Porky's - The SSL Review

I'm SSL reviewing the famous 80's teen movie Porky's, so you can assume there's a depiction of female sexual response, and you would be right to assume so. I'll get right too it. There's this whole story line that goes something like this. There are 2 male gym teacher talking, and the older one says to the younger one that they call the super hot girl's gym teacher Lassie. He won't tell him why, though. He just keeps making Aoww-ooo sounds and telling him that if he gets her up in the equipment room, he'll find out. Lucky enough, the hot gal likes him. They get all sweet on each other, but she says she doesn't go all the way. Here's where it gets a little loopy. He does get her up to the equipment room. It's filled with dirty gym socks and jock straps and shit like that. She starts freakin' the hell out on the smell. She can't get enough of it, and it's gettin' her crazy horny - like insane in the eyes horny. She jumps him. Clothes come off, and he's got her down on the mat pounding her for realz. She starts getting crazy loud, howlin' like a dog, and screaming. It's like the worst, longest porn orgasm in the history of terrible porn orgasms. It starts almost immediately upon intercourse and lasts the entire time.

So clearly this gets a bad SSL review from me, given that this is a movie aimed at teen boys about teen boys wanting to get laid, and the only depiction of female sexual release insinuates that women get sweet orgasms from strait up P in V rammin' and that they come for the entirety of the act. Granted, this is supposed to be an over the top humorous scene, but the ridiculousness is not in her having an orgasm quickly from penis in the vag stimulation. The humor was supposed to be that she got seduced to the point of insanity by the smell of gym socks and that she's so loud during her hour long orgasm that everyone in the gym is laughing their asses off. I mean that part's not really that funny either, but it's supposed to be. Point is that this movie is meant for young people, and it serves as a terrible education about what males and females should expect from intercourse (cause contrary to popular belief, stimulation of the inside of the vagina simply does not cause orgasms - please read my defense of that statement before you make any judgements). This miseducation is pretty common problem with these male teen-sex comedies even to this day.

This movie is in the dumb comedy genre, but it's not a good one. The comedy is labored like nobody's business. A lot of times it doesn't even really make any sense - the comedy or the plot line. Maybe it was funnier and more shocking 30 years ago, but I wouldn't waste my time on it now unless you just want to have said you've seen it. On second thought, I'd like to tell you some interesting facts about this movie and you can make your own decision.

1. Lassie is played by a young Kim Cattrall (Sam from Sex and the Citty - a role where she also has a lot of ridiculously unrealistic and porny orgasms).

2. There is a hooker in this movie that helps the teens with a prank, and she is played by Webster's mom. I loved that show, by the way.

3. There is an excessive use of laughing in this movie. These people can't stop laughing at their own jokes, and it just goes on forever and ever.

4. I don't want to go into the plot line, mainly because it's slightly incomprehensible, but there is this dude that goes to Porky's (which is a strip club) and gets beat up all the time. When he comes back to where the other teens are, he always appears by making a huge scene - like falling into a table and breaking it or crashing the car into the parking lot. He's all fucked up, and it's like he's doing a dramatic soap opera death scene. It's actually kinda awesome.

5. I sorta felt like I'd seen Porky's before, but it also kinda gets mixed up in my mind with Revenge of the Nerds and Animal House - both of which I have actually scene before. What I now realize is that I never really saw  Porky's, but I caught the famous scene from it - where some boys are peeping through holes into the locker room where girls are showering. I happen to see this scene because I was peaking from the hallway outside my bedroom into the living room, where I can only assume my parents were watching the movie. I was very young, but it was quite...memorable. I've discussed on here before that my early masturbation fodder was naked women, because frankly it was the only sexual content available to me. Well, this scene was a very early contribution.

6. There's a great line in the aforementioned shower peeping scene. There's like 7 hot girls buck naked, and it's 1981, so teens aren't shaving the junk clean quite yet (plus this is set in the 50's anyway), so there is definite bush. It's pretty neat, trimmed looking stuff, but full none the less. So this guy's smilin' and freaking out about their view and he says, "I've never seen so much wool. You could knit a sweater!" Indeed.

On second thought this might be pretty fun to watch. You decide. As for the SSL Review - only 1 vulva. I would go zero vulvas because how awful the forever porngasm was, but it does earlier show that women could fake orgasms if they so choose - (and those faked orgasms sound like porngasms). We know because we get to watch a fun prostitute that makes orgasm sounds to help some teens play a prank (the boys are totally believing it too) while she's chillin' in a chair drinking some liqueur, free of any poking penises. It's not much, but enough to get at least 1 vulva.


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