5.23.2018

Random Hite Report #27



Hello, welcome again to one of my favorite segments on the SSL blog, Random Hite Report! (And sorry for the 12 day lull in posts. New job, stolen computer, new city...I just decided to chill 'til I got a new computer and wasn't as hectic) It's simple really. I flip through the pages of the The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality  (or sometimes The Hite Report on Male Sexuality) by a one Ms. Shere Hite and copy the contents of the page where I land - no more no less. Anyone who reads my blog will know that this 1976 book is a fave of mine; not only because of its realistic and progressive insight about the female orgasm that is still shockingly relevant 40 years later,  but also because of its very touching insight into the lives of the women who took part in this huge, comprehensive survey. This is an under-appreciated and under-read book if you ask me - I suggest you buy it online (seriously, you can get them for like 1 cent) and read it.



 So, sit back, getcha a beverage, and enjoy a little...Random Hite Report.

The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality Dell. 1976.
Pg. 482  From the chapter "Sex and Emotions" in the section SEXUAL REVOLUTION. These are survey answers related to, unsurprisingly, the sexual revolution and emotions related to sex, under the heading, "Overwhelmingly, women wanted sex with feeling."

...together. No one knows where the other person is at, and what attracts one may turn off another. Everyone wants to try everything, but not stick to any one thing, so they change from day to day, and are bewildered by the way they and their friends reverse opinions and trade partners. I'm not saying the old way was better, but I'm afraid of what kind of life I can look forward to. I'm not married, but even if I do get married it seems that my marriage has a small chance of surviving. And I don't see the advantage of this style, frankly."
    "I'm confused as hell about the 'sexual revolution.' My husband and I lived and slept together for over a year before we were married -- and that was fine. We loved each other and was some kind of commitment between us. The summer before I was married, my (then) fiance was away and I slept twice with another man because I was curious. Fine. As I mentioned earlier, I lost my virginity to a friend, a bit of a cold way to start out, but I was scared and wanting to get laid, so he helped me out. Fine. But extramarital sex after a man and woman have made a big commitment to each other - I can't buy. I moved out on my husband when he took on a girl friend because I couldn't stand the pain. A year later, right no, we're negotiating. We seem to be at a stalemate. I hate to think of myself as behind the times, but I can't hack anything but monogamy."
    "I still believe the greatest sexual satisfaction comes from having a partner you care about. I've gone through stages of having several lovers and thinking I was really liberated. But I'm much more fulfilled now with one caring partner."
    "I went along with the sexual revolution quite a while until I realized that holding my feelings back was causing me a lot of anguish. I was very depressed. I tried opening communication lines up -  that was part of the problem but not all of it. Now, in love with my lover and trusting him, I can see how all that damaged me - made my trust mechanisms inhibited by sex.For a while I stopped having sex with him because I couldn't..."

5.11.2018

Put Your Dicks Away, Like, For Real.


Here's a retro post from April of 2016, about the best comic Orgasm Equality song I've yet to hear. Enjoy 'Put Your Dick Away.' 

At the end of Amy Schumer's last episode of Season 3, there was an absolutely spectacular celebration of female-centered sexuality by comedian Bridget Everett called, I believe, Put Your Dick Away. And, I'm going to go further and tell you that it's straight up revolutionary shit she's doing. I'm adding her directly into my Orgasm Equality Hero list - because she deserves it.

Bridget Everett

The beautiful part is that it was funny as shit too. Like I'm always saying, truly lady-based sexual humor is a largely untapped area of comedy. Although talking about sex is nothing new for the ladies, strangely, talking about hetero sex in a truly selfish yet horn-ified way and keeping it clit instead of vagina centric is still super shocking and edgy...In a way it's really that women talking about sex that truly uses men is still really wild and scary (and btw - comedy about making a man fuck an insatiable vagina until he's tired out doesn't count - that's like saying you're 'using' your friend by obsessively cleaning their house to fulfill your cleaning fetish until they're kinda bored of you being around their house).

Can I just say again that I LOVED this goddamn Put Your Dick Away song. It was so on-point, funny, and deeply true - as some of the best comedy is. I really find it exciting to see more and more comedians expressing in this way about sex and masturbation.  Amy Schumer's got the triple crown of 5 vulva ratings in podcastsTV and Movies, so she is doing her part. The ladies of Saturday Night Live are tappin' in from time to time. Margret Cho did her part back in the day (although I think the world wasn't quite ready yet). Of course they're others too -add 'em in the comments if you got 'em.

So, here's my favorite set of lyrics. It brings a little revolutionary tear to my eye.

When I come home at the end of the day and my fingers are down to the bone. My back is achin' don't there be no mistaken, I'm gonna call my girl on the phone.Then I'll pour a glass of wine. I'm gonna take my time. I'm gonna get my shit relaxed.And when I say it's fucking time, you're gonna lick my valentine, and don't forget the crack. So put yoooooour diiiick, puuuuuut your diiiiick, put your dick away.

Indeed.

Anyway, I think humor is probably the best path to Orgasm Equality. For instance: Some dudes don't want to believe that you might GREATLY prefer for them to mouth-fuck your clit instead of gettin' that dick up in it, but if they hear it as a joke, it lubes the idea up just enough to slip it in the back door...just enough to wonder about if the next girl they hook up with even actually cares to see or touch his junk at all. The way I see it, if we ever want orgasm equality guys need go into a sexual encounter just as worried about the possibility that they'll be used for their mouth and sent on their way as women are about getting a terrible, orgasm-less bang. We are not to that point yet. I mean guys pretty much assume an orgasm in any  sexual situation, so we do have a long way to go yet. But one day, with everyone equally scared they could end up giving more than they get, maybe everyone will start putting in equal effort, and orgasmic joy will reign on earth - amiright?

But seriously, check this woman out. There's no official video of this song up on YouTube that I can find. So you're just going to have to watch her on Inside Amy Schumer S3 E10 (3 Buttholes) or watch her recent Stand-up (which I'm gonna do tonight). Do it.

5.05.2018

MeTelling Cosmo Readers to Rub on Stacks of Laundry in Their Panties



If you read this blog you know that I have some straight up love for some of the Cosmo sex writing. Yes, cool people are supposed to make fun of Cosmo Sex Position lists, but that's stupid because the Cosmo Sex Position lists have been bringing their A-game, full on clit focused and yet still often hilarious shit. It's actually at the forefront of the Orgasm Equality Revolution, so suck it. Jill Hamilton and the editors and illustrators that support her are bringing that Revolution, ya'll.

So on that note, I would like to introduce to my SSL world Lane Moore. She's the Sex and Relationship Editor at Cosmo. From my understanding, she wrote a post about ways to masturbate, and Jill was tasked with doing some additions for an updated version to put out there. So, Jill asked me if I would like to be one of the experts in there and I of course said yes. I mean, I am not going to turn down the chance to have my name in Cosmo because that's awesome motha fuckas. Plus, I like thinking of clit-tastic things to do while alone or with a partner. So she sent me the link to the original, because my solo-sex position couldn't be something already in there. What I found was clit focused stuff, which was awesome as shit. They even talked about penetration, but didn't act like you could forget about the clit stimulation during it. That's big. I mean you'd think that talking about masturbation of course it'd be clit-focused, but sadly that's not usually the case.

