Better Sex Scene Ideas

This is just a quick post with a short list of things I would love to see in a movie...things about lady-gasms and clits...things that are realistic.

Are we not, my friends, sick of seeing movies/tv with a lady-dude couple busting through the front door after a date, kissing, desperately grabbing each other until she's pressed up against a wall or picked up and thrown on a bed, her skirt pulled up...and then he intercourses on her with his dick in her vag-hole, moving it in and out and in and out and in and out for a few moments until they both vocally show us they've clearly orgasmed.

I mean, I get it. It looks hot, but it's bull-motha-fuckin-shit. Never in all of scientific literature has there been a physically documented orgasm caused by stimulation inside the vagina. That's true. People will act and even say it's not true, but that's just because we have a fucked up, twisted, shit-for-lady-gasm culture that refuses to acknowledge intercourse isn't how females orgasm any more than anal intercourse is how males orgasm. Find me a piece of scientific literature with physical verification for vaginally stimulated orgasms, and I'll be happy to reverse course. Seriously, find one. Also, even if you don't believe me, you can surely agree that orgasming from intercourse is not common among women. In pretty much every survey ever taken, the majority of women* say they cannot orgasm from intercourse alone. So, even if you can't get fully on board, I hope you can at least see there's something strange in the fact that so much of our media depicts women orgasming from in-out boning even though that is a relatively rare occurrence at best. Why you gotta play us ladies like that, society in general?

Clit stimulation is how women orgasm just like penis stimulation is how men orgasm.  It's not a hard concept. It's just that no one wants to believe it, and our culture doesn't reflect that truth. That's why we are always seeing women getting rammed into ecstatic orgasm in our TV and movies...and porn...and romance novels...all that shit. It's a big gross cycle where we want to believe women can get banged to orgasm (because it's easy and convenient to just come during whatever makes a male come, right?) and all those characters in our media can come easily from a good bone, so it just reinforces that intercourse is how we should orgasm...and that maybe we can???....maybe we are???...maybe if we can't we're broken????

Anyway, if we are ever going to break this cycle of thinking women should be coming in a way that is very not conducive to female orgasm, we need to start depicting it more realistically. Here's a few ideas to help our media makers get on the right track.

  • For god's sake, just show a reach-around. I've seen it multiple times in depictions of male-on-male sex. They get it. They know the penis needs love for orgasm to happen. Show all the banging against a wall you want, but just let us see that arm lengthening out to her pelvis. It's a small thing. It can be done.
  • If you wanna get real wild and freak out ALL the squares, just let a lady rub her own junk. She can do her own reach around. In fact give her a vibrator...but don't make the dude be all weird about as if the vibrator is taking his place or something (I'm talking to you creators of Love the TV show).
  • You know what, get really wild and show us a threesome with one dude fucking the lady and the other eating her out with his mouth right on her clit (and daaaaaangerously close to another dude's dick). A lady could come like that, I tell ya.
  • Or, let's keep it a bit more wholesome, and lighten up on all the dirty fornication altogether. Let's see a pair of teen lovers doing what red-blooded American teen lovers should be doing - mutually masturbating their own clit and/or penis to orgasm. It's pregnancy free and disease free, and downright tasteful compared to a threesome.
  • Here's another idea. No biggie. How about we put Taye Diggs in How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Chris Hemsworth as Thor, Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise, D'Angelo in the How Does It Feel video,  Channing Tatum's body dancing to Pony, and peak Zac Efron in a big naked, writhing, hard pile of man, next to a watching lady, getting fanned by hot yet unknown male models and being fed Ben and Jerry's Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz ice cream while she leisurely masturbates. That could be a scene. I'm not saying I could be that actress, but I could be that actress. 

Enjoy D'Angelo.

*The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Study of Evolution by Elisabeth Lloyd is an impeccably researched book that begins with compiling loads of studies about women's ability to orgasm through intercourse. It's the best overall resource I could suggest on the topic.


Sex And The City S1 E3-7: A Retro SSL Review

My new little segment is back for a another round (Here's the others). It's a modified, lazy version of an SSL Review. It's just me transcribing my notes, page by page, on all of the Sex and the City episodes. I watched them all - not necessarily in order - during 2007 and 2008, and I took notes on the depiction/discussion of female orgasm and female masturbation. It was my early attempt at this type of lady-gasm review stuff. Anyway, I never actually created reviews from these notes, but since they exist, I'd like to get them out there on the interwebs before they get burned in a house fire or something...thus this series.

Ramona and my SATC Notes

Anyway, the fun of this will be that I will transcribe these as word for word as I can while still trying to make it be a sensible read. I'll post a pick of the notes for your reference. I'll do one or more episodes at a time - from the beginning of the notebook to the end. I may add notes for clarification or add my SSL-Review-style comments.

Hopefully the notes I took privately 10 years ago won't make me look like a dumb asshole. I will add them in the TV SSL Review Master List  (of course you are also welcome to check out the Movie SSL Review Master List as well). Here we go.

Sex and the City Season 1 Episodes 3 - 7

Season 1 Ep 3

Season 1 Ep 4 
-Sam talking about all the positions - she got fucked in - they were obviously totally orgasmic for her.
-Sam tells Charlotte back door with the right guy and right lubricant is wonderful
-Carrie gets off top of him and says it was great then V.O. says "then when I thought it couldn't get any better, he spooned me." {in the margin next to this I wrote: intercourse was good but cuddling is better}

Season 1 Ep 5
- Woman tells Carrie her man has tiny penis but knows just how to use it
-Sam says: money is power, sex is power - just an exchange of power
- Miranda says, 'don't listen to the dime store Camille Paglia'
-sex for money - Carrie said would bring down her morals

Season 1 Ep 6

Season 1 Ep 7
-Charlotte doesn't like to give head
-oral sex  - Miranda said oral sex is god's gift to women - but then Sam said cock-sucking is power --- so confused 2 types of oral sex
-Then Miranda and Sam both said they only give oral sex to get it.

My Thoughts
I must have been tired or bored when I was watching these because they are even less clear about what was happening in the episodes than normal. Also, though, there wasn't really anything in these episodes that I consider SSL Reviewable these days. There was technically no discussion or depiction of female orgasm, female masturbation, or the clit. It's more just female sexuality related comments that are not eligible for review that I wrote down.

At the time I was taking notes for these, though, I was still writing the movie and I wasn't quite as focused in my point of view as I am now. Plus, I was just writing down things that were kinda interesting to me - like Miranda calling Samantha a dime store Camille Paglia. I kinda liked that because I had recently learned about and read some Camille Paglia and her sort of patriarchy infused brand of feminism.

I thought it a good burn by Miranda. I thought, and still do, that the archetype that the Samantha character inhabits of an uber sexual woman, but specifically ubersexual in the way that is incredibly pleasing and deeply in line with male orgasm, desire, and fantasy is, well, not that progressive, and also straight up fraudulent in its depiction of what actually is physically orgasmic to women. I mean, how many times in this show does Samantha get her brains fucked out (i.e. getting her vaginal canal stimulated by a ramming penis) and orgasms without ever even having anything close to stimulation on her clitoral glans area? A lot -that's how many, and it's BS. That's simply not a sensible or realistic way to depict women coming.

Even though it is depicted like that all the time, it's still BS, and Samantha is, as Miranda insinuated, a sort of hallow, patriarchy infused, brand of sexual feminism. Her character is aligned less to actual reality of the female body/sexuality/orgasm, and more to pretending that sexiness and the acts of exuberantly engaging in penis-focused sex cause orgasm in females. This archetype that Samantha inhabits is no a progressive, sexually liberated woman. That idea of her is largely false, and the uber sexual Samantha archetype, that talks above about how great and presumably orgasmic all the different intercourse positions she's done are, is just a trick that we ladies are always falling for.

