Cosmo SSL Review - Jan 2013 #1

Waiting in line during Christmas shopping, Charlie and I saw the Jan 2013 Cosmopolitan Magazine: With Bonus Big Fat Astrology Guide to Your Love Life in 2013! So we were thumbing through it, and since we were on a kind of money bleeding splurge anyway, we decided to buy it. I say it was a good buy, too. Not only did I find out that I should be careful who I vent my job frustrations to, but it (as Cosmos always do) also has tons of discussions of female orgasm, which are begging to be SSL critiqued.

In all seriousness, Cosmo is something that young women and teenagers love to get their hands on. It is supposed to be for adult professional women, but honestly, it reads like a spicier version of Seventeen, and a lot of young people get their early learnings about orgasm from it. It is influential in this way, and so I think it should be critiqued harshly and often.

So, as I'm reading this Cosmo, I am noting articles that discuss female orgasm and writing SSL Review posts for each of them. This is the first, and it involves the section called "Confessions."  It's just like YM magazine's "Say Anything" column about readers' most embarrassing moments, and although it's more sexy, the things discussed as "embarrassing" are just as juvenile.

Anyway, Christine K. writes in saying that after a few dates with a guy, she invited him over for a night in to watch some movies, which she said "we both knew was code for hooking up." Ol' Christine K. was cleaning up the apartment furiously the day of, and had stuffed all her random knickknancks into her bedside table. Well, the lovebirds were all snuggled in her bed about to start watching a movie, when her man asked where the remote was...and well let me have her tell you the rest.

I remembered I'd thrown it into the drawer of my bedside table with the other clutter when I was cleaning, so I told him to reach in there and get it, since it was on his side. Well, he grabbed what he thought was my remote control...and pulled out my vibrator! I was so embarrassed, I couldn't even get into the mood after that. #SexFail
-Christine K.
 Come on, since when is the uncovering of a vibrator a Sex Fail? That's a Sex Win! Seriously though, this is a grown ass woman who invited a grown ass man over to her home with the shared assumption that the two will engage in sexual acts. Yet, for some reason, the very idea that this grown, clearly sexual woman might own a vibrator is somehow appalling and humiliating. Is it that he might know that she, gasp, masturbates? Is it that seeing a vibrator might let on to her man friend that she is, my lord, interested in sex (even though she already invited him over for what she and he both know is for a sexual encounter)? It just seems exceedingly silly and ridiculous that a woman would be so mortified by a potential lover finding her vibrator; so mortified in fact that she completely lost interest in the sexual encounter. I mean, really, finding a vibrator should get the party started, not ruin the mood. I think this just goes to show how awkward our society still is about women and our endeavors into our own sexual pleasure.

It's unfortunate that a magazine supposedly promoting female sexual confidence would publish a letter about the finding of a vibrator by a potential male sex partner in a section about dirty secrets and embarrassing events. It just lets all the women (and particularly the very young women) reading this know that masturbating or taking your sexual pleasure into your own hands is so strange and mortifying, that it's a #SexFail. I'd call this a #CosmoFail

This article gets 1 vulva. It only misses the 0 vulva rating because it acknowledges that women own vibrators.



Random Hite Report 3

It's been a lovely Christmas this 2012, so lovely in fact, that I don't feel like spending much time on writing. That's why I made Charlie type while I read a page from The Hite Report. He is absolutely the better typer, so it was a good and quick choice. And so this, my friends, is the third installment of "Random Hite Report!!" As you know, I love the Hite Report, and frankly, I think everyone needs to read it. I think that reading the thoughts and experiences of these women is useful and important; particularly because even 40 years later they are still so relevant to what's happening in the sexual lives of modern women. Read it - that's all I'm sayin'.

As always, this is one page of the book, flipped to randomly, so it may begin and end abruptly. Enjoy the read.

Pg. 62 The Hite Report Dell. 1976.

mutual activities. Perhaps in the future, we will be able to feel we have the right to enjoy masturbation too - to touch, explore, and enjoy our own bodies in any way we desire, not only when we are alone but also when we are with another person. "The importance of masturbation," as one woman put it, "is really to love and care for yourself totally, as a natural way of relating to your own body. It is a normal activity that would logically be a part of any woman's life."  

"Do you enjoy masturbating?" 

Most women said they enjoyed masturbation physically (after all, it did lead to orgasm), but usually not psychologically.