So, I was super stoked about being part of that, and decided to talk about rubbing your underwear covered vulva against something soft. It's how I masturbated from about 4 to 18, and it's awesome. They didn't have room to add in my advice about keeping a hand under the soft thing to push up against you as you grind down on it, so I thought I'd add that in here. It's a journey, people. Try different things until it feels right.

This whole thing reminded me how much I love this way of masturbating. I actually felt weird about it after I started being sexual with a real live person in my late teens and felt like I needed to teach myself a more 'correct' way of masturbating. So, I started using my hand on my clit until I was able to come from it. I am pretty adept now 20 years later, but it took me a couple weeks of trying before I was able to make it work. It was too intense for me at first. Anyway, I think about that sometimes and how sad it was that I thought the way I masturbated wasn't cool enough because it's not what you see on TV or movies or porn. It works like a motha fucka though, and to all my sisters out there who come this way, high fives to all of you. I don't do it this way enough. I may hit it this way tonight.

So, check out the article. You'll enjoy.

How To Masturbate For Women - 12 Masturbation Tips by Lane Moore and Jill Hamilton

5.01.2018

Sex And The City S1 E1-2: A Retro SSL Review



My new little segment is back for a another round (Here's the others). It's a modified, lazy version of an SSL Review. It's just me transcribing my notes, page by page, on all of the Sex and the City episodes. I watched them all - not necessarily in order - during 2007 and 2008, and I took notes on the depiction/discussion of female orgasm and female masturbation. It was my early attempt at this type of lady-gasm review stuff. Anyway, I never actually created reviews from these notes, but since they exist, I'd like to get them out there on the interwebs before they get burned in a house fire or something...thus this series.

Ramona and my SATC Notes

Anyway, the fun of this will be that I will transcribe these as word for word as I can while still trying to make it be a sensible read. I'll post a pick of the notes for your reference. I'll do one or more episodes at a time - from the beginning of the notebook to the end. I may add notes for clarification or add my SSL-Review-style comments.

Hopefully the notes I took privately 10 years ago won't make me look like a dumb asshole. I will add them in the TV SSL Review Master List  (of course you are also welcome to check out the Movie SSL Review Master List as well). Here we go.



Sex And The City Season 1 Episodes 1 and 2

Season 1 Episode 1
- Go have sex "like a man"  - meaning withouth feelings
-Carrie doing guy who was best sex of her life  - she orgasms off camera, he comes up from under covers. He says, "My Turn." She says, "no - gotta go." V.O says it was good especially without all the emotional shit.
    very good
Except - the dude sees Carrie later and says it's awesome that she understands the sex relationship he always wanted  - but in V.O. she says she doesn't get it.
-Samantha goes home with guy then he looks like he's going down on her.

Season 1 Episode 2
-Some dude Carrie's talking to showed her sex tapes w/ him and models, looks like porn - he's self-involved and the girls seem to be enjoying themselves.
-Samantha being fucked. They tape it - she's looking at the camera like he was (me: in the model videos).

My Thoughts
I actually just watched these episodes again recently with a friend, so I'm pretty familiar at this moment with what was happening in them. I really LOVED that when Carrie decided she should try to 'have sex like a man' they depicted it in what I think it the most important and kinda least discussed aspect of 'having sex like a man' - which is getting your orgasm without your partner not getting one.

She got her orgasm from a little oral and said - 'see ya.' I. Love. That.

They talked a lot about sex like a man being about lack of emotion, but I think that's just something this world tells itself to sooth the deep sad fact that men have the luxury of pursuing sex with the opposite sex just to get off and women really don't have that luxury...I mean we can, but it's just so fucking hard to do it.

We can get off, it's not like female bodies are less capable, It's just that the 'normal' sex scripts are not focused on the clitoral glans (which is what women need stimulated to orgasm) and uber-focused on the penis and intercourse (which is shit at getting women off). For a woman to orgasm with a man, she needs to be very specific and direct and have a man that doesn't get offended or confused in order to move past the basic not-great-for-lady-gasm sexual scripts that we all tend to just move through without much discussion. Plus, even if the guy is cool to try whatever and the gal is very clear and knows what to tell him to get her off, there's this weird thing where maybe being so specific and detailed and worrying how it might be received gets her into her head and out of her arousal, and maybe even if the guy is cool with it, it's not something in his normal sex toolbox and he feels a little in his head and out of his arousal as well.

I'm just saying it's an up-hill battle for women. However, for men, the normal sexual scripts, if everyone plays along - and we all often do, are great for his orgasm. And a vagina to put his dick in, even if there is no sexual skill in that woman with the vagina, is a FAB masturbation tool for a dick, so there's a lot going right for the dude-gasm.

Point is, I think it's a bunch of B.S. to pin the way men have sex on a lack of emotion. Men have the luxury of not having to focus so much on the emotional parts of sex because they, unlike women have the orgasmic parts of sex so available to them that they can hang their hats on that in a way women can't. That's the real story you should be writing about, Ms. Bradshaw. (but she doesn't, buy the end of the episode she just kinda ignores the whole orgasm aspect and brings it back to emotion - Blah)

Other than that - I liked seeing Samantha's sexual encounter allude to some cunnilingus. I just obviously appreciate 2 pussy-eatings in the first episodes in the first episode of a female centric TV show about sex.

Also, there was no orgasm in the model tapes or the Samantha and model-guy tape, so I can't really SSL review it. You're free to make your own thoughts up about it.

4.22.2018

Inside Amy Schumer S3 Ep5 - The SSL Review



Inside Amy Schumer Season1 Episode 4
This show makes me laugh, and here's the best part - Amy Schumer tends to bring it when it comes to realism and female sexuality. She brought it in her movie Trainwreck, in The Joe Rogan Podcast, and largely in the other episodes of this show I've SSL Reviewed so far. She has shown a strong willingness to give the clit the glory it deserves, speak some truths about lady sex experiences, rep for actual lady-gasms - all things largely absent in media and also incredibly important to Orgasm Equality. (She could use some schooling and humbling when it comes to speaking about race though).



The SSL Reviewable
There is plenty to SSL Review in this show. And for those that don't yet know, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussions or depictions of female orgasm, female masturbation, or the clit. I focus on that and really only that (unless I want to talk about something else). I'm looking mainly at realism and about how the depiction/discussion plays in the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and women's sexuality. This particular SSL Review will be interesting. I'll just describe the scenes and we can go from there.

Please, my friends, do enjoy more SSL Reviews for MOVIES and TV SHOWS.

A Bakery in Maine!
So here's the scene:These upper-middle class women are in an upper-middle class kitchen talking as friends. They're talking about how awesome their lives are, but then they each 'tell their truth' and then describe a fantasy they have that always ends in them opening a bakery in Maine. It quickly goes off the rails. Below are the 2 SSL pertinent fantasies.

