Ramy Seasons 1 and 2 - The SSL REview

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Ramy - Season 1 - 2

So this is a Hulu show, and I'm not sure exactly how we heard about it, but it got a lot of good press since its release in 2019, so it could have been anywhere...or Hulu could have just told me to watch it in the way Hulu does such things. Either way, I'm glad we did. I'll be honest. I like it despite the main character. He acts too much like an actual dude I know, and it's a little annoying, but the surrounding cast, I really enjoyed, and there's some really solid storied in the (so far) 2 season series. 

Anyway, it follows Ramy, a 20-something and his family and friends living their lives in New Jersey (and maybe also in New York sometimes too?). Ramy is a first Generation Egyptian American. He lives with his mom, dad, and adult sister, and he's on a bit of a journey to understand what being a 'proper' Muslim means in his life. 

Anyway, I think it's well worth a watch, AND in the 1st season (there were none in the 2nd season), there were SSL Reviewable moments involving Ramy's mother, sister, and sexual partner. 

An SSL Review (for those that don't know about them)

Only depiction or discussion of female orgasm and/or female masturbation and/or the clit are eligible for SSL Review. Nothing else counts, including plain 'ol sex if it doesn't include anything listed above. I specifically critique the realism (for instance, were the physical things happening to that women while she orgasmed things that could realistically cause orgasm for a woman?) and also speak on what the depiction/discussion reflects from and adds to the larger cultural discussion around lady-gasms and female sexuality.

You can see all the SSL TV Reviews HERE (and as always you can find all the movie SSL Reviews HERE).

 

S1 Ep1 - Strangle me while I finger myself

Ramy is a Muslim guy, right? As is the case with most religious people, they ain't supposed to be fucking if they ain't married. We see he does indeed do that, though. We see it happen with a non-Muslim woman earlier, but later he's on a proper date with a Muslim woman. They ditch their escort and have a nice time together talking and such. They get back to her car, and she's into a kiss, but Ramy is taken aback a bit and basically says he just wasn't sure if she did that kind of thing, and she's like, 'Kiss?? Yeah, bro.'

So they do, and they are both into it and making out, and she tells him to get into her car. They continue making out, and when she reaches for his, pants, he's like...'whoa - whoa.' She asks if he's alright, and he says he is, so she asks if he has a condom. He tells her, 'yes, but, umm...' and she says, "What? You don't want to have sex?" So he goes, 'like, yeah, but I didn't know if you could - since we weren't married and all.'

So she tells him she didn't know he was that strict, and mentions possibilities for technically getting around the Muslim requirements while still having sex. He tells her he doesn't think they should, like, try to trick god or something, but that they should take it slow. She's like, 'OH! Cool - there's other things we can do.'

And from there, she straddles him as he's sitting in the back seat. They're still making out, and she says she wants him to strangle her while she fingers herself. He's like, "what?" and she reiterates it. He puts his hands on her neck. She has unbuttoned her pants and seems to be moving her right hand down at her crotch. He's clearly weirded out, and she tells him to for-real press harder on her neck. 

She's bucking her hips with her eyes closed and her hand down at her crotch.(we can't see it clearly, but seems like she's rubbing one out). She seems like she's building herself up to an orgasm for sure.  Ramy is clearly freaked out. In a kind of in disgust, but maybe more bewilderment, he keeps looking from her neck then down at her crotch where she's getting herself off, and then back up and repeat until he can't take it anymore.

He just stops and tells her he can't do it. He's not into strangling. She's disappointed and briefly protests, but quickly unstraddles him.

Lady Friend: God, you're so full of shit.

Ramy: What?

Lady Friend:  It's not the choking that's the problem.

Ramy: Look, it's just our first date, and I feel like this is happening...

Lady Friend: (cutting him off) What? You don't hook up on the first date?

He hesitates.

Lady Friend: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Ramy: Look, this is just, like, throwing me for a loop a bit. I didn't think that a girl like you was gonna wanna...

Lady Friend: A girl like me? Look, we had this like really nice night, and you felt weirded out by the idea of kissing me. I get it. You don't want to have sex, but I'm, like, in this little Muslim box in your head. I'm the wife, or the mother of your kids, right? I'm not supposed to come.

Ramy: (thinking for a minute) Okay, I'll choke you.

Lady Friend: (annoyed) God! just get out of my car.

I love this scene for a couple reasons. 

First, (and most obviously, if you read my blog), this shows a woman asking for a partnered sexual activity that would actually result in orgasm for her - which is basically rubbing her vulva/clit area with her fingers at the same time something else she finds erotic is happening to her - in this instance, choking. Point is, she is stimulating her organ of orgasm which is realistic for a depiction of someone trying to come...just as having something stimulating the penis would be realistic for a depiction of a dude pursuing orgasm. 

I love that this woman knew what could get her off and clearly asked for it, particularly because it is all too uncommon for real-life and depicted women to do this. I think this is largely because the things that actually get us ladies off are not generally the meat and potatoes of a hetero-sexual encounter - AKA any type of intercourse. Which, again you know if you read this blog, intercourse is straight trash for getting ladies off because the stimulation is focused in the vaginal canal instead of the external clitoral glans area (seriously, contrary to popular belief and popular depiction, banging sucks for lady-gasms). 

Point is, asking for things other than intercourse can easily feel ridiculous and 'extra.' Previous partners may have gotten weirded out or uninterested with that kind of ask. Or, given our sexual culture, neither partners may even really understand there are other valid options. So, it was cool to see a valid alternative depicted. I do wish her first go-to wouldn't have been intercourse, though (she first asked for a condom). It makes it seem like intercourse was still the first/better choice for her, even though the reality is that it's a much more shit option for her orgasm. That little ask kind of reinforces the idea that intercourse is still top dog, and everyone likes it and enjoys it the best. I'll give it all a pass, though, simply because it is so rare to even see a depiction of a hetero sexual encounter where a woman diddles her own clit/vulva area, so I'll take it where I can get it.

The second reason I love this scene is because it calls to attention a particular element of the Madonna/Whore syndrome (the idea that a woman can either be sexual OR maternal/good) that exists in the world. Obviously, overall that's a bunch of bullshit that sucks, but there is a specific element about what kinds of sex acts count as whore-ish that I felt was touched on here. Granted, intercourse is the big one we think about for causing a good woman to go bad - and that seemed to be at first where Ramy's head was, but then things expanded a little further, and it could be argued that this woman's focused interest in getting off was maybe even worse to Ramy.  

That she had a strong sexual urge that she needed itched and that really had nothing to do with his body - was maybe even more gross and foreign to him than the idea of a good woman wanting to bang. I mean even a wife and mother must have intercourse from time to time...but rubbing her own clit??? The freak out level that Ramy got to as this woman tried to bring herself to orgasm was telling. And, this was actually a fairly puritan sex act as sex acts go in the religious world. I mean, they weren't having intercourse (the big one, as they say), and he wasn't even having to touch her genitals or her, his genitals.  Her statement, "I'm the wife, or the mother of your kids, right? I'm not supposed to come," is poignant. Sure, women can have intercourse, but only with men they should be having it with. Women having purely selfish sexual desires bent on orgasm, though - desires that do not include the act of a man's penis inside her, don't seem to be that cool in any situation and might be the freakiest shit a woman can do. I don't know if that reading was the intent of the writers and actors in this scene, but her use of the word, "come," gave it that hue for me, and I think that is a nasty aspect of the Madonna/Whore syndrome that deserves more air time, so I appreciate it whatever the intent.

