One of the best reactions to my work I could imagine
Firstly, it is true that I google my name and 'science sex and the ladies' often. I gotta see what's out there, and I'm often very glad I did 'cause I get to find little gems like this post from Ellen at at Ellen's Blog. It's called Female orgasm - a start.
She wrote it back around the time that my post critiquing a BBC article on female orgasm came out. Her post was a fairly quick one and more of an initial reaction to my article, but it was also thoughtful, and introspective, and it made me incredibly excited and thankful to her when I read it. She said it made her angry and that she kept thinking about it when she was trying to sleep and so she got up and read it again.
You had me at 'read it again,' Ellen. I know the shit I'm saying is not something people want to hear - it's strangely uncomfortable. Obviously, I believe deeply that these things need to be said, but I'm not naive (at least not any more) about how other people react. I tend to get 1 of 3 reactions from people.
The 3 reactions I usually get
1. They immediately feel relieved and excited and grateful to hear in such a straightforward way that their bodies or their partner's bodies are not messed up.
2. They, of course, agree with me, but then say something that makes me think the main point (that vaginal stimulation has never been shown to cause orgasm) didn't quite sink in. They love any of the other sex positive stuff surrounding that main point - like stuff about better education and communication and more masturbation, but just sorta skip over the big nasty elephant in the room part. The best way to describe it is that they just heard the parts that they already believed anyway and chose to completely ignore the uncomfortable parts.
This group goes into 2 categories - one that are big advocates but just continue to surprise me by also, in the same breath, saying really status quo things about female orgasm that directly don't make sense with the points in my movie/blog/article. The other group (and this is probably the biggest group) immediately writes it all off as the same ol' same ol' information about lady-gasms. Basically this group just completely dismisses it without even acknowledging the controversial aspects.
3. They get a little pissed. They fully understand what I'm saying about the whole vaginal stimulation thing, and they don't like it. They tend to be the first and most vocal group in comment threads. Sometimes they can be downright shitty with the first comments. Sometimes they are, based on their personal experiences, just straight up perplexed about where I'm getting this shit, and sometimes they just think it couldn't be right. But honestly, I like these reactions most because there is someplace to go from there. There is a conversation to be had because they are willing to see my point and are willing to argue theirs. And honestly, even the ones that start off with a super shitty comment become pretty reasonable when I engage them. I think it's just internet culture and them being used to authors not caring to read comments that makes it nasty sometimes. Anyway, this is actually my favorite group. Ellen is in this group, and she's one of the best of this group.
Why Ellen is awesome and deserves to be an Orgasm Equality Hero
What I like about Ellen is that she got what I was saying. She had an authentic reaction to it that she was willing to acknowledge, and then she went back to investigate it more and to reflect on it a little through writing. That is literally the very best I could ever hope for from this orgasm equality activism. The weird and problematic truth of this whole despite-everything-we've-ever-been-shown-and-taught-vaginas-don't-seem-to-cause-orgasms business is that it cuts deeper than you'd ever think. The opposite assumptions about P-in-V sex being mutually orgasmic is so deeply a part of our culture and our sexual being that it's hard to even see that it's something we assume, and even when we do realize that we assume it, it's just as hard to unravel all the pieces of us that are wrapped up in it.
I mean, I've been looking at the world from this perspective in detailed ways for over 10 years now, and there are still many aspects of my personal sexual life that are affected by how deep those assumptions are in my bones...much less my partner's. So, honestly, I expect pushback. I want pushback. The stuff I'm saying isn't something people just easily take in and move on from. It just isn't and I know this because I'm in no way the first person to say it. People have been saying it in many ways for many years, and it just hasn't sunk into our culture yet. I want anything but for this stuff to be dismissed like it has historically been. Ellen does not dismiss this, and in fact she says something that is so insightful, I wanted to fist pump in the air.
This idea that this G-spot is very important, a vaginal orgasm is the ultimate orgasm for women. That idea was inside of me. Not clearly defined, not like i talk about it or anything, but yes, it was. And now i read this article in which it is very clearly stated that that is no proof, no scientific proof for a vaginal orgasm.Hell yeah. Ellen is bad ass because she did something that not everyone is brave enough to do. She took a breath and considered something that she found uncomfortable and by doing that looked dead into the hard aspects of the Orgasm Equality Movement. She just put down her initial thoughts here - no conclusions or anything. I truly don't care how all her thoughts eventually fall in order after this (because all of us will work this out in our own bodies and our own sexual relationships differently), but that she considered it means everything. I am grateful to her, and I respect her honesty and openness.
That kind of personal bravery is not easy, and it's the kind of thing I like to call attention to by making her one of my Orgasm Equality Heroes! Thanks you Ellen, and I'd love to hear more from you! You can see her and the other Orgasm Equality Heroes HERE!