The 1st.
Amy: Even though it's been like 10 years, I just fall like a little more in love with Jeff every day. Just, like, a little more.
They all have ahhh faces and sigh.
Amy: But you know what? When Jeff is, like, violently refusing to go down on me, you know?
They all look around, like, yeah, uh huh, that's normal, and we get it.
Amy: I kinda fantasize about just like snap chatting a picture of my tits to the UPS guy and just opening a bakery in Maine!
The 2nd
Greta Lee: You guys, I'm so blissfully happy. I gave up my career to home college Tim's adult son. It is so rewarding, but sometimes when I'm sharpening his crayons, I have this fantasy bout giving a homeless guy one of those giant jackpot checks and then masturbating furiously in my Rav4 as the bank teller explains that it's fake. Then zipping up I-95 and opening up the cutest bakery in Maine!

Face Sitting is Better
Amy Goes Deep is a segment where Amy sits down and kind of interviews some person - anyone from a comic friend to her waxer, This time it is with Sharleen Joynt from "The Bachelor."
Amy: Do people sneak into his room and, like, blow him?
Sharleen: I think it can be done.
Amy: I'm so lazy. I'd sneak into his room and sit on his face.
My SSL Take 
So, these are largely just jokes that, I assume were pushed to be a bit more shocking by adding the more raunchy stuff in, so there's nothing incredibly deep here, but I would like to mention a couple things about this that I find poignant about the mentions of orgasm, masturbation, etc. here.


  • When Amy talks about her husband 'violently refusing to go down on her' and all the women nod as if it's something they deal with too, I think a statement is being made here, people. That's some social commentary on how common it is for women to deal with men refusing to or simply not really ever giving oral sex (although they feel fine expecting to receive it). This is something women deal with and it hits home, but it in and of itself is too real to be the joke. The joke is how easily the friends accept it, how ridiculously okay with that terrible fate these ladies are, and how aggressive she made out the refusal to be. My point here is that I like that Amy as a comedian sort of had that insight about how that joke could play on the line between too real and  over-the-top to become a solidly funny line that also hit home a bit. I think that's the kind of thing we need more women in comedy for. Ladies can have insight that opens up a treasure trove of too-real sex comedy largely that has yet been untapped by the over-represented men that have been hogging the spotlight of the comic world.
  • Greta lee talking about rubbing off to a mean joke she played on a homeless man is just pure raunch, for joke sake, but I LOVE that masturbation was used for a woman's raunch jokery at all. It's common for men to throw in masturbation related things in comedy to ramp up the shock factor, but it's still often strangely too uncomfortable when women use it. I love women talking about their masturbation in any context because the more we hear that stuff coming out of women's mouths the more normalized masturbation becomes and the better off the fight for orgasm equality.
  • Amy switching a conversation about giving a dude orgasmic pleasure around to her getting orgasmic pleasure instead as a better option, is something that she does often, and something that I couldn't be happier about. That is what we need more of - ladies being unabashed about how they want dudes to manipulate their clits into orgasm and how that is frankly more fun than giving dudes orgasms...because yeah giving is sexy and nice and all that, but getting ate out is still better. 
The Vulva Rating
I think overall this was a really good on the SSL front. There was random mentions of lady-bation to raunch up a joke. There was some subtle social commentary about how dudes not going down enough on their women is a desperately terrible and sad reality. Plus, there was also a situation in which a famous woman specifically reminded everyone that instead of blowing a guy....a better option might be to just sit on his face. This isn't a perfect SSL Review because it wasn't SUPER progressive, but it was fab. I give it 4 1/2 vulvas.

(!)(!)(!)(!)(!

4.17.2018

Those Ladies Putting On Bravado About Their Orgasms - A Free Flow Writing



I'm currently in between right now. I'm moved out of my fave Midwest city and won't be moved into the next Midwest city until Friday. I'm living out of an empty apartment save for 3 cats and an air mattress. So, I'm eating breakfast at Panera (my personal opinion is that the bacon egg and cheese on brioche is much nicer with an over easy egg as opposed to a scramble btw) and writing a quick blog before I go do a bunch of things one has to do in these situations.

I was gonna write a quick SSL Review of one of the many TV shows I have noted to write SSL Reviews about. Amy Schumer, Broad City, Chewing Gum, Mind Hunter, Orange is the New Black, The Americans, Girls, Workoholics, SNL, even Bob's Burgers all have SSL moments in one episode or another that I'm behind in writing about. An SSL Review sounded boring to me right now though.

So, then I vaguely looked at Twitter for a hot second, thinking that the perfect, quick n' easy topic would pop up, but it didn't and I got bored again. So then I decided to just free-flow write something.

And that is what I'm currently doing. I'm gonna experiment a bit with this post. I'm going to go over it quickly when I'm done to make sure it's readable, but I'm pretty much just gonna write what comes to my head about ladies and orgasm or any of this stuff. I'll see what happens. It'll be probably somewhere between kinda cool and really boring/convoluted. Let's hope for the best.

Orgasms are hard, my ladies. Clearly, I don't mean they are biologically problematic or fickle for females in a way they are not for males. My whole movie/blog/activism is based in pointing out that they are not, that females are biologically as capable of having orgasm as quickly, reliably, and easily as men. What I'm talking about is all the other shit in life that makes it harder for ladies to orgasm.

I guess I just want to say that if you are reading my posts, and you think I have my orgasm all figured out easy-like, then rest assured, I don't. I still have trouble prioritizing my sexual desire and needs over another person. I still have ideas in my head about what's sexy and what's not and the "sexy" stuff is often stuff that is not giving me the physical stimulation I need for orgasm and sometimes even arousal at all...and I still worry that if I don't focus on the sexy stuff that my partner will have a worse time, or that if I focus on the stuff that intrinsically feels right to my lady parts and my desires that my partner will find it less sexy. I feel like this even when there isn't evidence from my partner to make me think this way right now, and even though I logically know that's a bunch of BS. The images and ideas that shape us as we grow stick deep in us. We have a lot of shit baggage, my ladies.

I also want to say that the place I am with my own orgasm came through a lot of experimentation, self-honesty, and communication work. It was all hard. Experimentations fail often, self honesty is a journey, and clear, genuine communication is hard and needs tended regularly. Orgasm, arousal, and desire is a touchy subject - for both you and your partner(s). I feel like I was pretty lucky in all this too, and it was still hard. I have had a good orgasmic relationship to masturbation since I was a little girl, I have a partner that is kind and willing to let me be honest and experiment, and I have been able to spend a lot of time and energy thinking and investigating female orgasm.

and don't let her tell you she does


So, if you feel frustrated about your orgasm, know that every other woman you know feels that way to some degree as well. Know that we are all struggling with it in some way, even the ones that tell you they orgasm easily and have always just been lucky to have great partners. No - especially those women who put out a bravado about their orgasm abilities. I would put a lot of money down on these women being some of the least self-honest about their orgasms. I'm not saying that in a negative way, for real. I'm not shitting on women who are overly positive about their orgasms. I mean their presence in a group of women can often shut down really vulnerable, honest discussion about orgasm, but it's not intentional, and it's not any worse than all the other things in the world that shut down that type of talk. It's just not necessarily helpful, and I can't blame anyone for that.

