2.02.2019

Check Out This Music Video, Yo!



Hello all -  it's the first not desperately freezing day in a while here, so I'm gonna celebrate by posting something fun and movie-making related (as opposed to ladygasm/ladybation/clit related) today.

As you may know (since this blog is a supplement to a movie we made), I'm part of a group of movie makers called AnC. Charles Borowicz (aka CBRUV) is part of AnC and the technical visionary of the group. When not working on AnC stuff, he does video and photography full time. Sometimes it's commercial work and sometimes it's his artwork and other times it's his artwork but in some level of collaboration with another type of artist. His most recent work is of the latter - a music video for artist Gwendolyn Dot.

He's also my husband, so I got to watch/comment on the process, hear the song a straight million times, and work with him on some of the shooting. I was mostly on the gems and smoke crew. The crew was me and him. I can turn gems very slow and gently now. The other crews (cloud crew, magical space crew,  water crew, rainbow balloon digiverse crew etc.) were just him, so I guess they weren't really crews.

Anyway, this is some wild trippy, often lovely shit. Enjoy.


Placenta et al from AnC Movies on Vimeo.


1.26.2019

Insecure S2 Ep4 - The SSL Review



Insecure S2 Ep4
I watched seasons 1 and 2 of Insecure last fall and took notes, but hadn't gotten to writing any SSL Reviews until this past September. Much like that first Insecure SSL Review,  this SSL Review will not be given a high Vulva Rating. Again, this scene was a really basic - and terribly unrealistic - sex scenario were a dude bangs a woman and she orgasms with no clit thought at all. There are really a lot of scenes like this in Insecure, except most of them cut before we see anyone orgasm. We're just left to assume that what they were doing, which is ramming a P into a V with no absolutely no clit stimulation, was supposed to be orgasmic for both parties. I mean, that's pretty much the status quo for sex scenes in general whether they be on TV, movies or porn, so it's not surprising, but like I said in that other post, I was hoping for better.


SSL Reviews
As a quick reminder, SSL Reviews are depiction or discussions of female orgasm and/or masturbation and/or the clit. Only those specific things are reviewed - other discussions or depictions of sex or sexuality not within the above confines are for the most part not of interest to me. In these reviews,  I critique the realism (for instance, were the physical things happening to that women while she orgasmed things that could realistically cause orgasm for a woman?) and also speak on what the depiction/discussion reflects from and adds to the larger cultural discussion around lady-gasms and female sexuality.

You can see all the SSL TV Reviews HERE (and as always you can find all the movie SSL Reviews HERE).

S2 Ep4 - Fake Cowgirl

So again, I'm not going to use any names here because if you haven't seen this show, I don't want you to get any spoilers, but for my purpose, names aren't needed for this anyway. I would like to give you some context though, because besides the lady-gasm element, this scene has important elements related to race and gender/masculinity.

So, there is a black, male, regular character in here that I'll just call Dude. There are also 2 young, non-black (probably both white), female, non-regular characters. We'll call them Lady1 and Lady2.

Dude forgets his credit card when buying some things for a night out with friends. Lady1 and Lady2 are behind him in line and kindly buy his stuff. In the parking lot, they convince him to go back to their place. When they get there, the women turn on The Weeknd and start dancing seductively on him. It becomes, not unexpectedly, a threesome, ya'll.

We see Dude lying in the bed on his back with Lady1 on top of him, bouncing up and down cowgirl style. Her body is largely perpendicular to his, as opposed to her leaning forward on him, so her clit area is not pressed against him. Also, none of the 6 possible hands are anywhere near her clit. She says to him at one point during this, "Your black cock feels so good in my white pussy!" He's taken aback, but continues on. They both come audibly.

Lady2 then says it's her turn, but Dude is all like...uhhh I just came, I'm gonna need a second. The women immediately get bored and kinda annoyed, saying they've been with plenty of other black guys that were able to come and keep going. They move on to talking about dinner and later plans for the night, and Dude leaves a bit deflated.

The SSL Review
The Lady-gasm
First things first - Lady1's orgasm was super unrealistic. It was just her bouncing on a dick. There was no clitoral stimulation from hands or body friction. Stimulation on the inside of the vagina is simply not a realistic (or scientifically observed) way that women can orgasm. Clit stimulation, just like penis stimulation for men, is needed. Sadly though, a depiction of a woman orgasming from the same thing in intercourse a man orgasms from (a penis moving inside a vagina with no additional clitoral stimulation) is common. It's so common in fact, I would say it is kind of the way sex and orgasm is depicted.

So this scene is another of so, so, so many scenes out there that incorrectly reinforce to all the viewers that women can, maybe should, orgasm from getting nothing more than a good banging. It further cements the idea that intercourse should be as orgasmic for women as it is for men, and it helps to keep the clit largely invisible to female sexuality.

The vagina? Very important. The penis? Obviously needed. The clit?...um well, actually were is it exactly? I know it's also kinda important, like in the foreplay, right? Women can come from clit stuff too, right?

Like for real, people just don't get to see the clit involved in male-female sexual encounters very often at all, and almost never in male-female intercourse.

YET THE CLITORAL GLANS IS THE ORGAN OF FEMALE SEXUAL PLEASURE. FEMALES NEED IT TO ORGASM IN THE SAME WAY MALES NEED THEIR PENISES. IT'S LIKE SHOWING MEN ORGASMING WITHOUT THEIR PENISES INVOLVED. IT'S BONKERS, YET SOMEHOW WE ALLOW AND NORMALIZE DEPICTIONS OF NO-CLIT ORGASMS FOR WOMEN.

How the young woman in the scene orgasmsed, however, I think was an afterthought, as much lady-gasm depictions are, and so I imagine it was like it was because it's just the normal way we see women orgasm. So, I want to say I realize the failing in this scene is about lack of thought more than intentional lady-gasm hatred or anything like that. It's just the norm. I also want to say that these shitty lady-gasm depictions will not change until more people start realizing that lady-orgasm scenes deserve some thought....just putting that out there for you creators out there.

The Masculinity Stuff
The other part of why the lady-gasm depiction was a status-quo after thought is that his scene was not really much about Lady1's orgasm. It was about 1. Dude's experience with a sexual encounter focused strangely around race and particularly around the fetishization of his black body, and 2. Dude's masculinity (and particularly a specific idea of black masculinity) coming into question because of how he 'did' sex.

As a culture we often expect a dude to be able to keep orgasming over and over or to be able to stay hard after orgasming, or to be able to stay hard but not orgasm for a long time until after he's 'banged the woman into orgasm.' These are dumb, incorrect expectations of men and sex, but it's important to remember that they are deeply related to our misunderstandings of how females orgasm. Because we don't really understand what causes a woman to orgasm and because our culture is obsessed with the idea that intercourse should be as orgasmic for a vagina as it is for a penis, we tend to believe that:
1. women can be banged to orgasm
2. it takes a long time for women to orgasm NOTE: It doesn't take women any longer on average to masturbate to orgasm than men (because she'll actually be stimulating her clitoral glans in a way she likes)...but yeah, if she's just getting her vagina banged and her clit is barely being touched, it might take her a shitlong time - IF it happens at all
3. It's men's responsibility to give women orgasms

Here's the deal, when men believe their penises during intercourse are responsible for women's orgasms and women believe men are responsible for women's orgasms, so much terrible lady-gasmless sexual encounters happen it's just not funny. As we've discussed above, penises don't give women orgasms. Penises give men orgasms. Clits give women orgasms. Trying to make penises stay hard forever to bang women's vaginas into orgasm is like trying to stick a square peg into a round hole, and no one wins. Here's the big problems with that mentality

  • Women are left getting tons of stimulation that doesn't even help get them to orgasm
  • Men don't want to stop banging until women have orgasmsed...because manliness and niceness and all that...so it's ripe for women to fake...because femininity and niceness and all that
  • Men carry a lot of stress and mental acrobatics related to the awesomely orgasmic stimulation of intercourse (for men at least) vs. the need to not be orgasmic until much later in intercourse. 
  • The shame men feel for failing to hold off long enough can be problematic for their and their partner's sex lives in so many ways 
  • Women and men are both missing out on other ways to have sexual encounters that allow both parties to orgasm when and how they want
  • Women feel they must rely on men for orgasm and don't put the time and work in to give themselves orgasms alone or with a partner
All that to say, I think there is a lot to unpack about the fact that Lady1 and Lady2 both expected Dude to give them orgasms with his never-endingly hard penis in their vaginas. It speaks to so many of the problems and misconceptions surrounding female orgasm I write about in this blog, and it also has so much to say about the failure of masculine and feminine expectations in regard to sexual encounters between men and women. 