I do, however, like Miranda talking about how lovely oral sex is. I mean, that's a mouth on the clit, and that actually could be(and often is, amiright?) orgasmic for a women, and I'll also give Samantha some props for enjoying it enough to admit she only gives in order to get that sweet, sweet, oral. Samantha get's it right sometimes.



Superstar - The SSL Review

Okay - I'm just going to admit that my posting-every-3-to-4-days schedule that I had kept the last couple years is not something I'm gonna keep up with at the moment. I'll get back there, but I'm just going to be completely honest and say I'm going for a once a week situation for a while until things with my move and new job and all the stuff that goes with that get more settled.

So that's that. Now, I'm here to write a post, and that post is an SSL Review of none other than Superstar starring Molly Shannon as Mary Katherine Gallagher. I was staying at my sister's house last night while we were on a quick visit back to Indy. After much too long of searching through streaming media services (because that shit always takes way too goddamn long), we settled on watching this classic, and I might even say actually quite funny, 90's SNL flick. My teen niblings (this is a real word for nieces and nephews - look it up)  hadn't seen it before or hadn't even ever seen Mary Katherine Gallagher smell the sweat under her own armpits. They liked it too.

Seriously, I remember thinking this movie was pretty hilarious back in the day, and although it had largely horrible reviews, I say fuck those reviews - I was pleasantly surprised at how dumb and funny I still found it. It's a solid watch, and -bonus- there was one tiny little line in it that made it SSL Reviewable, so all the better for me.

An SSL Review, for those that need a little refresher is a review specifically of any discussion or depiction of female orgasm, female masturbation, or the clit. I critique the realism of the depiction/discussion and also write about what the depiction/discussion says about our cultural understanding of female sexuality and orgasm as well as what the depiction/discussion adds to our cultural knowledge on those subjects. I try my best to just stick specifically to those SSL Reviewable moments and often don't talk much about the quality of the rest of the movie...unless I want to talk about it. See all the other movie SSL Reviews HERE and the TV SSL Reviews HERE.

The line was small, but I thought a telling one and worth a review. Enjoy.

Buttons, Holes, and Poles: the line in question
It's not easy to explain exactly what was going on in the plot, but here's a quick summary to get you into the feel of the movie. The Catholic high school that Mary Katherine Gallagher attends is hosting a "Let's Fight Venereal Disease Talent Contest" sponsored by a Catholic magazine, and the top prize is a chance to be an extra in a Hollywood movie with positive moral values. Mary Katherine Gallagher wants to be a SUPERSTAR, so she enters the contest and hilarity ensues.

That's the background that you actually don't really need. So anyway, at one point the Priest/principal of the school says to a student in relation to the venereal disease theme of the talent contest:

"Girls have a button, boys have a pole, and wicked touching takes its toll."

Here's the deal. Pole does not rhyme with button. It rhymes with hole. The writers could have used hole to equate with boys' poles, but they didn't. They, quite correctly, used button. Button insinuates clit and hole, well, insinuates vaginal opening.

Let me be clear. Penises are the male pleasure organ in the same way the clitoral glans (the lady-button) is the female pleasure organ. Lady-holes are not the female pleasure organ.

The father was wise and correct in his comparison even though it is way more common, I believe, to hear people equating the penis in boys to the vagina (as in the hole) in females. That's a bullshit comparison because the vagina, contrary to popular belief, is not a thing like the penis that can be stimulated into orgasm. You might think it would be because we so often see women depicted as orgasming from penises ramming into their vaginal holes, but that's just some myth. In fact in all of scientific literature, stimulating the vaginal canal has never been physically shown to cause orgasm in a woman. It just hasn't.

But stimulating the button or the pole sure the fuck has - numerous times.

So, my point here is that I feel like there was a conscious decision by someone in the writer room to say button instead of hole as a way to sort of give props to the button, and I think that's important because the button does not get near enough props. It's sadly and stupidly always being seen as second pleasure fiddle to the hole even though it is so clearly not just the first fiddle but really the only fiddle game in town (if we're talking about orgasms). I know that's a lot of metaphor, but I think you get my drift.

THE BUTTON, NOT THE HOLE, IS EQUIVALENT TO THE POLE, and the more we hear that out loud, the more likely it will sink into our cultural brain that lady-gasms come from clit stimulation and not poundings.

Satan Ain't No Chump
I have an honorary SSL Reviewable scene too. One of the weirdo gals in Mary Katherine Gallagher's class likes to act like she is kind of possessed by Satan, himself. She brings Satan up a lot, but she's cool though. Anyway, at the end of the movie we see random couples getting together and kissing in that end of the movie sort of way. When it cuts to her, though, she starts pushing her dude's head down out of frame like she's telling him to eat her out.
I just like it because I like anything that insinuates women like to do sex stuff other than getting banged...but especially getting eaten out - because a tongue on one's clit is, well, it's a lovely thing and we should be reminding everyone of that more.

The Vulva Rating
So, I might be wrong that the choice of button instead of hole was a conscious love-the-clit choice, but even if it wasn't, it still said button and not hole. That in and of itself is a little victory for the lady-gasm given that the clitoral glans - the literal thing that causes female orgasm - is so often ignored in our sexual discussions yet the hole where penises go in, babies come out, and orgasms don't seem to be stimulated from - is constantly being brought up.

Obviously, I also LOVE seeing a girl depicted as desiring oral sex given that clit licking is a viable way to actually orgasm.

These were small choices. They weren't over-the-top orgasm equality progressive, but they were small wins towards orgasm equality.

I give Superstar a 4 out of 5 vulva rating.



Cheech and Chong's Up In Smoke: A Retro SSL Review

This was originally posted August 27th 2014. I'm reposting it because I'm back in Indianapolis from Des Moines  for the weekend working on a dance video shoot, and we just ate at our favorite Waffle House, here. It's Waffle House #420, which is obviously the best Waffle House number you could possibly be....and we're lucky enough to have it right here in Indy. So, I thought that in itself was enough of a reason to repost my Up In Smoke SSL Review. Enjoy, and do visit Waffle House #420 if you ever come to Indianapolis. It's the best.

So, just since I watched Felix the Cat, Netflix suggested I watch Up in Smoke, and I thought why not? I'd never seen it. Cheech and Chong. It's a classic, right? It was kinda funny. It would probably be a lot funnier if it was 35 years ago, ya know? Things lose their bite with age and imitation.

However, it just so happened that the person I found most amusing in the movie was also the one involved in the SSL Review eligible moment. Of course, a movie must depict or discuss female orgasm or masturbation in order to even get an SSL Review (the most coveted of all reviews!), but this one is a little interesting, because it is a completely fake orgasm, and I don't mean it was a woman faking an orgasm during a sex act. It is a woman named Jade (played by Zane Buzby) telling a story of this other woman having sex. Basically, she's giving a vivid account of this woman's ridiculously over-exuberant orgasm noises that go on through the whole sex act, and it's clear that Jade sees it and the woman doing it as silly and annoying. So, I think it's actually pretty right on, because it kinda calls out the incredibly unrealistic porny perma-gasms that are so common in our sexual media. Although my assessment of this lady-gasm depiction is actually a little more complicated, and I'll get into that later. For now, let me set up the scene.