S1Ep6 - Showerbation

This is a simple scene of laby-bation-interuptis. Dena, Ramy's sister, was in a situation that was a bit sexy and/or exciting, and in the next scene she's at home taking a shower. She's in one of those sweet ass showers that I sometimes dream of where the water can come from more than 1 shower head at the same time. Anyway, it's a nice shower, in my opinion. So, there's the overhead one, and then there's a removable showerhead that can also be turned on, which she does, and guess what? She moves that shower head down towards her crotch and backs up to lean against the shower wall. She tilts her head back, and although we are only seeing shoulders up, it's clear she's working the clit/vuvla area and it's working her up towards an orgasm. Unfortunately, family knocking on the door and telling her to hurry up makes her stop before any orgasm, but it's still a clear and realistic depiction of a way someone might masturbate to orgasm.

I want to nitpick here a sec and say that the showerhead water pressure she used seemed ridiculously low to me, like really pathetic. I mean it was like, if I had to use that pressure to merely rinse off my body, it would be annoying as shit. Granted, shower heads are not a way I masturbate, so I may not know the finer details of it, but I imagine water pressure is important...unless she rubs the shower head against her vulva so it's getting both the feel of the water coming out and the actual pressure of the head itself???...instead of using the showerhead close to the vulva, but not touching, and letting the water pressure alone do the work??? Who's to know? Either way, though, the mechanics of this are sensible and realistic for the possibility of masturbating to orgasm - because either way there is the clitoral/vulva area simulation which is what a lady needs as much as a dude needs penile stimulations. 

Obviously, I love this scene because it is one more lady-bation scene, and every new one helps to normalize the idea that women masturbate. The more that is normalized, the more women will masturbate, the more likely it will be that a lady had masturbated to orgasm before ever having sexual interactions with another person, and the more likely she will be able to figure out what she needs in order to orgasm with someone else (i.e. that intercourse itself ain't gonna do it, and that her clit needs as much attention as any penis might).

S1 Ep9 - Hot mom and dad couch sex

This is a classic sex scene. Ramy's mom and dad are on the couch. Something gets them hot. They furiously begin kissing. They un-clothe only enough to get the dick in the vag, and she straddles him as he's sitting. The dick goes in immediately it seems, and she is furiously bouncing up and down. Her hands are around the base of his head. They are both panting to a boiling point and then they collapse on each other, out of breath. It was 35 seconds from beginning of the kiss to post-orgasmic collapse. There was no indication that either of them had hands stimulating her clit/vuvla area. There was no vibrator brought out to press against her clit/vuvla area. The bouncing she was doing was straight up and down, and their bodies were not angled or pressed against each other in a way that would indicate continuous (or really any) contact between her clitoral/vuvla area and his body/pelvis - no grinding against him at all. In other words there was no indication that anything other than the inside of her vagina was getting stimulated. However, because of the way both their vocalizations crescendo and then finish at the same time, it seems as through we are to assume they had an incredibly quick, passionate, simultaneous orgasm through intercourse. 

It's such a classic type of scene because it's how so much "passionate" sex is depicted - an incredibly intense, quick move from zero to bouncing on a dick to collapsing on each other in orgasmic bliss. 

It's bullshit. 

At least for the dick-less person. Like I said above, a penis stimulating the inside of a vagina does not an orgasm make...seriously. Contrary to very popular belief, there's not some magical spot in the vagina that causes orgasm when stimulated - at least no orgasm has been recorded from stimulating any of these "spots" in all of scientific literature; not the G-spot, the c-spot, the vaginal walls themselves, the cervix, the inner clitoral legs through the vaginal walls - none of these things people like to talk about as reasons intercourse can cause orgasms are backed up with any real physical proof. As close as it gets is that G-spot stimulations may cause ejaculation/squirting, but that is different than orgasm (in both males and females). Point is, this act described above is a super realistic way for a person with a penis to orgasm (and ejaculate - usually happens simultaneously for males) but absolutely not a realistic way for a person with a clit and vagina to orgasm (or even ejaculate - which is not that common anyway). It's an incredibly common depiction that makes it seem as if what is happening is equally orgasmic for both people, but it is not. It both perpetuates and substantiates the great lie that intercourse is as orgasmic for the ladies as it is for dudes.

We need less of these scenes. The more of them we see, the more we all assume this is the way to have a mutually orgasmic sexual encounter, the more abnormal sex acts that specifically include clitoral/vuvla area stimulation seem, the more ridiculous ladies will feel when they ask for that specific clitoral/vuvla stimulation, the less dudes will know that clitoral stimulations is necessary and not an extra cherry on top, and ultimately the less women will actually orgasm in partnered sexual situations (actually orgasm...not some level of acting out orgasm). 

The Vulva Rating

This is a mixed review. The first scene depicting a woman using manual clitoral area simulation to get herself off with a partner is unusual and refreshing, but the insinuation in the overall scene that it is her 2nd choice after intercourse softens its power. The masturbation scene is on point and a solid addition to the whole of media. The scene depicting Ramy's mom orgasming from intercourse that is realistically very unlikely to actually induce lady-gasm is a negative addition to cultural knowledge of lady-gasms, but it is not an uncommon type of scene or one that is outside the norms of our cultural understanding of lady-gasms (wrong as these understandings may be). 

The truth is when it comes to masturbation or a woman on her own, media depictions of lady-gasm tend to be more realistic, but when a women is in a partnered sex situation, depictions tend to be intercourse focused and incredibly unrealistic. Ramy follows those norms. In many ways, I feel like this overall depiction is the status quo. It doesn't take us back, but it doesn't put us forward either. So, in that way, I am giving it a fairly neutral rating. Ramy Season 1 and 2 gets 3 out of 5 vulvas.

(!)(!)(!)

PEN15 S1 Ep3 - The SSL REview

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PEN15 - Season 1 Episode 3

My sister came to visit me about a year ago. It was a heavenly experience in which only her and I were alone in a house with no responsibilities for about 4 days. We did, like, whatever the fuck we wanted, and it was the best. One of the things we did was watch all of PEN15. She had been watching it with her oldest daughter, and correctly assumed I would also love it. For those who need to know, PEN15 is just like a way to write penis without actually writing it - something someone, say in middle school in the early 2000's, might write in a chat or something. That's relevant because it's a show about 2 best friend, Anna and Maya starting 7th grade in the early 2000's. The very, very special part of this is that it is 2 grown ass women playing Anna and Maya, but the rest of their 7th grade cast mates are actually middle school age. Which could be a bit problematic considering Anna and Maya are always lusting after some of the young gentlemen in their class, but I actually think that this is done thoughtfully and without sexualizing the boys. Also, somehow, you do kind of forget after a while that May and Anna are, in fact, grown ass women. It just works somehow. 

Anyway, to me, it's a solid comedy. I highly recommend. It is also a really great story of girls and their inner adolescent life...which we really don't have enough of - especially compared to the stories of boys and their inner adolescent life - which honestly, we have quite a bit of from many perspectives and in a variety of cultural backdrops- particularly about their sexuality. I mean, how often have you come across a scene in movies or TV where a very young teen boy is sexually awakened somehow...I don't know, by any number of things - a Sears catalog, seeing a cousin undress, some porn their friends found, a hot teacher, some panties, a vaguely erotic book they found at the library - I don't know, really anything. It's just very common to see a 13ish year old boy, discovering sexuality and masturbations and generally making everything about sex and this growing need in their young life. It's much more rare to see that happen for a young teen girl. I imagine the issue is that this young adolescent sexual awakening time in a person's life is, well, exciting and meaningful and scary and weird and wonderful and it's just a lot. It's the kind of impactful part of our lives writers want to write about and directors want to direct about, and there's a lot of men out there doing the writing and directing. It makes it seem like this intensity of young sexual awakening is heavily in the domain of maleness and masculinity. As if dudes have this part of themselves that lady-types would never understand. 

