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| Betty Dodson (right) and her website business partner Carlin Ross |
Well, I started off with an insanely long winded question for Betty. Why? Well, because the thing I’m asking isn’t really out there in the literature, and I really want opinions about that subject from people who have any kind of knowledge. I got a chance to ask, so I did…in the longest interview question you’ll ever read.
Me: My assumption, from my own experience, from friends' experiences, and from things I've read, is that female ejaculation doesn't feel that great - certainly not compared to an orgasm. To be more specific, I'm talking about ejaculation, caused by g-spot stimulation, that is not happening simultaneously with an orgasm that is caused by additional clitoral/vulva stimulation. You have had, witnessed, and discussed many sexual experiences over the years, so what are your thoughts on my statement above?
*I'm interested for 2 reasons. a. I think there is a cultural idea that ejaculating or "squirting" is a sign of a high level of sexual pleasure and that G-spot stimulation is seen as the source of intense uber-orgasmic pleasure. b. I think women deserve a reasonable sense, from our media and sex advice, about how useful it is to pursue ejaculation or "squirting." I certainly have my hunches about how to speak about this. However, I feel somewhat uncomfortable speaking strongly about this…because there is very little research on ejaculations; because it is a hard thing to gauge how a physical reaction "feels" to other people; and because I feel like the terms "ejaculation," "orgasm," and "pleasure" all get used interchangeably even though they are not the same things.
BAD: We all have a right to express our opinions. My sense of all this comes from sophisticated women who know a lot about sex, especially their own likes and dislikes. You are right about good research being sorely missing. Women have been clear about ejaculation being more for their partners than for them. Female orgasms are such a mystery to men (as well as too many women) and when they see something coming out while they strum away inside makes them feel so GOOD! It's proof they made her come. And that's a project for many men to prove their sexual skills and make her cum. That disgusting "15 Ways to Make Your GF Cum" article makes me want to puke. But it's still our number ONE clicked on topic.
In another correspondence, she added this.
BAD: I'm beginning to think that squirting happens to only a handful of us. While it feels good, it is NOT the same as having an orgasm. That much is clear! However, so many men love it because they can believe they made her come (a national obsession with most men) that it's gonna be with us indefinitely. My current stance is yes, squirting is a fact of life for some but not many. It's fluid coming from our prostate-like glands in the urethral sponge and bladder but it's NOT female ejaculate nor is it an orgasm.
Me: Could you comment a bit about how far we have gone and also how far we have not gone since the sexual revolution when it comes to women's sexuality. Particularly, what are the most important areas that we need to work on and where are we, as a culture, getting it right?
BAD: I always want to shed a tear when I'm asked this question. We have gone backwards not forward since the sexual revolution. Imagine! We are still debating the right of women to have abortions and birth control. The GOP crazies have made the 50's look quite charming. No sex information is better than all the garbage they are spewing out these days.
Me: You talk a bit on your site about how grown women who first began exploring masturbation and orgasm as adults have a different road to travel when it comes to reaching orgasm (with or without a partner) than men and other women who have masturbated since they were young. Why do you think this is, and what are some of the differences between the experiences of these two groups?
BAD: Childhood masturbation is when we begin to connect the good feelings in our genital to the pleasure center in our brains. It's no different than any of the other developmental skills we gradually master like speech and learning what we like and dislike.
Me: It seems as though you often get letters from women thinking that how they currently orgasm is not enough or not correct and they want to learn to orgasm in another way with their partner. Why do think women so often feel this way?
BAD: I believe this is the curse of too much porn, and not enough good sex education that includes teaching sexual skills. The vaginal orgasm still reigns supreme I'm sorry to say. However, women are slowly finding their clits and their voices will follow.
I’d like to make it clear that Betty has no problem with depictions of sex – movies, pictures, whatever. It’s the quality she has the problem with. I’ll let her explain that a little more with an answer she gave me later to a now irrelevant and long-winded question I asked her.
BAD: It's (porn’s) here to stay, and my main complaint is it's NOT GOOD SEX ED. It's basically entertainment for men, and these young boys growing up on it think women like to have ejaculate all over their faces. That stuff can taste and smell nasty. When I ask them if they have ever had a load dumped on them they gag and say, "No Way!" You need to read my sexual memoir available in print or an e-book.
I took Betty’s advice here and read her memoir. It’s called My Romantic Love Wars: A Sexual Memoir, I really loved it, and I recommended it to a friend who is in the process of loving it right now. Betty says it out. She is honest, unabashed, funny, interesting, and very sincere and human (it also did answer my questions about how she traversed and feels about the 2nd wave feminist porn wars – which is why she suggested I read it in the first place). I very much recommend it, but remember what I discussed in the last blog. Betty has probably been into some things that you might not be about, but so the hell what – who reads a book to hear about crap they already understand, anyway? I say check it out (I mean for real - you can download it on her site for $1.99, if that tips the scales at all).
I also asked her a little follow-up question after I read it.
Me: In your memoirs, you talk about having what you called vaginal orgasms in your 20's. This was a time before you began stimulating your own clit during partner sex and while you were still infatuated by the Prince Charming and monogamous love fairy tale. Orgasms with men were, shall we say, not easy to come by. You wrote…
In order for me to have an orgasm from intercourse, there were a lot of requirements: he had to be handsome, intelligent, and have a good sense of humor. It was equally important that he was a good kisser and had a penis that stayed hard for at least thirty minutes or more. It was best if I got on top. In the fifties, any woman who wanted to be on top was called a “ball buster”, so I always asked permission first. Finally this near perfect man had to promise to only have sex with me, so it was no easy task to find someone who could fill all of those requirements.
Looking back, what do you think was actually physically happening to you to give you these rare orgasms?
BAD: Those early vaginal orgasms for me were always the result of indirect clitoral stimulation. That's why getting on top was so important. That way I could control my movements as I pressed my clit into his body. Even then, too often a lover would still try to control my movements from the bottom. It was always a struggle, never easy. Once I combined direct clit stim with vaginal penetration, I never again had a problem.
Thanks for reading my Betty Dodson series! Check out #1 and #2 and the Saturday Dodson Erotic Art Special if you missed them. Enjoy, and I would like to thank Ms. Betty A. Dodson (Ms. BAD if you’re nasty) for not only talking with me, but also for trying to change the world one orgasm at a time!
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