Random Hite Report 1

Hello, welcome to a new segment on the SSL blog, Random Hite Report! It's simple really. I flip through the pages of The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality by a one Ms. Shere Hite and copy the contents of the page where I land. Anyone who reads my blog will know that this 1976 book is a fave of mine; not only because of its shockingly realistic and progressive insight about the female orgasm but also because of its very touching insight into the lives of the women who took part in this huge, comprehensive survey. This is an under-appreciated and under-read book if you ask me.

So, sit back, getcha a beverage, and enjoy a little...Random Hite Report...you never know what yer gonna get!

Pg. 518 The Hite Report Dell. 1976.

talked to about other women. That was the first time I knew that other women couldn't come without clitoral manipulation, like me. I have had many wonderful experiences, some much better sexually, due to the cumulative experience of several years, and the tenderness and love I feel for my partner, but that one stands out for many reasons. For one thing, to learn that age makes no real difference in sex, that I was attractive to him, was wonderful for my ego, especially so soon after my divorce. Another thing was the twenty-four hours of anticipation, knowing I could change my mind."

However, quite a few of the women were disappointed and bitter about their sexual experiences.
The following three women explain at length:
"Sex isn't important to me. I'm fifty-eight years old, married to the same man and faithful thirty-five years. Lots of rough years. We've raised two fine children, a dentist and a lawyer-have four darling grandchildren. About five years ago, my husband at about fifty-two started drinking every night-knocked me around. I've never heard a word of praise except while having intercourse, and I keep wondering how in hell I could enjoy that when I'm so poor in every other way!
"I only have orgasms occasionally in dreams-about strangers. Kissing the back of my neck is most important to me to have an orgasm. I told him that for years, but he never does it. I do not like oral or rectal sex, but both have been forced on me. I can be feeling pretty mellow with vaginal intercourse and when he mentions oral or rectal, I go on with the  act, but the glow is gone; I hope he gets his fun just talking about it.
"I've tried masturbation and get nothing from it..."
"In the early years, I initiated sex several times but it never got anywhere-it has to be his idea. Sex is bound to be good if you are 'friends' with your partner-guess you can tell I'm pretty bitter. I went to a marriage counselor two years ago-I'm immature-my husband hates all women, starting with his mother he sends me roses-buys me gifts and tells me how stupid I am."


Celebrating Songs About Laby-bation

Hi there, all! It's the weekend, and I'm not feeling so serious here, so I thought I would simply go for something fun today. As you know, this is a rather pro masturbation blog, and in addition, this blog is keen on particularly championing female masturbation. I mean if we ladies, as a group, are ever going to get to a point where orgasm in a partnered situation comes as naturally to us as it does to men, then we, as a group, need to masturbate more - cause once we realize how easy it is to simply orgasm during masturbation, then we can begin to incorporate that into into the much trickier situation of partnered sex. So, I say we stop feeling so squeamish about it; stop, for those of us who do do it, acting like we don't; and for those of you ladies who haven't tried it out, just start exploring down there. I promise, you'll be glad you started the journey.

On that note - let's celebrate by listening to a couple songs from some fab ladies who were rockin' enough to make songs embracing some ol' jillin' off.

Cindy Lauper is just the coolest, so she goes first. "She Bop." Yes she does indeed Bop. Enjoy.

Next is the classic, "I Touch Myself." It's not so subtle, but why do you need to be, really?


Our Happy Hand


Its Charles filling in for Trish today. I thought I would give you a couple pics of our Happy Hand character from Science Sex and The Ladies. This was one of the final touches we put on the film and if you're a 3d guy or gal please be kind in any remarks about my workflow/work structure here. I've only just learned how to do this and I'm certain everything is a bit of a mess.

We were back and forth on how to achieve the Hand Character for a long time, built lots of mock ups but ended up settling on a 3d version for little things like wiggling fingers and eye blinking. None of us knew how to do  it but we figured it out in the end. The hardest part for me was learning the indiosyncracies of  creating the hair. In my simple mindedness I wanted the character to be a hairy palm - but a cute one- because it is our masturbation mascot. I fooled around with glasses as well (bad eye sight) but the look became more academic or nerdy than cute and I didn't want to create a character that seemed preachy, because our advocacy of Masturbation is a corner stone of the film.