This is the Up in Smoke orgasm scene...before Cheech wakes with a cramp

Jade is supposed to be this like ditzy, free-spirit that is just constantly talking. She's also a drug aficionado and has a case with all these pills and shit in it that she uses and gives to other people. The movie will just cut to her, and she'll be in the middle of telling someone some story that sounds crazy as hell. That's how we get to the orgasm scene, actually. Chong and another girl are sleeping in a van made of pot next to a line of people waiting for a concert. Jade is just calmly sitting there in the van brushing her hair and telling this story to 2 sleeping people. Even when the story gets all heated, it never stops just being a story to her. It's very matter of fact. She's still just brushing her hair and not really caring who's listening. Here's my by-ear transcript of her story. I had to pause and rewind a lot to get this, so at least read it and make it worth my while.

She was like nuts. You could always tell if she was in the hotel Bono(?not sure if that's the right word?) man ya know. Like everyone'd be dozin off and all the sudden she'd start up. First you'd hear it, it'd start up like ya know, ahhh, ahhh (real gentle and slow) but then she'd like really get goin' and she'd be more like ya know uh uh uh (a little rougher sounding) ya know and she'd start going like a motor boat, ya know fuu-uu-uuu-uuck me Alex. His name was Alex. Ya know, Fuu-uuu-uu-uuuck meeeee. fu-uuu-uuck mee-eee-ee fuck me Alex (loud and staccato reapeated about 4 or 5 more time) 
Then Chong wakes up. He has a cramp, and says so out loud. He starts grunting and stuff and moving around erratically in the van trying to work out his cramp. The van, my friends, is a-rockin' and the woman is still just chillin', brushing her hair and telling this story. She's getting louder and wilder sounding though.
yeah, yeah oh, yeah, oh yeah (repeated many times). But she's like this - she'd do this...oh yeah, oh yeah (repeated many times and then winds it down like she's finished up an amazing orgasm)...and then she'd have like 2 tears runnin' down her face...
At that point, Chong's cramp subsides, and he gets out of the van. All the people in the line cheer like wild.

So the complication I mentioned with my assessment is that during Jade's story, people outside the van begin to hear what's going on and think that some crazy wild, highly orgasmic sex is going on. They cheer Chong when he comes out, so this whole joke is done with the understanding that the fake sounds Jade is making (as a way to make fun of another woman's craziness) are still taken as real and as an indication to the crowd outside of what a bad-ass lover the dude inside the van must be. So, it's complicated. Does the crowd's misunderstanding of the situation point out to the audience how ridiculous it is that these over-exaggerated orgasm shows seen in things like porn are taken so seriously? Or does it just add one more instance of an exaggerated porn-gasm for audiences to un-critically take in as possible way women might orgasm. It's probably the latter, but I don't feel I can hold Up in Smoke to that too harshly. In the end, it was just a joke, and it was at least partially based on making fun of the porn-gasm.

I'll give Up in Smoke a very wishy-washy 3 vulva rating.



Lady Bird: The SSL Review

If you haven't checked this movie out, I recommend it. First, it's directed and written by a woman - so that in itself to me is worth supporting, but it also feels like it was directed and written by a woman. I think we need more of that feel in the movie landscape. Second, it's just a solid coming of age movie. To me, it's an incredibly well done movie in this genre. Thirdly, it's SSL approved...which means I think what it puts out into the world regarding lady-gasms, lady-bation, and female sexuality is positive and helping to work towards orgasm equality, but you'll see more about that in the SSL Review.

For those of you new to SSL Reviews: They are a critique of depictions or discussions of female masturbation, female orgasm, or the clit. I only review scenes that include those things - not the movie as a whole (unless I feel like talking about more), and I focus mostly on the realism of the depiction/discussion and also how it fits into a larger cultural discussion of female orgasm and sexuality.

Check all the SSL Review movies HERE and TV SSL Reviews HERE.

Now let's get into it. I'm going to describe all the scenes first and then give you my thoughts on them all together.

Eating hosts and talking water-bation
The first SSL Review eligible scene was with Lady Bird and her BFF Julie. They are seniors at a Catholic high school, and somehow they are in the area where the hosts are stored. They are laying next to each other on their backs with their legs up against the wall, and they're eating hosts. For those not raised Catholic, that's the, ya know, body of christ, and it's pretty sacrilegious. Anyway, it cuts into the following conversation.

Still from Lady Bird (2017)

Lady Bird:
...in the tub I scoot myself under, just like now, like this, and the the water just...whoop. (she motions the water falling down onto her crotch area)Julie and Lady Bird together: Schwoop! (They are both laughing and moving their hands the same way Lady Bird just did)
Julie: (still laughing) You're soooo gross.
Lady Bird: I think I figured it out when I was like 3 or something.
Julie: I use...(laughing)...I take the showerhead...
Lady Bird: Oh my God...(laughing)Julie: Embarrassing (still laughing) I use that.
Lady Bird: I don't know if mine is the right kind though. Maybe it's different when you actually have a penis in there. Like it's more intense.
Julie: Mine was pretty intense, I think.
They both laugh, and then the scene ends after they get interrupted.

First Time
This scene is not technically SSL Reviewable because it's just about intercourse - not lady-gasm, clits, or masturbation. However, I'm including it because I think the lack of lady-gasms here is part of the big picture in this movie regarding female sexuality. So, here it is.

Lady Bird is making out with this popular dude that's kinda her boyfriend. She's made out with him before. They're in his bedroom, and she says she's ready to have sex. He's super cazj about it. She's on him cowgirl style. He puts on a condom, and she gets on that D. You can see her struggle through it a bit, like she sorta relaxes herself and takes it slow, and then she starts to move her hips so it's going in and out, and it's just a hot second before he kinda takes his hands off her. She kinda stops after a second and asks if he was done, and he says yeah (again super cazj). Then she gets a nose bleed and deals with that. Then she's all lovey talking about how they deflowered each other and he's all like, "nah, I've had sex with like 6 people." She gets pissed because he said he was a virgin. He's all like, don't be mad, and she says, "I just wanted it to be special." and he says, "Why? You're gonna have so much unspecial sex in your life," She comes back at him with, "I was on top. Who the fuck is on top their first time?"

Girl Talk
Later she's talking to Julie about the sex she had, and says the following.

Lady Bird: People make so much noise in the movies when it happens, but it's really not a big thing. You can totally be quiet during it.
Julie: Was it amazing though?
Lady Bird: I wanted it so badly, but then I found that when it happened...I really like dry humping much more.

They both laugh, and begin talking about something else.

Expectations, The Actual, and Dry-Humping-Is-Better: My Thoughts
There are a few things I love about what Lady Bird insinuates about female orgasm and what it puts out in the world about female sexuality. I'll list them for you.

Girls masturbate. I mean girls do masturbate. It happens all the time all over the world, and as a culture, we're getting a touch better at acknowledging, accepting, and normalizing that, but it's still way, way behind how we acknowledge, accept and normalize that for boys. So, every time we get a chance to see girls in pop media that masturbate, and better yet, admit to masturbating with positive/neutral feedback in relation to that admission, we are that much closer to a world where it's almost expected that girls explore their own genitals and their own orgasms the same as it's pretty much expected for boys. And, we want a world like that, because girls who masturbate are girls who have a knowledgeable relationship to their orgasms, and they become women who have a fighting chance of finding ways to incorporate their own desire, fantasy and orgasm into their sexual relationships...and everyone benefits from that on so many levels.

The female reality of sexual expectations breaking apart when we encounter the actual. This is where Lady Bird's sexual story as a whole comes together, and I think it really captures the thing we really just don't want to admit - intercourse is kinda BS for lady-gasms and it's often a let-down. Intercourse is great for guys to get off, but not gals. Males orgasm from things encompassing their penises and moving around. Female have never ever, in all of scientific literature, been shown to have a physically verified orgasm from a something stimulating the inside of the vagina. So, uh, intercourse sucks for female orgasm and is super awesome for male orgasm. Yet, for some godforsaken reason, the whole world insinuates (and sometimes downright tells girls and women) that intercourse is going to be this amazing thing that is special and orgasmic and, I don't know, full of fireworks and rainbows and the universe or something. I mean it can be nice, and can be hot, and can be amazing in a way, and can even be orgasmic if you actually included clitoral glans stimulation during it, but the reality is for females it's not always even a little nice, it can hurt, it is often not hot at all- especially if there's not clit stimulation to keep up the arousal, and most women and men have no idea that orgasms come not from the vaginal canal, but from the clitoral glans...so it's not usually orgasmic either.

