SNL Penis Rap S41 Ep11: The SSL Review

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This is an SSL Review of a skit called "At the Club" During Ronda Rousey's hosting in 2016. (You can find it HERE) For those who aren't familiar, here's the deets: SSL Reviews are only done for scenes that include depictions and/or discussions of female orgasm and/or masturbation. It doesn't necessarily say anything about the overall quality of a film or TV show - just those depictions/discussions. I'm looking for physical realism (is the physical thing happening to a woman while she orgasms actually a thing that could cause orgasm in women?), and I'm also looking for what part the scene plays in our cultural conversation about female orgasm and sexuality. So, thems the basics. If you want more TV SSL Reviews head HERE. Want some movie SSL reviews? Go HERE.

SNL Penis Size Skit (At The Club)
I have to say, I was super disappointed with this skit. It's getting a low vulva rating. Plus, I think they lost comic value by being status quo, but let me start in.

The story
So, there are 3 women at a club ( Aidy Bryant, Kate McKinnon and Ronda Rousy). They get approached by 3 men (Jay Pharoah, Taran Killam, and Beck Bennett). The ladies are all like, 'see ya. we're doing a girls night thing.' and then the guys are all over confident and like. 'I ain't worried if you're interested. We checking to see if you can handle us.' One guy, Beck Bennet, is clearly nerdier and less smooth than the other two.

Then the 2 smoother dudes start rapping exclusively about how big their dicks are and say things like,

"Got a D so big you can ride it like a boat. Throw it on the water, walk over it like a mote."
and
"I've heard people say mine's too much. I pulled it out my pants and I play double dutch."

There are cuts from time to time to the women, and we see them getting a little interested. Aidy Bryant even sexily purses her lips at them a little.

Then Beck Bennet starts in and says,

"Don't worry about mine, I'll go down on you."

It cuts right to the women who look at him, like, what the fuck? They are all confused and kind grossed out. Then it cuts to his friends looking at him like, WTF?

The two smooth guys continue to rap about their big dicks and between their parts Beck Bennet cuts in with the following lines:

"What if I just go down on you, and I don't take my pants of?"

"I throw you on the bed, my pants are on. My shirt is on. My hat is on. My socks are on. My jacket's on. Blurred Lines!"

"When I pull off my pants there's another pair of pants. Pants on. No negotiation."

"We've been doing all the talking. Let's let her talk. Like, what's your favorite fashion and way to dance? Is it bell bottoms and the boogie woogie or a satin blouse and the cha cha cha?"

He even pops in right after one of the guys sings about his massive penis and says, "must be nice."

 After all his lines, there is a cut to the women who are clearly not liking what he is saying. Aidy Bryant shakes her head 'no' at one point. and later says to him, "You're not even trying to rhyme." To which he replies, "I am trying!"

Toward the end, he just stops wrapping and kinda mumbles, "I got a great job, I'll go down on you. What are we even..."

He trails off and it cuts to the girls really unimpressed then back to him, where he says, "I don't love it, but I'll do it."

At the end, his friends and the women walk away from him, and he kinda desperately says to a random women walking by, "I got a small penis, but I'll go down on you."

My Thoughts
Okay, this is technically not eligible for an SSL review because it doesn't specifically talk about female orgasm or masturbation, but I'm reviewing because I think it actually insinuates heavily about female orgasm and I think it definitely places itself in the cultural conversation about female orgasm.

So, the insinuation with this skit was that big dicks are a way to entice women sexually. I'm not going to dog on that because hey - big dicks can be kinda fun for things. They look pretty, at least. But the skit further insinuates something problematic, I would argue, and that is that big dicks also give women orgasms. I say this because the guy who has a small dick gives his willingness to go down as an alternative to having a big dick. Kinda like he's saying he clearly can't satisfy them with his dick, but he can satisfy them with his mouth.

Let me say a few things:

