Can We Go Beyond Tackling This Problem by Blaming it on Partner Communication?

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So, my last post was a long-ass critique of a BBC article about the female orgasm. My biggest reason for doing it was to point out that the inaccuracies in the conclusions being made in much of the lady-gasm research and in science reporting are so boldly off-base that they cannot and should not be ignored any longer. Secondarily, I wanted to point out that the inaccuracies promoted in that article don't just represent a few bad apples, if you will, in an otherwise lovely barrel of apples that is our cultural understanding of female orgasm. Instead, I would say that BBC article fully represents the common, status-quo, largely unquestioned way most people (men and women alike) regard female orgasm, and it is a big ol' barrel of nasty, rotten apples that needs to be thrown out, cleaned, and refilled.

I wanted to write this post here because I noticed that a lot of the publicity that this article got had a tone to it that I thought, quite frankly, didn't get the points I was making. Even from very critically minded, thoughtful people that I have a lot of respect for, there seemed to be a blanket refusal to acknowledge that there was a problem that went beyond a simple breakdown in how a couple talked with each other about their sexual wants and needs. I hit this wall often. I say, "Hey, ya'll! Here's direct, clear evidence that our culture speaks about, depicts, discusses, jokes about, teaches, reports on, and researches female orgasm in ways that, as a whole, reveals a deep misunderstanding of how female orgasms are realistically attained," and the reply is often, "Oh, interesting - but you know, if men and women just talked to each other honestly about what they wanted, there would be no problem at all, probably."

It always seems incredibly dismissive - of the argument I've made, of the influence science, media and education norms have on our lives, and of the uniquely female sexual experience of living in a world that force feeds you unrealistic 'knowledge' about your ability to orgasm. It seems wholly thoughtless to me to assert that these wide and deep misunderstandings and misrepresentations of female orgasm that I have layed out are somehow not going to affect women's sexual lives in a deeper way. I mean, if almost every aspect of our culture misunderstands female orgasm, why would it make sense that somehow when a man and a woman get together, all of those influences just completely go away, and that they can simply figure things out on fully even ground, with no pre-conceived notions or internal damage?

It also always surprises me that there is rarely comment about the specific arguments I make when it comes to the science and culture. Commentators tend to go straight to how this can be corrected in an individual relationship. It is so indicative of the very problems I am speaking out against. Although there is a clear, systematic, large-scale problem here, the tendency is still to ignore that and go straight to blaming women. It becomes, as it has always been, an individual, personal problem. Replying to the idea that there is a large scale culture of female orgasm problem by saying that things would be just fine if the couple just spoke honestly about what they want and need is basically saying the woman is not correctly understanding her sexual needs and not correctly communicating them (cause men aren't having large scale problems having orgasms in sexual interactions). It is really, if you think about it, her problem, an individual deficiency to solve on her own/with her partner, and it's no different and no less harmful than when we used to blame women for being frigid.