What I am saying, though, is that maybe instead of seeing these women as the ideal of lady-sexuality, or as the thing you feel like you, like all women, should be but are not, instead of that, it's probably more realistic to view them as women dealing with the shit situation for lady-gasms in a completely different way than you. Maybe they are just really positive people who instinctively make the best out of situations and also see themselves as very sexual. So, maybe instead of worrying about why they don't experience orgasm from getting banged, they just tell themselves that since sexual women are supposed to come while getting banged, then they must be coming. They do feel something intense, and we can all convince ourselves of a lot of things - especially when the world around us is already trying its hardest to beat that into our heads anyway.

So, I believe that we women sometimes convince ourselves that our relationship to orgasm is more positive than it is, and some of us at certain times do that strongly. Be kind and understanding of those who do that, but don't fall for it. We are all struggling, and the more we recognize that, the better it gets in the long run.

4.12.2018

Cake (2005) - The SSL Review



CAKE
Just to be clear, this is not the 2014 drama Cake with Jennifer Aniston that got some good critical review. This is the 2005 romantic comedy Cake with Heather Graham and Taye Diggs. It's about as standard a romantic comedy as you can get, but it has Taye Diggs in it, and he's hot as fuck. So, if you like a romantic comedy, this is a solid Netflix choice. Also...this movie poster. I mean, really check it out.



I'm not here to give you recommendations, though. I'm here because there was one tiny mention of lady-gasm, which means it's SSL Reviewable.

Here's a quick summary of an SSL Review for newbies. An SSL Review is a critique of depictions or discussions of female masturbation, female orgasm, or the clit. I only review those scenes - not the movie as a whole (unless I feel like talking about more), and I focus mostly on the realism of the depiction/discussion and also how it fits into a larger cultural discussion of female orgasm and sexuality.

Check all the SSL Review movies HERE and TV SSL Reviews HERE.

The Scene
Pippa (Heather Graham) is interviewing Hemingway (Taye Diggs) for a photographer job at a magazine she has ended up running called Wedding Bells. She asks why he would want the job anyway, and he tells her he needs the job, and then asks her why she's there. She says it's temporary. So, then he's all like, 'You're not a wedding gal?' And she's all like, 'I'm not a wedding anything.' Then they quip back with love themed song lyrics, and then he says, "You're right. It's total cheese." To which she comes back with, "I mean forget the ring. I'll take a multiple orgasm any day." And an amused Hemingway, says "Amen."


The SSL Review
I mean, this is gonna be fairly quick as SSL Reviews go. It's merely a mention of lady-gasm with no real lead in or follow-up to it, but I think there's something worthwhile I'd like to say about it:

Pippa says multiple orgasm not just orgasm. I mean, I guess it's to make it sound like a particularly desirable thing over an engagement ring. However, you know me, I think we as a culture play up the whole multiple orgasm thing for women a little too much. Like, it's just a bit longer of an orgasm...or a couple orgasms in a shorter period of time than a guy can generally have a couple orgasms (but, dudes can have multiple orgasm as well, they just usually don't probably because they tend to ejaculate during their orgasms - HERE's a study with a guy that has one). Anyway, it's not necessarily some mind-blowing difference between orgasm and multiple orgasm, and my point is, mentions of multiple orgasm as some awesome thing women get always makes me bristle a bit.

Not that I'm against a multiple orgasm, 'cause I certainly am not. It's just that there's this cultural idea of multiple orgasms as the amazing thing women can have that makes them scream and moan and orgasm continuously through an entire sex like we so often see in porn or read about in romance novels but the truth is those are not multiple orgasms. Those are just fake orgasms. So, I guess I just feel like whenever a women alludes to the awesomeness of multiple orgasms, that it will bring to mind the cultural lies of perma-gasming while a dude rams his dick up the vagina, and I don't like perpetuating that because it's a bunch of BS

Anyway, that's really in the weeds (that's some of my corporate-slang coming out), but that's what I do. I nitpick our cultural treatment of lady-gasms.

Vulva Rating
I'm not sure how to rate this, because, even though I had things to say about it, it's a pretty neutral line. I'll just go down the middle - 3 out of 5 vulvas.
(!)(!)(!)

4.08.2018

The Holy Mountain SSL Review - A Retro Post



Hey all - I'm in the process of moving to a new city for my job. I'm behind on a lot of shit, and that's why I'm posting late and also posting an oldie (from July 26, 2016). It's fun, I think...and there's wierd pictures to entertain you. Also, don't worry. I'll be staying in the Midwest still - the center of sexual research...and I'm not kidding about the Midwest. Enjoy The Holy Mountain SSL Review.

A couple weeks ago a local art collective called Big Car had a showing of a classic art film, The Holy Mountain. It was created in 1973 by Alejandro Jodorowsky and funded by John Lennon and Yoko Ono.



I'd never seen it before, and I'm always up for seeing an artsy classic movie, so me and Charlie went to check it out. Turns out it included one of the weirdest depiction/discussions of female orgasm I've yet seen in a movie. That, as you know, means I simply must SSL Review it...that special type of review where I specifically critique only discussion/depictions of lady-gasm and/or lady-bation. I look for realism and also what the depiction/discussion reflects from and adds to our cultural understanding of female orgasm and female sexuality. (See all the SSL Movie Reviews HERE, and TV SSL Reviews HERE)

What is this movie exactly?
Like I said, this was an odd scene, but what can one expect. This movie is a full on 70's artsy-ass film...kinda like a shorter, slightly more comprehensible Cremaster Cycle (Those of you who have given 9 hours of your precious life to watch that Cremaster Cycle know what I mean, right??)  So, I'm not gonna explain The Holy Mountain to you, and probably couldn't anyway, but I will but a series of pictures from the movie up, so you can get a feel for it.











So, as you can see there is a lot of stuff, and symbolism, and nudity, and also tiger head tits shooting milk out on a dude's head. I actually have to say that this movie was of a normal movie length and it was actually fairly entertaining - it never made me want to scratch my eyes out with boredom, and that's pretty damn good for this type of movie in my opinion. So, if you like watching artsy, wierd, or crazy-ass movies then definitely get a hold of this one. If you saw those pictures and clearly know it's not a movie for you, then don't get a hold of this. You know you.

The Love Machine
Now, let's get to the SSL Reviewable scene. Again, can't explain how we got to this point, but there is a love machine that one needs to coax into orgasm using an electronic rod. The narrator says as we are introduced to this love machine:
"With this electronic rod, he will rub its mechanical vagina. The skill of a spectator will determine the machine's ability to reach a climax."


One guy (the narrator/other guy in the scene's chauffeur) tries to get it to orgasm by pushing this rod into a kinda hole/slit in this big machine. It's so very much a big-electronic-dick-trying-to-make-a-womanmachine-come-by-ramming-in-its-holes kinda thing. He even positions this giant rod between his legs to really drive the phallic-ness of the rod home. He fails and the narrator goes on:
"My chauffer is a bad lover. He didn't know how to satisfy it, but this woman, I know her techniques very well. We'll produce the electronic orgasm."
The narrator guy gives a women (who for some reason strips naked) the rod, and she easily gets the machine to open and by moving the rod in and out of a hole, gets it to orgasm...and when it does, some brownish sludge comes out the end of the rod...because...I don't know. Then the narrator and woman raise their hands in victory. (Oh do please check the whole scene out below)





Anyway, this is machine orgasm here, not technically woman orgasm, but this certainly is supposed to parallel human sex...it's like super symbolic for dehumanized machine based sex or something like that.