• Women don't orgasm through stimulation inside their vagina (seriously - maybe a few women out there do, but scientists haven't actually identified them yet).  The insinuation that women do orgasm this way might come from a disturbingly common cultural assumption, but it's actually quite inaccurate, backward, and harmful to female orgasm
• Why were the women turning their noses up at a dude going down on them? Getting ate out is almost universally known to be awesome, but yet when it's going up against the possibility of intercourse with a big dick, it's like WAY lesser for some reason? That's some intercourse-centric bullshit. That comes from the sad and strangely deep feeling in our culture that real sex is intercourse and that it is hands down the best sex for all involved...which is completely counter intuitive to the uncontroversial truth that over 70% of women have NEVER orgasmed from intercourse. So, nice job keeping the terrible shit stain of a sexual status quo, SNL skit.
• Let me go back to this offer of a fully clothed man going down on you. So, this is not good? A woman would not want to leave a club with a dude who would make her come with his mouth and then not want to show her his stranger-danger dick??? She would not want to set back all satisfied and glad she didn't have to even worry about some sweaty dude assuring her he'll make her come with his dick, pounding on her for far too long because he drank a little too much and can barely get it up much less come in a timely manner? That's bullshit. I refer you to Bridget Everett's brilliantly hilarious, song, 'Put Your Dick Away.' 
• If a D is so big you can ride it like a boat, IT'S TOO BIG. Ain't no lady got time for that. Ain't no lady want to get with a dude trying to have a good time, but end up spending the night trying to contort her body so that he can't get his giganto dick in far enough to further bruise her cervix.
• The joke about guys having a small dick not being satisfying to ladies is not only inaccurate, but it's tired comedy. Let me put forth a better, more realistic, more fresh, and more funny direction this skit could have gone. It starts as before with the dudes rap-bragging about their giganto dicks and then instead of tired small dick jokes, it moves to a guy bragging about his average dick; about how comfortably he would fit, and how he would not bang their cervixes til they couldn't walk, and how actually he'll probably just jerk himself off while he eats her out, so the size of his dick doesn't really matter anyway...and other things like that. I'm sure starting from the premise, the SNL writers could come up with better stuff than I just did in 5 minutes. Anyway, my point is small dick jokes are usually stupid and kinda not on-point and there's better comedy out there.

The Vulva Rating
So, this SNL skit gets 1 vuvla. I am only giving a vulva out because there is some talk about eating out, and no matter the context I'll generally support that slightly. But otherwise, this song reinforced a misguided and wholey inaccurate sexual status quo that says interercourse is the ultimate in sexual interactions and that the bigger the dick the the more interested in and satisfied with it the ladies will be. And, it wasn't great comedy.

(!)

The UFC fight tonight and also hoping for more love out there in the world: a random SSL post

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Now, I'm gonna break from regularly scheduled programming today because, well, I just want to write about these today. One is a downer. One is an upper. Let's get the bad shit out of the way.

1 Man, yesterday sucked real bad for a lot of people: shootings and suicide bombings in Paris, a funeral bombing in Baghdad, Earthquakes in Mexico and Japan, and a suicide bombing in Beirut. My thoughts are with all of them, and I hope all the outcry makes for more living and loving and less violence and hate.

2 UFC #193 is tonight headlined with a fight between Bantamweight champ Ronda Rousey against Holly Holm. I very recently wrote a piece defending parts of Rousey's recent off-hand sex advice in Maxim, and one of the reasons I did that was because I have a soft spot for Ronda Rousey. She is a straight-up feminist AND she's straight-up top in her field, in skill and in peer admiration. I think she gets marginalized as a feminist sometimes. She and all the women in fighting sports should probably get more props in the mainstream feminist community than seems to be the case. They are crushing it in a sport that is still so heavily male centric and machismo-filled. They are hard-core, feminist revolutionaries in a field many of the internet feminist voices don't care about, but it doesn't matter because with or without them these fighters are blazing important trails.

Also, I think it's important to note that the UFC itself is part of this trailblazing. In January 2011 UFC President Dana White said there would never be women in the UFC. In November 2012 he signed Ronda Rousey. In 2014, The UFC reality show, The Ultimate Fighter was the first one to feature women and was used to crown the first Women's Strawweight Champion. All those women on there looked and acted as bad-ass and skilled as the men. It was super sweet. Men and women all over the world who had never thought about women actually wanting to do a sport where they got punched in the face, much less excelling in it, got a strong dose of reality. These women are changing minds of people who are strongly immersed in that machismo culture. These women are important to the feminist cause.

Yes, Dana White and the UFC took action for women much later than they could have, and yes they needed too much pushing to get there, but they did it, and they are treating the women in their program with all the respect they deserve. And you know what, they are promoting the fuck out of them too because they are seeing all the good it has done - for the women in their program, the women in their audience, and their bottom line. A recent article has Dana White's:

“This whole women’s power movement that’s going on right now is crazy. Ronda has been the whole thing. Ronda is the one that launched this whole thing. I wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for Ronda. She’s the one that convinced me to do it, and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made,” said White during Tuesday’s UFC 193 press conference.

And of tonights events, he says:

“We’re sitting here in Melbourne, Australia, where the main event and co-main event are women with a possible 70,000-seat arena sellout. It’s never been done in the history of combat sports. It’s awesome. It’s powerful. It’s cool. I’m really glad to be apart of it.”

And now here's the reason I originally decided to write this post. The UFC created this promotion for the fight tonight, and it's pretty bad-ass. For whatever the reason, they are truly promoting their women and taking their fights seriously, and because of this, their fans will too.