The Vulva Rating
Obviously, I'm not a fan of this lady-gasm depiction. It, like so many before and after, is physically unrealistic and reinforces incorrect ideas about how women orgasm. Also like so many other depictions, it's not created out of malice towards the female orgasm or women, but out of laziness and an adherence to the status quo. It's harmful to women, men, sex, and orgasm equality, but it's unintentionally so.

However, this scene also weighs in a bit on the harmfulness of stereotypical ideas of male (particularly black male) sexuality. It doesn't dig deep and doesn't make the connections with female orgasm misconceptions that I find so important, but it at least brings up something we don't always get to see. That makes me feel a little kinder in my rating. 

I give this scene 2 out of 5 vulvas.

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1.19.2019

Inside Amy Schumer S2 Ep4 - The SSL Review



Inside Amy Schumer 
This show makes me laugh, and here's the best part - Amy Schumer tends to bring it when it comes to realism and female sexuality. She brought it in her movie Trainwreck, in The Joe Rogan Podcast, and largely in the other episodes of this show I've SSL Reviewed so far. She has shown a strong willingness to give the clit the glory it deserves, speak some truths about lady sex experiences, rep for actual lady-gasms - all things largely absent in media and also incredibly important to Orgasm Equality. (She could use some schooling and humbling when it comes to speaking about race though - but that's pretty true of a lot of us).



The SSL Reviewable
There is plenty to SSL Review in this show. And for those that don't yet know, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussions or depictions of female orgasm, female masturbation, or the clit. I focus on that and really only that (unless I want to talk about something else). I'm looking mainly at realism and about how the depiction/discussion plays in the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and women's sexuality.

Please, my friends, do enjoy more SSL Reviews for MOVIES and TV SHOWS.

The SSL Review
I'll describe this (kinda murky) SSL Reviewable scene and then discuss it a bit. 

Season 2 Episode 4: Give me the payoff
This scene is in a skit where basically she goes to a hotel and they treat her like an absolute queen from the moment she checks in until she checks out, and then they abruptly treat her like shit.
Technically, this doesn't specifically include discussion of lady-bation, lady-gasms, or the clit, but it mentions getting eaten out, and that kind of encompasses the last 2 in my opinion. Plus, I just have a small beef with it that I want to mention.

The desk clerk asks her during her check in,"Would you like to to be awakened by a kiss on the cheek or a stranger going down on you?"
She answers, "Oh, I don't know...I guess the latter?"

My Comments
Here's the thing though. We see her wake up, and there's no one going down on her. Other magical things happened, so it wouldn't be out of place. It sounds like a great way to wake up, and I just think it would have been enjoyable to see. That's my small beef.

However, I like that 'having a stranger go down on you' was a choice the writers decided to put in. I think it's just a nice way to normalize the idea that women like sexual satisfaction for sexual satisfaction sake. Plus the writers did that using oral sex, which is focused on the clitoral glans, and thus actually quite orgasmic for women, instead of something like intercourse that is traditionally seen as something orgasmic for women, but actually not a sensibly orgasmic act.

Vulva Rating
Even though this is technically not SSL Reviewable, I'm gonna review it anyway because I can and because I respect any piece of media that randomly throws getting-eaten-out-by-a-stranger at us with a positive light, We need all the reminders we can get that women like their clits stimulated by mouths. We are already really clear that dude's like mouths on their penises. We should be just as clear on that about clits - because as people have been bravely reminding us lately, men are getting more oral than ladies, and it's bullshit.

So, it's not super revolutionary, but it's good. I'll give it 4 out of 5 vulvas.

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1.12.2019

If Beale Street Could Talk - The SSL Review



If Beale Street Could Talk
I saw If Beale Street Could Talk at the theater last night. It's a lovely film, beautifully shot, and it is an important piece of cinema in several ways. Unfortunately, it is not a piece of cinema that is progressive when it comes to depicting the female orgasm. It's not going to get a great SSL Review. That's the thing about SSL Reviews, though, they are not always congruous with an overall review of a movie.



An SSL Review is very particular. For those that need a little refresher it's a review specifically of a discussion or depiction of female orgasm, female masturbation, or the clit. I critique the realism of the depiction/discussion and also write about what the depiction/discussion says about and/or adds to our cultural understanding of female sexuality and orgasm. Clearly some movies have no scenes like this and are ineligible for SSL review (just sex with no lady-gasm doesn't count). The ones that are eligible run the gamut. It might be an amazing movie but with a terribly backwards take on lady-gasms or a complete shit movie containing an amazingly progressive clit-focused sexual encounter and lady-gasm. Both types of movies, plus the all good and the all bad movies are out there.

Oh do feel free to see many more movie SSL Reviews HERE and TV SSL Reviews HERE. I rate from 0 to 5 vulvas. Beale Street is for sure not a 5 vulva movie, but at the same time, it could be worse.

The Scene
So, there is technically only 1 eligible SSL scene, but for some contex and some later discussion, I'd like to describe an earlier scene first. **I also want to mention that this movie is still in theaters, and I am not able to go back and get really specific details about dialogue and scene like I normally do with these. My descriptions are from memory and might be a bit off, but I think I have the right feel of everything. Feel free to call me on something though.**

First time - a precursor to the scene 
The main characters are Tish and Fonny, a young couple, and we get to see them have intercourse for the first time. It's the 70's. They are young. It's pretty bare bones sexing. They kiss just a little then start getting naked. He puts on some music, turns off the lights, lays her back, gets on top and under covers, and puts it in. Before he does actually put it in though, he expresses to her that he doesn't want her to be scared, that he would never hurt her, and that she just has to get used to him. We know when he puts it in because Tish has an abrupt intake of air. During this scene we also see Fonny ask Tish to touch him. She had put her hands on either side of her head against the mattress. She is inexperienced and nervous and maybe didn't know what to do with them. After he asks, she puts them on his back. It cuts before there are any orgasms.

When it cuts back, they are finished and laying together, him still on top of her. I'm a little more foggy on the exact details here, but he basically asks her if she likes having sex with him. She is evasive and shy and tells him that he 'just wants to hear her say it.' It's a kind, intimate scene, but she continues to be evasive and never does say that she likes it.

The Scene
Later Tish tells us in voice over that she remembers the exact day their baby was conceived. We go through the day, and at one point we see them making love. Before we cut to it, we hear their breath increasing as if approaching climax. It's a shot from above, showing them from about mid-back up. She is laying flat on her back, and he is on top of her missionary style. He is moving in gentle pumps and she seems largely motionless except for her hands on his back. We see her fingers begin to dig into his back and they both seem to breath out a climax just before they stop and relax into each other.

My SSL Review
So it appears they have simultaneous orgasms. It is a scene about their closeness and their love and the creation of the child she is carrying. It is just the kind idealic, cherished scenario that would house the often desired and ever-elusive simultaneous orgasm, but physically it makes little sense that anyone would be orgasming except Fonny...because he is the one with his organ of sexual pleasure (the penis) fully encompassed and stimulated by a thing (her vagina). He is also controlling his movements and thus controlling how his penis gets stimulated inside her. He has every thing going for him to orgasm.

Tish's organ of sexual pleasure (her clitoral glans), on the other hand, is not necessarily even being touched while Fonny's penis is moving inside her, and if it does happen to be touched from time to time by his pelvic area due to the angle as he's going in and out of her, it's probably only intermittent stimulation. Plus, Tish's body was not moving in a way that showed her controlling how her clit area was being stimulated by his body. She was not grinding against him or anything like that. She, as with all us women who get banged in the vagina with no thought to the clitoral glans stimulation, has very little going for her possibility of orgasm. (Seriously, there is no physical evidence in all of scientific literature that shows an orgasm caused by stimulation inside the vagina alone)

Yet we the audience see her orgasm anyway. We don't see anything physically happening to her that would would realistically cause an orgasm. Yet, she orgasms.

Let that sink in a bit.

Also, let it sink in how very normal of a scene this is.

Then let it further sink in how normal of a scene their first time was too. Although we didn't see the orgasm portion of that sex, one can assume from common sense and their talk afterward that he orgasmsed (because it would seem weird if a man did not during intercourse, right?) and that maybe she did not. At least we can say that she was unsure enough about if she liked it or not to be elusive when he asked about it, and I venture to say if she orgasmed, I doubt she'd be so unsure.