Whether we realize it or not, I believe all females who become sexually active with a partner (but especially a male partner) get smacked hard with the realization that their expectations about intercourse do not match reality. I think everyone integrates that new reality into their understanding of themselves and sex and orgasm differently, whether it be to adjust expectations, to assume you are broken or bad at sex, to just force into your brain the idea that whatever is happening during sex must be the amazingness it's supposed to be, or maybe for a few lucky ones to realize you need to get your clit involved to come and to begin demanding it. No matter what, though, I think the clash of reality vs. expectations is inevitable, and I love the Lady Bird does indeed encounter this....and you know what? She decides that dry humping is more enjoyable. Why? Well I imagine because her clit is getting rubbed against during the dry humping and only her vaginal canal was getting love during the intercourse. We need more dry humping (which can be orgasmic for all) in the world and less intercourse (which is mostly only orgasmic for males). Just saying.

The subtle poo-pooing of thinking that there are 2 orgasms and the one with a penis inside you is better somehow. Lady Bird masturbates. Obviously I love that for the reasons above. She orgasms, it's insinuated, but she expresses fear to her friend that it's not the "right kind." It's such utter bullshit that people are brainwashed into thinking there are different types of orgasms for women, and that the one involved with intercourse is the better of them, but the truth is we are brainwashed in that way, and her saying that is all too real of a fear that so many women and girls have. There is no 'vaginal orgasm' or g-spot orgasm or uterine or cervical or inner clitoral leg orgasm. People talk like there is, but there is no actual proof they exist. There is only orgasm, and there is no physical proof that this orgasm can ever occur from stimulating the inside of the vagina. The idea that women can get boned or finger fucked to orgasm is just, well myth, to be quite blunt. Female ejaculation can occur, it seems from a specific stimulation inside the vagina, but that is not an orgasm and it usually involvles liquid coming from the urethra. It is physically something completely different. The truth, that no one wants to believe, is that women orgasm from clitoral glans stimulation the same that men orgasm from penile stimulation.

So, I love that Lady Bird expresses that fear because it's so very real. I love even more, though, that Julie says, "Mine was pretty intense, I think." Because, by god, it probably was. It was an orgasm. It wasn't a lesser, outer orgasm. It was an orgasm, and she trusted her actual experience of it being pretty awesome in the way orgasms are awesome, and didn't worry too much that the whole world is (incredibly inaccurately) telling her she needs something inside her to give her a really intense one. To me that scene was responsible in that it noted the reality of how insecure women feel about their orgasm, but didn't validate it. It countered it a bit with Julie's confident and self-aware response.

The physical description of the masturbation was realistic. Of course not everyone masturbates with running water, but some people do (2% according to the surveys in the 1976 book The Hite Report by Shere Hite), and it's clearly a way that could work. I mean, running water gives pressure and stimulation, and if it's right against the clitoral glans area, of course it could cause enough jostling to stimulate an orgasm. Why not? So, the realism of the physical description/depiction of masturbation to orgasms is realistic enough to get my SSL stamp of approval.

Vulva Rating
This movie had a realistic female perspective of masturbation and orgasm - which at times depicted the sadly inaccurate fears and worries forced upon women and girls. However, it never just let the BS set out there unchecked. Yeah, Lady Bird had ideas and worries about another 'better' orgasm that happened during intercourse, and yeah, she and Julie had deeply held ideas about how amazing intercourse was supposed to be, and those are accurate reflections of how a real woman in her position might be thinking. However, the movie didn't reinforce these by ending with these characters we like still just living contently in those myths, it kind of shattered them or at least poked holes in them before the audience said goodbye. I respect that. It's responsible movie-making if you ask me.

So, because of the reality of female perspective, the normalizing of physically realistic female masturbation and of openly admitting to it, and the lovely depiction of the journey a woman/girl takes from believing myths of sexual intercourse to experiencing the reality of it, gives this movie a progressive and realistic statement about female orgasm, female masturbation, and female sexuality.

I give it 5 out of 5 vulvas.


5 2018 Oscar Nominated Movies Directed By Women

I started doing this categorized List of 5 movies thing where I showcase movies that were directed by women and that I have actually seen. It all started during the Directed By Women Worldwide Viewing Party in September 2015, and it was pretty fun, so I've continued doing it from time to time.

It's a bit off-topic from my normal fare, ya know, being that it's not specifically about lady-gasms or anything like that, but I think it fits the blog because
1. this blog is also about indie movie-making, and
2. this blog is partially about getting the female perspective of sexuality into our media. So, to me, supporting female voices in our media  means we're creating more room for female voices to speak on all types of things, which sometimes will be sex, orgasms, and sexuality.

You can find all my 5-movie lists HERE.

The movies in this list were all nominated for the best movie in its category at the 2018 Academy Awards. Granted, those are months behind us now, but I say it's never too late checkout an Oscar Nominated movie. So, 4 of these are shorts, because, well, I haven't yet seen any of the full length docs or the full length animated films this year - which would have added a couple more regular sized movies to my list, but I'm sure I'll be checking them out soon.

1 Edith and Eddie - This was directed by Laura Checkoway. I saw this at Indiana University. They were hosting a series where you could watch all the shorts and we hadn't seen the docs yet. In fact, this was the first year we were anywhere near a place showing all the short docs, so it was quite a treat to finally see them all.

2 Traffic Stop - This was directed by Kate Davis. I saw this at the Indiana University showing as well. It looks like this director is coming out with a full length doc this year that I imagine should be good called 'Say My Name: The Life and Death of Sandra Bland'

3. Heroin(e) - This was directed by Elaine McMillion Sheldon. Again, this one I got to see at the ol' Indiana University showing. I thought this was a pretty well done and engaging short doc.

4 Watu Wote (All of Us) - This was directed by Katja Benrath. This one I saw at the Keystone Arts Cinema in Indianapolis (It's been nicknamed 'the evil Key' by one of our friends because we used to have a cool as fuck arts theater on the south side called Key Cinemas that brought in more 'artsy' low-budget movies but it closed down and the Keystone Arts on the upperclass northside (where the rich folk aren't afraid to go)  with lots more Hollywood, big-budget movies was all that was left. I personally am just glad we have any arts theater at all that brings in some good shit from time to time and that it is financially stable enough to stay around, but I still call it the evil Key). Anyway, the Evil Key brings in the Oscar Nominated short animation and short live action films each year and so we've always for sure checked those out.

5 Lady Bird - This was directed by Greta Gerwig. I saved this for last because it's the one everyone has probably heard about, and it's full length and all. I saw this when me and Charlie took our first initial trip to Des Moines to check out the city when I found out my work might be moving here. I have to say the fact that Des Moines has a solid and seemingly stable arts theater here was a true relief. It's called Fleur Cinema , and it definitely plays some more high-budget hollywood movies, but it also brings in some more lesser known films, which is all I ask. It's a Des Moines jewel if you ask me.


Lady-gasm Advice for Becca, The Bachelorette

Okay - 2 things.

