Lady-gasms Are Barely A Thing In Sex, And We All Deal With It In Our Own Way

I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning, and I thought I'd just maybe get a little bit cazj for this one and just throw some thoughts out there on something I've been thinking about a bit more than usual for the past few weeks or so - the importance placed on orgasm in a sexual encounter, or more specifically a woman's right to say she doesn't care about her orgasm.

The general feel of our sexual culture is that orgasm is important for males but not for females, and obviously I think this is bullshit. Females are able to orgasm. We are biologically as capable as males, but the penis-focused, clit-ignoring norms of sex and all the lady-gasm squashing experiences and learnings that have plagued all us ladies' histories in so many varied ways makes it, quite frankly, hard to eek an orgasm out of many if not all partnered sexual experiences.

So, yes, the fact that we live in a world where the importance of male pleasure (particularly male orgasm) is so important that it encompasses and almost completely overshadows female orgasm without even much thought is sad and appalling and needs to be corrected.

But...and this is really what I wanted to talk about...I get why women often are uninterested to some degree in fighting the power, why we sometimes say something to the effect of, "Orgasm isn't that important to me in a sexual encounter." I get it. I've said it. I've also said stuff like, "I didn't orgasm, but it was really, really good." I've also faked it. I've faked it when I was completely uninterested and wanted to get it over with.

I've faked it when I was crazy hot and into it, but had no idea how I was actually going to come, but knew I had to fake to put the punctuation mark at the end of the experience.

I've 'kinda' faked where I make noises throughout that sound like I'm perma-gasming, as if in a porn but didn't really fake an orgasm even though it could easily be assumed I orgamsed.

I've faked because it was soooo close to getting me there, but I didn't think it was going to happen.

I've even faked many a time where - now that I look back at it - I didn't really probably realize I was faking - at least not in a really conscious way. I think that was the case for a long time. I think I just 'orgasmed' at the height of my pleasure or excitement or intensity and just kinda assumed that's what coming while being fucked felt like. It usually happened while he was also orgasming - not in quotes but actually, physically orgasming.

When I talked above about how the importance of male orgasm can almost completely overshadow female orgasm, that's part of what I meant. I think there is something set up deep in us ladies as we grow and learn about sex that, I don't know what other way to say it even though it sounds kind of insane, makes it feel like when our male partner orgasms it's almost like we orgasmed. It's not even a conscious decision that our orgasm is less important or that his orgasm is enough for both of us. It's more like our orgasm just...I don't know...isn't...or...maybe it is anything and everything.

Maybe it's because the things we learn about our orgasm, about where it should happen and why, just don't make sense when those things are actually happening, so instead of us thinking, 'FUCK! everything I saw and heard about sex and my orgasm was pretty much BS!' (which is what we really should be thinking) we just put this new knowledge together in a different way. We either think we're broken/maladjusted/not doing it right or we adjust our expectations of what an orgasm is. Instead of 'an orgasm should be happening now and it's not,' we say, 'an orgasm should be happening now, so this must be an orgasm.' I don't know - something like that. I think most females having sex have justified the reality of their experience to their expectations of that experience in some combination of those 2 ways. Then again, maybe I'm the only woman out there like this, but I doubt it. No, I don't doubt it - there's no reason for me to be less bold than I feel here. I know I'm not. I've met other women with the same experiences, and my assumption is that these experiences are somewhat universal.

So, when we tell our partners or ourselves that our orgasm isn't really all that important to us, we're not lying. The idea that our orgasm is inconsequential, that it almost isn't even a thing, is so deeply ingrained in us that it's kinda true.

It's also, let's be honest her, hard to figure out, even if we wanted to, how to orgasm to given all this BS, and it takes work and change, and it can make sex frustrating and not fun for a while...maybe a long while. So, yeah, maybe getting the sexual touches and intimacy and romance of sex is more important to you over rocking the boat and losing all that to the work and frustration of chasing an orgasm that doesn't fit into the normal sexual scripts we're all used to. Maybe we don't want to find that our partner doesn't give a shit, because then we have to start facing whether that partner is actually worth shit. Or maybe we have old partners who we've created patterns with before we realized that in the long run when we don't orgasm and our partner does, more and more of our sex acts get tedious and boring and unfullfilling, and we realize how hard it is for both of you to break those patterns...and that sucks. Maybe you have a new or one-time partner that is like every other person in the world and doesn't know shit about lady-gasm, and the work to get the stimulation and attention you need in order to orgasm is just a bunch of work that may or may not pay off....so you just settle for the sexy, lusty other enjoyable parts of sex.

I know for me that after I really truly realized that I wasn't having orgasms during intercourse and that I was starting to lose my desire and to feel bothered by sex, and I decided that I should be orgasming, it was not just a switch that got turned. It was and still is a long road of trying and adjusting. I have more than once thought it would be nice to just go back to the early days where I was young, excited, aroused and just having fun with the sex that was happening, where I was blissfully ignorant that these fun sex acts -minus the orgasms- were also slowly but surely chipping away at my desire while at the same time reinforcing my orgasming partner's desire.

That said, I've overall enjoyed the stupid and crazy journey of trying to make my orgasm a priority, but I also don't blame any female who isn't doing that. If you are in the 'orgasm isn't that important to me right now' camp, I get it. Dealing with our orgasm and the bullshit way it exists in our sexual culture is a special, shitty, burden all us females must deal with in our own way in our own time.

So all that to say I love, without judgement, all you ladies out there dealing with your orgasms in whatever way you are - and to me that includes all *ladies. Don't get me wrong, I am chock full of judgement about how ignorant we are about lady-gasms, but it's toward our culture and history and specific pieces of media, advice, and science. It's never, ever towards the people dealing with the repercussions of the shitty sexual culture...not even the gentlemen.

*When I say ladies I mean whoever this might apply to - those with clits and vaginas, those who identify as women but with other hormones, body parts or chromosomes, and everyone in between that this makes sense to in some small way. I use a variety of words, and I'm working on how to be more consistent and correct, but it's not easy, and my arguments are almost always concerned with the physical body parts in particular. But just know that my intention is to always include anyone that this feels relevant to...for what that's worth.


Alison Stevenson Giving Up BJ's for Orgasm Equality - A Retro SSL Post

This is a re-post of a July 30, 2016 post. Please enjoy.

Writer Alison Stevenson is a bad bitch who should walk around with her hands pumping victoriously in the air most of the time. She did some truth-telling in a July 2016 article about how little she (and many women) orgasm during sexual encounters - particularly compared to men, and she said no more, my friends. No. More.
"If men expect to get an orgasm out of a hookup—without having to give anything in return—then I would adopt that approach, too."

Suck It, BJ's!
In an absolutely fabulous article from March 2015, she announced that she had stopped giving blowjobs, and in this new and equally fabulous 2016 article, she gives us a follow-up about why she's still not sucking dick. She, very rightly, decided that she had given too many goddamn blowjobs to boys that did not return the favor, and she's over it. She also rightly pointed out how the wrong-but-all-too-common assumption that women should just orgasm when a penis moves inside their vaginas (vaginae for you scholarly types) is the root of this problem. The reality is most women don't orgasm that way. The majority of women straight up do not orgasm from vaginal penetration (and I would argue it's even less than we are currently willing to admit).
"Penetration is great, but no matter how long, curved, or fat your dick is, it's not going to happen for me. That's true for plenty of other women, too—it's clit or bust. In other words, if a guy and I have sex, but I don't suck his dick, he can still come. If we have sex and he doesn't eat me out, I can't."
Tell Me Again How Orgasmic Sex Is...
I respect the hell out of what this women has done (and Tracey Moore at Jezebel does too) because the truth is women are set up to fail in sexual encounters in a way that men are not. None of us, boys or girls, were taught that the clit must be stimulated to orgasm. To drive that home, we were also taught that the most important and supposedly awesome part of a sexual encounter is intercourse - something which naturally involves the vagina and penis but not the clit. Fully involving the clit to the point of orgasm during a 'basic sex act' is not the norm. To involve the clit usually means that there are 'extras' given; extra effort, extra communication, extra sexual acts, extra willingness to do things a little differently. So the male orgasm is par for the course. The female orgasm is extra. It's some bullshit. Whether people realize it or not, the status quo sex act is male-gasm friendly but not female-gasm friendly.

