Okay, I've been doing a thing called Random Hite Report. Sometimes it's from The Hite Report on Female Sexuality and sometimes it's from The Hite Report on Male Sexuality. Both simply ask intimate detailed questions of its participants, and we hear their story in their own words. I think that they are both amazingly insightful and important works, but I have a special love for the male version.
Maybe it's because the female version gets most of the attention - granted, it was the first one, the really, head exploding, groundbreaking one, and the one that really made the point that our culture is just plain ignorant about the physical nature of female orgasm. Believe me, I'm so very much behind all that, and thankful for Shere Hite's efforts. I just always like to root for the underdog, and the male version is just that. It seems like it wouldn't be that interesting. I mean, men, sex - we get it, right? Ah, but you are wrong. This book will pull you in. It is so very human and raw. As much insight as the female version had into aspects of female sexuality that our society ignores or misunderstands, the male version has that too. It's just often different aspects than the lady stuff. It also is an incredible snapshot of men of a certain period in our history. These are men smack dab in the middle of all the cultural changes that accompanied the sexual, civil rights, and women's revolutions, and we are hearing their intimate thoughts about the most intimate parts of their lives. I just think it's beautiful and touching. It's not all pretty, but nothing that's real ever is.
Anyway - in this series, I just flip to a page and the copy it - no more no less- to the blog. Enjoy.
p. 157 The Hite Report on Male Sexuality by Shere Hite
Alfred A. Knoff. NY. 1981
This was in answer to the question, “What was the effect of outside sex on the marriage?” in the “Relationships with Women” section. Now clearly, not everyone had previously answered yes about even having extramarital affairs, but this is part of the breakdown for those who did. These answers from the page I transcribe below page are under the subheading:
The most frequent answer to “What was the effect of extramarital sex on your marriage” from men who had not told their wives, was “no effect”:
"Married twenty-one years. I can take marriage or leave it. I think of myself as monogamous, but I have one lover, unknown to my wife. It changed my life. Kept me going. Kept me responsible to my family. The best thing that ever happened to me. My lover also has a family. She lovers her husband too, and her children. We have an honest open relationship."
"Married twenty-six years. Sex is probably the most important part of my life, but there is too little of it with my wife. Therefore, I have sex outside, unknown to her. It keeps me functioning as a member and head of my family - and gives me the ego satisfaction that I need."
I've had extramarital experiences unknown to my wife. It has made life better for me and easier to stay married. It made me more relaxed as a person, especially in the area of being a father to my children."
"At first I felt somewhat guilty about extramarital sex, but justified it to myself as being good for me and harmless to my marriage. I think it has been good for my marriage because it allowed me to stop being irritated at my wife for not having as high a sex drive as me. It acted as a tension release."
"I have had several extramarital relationships. As far as I know, my wife has never known of them - in any event, she has never actually caught me. The effect of my extramarital relationships has been to keep my marriage together. I don't think I could have stood twenty-seven years of an unsatisfactory sex life. If anything, extramarital affairs have improved my marriage, and I have good reason to believe that some of the married women with whom I have had extramarital relationships have also improved their marriages."
"I have had 'extramarital' experiences unknown to my wife. I'm afraid it helped me as a person in my ego problems and helped me weather the bad times in my marriage. I believe it preserved my marriage, as without these interests and pleasures my marriage would have been over. Instead it continued and survived and improved. I don't need these affairs anymore, but I am glad I had them. They were casual, safe, and always with married women who were horny and who were friends, and some still are.
"My wife and I had a poor period for many years and we were heading for splitsville when I met a woman who thought I was terrific, a great lover, and a super human being, besides loving to fuck.I became sexually satisfied and it wasn't necessary to force my wife to screw. This helped our relationship."
"For at least twenty-five of my thirty-five years of married life I have not liked being married. In fact, I never liked the sexual part of my marriage, which has rarely been fulfilling. To the best of my knowledge all my extramarital relationships were so fulfilling that I was a much happier person and could play on my marital roles much better. On occasion, I think my wife suspected something or may have even been jealous, but since our relationship was under strain most of the time anyway, it didn't matter much. I was faithful for the first twenty-five years, and miserable long before starting to 'step out.' As far as I was concerned, the unhappiness could not get worse, nor the deprivation."
"I have had sex with women other than my wife for many years. My wife knows vaguely about it-she doesn't like it, but as long as i keep it out of our home and don't talk about it (pretend it doesn't exist?), she goes along with it. I also think she knows that sex means more to me than her. The effect...
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