will continue on this same stagnant path of women having too few orgasms and 'experts' giving advice that merely band-aids the problem instead of actually fixing it. WE ARE NOT GETTING TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM. Maybe sex advice like Dr. Ruth or the 1,000s of advisers like her might help one couple with their one problem, but no-one is really trying to bulldoze those cultural norms that ensure people will continue to have these problems over and over and over again by the millions.

****On a lighter note and as a fun bonus, 
let me mention a couple more things about Dr. Ruth and this episode:

• Here's something I didn't realize about Dr. Ruth. Clearly she was an icon in my very young youth. I remember using her name in jokes and stuff, but I never really listened to her. I was too young. Anyway, she felt it incredibly important to speak publicly about sex in a tasteful way, a way that is accurate and non-offensive because there are so many personal feeling on the matter out there in this country. It is something she reiterated over and over. It seemed like a real throwback sentiment - like the way turn of the century doctors used to reiterate how technical and non-titillating their work was so they would be taken seriously. However, even with all her emphasis on that sort of decorum, I still thought she sounded pretty much like any sex advise person you'd see on national TV today.

• In mentioning how normal self gratification is, she mentions that baby boys can be born with an erection and girls with lubrication in the vagina. I LOVE that she equates an erection with vaginal lubrication - because they should be equated. They are both the first signs of arousal (blood pooling in the genital region causes both those things), but I find it is rare to hear them spoken about that way - so much so that I sometimes wonder if some people giving sex advice really know how shit works down there.

What Does Dr. Phil Say about Female Orgasm???? I Knew You'd Want to Know.

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I thought some of you might be wondering what the world's most well-known living psychologist has to say about the female orgasm. So, because I care, I googled "dr. phil female orgasm," and immediately found his female orgasm page. It kinda sucks, but it's also kinda not the most craziest or outta wack advice. It's pretty close to what a lot of others are saying, but I will say it has a bit more emphasis than usual on the 'your lack of orgasm is definitely a personal problem' situation, which is fairly annoying. I'll let him talk, though.

Research shows that 90 percent of the problems women have in achieving orgasm stem from a psychological nature. That's good news because it's all about you and it can be overcome. Dr. Phil offers the following advice:

• If you can achieve an orgasm alone, but not with a partner, you may have performance anxiety.

• Being anxious, worried or feeling pressured to have an orgasm with your partner can work against you. Anxiety is an arousal response — it can cause tension. An orgasm is a relaxation response. Those two are incompatible.

• If you're wondering, "Am I doing this right? Is he judging me? Is he having fun? Does he like this?" during intercourse, the anxiety can take you away from your pleasure.

• Give yourself permission to change your internal dialogue. Say, "You know what? I am part of this exchange and I do have the right to ask for what I want. And I don't have to have expectancies that I have to perform in some way. I'm going to enjoy this." Give yourself permission to relax and go with the flow.

Okay, so let me just make a couple quick points:

• Wouldn't put money on the '90% of women's orgasm problems are psychological' thing. There's no citations here, and I'm just gonna be frank - it really doesn't make much sense.
• It's bullshit to jump straight to personal psychological issues. Women as a whole engage in an unfortunately ridiculous amount of sexual interactions that in no way involve stimulating their main organ of sexual pleasure - the clit. It's a reality that would seem simply preposterous if it were switched. Men having as many sexual acts that don't involve their penis as women do that don't involve their clit is unheard of. Given that there is clearly a widespread and under-discussed problem associated with not stimulating the appropriate genital areas, maybe that should be the most prominently considered thing on websites about helping women achieve orgasm.
• Still, there is an important psychological element that needs to be considered, but I would argue a huge component of that stems from the above problem about too much sex with too little clit lovin'. Women do engage in a lot of sex throughout their lives that doesn't involve orgasm, so it is not crazy to think that female bodies learn to become aroused during sexual interactions with much more trepidation than male bodies. I mean if your body and mind only associate the beginning parts of sex with an eventual orgasm 70%, 50%, 30% of time or less, then the mind and body might start associating sex with a chore instead of something that is sexually arousing. Where there is no arousal, there is no orgasm, so psychologically training yourself to start associating sex with sexual arousal again could be important, but let's be clear here - that would include beginning to have physically more arousing sex on a more every-single-time kinda basis than was being had before, so the physical element is still quite important. 
• I agree that anxiety takes away from pleasure. In particular, anxiety can inhibit the physical process of sexual arousal, and since the orgasm is a release of the muscle tension and blood pooling brought on by arousal, then no arousal, no orgasm. Also, his second statement about anxiety, arousal, orgasm and relaxation uses those words in really confusing ways. Although I think I understand what was meant by it, and it seems fine, I would just ignore that one. 
• I completely agree that giving one's self permission to enjoy sex, to really be part of the activities, and to ask for what one wants is super important. I also love the idea that one should rid themselves of expectancies  about performing a certain way. Love it. However, I really think all of that advice turns into useless shit if there is not proper understanding among both people about how women orgasm and about how huge of a wall our culture has created blocking that understanding.
• I'd say that first one this way.  If you can achieve an orgasm alone, but not with a partner, it's probably because you are rubbing your clitoral/vuvla area when you masturbate and getting your vagina boned when you have sex. 

Dr. Phil's statements are followed by information from a few other sources, and actually there's a bit more talk about the importance of the clit there. However, as with pretty much all sex advice, taken all together it seems like the clit is just an extra thing that the unlucky among us must utilize to get the orgasms we should be getting from our vag's - and that's bullshit.

Go Ask Alice...To Flip a F-ing Table Over If She Has To Answer This Bullshit Again

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So, I was googling "Lady Orgasm" just to see what might pop up to quickly write about - cause, hey, you never know what "Lady Orgasm" might bring you. And, seriously, I need to get a post up quick cause I ain't got the time right now, ya'll. Anyway, Columbia University has a site called Columbia Health, and there is section called Go Ask Alice! that answers peoples (probably mostly student's) health questions. Well, the first page of my google search took me to a grouping of these questions originally published in 2001 about women not feeling much from vaginal intercourse. Here are the questions.

(1)Dear Alice,I am a sexually active female, but I can't reach orgasm when having sex with my boyfriend. Can you help me out? Thanks.— Yearning(2)Hello Alice,I am 28 years old. I've had a problem for years now; well, I had this problem all my life and I was too ashamed to seek help. Here it goes: during sexual intercourse, I never feel any sensation or tingling feelings, I feel nothing. I can feel the penis, but that is all. This has been with every guy I've been with and I've been with about 15 guys. I'm currently dating this guy for five years. I love him, but during sex, I feel nothing. He turns me on, and I get aroused, but when it comes to actually having sex, I feel NOTHING. It's like I have a disjunction in my vagina. Does it have something to do with my clitoris? What is wrong with me? Please, can you tell me? I will eventually see a doctor, but I just want to know, what is the problem with me? Please, I would really appreciate it, I've kinda learned to live with it. Sad, right? :)— C(3)Dear Alice,Yet again, another question about intercourse and (female) orgasms. I am 25 and have been having intercourse for about 1 1/2 years and have never experienced even the remotest possibility of climaxing from intercourse. Intercourse does NOTHING for me. I've read the Hite Report, I know it claims that only 30% of women orgasm from intercourse alone; however, most women who say they don't orgasm from intercourse say that they at least receive some arousal or stimulation or pleasure from the sensation--it just doesn't lead them to orgasm. However, I have never received the SLIGHTEST sexual pleasure from intercourse--and it's making me so unhappy and desperate that I feel I'm going insane.— Searching for pleasure(4)Dear Alice,What is the best way for a woman with an inaccessible clitoris to reach orgasm during intercourse, without artificial stimulation?

So Alice answers by basically telling them that the vagina doesn't have much nerve endings and that not much is going to happen if the clit isn't involved. She recommends working with one's partner to find ways to make the damn thing happen, trying woman-on-top positions for better freedom, adding sex toys, and reading up for more ideas - you know, that kind of thing.