Now, as Ms. Stevenson says in her original 2015 article, her lack of cunnilingus (and thus orgasm) in the past is part her fault too because she didn't used to ask,
"Look, I know that my years of being denied oral sex is my fault too. I was a different person then. I never asked for what I wanted, because I worried it would make me seem less attractive. It's something a lot of women feel, that it's more important to fulfill a man's desires over our own. You know, in order to "keep him." Even the most headstrong, self-reliant, progressive women fall victim to this line of thinking. I have finally been able to fully shed myself of my meekness when it comes to sex and I know now that I can not only demand what I want but also deny what I don't want: blowjobs."
I love that she takes some responsibility in this. She's clearly a sensible, thoughtful person, and I think it's true that a woman must become more proactive about asking in order to get her orgasm.

Men Just Get Orgasms, Women Need To Ask...For Extra
That said, can I also say WTF? Yes, she never asked, but can we take a minute and wonder why she has to ask in the first place? Why women must put so much work into getting their orgasm when men simply do not? Why men don't just automatically work the clit like women just automatically work the penis? Why we as a society fully understand and accept that men need their penises stimulated to orgasm, but are so clueless about what makes a woman orgasm that the default thing to do in sex with a woman is ram stuff up her vagina (seriously, contrary to popular belief, getting a woman off is actually not that difficult but trying to do it by stimulating the vagina instead of the clit sure makes it seem difficult, doesn't it?).

The frustration that led Ms. Stevenson to her no BJ decision is much bigger than boys aren't trying hard enough. Yes, that might often be the case, but the truth is we're dumb about lady-gasms. We shouldn't be because they're actually not that complicated at all, but yet we are, and since we're dumb about them and they seem so wierd and mystical and fickle, the female orgasm just gets ignored.

  • Men and often women don't know how to make them happen
  • The way sex is depicted and joked about and taught either doesn't include or misrepresents the physical needs for lady-gasm
  • The normal ways we go about sex don't leave room for it 
  • We don't prioritize them
  • Women often don't feel we deserve them (I mean they're so hard to get and your partner has to put extras in to get you there!)

All that adds up to males orgasming and ladies having to 'ask'.

Rock The Hell On Alison Stevenson!
This woman looked at her sex life and made a decision to put priority on her own orgasm over her male partners'. It's such a revolutionary thing to do because it throws a wrench in the age old sexual status quo and makes a bold statement that flies in the face of people (and I really think this is most people) who don't want to acknowledge how skewed towards male pleasure our sexual culture is. What she did is not easy. It takes self knowledge and courage, and it's inspiring.

So, for all that I am adding Alison Stevenson to the Orgasm Equality Heroes List. Her article and her sentiments fit into something I see as an exciting movement where women are acknowledging that status quo, run of the mill, normal sex is actually pretty bad sex for the ladies. What I mean is that the normal flow of sex, the normal expectations of sex, and the normal skills used in sex are just A LOT better for the male orgasm than for the female. Let me say it another way. When it comes to men, sex is like pizza - even bad sex is kinda okay because they come. For women, though, most sex is unorgasmic, some of it is downright gross, rapey, mean, utterly boring, or painful, and then only really extraordinary sex is even good or orgasmic at all.

This is important because as a culture there is still this entrenched feeling that the simple act of intercourse is a mutually orgasmic experience for both the male and female. It is hard to convince people that we should be going about sex differently because what could be wrong with the way it is? So, we need women speaking out and telling us about their actual experiences. How we go about sex and the expectations we have about sex and orgasm could be so much better. We need to hear more and more women getting real about this and pointing out the unequal playing field.

Bravo, Alison Stevenson! Every time one woman speaks out it makes it that much easier for another, and if we get enough we might have a full-on Orgasm Equality Revolution on our hands!

(and you really should read both her BJ articles - 2015 and 2016. She's also quite funny. Check out her Tumblr)


Empire S3 Ep3 - The SSL Review

Empire S3 Episode 3
I am currently up to date on Season 4 of Empire I'm happy to say, but I as yet neglected to do the SSL Review for the one SSL Reviewable moment in Season 3 (none is season 4 so far btw). It involves Ms. Anika Calhoun and the continuing power struggles between her and Mr. Luscious Lyon. It's a quick and easy SSL Review though, so this will be a fast read.

SSL Reviews
SSL Reviews are depiction or discussions of female orgasm and/or masturbation and/or the clit. Only those specific things are reviewed - other discussions or depictions of sex or sexuality not within the above confines are for the most part not of interest to me. In these reviews,  I critique the realism (for instance, were the physical things happening to that women while she orgasmed things that could realistically cause orgasm for a woman?) and also speak on what the depiction/discussion reflects from and adds to the larger cultural discussion around lady-gasms and female sexuality.

You can see all the SSL TV Reviews HERE (and as always you can find all the movie SSL Reviews HERE).

The Best Kind of UPS Delivery
To give a bit of a background - Anika and Luscious are previous lovers living in the same house but very much at odds at the moment. Previously, Luscious had been sitting at his desk talking to Anika when suddenly he started to kinda shudder and lose focus in a wierd way, and Anika in a moment of kindness got worried he was having a relapse of a disease he had been dealing with. But no - he was just coming from some random young woman under his desk sucking him off.

Well, now Luscious has come into his office and found Anika sitting at the desk.
Lucious: What are you doing in my office?
She gestures him to shhh, then points to a screen that is ticking up a number
(this relates to plot - promise)
Anika: Almost...A little higher. Yes. Yes! Yes, Lucious! (throwing her head back)Lucious: (a little confused.) You sound more excited than me
(again he's referring to the upticking number situation)
Anika: (happily pushing her chair back from the desk) I am Lucious... oh, I am!
Then she leans down and a UPS dude rises up from under the desk with her hands on his chin as she chuckles
Anika: Don't worry. He was...(lazily and non-convincingly) just looking for my earring
Lucious picks up a gun and the dude runs out as the guy runs out.
The SSL Review
This is an easy one. I always approve of a lady coming from getting ate out. It's stimulation to the outer parts of the vulva, presumably to the clitoral glans area, and by golly, that's exactly where a lady needs stimulation in order to come, just like dudes needing stimulation to their penises. So that's tops on the physical realism scale in my book.

I also like that when she's getting him back for his stunt she hits him back tit for tat. I think in some shows, the woman might hit back by having a dude fuck her under the desk (not sure how that would logistically work, but probably something having to do with movie magic) and coming that way, because for some dumbfuck reason people seem to think that a woman getting a penis inside her vagina is something that would make her come when there's no logical reason to believe that. Anyway, when a penis gets sucked, to me the only opposite female reaction is to get a clit sucked. Both things can cause orgasm and have that cazj, laid-back, power attitude, and Anika was write to get that UPS dude on his knees. Respect.

Vulva Rating
I think this is great orgasm equality content, so I'm gonna go 5 out of 5 vulvas.



Cosmo October 2018 - The SSL Review

For fun and good times, I picked up a Cosmo a while back that had a bunch of sex stuff on the cover. Actually it wasn't for fun and good times. It was so I could SSL Review it. So, that's what I'm doing so I can finally throw it out (I love to throw things out). It is the October 2017 issue, and it Touts "76 Sex Secrets!" including "Toys That Hit The Spot" "4 Hidden Moan Zones" and "Hot Solo Sex Tricks"

To start out, I'd like to say that I don't know what The Spot is. The only spot that needs hit really is the clit, and all vibrators got that going for them. You just press it on there. Hell even electric tooth brushes can handle that. I think they're just being coy, trying to conjure up in women's minds all the ambiguous, bullshit 'spots' they're supposed to be hitting during sex. It's cheap.