There wasn't really any physical difference between what was happening the first time when she did not seem to orgasm and what was happening that time when she seemed to. Both times he was just pushing his penis in and out of her as her body stayed largely still. Yet, it probably doesn't seem weird her body reacted differently to those 2 sex acts. Women don't orgasm their first time, right? Women's orgasms are finicky. Women have to be in the right mood and mental state to orgasm, correct?

Not correct. Well, I mean, yes, all people have to be in the right mental state to orgasm, but the truth is we use a made up idea that women's orgasms are naturally more finicky as a way to explain away the nonsensical way women's orgasm are depicted. Women orgasm as quickly, easily, and reliably as men do during masturbation. Our bodies are capable of orgasm in the same way male bodies are. Problem is, one of the most common sex acts we do is to ram things into our vaginas.

Female bodies don't orgasm from things ramming into our vaginas, but we all think they are supposed to, and sometimes we pretend consciously or unconsciously that these types of orgasms happen.

That leads to all kinds of confusion about how, why, and when women's orgasms happen. It leads to things like assuming a woman banged the first time won't orgasm but later if she gets banged, and she's used to it, and she loves dude banging her, of course she would orgasm - which is exactly what we see from Tish.

What I'm saying here is that p-in-v sex does not lady-gasms make. The first time sex depicts that reality, but probably only because we as a society have this idea that orgasms don't happen for nervous inexperienced women, and not because it just literally would never realistically cause orgasm for a female. The next depiction of intercourse where she and he seems to orgasm at the same doesn't depict that physical reality and it's unrealistic. It acts to reinforce to audiences an already entrenched, but very wrong assumption that penile-vaginal intercourse is as orgasmic for females as it is for males.

That said, this type of scene is incredibly common. It is the norm. Fucking, with just in-out of the penis into the vagina and no additional clitoral stimulation until both parties come, is how sex is depicted. So, it's not unexpected or negligent. It's just another sad reminder of how incredibly ignorant we are, as a society, about how women actually orgasm, and also how deeply ingrained in us is the feeling that intercourse is as orgasmic for women as it is for men. It's an incredibly problematic cultural feeling that creates expectations our bodies can't deliver on.

This scene sets alongside all the other hundreds of thousands of scenes in TV, movies, and porn that show women acting out orgasms in situations that realistically are orgasmic for men but not for women. They reinforce physically incorrect ideas about what should happen during the ol' in-out, and reinforce the necessity of faking and of doing the mental contorting we women, largely unconsciously, do to make the expectations of how our orgasm should exist in our sexual experiences match with how our bodies actually react to our real-life sexual experiences. We are worse for these lies and contortions -  we women, our partners, and our relationships.

Vulva Rating
So, although this scene is just reflecting the status quo of our sexual culture, it is still true that the sexual status quo is toxic when it comes to the female orgasm, and that this scene contributes to that toxicity. I am going to give this movie a 2 vulva rating because it is overall negative for the future of orgasm equality, but it is not intentionally hurtful or particularly negligent. It's greatest sin is that it did not overachieve in progressiveness and realism related to the female orgasm, and that is really no great sin - only a reminder of how far we have still to go. Also, I'm giving some leniency because, even though the intent was probably off-base, I kind of like that their first time sex scene more accurately depicts from Tish the type ambivalence she might feel about a sex act that wouldn't realistically include an orgasm for her. The

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12.31.2018

New Years Eve 2018



Hello all!

It's the morning of New Years Eve. I'm sitting in my new place in my new city. I have a couple guests visiting me from my old city, but we all got a little drunk last night, so I'm the only one up (no hang-over for me, a little 2018 miracle I guess).

Eds, Ramona (Baby Cat), Tina left to right in the room I'm currently chillin' in

It's been a year, people. I mean, every year has its ups and downs, but this one for me held maybe some of the crappiest feelings of my life. I'm luckily pretty naturally steady and calm with my feelings. I'm not an up and down kinda gal, so some of the feelings I encountered were things I wasn't too familiar with. I guess there is something lovely in the mere act of experiencing new things and new feelings, and I do have some appreciation for that...but I also have an appreciation for feeling my normal.

I think in this post, I'd like to just write a little about the past and future and see what happens.

1 I don't know how many people read my posts. I never have, and I don't understand the site visitor diagnostics nearly as well as I should. I know there are some. One or two of you will reveal yourselves every so often. I love hearing from you - like, I REALLY LOVE hearing from you. It makes my week, but I'll write it even if no one reads it. I kind of think of this blog more as a weird resource that can just exist here in case someone needs to read about every lady-gasm scene in all of the The Americans or something like that. Anyway, to those that read my blog, Hello! I'm very interested in you.

I have been way off my SSL blogging game this year. Honestly, the last couple years have been a struggle. There's been a lot going on. This year though, my new job has turned out to be not nearly as conducive to writing these as my old job. In fact, if I'm on the company internet - even if I'm VPN-ing in from my home, ScienceSexAndTheLadies.blogspot.com is straight up blocked, so I can't even check on it from there. Slightly annoying, but I'm actually getting to a place in my job after about 6 months where I'm starting to feel comfortable in general - like I'm still learning of course, but I feel pretty good about it. So, that in itself will free up some time for me over 2019. I mean, it's one thing to do a job and it's another to do a job and learn it at the same time...one is much less efficient.

I say it often, but I want to do more Journal Article Summaries in 2019. They are my favorite part of this blog, but these mother fuckers take so damn long, though.

I like doing the SSL Reviews too. They can go either way in terms of time and effort, sometimes I just have to describe something and say some obvious shit about it. Sometimes I have to explain a bunch of complicated thoughts and feelings and histories related to a depiction/discussion, and I go down an 8 page rabbit hole that you may or may not have time/energy/interest to read. These will never go away, though. I watch a lot of shit, and I have a never ending list of lady-gasm, lady-bation, and clit depictions/discussions in movies and TV that I have yet to SSL Review. I got hella notes though, and I will get to them one at a time. Also, sometimes I avoid watching something that I know will have tons of SSL Reviewable moments because I don't want to take notes. Also, I have had notes on The To-Do List for going on 6 years now, but I avoid it because there is so damn much to unpack in it. 2019 might be its year.

I've got more Orgasm Interviews coming (pun intended). I'm excited about these, and thank you Anna for being the first. :)

It's been over 15 years since I started researching for my movie. It's been 10 years since I started writing this blog (dude - March 11, 2019 will be the 10 year anniversary. I'll have to do something cool for it). It's been almost 5 years since we finished the movie Science, Sex and the Ladies  (Amazon and Vimeo). I've been covering how people talk about, research, depict, and teach lady-gasms for a good while now, and I have to say, our cultural understanding of it has not budged much over the past decade. There is much work still to be done.

7 Happy New Year to you all wherever you are and whatever you are doing. I know some of you are kick-ass Orgasm Equality Allies out there spreading the good word and making the world a better place for the next generation. Keep that shit up in 2019! The rest of you are either future bad-ass Orgasm Equality Allies, skeptics here to see how wrong as fuck I am for proposing there is no such thing as an orgasm caused by stimulation inside the vagina (I got pretty goddamn solid reasons for saying, it ya'll. I wouldn't be so quick to hate.), random people looking for porn/erotica but ended up at one of my posts (Hello!), or my newish employees googling my name and finding out what their boss writes about on her free time (Hi! We will never speak of this again!). I wish all of you the best in 2019!

Until next year...

12.25.2018

Orgasm Interviews: ANNA Part III (faking, orgasm ed, partner ed, and other stuff)


Orgasm Interviews - my basic intro (can skip if you've already read one of these)
Welcome back to this new series in SSL where a women answers questions about her orgasm, masturbation, and sexual experiences. I'm super excited about this because I think women sharing their orgasm experience with fo-realness is powerful as fuck.

At the same time, I think women speaking about their orgasm experiences before they have grounded understanding of orgasm or before they have learned how to have an honest relationship with their sexual bodies, can be misleading at best to the women they speak to and damaging at worst. To be frank and blunt about what I mean here, let me say it this way; I strongly suspect there are lots of women that lie about their orgasms - about how they happen, when they have them and if they have them. I don't think it's a mean or intentional thing. I don't even think I'd really call it lying most of the time because I don't think it's a conscious lie. It's more about not understanding what an orgasm physiologically is before speaking about it with an undeserved authority. I just think we women are so mislead and confused about our bodies, about the physiology of orgasm, and about how we should obtain, express, and speak about our orgasm that we often twist our understanding of our own experiences to fit into how we think things should be, and then we speak about them from that twisted, non-scientifically based view and other people take it to heart.