1. I'm still settling into my new job and my new city and I've not been able to prioritize this blog as much as I'd like still, but I also love the shit out of this blog and have a thousand things I still want to write, so I'm not gonna go long periods without writing on here. Ya gotta stick with this kind of thing if you don't want people to forget about it, amiright? That means I gotta think up and write some things quick-style - but things I think are worth writing to some degree. This is what you'll be seeing here...because I'm in a new city and haven't made any friends outside of work and want to go to a local music show (I don't even really love going to live local music shows that much, but you know - ya gotta meet people) here in about 20 minutes, but Ima gonna get a post up first.

2. A friend convinced me to watch the Bachelorette, and I did. I watched the first episode, and I'm gonna get in on her group chat for the rest of them, because, well, it will be fun.

That's the two things you need to know for background. Here is the 3rd thing that actually has to do with the subject of this blog...lady-gasms.

3. Becca, the current Bachelorette, is living in a mansion with 28...well now only 22 I think, mostly hot dudes. They are scrambling to please her. If this lady does not take advantage of this and have a dude working that clit every night, I'm gonna flip my coffee table. This is the most golden of opportunities.

That arrogant, blonde, date-rape-face model who keeps running his mouth about how hot he is even though he's very much not the hottest dude there? Shut his mouth up by rubbing your vulva against it until you come, Becca. Then send him way and sleep like a queen in your mansion bed.

That guy that dressed up in a chicken suit to meet you so he could be memorable by making the sound Bekaw..bekaw until it turned into Becca? He tries too hard, and you need to capitalize on that and make him work. Get some toys and let him work those out on you. Maybe a vibe in the whole, a vibe on the clit (he's got two hands), and then he better be using that dumb mouth to talk dirty to you. If not, bye chicken.

The dude you love for some reason after he did a cheap-ass trick by rolling up to meet you in a mini-van full of car seats and baby crap. That's weird, and it makes me sad you went all melty about it, Becca. Get your shit together, don't fall for him, but do get a handy from him in that minivan. If he's good with his fingers on the clit...then maybe give him a chance, but just a small chance.

What I'm saying Becca, is that you better live this out right for all of us women who don't get the chance to have 20 sexy men at our beck and call all night. Please. I mean, I've never seen this show before really, but I KNOW the Bachelor makes use of the score of ladies desperate to please him. It's about equality, Becca...and also about just some good ol' gettin' off...but also equality.


A Bad-ass Letter from a Bad-ass Woman About Her Orgasms and My Post

About a month ago (4-17-2018 to be exact), I had an experience talking in a group that put my mind on the dynamics of orgasm talk between women. I just wanted to write a quick thing about it, so I tried out a kind of free-flowing-straight-from-the-brain-to-the-page writing for the post. I named it "Those Ladies Putting On Bravado About Their Orgasms - A Free Flowing Writing." Feel free to check it out.

I wanted to point out that sometimes women who have not gone through the personal and often hard work of understanding/experiencing their physical orgasm and bringing their understanding into their partnered situations are sometimes the loudest women in a group talking about their orgasm experience. Unfortunately these women are being loud and overly confident not about their own concrete physical experiences of orgasm, but about the social (mis)understanding and myths of orgasm that they have somewhat blindly but deeply clung to. I'm not mad. These women are all of us. We've all clung to these same myths and misinformations in some ways and at some times. In our world full of inaccurate physical information about female orgasm, ridiculous depictions of our orgasms in the media and all the ways our society tries to detach us ladies from our bodies, it makes sense that a lot of us will cling deeply to these for long periods of times, and that some of us will be loud and proud about it. I just wanted to say, in that post, that it's okay to note to yourself when these ladies are taking over the conversation, that they may not actually be the ones you should be listening to. They are the ones you hope, for their own sake, will do some hard personal introspection and learning about their orgasm in a different, more personal, body based way.

That all said, I also would love to see women who have done the work on figuring out their physical orgasm talking loudly and openly in groups. We need some real talk and vulnerability in our lady orgasm convos. What I didn't realize when I wrote all this (but I should always realize) is that I'm not always very clear and I don't always portray correctly in my writing what I mean. And when I got this awesome letter (please write me letters, I fucking LOVE to get letters), from this lovely women named Anna worried about if she was one of these women I was speaking of, I asked her if I could publish it, and she agreed. She is not one of these women. She is a woman who has put thought and work into making sure her orgasm is a priority even in partnered situations. Granted, she may have had an easier road to get there than a lot of us, but no female orgasm road in this world is a breeze. She and all the women who get to some kind of point where they can have an actual, physical orgasm by themselves and/or with a partner should be goddamn proud of their journey so far and if you ask me, should share that journey in an honest, vulnerable way with their friends.

So, I probably wrote too long of an intro, but here's Anna's letter. I think she is ab fab, and I loved hearing about her thoughts and experiences and believe they will be worthwhile to some of you out there as well (and also I'm so with you, Anna, on your assessment of what was going on with your partner's past intercourse-orgasming partner btw).

Dear Trisha,
I'm a long time reader of yours. Sex is a hobby of mine, both doing it and studying it. I love how you get past the common misconceptions and take a scientific view of sex, and how you make the sciency stuff accessible for enthusiastic amateurs like myself. I also love your discussions about how popular culture perpetuates myths about sex. 
I've been reading and re-reading your post from 4.17.2018 and it makes me a little sad.  I guess I could come across as one of those ladies you write about. I don't want to shut down any conversations. I just want to give you my perspective. 
I discovered masturbation in early childhood, and I've been having orgasms ever since. Alone and with partners. Real, distinct orgasms with the pelvic floor contractions and everything, not some vague, interpretable "wave of intensity" or whatever. I came to partnered sex with the expectation of orgasms, and I made sure I got them. Maybe it's because I'm autistic - I have an analytical mindset, and giving priority to my own pleasure as well as my partner's is the sensible thing to do. Sex is a collaboration, not a zero sum game. 
Collaborative sex is a win for both men and women. Allow me to use my partner of three years as an example: 
My partner has had a LOT of girlfriends and casual partners in his 54 years (I'm 47). His mental script was rooted in the commodity model of sex. He felt that he had to "pay" for sex in some way, since "women don't want or need sex the way men do" - by paying for dates and giving gifts, by flattering and complimenting, by helping out, by giving in when there were disagreements. He felt resentful and manipulated, but since he wanted sex and companionship, he did what he believed needed to be done. 
If he successfully tempted a woman to his bed, he felt it was his job, and his alone, to give her an orgasm. If he failed, he hadn't fulfilled his part of the unspoken bargain. Performance anxiety was interfering with his erections. Since he didn't realise how unimportant erections are to women's orgasms, this was a huge problem for him. The transactional view got him more orgasms than it did his girlfriends, but it wasn't very good for him either. 
What I'm trying to say is that women being "selfish" in bed is a good thing for both men and women. The cooperative model of sex relies on both parties asking for what they need. I don't neglect my partner, but I allow myself to focus on my orgasms as well. There is pleasure enough for everybody, and when we cooperate, it eases the pressure and we both get what we want. 
Again, I don't want to shut down the conversation. The orgasm gap is very real. My partner stubbornly believes that I'm exceptional, that ladygasms usually take a lot of work, and even that many women aren't capable of having them. Some men I have known didn't even try. They were confused or amused that orgasms were important to me. One even assured me I didn't need to orgasm, he was happy anyway - as if my orgasm was somehow for his gratification! Also, my partner refuses to believe that banging doesn't cause orgasms in women, because "if that were true, we would all know about it, and besides, I've had women come just from intercourse lots of times". (I, on the other hand, am convinced many of his previous partners faked their orgasms to satisfy his need to be a good lover and get him to stop already. Especially his first girlfriend, who he claims would consistently orgasm as soon as he put it in.) 
This is getting long and rambly, so I'll summarize: I don't want to put on bravado, but I exist and my orgasms are real. I do see myself as a sexual person, but I don't think that's necessary for having orgasms if you want to. Giving priority to your own orgasms is a good thing, and not in conflict with being a generous lover. It can even be beneficial for your partner. 
Maybe I'm over-simplifying. There are men who react badly when women ask for what they want and insist that they get it. There are men who get off on inequality and see the orgasm gap as a feature, not a bug. There is harassment and coercion and rape, and, speaking of personal beliefs, I think every single woman has had such experiences, at least to some degree, whether or not she interprets it that way. 
I don't think this was what you were writing about though. 
We all have a lot of shit baggage. There is a voice in my head telling me how pathetic I am to enjoy make-up and sexy lingerie when I'm pushing 50, with a body shaped by pregnancies and yoyo dieting. "Mutton dressed as lamb", indeed. Changing one's own internal discourse is hard. 
Pretending that orgasms are easy for all women is disastrous, but telling ourselves that struggling is inevitable isn't helpful either. 
Thank you for a wonderful blog,