    Psychologically, they felt lonely, guilty, unwanted, selfish, silly, and generally bad. Other words that were frequently used included "uncomfortable, adrift, uneasy, pathetic, ashamed, empty, cheap, dirty, self-centered, silly, disgusted," and "self-conscious." as one woman said, "Too me, masturbation seems lonely, childish, self-absorbed; everything I'd rather not have as part of my sex experience. I do it sometimes, but I wouldn't brag about it in public." Other women gave similar opinions:   
    "Physically, I enjoy it, especially if I'm not in a hurry. Psychologically, I sometimes enjoy it but often I feel too self conscious or embarrassed or even guilty, to really get into it. I don't masturbate too often, because I'm sort of prejudiced in favor of sex with a partner, and I'm living with a man (my husband) from whom I'm almost never separated and who usually wants to have sex with me as often as I want to with him. But sometimes I just feel like masturbating and sometimes if we fuck and I don't come, I masturbate afterwards, and sometimes we like for him to hold me while I masturbate, but not really all that often. I probably only masturbate about once a month at most."
    "Yes, I enjoy masturbating. Psychologically I'm not sure. Its not so much that I feel I am doing something 'dirty,' but it does tend to reinforce my fears of being


Play by David Banner - The SSL Review

This is my first time SSL reviewing a song. I've thought about it many times, but for some reason I've just never done it. There are mounds upon mounds of songs out there that I would have to give negative SSL reviews for...I mean men can't get enough of singing about how awesome their own dicks are at getting ladies off. However, I recently heard a non-radio cut of the 2005 song "Play" by David Banner, and I felt compelled to give this dirty ass song a good SSL review...that's right, I said good.

When I used to hear this all the time on the radio back when it first came out, I didn't think much of it because the most awesome part of the song, the word "clit," was edited out (the radio version is changed in a few ways). It just seemed like a song about wanting to get a lady wet (in the vag area - if ya catch my drift). However, I now realize it's a song about encouraging a lady to "play with" or "work" her clit till she comes. That's really all the song talks about. There's no talk about him making her come with his big cock or any of those things we usually hear in a sexy song. It's just about a girl sweating hard, masturbating her clit, and getting all slippery down there, but the most amazing part is simply that it says the word "clit." Of all the insane amount of explicit songs out there about females doing sexual things, only a handful ever say clit, and in songs sung by men, it's even less. You'd think the clit would be pretty prominent since it is the female pleasure organ and should be as much a part of sexy music as the dick clearly is, but it's just not the case. The other fantastic aspect of this song is that the guy singing obviously likes what's going on. It's a hot song, so it gives off the idea that a woman playing with her clit till she comes is hot.

I just thought I should give this song the shout-out it deserves for its accurate discussions of what might cause female orgasm, its use of the word clit, and for sexifying the idea of women working their clits to orgasm during a partnered sex act. This is a rare and progressive song. It's just sad, though, that society couldn't reap the benefits even with all the radio play it got because the word "clit" was censored, thus losing the whole meaning of the song.


Some Pics From Our Final Shoot

Me and Barnaby's cat on set
So, Science, Sex and the Ladies is, well, like 95% done. It's all edited; the insane amount of compositing is finished; sound effects and credits are all done, and the score is written. We will be recording the score in February and getting a final sound sweetening, but other than that the movie is done. Well, that was until we looked at it again a couple weeks ago, and just could no longer abide by a small part in the early movie. It always bothered us, but suddenly, it just seemed like it dragged the movie down in an unacceptable way. So, we did the only thing we could; we threw together a bad-ass re-shoot in about 10 days. It was merely a 3 minute scene, but it pulled the first part of the movie together better than we even hoped for. The even better part was that we shot this in a real set (created in Barnaby's living room), so didn't have any green screen post work to do.

The scene took place at slumber party in the late 80's, with mom and dad having a frank discussion with the girls about the physiology of a female orgasm. Alicia Walker, Elle Beals, and Emma Weber all played our slumber partiers. I got to be the mom, and Barnaby got to be the Dad. Sarah Murrell was our spectacular (and I really truly mean that) make-up artist. Mr. Jake Fritz boomed for us, and our nephew Drake joined us as much needed additional crew.

This was a fun shoot, not just because of the sweet 80's stylings, but because the people were great. Thanks to all our cast and crew. This is the actual, truly true, final shoot for SSL, and you all made it a great one! Enjoy the pics.

Alicia enjoying a brew and some sweet keyboarding on set (she was allowed to drink because she didn't have a line, was over 21, and is super cool)

Barnaby, looking like the sensitive and knowledgeable father he is. His profession is probably in psychology.