Happy Hand is voiced by the awesome Cathy Hamaker who also named it. I think she was a little worried about being credited as Masturbating Hand - the name we had for it in the script. I can see that.

Here's a screencap of the work in progress. The eyes were a little lazy here.

and a Final render. I was slowly able to optimize the render time from 30 seconds a frame to 3 and considering there are over 6000 frames of Happy in the Movie that adds up.

For all you techies reading this. We created Happy Hand in Cinema 4d exported an image sequence with alpha channel and comped it in After Effects. I exported with no anti aliasing because everything that I render in C4D has to be blurred slightly to match our HVX footage anyway and it gained me 3 seconds of render time. Pretty straight forward.


Laura Berman Gives Bad Orgasm Advice

This, my friends, is a video of Laura Berman giving orgasm advice to a couple (Dash and Kelli). It is stock full of misleading, inaccurate, and frankly, harmful information about the female orgasm. I’m gonna use the word flabbergasted; not at the situation that a popular, mainstream sexpert spit out some shitty info (that’s status quo), but at how popular the sexpert is and how misinformed the sexperting was. I mean Laura Berman is a best selling author of sex advice, she’s a doctor – so she seems credible, plus she was a regular on Oprah and on Dr. Phil. I mean as sexperts go, she’s about as mainstream as one could get. So we can’t just sluff this off as some random YouTube video. This is the status quo. This is the bullshit that is being fed into the minds of a large amount of people; the kind of bullshit that is legitimized by the high profile types of media with which Laura Berman is associated. We should be really...well flabbergasted.

So, in this video Berman advises a couple in which the wife has lost interest in sex. She has been trying to do it once a week, to make her man happy but it's more like every 3 weeks lately. Plus, he's started to turn her down because he knows she's just doing it for him and not really interested. Unsurprisingly, he doesn't find that to be too much fun. Oh - and then we also find out that Kelli can't orgasm with him. She can do it by herself, just not with him.

Berman responds to this in the following way.

Berman: "Only 30% of women reach orgasm during sex, and if they do reach orgasm, it's through other types of stimulation, oral sex, manual stimulation, and so often when that's that case, it's an emotional mental block. Sometimes it's related to messages you got growing up about what nice girls do and don't do.
 Kelli: Yeah, absolutely. I was raised Catholic.
Berman: Yeah - so there's some guilt and inhibitions there.
 So she goes on about that. Then she says...
Berman: The other thing is that I can't tell you how many women have been to OBGYN's and never had their clit looked at or looked at it themselves. Have ya looked? Have you mapped...
Kelli: I feel like mine's...like just from showering in a room with a bunch of girls at massage school...I just feel like mine's all tucked in.
Berman: Right, That's what I'm wondering.
Kelli: ...and some of those girls that are all hangin out. I think they get to have more fun.
Berman: Dash, how's Kelli's clitoris. Does it seem normal?
Dash: Yeah it seems normal, but it's a little hidden.
Berman: Oh okay, does it come out? I mean, does it get bigger with arousal?
Kelli: I don't know.
Berman: Maybe you have a defunct clitoris.
Kelli: I know! I know! That's why I always wanted to come see you, cause I have to figure this out.
Berman: So I think you need a sexual health check-up in that regard.

Okay, from that fantastic exchange, all kinds of genious-ness was insinuated to the watching public.
1. Some poor women have clits that don't work (like those that have trouble coming from sex).
2. There is a "normal" way a clit looks.
3. Most of the women who can't orgasm from sex can't because they have emotional or mental block.
4. It makes sense for a woman to worry about not orgasming from sex.

