6.27.2012

The Sexy Side of Mutual Masturbation



The ol’ mutual masturbation has long been used as the go-to sex alternative given to the young by progressives, but let’s be honest. Nobody does that shit….well…except me. I love it, and it’s hot as hell, people. From here on out, I would like to declare myself a mutual masturbation advocate, and I want to advocate the hot stuff – not so much the safe stuff.

We all know there’s no pregnancy or disease risks. Fine. No need to buy or use condoms. Cool. But, those things are boring. I mean they’re important, of course, but they’re also kinda lame, and people about to get it on don’t seem to give a shit about that. So listen up progressives, people are not going to do things like mutual masturbation, unless it becomes a culturally obvious way to have sex. Here’s my dream for the future...

1  First things first -I want sexy ass ways to say Mutual Masturbation. Currently there’s no hot slang available for this yet so MM for now, I guess . Mark my words though, I will be thinking of an awesome word for this, so watch the hell out for that sexiness comin’ your way.

2  When I say sex, I’d like people to simply assume I mean that my genitals were involved in pleasure with another person. Could mean we banged doggy style over the side of the bed. Maybe we leisurely licked each other curled in a 69. Maybe I sucked him off while I jerked myself. Possibly I meant we clothes burned/dry humped. Or maybe I was talking about MM. I want those all to come to mind when I say sex to someone.

3  When I pick up a douchey yet hot college dude for a one-night stand, I want to bust into his apartment, with him picking me up, legs wrapped around his waist, and then I want him to say, “you wanna MM, girl?” (If he wants to , he could lick his lips like LL Cool J just before he says it.)

4  I want to turn on some sexy, cheesy romantic book-to-movie flick and see Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams from the chest up lying close together on their backs but twisted so they are kissing and touching each other with romance novel intensity. They huskily whisper their undying love to one another as the audience sees the tell-tale jerk-off movement in their sculpted upper arms. Between squirming and gnawing at each other, they indulge in slow stuttering intakes of air to relax into their on-coming cum. Then the scene ends abruptly, and it's the next morning. They’re laughing and making fluffy pancakes with fresh blueberries in the kitchen.

I kinda made a special Orgasm Equality set of Boyfriend Ryan Gosling Pics

5  I want to see a tv drama about obscenely rich, sexy teenagers, and I want to see tears in the sweet, wanna-do-the-right-thing boy’s intoxicating brown eyes as he stares in disbelief after his bitchy raven-haired girlfriend finally admits she MM’d with his best friend.

I want this shit to be part of our sexual culture, people.

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