Random Hite Report #27

Hello, welcome again to one of my favorite segments on the SSL blog, Random Hite Report! (And sorry for the 12 day lull in posts. New job, stolen computer, new city...I just decided to chill 'til I got a new computer and wasn't as hectic) It's simple really. I flip through the pages of the The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality  (or sometimes The Hite Report on Male Sexuality) by a one Ms. Shere Hite and copy the contents of the page where I land - no more no less. Anyone who reads my blog will know that this 1976 book is a fave of mine; not only because of its realistic and progressive insight about the female orgasm that is still shockingly relevant 40 years later,  but also because of its very touching insight into the lives of the women who took part in this huge, comprehensive survey. This is an under-appreciated and under-read book if you ask me - I suggest you buy it online (seriously, you can get them for like 1 cent) and read it.

 So, sit back, getcha a beverage, and enjoy a little...Random Hite Report.

The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality Dell. 1976.
Pg. 482  From the chapter "Sex and Emotions" in the section SEXUAL REVOLUTION. These are survey answers related to, unsurprisingly, the sexual revolution and emotions related to sex, under the heading, "Overwhelmingly, women wanted sex with feeling."

...together. No one knows where the other person is at, and what attracts one may turn off another. Everyone wants to try everything, but not stick to any one thing, so they change from day to day, and are bewildered by the way they and their friends reverse opinions and trade partners. I'm not saying the old way was better, but I'm afraid of what kind of life I can look forward to. I'm not married, but even if I do get married it seems that my marriage has a small chance of surviving. And I don't see the advantage of this style, frankly."
    "I'm confused as hell about the 'sexual revolution.' My husband and I lived and slept together for over a year before we were married -- and that was fine. We loved each other and was some kind of commitment between us. The summer before I was married, my (then) fiance was away and I slept twice with another man because I was curious. Fine. As I mentioned earlier, I lost my virginity to a friend, a bit of a cold way to start out, but I was scared and wanting to get laid, so he helped me out. Fine. But extramarital sex after a man and woman have made a big commitment to each other - I can't buy. I moved out on my husband when he took on a girl friend because I couldn't stand the pain. A year later, right no, we're negotiating. We seem to be at a stalemate. I hate to think of myself as behind the times, but I can't hack anything but monogamy."
    "I still believe the greatest sexual satisfaction comes from having a partner you care about. I've gone through stages of having several lovers and thinking I was really liberated. But I'm much more fulfilled now with one caring partner."
    "I went along with the sexual revolution quite a while until I realized that holding my feelings back was causing me a lot of anguish. I was very depressed. I tried opening communication lines up -  that was part of the problem but not all of it. Now, in love with my lover and trusting him, I can see how all that damaged me - made my trust mechanisms inhibited by sex.For a while I stopped having sex with him because I couldn't..."


Put Your Dicks Away, Like, For Real.

Here's a retro post from April of 2016, about the best comic Orgasm Equality song I've yet to hear. Enjoy 'Put Your Dick Away.' 

At the end of Amy Schumer's last episode of Season 3, there was an absolutely spectacular celebration of female-centered sexuality by comedian Bridget Everett called, I believe, Put Your Dick Away. And, I'm going to go further and tell you that it's straight up revolutionary shit she's doing. I'm adding her directly into my Orgasm Equality Hero list - because she deserves it.

Bridget Everett

The beautiful part is that it was funny as shit too. Like I'm always saying, truly lady-based sexual humor is a largely untapped area of comedy. Although talking about sex is nothing new for the ladies, strangely, talking about hetero sex in a truly selfish yet horn-ified way and keeping it clit instead of vagina centric is still super shocking and edgy...In a way it's really that women talking about sex that truly uses men is still really wild and scary (and btw - comedy about making a man fuck an insatiable vagina until he's tired out doesn't count - that's like saying you're 'using' your friend by obsessively cleaning their house to fulfill your cleaning fetish until they're kinda bored of you being around their house).

Can I just say again that I LOVED this goddamn Put Your Dick Away song. It was so on-point, funny, and deeply true - as some of the best comedy is. I really find it exciting to see more and more comedians expressing in this way about sex and masturbation.  Amy Schumer's got the triple crown of 5 vulva ratings in podcastsTV and Movies, so she is doing her part. The ladies of Saturday Night Live are tappin' in from time to time. Margret Cho did her part back in the day (although I think the world wasn't quite ready yet). Of course they're others too -add 'em in the comments if you got 'em.

So, here's my favorite set of lyrics. It brings a little revolutionary tear to my eye.

When I come home at the end of the day and my fingers are down to the bone. My back is achin' don't there be no mistaken, I'm gonna call my girl on the phone.Then I'll pour a glass of wine. I'm gonna take my time. I'm gonna get my shit relaxed.And when I say it's fucking time, you're gonna lick my valentine, and don't forget the crack. So put yoooooour diiiick, puuuuuut your diiiiick, put your dick away.


Anyway, I think humor is probably the best path to Orgasm Equality. For instance: Some dudes don't want to believe that you might GREATLY prefer for them to mouth-fuck your clit instead of gettin' that dick up in it, but if they hear it as a joke, it lubes the idea up just enough to slip it in the back door...just enough to wonder about if the next girl they hook up with even actually cares to see or touch his junk at all. The way I see it, if we ever want orgasm equality guys need go into a sexual encounter just as worried about the possibility that they'll be used for their mouth and sent on their way as women are about getting a terrible, orgasm-less bang. We are not to that point yet. I mean guys pretty much assume an orgasm in any  sexual situation, so we do have a long way to go yet. But one day, with everyone equally scared they could end up giving more than they get, maybe everyone will start putting in equal effort, and orgasmic joy will reign on earth - amiright?

But seriously, check this woman out. There's no official video of this song up on YouTube that I can find. So you're just going to have to watch her on Inside Amy Schumer S3 E10 (3 Buttholes) or watch her recent Stand-up (which I'm gonna do tonight). Do it.


MeTelling Cosmo Readers to Rub on Stacks of Laundry in Their Panties

If you read this blog you know that I have some straight up love for some of the Cosmo sex writing. Yes, cool people are supposed to make fun of Cosmo Sex Position lists, but that's stupid because the Cosmo Sex Position lists have been bringing their A-game, full on clit focused and yet still often hilarious shit. It's actually at the forefront of the Orgasm Equality Revolution, so suck it. Jill Hamilton and the editors and illustrators that support her are bringing that Revolution, ya'll.