Well, it's time we ladies put that notion to rest and started sharing the breadth and variety of young sexual awakening stories that we have as well - from a variety of perspectives and a variety of cultural backdrops. Our voices and our experiences deserve the light of day my friends, and this show is a lovely edition. Episode 3 is about masturbations, and I am pleased to SSL Review it.

An SSL Review (for those that don't know about them)

Only depiction or discussion of female orgasm and/or female masturbation and/or the clit are eligible for SSL Review. Nothing else counts, including plain 'ol sex if it doesn't include anything listed above. I specifically critique the realism (for instance, were the physical things happening to that women while she orgasmed things that could realistically cause orgasm for a woman?) and also speak on what the depiction/discussion reflects from and adds to the larger cultural discussion around lady-gasms and female sexuality.

You can see all the SSL TV Reviews HERE (and as always you can find all the movie SSL Reviews HERE).

 

The First Time and the other times: It's a lot

The Ponies started it all

The show opens with Maya playing something like My Little Pony's on the floor in her bedroom, cross-legged in a shirt and panties before bedtime. The ponies are having a conversation and then they start to kiss. The camera pans up to Maya's face as she looks up with a kind of dull inwardly focused expression. She looks back down as the camera pans with her, and we see that under her undies, her vulva is kind of cartoonishly pulsing. The camera pans back up with her eyes until we are looking at her in a bust shot. We see from her shoulders that both arms have moved down to her vulva area and they are moving around as her face goes quite blank, as if she might just drool out of lack of knowledge about what her face is doing anymore...but also with a touch of concentration. 

The shot then moves to behind her, seeing her whole body. It's obvious both hands are pressing against her vulva rhythmically as she gets a bit faster, and then we see the slight forward movement of her back curling her torso more into itself as if, well, maybe she is coming. The shot switches back to a close-up of her face, and we see her eyes shut for a hot second and an almost inaudible, guttural 'mmmph' comes from her mouth before she kind of 'wakes up' to the outside world again. At that, the camera moves back a bit to more of a bust shot, and we see her pull her hands up into shot where she touches her thumb to the tips of her fingers and sees the clear vaginal lubrication string between. Then she hurriedly wipes it on the carpet and runs into bed when her mom calls from downstairs about brushing her teeth.

She gets immediately back on the horse

Her second time is almost immediately after her first. After she hurriedly jumps into bed, and her mom comes up to kiss her goodnight, she tell her to leave the lights on and when she leaves, Maya turns down the picture of herself and Anna that is sitting next to the bed, pushes her comforter down to her knees and takes both hands and starts rhythmically rubbing her vulva over her panties. It cuts to the opening credits, so no orgasm in that one.

The ear hole and other sexy things

So that was her awakening to masturbation. She is pretty into it, and it also sort of awakens a sexuality in her - in that she is seeing sexuality in things that she never did before. It's comedy, so those things are kinda weird, but also not necessarily that weird. There's reality in a young person high on the realization that they can orgasm whenever they want exists getting turned on by things that would not turn on a person 20 years later. I also think that since this is a show with adult women and teen boys, that they were careful not to choose shots describing Maya's sexual interests that could also be sensibly seen as showing young boys in a sexually enticing way. I approve of that choice, and I also think it makes for better comedy.  Anyway below is a few of the things that Maya focuses on that seem to excite her sexual urges. We know they do because we see Maya look at them with the same dull, inwardly focused look on her face. There is also kinda tribal type music that starts playing as the outer world sounds drown away when her urges start arising, and she also doesn't pay attention to people talking to her and when she answers she kind of mumbles incoherently, like she's an idiot.

• At school: The ear (like ear hole), back of the neck at the hairline (these are all, like, ultra close-ups), the eyebrow, the bow of someone's glasses, elbows, the ends of some moussed boy-hair, the Gobi Desert in a doc they are watching 
• At dinner with her family: (also all in close-ups) fried chicken, sweating cherries, cut fruit, some type of calamary, I think.

Trying it in a bathroom stall at school. 

Maya tells Anna that she needs to poop, and Anna's ready to go in with her (because Maya usually wants Anna to come with) but she asks to be alone because it's gonna be extra stinky - and asks Anna instead to wait outside and make sure no one comes in. So, she's in the stall, a little nervous about getting caught even though no one is in there, and we are seeing her straight on from the waist up sitting on the toilet. She unzips and puts both hands down her pants, moving them like she did in previous scenes. She has the same kind of dull look on her face, and then closes her eyes a bit, saying quietly, "Sex. Sexual. Sex. Vagina. Vagina." You know, the kind of dirty sex talk a 7th grader might be into. It cuts to Anna outside who overhears something, so she comes in and talks to Maya through the stall. We again see Maya rubbing quicker, but Anna ultimately bothers her too much, and Maya quits before she orgasms. 

After school jerk-off marathon

 Maya closes all the blinds, turns off the lights, and goes into her closet, pulls her pants down and yells, "No one come in for an hour, I'm taking a nap!" She again has both hands rubbing on her vulva as she is standing in her closet tongue kissing a poster of some young dude. It's intercut with Anna on her bed singing to a song - it's actually a pretty good total scene. 

Anyway, Maya comes in a very similar way, with the inaudible "mmph" still standing, but with her face pressed against the closet doorframe expressing the same dull, inward look we've seen before. She pulls her pants up.

Then interspersed with scenes of Ana doing things, we see snippets of Maya masturbating in the following ways:

• On her knees on the bed with a pillow between her legs that she's pressing with her hands in towards her vulva and also humping
• Sitting on the floor, with her legs straddling a wall mirror so she's watching her vulva. One hand is rubbing her vulva area furiously. At this point her mom is calling her for dinner, so she has to stop and pull on her pants before her mom walks into her room, and before her mom leaves, she says, "What's that smell?" to which Maya says she ate sweet potatoes and farted. 

Dead Grandpa knows what you're doing, Maya

After dinner with her family, Maya's mother tells her somewhat off-handedly that her dead grandpa is watching over them all the time - even when she sleeps, which freaks Maya out, and she starts seeing him when she's masturbating or thinking about it. That night, she's sitting cross-legged on her bed, with footy PJs rubbing her vuvla area with both hands. Suddenly, her dead grandpa appears in front of her. She freaks out, and says, "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I wasn't doing what you think I was doing. I was just scratching."

Maya's like gross boys

There's another scene where we see Maya's guilt. The 3 boys Maya and Anna eat with at lunch are talking about seeing scrambled cable porn and Maya asks if they are talking about, like, masturbation. Anna says, "Yes, Maya, just ignore them, they're pervs." Then the boys say they heard about someone that puts peanut butter on her crotch so their dog will lick it, and Anna is totally grossed out and says she could never do that. Maya feigns being grossed out, but clearly gets the picture that she is gross for what she's doing and Anna would not approve. 