The hidden moans zones, everyone: Your brain, your vulva, your core, and your voice. Outside of the fact that they are calling them 'moan zones' I kinda respect what they did with the content here...except for the coregasm stuff, but we'll get into that.

Hot solo sex trick? Not that hot and not that tricky. It's really just an article about basic masturbation and that you should do it and it's good. I mean, I'm all for it, but let's not go too far with the promises.

Also, I have no idea where the 76 number comes from. I wonder if they counted every single little piece of advice in the 3 article sex-section spread and put that on the cover. I assumed there would be like a bit list or something, but there is not...so don't be looking for it.

The Overall
I mean, yes, they talk about masturbation as good. Yes, there's talk of the importance and sensitivity of the clit. But, there's also this focus on a coregasm where you orgasm from ab work, and there's an little blip about boosting your vaginas mood, and there's also talk about masturbating by ramming a dildo into you to stimulate the G-spot. So, in the end, this Cosmo is just like most other sex-positivey women's sex advice...it's a big ol' mix of confusing where a woman gets the same fucked up message she always gets - Orgasms come from everywhere!

They don't. Female orgasms come from the clitoral gland area in the same way that male orgasms come from the penis. There has never been a study in peer reviewed scientific literature that showed stimulation inside the vagina causing a physical orgasm. It's true. So, G-spots, inner clit-legs, cervix stimulation, even core workouts...that shit has NEVER been shown to cause orgasm, yet we talk about these things as much - no more - than we talk about the clit. I swear, if men had advice after advice their whole life in all kinds of media focusing on their balls, perineum, and asshole whenever orgasm was alluded to more than on the penis...dudes would be confused as hell too.

Point is, this article is a mixed review when it comes to its discussion on coming. That means it doesn't have a clear, fact based point of view on female orgasm, which means, frankly it's part of the problem. Talking about correct things like the clit's relation to orgasm and the importance of masturbation is great, but if in the same breath there is discussion about the g-spots relation to orgasm or other non-verified lady-gasm methods, all the good is erased because women still get the sense that they should be orgasming by getting their vag banged or from the many other fake news orgasm methods that we see in porn, movies, books, and TV every day. Women still aren't getting accurate information, and nothing changes.

So that said, here's a list of noted lady-gasm, masturbation, or clit related items in this issue.

 They mentioned the CLIT! - The 2nd of the 4 Moan Zones is the Vulva.
Your outer genitalia needs more love. It's a key erogenous area - home of the clitoris, with some 8,000 nerve endings! - but some women ignore it altogether.
I mean it's not a key erogenous zone. It's the key erogenous zone. Do people describe the penis as a key erogenous zone for men, like it's not the king of male erogenous zones? Anyway, they did mention it, and I agree it needs more love (ALL THE LOVE!). They say women might ignore it largely because a lot of women are uncomfortable with how it looks. Maybe. Or maybe it's because we live in a culture that ignores it and all the sex and orgasms we see in media also ignores it, but it could also be our personal insecurities about our bodies too. That's usually what's wrong with us women, right? We just aren't mentally healthy and in touch with ourselves enough. But, point taken. We should look at our junk like they say. I do think a good hand mirror look is good for all ladies.

Get outta here with yer fuckin' coregasms - The 3rd Moan Zone is the core. This blurb wasn't really about having strong pelvic-floor muscles (the ones that contract during an orgasm) like I thought it would be. I could have gotten behind that. Instead it was about that IU researchers found that some women have orgasms from core workouts (this is from a survey - no physical tests here...so...). They recommend you engage your lower ab muscles, maybe hanging leg raises or 50-100 crunches will do, and it may exert pressure on your clitoris or contract your pelvic-floor muscles. they also say that even if you don't have an orgasm kissing the lower belly is erotic too!

You know Amy Schumer was on the Joe Rogan podcast when they told her about this study, and she said something I loved. "Okay, why don't I just rub my clit? What?...Like why all the...why all the work?" Indeed. Why are we fussing over a possibility of an orgasm from ab workouts that some women say they have when we could just rub our fucking clits. We don't put dudes through this kind of shit about their orgasms. We just work their penis. Done...maybe add some ball ticklling or a finger up the ass if we want to get fancy, but mostly just work the penis.

Also, I feel like it's all just a little confused.
During sex - especially girl on top or doggie-style - squeeze your ab and pelvic-floor muscles to make your orgasm even stronger, suggests Morse. "This will also create a tighter grip on your partner's penis - an incredible sensation for him."
Why especially during doggie or woman on top? Do they know that during orgasm your pelvic-floor muscles contract and release involuntarily (about 1 every .8 seconds!)? Will voluntarily squeezing the muscles during that time make it better? Do I give a shit if my pussy grip is tight enough while I'm trying to have an orgasm? That's a lot to worry about, people. Can we just rub our clits and let those muscles do what they want to do, please?

They said "The Orgasm Gap" - It was just in a 'Tips From Good-Sex Pioneers' thing and it was about Alexandra Fine CEO of Dame Products. They said she started the company "on a mission to end the orgasm gap between the sexes," I respect it. I am for anything or anyone trying to shorten that gap, but that's all they had to say about her or really about the nature of her toys.

Masturbation!  - They had a whole spread on masturbation, which I love. They say you should do it, "And why not? Masturbating is a healthy (and, hi, orgasmic) part of your self care." I'm not gonna disagree Cosmo.

The give some tips (are these the hot solo sex trick?) like *do it while no one is around and *set up a sexy scene when you do it and *check out some porn or erotica - you know real pro tips. But they also suggest
Right before you embark on the main event, touch yourself all over to build tension. "Stroke your feet, brush your hair, or softly run a feather over your skin," says Van Kirk. Doing so may intensify your orgasm.
I'm not so sure how sexy brushing your hair is, but yeah, I'll accept that the more arousal building one can do before orgasm the more intense it could be. That's what orgasms do, they release all the tension and blood congestion brought on by arousal, so the more there is the more there is to release.
No, maybe these are the Hot Solo Sex Tricks - They list 3 "upgraded positions"
Self Reflection: Kneel in front of a full-length mirror. watching yourself, use your pointer and middle fingertips to make small circles around your clitoris. some women say the 1 O'clock spot (up and to your left) packs the best feels, while others prefer a windshield wiping motion.
Cool with this one. Love it in fact. It's all about the clit and it's detailed.
Super-Hot Soaker: The next time you lather up, put a handheld showerhead into service. directing the stream onto your clitoris. thinking about sexy things - your last hookup, any of the Hemsworths - will make your one woman show worthy of a standing O-vation. 
 I get it O-vation. Anyway, I'm way down with this too.
Invisible Man: Pop a Dildo on a chair or the floor, kneel above it, and lower yourself onto it while holding it with one hand. Keep your stance wide for insane G-spot stim, or position your knees close for a tighter feel. Even if you don't climax, it will feel damn good to be in total control.
Bitch, why the fuck am I masturbating if I'm not gonna climax. If I wanna sit on a dick, I can find any rando who will let me do that. Please. Also, why does keeping your stance wide help with G-spot stimulation? Also, I totally get that some women like G-spot stimulation. There is an area we call the G-spot in the vagina that butts up against the urethra and the female prostate, and it has been shown to get swollen and be stimulated to ejaculation. I said ejaculation, not orgasm. Two different things that are often mixed up. G-spot stimulation has never been shown to cause orgasm. Some women have been able to ejaculate to it, and some of them like that. The G-spot is not a magical in-the-vagina button that causes orgasms, though. However, when advice or anything like this talks about G-spot stimulation and climaxing or orgasming without being clear about what the G-spot has actually been shown to do (ejaculation for some but never orgasm), then that advice is piling on to the mountain of information given to women thorughout their whole lives that makes it seem like we should all be orgasming from getting fucked, and it just plain is not true. So fuck this masturbation tip. It all would have been fine if they mentioned her stimulating her clit while she bobbed on her chair dildo.