So on that note, I would like to introduce to my SSL world Lane Moore. She's the Sex and Relationship Editor at Cosmo. From my understanding, she wrote a post about ways to masturbate, and Jill was tasked with doing some additions for an updated version to put out there. So, Jill asked me if I would like to be one of the experts in there and I of course said yes. I mean, I am not going to turn down the chance to have my name in Cosmo because that's awesome motha fuckas. Plus, I like thinking of clit-tastic things to do while alone or with a partner. So she sent me the link to the original, because my solo-sex position couldn't be something already in there. What I found was clit focused stuff, which was awesome as shit. They even talked about penetration, but didn't act like you could forget about the clit stimulation during it. That's big. I mean you'd think that talking about masturbation of course it'd be clit-focused, but sadly that's not usually the case.

So, I was super stoked about being part of that, and decided to talk about rubbing your underwear covered vulva against something soft. It's how I masturbated from about 4 to 18, and it's awesome. They didn't have room to add in my advice about keeping a hand under the soft thing to push up against you as you grind down on it, so I thought I'd add that in here. It's a journey, people. Try different things until it feels right.

This whole thing reminded me how much I love this way of masturbating. I actually felt weird about it after I started being sexual with a real live person in my late teens and felt like I needed to teach myself a more 'correct' way of masturbating. So, I started using my hand on my clit until I was able to come from it. I am pretty adept now 20 years later, but it took me a couple weeks of trying before I was able to make it work. It was too intense for me at first. Anyway, I think about that sometimes and how sad it was that I thought the way I masturbated wasn't cool enough because it's not what you see on TV or movies or porn. It works like a motha fucka though, and to all my sisters out there who come this way, high fives to all of you. I don't do it this way enough. I may hit it this way tonight.

So, check out the article. You'll enjoy.

How To Masturbate For Women - 12 Masturbation Tips by Lane Moore and Jill Hamilton


Sex And The City S1 E1-2: A Retro SSL Review

My new little segment is back for a another round (Here's the others). It's a modified, lazy version of an SSL Review. It's just me transcribing my notes, page by page, on all of the Sex and the City episodes. I watched them all - not necessarily in order - during 2007 and 2008, and I took notes on the depiction/discussion of female orgasm and female masturbation. It was my early attempt at this type of lady-gasm review stuff. Anyway, I never actually created reviews from these notes, but since they exist, I'd like to get them out there on the interwebs before they get burned in a house fire or something...thus this series.

Ramona and my SATC Notes

Anyway, the fun of this will be that I will transcribe these as word for word as I can while still trying to make it be a sensible read. I'll post a pick of the notes for your reference. I'll do one or more episodes at a time - from the beginning of the notebook to the end. I may add notes for clarification or add my SSL-Review-style comments.

Hopefully the notes I took privately 10 years ago won't make me look like a dumb asshole. I will add them in the TV SSL Review Master List  (of course you are also welcome to check out the Movie SSL Review Master List as well). Here we go.

Sex And The City Season 1 Episodes 1 and 2

Season 1 Episode 1
- Go have sex "like a man"  - meaning withouth feelings
-Carrie doing guy who was best sex of her life  - she orgasms off camera, he comes up from under covers. He says, "My Turn." She says, "no - gotta go." V.O says it was good especially without all the emotional shit.
    very good
Except - the dude sees Carrie later and says it's awesome that she understands the sex relationship he always wanted  - but in V.O. she says she doesn't get it.
-Samantha goes home with guy then he looks like he's going down on her.

Season 1 Episode 2
-Some dude Carrie's talking to showed her sex tapes w/ him and models, looks like porn - he's self-involved and the girls seem to be enjoying themselves.
-Samantha being fucked. They tape it - she's looking at the camera like he was (me: in the model videos).

My Thoughts
I actually just watched these episodes again recently with a friend, so I'm pretty familiar at this moment with what was happening in them. I really LOVED that when Carrie decided she should try to 'have sex like a man' they depicted it in what I think it the most important and kinda least discussed aspect of 'having sex like a man' - which is getting your orgasm without your partner not getting one.

She got her orgasm from a little oral and said - 'see ya.' I. Love. That.

They talked a lot about sex like a man being about lack of emotion, but I think that's just something this world tells itself to sooth the deep sad fact that men have the luxury of pursuing sex with the opposite sex just to get off and women really don't have that luxury...I mean we can, but it's just so fucking hard to do it.

We can get off, it's not like female bodies are less capable, It's just that the 'normal' sex scripts are not focused on the clitoral glans (which is what women need stimulated to orgasm) and uber-focused on the penis and intercourse (which is shit at getting women off). For a woman to orgasm with a man, she needs to be very specific and direct and have a man that doesn't get offended or confused in order to move past the basic not-great-for-lady-gasm sexual scripts that we all tend to just move through without much discussion. Plus, even if the guy is cool to try whatever and the gal is very clear and knows what to tell him to get her off, there's this weird thing where maybe being so specific and detailed and worrying how it might be received gets her into her head and out of her arousal, and maybe even if the guy is cool with it, it's not something in his normal sex toolbox and he feels a little in his head and out of his arousal as well.

I'm just saying it's an up-hill battle for women. However, for men, the normal sexual scripts, if everyone plays along - and we all often do, are great for his orgasm. And a vagina to put his dick in, even if there is no sexual skill in that woman with the vagina, is a FAB masturbation tool for a dick, so there's a lot going right for the dude-gasm.

Point is, I think it's a bunch of B.S. to pin the way men have sex on a lack of emotion. Men have the luxury of not having to focus so much on the emotional parts of sex because they, unlike women have the orgasmic parts of sex so available to them that they can hang their hats on that in a way women can't. That's the real story you should be writing about, Ms. Bradshaw. (but she doesn't, buy the end of the episode she just kinda ignores the whole orgasm aspect and brings it back to emotion - Blah)

Other than that - I liked seeing Samantha's sexual encounter allude to some cunnilingus. I just obviously appreciate 2 pussy-eatings in the first episodes in the first episode of a female centric TV show about sex.

Also, there was no orgasm in the model tapes or the Samantha and model-guy tape, so I can't really SSL review it. You're free to make your own thoughts up about it.


Inside Amy Schumer S3 Ep5 - The SSL Review

Inside Amy Schumer Season1 Episode 4
This show makes me laugh, and here's the best part - Amy Schumer tends to bring it when it comes to realism and female sexuality. She brought it in her movie Trainwreck, in The Joe Rogan Podcast, and largely in the other episodes of this show I've SSL Reviewed so far. She has shown a strong willingness to give the clit the glory it deserves, speak some truths about lady sex experiences, rep for actual lady-gasms - all things largely absent in media and also incredibly important to Orgasm Equality. (She could use some schooling and humbling when it comes to speaking about race though).

The SSL Reviewable
There is plenty to SSL Review in this show. And for those that don't yet know, an SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussions or depictions of female orgasm, female masturbation, or the clit. I focus on that and really only that (unless I want to talk about something else). I'm looking mainly at realism and about how the depiction/discussion plays in the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and women's sexuality. This particular SSL Review will be interesting. I'll just describe the scenes and we can go from there.

Please, my friends, do enjoy more SSL Reviews for MOVIES and TV SHOWS.

A Bakery in Maine!
So here's the scene:These upper-middle class women are in an upper-middle class kitchen talking as friends. They're talking about how awesome their lives are, but then they each 'tell their truth' and then describe a fantasy they have that always ends in them opening a bakery in Maine. It quickly goes off the rails. Below are the 2 SSL pertinent fantasies.