I call super bullshit on all of this. First off, Kelli can orgasm. She said she could orgasm by herself, so it's highly unlikely that she has a mental block or a defunct clit. And by the way, what the hell is a defunct clit? I think she might have been referring to it not getting erect, like a man who has trouble getting hard, but even if that's the case, not all clits look like they are bigger when aroused. Yes, women get as much blood filling their clit as men get in their penis, but most of the clit is underneath the surface, and you won't see that swell. The vulva lips will swell when aroused, but she was asking about the clit. It's a stupid question for a doctor and sex expert to ask a patient. She should know that the little nub of the clit we see may look exactly the same size as it did before arousal. Berman also asked if the clit looked normal, as if the vulva/clit area of a women all look about the same. I mean that is one of the most diverse areas on the body; size, shape, symmetry, color. That she would expect an answer to that question to be in any way useful is ridiculous. And...to top it off, she didn't correct Kelli after saying she thought the gals with the hangy-out "down-theres" have more fun. Women have long been worried that any orgasm problems they have are due to their anatomy down there; the clit and vagina are too far apart; the clit isn't big enough, you know, things like that. However, scientist have been trying to prove these are issues for a long time but it just doesn't add up. There is not correlation between those types of anatomy differences and a woman's ability to orgasm. Berman really should have set her, and all the viewers, straight about that common misconception.

But back to the fact that Kelli can orgasm. So, Dr. Berman, really? seriously? It's a mental hang-up keeping Kelli from orgasming with Dash? If I say it once, I'll say it a million times, "normal sex" (you might know it as plain ol' intercourse), is great for stimulating the penis, the male organ of sexual pleasure and crap for stimulating the clit, the female organ of sexual pleasure. That is just plain true. I mean, might the problem be that Kelli just isn't getting the stimulation her clit needs during normal sex?

Here's my diagnosis. Kelli, you know how to orgasm. Now, just do that while you are having a sexual interactions with Dash; hell even while you are having sexual intercourse with Dash. Yes, it will be awkward at first because that kind of sexual interaction isn't the kind we usually see in porn, movies, tv, or read about in sexy books, but it is the kind that will allow you both to orgasm.

But, that brings me to the other problem in this video. The whole thing insinuates that women not orgasming from sex is some sort of problem; as if women are just meant to orgasm from nothing more than a man moving his penis in and out of our vaginas. It makes it seem like masturbating with your hand during intercourse or orgasming from other types of sexual interactions are fine maybe, but lesser options; ways to orgasm if the ultimate goal of orgasming from mere penile in vagina stimulation isn't happening. I really think that's how most people feel about it - at least to some degree, but it is crazy to think that. This just isn't a problem. It's just the way it is. The way our bodies are and the way intercourse happens, just doesn't make sense that a female orgasm would occur. The only reason we think it's supposed to is because people and movies and porn and tv all say it should. Putting something in and out of the vagina is simply not a good way to stimulate the female organ of sexual pleasure.

Berman gives really bad advice, people. It is insanely irritating to me to see another example of the sexual status quo reinforcing to women that, because our bodies and our orgasms don't fit nicely into the normal, accepted ideas and expectations of sex, we must be physically broken or incapable - or we are simply not equip mentally and emotionally to get things right when it comes to sex. For once I would love to hear some truly mainstream sexpert say, "Hey ya'll it's not women that are messed up, it's our sexual norms and expectations that are all f'd up." The normal expectations of what happens in a sexual situation could include a variety of things that ensure both partners have orgasms - and intercourse does not have to be one of these.

Stop telling women we need to change. Our bodies work just fine, and our feelings, mental hang-ups, whatever you want to call them, about sex (like when we become uninterested after we've done it for years without having orgasms regularly) make sense within these crap circumstances. Maybe if more ladies had an orgasm every time we got naked and dirty with our partners, the way men usually do, then maybe less men would have to coddle their uninterested partners with romantic presents and candle light dinners in order to spark some interest in allowing a little sexy time. Women and men deserve better sexual lives.


In Defense Of My Hetero-centric Style of Female Orgasm Activism

Well, certain posts from this blog have been lucky enough to get some play on Reddit over the past few months, mostly on TwoXChromosome and SexPositive subreddits. I think they are 2 really great communities, and it's really cool to hear the comments about the ideas I'm putting forth in these posts. It allows me to better prepare for what kind of things will come at me once the movie is released. So, on that note, I want to address some criticisms that keep popping up in comments. Honestly, people are mostly supportive, but when they aren't it almost always comes in one of two forms. 1. Women telling me that the description of female orgasm I put forth doesn't describe their experience. I will write a post commenting on that in the near future, and 2. People telling me that my discussions don't properly include discussions of non hetero experiences. Usually "hetero normative" is the word put forth, and people often feel that in itself makes any argument I make a bit less valid. I will address this criticism here.