And guess what that sex looked like? A penis going in and out of a vagina.
Guess what made the lady-machine come? A penis moving in and out of her vagina.
Guess what part of the human female anatomy wasn't paralleled in this lady machine? The clitoris.
Guess what part actually needs to be stimulated for a woman to come? Well, it's not the vagina. It's the clitoris.

What does it all mean???
So as is too often the case, the clit is completely shut out of a scene specifically about female orgasm even though it is as crucial to orgasm in females as the penis is in males. Once again, sex is equated with a penis moving in and out of the vagina, and it is depicted as being as orgasmic for women as it is for men. It's a super duper bullshit assumption that is not based in science or reality, but for some reason, we just cannot seem to get past believing it.

So, it just goes to show that in 1973 just as today, people simply and wrongly assume that a penis stimulating the vagina makes women come. Oh - and also just as today we can completely cut the clitoris out of a depiction/discussion of female orgasm and no one seems to bat an eye.

And that my friends is why we still have far to go for Orgasm Equality. Feel free to pass around some #Cliteracy or some Science Sex and the Ladies

What's the vulva rating???
I give this movie a 0 vulva rating. No clit, no vulva.

3.31.2018

Inside Amy Schumer S3 Ep10 - The SSL Review



Inside Amy Schumer Season1 Episode 8
This show makes me laugh, and here's the best part - Amy Schumer tends to bring it when it comes to realism and female sexuality. She brought it in her movie Trainwreck, in The Joe Rogan Podcast, and largely in the other episodes of this show I've SSL Reviewed so far. She has shown a strong willingness to give the clit the glory it deserves, speak some truths about lady sex experiences, rep for actual lady-gasms - all things largely absent in media and also incredibly important to Orgasm Equality. (She could use some schooling and humbling when it comes to speaking about race though - but that's pretty true of a lot of us).



The SSL Reviewable
There is plenty to SSL Review in this show. And for those that don't yet know, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussions or depictions of female orgasm, female masturbation, or the clit. I focus on that and really only that (unless I want to talk about something else). I'm looking mainly at realism and about how the depiction/discussion plays in the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and women's sexuality.

Please, my friends, do enjoy more SSL Reviews for MOVIES and TV SHOWS.

Cave of Wonders
The scene in question here (It's embedded below if you'd like to watch it) is one in which Amy is in bed with a dude - seems like a hook up of some sort.
Dude: My God you're so hot. Let me go down on you please.
Amy: Yeah, but I should give you a heads up. It takes me a while.
Dude: I don't mind. 
Amy: Have at it.
He goes under the covers, and we see him crawling under them towards her junk (This is clearly an exaggerated depiction of going under the covers and making your way towards lady parts). He gets to it, and he's looking at it in amazement. A glow is coming from it.
Dude: (amazed) what the...
Above the covers she's just chill in the bed. We don't see him because he's under the covers. She starts reads a long Russian novel.

Back under the covers, it's like he's walked into her vagina. It's a soft, childish pink cave-like set. He finds a lantern, takes it, goes up to a skeleton holding a map. As he takes the map, the skeleton's head falls off, and he screams.
In the meantime, Amy is eating chinese take-out and complaining to the restaurant about the order on the phone.
We cut back to a shot of the dude with, like, the cosmos flying past his head. He's looking ahead and says,
Dude: My god. It's full of stars.
It cuts to Amy's face. She's breathing out a simple orgasm, then says
Amy: Wooo
 As he's popping up from under the covers, she says
Amy: Oh my god, that was so good. You wanna have sex.
He's aged at least 40 years.
Dude: Hey listen huh, this was great, but I gotta be up early in the morning, so I'll just let myself out.
She's slightly surprised, but says okay and it ends.

The Labor Of Lady-Oral
This skit reinforces incorrect stereotypes
This is a tough one for me to give a clear SSL Review on because it's a bit mixed. On one hand it reinforces all the the somewhat problematic ideas our culture has about about ladygasms and cunnilingus....that it takes a really long time (he ages 40 years), that it is incredibly difficult (people died and turned to bones trying to figure it out in the past), that it's incredibly complicated (he needs a map), and it's a mystical event (I mean, he said it's full of stars...which now that I think of it must be what they're referring to in romance novel lady-gasms where women are shattering into a thousand pieces and becoming one with the universe when they come...right?). It's really none of those things, and the ignorance about the quite normal and not-really-any-different-from-male qualities of female orgasm and female stimulation to orgasm is a huge reason why there is such an orgasm gap.

It also makes fun of them...
On the other hand this skit really exaggerates these things in a way that pokes fun at them. The fascination with the exhausting journey / mysticism of cunnilingus and the female orgasm in this skit is all in the mind of the dude, not Amy. She's just, like, chillin' and shit. It ain't no thing to her. She's just living the dream of eating take-out whilst getting ate out, and when she comes, it's just, ya know, an orgasm. It's not some mind-blowing spectacle like we see in porn, read about in romance novels, or hear about from spiritual /goddess gurus and so many hip sexual advisers. It's just an orgasm. Like, an orgasm is cool and all, but it's no more complicated or awe-inspiring than a male orgasm. Some muscle tension gets released in a rhythmic fashion, and it usually feels pretty good. That's it.

I, in a way, read Amy's casualness with her orgasm in this skit as a realistic counter to the dude's ridiculous fascination; as if to point out how unnecessarily built up the myth and confusion is around lady-gasms and pussy-eating; to make fun of the obscene complications our culture artificially presses on women's ability to orgasm (seriously, it's not physically/biologically more complicated for women than it is for men...except that there's so much ignorance around how it works that it is actually hard for women to get and sustain the physical stimulation they need to actually orgasm).

My point is, I imagine that part of the intention with this skit was to make fun of how unnecessarily scared and ignorant men are of stimulating women to orgasm and how over-dramatic and frankly wrong we all are about the power and spirituality and complicated nature of female orgasm.

...but most people probably only take in the incorrect stereotypes
However, I also think that overall to most people it just emphasizes the already strongheld, but incorrect and harmful assumptions that the female orgasm is complicated, takes forever, and that performing oral sex to orgasmic completion on a woman is like doing brain surgery....a brain surgery that ends in a mystical, elusive, event known as an female orgasm. I just think it puts these ideas deeper into the cultural consciousness.

Which is bullshit because really oral sex for men and women is just like, ya know, getting the genitals aroused and then stimulating the clit area / penis with the consistency and the personally preferred firmness and movement until the muscles release into an orgasm. It's like no big deal, and it is never, ever full of stars.