Elle rockin' a rad 'do

The whole cast

Emma, with stale popcorn and awesome crimped hair

Jake Fritz, our boom operator, eating gross prop popcorn and looking good

Charlie and Drake working hard

Borowicz's looking suave


New Girl: Season 2 Episode 9 - The SSL Review

I was watching the latest episode of the TV show New Girl recently, and as luck would have it, there was a storyline about female orgasm. Of course the word orgasm was never said, being that this was on network television, but this episode is clearly a piece of media that contributes to the cultural understanding of female sexual release. More simply, I'm saying this episode is more than eligible for an SSL review.

A little about New Girl. It's a network sitcom starring Zooey Deschenel, and it took me about 5 or 6 episodes to get into. It wasn't that funny at first, and honestly if I didn't have Netflix and wasn't able to watch all the first episodes in like 2 hours; if I would have had to wait a week between each episode, I would have just stopped after the 1st or 2nd. I didn't though, and I think it's pretty funny now. It's come into its own, and largely because of Schmidt (Max Greenfield), who happens to be the character that my SSL review revolves around.

Some background on Schmidt; he's a dude that values expensive taste in his clothing, decor, food, personal beauty products, etc. He's kind of a shallow ass in that way, but he's also a man that values the emotional side of friendship, thoughtful consideration, good social manners and cleanliness. He's actually pretty awesome in this other way. Schmidt also believes he is a connoisseur of the ladies. The clues in the show thus far have indicated that he is phenomenal in bed. There seems to be nothing that is off limits when it comes to enjoying the pleasures of the flesh. He is open to all things and all knowledge. His endeavors are often made out to be over the top weird, vocal, costume-y, and quite pleasing to the ladies.

In this episode, after a raucous night of sex, with his boss, she tells him that she wasn't even close to "getting there," and he is immediately devastated. I think he actually says his whole world view is broken now.

Luckily, there is a dinner party going on outside his bedroom door which includes a lesbian gynecologist, and Schmidt being Schmidt immediately titles her a "va-genius" and asks her for advice - which she agrees to give if he makes an appointment at her office. He makes the appointment, goes, and in the office the Va-genius pulls out a diagram to help show him what she normally would do to please a lady. The audience sees clearly that this is a picture of the inner female reproductive system, but we no longer see the picture or where they are pointing when they start talking.

Let me reiterate. This picture is all vag, cervix, uterus and fallopian tubes. There are no outer female genitals at all, and the straight on, floating-baby-making-parts style of the pic does not let on that the clitoris or labia even exist. Anyway, Va-genius begins to instruct using the picture, but Schmidt takes over, telling her all the things he likes to do. He goes on a passionate rant that involves all kinds of outrageously vague euphemisms, like "tying a ribbon because it's birthday time." There is no way to know what the hell he means, but what we do know is that the Va-genius is getting all hot and bothered. Pulling herself together, she confirms his belief that he too is a Va-genius, and that he should do just fine pleasing a woman. In the end, he and his boss decide that the problem is that they just aren't clicking because they're not in love.

So....what, my friends, does this insinuate about what is needed for a woman to orgasm? This episode's message, in my opinion, is a much clearer message than we usually get from media about female orgasm. Every indication is that manipulating the vagina is what gets a lady there. There was no mention, not even a slight insinuation, that the clitoris exists. It was all vagina, all the time. Now, granted, a lot of people use the word vagina, incorrectly I might add, when they mean vulva. So, I might have given New Girl a very slight benefit of the doubt, but I can't because when the "Va-geniuses" are discussing how to "get a woman there," they where showing how to do that on a picture of the inner reproductive orgasms only. They could have left the picture as vague as the euphemisms they were using, but they didn't. They specifically linked female orgasm to the vagina. The clit had nothing to do with it according to this show.

It doesn't matter to me whether any of this was done for laughs or because of something like decency laws. No matter the reason behind it, it is misleading, incorrect, and ultimately shitty for our cultural understanding of the female orgasm (although it's also a completely status quo way of speaking about it). There was a clear insinuation that women orgasm through vaginal stimulation (although it is quite murky what is stimulating the vagina in those wierd euphemisms - hand? toy? penis?...who knows). There was no mention of the clitoris at all, and since the overwhelming culture sense is (incorrectly) that vaginal stimulation causes orgasm, this episode did nothing but heavily reinforce that misinformtion.