That afternoon, though, Maya lies to Anna saying they can't hang out because she's doing something out, and goes home and masturbates - A. LOT (that the after school masturbation marathon referenced above). Ana finds out, is mad, and eventually Maya tells Anna that it's not about Anna, it's about herself.  She sees dead people - specifically her dead grandpa. So Anna suggests they do Ouija board to see what he wants.

At home on this Ouija board Maya and Anna both place their hands on the planchette, swearing meither is moving it. They call on Maya's Grandpa and he spells out 'clit' and after that, they try again, and he spells out the first part of masturbation before Maya throws the planchette across the room. Soon after Maya's brother comes in, tells them they are idiots because Ouija is just one of them subconsciously moving it and leaves. Maya starts to cry. I

n the next scene Anna and Maya are sitting on the bed and Anna asks her what's wrong to which Maya says she needs to tell Anna her subconscious. They have the following conversation. Keep in mind - Sam is one of the lunch boys talking about masturbation.,

Maya: I'm like Sam, only I'm grosser because I'm a girl, and I'm a pervert, and I really shouldn't be doing what I'm doing. I've been putting my hands down my pants, um, my area down there to feel good. (She's crying as she's sayin it.)

Anna: Um, when I'm in bed, sometimes I put my hands between my legs to feel good. 

Maya: Really?

Anna: Yeah.

They both let out a tiny laugh 

Maya: Wait, you mean like this? 

Maya holds her hand up, palm facing out. Her 3 middle fingers are together and she draws small, gentle circles in the air. 

Anna: Not exactly, um, sort of

Maya: And you don't feel gross?

Anna: How gross can I feel if you do it too? (She says this with a little breath released at the end as if she's both embarrassed and relieved at the same time.)

Maya: Promise I'm not a pervert?

Anna: (whispering) Promise.

Maya: And swear you won't tell anyone?

Anna: Oh my god. I swear. You swear too?

Maya: I swear, yeah.

Then they pinky swear.

They masturbate on

In the next scene, we see Anna laying on her bed on her side hearing her parents fight, and she takes a breath and moves her arms down to press against her vulva area. It then cuts to Maya, who sitting on her bed, opens a National Geographic to pictures of sandy deserts. She traces her fingers across the sandy dunes that, honestly, do look a bit like a vulva. Then she sticks a hand down her pants. She then looks around, probably seeing if her dead grandpa is watching, doesn't see him, but then pulls the covers over top of her just in case. Then, through the credits, she seems to be humping her hand under the covers.

This, my friends, is a top notch episode for lady-gasms

If you read my blog, it's pretty obvious what I love about this episode. 

Normalizing Lady-bation

Firstly, there is the simple element of giving voice to the masturbatory/sexual awakening of the adolescent girl. It's just one perspective of this, but one more than we had before, and that's moving in the right direction. The more depiction in books, movies, and tv of girls masturbating, the more normalized it will become, and the more likely there will be more girls that feel more comfortable trying it...which is a gain for female orgasm.

Because, for the love of all things holy, ya gotta know how to get yourself off before you can have any chance at getting off with another person. I mean this is PARTICULARY true for those with clits and vags. A person with a penis can go into a sexual situation with another person and just do what they've seen in TV/books/porn, and it will be basically the right moves to get off (stick the dick in something, vag, anus, fist, mouth - and move it in and out), so they at least have a good chance. 

When the ladies do what they see, read, hear about (get a hole filled with something that moves in and out of it) they have like zero chance because that ain't what makes an orgasm for the ladies (seriously. it's really not a thing even though everyone thinks it is. Seriously. I can't stress this enough. I made a whole movie and over a decade of blogs on this basic premise that people generally, for some reason, really don't want to recognize). Rubbing the clitoral/vuvla area to orgasm is not what one usually thinks of when they think of 'sex,' even if it is often thought of as how women masturbate. But, that is basically what does in fact cause orgasm for the ladies - at least as much as getting the penis rubbed causes it for dudes. But ladies sure the fuck shouldn't count on that clit simulation just happening in a partnered sex situation the ways dude's can count on penis stimulation happening to them in even the most naïve sexual encounters. 

All that to say, if the ladies want any good chance at all to come with a partner, we need to know how to come by ourselves, and any media that makes that more normal or enticing is doing The Good Work. 

Realism

Also, this was realistic masturbation/orgasm depictions. That's important, because if this were something like girls ramming themselves with cucumbers or something to get off (which is an all too common depiction), it would be ridiculous and unrealistic in a variety of ways. 

1 - again, ramming things in holes is not a realistic way the person with the hole gets off - like anatomically and physically it just doesn't make sense and has never been documented in scientific literature (again, seriously). 

2 - on surveys about how they masturbate, ladies almost unanimously stimulate the external clit/vuvla area - with hands, shower heads, vibrators, furniture, bedding, while on their back, on their stomach - whatever. Point is, just as was depicted in this show, masturbation for the ladies is usually some form of getting the clit/vuvla area rubbed, and that is an anatomically, physically realistic way to attain orgasm. So, bravo with that PEN15.

I also want to commend the chill nature of the orgasm depiction. Way too often, lady-gasms are depicted as loud, physically overactive, or like, earth shattering in some way. My guess is that's because people are used to women faking orgasms and over-doing the sounds and the movements. With some exception, men depicted orgasming are much closer to how Maya depicted it - maybe slightly louder, but not all crazy vocalizations like we see from ladies most of the time. That, I believe is simply because we're used to seeing men actually orgasm, and actually orgasming has a strong element of being inward and focused, and it's probably not as insanely amazing as media makes it out to be. 

I mean, I love me an orgasm, even a little wimpy one, but shattering into a thousand pieces and becoming one with the universe, as one might read in a romance novel or something, is not really how most people would describe most orgasms. My point is, I like seeing women having orgasms that seem like actual orgasms and not performances about how orgasmy they are. Particularly with a young gal like Maya just trying and learning about her orgasm, she's probably at a fast-and furious stage which is good, but it's probably not the strongest orgasm she'll ever have. One day, she may build up that physical arousal more slowly, edge a bit, have a good understanding of what she needs to do when to get the timing right, and probably have a stronger orgasm when she so chooses, but she needs to do a lot more jerk-off experimentation before that happens, and even then, ya know, it's just an orgasm, not an existential rainbow bursting out of your junk. So, I like the subtly here. 

Vulva Rating

This gets a full 5 Vulvas. It's depictions are realistic. The actions were sensibly actions that could get a lady off. The vocalizations were not overdone and porny - and actually quite subtle and nice for the 1st orgasm of your life situation. The whole episode normalized lady-bation. It touched on the shame that arises from masturbation, particularly as a girl, and then put it to rest with friends admitting to each other that they both do it. It was also just a funny and sweet addition to the adolescent sexual awakening genre, one that has too few voices from the ladies. 

Well Done Maya and Ana. 

(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)

Shit Sex for the Ladies in Shameless: An SSL Review

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Shameless

I'm on the 9th season of Shameless right now. People had been telling me to watch it for a while , and I finally did, and since me and Charlie are champion TV watchers, we've burned through it pretty damn quick. I believe the last season, season 11 is happening now, or will be happening soon, so we're almost through it. 

Shameless has a pretty fair amount of sex in it, and ya know what? Most, close to all really, of the sex is trash. And by trash I mean trash for the female orgasm. 