The Vulva Rating
I am going to give this skit a complete middle of the road 3 vulvas because I think its heart is in the right place, and I like the casual realness Amy displays regarding her orgasm, but I don't think it puts out an overall message that contributes clearly to orgasm equality since it relies so heavily on stereotypes about lady-gasms and lady-licking. I like the skit generally though :)

(!)(!)(!)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjuIP4BPV6E

3.28.2018

Magic Mike XXL - A Retro Post



I originally posted this on July 1, 2015, and thought I'd repost. I recently realized that I missed a male review that came through Indy recently, and looked for more, but saw they are hard to come by (I'm using come a lot intentionally). Anyway, I thought it should be as easy to find dude strippers as it is to find lady-strippers, but it's unfortunately not, and it got me thinking about this lovely, pure romp of a movie. I'm reposting so you can remember to see this if  you haven't yet.


Oh - you didn't wanna watch a movie that's basically a kick-ass male strip show with a side of road trip buddy comedy? And what was that? You don't like a movie with zero bullshit love drama, lots of good-natured fun, sweeeeet dance moves, a variety of female bodies (without constant comment on those bodies), and an abundance of rock hard male bodies? You don't like smiles, laughing, happiness, sweetness, or sparkles, either!?? Well fuck you. You're obviously an idiot. You're probably (somehow) a professional critic that wrote a review for Magic Mike XXL on Rotten Tomato, and I don't care what you have to say. That movie was on point - so on point.



It's no secret that I was in the More Stripping, Less Plot (less ridiculously stupid, badly acted, cliched plot) camp about the original Magic Mike. I was also somewhat annoyed at the way critics were rubbing themselves off about it because it was a Soderbergh film, and being all shitty about women who critiqued it. I wrote an Honorary SSL Review (honorary because it didn't actually have any depictions/discussions on female orgasm or masturbation) about it at the time.

This is another Honorary SSL Review. There was no talk of or showing of any lady-bation or any lady-gasms, but there was the word 'clitoris,' and that's kinda close. Well, actually it wasn't exactly 'clitoris.' It was Clitoria Labia, and it was the name Magic Mike picks for his inner drag queen. I'm not gonna explain - just believe me that it makes sense in the movie. Point is, how often do we ever hear the word clitoris in a movie? Not much I'll tell ya - certainly not even close to as much as we hear the words pussy, vagina, and other related type word...so I'm giving the movie big props for that. I mean if an inner drag queen is proud of her femininity, what better parts to honor that the ones that actually give orgasmic pleasure, am I right?

Okay, so really, that's about all I want to say. This movie is all the things that the first movie should have been. I enjoyed the shit out of it, and I feel like the people who made it actually listened to the complaints and desires from the loads of women who were disappointed with the first one.

To end, here's the answers to all your questions.


Dude's being assholes? Nah, just flirty, fun-loving, and sexy



Ladies being annoying as shit (to the men in the movie or the audience)? Nah, just ladies having too much damn fun when hot male strippers are hanging out with them.



Acting? Whatever - fine enough. Honestly it wouldn't surprise me if half of this was completely improvised.

Sparkles? Plenty. Towards the end we get like a glitter money shot. I hope anyone who reads my blog knows that sparkle and glitter is important to me. They just are.

Plot?  - Perfectly simple. Friends quickly reunite and decide to roadtrip it in some kind of frozen yogurt van to perform at their final stripping convention. They have fun and minor troubles along the way. They blow it the hell up at an epic show. The movie ends.



Jada Pinkett Smith? - Killed it.



Andie MacDowell's Scene? - Best rich southern ladies girl's night EVER.



Drama and asinine relationship bullshit? Fuck no.

Scenes where dudes be dancin' sexy? So many - from the convenience store to the woodworking shop to the drag show



Hardcore flippin', bangin', grindin', and muff-area divin' to the ladies who be stripped upon by beautiful men (in a way that is fun for all involved)? You bet your sweet ass.



For the love of god. Go see this.

****Edit: I cannot believe I forgot to give a specific shout-out to Twitch (seen above on the left). He was rollin' those hips and doin' them moves like the bonafide dance star he is. Fantastic casting, and I have extra love because he comes from maybe my all-time favorite show So You think You Can Dance. Seriously, if you do in fact think you can dance, then watch this show and realize that you actually suck and start trying to be more like the dancers who rise to the top in this show. I'm being for real - unlike all the singing shows like American Idol or dancing crap like Dancing with the Stars, SYTYCD has seriously top-notch dancing and choreography talent. Watch it...and Magic Mike XXL - you won't be disappointed with either.

3.21.2018

5 Movies With Ties To Asia #DirectedByWomen



I started doing this categorized List of 5 movies thing where I showcase movies that were directed by women and that I have actually seen. It all started during the Directed By Women Worldwide Viewing Party in September 2015, and it was pretty fun, so I've continued doing it from time to time.

It's a bit off-topic from my normal fare, ya know, being that it's not specifically about lady-gasms or anything like that, but I think it fits the blog because
1. this blog is also about indie movie-making, and
2. this blog is partially about getting the female perspective of sexuality into our media. So, to me, supporting female voices in our media  means we're creating more room for female voices to speak on all types of things, which sometimes will be sex, orgasms, and sexuality.

You can find all my 5-movie lists HERE.

The movies in this list all have a connection to Asia. There's a small variety of countries...Vietnam, Turkey, and the rest India. The connection is often characters but sometimes also the country itself. I realized I easily had 5 with this connection, so here we are. Do enjoy. 

Bride and Prejudice - This was directed by Gurinder Chadha. She's the lovely director of such lovely things as Bend It Like Beckham. I had heard good things about this movie and rented this from Blockbuster when I had my two pre-teen nieces (well they're actually cousins, but they're more like nieces) over to spend the night. i was thinking that I wanted to watch something fun but also something a little different than their usual fare. I often do this with my nieces and nephews, and it only sometimes turns out to be something they really like. I think they got bored with it a bit, but it's just because they were dumb teens with no attention span. I liked it.

2 Learning to Drive - This was directed by Isabel Coixet. watched this fairly recently on Netflix. I was specifically looking for women directed movies. It had big names in it. I liked watching this fine, but to me it was pretty old hat with the characters and casting and storyline...

3 What's Cooking - This was directed by Gurinder Chadha again (Ijust realized that...I guess i'm a Gurinder fan). Don't hold me to this, but I beleive i saw this on HBO back in the early 2000's when we used to get it free at our apartment. I remember liking it and thinking it was a solid indie movie. I'd watch again if it came up.

4 After the Wedding - This was directed by Susanne Bier. I watched this on Netflix recently specifically because it was directed by a woman as well. any random found on Netflix is a coin toss, but I lucked out on this one. I liked it a lot and thought it had a certain sweetness to it. I recommend.

5 Mustang - This was directed by Deniz Gamez Erguven (the u in Erguven has those two dots, but I don't know how to type that on this computer). I saw this, again, because it was women directed and on Netflix or amazon or something, and by golly, I LOVED it. I've saved the best for last. This is a fab movie, and it even got a good SSL Review. Highly recommended.

