Orgasm Interviews - my basic intro (can skip if you've already read one of these)
Welcome back to this new series in SSL where a women answers questions about her orgasm, masturbation, and sexual experiences. I'm super excited about this because I think women sharing their orgasm experience with fo-realness is powerful as fuck.
At the same time, I think women speaking about their orgasm experiences before they have grounded understanding of orgasm or before they have learned how to have an honest relationship with their sexual bodies, can be misleading at best to the women they speak to and damaging at worst. To be frank and blunt about what I mean here, let me say it this way;
I strongly suspect there are lots of women that lie about their orgasms - about how they happen, when they have them and if they have them. I don't think it's a mean or intentional thing. I don't even think I'd really call it lying most of the time because I don't think it's a conscious lie. It's more about not understanding what an orgasm physiologically is before speaking about it with an undeserved authority. I just think we women are so mislead and confused about our bodies, about the physiology of orgasm, and about how we should obtain, express, and speak about our orgasm that we often twist our understanding of our own experiences to fit into how we
think things should be, and then we speak about them from that twisted, non-scientifically based view and other people take it to heart.
I say that all to let you know that I will be hand-picking all the women I ask to take this survey. I am choosing women I believe have a grounded understanding of orgasm, have exhibited what I believe is an honest relationship with their sexual bodies, and have shown they are able and at least somewhat interested in expressing their feelings and experiences. So, these are also women I have already had the chance to speak to about their orgasms. This series, clearly, is no scientific-based investigation, but I still would like to make it clear to all of you that this is the bias with which I am coming at this.
What I ultimately hope is that these women's stories and insights bring comfort or insight to the other women reading this.
ANNA
This is the 2nd in her 3 part installment.
Find her
PART 1 HERE.
The following is also the description I have in Part 1, so if you've already read it, you can move onto the questions.
The first brave lady I have chosen for this is Anna. I met her online because she wrote me with some worry and criticism about a post I had written. Her insight, openness, and thoughts intrigued me, and we began a really lovely discussion. She graciously accepted the offer to do this, and put a lot of time and effort into being as honest as possible. In an email asking me what format to send it to me in, she said,
"I've been spending a lot of time on your survey, trying to be as honest and thorough as possible. It brought back memories and helped me put into words some vague thoughts I have had. Maybe I was too thorough: I wrote more than ten pages. I couldn't separate orgasms from sex in general. I kept adding context. The answers didn't seem to make sense otherwise."
This will be the second of 3 post from her survey. She did, much to my happiness, write a lot - more than 1 post's worth. Please read her interview in detail. Anna is an extraordinary woman, I think, and although her orgasmic life might have taken a slightly different route from many of you, there is
soooo much to relate to and a lot to learn from. I asked a few follow-up questions that I will include as well. The ability to ask follow-up questions I think is an important perk to this kind of direct questioning.
2. Intercourse
2a. Describe your relationship to and experience with intercourse.
Well, for one thing, I thought I would never get a chance to experience it. From
middle school and onwards it was made very clear to me how ugly, weird and
disgusting I was. Bullying is very damaging.
When I was 17, I met a boy who seemed not only interested but enthusiastic, so I
took my (only) chance. We had so much fun! Neither of us had any experience
(and also, no internet), so we experimented: "Does this feel good? Harder?
Softer? To the left? What about if I do like this instead?" When we tried
intercourse I was a bit disappointed that it would not bring me to orgasm but it
wasn't that big of a deal. We just tried different ways to include my clit. What
worked best was me using my fingers during intercourse. (Too bad all we had in
common was sex. It only lasted a couple of months.)
I enjoy intercourse. The pressure inside me can feel really good. I like being close
to my partner and seeing his pleasure. Intercourse can bring an extra dimension to
my orgasm too, but it doesn't cause orgasms.
2b. If you ever orgasm while having intercourse (either with or without the use
of hands, toys or other accessories), please describe exactly what needs to
happen to you physically in order to get the stimulation you need to orgasm. If
there is more than 1 scenario, describe each. Please be as detailed as you can.
I'm not sure I understand the question. "What needs to happen to you
physically"... Frankly, what needs to happen is that he doesn't get in the way.
I used to orgasm during intercourse most of the time. I would do my usual circular
rubbing. He would hold back until I was done, then he would come. I have come
from being fingered while he was inside me from behind. It was nice, but it's just
as good and also much more reliable if I do it myself.
I have had a few sexual partners: some boyfriends, some more casual. (I haven't
counted. Probably more than ten, definitely less than twenty.) With most of them,
my finger method worked perfectly. With my current boyfriend it just doesn't. If I
put anything between us it doesn't feel as good for either of us, and it doesn't feel
as good from behind either. I think it's partly due to anatomical factors but mostly
psychological.
My boyfriend so desperately wants it to be good for me that he gets stressed and
loses his erection. He is 50+ and has some prostate trouble, but what really derails
him is his inner model of how sex SHOULD work. He feels that it's his job to give
me orgasms, and that I am somehow being cheated if I have to "help" him. It is
better for both of us when he relaxes and lets himself enjoy his own pleasure.
My trusty vibrator doesn't work for me during intercourse. I need it to be
positioned very precisely. Intercourse makes it move around too much.
2c. How often would you say you orgasm during intercourse? What are your
feelings about that?