A different kind of SSL Review

Normally I do SSL Reviews (reviews specifically of depiction or discussion of female orgasm and/or female masturbation and/or the clit or cunnilingus) by getting deep into each and every instance of those things. I'll detail what happened, how realistic it was (could the physical thing happening while that character came realistically be something that could cause a female to come?), and what part it plays in the larger cultural understanding of lady-gasms and female sexuality. I like the idea of having these detailed discussions of every scene in a show or movie because I thinks it will be cool some day for someone to look back on. 

I got kinda bored with Shameless though, and the idea of detailing out every bang against a wall where the lady-character kinda screamed and vocalized like she probably came made my ass tired just thinking about it. Plus, I think the whole of Shameless is maybe the more interesting story here because I think it so closely parallels how sex, lady-gasms, and female sexuality are depicted in the larger culture - which is unrealistically. 

All vagina-banging no clit

The main takeaway here is that there's a lot of sexual activity in Shameless and most of it is a dude banging his penis in and out of a lady without any hands or vibrators stimulating her clit and also without a sense that her vulva/clit area is even in a position during this banging that would allow her to grind it against his body or anything else. Sometimes in these scenes they both kinda vocalize in a way that one might assume means they both came simultaneously. Sometimes the lady specifically is depicted as coming, and sometimes it ends before the orgasm part. Very occasionally it seems like the dude came, but she didn't. No matter what though, there was never - NEVER - a scene in which there is some kind of stimulation to the clit/vulva area along with intercourse. 

I mean this isn't uncommon. Intercourse in movies, TV and porn, pretty much ignores the clitoral glans vulva area whether there is a depiction of female orgasm in the scene or not. That's just the way it is. A penis moving in and out of a vagina is depicted as enough. It's enough, in and of itself, as a sex act - no matter what happens, but it's often depicted as enough to get a female to orgasm. The crazy part is, though, that it's a bunch of made-up bullshit. 

Women need clitoral glans area stimulations to orgasm as much as men need penile stimulation. These very normal depictions are like showing dudes coming from rubbing their asses without any penile stimulation...and no one seeming to care or even notice how bonkers it is. Seriously, no orgasm caused from stimulation inside the vagina has ever been physically recorded in all scientific literature. Seriously. And it's not like people (and tons of scientists) haven't been desperately trying to prove once and for all that women can be banged into an orgasm for almost a century now. They've pushed the idea of the G-spot and the 'inner clit' as possible reasons that women might orgasm from inner vaginal stimualtion, but never, ever has anyone ever shown that this 'other' 'vaginal' orgasm even exists. So, my point is, all these very common and very absurd depictions of women getting banged into orgasmic ecstasy both reflect our culture's deeply incorrect assumptions about how lady-gasms work and also help to keep those ridiculous assumptions alive and well in our psyche. 

So that's the bulk of what's happening sexually on the show, but I did take a few notes on a couple more specific interesting situations, which I will describe below.

Dear, let me not give you an orgasm for de-stressing purposes

I think this is one of my favorites because it's so stupid. The character Fiona is in bed with her boyfriend. She's stressed out, and so he decides to give her a sexual gift. He starts fucking her, as in banging her missionary. He tells her to just breath and let him do all the work. So she's just laying there, and he's just pushing in and out of her (their bodies are under the covers, but it's pretty clear what's happening) like his dick is a golden orgasm wand, and then she comes, and he doesn't. What a gift! 

Listen, if a dude wants to 'gift' you an orgasm and he starts banging you, then just know the only gift you will be getting is a dick in your vagina and the chance to fake an orgasm so he will stop. Clits do lady-gasms make, people...not dicks. 

For real, though, if that scene was not a crystal clear misunderstanding of how female orgasms happen I don't know what is. I mean even the idea of asking her not to movie is extra looney. If, perchance, a lady is able to get her clit enough stimulation to come by rubbing it against the pelvis of the person fucking her vagina, she's sure as shit gonna need to be controlling the fuck out of how her clit is grinding - the pressure, the angle. The idea that a dude could just fuck on a motionless lady to make her come is truly bananas. 

The lone lady-bation

This one I like for the opposite reason. It's probably the very best scene for lady-gasms in the whole series. The character Debbie is at some kind of commune. I'll skip the details of why, but she is in a tent for women and an older woman gives her a big ol' Hitachi Magic wand style vibrator to use to relax her. Debbie basically says she's never masturbated before, and the woman tells her it's liberating and leaves her alone to do it. Debbie looks at it. The scene cuts, and then later we come back to her laying back, clearly satisfied from a good ol' orgasm. 

It's a pretty basic scene, but I think it's the only time in this show that a woman or girl explicitly discusses masturbation (I'm not 100% on that, but if I'm wrong I'm not wrong by much). There's plenty of ladies in this show that are VERY sexual and various elements of their sex lives are discussed and depicted, but they are all with dudes or occasionally other women. 

In contrast, I believe every single male main character in this show has explicitly had their masturbation habits discussed or depicted more than once. One teen male character is even masturbating in the opening credits that play in front of all 9 seasons so far. One of the male characters was just a boy...maybe early middle school and had multiple shows with numerous discussions and depictions of his masturbation habits. 

Cunnilingus. 

It does happen on the show occasionally, but unless it's 2 women, it is not a staple. Often, it's something that happens at the beginning of a sex act - as a little warm up, and the dude moves up to fuck before any orgasm is had. I've never seen a female character on the show say anything about preferring it. It's more likely to hear a female character talk about interest in a big dick. Listen, I like that it's in the show at all, but just as in the culture at large, it tends to be just a quick side dish when it's there at all.

Cunnilingus. With a splash.

There is one exception. The character Lip has a girlfriend that he's been fucking. After a few episodes of this, we see him coming up as if he just finished eating her out. She says something like, 'that was great. I wasn't sure if you'd be good at it. Are the sheets drenched?' Turns out she ejaculates when she comes. She says  to him that's how she comes sometimes, and he asks her why she never came with him before. She tells him that she can only do it when she's really comfortable with a dude. He loves it. She loves it. His friends are impressed when he tells them about it. 

I like the idea that female ejaculation is depicted - and in a good light. I even think the way it happens is not unrealistic. Female ejaculation, like male ejaculation, is a different thing than orgasm. Squirting stuff out is not an orgasm, but for males, unlike for the vast majority of females, the two happen mostly simultaneously. There's not nearly enough data about female ejaculations, but clearly there are some women that can get them from manually stimulating the female prostate that sits around the urethra which sets on the outside of the vaginal wall, low and toward the stomach. That's just an ejaculation though (unless you were able to stimulate the clitoral glans area at the same time, and get the ejaculation and orgasm to pop off at around the same time, though). 

That manual stimulation of the prostate area seems to be the most common way female ejaculation happen, but from anecdotal stories in books and papers I've seen on the subject. It also seems like there are some women, and it must be fairly rare, where their orgasm triggers an ejaculation similar to what happens for men. This is what I would imagine happens for this girlfriend character, and that explanations seems sensible enough to me given that she was getting a clit licking that ended in orgasm (as it sensibly could) along with ejaculation.

So, that's all good, but I do feel like also there was a sense in this whole storyline that ejaculating was not just a cool-ass rare thing that happens to this woman when she's stimulated correctly, but that it's a symbol of her higher sexuality and Lip's exceptional prowess as a lover. That feels a little gross to me especially because female ejaculation is becoming quite popular in porn as a 'higher level of female sexual pleasure.' It's often faked, but it, like orgasming from nothing but a penis banging one's vagina, is just one more thing that women are expected to do in order to be properly sexual even if it's simply not something their body is capable of.