Maybe Ronda Rousey's Lube Comment Was Actually Kinda Progressive

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If, unlike me, you are not on constant vigil in order to see what's hot among the internet sexperts and feminist sex talk, then you might have missed Lubegate 2015. Here's the deal. Ronda Rousey was interviewed over at Maxim in the way one might be interviewed at Maxim. Some dudes wrote questions and she answered them. One question went in the following way.

 Dear Ronda: What should a guy NEVER do in bed? What should a guy ALWAYS do in bed? (Asking for a friend.) - Jack, 36, Los Angeles 

For what you should never do: Don’t bite my teeth! If my teeth are repeatedly hitting your teeth, then there’s a problem with what you’re doing. That freaks me out. I don’t like it. It’s terrible. I have a thing about my teeth. Even though I do a sport where I get punched in the face for a living, if your teeth hit my teeth more than a few times, I’m over it already. What should a guy always do? Take his time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, then you’re being lazy...and you’re not taking your time.

BTW "Bite my teeth" is a wierd way to say it, but teeth touching teeth in a kiss is a fair pet peeve.

the reaction (i.e. shut up and fight, Ronda)
Lots of the heavy-weight progressive online sites had writers jump immediately to their feet to tell Ronda to shut up about sex and that her advice was downright harmful and anti feminist-lady-sex. The Frisky, The Huffington Post, Jezebel and The Thrillist all jumped in, and there was a particularly long one at Salon. In general they all held similar objections:

• Sometimes, even if a woman is aroused, she doesn't get that wet, and wetter is better
• Menopause, aging, certain medications, dehydration, etc. can all cause a lower amount of lube than is needed to have comfortable sex, and extra lube is required in those cases 
• Anal sex and fisting and shit like that need lube 
• Calling people who use lube lazy is mean and creates unnecessary shame and pressure

In the end they all said something like, "you're a good fighter, Ronda Rousey, but keep out of the sex advice biz." Now, I can't argue with any of those points listed above. I also can't be mad about pointing those things out, and I can't be mad at those writers. They are largely lady-gasm allies, doing good work. Sex educators and sex writers are right to praise the work of lube. It is good and nice and fun and sometimes necessary. However, I think we as feminists and sexual advocates of all stripes can do better about building bridges, indulging in nuance, giving benefits of the doubt, and going that extra mile to really hear those we feel are saying the wrong things. So with all due respect and love, I'm gonna call all these critiquers out for causing a bit more negativity than there needed to be and for being too easily dismissive of something that hit outside their sexual-talking points comfort zone.

because maybe Ronda's kinda right...
Maybe all those bullet points up there are true, but Rhonda is kinda right too. Maybe Ronda's comments are actually kinda revolutionary. Maybe if we all calmed down and took her comments in context, giving this clearly non sex ed professional the benefit of the doubt, we could have created a teaching opportunity, a progressive and tough discussion, AND created a positive interaction with an outspoken, powerful woman that plenty of people listen to and look up to.

Ronda was responding to questions from men at a Playboy-like men's magazine. If we think about this as not some kind of let's-except-everything-and-everyone-in-a-non-judgmentally-way sexual education forum and instead see it as an in-your-face-as-fuck, sexual woman who knows what she prefers, giving no-nonsense sexual advice to a bunch of dudes, then well, maybe it's not so bad. She basically said that what men should always do during sex is make sure the women they are with are aroused. If they can't or don't care to do that, then they should go the fuck home 'cause they aren't willing to put in the time that the women they're with deserve. Is that sentiment really that backward?

maybe women need more people expressing that sentiment
I think we can assume Ronda's not an idiot. She knows your anus doesn't lube itself for anal sex and that there are medical conditions that might require some additional lube, but she wasn't being all nuance-y and sex educator-y here. She, I can only assume, was going from her own experience as a woman and making a bold, kinda progressive point. She was saying that sex shouldn't happen with unaroused women. Yes, yes, yes, I know you are saying that not getting wet does not necessarily mean a woman is unaroused, but you know what? Sometimes it does mean exactly that, and at this time in her life, it very well might mean that for Ronda.

And you know what else? I think her sentiment is one we should be taking more seriously, because sex with unaroused women happens more often than we'd like to admit. I dare say I think many women have had sex, consensual sex, where they were barely or pretty much not aroused at all. You can even find some recent writing by women about that HERE, HERE, and HERE. I'm talking about situations in which the woman could have been getting the kind of stimuli she needed and wanted but simply wasn't for whatever reason. It's a problem, a complicated problem, but I don't think it's a small problem or one limited to only a particular population. I think it affects a lot of people, and I think every time a woman has unarousing sex, it makes her body disassociate arousal from an impending sexual situations a little bit more.

maybe women deserve the same basic sexual courtesies we often afford men
Let's flip this switch and talk about the basics for a minute. For males and for females, one of the very first physical responses to arousal is extra blood moving down to the genitals. This gives men boners and it makes lube seep through the vaginal walls for women. I would argue that as a culture we are very aware (maybe sometimes too aware) of the physical signs of arousal in men and what they might mean to the sex act, but we are strangely ignorant of and dismissive of that for women.