So...yes, it's true. Many of the arguments in this blog and also the movie we have made are, in fact, hetero-centric. The short answer to why? Because the societal understanding of the female orgasm is embedded deep in male, hetero-centic sexual culture, which means hetero sex is most relevant to arguing problems in our understanding of female orgasm. Also, because I'm not forming my arguments to influence progressive, sexually open folks or sexuality and  gender scholars. I would much rather create arguments that speak to a somewhat conservative hetero couple that has never read a piece of progressive writing on sexuality and is a little off put when men and women seem to pop out of the gender box. These are the people we need to convince if any real change can come about in our culture.

So let me elaborate.

On one level I get it. Open, sexually thoughtful people crave a society where discussions of sex are completely inclusive and accepting; where all forms of sexual expression get equal time and respect. It's a noble hope, and I too would love to see a world where saying I "had sex" with someone could mean anything from penetration to 69ing to mutual masturbation; where the sexual interactions between any consenting adults are portrayed in our culture as legitimate "sex" and respected in the same way male-female penis in vagina sex is.

So when I frame my criticism of the state of female orgasm in terms of it's lack within regular old penis-in-vagina intercourse, then I see that it strikes a nerve in some. It seems as though I'm ignoring all the experiences related to female orgasm (or lack there of) out there that have little to nothing to do with classic, hetero intercourse. In ignoring those experience, it is assumed that my more focused argument could not possibly be the whole story, and to some that in itself is enough to disregard the whole thing. I do, I get it, kind of.

On another level, I think it is a completely bogus criticism. My blog, my movie, and my activism are focused on the specifically physiological aspects of the female orgasm. The simple truth is that discussing things other than hetero norms of sex is really just not highly relevant to my activism. The ignorance about the female orgasm was born out of a world obsessed with prizing and preserving hetero, male-centric intercourse as the most important, fulfilling and legitimate type of sexual interaction. This ignorance has persisted, because frankly, that obsession, to this day - even 40 years after the sexual revolution, has not lessened much.

So, when I critique the culture of female orgasm, I largely critique hetero culture. There's simply not a lot of reason to do otherwise. It is what needs the critiques most - way way most.  Those of you out there who can see beyond the male-hetero-centric societal norms got there despite our culture, and probably incrementally. We must expect that getting anyone else to see beyond would entail first chipping away at the most normative aspects of our sexual culture.

Another reason I feel fine staying largely hetero-centric is because the larger sexual culture is so hetero centric that focusing on it alone is enough to spill into all other types of non-heterocentric sexualities. If you are a person who has a clit, a vagina, and not a penis (this includes those intersex individuals who have full or partial vaginas with a larger or more penis like clit), then as a group of physiologically similar people, our understanding of ourselves sexually is shaped in similar ways by the male-hetero-centric culture. So whether we grew to be a traditional hetero wife, a wildly sexual hetero lady, a trans individual, or a lesbian (wild or no), we still were all fed similar shit in our sexually formative years; depictions of women orgasming effortlessly from simple, hands free P in V intercourse; a sexual education that omitted information about your orgasm because it simply doesn't coincide with reproduction the way the male orgasm can; and insinuation after insinuation that made it seem intercourse in and of itself should be orgasmic for women and that we didn't have legit "sex" until penetration of our vaginas and male ejaculation occurred. Even for those of us who don't have to deal much with the orgasm perils of navigating P in V intercourse in our sex lives, we all still have to deal with the subtle male-centric hetero expectations that are tangled in our sexual upbringing. We were all still led to be confused about how, specifically, our own genitals work in relation to orgasm and how orgasms can best be facilitated with another person.

I feel like forming arguments about female orgasm in relation to the physiology of the female genitals and the actual physical connections that happen during the sex acts being discussed, allows the arguments I make, at their base, to be relatable for all people who carry around female or female-ish genitals. Even if I am discussing cis-gendered, hetero intercourse, the physical actions and the orgasmic physiology I discuss/critique would still apply to the bodies of highly male-gender-identifying lesbians or women who have never had sexual relations with any partners. This focus on the physical is where my activist interest sits; not in the emotional, relational, or spiritual aspects of a woman's orgasm.  This way of discussing female orgasm is rarely undertaken, but I believe it usually yields a more functional, more focused argument that is much easier to follow for more people than a piece of activist writing that tries to discuss female orgasm in terms of spirituality, emotion, relationships, or tries to touch on every aspect of every different sex/gender/preference possibility out there.