Vibrator List -
Thrusting Action Jack Rabbit  - Just like a real dude, it has a natural feeling head and can thrust in and out (at six speeds)
but unlike a real dude, it has vibrating rabbit ears to hit your clit while it's thrusting...
Luvit - The OG inventors released this improved silicone version with five clitoral "ticklers" on the ear.
Exactly. Now we're talking about the right shit.
Ina Wave - The shaft waves back and forth in a come-hither motion that's excellent for hitting your G-spot at an orgasmic pace.
First off - Did I not just go over that it's irresponsible to say that G-spot can be hit at an orgasmic pace, because stimulating the G-Spot has never been shown to cause orgasms...only ejaculations. Secondly, This has a vibrating part that stimulates the clit while the other part is inside as well. I think we're not talking about that enough. Thirdly, if the writers had their shit together and were talking about this G-spot stimulation correctly as ejaculation inducing instead of orgasm inducing, then the come-hither motion would make sense. That is often said to be a good way to elicit ejaculation from G-spot stim.
Nova - The super flexible bunny ear can bend against your body for seamless clitoral contact. 
Good. All these damn bunny-ear-style vibrators should have seamless clit contact. That's how a bitch comes.

Sex Q&A -
What's a fun way to use a foam roller in bed?
Okay, fair enough sex question. They say it can prop up the lower back for oral - so he gets a better angle on the lady junk. I'm down with that. Also they say you can use it to
prop up your booty in missionary by positioning it under your lower back, suggests sex coach Amy Levine. This angle means you'll feel him extra deep against your g-spot, and the rolling motion it allows will make his thrusting smoother.
We're back talking about the G-spot again, like it's some amazing orgasmic thing to hit. They didn't say it would cause orgasm in this quote at least, but the insinuation was there. Also, I don't think they know where the G-spot is. It's not deep at all. It's inside towards the stomach only a few inches. A curved index finger can reach it...You don't need a dick in there extra deep to hit the G-spot for some possible ejaculation time...in fact you don't need a dick at all. A finger probably works better.

Vulva Rating
Even though i respect some of the advice, the bad advice erases it, and I so expect more from a magazine that's for women. They need to get Ms. Jill Hamilton, who's writing the online cosmo sex positions to do the actual print stuff too. She knows what's up.

This Magazine gets 1 1/2 vulvas out of 5



Become Cliterate With Dr. Laurie Mintz! - An Orgasm Equality Hero

A post about Dr. Laurie Mintz has been on my list for a few months now - ever since I saw her on Twitter. She has a new book out called Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How To Get It. Obviously, I'm gonna like this book. First, it actually says the words 'orgasm equality,' which is like my #1 favorite thing to say besides lady-gasm and lady-bation. Second, it talks about being Cliterate which clearly means this book is rightly focusing on the clit in relation to female orgasm, and it also gives an homage to artist Sophia Wallace's badass 2012 Cliteracy project, which we all know I also have mad respect for. I haven't actually read Dr. Mintz's book yet, but I've ordered it, and I will. I will also write about it when I'm done, but judging from her blog, I will be in love.

In fact, from blog content and book name alone, Dr. Laurie Mintz is getting directly added into an oh-so-coveted space in the Orgasm Equality Heroes List. She's doing the good work people..the good work.

So, just to give you a taste of the good work she is doing let me mention a few things.

Her latest blog post at the time I was writing this article was so damn on point. It said pretty much all the things I yearn to hear in an article about lady-gasms. That just plain doesn't happen very often. In even the most progressive articles I read, the details about how fundamental the clit is to female orgasm are too often wishy-washy and easily yield to the scientifically unfounded but culturally omnipresent idea that women can orgasm through inner vaginal stimulation as well as numerous other ways (like, 'the clit is sooo important, but any way a woman orgasms is super valid too!'..I mean whatever you do and like is valid, of course, but sex educators should be real about the fact that there has never been physical evidence in all of scientific literature of a physical orgasm achieved through stimulation inside the vagina), or there isn't usually a clear bold statement about how totally fucked up it is that female bodies are able to orgasm, but that they simply don't very often in partnered situations (particularly with male bodies).

Dr. Laurie Mintz's post does not do that. What it does is say the things we as a culture should be screaming at the top of our lungs.
  • Females orgasm strikingly less than men in partnered sex situations (particularly cis hetero ones)
  • Female bodies are absolutely able to orgasm as quickly, easily, and reliably as men during masturbation (which means when they have appropriate stimulation to do so)
  • When males have intercourse, the stimulation is similar to how they masturbate, for females intercourse stimulation is not similar to how they masturbate, and clearly is a big reason for less female orgasms in so many sexual situations
  • The best advice for how a female can orgasm with a partner is for them to get, during that experience, the same type of stimulation they get when they are masturbating on their own.
I mean those are the basics. If you just roll those around in your head for a minute and then really consider how the world describes, teaches, depicts, and experiences sex with females...it's just a little insane how much disconnect there is. It's a bit sad actually, but I believe that every time a person speaks/writes these things out loud (and honestly it doesn't happen that much), it makes someone or hopefully a lot of people have to face a reality that we as a culture are really blind to, and it makes a dent. Her blog and presumably her book are making a dent.

Later she wrote a post as a letter to young women about what maybe they might learn from the Aziz Ansari thing, and again, I was really excited and happy to see that she connected the general state of the sexual landscape for females with the more specific and complicated issues brought up by 'grey area' coercive sex....'cause I agree, at the heart of all this is that as a culture, we don't physically understand female orgasm and frankly don't care much about it. She, oh so rightly says,
The bottom line is that both these grey-zone coercive situations and completely consensual sexual encounters during which you don’t orgasm are both related to the same root cultural problem. The problem is a culture that prioritizes and privileges male pleasure and an erect penis as the center of sex and disregards female pleasure and the clitoris as secondary or irrelevant.
So, BRAVO to you Dr. Mintz! Keep fighting that good fight, and let's get some Orgasm Equality Revolution up in this bitch!


Alana Massey and her 'Meh' Sex Truth-Telling

I'm behind on things, and I really like this post and the article it is about. So that together means you get a repost from October 16, 2015. Enjoy.

A diligent and good friend sent me a link yesterday to an article called "A woman's right to say 'meh': being sex positive won't guarantee you an orgasm," and I'll be goddamned if this article didn't knock my socks off. Alana Massey (and please do go check out some her other writing HERE. I was thoroughly enthralled with them yesterday) cut through the status quo bullshit by being honest, and it was revolutionary. So much so that I couldn't stop myself from immediately adding her to my ever growing list of people saying shit that will help start the next sexual revolution. Please go check her out on the Orgasm Equality Allies megalist.

Let me be clear. Women speaking honestly about the blah, meh, annoying, embarrassing (truly embarrassing - not like 'I totally farted once while we were having sex' embarrassing), sad disappointing, and unfair aspects of our sexual feelings and experiences is revolutionary. It's revolutionary because what we usually hear is:
  • how AMAZING sex is
  • how bad sexual assault is, or
  • how we can spice up our sex lives, get over those inhibitions, balance out those pesky hormones, and finally tell our partner what we really wants so we can be having AMAZING sex too! By golly!

Alana, however, cuts through the standard talking points and speaks impactful truth here: As a whole, women are not having great sex.

The bad-ass article
Using an anecdote from a dating app interaction as a jumping off point, she describes the frustration with navigating a sexual culture that is quite simply, pretty shitty for us ladies. She gives a nod to the often discussed (although still quite harsh) damned if you do damned if you don't, slut vs. prude situation, but then she digs deeper into some real revolutionary shit. The truth is, whether you do or you don't, on a whole it's mediocre sex anyway.
The kicker? It is more emotionally laborious for a lot of women to explain why they don’t want to have mediocre sex than to simply have the mediocre sex. It’s just that the sex does approximately as much for us as making a cupping motion over our elbow over and over again. It doesn’t hurt, but why would we?
I know, right? Can we at least get some orgasms up in here? No? Okay, I guess I'll just live with it.
For the most part, we’re comfortable with perpetuating the myth that it is easier to fit a camel through a needle’s eye (thanks for the metaphor, Jesus) than to give a woman an orgasm, instead of admitting that we’ve never prioritized teaching men how to give them. 
She is spot on with this. Women aren't orgasming, and we just brush this huge problem under the rug. Alana don't brush nothin' under the rug though, and that's why she's a badass Orgasm Equality Hero.