I say that all to let you know that I will be hand-picking all the women I ask to take this survey. I am choosing women I believe have a grounded understanding of orgasm, have exhibited what I believe is an honest relationship with their sexual bodies, and have shown they are able and at least somewhat interested in expressing their feelings and experiences. So, these are also women I have already had the chance to speak to about their orgasms. This series, clearly, is no scientific-based investigation, but I still would like to make it clear to all of you that this is the bias with which I am coming at this.

What I ultimately hope is that these women's stories and insights bring comfort or insight to the other women reading this.

ANNA 
This is the 2nd in her 3 part installment.
Find her PART 1 HERE.
Find her PART 2 HERE.
The following is also the description I have in Part 1 and 2, so if you've already read it, you can move onto the questions.

The first brave lady I have chosen for this is Anna. I met her online because she wrote me with some worry and criticism about a post I had written. Her insight, openness, and thoughts intrigued me, and we began a really lovely discussion. She graciously accepted the offer to do this, and put a lot of time and effort into being as honest as possible. In an email asking me what format to send it to me in, she said,
"I've been spending a lot of time on your survey, trying to be as honest and thorough as possible. It brought back memories and helped me put into words some vague thoughts I have had. Maybe I was too thorough: I wrote more than ten pages. I couldn't separate orgasms from sex in general. I kept adding context. The answers didn't seem to make sense otherwise."
This will be the second of 3 post from her survey. She did, much to my happiness, write a lot - more than 1 post's worth. Please read her interview in detail. Anna is an extraordinary woman, I think, and although her orgasmic life might have taken a slightly different route from many of you, there is
soooo much to relate to and a lot to learn from. I asked a few follow-up questions that I will include as well. The ability to ask follow-up questions I think is an important perk to this kind of direct questioning.

4. Faking, Orgasm Education, and Partner Education 
4a. How often do you fake orgasms now and also in your past? Under what circumstance(s) has this happened? 
As far as I recall, I have never faked an orgasm. I have faked enthusiastic participation during intercourse though. It is possible that a partner may have misinterpreted that as me having an orgasm, but I don't think so. I have never said that I came if I didn't (when asked).

4b. Have you ever been confused or incorrect about where your sexual body parts were or how they functioned? If so, please describe what you were wrong about and how you discovered that. Are there still things you are confused about? 
Yes. Even before I started school I had access to children's books with titles like "How My Parents Made Me". With diagrams and photos. I knew all about eggs and sperm and penises and vaginas. How the sperm got to the egg was less clear, but it involved pleasure and being naked in a bed, so I assumed the sperm snaked their way across the sheets into the vagina. I was chocked when we had sexual education in the first grade and it dawned on me that the penis was supposed to go INTO the vagina. How??? I knew babies came out there, but I didn't perceive there was any opening in my own child body. The biology book said that the first intercourse could be painful for the woman. That I could believe!

The diagrams of what women look like weren't very clear, so I got the impression that the urethra was the clitoris and the clitoris was the clitoral hood. The book said that some women liked to masturbate by rubbing their clitoris or their clitoral hood. I just assumed I was in the latter group. I realized my mistake sometime in my early teens, when I took a mirror and looked for myself.

4c. Have you ever been confused about how to orgasm or about whether you were orgasming? Please describe in what ways you were confused and how you later became more clear about it (if you have become more clear about it).
Never.

4d. Have you ever assumed you were orgasming in a particular situation(s) and then later came to realize you may not  have been? Please describe in what situations you thought you were orgasming and how you realized you may not have been. 
Never.

4e. Have you had to 'teach' partners how to help bring you to orgasm? What kinds of things have you needed to teach? How quick did they 'catch on'? How receptive have your partners been to adapting sexual activity to physically make it easier (or possible) for you to orgasm?
This is a big topic. In a way, new partners always have to teach and discover each other's ways to pleasure.

In my experience, men want women to orgasm. I would say that every single partner I have had knew the clitoris exists, and that a gentleman is supposed to stimulate it at some point during sex.

Not all of them knew where it was - those diagrams misled more people than me! None of them knew that it is the ONLY way to female orgasm. (To be fair, I didn't either. I thought it was just me.)

Some partners have thought me a bit odd for insisting on getting clitoral stimulation, but most have tried to give it to me. Most have followed my instructions, more or less successfully. Even the casual ones. Even the one who thought my orgasm was somehow for his benefit and assured me it wasn't necessary. He said it would be really hot if I did, but not to worry, he would be happy either way! (Yes. Really. He thought he was doing me a favor by not requiring me to orgasm. I blame porn.)

Even my second boyfriend wanted to be a good, attentive, creative lover. He was happy to adjust how he did things. He loved seeing me orgasm. Too bad he wasn't willing to NOT do what he wanted, when he wanted to. "Do you want missionary or doggy style? You don't want to have sex at all? Well, I want doggy style, so get on your hands and knees." He actually thought he was compromising, and that I was being selfish and unreasonable for refusing to meet him half way. As for his more "exotic" practices, he was sure I would learn to like them eventually, so no need to stop just because it hadn't happened yet. Hurting me was unfortunate but unavoidable.

And that's just the thing. What I say doesn't really count. Most of my partners have been happy to give me what I want, as they perceive it, but they are humoring me. Maybe I need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, but everybody knows that intercourse is what counts. I'm the exception that proves the rule. My current boyfriend is still convinced that most women can't come unless the man is super skilled and willing to work, and also has rock hard erections for hours - and he has had many, many girlfriends and casual partners through the years. He is unshakably certain that his very first girlfriend (at age 15) used to orgasm as soon as he put it in, with no clitoral stimulation at all. She said she did, and who am I to say she didn't? He was there, I wasn't. All the science in the world is nothing against his deeply held convictions. At the same time he says that he has never had another partner who orgasmed so easily and consistently until he met me, nearly 40 years later. It couldn't possibly be because he was working from a faulty premise. We must both be truly exceptional women! 5.

Additional Information
5a. Does the physical and/or mental aspects of your orgasm vary at all from one instance to another? Please describe. Do you notice patterns about when it feels one way versus another? 
It varies a lot, as I described, but I don't see any obvious patterns except two:
- it's much harder to orgasm when I am on my period, and the orgasms don't feel as good. The need to orgasm doesn't diminish, just my ability.
- the orgasm is usually stronger if I have been refraining for a few days.

5b. Anything else you'd like to say about your relationship to your orgasm over the years? 
I have had so much shame around sex and orgasms. Like I said above, is it really ok for a woman to want sex? To enjoy it for my own pleasure? To be curious about different sexual practices? My experience told me it wasn't. Good girls don't, and I was a very good girl.

I was with my husband for 23 years. I had orgasms practically every time we had sex, but there was no sense of fun after the first few years. Any attempt to mix things up was met with disapproval. We were still happy and had a lot of fun outside the bedroom, even as sex got more and more rare. I would wait until he fell asleep and masturbate without moving or making a sound. I thought this was what life as a mature adult was like.

Our marriage ended badly. My husband had an affair with a much younger woman. It had been going on for years when I found out a few weeks before Christmas 2014. He said he didn't want a divorce, but it turned out he had no intention of ending the affair either. He told me he needed her for sex because I was "too old, too fat and too tall". I believed him, so I left in spring 2015. I was resigned to being alone forever. Despite this, I promised myself that if pigs ever started flying and I had another chance at partnered sex, I would ask for what I wanted, no matter how ashamed I was.

Two months later, to the day, an acquaintance introduced me to my current boyfriend. He was not my type at all! He was a conservative, I'm progressive! He had bought into the trope that feminists are pathetic man-haters, I'm a feminist. I prefer to be at home with my computer, he spends as much time as he can outdoors. He had dated a lot, but lived alone (with his son 50%) since 1994, and I had just gotten free. He stated up front that he was sick of being single and wanted to find someone to grow old with. I made it perfectly clear that I was not interested in a serious relationship, thank you very much. And yet... We talked, and had sex, and talked some more. We kept seeing each other every chance we got.

One night I worked up my courage, hid my face and told him about my fantasies of humiliation and coercion. I whispered that I would like to try some of what was done to me, to reclaim a piece of myself, to see what it was like when it wasn't rape. He said sorry, such things didn't feel right and were a huge turn off for him. I was mortified, but he held me close and said "There is nothing wrong with you. You are not the first woman to ask me, and there was nothing wrong with those women either. People like different things. To each their own, as long as everyone is happy and no one gets hurt." And I could tell he meant it! My mind was blown.