Bang me, but do it in circles...Screw me...I guess?

Okay - this one I find hilarious too...mostly because it feels like the writers got their sex advise from a 1950's marriage manual. This is the character Lip again, but with a different woman. He hooks up with her at a wedding. She's drunk, and they do it in a closet, standing doggy with her bent over a deep freezer or something. She pukes during it, and he's maybe a little less into it than he normally is this type of thing. Otherwise it's just a normal in-out bang. 

So he sees her again and asks her out on a real date, but she's a complete asshole and tells him to basically fuck off because it was the worst sex she's ever had. (Honestly, what is she comparing it to - other sex she had that also didn't involve her clit and also didn't make her come. What the hell was she expecting from the non-clit involving doggy fuck she was getting into?) 

So, she tells him it was "jabby" and he just kept jabbing, and he should have fucked her hard. (So the answer to my questions is that like far too many women, she doesn't orgasm during intercourse, doesn't seem to understand that's a problem or how to fix it -I mean most dudes don't either so we're all fucked aren't we? - and so she desperately wants something, anything else from the sex to make her feel wanted and excited and as if the sex was worth it...and what better way to feel that than to have the dude fuck your brains out so hard that you don't even know what happened? - for real though I think that's some real shit women feel but don't realize they feel). 

Anyway, for some inexplicable reason he later does end up dating her even though she is still just the absolute worst asshole, and they end up having sex again in her car. She says it was a 6 out of 10. It wasn't jabby anymore, but it was thrusty. Then she tells him he has to rotate. 

Rotate. Seriously. 

I imagine the kernel of truth that is behind this is that if a woman is going to ever possibly come during intercourse without actually manually (or vibratorly...I'm gonna say that's a word) stimulating her clit during it, it's going to be because she is able to get into the right position to grind her clit against his pelvis while his dick's still inside her. And let's be honest, he's probably gonna have to stop moving and stay fucking still so that she can keep the kind of constant pressure against him she likes and grind it how she needs it grinded without him fucking up her movements. This situation is not the ideal clit stimulating situation, so it's precarious, and him trying to move in an out is a straight clit killer...in my humble opinion at least. 

Anyway, that's probably the kernel of why people may have gotten the idea that grindy or rotatey is better than poundy, but here's the deal. Either way we're talking about him doing the movements and about how the dick is moving in the vagina...which is realistically not going to make her come no matter how you do it. What she should have said was, "it sucked because my clit was not even an after thought. You were just getting your dick off in my vagina, and what needed to happen was something should have been diddling my clit, so I could actually come." But because the world has such strange, backward, misunderstandings of lady-gasm, this lady character is out here telling this dude character that he needed to rotate more. 

The other reason this is hilarious to me is that I know specifically that this rotating advice was something popular in marriage manuals of the 1950's because I learned that when I was doing research for my movie. And recently Charlie and I got ahold of some old 70's porn - like the stuff that was real high budget and in the era when there was hope that porn and mainstream cinema could be merged in a particular way...and all those dudes were rotating as they pounded. Like, there was a distinct difference in the way you see dudes generally pound in porn today, and we both thought it was hilarious because it seemed like they were going off that 50's advice they snuck-found in their parent's marriage manuals when they were teenagers. The women were still not getting their clits stimulated and still faking, but...at least the dudes were rotating more?

The Vulva Rating

This was not a traditional SSL Review, but I am still going to give it a Vulva Rating, and it's not a good one. 

This show is chock full of lady-gasms depicted as happening from physical activity that in no way could realistically give a woman an orgasm. Although this is not uncommon, it is a net harm to women's ability to learn correctly about their orgasm and how it can be achieved in partner sex, to feel empowered in asking and expecting activities during sex that stimulate their organ of sexual pleasure (their clit), and in educating men about what a sexual act that is orgasmic for females actually looks like. 

It's also chock full of men and boys masturbating, but not women and girls, which makes it seem like lady-bation is rare, weird, and that sexual women are sexual because they fuck a lot and masturbation isn't really part of it. Those ideas are already strongly out there keeping girls and women (more than boys and men) from exploring their own bodies and theri own orgasms. This show just reinforces it, which sucks.  

Overall, there are some moments where there is genuinely realist depictions of female orgasm...like when a woman goes down on another woman until orgasm, but they are few and far between. Shameless is a very sexual show that, not unlike our sexual culture as a whole, is informed about and focused on male sexual pleasure, fantasy, and orgasm but deeply and arrogantly misinformed about female pleasure, fantasy and orgasm. 

I'm giving this series 1 out of 5 vulvas. I'm feeling nice because there are at least a few good moments in there. Also, I still have more of the series to go. I, arrogantly, don't think my opinion will change, but if it does, I'll update here.

(!)

Wanderlust S1Ep1 - The SSL Review

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Wanderlust

This is a British TV series, but I caught it on Netflix. I really liked this show, and bonus, it involves a long-time married couple's sex lives, so there are things to SSL Review. Overall this show was on-point about ladygasms. There are maybe a few imperfections, but definitely better than I would expect from a show in general. The first episode got me excited about its treatment of female sexuality, masturbation, orgasms, etc. and this episode is what I'll be reviewing today. Go check out this show. I recommend it.

An SSL Review (for those that don't know about them)

Only depiction or discussion of female orgasm and/or female masturbation and/or the clit are eligible for SSL Review. Nothing else counts, including plain 'ol sex if it doesn't include anything listed above. I specifically critique the realism (for instance, were the physical things happening to that women while she orgasmed things that could realistically cause orgasm for a woman?) and also speak on what the depiction/discussion reflects from and adds to the larger cultural discussion around lady-gasms and female sexuality.

You can see all the SSL TV Reviews HERE (and as always you can find all the movie SSL Reviews HERE).

The First Scene: sorry, but this sex is trash

Joy is standing at the foot of the bed looking at her husband Alan. She has a cane and some kind of brace on her arm. It's clear from this and some intercut scenes that there had been a bike accident in her past. It seems like maybe this is a scheduled first attempt at sex after the accident.

Alan: Ready?

Joy: As I'll ever be.

We then see the two in bed, under the covers missionary style. He's pushing in and out of her slowly.

Joy: sloooowwww (softly to him)

Allen nods and continues the slow fucking, but then Joy scrunches her face up in pain, and Alan stops.

Alan: what?

Joy: No, it's good. (unconvincingly)

Alan: Good?

Joy: You know what I mean

Alan: Surely you want it to be better than good?

Joy: You're telling me pal! (with a laugh)

Alan: Joy, come on. (annoyed and a bit exasperated)

Joy: No, I'm sorry, sorry sorry. I'm just. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm really self conscious.

Alan: That makes 2 of us.

Joy: Well if you just, I mean, more of technique to kinda get in that way. (kind of angling her lower body)

Alan: Sorry? Technique? (pissed)

Joy: You know what I mean. (exasperated, but softening)

Alan: Nooo. No, I'm not sure I do, actually. I'm not the one with the problem, Joy. So don't try and needle

Joy: I'm not trying...

Alan: away at my craft

Joy: (smiles - trying to lighten the moment) ...Your craft?..I'm sorry skilled woodsman. You're right. We really need to work on it. (laughs some more)

Alan: You know what? instead of making jokes...

Joy: No -alright, all right (becoming more serious and trying to pacify the situation).

Alan: ...I'd like to finish, please. (Gets off her) I think you've been using all this as an excuse.