The comments 
So...I read some of the comments on this post, (just some, cause there was over 1200), and they reminded me that even if one speaks these truths, the #1 reaction is still to swiftly and confidently tell everyone that the author is wrong. There is no problem...except with the author.

Granted, there were lots of comments from women who related deeply to this and defended these truths, but these ladies can only do so much given that there seems to be little interest in entertaining even the mere possibility that our culture holds deep rooted orgasm, pleasure and sex inequalities. So, inevitably, the negative posts on this outweighed the positive, and they looked almost exactly like comments I get on posts about orgasm equality. Outside of just plain nasty ones with little content, I'd say they mostly boil down to this:

1. This writer is dumb/an anomaly/whiny because her problems with sex actually come down to her not communicating her needs and/or choosing bad men and/or being too emotionally unattached. There is no problem.
2. I am a man that is really good at sex and really amazing to the women I have sex with. I care about women and sex, I mean, I don't even enjoy it AT ALL unless she comes. Therefore there is no problem.
3. I am a woman that has AMAZING sex All. The. Time. because I have a great man and/or because I am really great at all things sex. Therefore there is no problem.
4. It's undeniably true that women's sexual organs are like snowflakes. None are like another. There is absolutely NO way of telling what might make a woman come unless she tells you. I just wanted to say that and remind everyone that it is no one's or nothing's fault ever that women don't orgasm. Hell, some women absolutely hate orgasms and prefer to just enjoy the sensual and emotional parts of sex. So, there really is no problem at all. Just communicate with your partners and everything will be fine, k?
5. Well, evolution. So, ya know...men...spreading seed and all that. There's no problem here. It's just biology, sorry to tell ya.
6. Uh, proven fact: Actually women don't know how to please men either (teethy blowjobs, am I right?!) - so, your assertion that there is a problem with gender inequality in regards to orgasm/pleasure is utterly baseless and/or sexist.

I wanted to bring up the comments (and seriously, they really do pretty much land in those categories) because I think it's useful to note how hard people push against really hearing that there is orgasm inequality between the sexes. It's either sloughed off as just biology, dismissed as nothing really, or there is a simple refusal to see it as something larger than personal or relationship communication issues.

Cause ain't nobody wanting to hear this
These comments exemplify how quickly and confidently women's explorations of orgasm, pleasure, and sexual inequalities are marginalized, and not just by men. There is a wide cultural stronghold against talking honestly about this shit - about even insinuating there is a larger problem with inequality. Because when we say this, we are also saying that consensual, well intentioned sex acts between a man and a woman who are good, smart, thoughtful, even lovingly married people are still tarnished to some degree, and that is not a can of worms people are ready to open.

But I feel like I'm seeing more and more people exploring anyway; laying down truth like Alana did - even while knowing 300 or more commentors will close their ears and accuse her in a variety of creative ways of being stupid about sex on a personal level; assuring all the other readers that there is no 'problem' here. There is only this writer and people like her who are silly, bad communicators, too frigid, too eager to jump into bed with bad men, too focused on the 'physical,' and generally just bad at sex.

It's such a beautifully effective way to shame and silence authentic female frustration about sex, and honestly, I don't even think most of the commentors mean to do it. They are just framing the discussion in the way discussions of sex are always framed, and they think they are helping by using their experience to tell you what your problem is.
It is a cruel tool in a culture that was infiltrated by a certain brand of blasé sex positivity long before achieving true gender equality and, by extension, before we’ve decentralized men’s orgasms as the ultimate purpose of sex between a man and a woman.
 Alana was specifically talking above about how easily men shame women who are not "immediately open and enthusiastic about sex," but I think her point about there being a brand of sex positivity that is enthusiastically embraced but not actually built on a proper foundation is integral to this problem of orgasm/pleasure/sexual inequality. However, as she later points out, that orgasm/pleasure/sexual part never seems to enter serious discussion on gender inequality, and I think she's, again, spot on about why.
But the absence of sexual satisfaction from these discussions is also due to the belief that, for the most part, sexual inequality was resolved by the sexual revolution, women’s lib and the widespread adoption of birth control. The legacy of these movements is a mountain of unfinished business which gave birth to a half-formed sex positivity lovechild now wrecking havoc on anyone who isn’t down to fuck. 
In practice, sex positivism is an ideology that says, “What’s the big deal?” about sex, countering a narrative which sees it as inherently negative and shameful. But it dismisses our reply..."
And that's just it isn't it? Our replies about the blah, meh, annoying, sad, disappointing, and unfair aspects of sex keep getting blindly dismissed.

I'll leave you with one of Alana's final paragraphs. It is honest and bold and needed, and I respect the hell out of her. Keep your revolution spinning, Ms. Alana! Also, please, please go read this full article HERE.
That all this happens while, for women who have sex with men, some of the most disappointing experiences in life are sex with men. We tell women to have sex with as many partners as they like, but then don’t vigorously encourage those partners to be any good at sex. Women who opt out of frequent sex or sex entirely are considered repressed, and women who opt in are considered worthy of disrespect. That many of us have developed a politics of ambivalence toward sex in a society that can’t make up its mind should be no surprise. “Blah” is not just a reaction to these tiring conversations, it is a description of most of the sex itself.


Inside Amy Schumer S1 Ep4 - The SSL Review

Inside Amy Schumer Season1 Episode 4
This show makes me laugh, and here's the best part - Amy Schumer tends to bring it when it comes to realism and female sexuality. She brought it in her movie Trainwreck, in The Joe Rogan Podcast, and largely in the other episodes of this show I've SSL Reviewed so far. She has shown a strong willingness to give the clit the glory it deserves, speak some truths about lady sex experiences, rep for actual lady-gasms - all things largely absent in media and also incredibly important to Orgasm Equality. (She could use some schooling and humbling when it comes to speaking about race though).

The SSL Reviewable
There is plenty to SSL Review in this show. And for those that don't yet know, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussions or depictions of female orgasm, female masturbation, or the clit. I focus on that and really only that (unless I want to talk about something else). I'm looking mainly at realism and about how the depiction/discussion plays in the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and women's sexuality. This particular SSL Review will be a big stretch, however. There are no specific discussions about female orgasm, but I think the lack of female orgasm is so boldly written between the lines, that i thought this episode was worthy of a a post.

Please, my friends, do enjoy more SSL Reviews for MOVIES and TV SHOWS.

Lady Porn Sketch
So here's the scene:

Amy is talking to her friend. they're both sitting on the couch together. the friend says that she just doesn't like the idea of porn, and she's just not into it. Amy, however, says that she really should watch this one because it is different. It feels like real sex. It's literally from the woman's point of view. Her friend reluctantly says okay, and then we get to see this porn.

It's POV of a woman being banged by a sweaty shirtless dude. First she's looking at his chest, then, clearly she was turned over because she's looking at the mattress and her hand that's holding her up. She tries to touch the guy's hand, but he kinda pushes it off. Then she is turned over again, and he's telling her to move down, and she says he's on her hair. He moves a little and then he asks her to call him Adam Sandler (specifically from the movie Spanglish) and asks her if she can bend her leg back more (she says she can't). Then he's all like, 'OK,OK, OK, OK" and comes, then rolls over. She tries to touch him, and he brushes her off, and she turns on the TV.

Then Amy's friend goes, "Did you show me this so I would think guys are gross and lez-out with you?...It worked." and they start making out....which in turn becomes an internet porn clip that some dude is watching and licking his lips.

