1.29.2013

Paragliding and Crisscrossing - Sexy Slang




I've been thinking for a good long time about a slang name for mutual masturbation (two or more people in the same area, working their own naughty bits) and also for simultaneous manual stimulation (two people giving each other hand jobs at the same time). I am a big fan of these; particularly mutual masturbation because it's good for the lady orgasm; it's pregnancy and disease free, and it's super hot. I have a post on its hotness HERE and my vision for the future of Mutual Masturbation HERE.

So, I've been soliciting ideas and such over the last year or so, and I've made a decision. I feel pretty good about it, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Simultaneous Manual Stimulation: I'm going to call this CrissCrossing. If you don't use the word crisscross normally, it means to overlap or intersect or to pass back or forth, through or over. Why Crisscrossing?  It seems like a sort of innocent, young word (I think they call sitting cross legged on the floor "crisscross applesauce" now at a lot of elementary schools). It has a sweetness worthy of the fairly un-risky and trusting nature of the act, but it also brings to mind an entanglement; a disheveled, joined situation. It hold both a playfulness and a messy connection - both of which describe a good sexual encounter.

Mutual Masturbation: I've taken to calling it MM for short over the last year or so since it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Feel free to call it that, but I've decided on Paragliding as the official SSL mutual masturbation slang. Why Paragliding? Well, para is a prefix that can mean beside, next to, or near, so it clearly fits here since we're talking about something done beside, next to, or near another person. Gliding, well, gliding just sounds like masturbation to me. An oiled up hand gliding up and down a hard dick; some lubed fingers gliding across a swollen clit; the cotton crotch of some panties sliding in circles against a slick vulva as hips press against a pillow, a slippery dong slithering in and out of a rolled up towel or a recently bought Fleshlight. I'm telling you, I could go on.

If you ask me, any kind of male or female masturbation is best when it includes some slickness, some gliding. However, I also like the term paragliding because it has an airy freedom to it. It is a sport where a person gets to float through the air, moving at his or her whim. It is also a very mobile and solitary sport. The equipment is light and can all be moved around in a backpack. It's like masturbation; it's freeing, personal,  exciting, empowering, and can go with you anywhere. 

Paragliding and Crisscrossing - what do you think?

***Mere hours after posting this, I'm having 2nd thoughts...Do you think Hand Gliding is a better option than Paragliding??

Picture -Wikipedia Creative commons http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:TegelbergParaglider_gobeirne.jpg

1.24.2013

Our Kickstarter Party Pics (From a Year Ago)




Charlie and I were looking through some old pictures on the computer - you know, checkin' out the nieces and nephew's b-days and such - and then we saw the pics from our Kickstarter Party from December 17th 2011 - about a year ago. Well, I figured I might as well share a few of them since we're all personal and friendly like on this blog these days.

It was a pretty awesome day actually. For those who weren't around back when we were doing it, let me let you in on what went down. We started a Kickstarter campaign to raise $20,000 for the recording of our score and proper sound finalization for Science, Sex and the Ladies. We hadn't spent anything on the movie up to that point except our own pocket money over the last 10 years, and we really wanted to make sure the sound and music was fabuloso - too many indie movies drop the ball on that. Plus, we had an awesome composer willing to collaborate with us, so we could put all the money into things like professional musicians, recording spaces and top notch audio work. Anyway, my point is, we thought the money could make a huge impact on our movie, but we weren't used to this whole fundraising thing, and I'm gonna be real honest - my stomach was in knots for the whole 30 days. The thing about Kickstarter is that if you don't get enough pledges to meet your goal by the end of the fundraising period, then no one pays and you get no money at all. So, we kinda really, really wanted to make sure we made our goal.