It used to be quite often. These days, basically never.
It doesn't matter either way. Intercourse is not all-important. I get orgasms with
my boyfriend practically every time we have sex, except when we decide that I
won't (as part of play, or because we only have time for one of us - and when that
happens, it's usually I who get the orgasm and he who waits)
3. Non-intercourse Partnered Sex
3a. Have you ever orgasmed during cunnilingus (while being ate out / gone
down on / given oral sex)? If so, please describe in detail (as best you can since
you aren't in the front row of what's happening down there) what you need to
do physically and what needs to physically happen to you in order to orgasm this
way.
I have, but it was a long time ago. The mechanics are the same as when I
masturbate: consistent, firm, rhythmical pressure.
Cunnilingus can be nice as part of the build-up phase, but I usually don't orgasm
from it. Tongue and lips are not firm enough for more than teasing. Also, I tend to
thrash around a lot when I orgasm, so the stimulation tends to vanish when I want
it the most.
Most of my partners, current included, seem very enthusiastic, but I sometimes
get distracted with worry that he is getting bored or that it tastes bad.
3b. Have you ever orgasmed while a partner was stimulating you with a hand or
finger(s)? If so, please describe in detail what you need to do physically and
what needs to physically happen to you in order to orgasm this way.
I have, but mostly I like it as part of the build-up. It's just easier and more reliable
if I do the last bit myself.
3c. Have you ever orgasmed while a partner was stimulating you with a sex aid
(a vibrator, dildo, feather - anything like that). If so, please describe in detail
what you need to do physically and what needs to physically happen to you in
order to orgasm this way.
No. I only got my first toys after I met my current boyfriend. We tried a little bit,
but it just works so well when I do it myself.
3d. Have you ever orgasmed while grinding or rubbing against a partner's body?
If so, please describe in detail what you need to do physically and what needs to
physically happen to you in order to orgasm this way.
No. I have rubbed my vulva on my partner. It feels nice, but it is too indirect to
make me orgasm.
3e. Anything else you'd like to say about these activities in your sex life?
My boyfriend and I discovered the perfect way to make me orgasm. I lie on my
stomach and hold my little vibrator on my clit in the same way as when I
masturbate. My boyfriend lies beside me and pushes rhythmically and firmly with
his thumb on the alleged g-spot area, and when I say firmly I mean as in "Are you
sure I'm not hurting you? Are you really certain? I can't believe I'm not hurting
you." I get an orgasm every time, and it's usually more powerful than anything I
can get on my own.
3e Follow-up Questions 1 and 2 (answered together) 1. Did your orgasms that happened while there was pressure on your G-spot ever include any kind of ejaculation or 'squirting' or anything like that?
2. Have you ever experienced ejaculation or 'squirting'? If so, please explain the situations in detail.
It has happened but I haven't really thought much about it. I don't know how often it happens. Sometimes everything gets really wet when I orgasm, but it's hard to tell if it's from ejaculating or just a lot of vaginal lubrication if no one sees it happen. I have been told that it looks like a little orgasm fountain. Partners tend to think it's a big deal, like a mark of their excellence as lovers. Maybe they have a point: every time I've been told about has been with g-spot pressure, and the orgasms have been significantly more powerful than average. (I wish everybody knew that vaginal lubrication is a bad indicator of how turned on you are.)
Follow-up to the Follow-up: So, you are saying that you have been told that it looks like a 'little orgasm fountain' when you orgasm. However, the only times you've been told that are when you have received the strong g-spot stimulation along with the clitoral stimulation. Is that correct? Also, is it correct that you haven't been told about a 'little orgasm fountain' or any other squirting/ejaculation during orgasms that did not include G-spot stimulation? Otherwise, you have noticed being very wet after an orgasm, but that could very well be vaginal lubrication - is that correct?
No partner has mentioned a fountain when there has been no pressure.
I just realized something: when I masturbate with a toy in my vagina I get some pressure, and occasionally there is a lot more wetness than usual after I orgasm. It is more water-like, not as slippery. It smells sweet, not like either urine or vaginal fluid. I always thought this was due to the toy stimulating extra lubrication, but maybe there has been an ejaculation? I really don't know. I never thought much about it before you asked.
3e Follow-up Questions 3: Also, can you explain in any more detail how your orgasms with lots of G-spot pressure differed from your orgasms without g-spot pressure?
This is a difficult question. There is a big difference, but how to describe it? The pressure orgasm is more full, more nuanced. My whole body is more involved. If it's a strong one I tend to scream out loud and my back and legs spasm. The first few times with my boyfriend's special technique he thought he had seriously injured me, for sure. Now we just have to be careful to shut the windows and scream into a pillow. I can force myself to be silent and still, but when I do it takes so much effort I can't fully enjoy the orgasm.
Orgasms without pressure are sharper and thinner. My body cramps rather than spasms. I don't make much noise either. This makes it sound like orgasms without pressure are inferior, and they kind of are, but also not. Chocolate analogy: quality is better than cheap, but sometimes the cheap stuff is what you crave. Music analogy: some music is complex and rewards the listener for making the effort, and some music is less complex but just as enjoyable in other ways.
If I'm without pressure and get stuck on the build-up plateau, pressure usually pushes me into the orgasm.