Big Dick Dikscussion
She starts out talking about how a big dick is like a unicorn. In theory it'd be nice to see it, but then when it's there in front of you, it's just a horse with a weapon on it's head and it's terrifying,.
I went home with guy and he went down on me right away, because he was raised well. I'm thinking of getting his mom's email - give her a shout out. So he's doing that, and then he gave up after a while because he could see I was texting (I'm like, it's about you!). So, and then he presents his penis, like, here it is. And I think he thought that because I was like a substantial gal, that I'd be like 'that ol' thing,' but I was like, 'MOM!!!!' It didn't even register as a cock. It just looked like an animal had latched on....I was not excited. It was just like all fear. I was like What! No! and I know I should have been excited. I know I should have been taking instagram pics with it.
All her stand-up has to do with her situation with a guy with a big dick. Even her segment, Amy Goes Deep where she does one on one interviews with non-celebrities, is with a guy that has a big dick. It's not at all about his ability to please a woman with his big ol' schlong. In fact, I think she particularly steers away from that conversation. She just keeps making jokes about a big dick and how painful and cumbersome it can be during sex, and he's, to me, very proud of it and thinks that it is incredibly exciting and pleasing to women, and he begins to allude to that, but she just doesn't let him talk much. Like she asks him about masturbating - if it takes him longer than other guys, and he says he stopped masturbating a good while ago...clearly alluding to the fact that he doesn't have to because he has so many pussies willing to get fucked he doesn't need to do that, but she just kinda cuts him off and asks if it's because it's so big he needs a team of experts like heave-ho-ing on it to get it done. Other than that, she just talks about what his balls look like, asks him if he's tried anal and where that woman is buried, and you know, stuff like that.

My Thoughts
Okay - so like I said above, this post for me is all about looking at things that are SUPPOSED to be hot for women, but actually probably aren't most of the time. And, that to me, at its core, is about how twisted the assumptions about female pleasure and female orgasm are - about how wrong we, as a culture, have it.

The Porn Stuff
There is no actual depiction/discussion of orgasm here, but I feel like the distinct depiction of its lack is important and worthy of a review. There's a lot going on with this skit, but the aspect I want to focus on is it's voice about how boring, gross, unsexy, and unorgasmic sex often is for women. The skit's about porn, but really the funny part is that we're seeing a real woman's POV experience of sex...like totally from her perspective. Its humor arises largely, I think, because it seems outrageous how bad it is, but at the same time, for women it hits home. I venture to say most women have at least once had an experience quite similar. This, my friend, is the kind of thing we need a woman's eye to write because it's not the public face of female sexual experience we're looking at in this skit. It's the hidden untalked about one. Instead of showing the female experience of sex in a braggy, bravado sex-kitten way or a scary rapey way - which is how we often see them depicted, this was about as normal as it can get. Now, let that sink in because IT SUCKED...and yet it's sooo familiar to sooo many..

And, yes people who are indignantly thinking #NotAllSex, I get it. I get that there can be really sexy, hot even orgasmic sex for the ladies out there. It's obviously possible, and it obviously happens. I'm totally down with that, but I'm not down with using #NotAllSex types of excuses to gloss over or ignore the severity and importance of how terrible normal ol' sex often is. I'm not going to pretend like sex described in this skit is just terrible sex in the way you would describe terrible ice cream. We know that most ice cream is not terrible, so this terrible ice cream must be out of the ordinary #NotAllIceCream. We'd like to think of sex in the same way, but really it's only men who get that luxury. For women terrible sex is just an extreme case of the already quite shit sex that is the norm of sex, and even women who are having better sex now have probably had sex like this sometime in their life...because normal sex is too often terrible for the ladies (Here's a primer of how orgasm-less penetration is for ladies, HERE's some writing on how bad normal sex is...and another....and another...and another related to terrible/normal oral sex)

The Big Dick Stuff
So, first we have a send-up of plain ol'sex with dudes. It's something that women are supposed to be all hot for, but the reality is that it's often terrible and often orgasm-less. Now we get the send-up of big dicks. They are supposed to be hot to women. We're supposed to be desperate for them. They're supposed to be lady-gasm giving machines. BUT...the reality is that's a bunch of bullshit, and not just because penises (even big ones) are pretty useless at giving women orgasms (seriously), but also because a big dick might just be too damn big, man.

Amy isn't playing by mythology of big dicks mean virile, manly men that are able to please women. Women know that shit ain't true. We know a big dick hurts like a motherfucker when it hits your cervix or if you're not dripping like Niagara Falls and horny as a mothafucka. We know the orgasmic hope the myth of giant cocks bring melts away into a sad fleeing cloud when were orgasm-less and a little too 'fucked-sore' at the end of it. I mmean I'm not saying a big dick isn't hot to look at and touch, but the realities of that inside you are often far from glamorous.

Amy keeps it real in the stand-up and the interview. Both the man in her story and the man she was interviewing had an idea that women would really be excited about their dig ol' bicks, but she never let's that feeling linger in the air. She just simply doesn't play into that myth, and I think in doing that she takes some of its power away.

The Vulva Rating
I think her perspective on these two things that have a long proud history as lady-gasm givers - intercourse with a dick and intercourse with a big dick - is so on point, so female, and so hidden in our larger culture. I love that she unabashedly trashes these notions, and I think revealing her very female perspective on this lets other ladies know they're not crazy in thinking similar thoughts or experiencing similar things, and all that takes power away from these incorrect myths around how/why women orgasm.

I give this a 4 1/2 out of 5 vulva rating.



5 Movies #DirectedByWomen About Women Freaking Out About Love and/or Marriage

I started doing this categorized List of 5 movies thing where I showcase movies that were directed by women and that I have actually seen. It all started during the Directed By Women Worldwide Viewing Party in September 2015, and it was pretty fun, so I've continued doing it from time to time.

It's a bit off-topic from my normal fare, ya know, being that it's not specifically about lady-gasms or anything like that, but I think it fits the blog because
1. this blog is also about indie movie-making, and
2. this blog is partially about getting the female perspective of sexuality into our media. So, to me, supporting female voices in our media  means we're creating more room for female voices to speak on all types of things, which sometimes will be sex, orgasms, and sexuality.

You can find all my 5-movie lists HERE.

We're heading towards Valentines Day with it's focus on a certain type of love  - a love that scares some. In fact it scares some so much that they make movies about how scared they are of it...or maybe how strange they feel that they aren't experiencing what they believe that certain type of love to be (usually related to seeing their friends get married). They also never consider anything outside of a monogamous long-term relationship, and honestly, it might be a more interesting movie if they did. But anyway - that, my friends, is the focus of ALL the movies in this special Valentine edition of the 5 #DirectedByWomen movie list.  Enjoy.

Post Grad - This was directed by Vicki Jenson. I saw this fairly recently on Netflix, I believe. Michael Keaton is the dad in this, which was a surprise. I enjoyed it. It's my kind of alone on a Saturday night watch.

2 Laggies - This one was directed by Lynn Shelton. So, this one was a surprisingly fun movie, and a better take on the very similar theme all these movies share. It's just a little weirder and more fun for my taste. I was pleasantly surprised when I watched this on probably Netflix? Amazon? I don't know. something streaming. You might be too.

3 Cake - This was directed by Nisha Ganatra. I saw this also on something streaming some night when I was chillin' alone eating fancy cheese and crackers and chocolate for dinner. This is not the Cake with Jennifer Aniston. this one came first. I liked watching this one too. It was what I was looking for.

4 It Had To Be You - This was directed by Sasha Gordon. I believe (and I hope I'm not just talking out of my ass here - I'm going from memory) that this director is also a composer who did the music for this movie as well as directing. You can tell. This is an indie movie, but the music is more interesting and dynamic than most indie movies. It makes a HUGE difference - because honestly indie movie music can be pretty terribly boring and cliche. That, plus the generally well made-ness of this movie makes it something I would definitely recommend.