3.17.2018

Random Hite Report #26



Hello, welcome again to one of my favorite segments on the SSL blog, Random Hite Report! It's simple really. I flip through the pages of the The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality  (or sometimes The Hite Report on Male Sexuality) by a one Ms. Shere Hite and copy the contents of the page where I land - no more no less. Anyone who reads my blog will know that this 1976 book is a fave of mine; not only because of its realistic and progressive insight about the female orgasm that is still shockingly relevant 40 years later,  but also because of its very touching insight into the lives of the women who took part in this huge, comprehensive survey. This is an under-appreciated and under-read book if you ask me - I suggest you buy it online (seriously, you can get them for like 1 cent) and read it.



 So, sit back, getcha a beverage, and enjoy a little...Random Hite Report.

The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality Dell. 1976.
Pg. 397  From the chapter "Lesbianism."

...and that is how the figures in this study should be viewed.

Many other women said they might be interested in having sex with another women.   One of the most striking points about the answers received to the questionnaires was how frequently, even though it was not specifically asked, women brought up th fact that they might be interested in having sex with another women, or at least were curious. This interest was usually mentioned in connection with the question, "What would you like to try that you never have?" Some of the answers follow:
   "I have been married for twelve years, but I am not happy with it. I've never had a physical relationship with a woman but I feel it would be more satisfying than with a male. I don't know how to relate to another woman physically, as I've never had the opportunity to do so. There is a woman whom I'm attracted to and feel is the same as me, but I'm afraid to approach her."
   "How I wish I could have a relationship with a man the way i have with my closest women friend. I want to be honest and giving, caring, loving, supporting, and supportive. I want to be cared about, thought special and worthwhile. That I am a person who has lived through things. I want to be able to say 'I love you' and 'I want you' without the other person feeling threatened."
   "I've only had sex with one man - the man I'm with now. He felt like a close friend for a while. I found I wanted to talk to him and be with him in times of happiness and crisis. The relationship has progressed from friendship to 'being in love' back to deep friendly love. Right now my head is in a place where I would like to be in a relationship with a woman as well as keeping my relationship with this man. I am in the process of changing my entire life and feelings about my sexuality."
   "I have always admired beautiful women, but have..."

3.11.2018

Lady-gasms Are Barely A Thing In Sex, And We All Deal With It In Our Own Way



I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning, and I thought I'd just maybe get a little bit cazj for this one and just throw some thoughts out there on something I've been thinking about a bit more than usual for the past few weeks or so - the importance placed on orgasm in a sexual encounter, or more specifically a woman's right to say she doesn't care about her orgasm.

The general feel of our sexual culture is that orgasm is important for males but not for females, and obviously I think this is bullshit. Females are able to orgasm. We are biologically as capable as males, but the penis-focused, clit-ignoring norms of sex and all the lady-gasm squashing experiences and learnings that have plagued all us ladies' histories in so many varied ways makes it, quite frankly, hard to eek an orgasm out of many if not all partnered sexual experiences.

So, yes, the fact that we live in a world where the importance of male pleasure (particularly male orgasm) is so important that it encompasses and almost completely overshadows female orgasm without even much thought is sad and appalling and needs to be corrected.




But...and this is really what I wanted to talk about...I get why women often are uninterested to some degree in fighting the power, why we sometimes say something to the effect of, "Orgasm isn't that important to me in a sexual encounter." I get it. I've said it. I've also said stuff like, "I didn't orgasm, but it was really, really good." I've also faked it. I've faked it when I was completely uninterested and wanted to get it over with.

I've faked it when I was crazy hot and into it, but had no idea how I was actually going to come, but knew I had to fake to put the punctuation mark at the end of the experience.

I've 'kinda' faked where I make noises throughout that sound like I'm perma-gasming, as if in a porn but didn't really fake an orgasm even though it could easily be assumed I orgamsed.

I've faked because it was soooo close to getting me there, but I didn't think it was going to happen.

I've even faked many a time where - now that I look back at it - I didn't really probably realize I was faking - at least not in a really conscious way. I think that was the case for a long time. I think I just 'orgasmed' at the height of my pleasure or excitement or intensity and just kinda assumed that's what coming while being fucked felt like. It usually happened while he was also orgasming - not in quotes but actually, physically orgasming.

When I talked above about how the importance of male orgasm can almost completely overshadow female orgasm, that's part of what I meant. I think there is something set up deep in us ladies as we grow and learn about sex that, I don't know what other way to say it even though it sounds kind of insane, makes it feel like when our male partner orgasms it's almost like we orgasmed. It's not even a conscious decision that our orgasm is less important or that his orgasm is enough for both of us. It's more like our orgasm just...I don't know...isn't...or...maybe it is anything and everything.

Maybe it's because the things we learn about our orgasm, about where it should happen and why, just don't make sense when those things are actually happening, so instead of us thinking, 'FUCK! everything I saw and heard about sex and my orgasm was pretty much BS!' (which is what we really should be thinking) we just put this new knowledge together in a different way. We either think we're broken/maladjusted/not doing it right or we adjust our expectations of what an orgasm is. Instead of 'an orgasm should be happening now and it's not,' we say, 'an orgasm should be happening now, so this must be an orgasm.' I don't know - something like that. I think most females having sex have justified the reality of their experience to their expectations of that experience in some combination of those 2 ways. Then again, maybe I'm the only woman out there like this, but I doubt it. No, I don't doubt it - there's no reason for me to be less bold than I feel here. I know I'm not. I've met other women with the same experiences, and my assumption is that these experiences are somewhat universal.

So, when we tell our partners or ourselves that our orgasm isn't really all that important to us, we're not lying. The idea that our orgasm is inconsequential, that it almost isn't even a thing, is so deeply ingrained in us that it's kinda true.

It's also, let's be honest her, hard to figure out, even if we wanted to, how to orgasm to given all this BS, and it takes work and change, and it can make sex frustrating and not fun for a while...maybe a long while. So, yeah, maybe getting the sexual touches and intimacy and romance of sex is more important to you over rocking the boat and losing all that to the work and frustration of chasing an orgasm that doesn't fit into the normal sexual scripts we're all used to. Maybe we don't want to find that our partner doesn't give a shit, because then we have to start facing whether that partner is actually worth shit. Or maybe we have old partners who we've created patterns with before we realized that in the long run when we don't orgasm and our partner does, more and more of our sex acts get tedious and boring and unfullfilling, and we realize how hard it is for both of you to break those patterns...and that sucks. Maybe you have a new or one-time partner that is like every other person in the world and doesn't know shit about lady-gasm, and the work to get the stimulation and attention you need in order to orgasm is just a bunch of work that may or may not pay off....so you just settle for the sexy, lusty other enjoyable parts of sex.

I know for me that after I really truly realized that I wasn't having orgasms during intercourse and that I was starting to lose my desire and to feel bothered by sex, and I decided that I should be orgasming, it was not just a switch that got turned. It was and still is a long road of trying and adjusting. I have more than once thought it would be nice to just go back to the early days where I was young, excited, aroused and just having fun with the sex that was happening, where I was blissfully ignorant that these fun sex acts -minus the orgasms- were also slowly but surely chipping away at my desire while at the same time reinforcing my orgasming partner's desire.