When a man can't get it up in a sexual situation, it's often an 'all hands on deck' effort to make sure his body starts responding, and if it's just not happening, then maybe he's too tired or too drunk or stressed or on a particular medication or he's older and it doesn't get as hard as it used to. When a woman isn't getting wet, maybe too often the first response is, "get some lube and start going."

Now, you know you of course, so you do whatever works for you and your partner. However, maybe as a culture our first response shouldn't always be to get the lube. Maybe it should be 'all hands on deck.' How about if I put my mouth on it? Am I being too intense? Should we slow down? Should we speed up? Am I touching the wrong places? If it's not working, maybe she's dehydrated, or too drunk or on medication, or she's going through hormonal changes and doesn't get as wet as she used to, so either wait for a better time or feel free to break out the lube - whichever makes most sense. Hell, break out the lube at the very beginning if you want. If it helps with arousal - fantastic, but sometimes the focus is on getting the area wet instead of getting the body aroused. There still needs to be more attention paid to whether what is happening (including the use of lube) is actually physically arousing her or not.

The sad truth is men are not taught to or expected to really pay attention to the physical aspects of female arousal the way women are for male arousal. Would a woman buy it if a man who never got an erection at all suddenly orgasmed? It would seem unusual to say the least. However, women in porn often orgasm without their vulvas showing any sign of engorgement or discoloration related to arousal. And I assume that many a woman in her bedroom 'orgasmed' without ever getting wet and without her vulva ever engorging or darkening, and her partner never even thought twice about it because he doesn't even know what physically happens to ladies when they are aroused. We live in a culture that is not only ignorant about female orgasm but also about female arousal, so although there are plenty of reasons to use lube, there are also plenty of reasons to encourage men to care about and notice a woman's physical signs of arousal.

maybe Ronda's not such a bad sexual role model, actually
Maybe Rousey was saying some important shit.  Maybe it's a revolutionary thing to encourage men to pay attention to whether their female partners are aroused.  Maybe, saying that physical female arousal should be a non-negotiable part of a 2-sided sexual act is actually progressive as fuck and pro-female orgasm. Maybe as a culture we are a little lazy about making sure that women are fully aroused during sexual acts. Maybe we need to put a little more pressure on dudes to consider if what they are doing is actually arousing to the females they are with - because for the ladies, speaking up about what you like is one thing but also having a partner that asks, cares, and has a little basic knowledge is a whole other thing altogether. Maybe, just maybe, we should cut Ronda Rousey some slack on this.

In fact, I'm going to add her to the Orgasm Equality Hero's list. Yes, I realize all the things listed up there about lube that other people reminded us of, but Ronda Rousey failed to say, are completely true. I know that Rousey was more harsh and un-nuanced in her answer than I prefer when talking about this stuff, but you know what? She's one of the top martial artists of all time at the height of her career saying some off-hand shit for a slightly smarmy men's magazine. What other world-class fighter have you relied on to be gentle and nuanced in their words? She's direct and a little rash - so be it.

However, if you recall, I'm not interested in perfection or in people who are in complete and utter agreement with everything I stand for. I'm interested in common ground with people who are speaking in a unique, brave, sincere, progressive, and/or outspoken way about creating a better world for female sexuality and orgasm. I wrote a whole post about how we need to listen more carefully to each other and find points of agreement more if we are ever going to come together to start this new sexual revolution. Ronda Rousey and I have plenty of common ground on this.

She said some true shit that came from her own, honest experience as a healthy, young woman who thinks that the dudes she's with should be more than willing to do to her and with her what needs to be done in order for her to get and stay aroused.  Fuck yeah, to that.

A better approach, maybe?
So let me suggest a better way to approach this Lube-gate thing. It comes straight out of the improv handbook: Yes, and...

YES, Ms. Rousey, men should always take the time to make sure that their female partner is physically aroused, and should care about that, and we do live in a society that is lazy about paying attention to whether or not women's bodies are physically aroused and also lazy about investigating ways to actually physically arouse women in partnered sexual situations.

AND...Lube is still fun, sexy, and arousing to use and necessary for all kinds of situations. Using lube is not a failure, but you're right, not paying attention to and not working to facilitate your partner's physical arousal kinda is.

So, now I'm just going to put up some gifs of Ronda Rousey because she does amazing shit.

Ronda and one of her amazing throws against Miesha Tate. Found this HERE

The entire Ronda Rousey vs. Alexis Davis fight