This brings me to my other point. I don't want to scare away the status quo folks. This may seem unfortunate, but speaking about things like patriarchal society or cis-gendered or bringing up homosexuality, trans individuals, or alternative relationships can be uncomfortable, distasteful, or scary to a lot of people. Even to fairly liberal, kind heteros like many of the people I know in my family and in my workplace, it can be boring or seem unrelatable. Most people haven't put much thought or learning time into the politics, philosophy, or science of a varied human sexuality, and aren't much interested or don't have much time to do so. These people are the majority, and when they begin to call bullshit on the female-orgasm-stifling cultural standard of sex, then things will start to change. If they begin to expect more realism in the male-hetero centric media, more female orgasms in their personal hetero sexual interactions, and more factual discussion in our hetero-centric education system, then we might actually be in for the sustaining cultural shift that I, and I imagine many of you, hope for.

I not only think this "hetero normative" approach will be a benefit for all the heteros out there who will begin gaining the tools for more mutually satisfying sexual relationships, but it can also make people who don't fit the old-school gender mode seem more relatable. Once a person sees that even a normal husband and a wife could have a fulfilling, orgasmic, sexual relationship without intercourse, and that it might even be better than the old fashioned ways, then he or she is equip to better appreciate and understand how 2 men, 2 women, or an intersex person could have a fulfilling sexual relationship. It becomes more clear that we all, no matter where we fit on the gender, sex, or preference scale, have an organ of sexual pleasure, and we can all enjoy a fully legit orgasm with any other person. That idea is actually pretty radical, but it could be significantly less of a stretch for many if they take the first step of re-imagining what is "normal" for hetero couples.

So, what I'm saying here is that when someone critiques one of my posts or my movie by simply saying it is hetero-centric, or hetero normative, or however he/she choose to say it; well, I just don't think that's a very thoughtful or interesting criticism, and I don't think it has an eye to activist strategy. Please, by all means, point out a specific area where a discussion of something non-heterocentric would have strengthened the points I made, but don't just disregard this stuff because you off-handily suppose I am not discussing enough aspects of enough gender/sexuality possibilities.


We're In A 30 Must See Sex Blogs List Ya'll!!!

Guess what? Well, if you didn't get it from the title of this post, then I'll reiterate. We're in a list of 30 sex blogs you just must see!!! Get Lusty did a list and we're on there among such names as Susie Bright. Plus there's some fairly famous sites like Early to Bed, Feministe, and The Good Men Project, and then of course there's the sexy fun blogger Dangerous Lily - who I think may have been the connection that links my blog to the people who made this list after she caught and re-posted my Mutual Masturbation is Hot post. I know it's not the biggest thing that's ever happened to me, but it's really exciting to see that someone I have never met found my blog somehow and recommended it on their blog. I certainly appreciate it.

Now it says that they are in no particular order, but I'd just like to point out that I'm #2, so...I'm gonna go with it.Check it out and check out some of the other recommended sites. I'm currently going through them myself, and who knows, maybe I'll find something that needs blogged about.


Orgasm Equality on World Sexual Health Day!!!

Hello all! You may not know it, but today, September 4th, is World Sexual Health Day. Now, sexual health in the most classic sense is not something I really have discussed on this blog, but I actually think that this blog is all about sexual health. It's not about condoms or disease or all the things we normally think about when we say sexual health; all the things you learn about in sex ed at school (if you were even lucky enough to have had a sex ed as part of your education). This blog is about the part of sexual health that is too sexy to talk about in school and too raw to discuss or depict accurately in the media. This blog is about the female orgasm; in all its glory, secrecy, confusion, and unfortunate scarcity. And, it's about the women who have to navigate their sexual lives within a culture that misleads both men and women about the realities of female sexual release. This blog to me is about Orgasm Equality.