Like I said, the life was slowly being sucked out of me for the whole of the 30 days. To really make it on Kickstarter, you have to work your ass off, advertising, contacting, making good on goal point promises. We started out strong. It got a little slow, and then the last 36 hours, we started getting pledges like crazy. It was enough to make my stomach do back flips out my throat. We had planned a party to start right after the funding period ended, and long story short, we went right up to the last minute, but we made our goal. It was an incredible relief, so the party was a well needed celebration. (BTW, we are only a month or 2 away from the final finished movie with all the music and sound stuff finished!!!). Anyway, here is a quick picture tour of the party.

Our good friends the Fritz's came by early to help decorate and shoot the shit. The Shindig was at the home Barnaby moved into just a couple months before (he had not yet acquired 3 orange cats).


I'm obsessed with colored lights (and it was 8 days before Christmas), so we strung up lights all over the house.  Charlie's brother Andrew is delicately placing lights around the food as Barnaby watches (and I can only assume worries about something.)

People were pretty much just standing around checking the status on their phones at the beginning, probably worried we'd be just about 500 dollars short and start begging them to pledge or something (we weren't allowed to pledge on our own campaign). Honestly, that is kind of terrifying, I'm surprised anyone came, really. Below is one of our actors (and my cuz) Tim Stroud and Ms. Stephanie Fritz below that.



 That's me, Charlie, and Barnaby huddled around the computer just after we made our goal. What's up now, ya'll!

Let the party begin, party people! As you can see, it was quite civilized.


Me and Barnaby. I want to point out that Barnaby had just shaved down to a disturbingly styled mustache as a reward to our supporters after we got our 100th backer. He also kissed someone and did a break dance routine for other rewards during the campaign. Respect.



Our fine and mysterious actor, Mr. Joshua Ramsey, came by to hang with us for a while. It was quite a privilege to see you, sir, quite a privileged indeed.


 Charlie with a tie on over his AnC T-shirt. He was about to fire off a confetti gun in Barnaby's new house. What an asshole. I might have shot some off too.


 After lots of friendly conversation, congratulatory hugs, and drunken basement ping-pong, the party was over....just like this damn movie will be soon....finally.


Oh, and here's the Barnaby break dancing video we made as a reward for a supporters...just for fun.

1.21.2013

I'm Inspired To Get A Little Personal Up In Here



I received a comment on one of my blog posts that touched me more than the person probably knows. It made me want to write a post that was more personal than usual. I actually have a lot of personal things that I feel could be useful to say on this blog, but I don't know exactly how to speak about them or even if I should. I feel inspired a bit now though after hearing encouraging words from a reader; another woman who lives far away from me, a woman I would have never met, a woman who shares with me, as she does with all women, a struggle between what she knows through her own experience and her own body and what the culture would have us believe; a woman, that like us all, is living and learning within the strange and thorny reality of female sexuality. So, I decided to open up slightly more than I usually do. I will touch on a few points without too much detail - just to get them out there, and then I'm going to elaborate on some for later posts. So here goes.

Working towards orgasm equality is very personal to me. I, like most (and frankly I suspect all) women, have struggled with orgasm. At different times the struggle was different and was involved with different aspects of my sexuality and orgasm, but with the insight I have now, I can see that it is always related to the discrepancy between what is real and what I expect/wish/am told things should be like. I don't talk about any of this in a specific way very often here. You might be surprised to hear, but I am a pretty private person. Plus, I also don't want to muddy my arguments with lots of "personal experience stories" and open myself up to critics who would skew the orgasm equality arguments toward flaws they see in me as a person or my personal experiences. I fear that kind of argument twisting, particularly when I feel so strongly that the arguments surrounding the orgasm equality movement hold true with or without me and my experiences.

That said though, I feel like relaying my personal experiences with this stuff could be beneficial. I am a woman. I have struggled with these issues, and I have that perspective to draw from when I speak on them. I also think that it's important every once in a while to mention that I don't have it all figured out. I stand strongly behind the definition of orgasm I put forth and behind the need to shift societal norms, and I believe cultural and personal embracing of those ideals are essential for orgasm equality, but I don't mistake those essential first steps for a cure-all to each and every woman's struggles with orgasms and sexuality.

