2012 Resolutions for the Media

Happy 2012! I work with an always fun and interesting man from Azarbaijan who sends out an email each year to inform us about the year to come. This year, my friends, is the year of the Black Water Dragon. It is notoriously unpredictable and has a traditional association with new beginnings, happiness, and good fortune. It sounds pretty good to me. I feel truly excited about this year, and I hope you do to. If we can't be excited and hopeful for the future, then what the hell are we doing with our lives - am I right?

Okay, so in the spirit of a new year and new beginnings, I'm going to rattle off 2 New Year's resolutions that should be coming from the media this year. As always, these will relate to depictions and discussions of female sexual release (cause everything I write in this blog pretty much always relates to that). Here they are...

1. Grindin' the Bump - Let's resolve to see a raunchy teen movie that focuses on the ladies. We've had more than our fair share of movies about horny teen boys trying to get off. In 2012, let's see what the gals are up to. Maybe instead of a dad walking in on his son banging a pie, we have a mom walking in on her daughter rubbing up crazy style against something ridiculous - like one of those giant bears you win at the fair. What I just said might not be it, but once you take out the porn-iness there is untapped comedy in girls' sexual endeavors. Promise. (BTW - a girl talking about sticking an instrument up her puss while at band camp, doesn't count. Sure she's talking about herself as an apologetically sexual person, but ramming something up the vagina does not an orgasm make. We need to have the insinuation that the clitoris/vulva is being stimulated - cause that's what women actually do need in order to orgasm.)

2. Jigglin' the Orchid - We need to see the reach-down in 2012. When we see intercourse on screen, let's also see the lady use her own hand on her own vulva at the same time. It can be played super sexy or it can work in a comic sex scene too - it just needs to be done, and in a pretty mainstream movie. I realize a simple act of a woman reaching to pleasure herself during a sexual act would probably gain the movie an NC-17 rating, but screw those raters, they suck anyway (they really do - watch This Movie Has Not Yet Been Rated). If disturbing rape scenes and pie-screwing can get R ratings, we have every right to fight for some realism in showing how females attain sexual pleasure.

That's all I have in me at the moment. I'll report back if I think of some more. Enjoy coming up with more fun and realistic ways to show the ladies getting theirs. Pitch them to every Hollywood writer you know and rock on with the awesome year in front of you!

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