Cinderella - The SSL Review

How, you ask, am I going to do an SSL Review on a children's movie from Disney? Was there really a discussion, or depiction of female orgasm or female masturbation in that movie that can make it eligible for an SSL review? The answer, my friends, is no, there was not. However, there was a scene (and I'm not giving any spoilers - because the movie is really just a live version of the cartoon with a bit more backstory - so no surprises) while Cinderella was at the Royal Ball. She and ol' Prince Charming (although weirdly there's a thing in this movie where she calls him Kit) are in a secret garden, and she's swinging on a rope swing. Her glass slipper falls off, and he puts it back on, and when he does, she lets out this breath, like she's having a foot-gasm. I don't know if everyone noticed this, but it made me laugh out loud for just a sec.

I decided that was enough to write an SSL Review - just because I wanted to say how boring and disappointing the movie was. I know you are asking, Trisha, why do you even care about this movie, and why would think think it would be like good or something? These are good questions, with no good answers, but by god, I will try.

I can honestly say that as soon as I saw there was a Cinderella movie, I had a little kernel in me that really wanted to see it. It was just a kernel deep within, but I knew I must see it. I guess I imagined the breath-takingly sparkly ball gown, and the incredibly cute Gus Gus trying so desperately to collect those pearls for his beloved friend Cinderelly despite the peril of that darn cat. I was thinking of the fairy godmother, and again of sparkles. And also, I was thinking about sparkles and sparkly-ness. It just seemed like something I wanted my eyes to look at.

So, as I was standing in the ridiculously slow moving Brazilian movie theater ticket line (I'm serious - movie ticket lines seem to take hours here. Each person seems to be at the cashier for 10 minutes), and we were deciding what movie to watch, Cindy-relly was the obvious choice. Well, as we sometimes...well maybe often...do, Charlie and I just wanted to go to the movies and eat popcorn, and we'll watch whatever the best option is at the time. Cinderella was playing right then. It had subtitles in Portuguese instead of being dubbed in Portuguese, and it's a classic story. Why not? We had also just that week seen Malificent -which was a magnificent live revamp of a classic Disney cartoon, so I had some hope

Unfortunately, I found it disapointing even for my very slight hopes. It was just a less interesting straight remake of the cartoon. There weren't fun songs, and although the mice in it were kinda cute, there wasn't that intense sweetness between the animals and Cinderella that were in the cartoon. Plus, I was way disappointed in the sparkles. Her dress looked like a giant version of the cheap dress-up dresses that little girls will be buying from the Disney Store soon. "Kit's" uniform at the ball looked kinda cheap and made him look kinda ill-shaped. There was no class, people! It all just looked cheap and phoned in - the whole thing.

Cartoon Sparkly Cinderella Ball Gown

2015 live action, hot-glued butterfly and tulle Cinderella Ball Gown

I wasn't even into Princess stuff that much as a little girl, but I always liked to look at pretty things and sparkles - I mean who doesn't, right? It just didn't satisfy that part of it for me. Maybe not the most top-notch review, but that was my gut. I could go into my issues and thoughts on remaking old movie without also updating the old tropes and old world-views that made it work then, but are unlikely to give the audience a similar experience now. Charlie and I talked about that a long time while walking in circles around the mall where the cinema was. I think that was Cinderella's worst mistake, but it's a very common mistake in Hollywood, so it's not new to that movie.

Anyway - Cinderella: 

Foot-gasm? Funny.

"Kit" puts glass slipper on in secret garden. Foot-gasm occurs.
Sparkles? not enough and not breath-taking enough.
Animal element? kinda cute. Not nearly as hard-working or dedicated to Cinderelly.

Lazy, undedicated, 2015 Cinderella Mice

Gus Gus and friend. Part of the dedicated and hardworking animals that take care of Cinderella

Sympathy for Cinderella? mehh.
Prince Charming? Terrible nickname, not hot enough, bad costume.
Ball Gown? Too dark blue, too much cheap looking tulle, too many cheap looking butterflies bought from a craft store and hot-glued on.
Glass slippers? satisfactory.
Stepsisters costumes? a little Minnie Mousey.

Wicked Stepsisters. A lot of polka dots

Wicked Stepsisters. Polka dot sweaters and bows on the head. Minnie Mouse?

Evil Stepmother's cat? should have become allies with the mice! It's the 2010's. People love inter-species friendships. Doesn't the director look at Pinterest?

Inter-species friendships!

Cinderella's childhood? A little pukingly perfect, don't you think?
Stepmother's costumes? F'ing fabulous.

The Wicked Stepmother is stunning. Cinderella should take note.

I give this movie only 1 vulva - because having a prince shoe you in a glass slipper is not the appropriate stimulation to elicit orgasm. Highly unrealistic!  (!)

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