I'm giving this episode a 0 vulva rating. I'm particularly saddened because the Schmidt character lends itself so well to being the douchy dude who unexpectedly schools everyone on his actually quite progressive understanding of the clitoris and the female orgasm. Instead, he is nothing but status quo cultural ignorance, deceptively disguised as sexual genius. It's maddening really.


Maybe Our Orgasm Experiences Are More Alike Than We'd Think, Ladies

Hello, as I said before I feel like I should be highlighting blog posts and articles out there that are adding positively to the effort for orgasm equality. So, today I'd like to point all of you to a blog post by the fantastic blogger of at In Bed With Married Women. 

She wrote a blog, strangely titled Title This Post Contest, about her frustration of being a woman who needs clitoral stimulation to orgasm in a world where it seems so many other women just come at the drop of a hat. Now, full disclosure, she mentions one of my posts in her blog, but I promise, that's not why I'm singling her post out. Frankly, I thought her post was brave, and it really made me feel hopeful.

I think we ladies need to talk more bravely and openly about our real, physical experiences and about how we feel about our own experience versus what we expected our experiences to be. We need to be honest about how frustrated we sometimes get, and how confused we sometimes are, and  how much we compare our orgasm lives (or lack there of) to what we believe other women's to be. I think if we all start letting our guard down more and speaking honestly to each other, then we just might see that we all have more similar experiences than we ever thought. We might see that these things we feel frustrated about and bad about, are less personal problems and more larger cultural problems. Anyway, thank you Jill from In Bed With Married Women for creating a courageous awesome post.

Here's the beginning of her post, which I like, but I suggest you read the whole post, especially since she did something awesome like offer a vibrator prize to the reader who best named that post - as long as that reader was one who also needed the ol' clit stim.
So I was going through your responses to the questions about clit-vag distance and its relation/non-relation to your propensity to come via straight-on intercourse alone (Woo! Sexy talk. Is it hot in here?) and now I am just...depressed. Or possibly pissed off. At the very least, I am most certainly miffed.
Why? Because of those among you who can have an orgasm--like no problem--with no other kind of hand stimulation, mouth assistance, divine intervention--nothing. Practically all the time.
For example, in response to "Do you come easily, sometimes or never via intercourse alone?"

Anonymous commented:
"rather easily and usually multiple times"

And Naomi bragged answered:
"always come easily, no fingers or appliances needed (or even wanted, too distracting from the main event)"

For me, coming from just fucking alone has happened--maybe--five times. In my life. And that's rounding up.
It's biological tyranny, I say.
For men and the rare lucky chick who just needs a little in-and-out to come "rather easily and usually multiple times," let me explain. I think porn and romance novels and the in-and-out chicks have skewed what we think is a "normal" sexual response. Despite what we see and read all the damn time, the majority of women need some sort of extra stimulation to have an orgasm. The vast majority of women. That's just how it is.

Several men and women, who I consider to be generally enlightened, have mentioned variations of "it just takes the right man"--which is, I think, only true to a certain extent. Yes, some men are much better lovers. Yes, some men's parts are more compatible with your own. And yes, some men will get you so hot you could practically come from their gaze. All of these are good and can help.

However, in most women, the clit is where things are happening. But in a cruel twist of nature, Today's Generally Accepted Fuck Moves are happening in the vagina, which is annoyingly close to the clit, but...not...quite...there. Men, picture if your main sensory pleasure center was, say, on your perineum but you were expected to get to your bliss via regular old boning. You could get close. Your balls might rub against there occasionally, or you might figure out some crazy-ass position that sort of almost did the trick. But it wouldn't the kind of direct you-are-there-stimulation you'd need.


Ladies Like To Watch Men Doin' It, Or At Least I Do

Hey ya'll, I just got inspired (thanks DaveJ) to say that I think gay porn is pretty hot, and sometimes I prefer it over straight porn. Why? I will tell you why.

1. Lots of dudes with hot muscly bodies (unless it's some gross 80's gay porn with gross dudes)
2. Lots of lovely hard man junk
3. Complete lack of female faces covered in jizz
4. No fake boobs, in fact no boobs at all - cause honestly, they're kind of boring.

For real though, straight porn often has ugly dudes and women who...let's say...don't look like they are really having a good time. Gay porn is just dirty, hot sex without all the gross, boring, painful, and not in any way orgasmic things that happen to women in straight porn. Plus, it focuses on male bodies, which - surprise - is what I, as a straight woman, am into.

I know I'm not the only one. Holla if you're with me ladies!