5 Landlines - This was directed by Gillian Robespierre. She had previously directed Obvious Child, which I really loved so I sought this out when it was released. I love the main actress in this, and I thought it was a really entertaining movie that in its weirdest parts, was pretty intriguing, but if I'm being real honest had a much more stale voice on long term relationships and monogomy than I was hoping for. But, that said, it is still a really good movie.


Saturday Night Fever - The SSL Review

Saturday Night Fever
I remember catching this movie on late night TV sometime in my late teens or early 20's. I'd only really known it as the whole BeeGees-John Travolta-Disco Dancing Point Move thing. Turns out, it's a dark, gritty movie, and I really liked it. Also, like for real, Travolta's dancing is more than that point move he did. He's a stone cold fab dancer. Anyway, saw it on Amazon Prime a couple nights ago, and decided to give it a re-watch. Still very much enjoyed it - even with all the rapey-ness and actual rape in it (I don't remember how I related to those scenes when I first saw it, but now I feel like they seem particularly poignant about how women are forced to traverse our sexual and romantic culture. I don't think the movie plays these lightly, but I also wonder how these scenes were perceived in 1977 when the movie came out).

There was also a lady-gasm scene in this movie, and so lucky me/lucky you, I get to SSL Review it.

The SSL Review Review
Here's a quick summary of an SSL Review for newbies. An SSL Review is a critique of depictions or discussions of female masturbation, female orgasm, or the clit. I only review those scenes - not the movie as a whole (unless I feel like talking about more), and I focus mostly on the realism of the depiction/discussion and also how it fits into a larger cultural discussion of female orgasm and sexuality.

Check all the SSL Review movies HERE and TV SSL Reviews HERE.

Lady-gasm Through A Car Window
Let me set the scene. Travolta (Tony) and his friends go to this disco in their home area of Brooklyn every weekend. They all drive in one car, and as they are getting out of the car to start their disco night, we hear them remind each other that they get 5 minutes in the car for fucking and then the next guy gets his turn. So, stuff happens in the disco, and then one friend (Joey) and his lady friend come up to Tony and complain that another friend (Double J) has already been in there 25 minutes, and he can't get him out. Tony, annoyed that these dudes can't do anything without him (he is the leader of this pack), goes out to the car followed by the couple. They bang on the wind and the following conversation ensues
Tony: Alright. Get out. You've been in there 20 minutes. Get out!
Then we see into the car (they're looking right in there at him), and we see Double J's naked butt, his pants around his thighs doing the girl missionary across the length of the back seat. We can't really see her underneath him. He kinda turns his head back to they guys looking through the window and says

Double J: 25 in the car, 20 in the chick
Tony: Yeah, well get out before we pull you out.
We hear her let out a bit of a moan
Double J: She ain't come yet!
Tony: (straight faced) Since when do you care?
We then see Double J move so that he's sitting on the middle of the back seat facing forward, and she is in front of him kinda on his lap facing away with her hands on the backs of the front seats. Since we don't see them again until after she comes, it's possible that she could have rubbed her clit, but nothing indicates that.
We are outside the car now and can't see quite what is going on.
Double J: Whoa...Okay. It's happening.
Lady in car: "Harder! Harder!
Double J: It's happening. It's happening!!
It clearly happens
Double J: I'll be out in a minute man 
Lady in car: Harder! I'm coming! I'm coming! (screams in orgasm) 
Double J: Oh Yeah!
The Review
Classic Laugh Line
First off, I think the lines where that dude says the gal hasn't come yet, and Tony says he never cared before, are pretty poignant about the state of our culture. It's like, kinda a joke but also not. That joke always is...still to this day. That whole dudes-don't-care-if -the-women-they-fuck-come thing can be used as a classic laugh line because even though at that time and today it's clearly a thoughtless, shitty way to approach sex with a woman, it can be a laugh line because it's also 'real-talk, hard-truth humor,' and that's kinda sad.

In 1977 when this movie was made, the idea that women should come during sex was maybe even more of a cultural topic than today because it was only a few years after the big important milestones in the women's sexual revolution. Masters & Johnston released their research showing that women can and do orgasm from appropriate clitoral stimulation and that couples should make sure the woman orgasms. Shere Hite published her surveys of women talking about their orgasm, masturbation, and sexual experiences. Hite told the world that it's BS women don't come during sexual encounters when they are absolutely capable of doing so given the right stimulation. The women's movement in general was heavy in the air in the mid-late 70's making, I assume, men feel wierd and nervous and defensive. The idea that women should be orgasming during sex was all part of that ( I wasn't even born at this time, but the writings from this time made it clear that this was a seemingly new and nerve-hitting topic of the day).

All that to say I think maybe, and I could absolutely be wrong here, that was one of the lines specifically added in this movie to demonstrate what types of guys these were. They were macho and old-school in their feelings - particularly about women. I say this because the movie absolutely has a strong theme involving men's inability to see women - as anything other than a pussy to stick a dick in, that is. So, if you ask me, I'd say that this laugh line pointing out disinterest in a woman's orgasm indicates these characters are the kinds of dudes that like to specifically give the fringe feminist ethos of the time a big 'fuck you.'

That line was written over 40 year ago, and I'm talking so much about it because I find it particularly relevant given that laugh lines about this kind of thing are still quite popular - in more machismo elements of our culture, but also in more mainstream media, memes, etc. Even if it's meant as a joke it's still true in our culture that it is a joke because it's kinda true. And when it's used as a laugh line, most would argue it is 'just a joke' - making fun of those people - you know, the other people who unlike 'most guys' don't have utmost understanding and respect for their lady-partner's desires and orgasm. Please. Like I said before, it's a laugh line because of the truth behind it, and I know that there is truth behind it because of all male-orgasm-only sexual encounters happening out there that include way more than just 'those other dudes.' It's kinda dudes in general with women in general being complicit. So point here is that I think we should remember we haven't come that far on the topic of female orgasm from where we were when this movie came out.

As for the woman's orgasm in the car. I don't know how this was intended to be perceived, but since there was no indication she was diddling her clit during the time she was off screen. This, I would argue, is a depiction of a woman getting a penis moved in and out of her vaginal canal and vocally expressing an orgasm even though the physical things happening to her were not realistically things that would get a woman off - like anatomically speaking.

I always consider the possibility in these common, yet unrealistic depictions of female orgasm  that the intention was actually to depict a woman faking an orgasm. Occasionally I can argue that, but mostly, it doesn't seem to be the case, and in this scene, I would venture to guess she was really intended to be orgasming. I mean we were told that he had been screwing her for 20 minutes, and the incorrect/misleading notion that women need their vaginal canals banged for 20-30 minutes before they can come was around then as much as it is today, so it makes sense to me that the director wanted her to come and assumed that within the sex act they depicted, her orgasm was realistic. He was wrong to assume that banging a woman would cause her to come . It's actually unrealistic as hell because WOMEN NEED OUTER CLITORAL STIMULATION TO COME, but whatever. This is so common of a way lady-gasms are depicted that I'm not even mad.

If you ask me, though, the fact that she did make orgasm sounds there makes a lot of real-life sense to me. It seems realistic to what would actually happen in that situation. Granted this is completely fiction, and I'm now musing about what was really happening in this fictional scene, but I want to just play through this. So, what I mean here is that a classic way women fake an orgasm (or maybe a lot of times it's not quite faking, but just showing excitement in the way we think we should and is sexy for the man) is to vocally 'come' while he is actually coming. It's been a sensible option in a lot of ways for a lot of women. It's hot to him so it helps him get over the hump and come, but it also lets him know he can come if he feels he has to bang and hold off his orgasm until she comes. Bada boom bada bing. It ends all the banging that is actually not making her come and probably getting boring, Plus he's satisfied he's a real man and satisfied her. Everyone's happy...well, except the woman who in the moment or even years later will realize she's been having orgasmless, shit sex that has slowly chipped away at her once bountiful sex drive...I mean other than that.

