I'm Inspired To Get A Little Personal Up In Here

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I received a comment on one of my blog posts that touched me more than the person probably knows. It made me want to write a post that was more personal than usual. I actually have a lot of personal things that I feel could be useful to say on this blog, but I don't know exactly how to speak about them or even if I should. I feel inspired a bit now though after hearing encouraging words from a reader; another woman who lives far away from me, a woman I would have never met, a woman who shares with me, as she does with all women, a struggle between what she knows through her own experience and her own body and what the culture would have us believe; a woman, that like us all, is living and learning within the strange and thorny reality of female sexuality. So, I decided to open up slightly more than I usually do. I will touch on a few points without too much detail - just to get them out there, and then I'm going to elaborate on some for later posts. So here goes.

1  Working towards orgasm equality is very personal to me. I, like most (and frankly I suspect all) women, have struggled with orgasm. At different times the struggle was different and was involved with different aspects of my sexuality and orgasm, but with the insight I have now, I can see that it is always related to the discrepancy between what is real and what I expect/wish/am told things should be like. I don't talk about any of this in a specific way very often here. You might be surprised to hear, but I am a pretty private person. Plus, I also don't want to muddy my arguments with lots of "personal experience stories" and open myself up to critics who would skew the orgasm equality arguments toward flaws they see in me as a person or my personal experiences. I fear that kind of argument twisting, particularly when I feel so strongly that the arguments surrounding the orgasm equality movement hold true with or without me and my experiences.

That said though, I feel like relaying my personal experiences with this stuff could be beneficial. I am a woman. I have struggled with these issues, and I have that perspective to draw from when I speak on them. I also think that it's important every once in a while to mention that I don't have it all figured out. I stand strongly behind the definition of orgasm I put forth and behind the need to shift societal norms, and I believe cultural and personal embracing of those ideals are essential for orgasm equality, but I don't mistake those essential first steps for a cure-all to each and every woman's struggles with orgasms and sexuality.

We ladies, even with the knowledge, comradery, and confidence that can be gained with personal and societal embracing of orgasm equality principals, are still the same little girls who grew up in this culture and acquired the sexual hang-up we deal with daily. We're the same women who had the particular sexual experiences that made us understand sexuality and orgasm the way we do. Our partners still grew up in this society; having the same instincts and insecurities they have always had. We all still came of age watching media that glorifies lies about how women's bodies should react to and experience sexual encounters.

It's not easy for ourselves or our partners to shake the ingrained feelings and exceptions *(I meant expectations)* about our sex lives. So, I want to reassure any women out there that even after you take the ideas of the orgasm equality movement to heart, you will still have struggles, but you won't be alone in them. The road to orgasm equality is a journey, and we got on this train after our formative years had passed. But, please know that the changes we make now will go a long way in making it an easier journey for all the young people that come after us.

2  I have felt quite uncertain about my stance at varying times over the past 11 years I've been researching and making this movie. Mainly it's been about saying outright that stimulation of the vagina does not cause orgasm (Before you start squawking about this statement, please see my full explanation HERE). As the years have gone by, I have yet to find good physiological evidence to go against that statement. However, there is plenty of personal statements from women that do refute it. So, basically by making that statement, I'm telling some women that I don't care what they say about their own experiences with their own bodies, the evidence points against their descriptions of "vaginal orgasms" (Again - check HERE for a full explanation before you squawk).

I want to say that it's never been easy to make that statement so plainly. I get terrified all the time that I'm making the wrong decision, but then when I stand back and look at it, I know I'm doing the right thing - at least the best I can do. I feel more and more comfortable and justified about that statement each passing year, but when women speak to me and tell me that it makes sense to them too, it feels particularly good. Although I rationally know why I'm doing this, it still feels mean sometimes, so knowing some women find it helpful keeps me from letting that kernel of doubt I always have from creeping up too much.

3  I believe it is possible for confident, sexual, smart women to say they have orgasms through vaginal stimulation alone - when they actually do not. My best defense of that idea is only really verified by my personal experience, so I've never been quite sure how to talk about it well and am not really sure I should, but what the hell?

I used to fake orgasms from intercourse, but I didn't really think of it that way. If you'd talked to me as a friend or asked me on a survey back then, I'm sure I would have been one of the "lucky 30%" of women who could orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone...but it was a lie...but it also wasn't a lie because I believed it. I can't remember exactly how I thought about it. I think maybe it was more that I didn't give it much logical thought. I don't remember feeling like a faker or a liar. I felt like a very sexually informed and very sexually "free" woman. I was well into researching this movie before I really realized and acknowledged that I didn't actually orgasm that way. I can't remember all the details of how I came to that point, but I do remember that around that time I started to get frustrated and resentful about certain aspects of my sex life - and I clearly see now that it had a lot to do with my non-orgasms.

It is honestly hard to understand now, looking back, how I thought about all this, but I think it is important to say that I did lie to myself about my orgasm and for a number of years. I can't believe that I'm the only women who has had that experience of convincingly lying to herself about orgasm. It seems ridiculous, but I believe there are more women like me who are so confused or who feel such disconnect between their exceptions *(I meant expectations)* vs. their actual experience or who are so optimistic that we actually will ourselves into orgasming from acts we believe should make us orgasm.

Maybe I am a completely unique individual, but I doubt it. I think this is an unexamined phenomenon, and I'm trying to decide how to speak more about it without sounding crazy or undermining my other arguments about orgasm equality.

4  I want to give my biggest gratitude to all those reading my blog and engaging with me. I want your opinions, and I want you to challenge me, and I want to explore this subject with you. You all are everything to this movement, and I thank you for even being open to listening to these ideas.