Another night I told him of my shame for wanting too much sex and being too demanding. He actually laughed. "Are you kidding? So what if you want more sex than I do. It doesn't diminish you in any way. You take sex seriously, not like something that just happens. We are both the richer for it." He was right - sex is a hobby for me, a field of study.

My boyfriend's openness gradually unlocked something in me. A lot of my shame dissipated. I no longer feel the need to try my fantasies IRL. I would still like to, if the circumstances were right, but I no longer feel like something is lacking in my sex life.

The one thing I DO need above all else in partnered sex is to feel secure about being attractive to my partner. I'm in reasonably good shape for someone who is nearly fifty, has borne two children and has varied wildly in size. I enjoy dressing up in sexy lingerie etc, but in the back of my mind is always a little voice telling me that I'm pathetic. ("too old, too fat and too tall")

My boyfriend is very enthusiastic about my body, especially when I dress up, but I know his porn features mostly skinny, large-breasted women in their twenties or early thirties. He says that he loves my body, but who I am as a person is more important than what I look like - but it would have been an added bonus if I had looked more like them. He thinks I would have been more attracted to him too, if he were younger and fitter, and he frets about his discrete wrinkles and his slight beer belly. Is he settling for me because he thinks he's too old for someone younger and hotter? He talks scornfully of men his age who try to pick up women half their age. He feels sorry for a couple of his friends who left their wives and are now unhappy with much younger women. Sour grapes? Most of the time none of this bothers me, but these thoughts intrude when I'm feeling low. They make my sexual confidence evaporate.

Maybe that is the key to orgasms in general. Knowledge is necessary, but confidence is also essential. I have complete confidence in my body's ability to orgasm, but not so much in other areas. Without confidence, I feel less desire. Even when I have had partnered sex anyway, it's difficult let go and have an orgasm.

12.17.2018

Orgasm Interviews: ANNA Part II (Intercourse and Non-Intercourse Activities)


Orgasm Interviews - my basic intro (can skip if you've already read one of these)
Welcome back to this new series in SSL where a women answers questions about her orgasm, masturbation, and sexual experiences. I'm super excited about this because I think women sharing their orgasm experience with fo-realness is powerful as fuck.

At the same time, I think women speaking about their orgasm experiences before they have grounded understanding of orgasm or before they have learned how to have an honest relationship with their sexual bodies, can be misleading at best to the women they speak to and damaging at worst. To be frank and blunt about what I mean here, let me say it this way; I strongly suspect there are lots of women that lie about their orgasms - about how they happen, when they have them and if they have them. I don't think it's a mean or intentional thing. I don't even think I'd really call it lying most of the time because I don't think it's a conscious lie. It's more about not understanding what an orgasm physiologically is before speaking about it with an undeserved authority. I just think we women are so mislead and confused about our bodies, about the physiology of orgasm, and about how we should obtain, express, and speak about our orgasm that we often twist our understanding of our own experiences to fit into how we think things should be, and then we speak about them from that twisted, non-scientifically based view and other people take it to heart.

I say that all to let you know that I will be hand-picking all the women I ask to take this survey. I am choosing women I believe have a grounded understanding of orgasm, have exhibited what I believe is an honest relationship with their sexual bodies, and have shown they are able and at least somewhat interested in expressing their feelings and experiences. So, these are also women I have already had the chance to speak to about their orgasms. This series, clearly, is no scientific-based investigation, but I still would like to make it clear to all of you that this is the bias with which I am coming at this.

What I ultimately hope is that these women's stories and insights bring comfort or insight to the other women reading this.

ANNA 
This is the 2nd in her 3 part installment.
Find her PART 1 HERE.
The following is also the description I have in Part 1, so if you've already read it, you can move onto the questions.

The first brave lady I have chosen for this is Anna. I met her online because she wrote me with some worry and criticism about a post I had written. Her insight, openness, and thoughts intrigued me, and we began a really lovely discussion. She graciously accepted the offer to do this, and put a lot of time and effort into being as honest as possible. In an email asking me what format to send it to me in, she said,
"I've been spending a lot of time on your survey, trying to be as honest and thorough as possible. It brought back memories and helped me put into words some vague thoughts I have had. Maybe I was too thorough: I wrote more than ten pages. I couldn't separate orgasms from sex in general. I kept adding context. The answers didn't seem to make sense otherwise."
This will be the second of 3 post from her survey. She did, much to my happiness, write a lot - more than 1 post's worth. Please read her interview in detail. Anna is an extraordinary woman, I think, and although her orgasmic life might have taken a slightly different route from many of you, there is
soooo much to relate to and a lot to learn from. I asked a few follow-up questions that I will include as well. The ability to ask follow-up questions I think is an important perk to this kind of direct questioning.

2. Intercourse 
2a. Describe your relationship to and experience with intercourse. 
Well, for one thing, I thought I would never get a chance to experience it. From middle school and onwards it was made very clear to me how ugly, weird and disgusting I was. Bullying is very damaging.

When I was 17, I met a boy who seemed not only interested but enthusiastic, so I took my (only) chance. We had so much fun! Neither of us had any experience (and also, no internet), so we experimented: "Does this feel good? Harder? Softer? To the left? What about if I do like this instead?" When we tried intercourse I was a bit disappointed that it would not bring me to orgasm but it wasn't that big of a deal. We just tried different ways to include my clit. What worked best was me using my fingers during intercourse. (Too bad all we had in common was sex. It only lasted a couple of months.)

I enjoy intercourse. The pressure inside me can feel really good. I like being close to my partner and seeing his pleasure. Intercourse can bring an extra dimension to my orgasm too, but it doesn't cause orgasms.

2b. If you ever orgasm while having intercourse (either with or without the use of hands, toys or other accessories), please describe exactly what needs to happen to you physically in order to get the stimulation you need to orgasm. If there is more than 1 scenario, describe each. Please be as detailed as you can. 
I'm not sure I understand the question. "What needs to happen to you physically"... Frankly, what needs to happen is that he doesn't get in the way.

I used to orgasm during intercourse most of the time. I would do my usual circular rubbing. He would hold back until I was done, then he would come. I have come from being fingered while he was inside me from behind. It was nice, but it's just as good and also much more reliable if I do it myself.

I have had a few sexual partners: some boyfriends, some more casual. (I haven't counted. Probably more than ten, definitely less than twenty.) With most of them, my finger method worked perfectly. With my current boyfriend it just doesn't. If I put anything between us it doesn't feel as good for either of us, and it doesn't feel as good from behind either. I think it's partly due to anatomical factors but mostly psychological.

My boyfriend so desperately wants it to be good for me that he gets stressed and loses his erection. He is 50+ and has some prostate trouble, but what really derails him is his inner model of how sex SHOULD work. He feels that it's his job to give me orgasms, and that I am somehow being cheated if I have to "help" him. It is better for both of us when he relaxes and lets himself enjoy his own pleasure.

My trusty vibrator doesn't work for me during intercourse. I need it to be positioned very precisely. Intercourse makes it move around too much.

2c. How often would you say you orgasm during intercourse? What are your feelings about that?
It used to be quite often. These days, basically never.
It doesn't matter either way. Intercourse is not all-important. I get orgasms with my boyfriend practically every time we have sex, except when we decide that I won't (as part of play, or because we only have time for one of us - and when that happens, it's usually I who get the orgasm and he who waits)

3. Non-intercourse Partnered Sex 
3a. Have you ever orgasmed during cunnilingus (while being ate out / gone down on / given oral sex)? If so, please describe in detail (as best you can since you aren't in the front row of what's happening down there) what you need to do physically and what needs to physically happen to you in order to orgasm this way. 
I have, but it was a long time ago. The mechanics are the same as when I masturbate: consistent, firm, rhythmical pressure.

Cunnilingus can be nice as part of the build-up phase, but I usually don't orgasm from it. Tongue and lips are not firm enough for more than teasing. Also, I tend to thrash around a lot when I orgasm, so the stimulation tends to vanish when I want it the most.

Most of my partners, current included, seem very enthusiastic, but I sometimes get distracted with worry that he is getting bored or that it tastes bad.

3b. Have you ever orgasmed while a partner was stimulating you with a hand or finger(s)? If so, please describe in detail what you need to do physically and what needs to physically happen to you in order to orgasm this way. 
I have, but mostly I like it as part of the build-up. It's just easier and more reliable if I do the last bit myself.