I believe a healthy sexuality must include a feeling of control and empowerment over one's own sexual release. Women as a whole are not there yet. Certainly not to the extent men are. My blog and my movie are a part of a long but largely hidden line of activism that works to change that. So, today on World Sexual Health Day, I just want to say aloud (or on a blog, I guess) that I am passionate about this issue, and I think everyday about how to push it further and to more people. Orgasm Equality, my friends!!!!!


5 Minutes to Orgasm Everytime You Make Love - an SSL Review

Hold the phones. I found the book of my dreams. Okay, not the book of my dreams. I have a couple really, but this is a book of my dreams, and honestly, that's a little intensified because it was so unexpected. 5 Minutes to Orgasm Everytime you Make Love by D. Claire Hutchins; it's exactly what I've been scouring the sex advice section of bookstores over the past 14 years for. I found it at a Half Priced Books here in Indy (I do love that place).

Frankly, the title turned me off along with the cover that included a woman with eyes close, face upturned in pleasure. It looked like some gimmicky, bullshit book that was going to go through breathing exercises or something like that so women could relax and really be in the moment - that, they would say will guarantee a quick orgasm every time. I thought it would be ridiculous and irritating, and so of course, I had to read a bit to get the gist.

Turns out, it was what I hoped every other advice book I looked into would be; realistic, to the point, and absolutely correct. I'll sum it up in a couple lines. If you want to orgasm quickly, easily, and reliably when having sex, then get your hand down there, and do it. That's it. If you already masturbate, you know how to do it. Just incorporate that into your sex act. If you don't masturbate, get to learning. Take ownership over your orgasm just like men take ownership over theirs. Stop handing over the responsibility of your orgasm to your partner.

There is, of course, more information in there about how to move in that direction. I will say, too, that it goes along in a self-help-y step by step way that is kind of unnecessary in my opinion, but it's probably more marketable. Plus, it's fine. The content is so right on I couldn't possibly complain...and bonus - it's a super, super quick read, and that's coming from an extremely slow reader like myself. If you are currently able to orgasm during masturbation, but would like to orgasm more frequently or easily during partner sex, this is absolutely the book I would recommend. If you haven't masturbated yet and want to orgasm more frequently or easily during partner sex, then I recommend first to read For Yourself and then pick up this book. That's the only sex advice I will give, and it boils down to know how to masturbate and use it during partnered sexual activity.

That this book and these sentiments are novel, blows my mind. Most women who masturbate can orgasm easily, reliably, and quickly. Yet, we still have this strong cultural storyline of women's orgasms being the "slowcooker." We're supposedly less capable and equip to orgasm, and we supposedly tie our orgasm to emotion more. That's what sexperts, scientists, and cultural lore tells us and what we tell ourselves. We take 30 minutes. Men take 5. Yeah, if you're talking about intercourse, where a man is getting plenty of penile stimulation and a woman is getting little to no clitoral stimulation. It's stupid. Women need clit stimulation to orgasm, men need penile stimulation. Intercourse alone does one of those things very well. If we put all that together, it's easy to see that women could orgasm easily during sex. We just need to think of sex differently and make it happen.

This is not the only book out there that says this, but it is the only book that I've seen made after the early 70's that does. Some feminist books during that time, like The Hite Report, say the same stuff. 5 Minutes to Orgasm was made in 1998, just around the time I was becoming sexually active, but I never saw this book or the books of the early 70's. I, and I'm guessing any other woman who's figured this out in her own sex life, had to come to it on her own through trial, error, and often a supportive partner. That's a damn shame. This is simple stuff, but our cultural understanding of sex has us so confused and mixed up that we can't see it clearly. Reading the reviews of this book on Amazon and Overstock are even more discouraging. Women are very resistant to this kind of advice. There is still a deep, strong feeling out there that women should be able to have fabulous orgasms simply from the act of intercourse, and any other way of achieving orgasm is not real or is lesser in some way. If that's your feeling, then good luck finding that illusive magical secret to orgasming reliably, quickly, and easily during intercourse. Let me know how that turns out.

 The books of the 70's and this book, should have changed the way we think about and approach sex in this culture. Yes, they have pushed against that wall, but it hasn't been broken yet. My movie (Science, Sex and the Ladies) will definitely help push, and I hope, hope, hope, something will break - even if it's just a crack.

Thanks D. Claire Hutchins. I will be after you for an interview - so watch out!