We ladies, even with the knowledge, comradery, and confidence that can be gained with personal and societal embracing of orgasm equality principals, are still the same little girls who grew up in this culture and acquired the sexual hang-up we deal with daily. We're the same women who had the particular sexual experiences that made us understand sexuality and orgasm the way we do. Our partners still grew up in this society; having the same instincts and insecurities they have always had. We all still came of age watching media that glorifies lies about how women's bodies should react to and experience sexual encounters.

It's not easy for ourselves or our partners to shake the ingrained feelings and exceptions *(I meant expectations)* about our sex lives. So, I want to reassure any women out there that even after you take the ideas of the orgasm equality movement to heart, you will still have struggles, but you won't be alone in them. The road to orgasm equality is a journey, and we got on this train after our formative years had passed. But, please know that the changes we make now will go a long way in making it an easier journey for all the young people that come after us.

2  I have felt quite uncertain about my stance at varying times over the past 11 years I've been researching and making this movie. Mainly it's been about saying outright that stimulation of the vagina does not cause orgasm (Before you start squawking about this statement, please see my full explanation HERE). As the years have gone by, I have yet to find good physiological evidence to go against that statement. However, there is plenty of personal statements from women that do refute it. So, basically by making that statement, I'm telling some women that I don't care what they say about their own experiences with their own bodies, the evidence points against their descriptions of "vaginal orgasms" (Again - check HERE for a full explanation before you squawk).

I want to say that it's never been easy to make that statement so plainly. I get terrified all the time that I'm making the wrong decision, but then when I stand back and look at it, I know I'm doing the right thing - at least the best I can do. I feel more and more comfortable and justified about that statement each passing year, but when women speak to me and tell me that it makes sense to them too, it feels particularly good. Although I rationally know why I'm doing this, it still feels mean sometimes, so knowing some women find it helpful keeps me from letting that kernel of doubt I always have from creeping up too much.

3  I believe it is possible for confident, sexual, smart women to say they have orgasms through vaginal stimulation alone - when they actually do not. My best defense of that idea is only really verified by my personal experience, so I've never been quite sure how to talk about it well and am not really sure I should, but what the hell?

I used to fake orgasms from intercourse, but I didn't really think of it that way. If you'd talked to me as a friend or asked me on a survey back then, I'm sure I would have been one of the "lucky 30%" of women who could orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone...but it was a lie...but it also wasn't a lie because I believed it. I can't remember exactly how I thought about it. I think maybe it was more that I didn't give it much logical thought. I don't remember feeling like a faker or a liar. I felt like a very sexually informed and very sexually "free" woman. I was well into researching this movie before I really realized and acknowledged that I didn't actually orgasm that way. I can't remember all the details of how I came to that point, but I do remember that around that time I started to get frustrated and resentful about certain aspects of my sex life - and I clearly see now that it had a lot to do with my non-orgasms.

It is honestly hard to understand now, looking back, how I thought about all this, but I think it is important to say that I did lie to myself about my orgasm and for a number of years. I can't believe that I'm the only women who has had that experience of convincingly lying to herself about orgasm. It seems ridiculous, but I believe there are more women like me who are so confused or who feel such disconnect between their exceptions *(I meant expectations)* vs. their actual experience or who are so optimistic that we actually will ourselves into orgasming from acts we believe should make us orgasm.

Maybe I am a completely unique individual, but I doubt it. I think this is an unexamined phenomenon, and I'm trying to decide how to speak more about it without sounding crazy or undermining my other arguments about orgasm equality.

4  I want to give my biggest gratitude to all those reading my blog and engaging with me. I want your opinions, and I want you to challenge me, and I want to explore this subject with you. You all are everything to this movement, and I thank you for even being open to listening to these ideas.

1.17.2013

Bonobos Ladies Get Some Clit Stim



I don't know if you know this, but I'm a big fan of the Bonobos. Also called Pygmy Chimps, these endangered animals, along with regular ol' Chimpanzees, share the honor of being our closest evolutionary relatives. Bonobos are most known for all the sexy times they share together, and if you don't remember hearing about these in school it might be because it's hard to talk about them without also discussing their very sexual culture, so your 8th grade science book may not have included them.