 3c. Have you ever orgasmed while a partner was stimulating you with a sex aid (a vibrator, dildo, feather - anything like that). If so, please describe in detail what you need to do physically and what needs to physically happen to you in order to orgasm this way.
No. I only got my first toys after I met my current boyfriend. We tried a little bit, but it just works so well when I do it myself.

3d. Have you ever orgasmed while grinding or rubbing against a partner's body? If so, please describe in detail what you need to do physically and what needs to physically happen to you in order to orgasm this way.
No. I have rubbed my vulva on my partner. It feels nice, but it is too indirect to make me orgasm. 

3e. Anything else you'd like to say about these activities in your sex life?
My boyfriend and I discovered the perfect way to make me orgasm. I lie on my stomach and hold my little vibrator on my clit in the same way as when I masturbate. My boyfriend lies beside me and pushes rhythmically and firmly with his thumb on the alleged g-spot area, and when I say firmly I mean as in "Are you sure I'm not hurting you? Are you really certain? I can't believe I'm not hurting you." I get an orgasm every time, and it's usually more powerful than anything I can get on my own.

3e Follow-up Questions 1 and 2 (answered together) 1. Did your orgasms that happened while there was pressure on your G-spot ever include any kind of ejaculation or 'squirting' or anything like that? 2. Have you ever experienced ejaculation or 'squirting'? If so, please explain the situations in detail. 
It has happened but I haven't really thought much about it. I don't know how often it happens. Sometimes everything gets really wet when I orgasm, but it's hard to tell if it's from ejaculating or just a lot of vaginal lubrication if no one sees it happen. I have been told that it looks like a little orgasm fountain. Partners tend to think it's a big deal, like a mark of their excellence as lovers. Maybe they have a point: every time I've been told about has been with g-spot pressure, and the orgasms have been significantly more powerful than average. (I wish everybody knew that vaginal lubrication is a bad indicator of how turned on you are.)

Follow-up to the Follow-up: So, you are saying that you have been told that it looks like a 'little orgasm fountain' when you orgasm. However, the only times you've been told that are when you have received the strong g-spot stimulation along with the clitoral stimulation. Is that correct? Also, is it correct that you haven't been told about a 'little orgasm fountain' or any other squirting/ejaculation during orgasms that did not include G-spot stimulation? Otherwise, you have noticed being very wet after an orgasm, but that could very well be vaginal lubrication - is that correct?
No partner has mentioned a fountain when there has been no pressure.

I just realized something: when I masturbate with a toy in my vagina I get some pressure, and occasionally there is a lot more wetness than usual after I orgasm. It is more water-like, not as slippery. It smells sweet, not like either urine or vaginal fluid. I always thought this was due to the toy stimulating extra lubrication, but maybe there has been an ejaculation? I really don't know. I never thought much about it before you asked.


3e Follow-up Questions 3: Also, can you explain in any more detail how your orgasms with lots of G-spot pressure differed from your orgasms without g-spot pressure?
This is a difficult question. There is a big difference, but how to describe it? The pressure orgasm is more full, more nuanced. My whole body is more involved. If it's a strong one I tend to scream out loud and my back and legs spasm. The first few times with my boyfriend's special technique he thought he had seriously injured me, for sure. Now we just have to be careful to shut the windows and scream into a pillow. I can force myself to be silent and still, but when I do it takes so much effort I can't fully enjoy the orgasm.

Orgasms without pressure are sharper and thinner. My body cramps rather than spasms. I don't make much noise either. This makes it sound like orgasms without pressure are inferior, and they kind of are, but also not. Chocolate analogy: quality is better than cheap, but sometimes the cheap stuff is what you crave. Music analogy: some music is complex and rewards the listener for making the effort, and some music is less complex but just as enjoyable in other ways.

If I'm without pressure and get stuck on the build-up plateau, pressure usually pushes me into the orgasm.

12.09.2018

Orgasm Interviews: ANNA Part I (Masturbation)



Orgasm Interviews - intro to a new series
I'm happy to say that I'm finally getting to this new series I've been wanting to do here on SSL where a women answers questions about her orgasm, masturbation, and sexual experiences. I'm super excited about this because I think women sharing their orgasm experience with fo-realness is powerful as fuck.

At the same time, I think women speaking about their orgasm experiences before they have grounded understanding of orgasm or before they have learned how to have an honest relationship with their sexual bodies, can be misleading at best to the women they speak to and damaging at worst. To be frank and blunt about what I mean here, let me say it this way; I strongly suspect there are lots of women that lie about their orgasms - about how they happen, when they have them and if they have them. I don't think it's a mean or intentional thing. I don't even think I'd really call it lying most of the time because I don't think it's a conscious lie. It's more about not understanding what an orgasm physiologically is before speaking about it with an undeserved authority. I just think we women are so mislead and confused about our bodies, about the physiology of orgasm, and about how we should obtain, express, and speak about our orgasm that we often twist our understanding of our own experiences to fit into how we think things should be, and then we speak about them from that twisted, non-scientifically based view and other people take it to heart.

I say that all to let you know that I will be hand-picking all the women I ask to take this survey. I am choosing women I believe have a grounded understanding of orgasm and have exhibited what I believe is an honest relationship with their sexual bodies. So, these are women I have already had the chance to speak to about their orgasms. This series, clearly, is no scientific-based investigation, but I still would like to make it clear to all of you that this is the bias with which I am coming at this.

What I ultimately hope is that these women's stories and insights bring comfort or insight to the other women reading this.

ANNA
The first brave lady I have chosen for this is Anna. I met her online because she wrote me with some worry and criticism about a post I had written. Her insight, openness, and thoughts intrigued me, and we began a really lovely discussion. She graciously accepted the offer to do this, and put a lot of time and effort into being as honest as possible. In an email asking me what format to send it to me in, she said,
"I've been spending a lot of time on your survey, trying to be as honest and thorough as possible. It brought back memories and helped me put into words some vague thoughts I have had. Maybe I was too thorough: I wrote more than ten pages. I couldn't separate orgasms from sex in general. I kept adding context. The answers didn't seem to make sense otherwise."
This will be the first of 3 post from her survey. She did, much to my happiness, write a lot - more than 1 post's worth. Please read her interview in detail. Anna is an extraordinary woman, I think, and although her orgasmic life might have taken a slightly different route from many of you, there is soooo much to relate to and a lot to learn from. I asked a few follow-up questions that I will include as well. The ability to ask follow-up questions I think is an important perk to this kind of direct questioning.

Anna's Summary
Read the whole thing in detail - because that's where the real beauty is, but here's a quick orgasm-based summary that I will be doing for each women I interview. It's merely a quick and dirty orgasm history that highlights some things I see as particularly unique or interesting or relate-able in the interviewees story. Hopefully I'll eventually have tons of these, and this summary can be used as a simple reference.

Anna is woman that has had a relationship with her orgasm through masturbation since young childhood. She, I think, is somewhat unique in that she immediately brought that relationship into her sexual partnerships through her own finger manipulation to her clitoral glans - in both healthy sexual encounters and even in a sexual relationship that often lacked consent. 

Like many of us, she had times where she thought she was unique in her need for clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and she had partners that humored her need for it or found it odd, but it seems to me Anna has always held a level of sexual confidence that helped her along her sexual journey - always growing, healing, adjusting, and finding pleasure. 

Oral sex and grinding herself against a body are not great ways for her to induce orgasm, and her partner's fingers on her clit do work sometimes, but it's not as reliable. Only in the last few years has she discovered vibrators, but she very much enjoys them now. Intercourse alone has never caused orgasm for her, but she has often come during intercourse with the addition of her own finger stimulation to her clit. 

She also has discovered in the past few years that her partner adding very, very strong pressure to her 'g-spot' (lower, towards-the-belly area of the vagina where the urethra and 'female-prostate' can be pressed on through the vaginal wall) while she fingers her clit has given her orgasms a different dimension that she very much enjoys. This may possibly cause some ejaculation from her urethra - although it's hard to know exactly what's going on down there while she's orgasming and is only going from what her partners say they've witnessed.

Anna - I love you for putting yourself out there in this way. I appreciate you more than you know. These answers are Anna's word for word. If anyone out there has questions for Anna - feel free to comment or write me at trisha att ancmovies dott com, and I will get them to her.

Enjoy section 1 on masturbation.