The Vulva Rating
Saturday Night Fever had a classic scene of a woman coming during intercourse even though there was absolutely no clitoral stimulation involved. It's unrealistic and adds to the mountain of other scenes like this that continue to convince every new generation of women that they should be able to orgasm this way, even though anatomy and research into female orgasm says otherwise. It pushes incorrect ideas about how sex and orgasms should be, and does a lot of harm to women and men alike.

So that's bad, but I also think this movie is good and I think for its time it was a thoughtful look into how men so easily and commonly disregard women. So I give it a little point for that. I give this movie a 1 1/2 out of 5 star rating.



Inside Amy Schumer S1 Ep8: The SSL Review

Inside Amy Schumer Season1 Episode 8
This show makes me laugh, and here's the best part - Amy Schumer tends to bring it when it comes to realism and female sexuality. She brought it in her movie Trainwreck, in The Joe Rogan Podcast, and largely in the other episodes of this show I've SSL Reviewed so far. She has shown a strong willingness to give the clit the glory it deserves, speak some truths about lady sex experiences, rep for actual lady-gasms - all things largely absent in media and also incredibly important to Orgasm Equality. (She could use some schooling and humbling when it comes to speaking about race though).

The SSL Reviewable
There is plenty to SSL Review in this show. And for those that don't yet know, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussions or depictions of female orgasm, female masturbation, or the clit. I focus on that and really only that (unless I want to talk about something else). I'm looking mainly at realism and about how the depiction/discussion plays in the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and women's sexuality.

Please, my friends, do enjoy more SSL Reviews for MOVIES and TV SHOWS.

Ladygasms: Balance Beams, Oscar Music, and Storage Wars
In season 1, throughout the episodes, we see Amy Schumer doing actual stand-up. In episode 8 she's saying the following thing to the crowd.

Women. We're lucky, aren't we? 'Cause women, we can have multiple orgasms - I've read.
crowd laughs
And I swear, that's not me, like, trashing guys. It's not easy to give me an orgasm. It's not fun. It's...I have to have the focus of an Olympic hopeful on a balance beam.
She pantomimes being on a balance beam while the crowd laughs.
And I get distracted. If the temperature changes I'm like, "I lost it. I lost it." But women, like sometimes, we have to fake orgasms, right? And that's not us being disrespectful to men. That's just -- that's our way of saying to you, you know..."wrap it up." Right? That's your Oscar-play-off, end-your-speech music. We're saying, I love you. I'm glad we did this. But Storage Wars is on in a minute. Get out of me.

The Review
Here are my thoughts. I'll make it quick.

When she talks about multiple orgasms, she does two thing there that I think are poignant.
1 She gives a nod to the idea that women are like somehow way luckier because we get to have multiple orgasms, but I've always thought the insinuation of that idea is a bunch of bullshit because:

First, men can have multiple orgasms too (it's harder and uncommon, but they just have to hold of  their ejaculation).

Second, a multiple orgasm is just, like, a longer orgasm. Like there's an orgasm; you keep stimulating; there's another and it goes on for a few minutes. It's not like women are orgasming for hours on end in a state of nirvana like romance novels and numerous TV and movies would have you believe. That's just straight up BS. So, like, it's just a bit longer experience for a woman having multiple orgasms.

Third, and this is most important. Women barely orgasm at all when we're in bed with a man, so fuck if multiple orgasms are possible. We still in the overall just don't get as many orgasms as men - by far, and to say we're lucky in the orgasm department is a severe misreading of the lady-sex experience. Maybe I'm not speaking for all women here, but we'd take consistent orgasms during sex, partners who have a basic understanding of what we need to orgasm, and a general culture that prioritizes our orgasmic pleasure over some measly multi-orgasm ability any day...especially since men actually could have that ability as well.

She adds in 'I've read,' at the end of that statement about women's luckiness and multiple orgasms, and I think it changes a lot. I like it because that add-on gives a nod to the idea that women read and hear stuff all the time about different types of orgasm and ways to get mind-blowing orgasms and all that, but it doesn't actually make sense against what we know about our bodies and our actual sexual experiences (because mostly we hear completely incorrect and often ridiculous things about our orgasms). I think this statement as a whole is realistic and from a woman's perspective...Like, I imagine a woman hearing that and being like - 'yeah! I'm not the only one who hears how AMAZING multiple orgasms are and how I should be having them, but only has like a normal orgasm...sometimes...when he eats me out. I felt kinda bad about not being able to elicit this amazing multiple orgasm I'm supposed to be having, but at least I'm not the only one!'

She jokes about how hard it is to give her an orgasm, and I think it's probably realistic to some degree, but I have 2 conflicting thoughts about it.

 It adds to the stereotype that women's bodies are just more fickle about orgasms; as if women's innate capability for orgasm is more reliant on mood and environment than men's. There's really, in my humble opinion, no reason to believe that women's bodies are naturally less able to orgasm in this way. There is every reason, however, to believe that women aren't getting the best stimulation for orgasm a lot of the time, and we mistake the trouble women have coming because of that for women's bodies being too persnickety (because we literally don't understand that women orgasm from clitoral glans area stimulation and not from vaginal canal stimulation...and we also don't understand how much normal, everyday sexual encounters are often quite damaging to lady-desire).

2 On the other hand - I think in practice women are more persnickety about mood and environment leading up to our orgasm, but it's not an innate thing. In my, again, humble opinion, it's because we've endured way more sexual assaults, orgasm-less sex, shitty/boring/coercive sexual interactions than men. So, unlike men, we may have a lot of things about a sexual interaction that, from past experiences, don't associate in our mind with arousal, and so we have to be a bit persnickety to find what gets our arousal going enough to get us to orgasm...because so many parts of sex, that are and have always been arousing for men, can become off-putting, unarousing, scary, or just plane gross for women given our past experiences.
So, I do think Amy's coming from a place of realism from a female perspective, but without context and deeper discussion, it also just reinforces a damaging stereotype instead as opposed to open audiences to new perspectives, which at it's best, is what comedy can do.

Then she talks about faking.
It's true that women fake, and I like when people talk about it and put it out there in the open. We as a culture need to confront that fully and completely. Our culture is never going to understand (and be shamed by) how very little consideration is given to women's orgasms until we all get real and stop believing, even kinda-half-believing, that all the faked orgasms out there are actual orgasms. The more we talk about women faking, the more we have to face it, and the more we have to consider that we, our partner, the porn actress, or that character on that show aren't actually orgasming and that mimicking what got them or us to that fake orgasm is not going to magically also be sensible for attaining an actual orgasm.

Also, yes women need to stop faking because clearly it's counter productive. I get that, but I won't put this all on ladies and their "choice" to fake. I think faking is often more complicated than any easy fake/notfake, 50/50 choice. There's a lot to unpack there, but I will say dudes and the culture at large have a huge responsibility in this as well. And one thing that dudes could do is consider that maybe women don't want you banging on them for hours, and maybe that girl (probably every girl that wasn't also explicitly working her clitoral glans area also) that came while you were fucking her, did not actually come and maybe was just done with you fucking her. She was playing the 'Oscar-play-off, end-your-speech music'  Seriously. Consider that...and then try to ask, listen, learn, and adjust accordingly with as little judgment and as much consideration as possible.

Vulva Rating
I always love the female perspective, and I like her real-talk about faking so the dude will just stop. I also like the way she turned the multiple orgasm joke from the BS notion that women are sooo much more lucky than men because of multiple orgasms to a point about how women's bodies (or at least her's...and other women can then also relate) don't always seem to respond how orgasm advice says they should.

I again thought the discussion of the persnickety lady-body was realistic in practice, and it probably is good for women who feel their ability to orgasm is not what it should/could be (like why can't we all just orgasm like Samantha on Sex and the City). It's good and healing to know you are not alone (in fact 6you're probably very normal and Samantha in real life would not actually be orgasming doing those things she does most of the time). However, it also just reinforces the bad stereotype that women naturally need more in order to orgasm.

This is a bit of a mixed bag, but overall good. I give this a 3 1/2 out of 5 vulvas.