Anyway, I saw this video with Harvard Anthropologist Dr. Richard Wrangham explaining a bit about Bonobos. A note though, the actual visuals of this video are kinda weird. It's actually a phone interview conducted by Dr. Susan Block, and there are strange fade/cuts to her bejeweled hands at random times, and it ends with a sorta blurry psychedelic shot of her rubbing her butt sensually in front of a TV screen playing clips of Bonobos. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy some creative imagery, but I'm just saying it's a bit unexpected. Also, please don't take this as me knocking ol' Dr. Susan Block. She's got a lot of respect for Bonobos - and I got respect for that.



1.11.2013

Sometimes Lady-gasm Advice isn't Perfect But It's Okay



As you know, I'm harsh on advice articles about how to give women orgasms, and why not? The way our culture speaks about women and orgasms is, well, utterly misinformed, and nothing will change unless people start pointing out the ridiculousness and ignorance. On the other hand, I'm feeling generous today. Well, maybe it's not just that I'm feeling generous. I also have a soft spot for good intentions. So, I'm going to be highlighting the good, rather than the bad in this NetDoctor (The UK's leading independent health website!), article, titled How To Help Your Female Partner Have Orgasms. I do believe it came from good intentions, but I would still have no problem crushing it like an old 7UP can if it didn't also contain basically correct physiological information - which it does. There is nothing that irks me more than "medical" internet writings that clearly have a misunderstanding of female anatomy, orgasm physiology or both.


The Good

1 The article clearly states in a number of ways that women orgasm from clitoral stimulation.
Please bear in mind that – contrary to what many men think – sexual intercourse by itself is not likely to produce an orgasm. This is because intercourse alone is not very good at stimulating the woman's clitoris. Nearly all females need additional stimulation of the clitoris by fingers or mouth.
 Plus, in the "What To Do" list, there's this:
9. remember that stimulation of the clitoris is the key to female orgasm.
2  The article does not, after discussing how important the clitoris is, go on to talk about intercourse and different positions as ways for women to achieve orgasm. It also does not speak of clitoral stimulation as "one way" of achieving orgasm or as something "some women" need. It directly links stimulation of the clitoris with the ability to achieve orgasm, and it leaves it at that - as it should. 
It is a very basic, high-level, explanation, but the article does explain the physiology of female orgasm correctly and rightly points out how similar it is to male orgasm.
What happens in a woman's body during a climax is very like what happens in your (male) body when you ejaculate. In other words, there's a feeling of increasing excitement, building up to a point where everything 'blows' in a great blast of ecstasy. This 'orgasmic moment' is characterised by surges of contractions in the sex organs, occurring almost every 0.8 seconds.

The Bad

1  This statement about multiple orgasms:
This ability is extremely rare in males. Relatively few young women can achieve multiple orgasm, because it's an ability that usually has to be learned. But with the help of a skilled lover, most women can eventually achieve the capacity for multiple orgasms – if they so desire.
First off, I don't think this statement about more older women having multiple orgasms is backed up by any real data. There is certainly no citation for it in the article, and it doesn't jive with any stats I've ever heard. Unsubstantiated statements like this are unnecessary and misleading.

Secondly, this does the annoying thing where it discusses "multiple orgasms" and doesn't explain what they are. With only pop media knowledge of multiple orgasms, a reader could easily get the impression that it is some kind of super uber-orgasm that lasts all night. Actually, it is just the situation in which if a woman continues stimulation of her clitoris immediately after an orgasm, she could have another orgasm or a few quite quickly. Some women might even think of it as 1 particularly long orgasm. This isn't something that normally happens for men, so it is nice for us ladies, but it should be put in perspective given the tall tales about multiple orgasms all over our cultural lore. Multiple orgasms aren't all night affairs. They, necessarily, happen in fairly quick succession. It's as if women can have an orgasm that's 2 to 5 times longer than a man's, but the total time is still only measured in seconds or a small number of minutes. 

