Dallas Buyers Club - The SSL Review

It's Oscar Night, and since the latest Snow-pocalypse here in Indy didn't turn out to be so bad, we'll be headed over to our annual Oscar Night fest with our trusty Oscar friends. We will eat, we will talk shit, we will laugh, we will tear up slightly, we may even be surprised that some actor who has died this year was even still alive in the first place. It will be fun had by all, and to go along with this theme, I will be SSL reviewing the last of the SSL-review-eligible Oscar Nominated Best Pictures, Dallas Buyers Club

Okay, actually I just looked at the list again, and I realized that The Wolf of Wall Street may in fact be eligible. I mean, there was a whole lot of doin' it in that movie, but I'm not sure that there was ever the indication that a female orgasm was happening in any of the scenes, and I'm pretty sure there wasn't a discussion about female orgasm or anything about female masturbation, so honestly, I'll have to watch it again later to make sure. 

Either way, there was still a fairly significant amount of Best Picture nominations that could be and were SSL reviewed. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it's interesting. 12 Years a Slave and Philomena were both quite favorably SSL reviewed. One said clitoris and another rubbed that very thing realistically into an orgasm. Her was a little less favorably reviewed, given its porny wails of lady ecstasy, and I'm afraid Dallas Buyers Club will also be not so favorable. The movie was good. The ladygasm, however, was unrealistic.

I'll make this quick and try not to spoil anything for those who haven't seen it. Long story short, a man who has previously been shown to partake in sex (the P in V boy girl kind) quite often, has been unable to do so for a pretty long period of time given the fact that he has AIDS. Surrounded by a lot of gay men with AIDS (this was the 80's), he is pleasantly surprised to become aware of a woman who has AIDS. This is all happening in 2 adjoining motel rooms that double as an office with lots of people coming in and out. Dude sees the woman in the next room, asks if she's actually got AIDS, and the next cut is all the people in the motel/office, hearing the tell tale sounds of two people fucking, including her porn screams. A quick shot shows Dude standing in a shower stall. She is straddling him, with her weight seemingly supported by him and her back against the wall getting, well, banged is the best way to put it. They both clearly finish up amazing orgasms at the same time. 

So, she is getting a penis pushed in and out of her vag. Neither he nor she is using any hands on her clit or anywhere near it, and she’s vocalizing like a porn star, like she’s coming as hard as anyone could come. It’s pretty bogus. I will say that there is a possibility that his pelvis is banging against her clit with each thrust, but honestly, a tap on the clit every so often is not the kind of steady pressure and stimulation that is pretty universally understood to be needed for both penises and clits to get there.  Plus, she’s up in the air, and would have very little control over the movement of her pelvis, which does not seem conducive for a person’s (male or female’s) ability to orgasm. 

I went into a lot of detail there, but the basic idea seen by the viewer is this; a woman is banged up against a wall and has a super hot, sexy, intense orgasm just from the banging. It’s what we see in porn, what we read in romance novels, what we see in TV shows and movies. It is what our media understands female orgasm to be, and yet it is a ridiculously unlikely way for a woman to orgasm.

So, since this scene just added to the pile of other things that helps women and men completely misunderstand how a woman might orgasm, and builds on the idea that it is common and particularly sexy to orgasm in this easy, hands free, getting banged kind of way. I give this movie a 0 vulvas. None at all. Sorry McConaughey.

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