Joy: What? (incredibly offended)

Alan: And I think you have been for months. I don't think you want to have sex with me, Joy.

Cuts to alarm ringing in the morning. 

Alan gets up and goes to shower. Joy opens her eyes and reaches down under the covers, obviously masturbating. Her son suddenly opens the door and asks where his shoes are. As one might expect, She stops abruptly. They talk for a second. He's maybe a little weirded out from the what he maybe might have kinda thought he walked into. Then he leaves and the scene ends.

The Second Scene: once or twice a week

Tom, Joy's son, is walking to school with Michelle, who seems to be a close friend.

Tom: Here's a question. How often do you masturbate?

Michelle: Nice.

Tom: I'm interested.

Michelle: Why?

Tom shrugs.

Michelle: Once or twice a week

Tom: You're kidding. I'm at once or twice a day at this point.

Michelle: Well, you're nothing if not thorough

Tom: I think I walked in on my mom having a wank.

Michelle: Shit. I think that means the world has to pretty much explode now.

Tom: I'm just saying...

Michelle: She's allowed to masturbate.

Tom: But I thought old people were supposed to go off sex. It's like Darwin and shit.

Michelle: Your mum isn't that old.

Tom: She's pretty old.

The Third Scene: wanking in office bathroom stalls

So turns out Alan works at a school, and he's talking with Claire, his friend and coworker, who had just that morning walked into an office and found another male coworker with his pants down having an early morning jerk-off session.

They are discussing it and Claire says, "You know. The crazy think is, I don't know why he doesn't just use the disabled toilet like the rest of us."

The SSL Assessment

All the Lady-bation

So, I think the first and most obvious observation is a clear overall insinuation from these 3 scenes that women do in fact masturbate. All the women we're introduced to, all different ages - Joy, Michelle and Claire - we watch them admit through words or actions that they wank (if we're going with the British theme here), and without any real shame depicted in association. I mean, granted Joy's son walked in on her and stopped her cold, but that's just not wanting to rub off in front of your son -  not really a show of shame. Otherwise, from the look on her face, she had been clearly enjoying the masturbation. 

The ladybation admission is important because there is still a stronger, harsher stigma on female masturbation. Masturbation itself doesn't exactly have a stellar rep for anyone, but for boys and men, it is so seen in our media, and it's often depicted as an inevitable part of manhood and maleness. This is not true for the ladies, which is really sad because we ladies need to know that masturbation is a valid part of femaleness, that it's something other women do and that it's not bad or strange. We really, really, really, need to know this specifically because masturbation is a lady's best bet at orgasm in this sexual culture. Of course, masturbation for anyone is the best way to learn what one likes and how to get to orgasm. I mean, of course we should all be our own first partner. 

It's just that for females there is a double whammy of masturbation. First, it's less normalized/seen/accepted which translates to less women doing it, particularly at pre-sexually active ages. Second, masturbation for females is even more important for learning to orgasm than for males because the odds of a lady just stumbling into an orgasm blindly during partnered sex, without having previously taught herself how to get there, ain't great - ain't great at all. I mean, if a boy has basic ol' hetero sex before he ever masturbates, all the correct stimulation should still be there to get him to orgasm. All he or his partner needs to know is that the penis moves in and out of the vagina. They get that right, and that's great orgasm stimulation on the penis. A girl in that same situation, however, does not get the stimulation on her organ of sexual pleasure, the clitoral glans. All she gets in this scenario is stimulation on her vaginal walls, and contrary to popular belief, an orgasm caused by just that has never ever been physically recorded in all of scientific literature - and that's with over half a decade of research trying to prove females can come merely from a penis moving in their vagina. Unfortunately, getting banged into an orgasm simply doesn't seem to a real thing (seriously - like for real, for real). 

So not only do ladies live in an environment that is less conducive for masturbation, but they also have sexual interactions that are less conducive for orgasm...so the ladies get fucked twice, and the boys get a leg up twice. It's not an even playing field, so anything that helps lady-bation feel more possible and normal will up the odds a lady will masturbate, upping odds that she will have orgasmed at all, which should then up the odds she will know how she might orgasm again - possibly even in a partnered situation (spoiler alert: how she might orgasm again in a partnered situation is just by doing the things that made her orgasm alone...but incorporating another person into it).

Sex vs. masturbation: orgasm matters

Okay the other thing I want to point out relates to that first scene. I mean, the high level takeaway from it is that Joy, for whatever reason, wasn't into the sex with her husband, but she was into masturbating. 

The question is why? There's more later in this show that speaks to this, but just from what we saw, one might think that, yeah, she doesn't want to have sex with him, just like he said. One might think that maybe she's being a bitch because she's depriving her husband of the sexual interaction he really desires, but not because she's not into it, but because she's not into it with him...since she does it on her own.

Okay, maybe...but actually no. The only way one could really see it that way is if one were under the incredibly incorrect assumption that him simply moving his cock inside her was in any way equivalent to her masturbating, and they are not. I could forgive someone for seeing it that way because as a culture, we do hold strongly to a stupid and unsupported idea that intercourse is the same type of  orgasmic event for the penis person as it is for the vagina person. It's patently not. It's a sex act that does all the right stuff for getting the penis off and very little if anything for getting the clit off. 

So, let's just put this in a clearer view. A woman that has been injured and has pain, is opening her legs so that her partner can masturbate his penis inside her vagina to orgasm. She is not getting orgasmic stimulation in this situation and she is feeling actual pain. She is having a shit time and he's getting the possibility for orgasm. And that mother fucker gets mad at her? for not being excited enough? for putting her 2 cents in for how it could be more enjoyable? For allowing him to rub his penis inside her even though it's painful? Fuck that guys's face to the moon. He can fuck right off. And, yet she feels bad. When he gets mad, she tries to comfort him and tell him it's fine. I mean really. 

Take this exchange:

Alan: Surely you want it to be better than good?

Joy: You're telling me pal! (with a laugh)

Alan: Joy, come on. (annoyed and a bit exasperated)

Joy: No, I'm sorry, sorry sorry. I'm just. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm really self conscious.

Alan: That makes 2 of us. 

Really Alan? That makes 2 of you? You're both actually in pain, and you're both getting your organ of sexual pleasure ignored because you have a hole that your partner wants to wank into? Nah. Alan, if you want to see something close to what it's actually like to be in the same boat as Joy, then you need to be getting a dildo up your inexperienced ass (no reach-around included) while you vibrate your partner's clit. Then take time and energy to placate her when she gets offended and mad after asking her to be patient with you, telling her an angle you'd prefer, and expressing your pain. Do all that knowing from experience that she's on the road to orgasm and you are not.

I have more to say, but before I move on, I want to dig into the pain part here a touch more.  Joy was doing this even though she was in actual pain. What fucking sense does it make to pursue orgasm while the thing happening that's supposed to cause you orgasm is instead causing you pain? (I swear ya'll better not @ me about S&M stuff). Why would she even try to keep going? I mean, the real deal is she wasn't doing it for an orgasm. She could jerk off if she wanted that. She was doing it to be nice to Alan; to allow him her body in his pursuit of orgasm. Even though we as a society act like we think a basic fuck is a mutually orgasmic experience, I think deep inside we all also know it's not. That's why women push through all kinds of pain during intercourse; from shitty first times to being too dry to getting your cervix excruciatingly banged. We know it's not really about us. It's about that dick getting off, and the person attached to the dick also knows it. It's a secret unspoken agreement that we don't even want to think about. And when Alan gets mad, it's not just about her 'making up the pain.' It's also about her unwillingness to endure whatever pain or bother to get him off inside her, something one can only assume he had been previously accustomed to (and I am aware they are character, not real people). 

