Eatin' A Lady Out: You're Doin' It Wrong

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Playboy cover March 1995

Recently, I was hanging with some friends. We'd just finished dinner and some drinks, and walked back to one of their houses to hang on the porch...and check out the bags of Playboys from the 80's and 90's that had recently been found and saved from a dumpster. Super awesome time, my friends, super awesome time.

Here is a question and answer from The Playboy Advisor in the March 1995 issue (page 36):
  

I love performing oral sex to my girlfriends. The problem is, I have a short tongue. After years of practice, I have learned to compensate with technique and enthusiasm, but after fairly long sessions, my tongue hurts. I've heard that you can have the tiny piece of skin on the underside of your tongue cut to give more extension. Is this true? Is it safe?
R.T., Pasadena, California.
Excising the membrane that keeps your tongue from flopping around-a procedure known as frenectomy-has no practical advantage for adults beyond making it easier to get peanut butter off the roof of your mouth. You probably have a short frenulum, which might make you tire more easily during oral sex. But since most women prefer gentle teasing of the outer lips of the vagina, and indirect clitoral pressure, rather than penetration, your lovers aren't likely to be concerned with how far you extend your tongue.

 I think the Playboy Advisor did as good a job as one could expect, but I really think they should have been more clear and direct. I know there are far too many men out there who think that giving a woman oral sex means that they should push their tongues in and our of the vagina hole, and there are far too many women who fake orgasms while their sorely uneducated partners poke their tired tongues into highly un-sensitive vaginas. I personally know a couple men who did in fact think that for far too long...and did believe (at the time) that it made their partners come. I would bet my damn house that it absolutely never did.

So...if I were The Playboy Advisor, I would switch that answer up a bit - like so:

The fact that you asked that question let's me know that you obviously have the wrong idea about what goes into performing oral sex on a woman (at least the kind that induces orgasm). Stimulating the clitoral/vulva area is the way to bring a woman to orgasm - not stimulating the vagina. Check out Masters and Johnson. My advice is to stop focusing on pushing your tongue in and out of her hole and start focusing on light teasing of the outer lips of the vagina; rhythmic mouth and tongue movements from side to side or in circles around the clitoris, and possibly some very gentle sucking on the clitoral area. You'll have to experiment. Different women will have different tastes about things like how direct or indirect the clitoral stimulation should be and how much pressure to use, but I would be shocked to all hell if you found one that just wanted you to tongue f*ck her vag.