1. Masturbation 
1a. How/when did you first begin to masturbate? 
I honestly don't know. I have a memory of sitting in the living room sofa, watching children's TV and playing with my "front butt"*, but that definitely wasn't the first time. I think I was panting and moaning. My dad got annoyed and said "Don't do that here!", which I interpreted as "Only do that when no one sees or hears you." I was 3 or 4 years old, and from then on I was very quiet and discreet.

Like many autists I have a hard time falling asleep. Even as a small child I would lie awake for ages. It was extremely boring and masturbation helped pass the time.

(*We actually used that description. There was no non-medical or non-sexualized word when I grew up. In 2000, when I was 30 and expecting my first child, there was a big feminist discussion in mainstream media about how damaging this was. Some new, made-up words were suggested and one of them caught on. Now little Swedish cis boys have a "snopp" and little Swedish cis girls have a "snippa".)

1b. How often do you orgasm during masturbation? 
I'm not sure I understand the question - as many times as I feel like? Usually one, sometimes two, occasionally more (up to 6, I think). Until I feel done? It has happened that I wanted more but my clit was too desensitized, but that's really rare - less than once every couple of years.

Or do you mean if I orgasm when I masturbate? In that case, practically every time. Sometimes it takes a bit longer, but only very rarely does the orgasm not come. Less than once a year.

1c. Describe in detail how you physically stimulate yourself to orgasm (if you do it in more than one way please describe each). How is your body positioned? Your legs and hips? Where do you stimulate and what types of movements do you use? 
This has varied over time. For most of my life I would lie on my back, legs pressed together, as straight and tense as possible, and rub my clitoris in a circular movement with my right index finger. Sometimes I would turn over and do the same thing. In my teens I discovered that it changed the sensation if I put two fingers in my vagina and pressed firmly and rhythmically (in what I now know is the supposed g-spot area) at the same time as I rubbed my clit, so sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I would start with my legs relaxed, but I always finished with maximum tension in my whole body.

My outer labia are quite large and I need direct stimulation, so just grinding on something feels nice but it's not enough to get me off.

I have also tried using a shower head a couple of times. It felt amazing, but I always felt so guilty afterwards, wasting all that water :D

Three years ago I bought my first sex toy. What a game changer! It took a bit of trial and error, with some expensive mistakes, but now I have a small set of toys that I love. My absolute favorite is a powerful rechargeable lipstick vibrator (a Wevibe Tango 2). I now lie on my back with my knees apart and the soles of my feet together. I spread my outer labia with my left index and middle fingers and hold the vibrator in my right hand, the flat bit at the top near my clitoris. I just touch and pull back, touch and pull back, with the touching part getting longer and firmer until I climax.

Every once in a while I put a glass toy in my vagina and/or use a glass butt plug, but only when I'm making it more of an event, so to speak. (It's like food: most meals I make are nice, but when the mood strikes, it's fun to make an effort and cook something more elaborate.)

1d. Tell us about your orgasms during masturbation. How would you describe the physical sensations of right before, during, and after orgasm? If you notice variety in your orgasms during different masturbation sessions, how would you describe that variety? 
It varies A LOT, both in sensation and intensity. The basic pattern is always that the tension builds in my pelvic muscles but also in my whole body. It can be fun to try and force myself to relax, but it never works :). Then there is sort of a plateau, then it builds just a little bit more and it's like the tension cascades through my whole body. My vagina contracts rhythmically, my legs twitch, my stomach muscles seize so my upper body lifts from the bed. Sometimes this passes quickly, sometimes it goes on for a long time. Occasionally I have to stop stimulating my clit because the pleasure is so intense it overwhelms me, but usually I keep stimulating until all the pleasure and tension has ebbed away and then a few more seconds. Sometimes, if I want more, I just continue and start the process over.

Sometimes the build-up takes longer, sometimes it's plateau time almost immediately. Sometimes the plateau is so long I almost think the orgasm is not going to happen, but then it does. Sometimes there is hardly any plateau at all. Sometimes I have to really concentrate and "push", sometimes I can mentally relax and let it just happen. Sometimes I think I'm strolling predictably along the plateau when SURPRISE!! Orgasm attack!!!!

The contractions can be really, really strong, or soft and gentle, or in-between. There can be many, fast or just a few. Qualitatively, the pleasure can be anywhere from sharp and demanding to sweet and soft. The intensity of the pleasure also varies. I know this sounds strange. How can something be intensely soft? Or sharp, but not in an intense way? It has to do with how much of my awareness the orgasm takes - how much else is going on in my mind at the same time. Sometimes I feel a bit removed from the experience. I can't explain it any better.

Usually strong contractions give strong pleasure, but it has happened that strong contractions come with less than average pleasure, or that mild contractions give intense pleasure. There is some correlation, but it's not straight forward.

It has happened a handful of times in my life that the orgasm is nearly finished and I'm starting to relax, but then it just starts again, as hard or even harder than before. It's like two distinct climaxes with no build-up between. Occasionally I go through all the phases and get the contractions, but no pleasure. This is so annoying! My body is done, even though I'm definitely not satisfied. There is nothing I can do. Fortunately this is rare - maybe once or twice per year.

1e. Do you use erotica, pornography, or do you fantasize during (please describe the type if you feel comfortable)? 
All of the above, but most of the time I use only my imagination.

This is a sensitive topic for me, and I think for most women. Sweden is ranked as one of the most gender equal countries in the world, but that doesn't really mean very much when most of the world is so very sexist. I grew up in the seventies. I was told that women are as good and valuable as men, but all around me I could see for myself that women were seen as lesser. The adults talked about equality, but I could see that the boys got preferential treatment everywhere, even in pre-school. It was gaslighting on a societal level.

The overt message around me was that sex is beautiful and healthy, and both men and women should enjoy it. Between the lines I could read that sex was dirty, dangerous and shameful for women. It was both pleasurable and necessary for men, so women had to grin and bear it, even though the best we could hope for was a man who was gentle and considerate. I truly believed all this. Even as a pre-teen my fantasies had vague elements of humiliation and coercion.

I was 17 when I met my second boyfriend. This was long before the internet. He was into things I had never even heard of, but not so much into consent. Women are conditioned to disregard our discomfort, and autistic women even more so. "Trimming your finger nails can't possibly be painful so stop crying and hold still" is not so different from "anal is perfectly normal so stop crying and hold still" - they both mean "your experience not valid and you have no right to refuse". He refused to let me break up with him. It took a couple of years before I even realized that what he did was rape, which unlike manicures is illegal. Eventually I went to the police. Surprise! 15 months in prison and a restraining order. I haven't heard from him since I left the court room. (this was an extremely abridged retelling)

The irony is that I could probably have enjoyed some of what he wanted if he had given me time to get used to the concepts, and if I had felt safe with him (and if we had known how to do it safely - remember, no internet). I don't know. I have never had the opportunity to try. My fantasies nearly always involve some kind of domination but no violence. There's often anal sex, but unlike my real life experience there is lube! It's never painful, only involuntary. The coercion means I'm not responsible for wanting these awful, humiliating things, and so I am free to enjoy them. Being powerless is really hot in my imagination (where I hold all the power).

I used to feel a lot of shame and guilt about my fantasies. What kind of hypocrite feminist was I, anyway? Did they mean that my ex didn't really rape me? I had orgasms even with him. Was he was right when he said that meant I was actually consenting even when I begged him to stop? Only in the last few years have I come to understand that the fantasies are part of how I process my life experiences and reconcile being a heterosexual woman in a deeply sexist world.

I like to read erotica, but it's hard to find books without damaging tropes. One of my favorite erotica authors is Jenny Trout. She was hilariously eviscerating "Fifty Shades of Grey" in her blog but eventually got so disgusted she decided to write her own novel about a young woman falling in love with a dominant billionaire. I'll just say the similarities end there.

I don't use porn much (most of it is just too depressing), but when I do I look for amateur couples who seem like they are both enjoying themselves. Any hint of non-consent kills it. I once saw a clip with a middle aged couple. She was on her back, blindfolded, gagged and tied up in a contorted pose. The man spanked her and then had rough anal sex with her. It looked just awful, except they both seemed really enthusiastic. As soon as she showed any sign of lessened enthusiasm he altered his angle, applied more lube, etc until she seemed enthusiastic again. Then she made a tiny hand gesture, and without breaking his stride he put a vibrator on the appropriate area until she was shaking and writhing with orgasm. The man didn't orgasm, but he looked so happy. It was hot, dirty and sweet all at the same time.