Thirdly, I don't like the impression this gives that multiple orgasms are some magical prize a woman gets for picking the right "skilled lover" to "teach" her how to manipulate her own body. Women make their own orgasms, just as men make their own.  Yeah, I get it...the article is specifically about how to "Help Your Female Partner Have Orgasms," so I can see why the statement may have been made in that way. However, I think the all to common idea that men give orgasms and that women don't have to experiment with and work for their own orgasms is a major contributor to non-orgasm not-having all over the world. If this were my world, every advice article about female orgasm would include a statement about how a woman could simply experiment with masturbation to find a good reliable way of achieving orgasm (even multiple ones), and then work with her partner to bring that tried and true way into the bedroom. Sha-Bam! Orgasm anytime you want one! It's not hard, and it's not much different than how men do it (They just have the luxury of "normal" sex being similar to the types of stimulation they use during masturbation). Advice articles almost never says this, and if they do, it's usually all mixed in with lots of additional bad advice. (Exceptions are the books 5 Minutes to Orgasm Every Time and For Yourself.)



The Bad But Good Too

2  This article is heavy on the idea that women's orgasms are different than men's in that male orgasms are just physical and women's are deeply linked to things like feelings and romance and stuff like that.
 ...perhaps the most important thing to realise about female climaxes is that with women, it's not a mechanical thing – as it generally is with men. You see, most males will ejaculate quite quickly if they have their penises rubbed. This applies even if the circumstances aren't very romantic – or even if they don't particularly like the person who's doing the rubbing! Women are not like this. Female orgasm isn't a push-button response. The conditions have to be right.
Although females vary, many women need the following if they're going to reach a climax easily:
  • a romantic atmosphere
  • pleasant, comfortable surroundings
  • a partner who they really like
  • a feeling of being wanted and appreciated
  • a good flow of natural lubrication - so that the delicate female parts don't get sore
  • a skilled partner who knows how to stimulate the clitoris.
Unless you can provide the above, you are not going to have great success in giving your partner orgasms.
 This is annoying to me because orgasm, by it's very nature, is as much of a physical thing for females as it is for males. Men need penile stimulation and females need clitoral stimulation. It is as simple as that. However, it is also not that simple. To very loosely paraphrase Master's and Johnson in their book Human Sexual Inadequacy, the orgasm is a natural physiological event, and any healthy body is capable of achieving it with the correct physical stimulation, but it can easily be blocked by things that the brain be doin' and think'.

So, here's my dilemma. When we speak of the female orgasm like it is somehow more connected to emotion and circumstance than men's, we are further selling the myth that the female orgasm is innately different; as if it's mysterious and unknowable. Working for orgasm equality partly means busting that myth and making sure that people understand the physical basis of female orgasm and its similarity to the male orgasm. Without that correct understanding, the wrong types of physical stimulation will continue to predominate and women will continue to not orgasm in large numbers.

On the other hand, women in general do kinda "need" more (romance, personality, whatever) to get into the mood, to stay in the mood, and to get to an orgasm. I discuss reasons why with great detail in the movie, but in short, it ain't some innate female difference in biological make-up. We ladies as a whole have way more mediocre, bad, and simply non-orgasmic past experiences with sex that can add to the "blocking" our arousal and orgasm. For one simple example, most women do not have an orgasm during their first experience of sexual intercourse. Most men do. Clearly, for reasons nothing more than orgasm, the raw physical associations that men have with sex after that first time are different - more sexual - you might say. Just think about that for a moment, and then think about the types of sexual experiences women vs. men have over a lifetime. If a woman only orgasmed 60% of the time she had sexual encounters (and honestly, I think that's high for a lot of women) and her male partners orgasmed more like 90-95% of the time, is it any wonder who would be in the mood sex quicker, more often, and in more situations?

