1977 Hustler Review Series #5: Sex Toy Ads

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Why I'm SSL Reviewing a 1977 Hustler
So there is a fab lady named Jill Hamilton. She made it into the Orgasm Equality Allies List a good while ago for her various writings. She's awesome and she's goddamn funny. She writes the blog In Bed With Married Women, which you will not regret reading, and she's revo-fucking-lucionizing the classic Cosmo Sex Positions lists.

Now here's where Hustler comes in. She had a give away on her blog, and we readers had to comment and tell her what we wanted so she could pick randomly and ship shit out to us. I saw she had a vintage Hustler, and so I asked - nay begged - for it. I promised to SSL Review it cover to cover, and here I am doing just that.

An SSL Review is a critique specifically of discussion and/or depiction of female orgasm and/or female masturbation in media (usually I do this for movies or TV not magazines, though). I particularly pay attention to the realism and scientific accuracy of the depiction/discussion and how it fits within the larger cultural conversation about female orgasm and female sexuality.

Feel free to check out the previous SSL Reviews of the Advice Column, the Porn Movie Reviews, a Bondage article, and the Kinky Korner erotic story.

Sex Toy Ads
So at the back of the magazine, there's a variety of ads. This was before the internet, so there's tons of ads for mail order movies and pictures, plenty for a 'Spanish Fly' type drug that you sprinke into women's food to make them crazy horny (I'm assuming this was just BS and not some some type of sedative), and I also found 3 that were for vibrators...and although none of them said the word 'orgasm' in the ad, they all alluded to it.

Problem is that they all insinuated that vaginal stimulation, or I guess vaginal vibration to be specific, was why a woman would be wanting to use it, if ya know what I mean. The clit or the outer part of the female genitals were never mentioned or alluded to. If you've read this blog before, you won't be surprised to hear me say that orgasm from stimulation inside the vagina is not a realistic expectation given that there is no physical observations of orgasms caused by stimulation inside the vagina with no additional outer clitoral stimulation in all of scientific literature. That's the god's honest truth.

What that means is unsurprisingly, these ads pretty much all have it wrong about what makes women orgasm. They focus discussions about getting women off in terms of intercourse. It's not surprising that they do this, and it's not just because these are almost 40 year old ads. It's just that our culture is doggedly stuck on the idea that hetero PinV intercourse should be as orgasmic for women as it is for men. It's absolutely not, but we just can't seem to shake the habit of depicting and discussing sex as if it were.

Anyway, I wanted to give my big spiel about how silly these ads were based only on the fact that they aim to stimulate the vagina instead of the clit, the lady-part that actually can induce orgasm from stimulation. So keep that in mind as I introduce these fad ads.

SUPER STUD - THE ULTIMATE VIBRATOR

Super Stud is the ultimate new vibrator that brings sexual enjoyment never before possible. Like the real thing in every way you can imagine! Because it's the same shape...the same texture...provides the same pulsating surge of power...the same sensual inner massage...the same driving, pounding, passionate explosion of ecstasy! It expands, it contracts, it moves slowly or rapidly, up and down and round and round. The perfect way to bring your lover to a fever pitch of excitement - she'll be ready, eager, panting for lovemaking - expends to a full 8". So unlike anything ever offered before, you'll never use any other vibrator again. You'll swear by Super Stud.

First off, they're really missing the point of a vibrator here. It's actually great because it's not like the 'real thing' - which I assume means a dude pumping his penis in you. We ladies don't need a toy for that. We know where to get that if we want it, which we don't right now because what we want is an orgasm. This vibrator is great for that, but it's because it vibrates and we rub it against our clits - which dicks are terrible at.

Also, I'm reeeeaaal skeptical of the moving capabilities this ad insinuates of this dildo vibrator. It looks like it's just an floppy accordion-ed dildo and if you want it to move rapidly, slowly, in and out and round and round, you best use your hand to do it because it's just a cheap weird vibrating dildo, not a sex robot.

GERMAN TICKLERS

Finding the right tickler is no laughing matter.  That's why LEISURE TIME offers a German Tickler that can turn the blandest penis into a well garnished bratwurst. Our German Ticklers are made of soft-textured latex that is specially designed to stimulate the most hard to please fraulein. Each German Tickler comes equipped with a special feature - if washed with soap and water, and properly cared for, it is reusable. In fact, you should get as many miles out of your German Tickler as you would from a Volkswagon.

I'll be real honest, I don't exactly know what a tickler is, but from the picture, I'm assuming it's a semi-sturdy sheath that goes over the dick, and adds a touch of length, girth, texture, and for some, what I can only really describe as torture devices to the end of your dick. Seriously, ain't no woman want those spikes scraping across her cervix. We can go get a pap smear if we want that kind of treatment.

I mean, if you want some extra on the dick for fun, why not try it, but vaginal walls don't get stimulated into orgasm. Hell, those those walls are probably not even going to notice the dumb bumps on your tickler at all. If you want to get your girl off just tickle her clit (well, not tickle, really, but give it consistent appropriate stimulation), and save your money...Plus, let's be honest. You don't want to reuse that thing. Soap and water will not do the trick.

BUTT/PUSSY TICKLER (Vibrate your way to Orgasm)

Now motorized for that tingling, fullfilling sensation that you desire. Rectal/Vaginal stimulation is created for the ultimate pleasure! Also good for enema retention.

Rectal/Vaginal stimulation can be pleasurable, sure, but if they are insinuating an orgasm from that they're way off-base. We've already gone over that. Let's get to what's really important here. What the fuck is happening and what are they selling? What is this 'enema retention' they speak of? Why?

I really don't know. Is this a vibrating butt plug that you can stick in just after an enema to block the floodgates? If so, why? I'm leaving it at that. I'm not sure what else to say, but if you were looking for an enema retention product, and you thought you struck gold here, you're wrong. This is a 40 year old add. Keep trying the interwebs.

Vulva Rating
These all together get a terrible vulva rating because the overwhelming sense from these ads was that women orgasm from stimulation inside the vagina, and there simply is no physical evidence that has ever happened. 0 vulvas for these sex toys.

Zero Vulvas