Honestly, she gives a good answer, it's better than a lot I've seen but I just can't help but feel that we need more. Saying kinda softly to frustrated ladies that most women don't orgasm from vaginal stimulation, and that we should just explore more with our partners and that "if you are generally satisfied with your sexual activity, there is no need to be dismayed by your lack of vaginal sensation or feel pressured to feel pleasure or orgasm during intercourse," is nice and true, but man, it feels like bullshit. It feels like it's bullshit to even be having this discussion. It feels like this is bullshit that the women are the ones fretting about this "personal" issue when it should be our whole society fretting about how we could possibly have gone so long teaching and depicting female orgasm so incorrectly. It's bullshit, and we should be a little madder about it and a little more vocal. We, as a society, should be really hearing all these women asking questions about their orgasms and realizing that women as a whole are suffering because of this cultural ignorance. 

Anyway, that's my 2 cents. And, ya know, I have talked to many people who say they didn't even know that people still worry about the whole vaginal orgasm vs. clitoral orgasm thing anymore, and they don't think it's much of an issue. I wonder sometimes, but then I see things like this that remind me women do struggle with this on the regular. Us ladies might not call it vag vs. clit issue. We might not even know about Freud saying clitoral orgasms were infantile. We just know about what society has made us feel is normal, and then we have to somehow make that fit with what we actually feel in our bodies. We all find different ways to deal with it, but it all stems from the fact that vaginal orgasms are deeply ingrained in us as normal and/or highly desirable; that, oddly enough, female bodies (not some but as far as we know all female bodies) are not able to orgasm vaginally; and that no one seems to be screaming out about this insane discrepancy, so it's as if none of this is an issue at all - just women needing to figure out our own personal sexual struggles... It's bullshit. 

However, like I said before, the answer HERE was good and more progressive than most, so it gets a 4 out of 5 vulva rating!

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Inside Amy Schumer S2 Ep2: The SSL Review

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Speaking of Amy Schumer (since I wrote about her in my last post too), she said something in one of her Inside Amy Schumer episodes that I liked. Technically, she didn't depict or discuss female sexual release or masturbation, so it's really not eligible for an SSL review. However, she did say clit...and she did connect it as something she likes getting attention to when it comes to the ol' nasty business, so I'm just gonna call it an SSL review anyway. I mean, anytime a woman or man is talking about sex and specifically mentions the clit as a good part of it, it's kind of like that person is insinuating ladygasms need clit action. So, long story short, that's not a common way people talk about it, and I think it was kinda an important Orgasm Equality moment, and that's why I'm SSL reviewing it.

As part of the show, Schumer will interview someone in a segment called "Amy Goes Deep." Usually it has to do with sex in some way (stripper, sex phone operator, etc,) but not always. The one I'm talking about was in the episode "I'm so Bad," and it was with Mandy, a sex columnist. Here's what was said.

Amy: How many of your suggestions have you actually used yourself?
Mandy: I wrote something about putting lipstick and like circling the parts that you want attention to, ya know.
Amy: Mine would just look like wax lips around my clit. 

Funny story, the word "clit" is actually bleeped out (I guess I can't be sure that's what she said, but it's pretty clear from the sound of it and her hand gestures that's what she said). I just heard on a Joe Rogan podcast with her that Comedy Central allows them to say "pussy" without bleeping it out, so why not clit, people, why not clit? Now that I think of it though, I watch these on Hulu, so maybe clit wasn't bleeped in the original airing, and they just bleep a lot more stuff on the internet. If you know about this, let me know.

Also, later in the interview she was flabbergasted to hear that this sex advice columnist doesn't like to get oral sex. I too was flabbergasted because getting ate the hell out is THE BEST, and if you aren't into it, I'm pretty sure I don't want to read your sex advice.

Okay, for bringing up the clit as the place you want to attention during sex, this episode gets 5 out of 5 vulvas. Ms. Schumer is on an SSL Review roll.

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