That said, I've overall enjoyed the stupid and crazy journey of trying to make my orgasm a priority, but I also don't blame any female who isn't doing that. If you are in the 'orgasm isn't that important to me right now' camp, I get it. Dealing with our orgasm and the bullshit way it exists in our sexual culture is a special, shitty, burden all us females must deal with in our own way in our own time.

So all that to say I love, without judgement, all you ladies out there dealing with your orgasms in whatever way you are - and to me that includes all *ladies. Don't get me wrong, I am chock full of judgement about how ignorant we are about lady-gasms, but it's toward our culture and history and specific pieces of media, advice, and science. It's never, ever towards the people dealing with the repercussions of the shitty sexual culture...not even the gentlemen.

*When I say ladies I mean whoever this might apply to - those with clits and vaginas, those who identify as women but with other hormones, body parts or chromosomes, and everyone in between that this makes sense to in some small way. I use a variety of words, and I'm working on how to be more consistent and correct, but it's not easy, and my arguments are almost always concerned with the physical body parts in particular. But just know that my intention is to always include anyone that this feels relevant to...for what that's worth.

3.07.2018

Alison Stevenson Giving Up BJ's for Orgasm Equality - A Retro SSL Post



This is a re-post of a July 30, 2016 post. Please enjoy.

Writer Alison Stevenson is a bad bitch who should walk around with her hands pumping victoriously in the air most of the time. She did some truth-telling in a July 2016 article about how little she (and many women) orgasm during sexual encounters - particularly compared to men, and she said no more, my friends. No. More.
"If men expect to get an orgasm out of a hookup—without having to give anything in return—then I would adopt that approach, too."



Suck It, BJ's!
In an absolutely fabulous article from March 2015, she announced that she had stopped giving blowjobs, and in this new and equally fabulous 2016 article, she gives us a follow-up about why she's still not sucking dick. She, very rightly, decided that she had given too many goddamn blowjobs to boys that did not return the favor, and she's over it. She also rightly pointed out how the wrong-but-all-too-common assumption that women should just orgasm when a penis moves inside their vaginas (vaginae for you scholarly types) is the root of this problem. The reality is most women don't orgasm that way. The majority of women straight up do not orgasm from vaginal penetration (and I would argue it's even less than we are currently willing to admit).
"Penetration is great, but no matter how long, curved, or fat your dick is, it's not going to happen for me. That's true for plenty of other women, too—it's clit or bust. In other words, if a guy and I have sex, but I don't suck his dick, he can still come. If we have sex and he doesn't eat me out, I can't."
Tell Me Again How Orgasmic Sex Is...
I respect the hell out of what this women has done (and Tracey Moore at Jezebel does too) because the truth is women are set up to fail in sexual encounters in a way that men are not. None of us, boys or girls, were taught that the clit must be stimulated to orgasm. To drive that home, we were also taught that the most important and supposedly awesome part of a sexual encounter is intercourse - something which naturally involves the vagina and penis but not the clit. Fully involving the clit to the point of orgasm during a 'basic sex act' is not the norm. To involve the clit usually means that there are 'extras' given; extra effort, extra communication, extra sexual acts, extra willingness to do things a little differently. So the male orgasm is par for the course. The female orgasm is extra. It's some bullshit. Whether people realize it or not, the status quo sex act is male-gasm friendly but not female-gasm friendly.

Now, as Ms. Stevenson says in her original 2015 article, her lack of cunnilingus (and thus orgasm) in the past is part her fault too because she didn't used to ask,
"Look, I know that my years of being denied oral sex is my fault too. I was a different person then. I never asked for what I wanted, because I worried it would make me seem less attractive. It's something a lot of women feel, that it's more important to fulfill a man's desires over our own. You know, in order to "keep him." Even the most headstrong, self-reliant, progressive women fall victim to this line of thinking. I have finally been able to fully shed myself of my meekness when it comes to sex and I know now that I can not only demand what I want but also deny what I don't want: blowjobs."
I love that she takes some responsibility in this. She's clearly a sensible, thoughtful person, and I think it's true that a woman must become more proactive about asking in order to get her orgasm.

Men Just Get Orgasms, Women Need To Ask...For Extra
That said, can I also say WTF? Yes, she never asked, but can we take a minute and wonder why she has to ask in the first place? Why women must put so much work into getting their orgasm when men simply do not? Why men don't just automatically work the clit like women just automatically work the penis? Why we as a society fully understand and accept that men need their penises stimulated to orgasm, but are so clueless about what makes a woman orgasm that the default thing to do in sex with a woman is ram stuff up her vagina (seriously, contrary to popular belief, getting a woman off is actually not that difficult but trying to do it by stimulating the vagina instead of the clit sure makes it seem difficult, doesn't it?).

The frustration that led Ms. Stevenson to her no BJ decision is much bigger than boys aren't trying hard enough. Yes, that might often be the case, but the truth is we're dumb about lady-gasms. We shouldn't be because they're actually not that complicated at all, but yet we are, and since we're dumb about them and they seem so wierd and mystical and fickle, the female orgasm just gets ignored.
So...

  • Men and often women don't know how to make them happen
  • The way sex is depicted and joked about and taught either doesn't include or misrepresents the physical needs for lady-gasm
  • The normal ways we go about sex don't leave room for it 
  • We don't prioritize them
  • Women often don't feel we deserve them (I mean they're so hard to get and your partner has to put extras in to get you there!)

All that adds up to males orgasming and ladies having to 'ask'.

Rock The Hell On Alison Stevenson!
This woman looked at her sex life and made a decision to put priority on her own orgasm over her male partners'. It's such a revolutionary thing to do because it throws a wrench in the age old sexual status quo and makes a bold statement that flies in the face of people (and I really think this is most people) who don't want to acknowledge how skewed towards male pleasure our sexual culture is. What she did is not easy. It takes self knowledge and courage, and it's inspiring.

So, for all that I am adding Alison Stevenson to the Orgasm Equality Heroes List. Her article and her sentiments fit into something I see as an exciting movement where women are acknowledging that status quo, run of the mill, normal sex is actually pretty bad sex for the ladies. What I mean is that the normal flow of sex, the normal expectations of sex, and the normal skills used in sex are just A LOT better for the male orgasm than for the female. Let me say it another way. When it comes to men, sex is like pizza - even bad sex is kinda okay because they come. For women, though, most sex is unorgasmic, some of it is downright gross, rapey, mean, utterly boring, or painful, and then only really extraordinary sex is even good or orgasmic at all.

This is important because as a culture there is still this entrenched feeling that the simple act of intercourse is a mutually orgasmic experience for both the male and female. It is hard to convince people that we should be going about sex differently because what could be wrong with the way it is? So, we need women speaking out and telling us about their actual experiences. How we go about sex and the expectations we have about sex and orgasm could be so much better. We need to hear more and more women getting real about this and pointing out the unequal playing field.

Bravo, Alison Stevenson! Every time one woman speaks out it makes it that much easier for another, and if we get enough we might have a full-on Orgasm Equality Revolution on our hands!

(and you really should read both her BJ articles - 2015 and 2016. She's also quite funny. Check out her Tumblr)