The 1st.
Amy: Even though it's been like 10 years, I just fall like a little more in love with Jeff every day. Just, like, a little more.
They all have ahhh faces and sigh.
Amy: But you know what? When Jeff is, like, violently refusing to go down on me, you know?
They all look around, like, yeah, uh huh, that's normal, and we get it.
Amy: I kinda fantasize about just like snap chatting a picture of my tits to the UPS guy and just opening a bakery in Maine!
The 2nd
Greta Lee: You guys, I'm so blissfully happy. I gave up my career to home college Tim's adult son. It is so rewarding, but sometimes when I'm sharpening his crayons, I have this fantasy bout giving a homeless guy one of those giant jackpot checks and then masturbating furiously in my Rav4 as the bank teller explains that it's fake. Then zipping up I-95 and opening up the cutest bakery in Maine!

Face Sitting is Better
Amy Goes Deep is a segment where Amy sits down and kind of interviews some person - anyone from a comic friend to her waxer, This time it is with Sharleen Joynt from "The Bachelor."
Amy: Do people sneak into his room and, like, blow him?
Sharleen: I think it can be done.
Amy: I'm so lazy. I'd sneak into his room and sit on his face.
My SSL Take 
So, these are largely just jokes that, I assume were pushed to be a bit more shocking by adding the more raunchy stuff in, so there's nothing incredibly deep here, but I would like to mention a couple things about this that I find poignant about the mentions of orgasm, masturbation, etc. here.

  • When Amy talks about her husband 'violently refusing to go down on her' and all the women nod as if it's something they deal with too, I think a statement is being made here, people. That's some social commentary on how common it is for women to deal with men refusing to or simply not really ever giving oral sex (although they feel fine expecting to receive it). This is something women deal with and it hits home, but it in and of itself is too real to be the joke. The joke is how easily the friends accept it, how ridiculously okay with that terrible fate these ladies are, and how aggressive she made out the refusal to be. My point here is that I like that Amy as a comedian sort of had that insight about how that joke could play on the line between too real and  over-the-top to become a solidly funny line that also hit home a bit. I think that's the kind of thing we need more women in comedy for. Ladies can have insight that opens up a treasure trove of too-real sex comedy largely that has yet been untapped by the over-represented men that have been hogging the spotlight of the comic world.
  • Greta lee talking about rubbing off to a mean joke she played on a homeless man is just pure raunch, for joke sake, but I LOVE that masturbation was used for a woman's raunch jokery at all. It's common for men to throw in masturbation related things in comedy to ramp up the shock factor, but it's still often strangely too uncomfortable when women use it. I love women talking about their masturbation in any context because the more we hear that stuff coming out of women's mouths the more normalized masturbation becomes and the better off the fight for orgasm equality.
  • Amy switching a conversation about giving a dude orgasmic pleasure around to her getting orgasmic pleasure instead as a better option, is something that she does often, and something that I couldn't be happier about. That is what we need more of - ladies being unabashed about how they want dudes to manipulate their clits into orgasm and how that is frankly more fun than giving dudes orgasms...because yeah giving is sexy and nice and all that, but getting ate out is still better. 
The Vulva Rating
I think overall this was a really good on the SSL front. There was random mentions of lady-bation to raunch up a joke. There was some subtle social commentary about how dudes not going down enough on their women is a desperately terrible and sad reality. Plus, there was also a situation in which a famous woman specifically reminded everyone that instead of blowing a guy....a better option might be to just sit on his face. This isn't a perfect SSL Review because it wasn't SUPER progressive, but it was fab. I give it 4 1/2 vulvas.



Those Ladies Putting On Bravado About Their Orgasms - A Free Flow Writing

I'm currently in between right now. I'm moved out of my fave Midwest city and won't be moved into the next Midwest city until Friday. I'm living out of an empty apartment save for 3 cats and an air mattress. So, I'm eating breakfast at Panera (my personal opinion is that the bacon egg and cheese on brioche is much nicer with an over easy egg as opposed to a scramble btw) and writing a quick blog before I go do a bunch of things one has to do in these situations.

I was gonna write a quick SSL Review of one of the many TV shows I have noted to write SSL Reviews about. Amy Schumer, Broad City, Chewing Gum, Mind Hunter, Orange is the New Black, The Americans, Girls, Workoholics, SNL, even Bob's Burgers all have SSL moments in one episode or another that I'm behind in writing about. An SSL Review sounded boring to me right now though.

So, then I vaguely looked at Twitter for a hot second, thinking that the perfect, quick n' easy topic would pop up, but it didn't and I got bored again. So then I decided to just free-flow write something.

And that is what I'm currently doing. I'm gonna experiment a bit with this post. I'm going to go over it quickly when I'm done to make sure it's readable, but I'm pretty much just gonna write what comes to my head about ladies and orgasm or any of this stuff. I'll see what happens. It'll be probably somewhere between kinda cool and really boring/convoluted. Let's hope for the best.

Orgasms are hard, my ladies. Clearly, I don't mean they are biologically problematic or fickle for females in a way they are not for males. My whole movie/blog/activism is based in pointing out that they are not, that females are biologically as capable of having orgasm as quickly, reliably, and easily as men. What I'm talking about is all the other shit in life that makes it harder for ladies to orgasm.

I guess I just want to say that if you are reading my posts, and you think I have my orgasm all figured out easy-like, then rest assured, I don't. I still have trouble prioritizing my sexual desire and needs over another person. I still have ideas in my head about what's sexy and what's not and the "sexy" stuff is often stuff that is not giving me the physical stimulation I need for orgasm and sometimes even arousal at all...and I still worry that if I don't focus on the sexy stuff that my partner will have a worse time, or that if I focus on the stuff that intrinsically feels right to my lady parts and my desires that my partner will find it less sexy. I feel like this even when there isn't evidence from my partner to make me think this way right now, and even though I logically know that's a bunch of BS. The images and ideas that shape us as we grow stick deep in us. We have a lot of shit baggage, my ladies.

I also want to say that the place I am with my own orgasm came through a lot of experimentation, self-honesty, and communication work. It was all hard. Experimentations fail often, self honesty is a journey, and clear, genuine communication is hard and needs tended regularly. Orgasm, arousal, and desire is a touchy subject - for both you and your partner(s). I feel like I was pretty lucky in all this too, and it was still hard. I have had a good orgasmic relationship to masturbation since I was a little girl, I have a partner that is kind and willing to let me be honest and experiment, and I have been able to spend a lot of time and energy thinking and investigating female orgasm.

and don't let her tell you she does

So, if you feel frustrated about your orgasm, know that every other woman you know feels that way to some degree as well. Know that we are all struggling with it in some way, even the ones that tell you they orgasm easily and have always just been lucky to have great partners. No - especially those women who put out a bravado about their orgasm abilities. I would put a lot of money down on these women being some of the least self-honest about their orgasms. I'm not saying that in a negative way, for real. I'm not shitting on women who are overly positive about their orgasms. I mean their presence in a group of women can often shut down really vulnerable, honest discussion about orgasm, but it's not intentional, and it's not any worse than all the other things in the world that shut down that type of talk. It's just not necessarily helpful, and I can't blame anyone for that.

What I am saying, though, is that maybe instead of seeing these women as the ideal of lady-sexuality, or as the thing you feel like you, like all women, should be but are not, instead of that, it's probably more realistic to view them as women dealing with the shit situation for lady-gasms in a completely different way than you. Maybe they are just really positive people who instinctively make the best out of situations and also see themselves as very sexual. So, maybe instead of worrying about why they don't experience orgasm from getting banged, they just tell themselves that since sexual women are supposed to come while getting banged, then they must be coming. They do feel something intense, and we can all convince ourselves of a lot of things - especially when the world around us is already trying its hardest to beat that into our heads anyway.

So, I believe that we women sometimes convince ourselves that our relationship to orgasm is more positive than it is, and some of us at certain times do that strongly. Be kind and understanding of those who do that, but don't fall for it. We are all struggling, and the more we recognize that, the better it gets in the long run.