So, for real life advice, telling a man to make sure the atmosphere is comfortable and romantic and that the lady feels appreciated...is actually not bad advice. Since for women in general orgasm is not something that can be reliably or sometimes ever associated with partnered sexual acts, it's not a bad idea to enhance the other pleasurable parts of sex (like romance, emotional connection, arousal, ect) so that there can be as many good associations with sex as possible. It's just that the back story for why it's true irks the hell out of me - and I desperately want to change the cultural situation that makes sex this different for men and women.

So, I begrudgingly approve of this article, not because it's perfect, but because it's better than most, because it's largely physiologically accurate, and because I'm feeling soft-hearted today...but don't get used to it.


1.05.2013

Sexy Orgasm Equality Approved Songs



Well, I've been listening to a lot of specifically dirty, sexy playlists lately on Spotify and 8Tracks. I truly and dearly love some nasty, grindy hip hop - stuff that makes a gal wanna be groovin' all nasty style up in a dance club. I grew up on the stuff - the ol' NWA and Digital Underground tapes stolen from my sisters room. It has a special and important place in my heart, but I cannot ignore that almost all of it is misinformed, badly misinformed, when it comes to female pleasure (and orgasm specifically). It's not really any different than the regular ol' ignorance that saturates our society and all media about female orgasm, but it is usually one of the most explicit mainstream types of outlets for the ignorance - so I feel the raw nature of it makes it more of an impactful (and harmful) type of "education." Penetration is always the key ingredient for ladygasms, and if cunnilingus or manual clitoral stimulation are spoken of, it's almost always as a work up to the "real" orgasm-as-a-result-of-being-boned-hard or as a sort of show or preview to the intercourse stuff. Now, as you know, this is exactly the kind of depictions and discussions of female orgasm that I am heavily working against, but I'm not gonna lie, I still love the stupid ignorant stuff. I listen to it all the same, and I find it quite sexy, but honestly, if I had a real choice...if I actually had that sexy, explicit style, but with less ignorant lyrics, I would love that much more.

So, since my birthday is coming up, I'm going to give you a present. I've been compiling a list of these songs that don't have the dumb. I'm including only songs that depict orgasms had as a result of physical actions that would actually make a woman come, and I don't include them when that realistic depiction gets watered down by additional unrealistic depiction or discussion of female orgasm. You will notice that there's not that many, and although sad, it's warranted. Yes there are certainly more songs like these out there that are by women, and there are many that involve a little cunnilingus action, but listening to the whole song and not just a few lyrics makes most of them ineligible for my esteemed list. Unsurprisingly, a lot of male singers are out, but so are a lot of women. Women too often sing about how good they are at giving pleasure to men and speak of their orgasms as coming from some good ol' hard penis in vagina thrusting (even if being eaten out, which is legit, is somewhere in the song too.) I mean, there are a lot that are saying the same things men say, but just from the female side - like if a man sang it, it'd be like, "I want you to service me," and the female version is "I want to service you!" There are more songs out now about men talking about how much they are into pleasing their lady out their too, and they do often speak of eating her out or touching her clit, and she does often orgasm from that, but as always, they also include her coming and coming from the singer's magic penis jamming into her. That's about as status quo as it gets, and not so realistic - at least not the last part.

So, as of yet, there sadly, are only 6 (5 in the "SSL Dirty Song Champs!" Spotify playlist because Wait (Whisper Song Girl Version) isn't on Spotify yet.)

 YouTube videos are below. They are all the explicit versions since they need to be to really get the point, but beware, YouTube videos of songs have a bad habit of being pulled as time goes by. So, there is also the "SSL Dirty Song Champs!" Spotify playlist I am sharing. I hope to continue adding more...

How Many Licks - Lil' Kim (Featuring Sisqo)


 

My Neck, My Back - (Lick It) Khia
 

Play - David Banner
 

My Bubble Gum - Raheeda
 

Wait (The Whisper Song Girl Version) - Kelis
 

WooHoo - Christina Aguilera (Featuring Nicki Minaj)