*****Part 2 is HERE. Part 3 is HERE!!!*****

11.29.2018

5 Movies With Rich Folk #DirectedByWomen



I started doing this categorized List of 5 movies thing where I showcase movies that were directed by women and that I have actually seen. It all started during the Directed By Women Worldwide Viewing Party in September 2015, and it was pretty fun, so I've continued doing it from time to time.

It's a bit off-topic from my normal fare, ya know, being that it's not specifically about lady-gasms or anything like that, but I think it fits the blog because
1. this blog is also about indie movie-making, and
2. this blog is partially about getting the female perspective of sexuality into our media. So, to me, supporting female voices in our media  means we're creating more room for female voices to speak on all types of things, which sometimes will be sex, orgasms, and sexuality.

You can find all my 5-movie lists HERE.

The movies in this list all include rich characters doing the things rick folk be doin'.  Not everybody in these movies are rich, and it doesn't always revolve around them being rich, but they are. It's classic, right? People in movies are always rich and drinking wine with dinner and wearing nice shit in beautiful homes. Well, here's a list of 5 movies directed by women that got these rich bitches in 'em.

Please do get some caviar a bold wine, and choose one of these lady-directed movies.

1 Orlando is directed Sally Potter. I read something about this. I can’t remember where, and rented it on amazon this past summer. I kinda wanna watch it again. It’s a lot to take in. I’ve never read the book it was based on, but I hear it’s screen written to have the same feel, but not exactly the same plot. I appreciate that in a book-to-movie story that, and I thought this movie was pretty bad ass. Recommended for those that like a little bit of slow and weird in their movies.




2 Ride is directed by Helen Hunt. She wrote it too. I just kinda checked this out last summer on some streaming media source. I got though it, but honestly, it was not my fave movie, and Helen Hunt’s character was rich in the most obnoxious way, but ya know, maybe you’ll be into it.



3 Prince of Tides was directed by Barbra Streisand. I remember this movie being very big at a point in time where I was too young to watch it. I don’t know what I thought this was, but I feel like my expectation for this movie was mixed in with my understanding of what the Fisher King was supposed to be like. Anyway, I was kinda off base, but I ended up liking this movie. It seems like a very classic, well-done movie to me, and it’s like almost 30 years old and it held up enough. And of course, there’s definitely rich folk in it doing rich folk things.





4 Somewhere was directed by Sofia Coppola. It’s a about a movie star, so clearly lots of rich nonsense happening. Anyway, I saw this several years ago - probably closer to when it came out in 2010 on DVD. I can’t remember exactly what it was about, but I know we watched it because we like Coppola’s other work. I liked this one, but I don’t recall it as one of my faves from her. It might be a good one to watch again.




5 You’ve Got Mail was directed by Nora Ephron. I know I saw this back in the day closer to when it came out, but I also randomly saw it twice recently, both in hotel rooms. I mean, I guess i saw pieces of it recently. I love a romcom, but I’m not a huge fan of Meg Ryan, so this isn’t really my cup of meat. It’s hardcore formula. I mean those two romantic leads hate each other so much that they might as well just fuck and get it over with already, amiright??? Anyway, it’s a movie, and might watch it a little if it’s on.

11.18.2018

Inside Amy Schumer - S2 Ep1



Inside Amy Schumer 
This show makes me laugh, and here's the best part - Amy Schumer tends to bring it when it comes to realism and female sexuality. She brought it in her movie Trainwreck, in The Joe Rogan Podcast, and largely in the other episodes of this show I've SSL Reviewed so far. She has shown a strong willingness to give the clit the glory it deserves, speak some truths about lady sex experiences, rep for actual lady-gasms - all things largely absent in media and also incredibly important to Orgasm Equality. (She could use some schooling and humbling when it comes to speaking about race though - but that's pretty true of a lot of us).



The SSL Reviewable
There is plenty to SSL Review in this show. And for those that don't yet know, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussions or depictions of female orgasm, female masturbation, or the clit. I focus on that and really only that (unless I want to talk about something else). I'm looking mainly at realism and about how the depiction/discussion plays in the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and women's sexuality.

Please, my friends, do enjoy more SSL Reviews for MOVIES and TV SHOWS.

The SSL Review

Season 2 Episode 1: A Car Accident
The end of almost all Inside Amy Schumer shows is her doing a piece of her stand-up to a small crowd. That's where we are for this first SSL Review.

She's telling the crowd that she's jealous of how dudes get to come. It seems fun...and not just because they get to spread their funfetti around. She pantomimes dude spreading their cum around like Oprah giving away free cars. No, it's because they're so ridiculously tired, satisfied, and disoriented after - like they were just in a car accident or something.

Then she ends with, "We're not like that. I need more recovery time after a sneeze than an orgasm." 

My Comments
First off, I just want to mention that clearly her saying this is funnier than reading my description of her saying it. That's a given. Well... I guess I can think of one incident where hearing a detailed description of a thing was way better than the thing itself - and that was when Tosh.0 gave a 25 minute detailed explanation of the movie Human Centipede. I can only find abridged versions of this now, but if you find the full version, I recommend that over the actual movie.

Anyway, Amy's saying this. She's got gestures and an attitude, and it works for humor. I like the visual of calling dudes ejaculating 'spreading their funfetti.' It's good for a laugh. However, I think if you get to the kernel of this bit, it doesn't hold up for me as the kind of humor-through-hard-truth-telling that really excites me about some of Amy's lady-related sex comedy. She's basically coming at this from - 'dudes get all tired/satisfied after an orgasm and women don't.' To me that kernel doesn't feel necessarily true. I mean I feel like a good orgasm can make a lady just wanna flop down and lay there for a while, ya know. 

Also...it's kind of a tired, not-that-perceptive premise for talking about differences  between men and women during sex. I feel like I've heard it a lot. I remember a bit I saw some comic do a while ago...I feel like it was Chris Rock, but I'm not sure...about how men fall asleep after an orgasm and women get more activated and start bouncing off walls and shit. Louis C.K. also did a bit where he basically said that men go to sleep and women don't after sex because men actually came and women didn't. I mean he actually never used the word come, he instead speaks about it in terms of women not being 'fucked well' enough to satisfy them - which is of course problematic because 'fucking' a woman is not what she needs anyway. Vag-banging ain't gonna get her there. A lady actually needs clit stimulation to come, and C.K. completely misses that point. However, his basic premise that women don't get all drowsy and shit after sex like men do because they are actually not physically satiated  (i.e. they didn't actually come) is not wrong. And, it seems to me a bit more in the humor-through-hard-truth-telling realm than Amy's kind of generic dudes-get-all-tired-satisfied-after-an-orgasm-and-women-don't-and-I'm-jealous thing.  

All that to say, I feel like Amy's whole joke here was funny on the surface, and thus not unsuccessful, but also it was kinda stale in that it played on old stereotypes about female sexuality without criticizing or more deeply examining those. I mean, it seems to me that it's worth considering that if a woman isn't as tired-disoriented after her 'orgasm' as her male partner is, then maybe she didn't actually orgasm. Maybe she just faked it or had intercourse (a thing people still very wrongly use interchangeably with 'had an orgasm') and just didn't come. Like, maybe there's a stereotype of women not acting satiated after sex or "having an orgasm" because lots of times ladies literally are not satiated. They didn't come and their male partner did...maybe that's why they seem to act different after. I feel like Amy missed her opportunity to dig into that. And by not digging into that, in essence she reiterated the pretty incorrect idea that women's orgasms are somehow intrinsically different than men's, and completely ignored what I think would be a pretty humor-through-hard-truth-telling avenue of pointing out why that stereotype exists in the first place.

But that's just, like, my opinion, man. Humor is a tricky thing, and I'm being picky. Picky because I respect her comedic work generally on these topics, so really it's just a loving critique to a person who in general does a fab-ass job with this kind of shit. And that's what SSL Reviews are about anyway - being uber-critical...because someone has to be.

The Vulva Rating
So, there is nothing revolutionary or progressive about Amy's joke. In fact it kind of bolstered the idea that women and men are naturally, physically different when it comes to orgasms. At the same time, it's also just neutral. It plays off a tired old stereotype, yet doesn't really make it any worse with extra inaccuracies or anything. It just doesn't question and dissect the stereotype, which does inadvertently reiterate it, but also....what I'm asking is a lot to ask someone to do every time she speaks of lady sex stuff. She does it well most of the time, and I'm heavily appreciative.

So, I'm going to stick to a very neutral 3 out of 5 vulva rating for this episode.

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