Too many sex acts, too little orgasms

But moving on, I really like this Joy / Alan scene because it feels super rich and poignant to me. It hits at the heart of the female experience of sex, particularly in a long-term relationship. The simple, physical truth is that basic intercourse is great for male orgasm and absolute shit for female orgasm. So, please just imagine how many sex acts involve a man coming and a woman not coming. That's a hard pill to swallow, but stick with me here, because now imagine a wife avoiding sex or trying to speak up about other things she'd rather do, or different ways to have sex. It can seem incredibly odd if not completely fucked up of her to do that if one assumes (and we all do to some extent ) that intercourse for her is as exciting and arousing and orgasmic as it is for the person ramming their penis in her vagina. Why would she ever want to avoid that pleasure? Is she fucking crazy, or physically cold and dead inside, or mean and withholding, or dumb? I mean, that's another level in why Alan got pissy and why she got all sorry about it...because her actions don't feel sensible.

But. They. Are. So. So. So. Sensible. It makes complete sense. Ya wanna know why she wasn't into fucking her husband but was into masturbating the next morning. Because she wanted a goddamn orgasm. Given how deep our incorrect assumptions about intercourse are, she, like many a woman out there, may not be able to verbalize that, but that's the real deal. If we open our eyes and see clearly how often women are in sexual situations where they are expected to find orgasmic pleasure, but no way sensibly could attain that orgasmic pleasure given the physical nature of the sex, then so many of women's ambivalent or negative reactions to partnered sexuality make All. The. Sense. In turn, men's negative reactions to women's ambivalent or negative reactions can be seenvas desperately selfish.

Anyway, that's what stuck out to me about that scene. Joy had an actual injury with pain, maybe, but even if she didn't, that interaction was a version of a category of interactions that many a female has had with their long-term male partner. And the roots of those interaction are in the multitude of scars and twists and misunderstanding brought about by thinking ladies can get banged into an orgasm.

Vulva Rating

Clearly, my top SSL highlight in this episode is that it helps in normalizing lady-bation in the culture - and in ladies of a variety of ages. That is well received at this blog, and is helpful to the cause of Orgasm Equality.

I also love the depiction of the couple's sexual interaction because there is some rare intimate long-term couple realism that I appreciate. Although I break this scene down above in a way that probably most viewers would not have any reason to consider, I think there is still some value in an uncritical viewing.  For instance, I think it is certainly played in a way that the husband's reactions, particularly his resistance to adjustment, are not simply set before us without any culpability. 

Overall, we see the words that are said. We see the reactions they elicit, and the viewer takes what they will. A woman might see herself in Joy masturbating after shit sex. She might also see herself in Joy's complete offense at Alan blaming her for not pushing through painful sex. She may also see a woman that she deems negative and unaccommodating to a well-meaning husband. The men watching may also identify in different ways with the couple in this scene. It's hard to know exactly how this scene fits into our communal understanding of ladygasms and female sexuality; how it might change or solidify a person's assumptions and opinions. However, I give it props for just existing, because I think the responsible thread in this scene, despite what any individual may take from it, is that there is realism in how these people act and react in this very intimate situation. 

As for me, I see a depiction of a woman that may not be so excited about getting fucked, but is excited about making herself come...and that's cool enough, my friends.

This gets 4 out of 5 vulvas

(!)(!)(!)(!)

Does masturbation have to include orgasm - a debate with myself

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I'm halfway through writing another post right now, and I got into a rabbit hole that I think is kinda complicated and I want to skim it in that post, but don't want to get too deep, so I'm writing a discussion about it here to reference in future articles.

Is it fair to use the word masturbation for self-sensual endeavors that do not at some level have orgasm and/or ejaculation as the intention - even if you're not trying to 'chase' the orgasm and/or ejaculation?

I ask this because it kinda gets at me that there is such an emphasis in female masturbation advice about it not being 'about' the orgasm. I know why that emphasis is there, and I kinda get it and can get behind it, but also if females had a sensible sexual culture where lady-gasm was correctly understood and depicted realistically in our media, and if normal, everyday sex acts made ample room for lady-gasm the way it does for dude-gasms, would we really need to keep assuring females that masturbation doesn't have to include orgasm? And does playing down the importance of orgasm during masturbation also play down the importance of fixing a sexual culture that doesn't give females enough room for their orgasm?

I'm going to play both sides just to have the argument down, because, hey dude, it's complicated and both answers seem a little right and a little wrong to me.

YES - It is fair. Masturbation does not and should not necessarily have the intention of orgasm behind it.

Sexual interaction has a lot of different facets, and orgasm is merely one of them. Things like sensual appreciation, emotion, connection, sexual arousal, fantasy, relaxation, and bodily pleasure can all be focuses. Masturbation is no different. It can be a time to bring one's body a variety of physical pleasures, explore one's fantasies, brew up sexual arousal, connect emotionally with yourself, to relax. A focus on orgasm specifically can overshadow all these other lovely things.

There is also the matter of the large quantity of adult women that have yet to explore their body through masturbation. A sexual relationship with one's self is maybe the most important sexual relationship a person has. However, because of our shit sexual culture, a lot of females have not felt like masturbation was an option for them - especially as teenagers when many males began, and thus lots of females have engaged in partner sex without ever exploring their own bodies and learning what they like sexually, which also means they likely have never orgasmsed. I'd also argue that because a lot of females have had lots of sexual encounters without having also orgasmed, their level of physical and mental arousal associated with sexual stimuli has lowered over time in a way that males or others that can largely, through experience, equate sexual stimuli with the possibility of orgasm, have not.

That all means that sexual arousal in many (if not most) females can become a tricky business - needing more or different stimuli than one might expect. After a number of non-orgasmic sexual interactions or certain cultural stiflings of sexuality, it must, in some ways, be learned or relearned what does (as opposed to what's supposed to but doesn't actually) make them hot. Thus it makes sense that masturbation advice, in a very practical sense, best be put forth to many females as more an investigative journey of the body and mind - something that must be slowly used to find or re-find arousal and bodily sensation. This means the orgasm, quite literally, might be hard to come by until that ability to arouse oneself is gained/regained because orgasm is the release of that physical sexual arousal (release of the pelvic blood congestion and muscle tension built up in physical arousal).

Pushing the idea that masturbation is not complete without orgasm could do way more harm than good because it may seem daunting - particularly for someone that is struggling with arousal, and if orgasm was tried for but not attained, it may feel incredibly frustrating and that frustration and worry could be carried into the next try. It's a truth that being worried about your ability to orgasm while trying to orgasm is a great way to lose arousal and a terrible way to get to an orgasm - for anyone. It's a way of being distracted from the actual genital sensations, of being outside of the moment. An orgasm just sort of happens when one reaches a certain amount of arousal and stimulation, but it can be easily blocked.

So, encouraging masturbation that is more about the journey, is a way to make room for all the people out there (particularly many females) that need low pressure, accepting entry-points into masturbation that allows for self discovery and trial and error. This type of encouragement can also help those females and males that do masturbate for orgasm fairly easily. For these people, they can be encouraged to take time to focus on other pleasures of their mind and body and expand their ability to appreciate sensuality that doesn't lead to orgasm. In particular this may be useful to (probably mostly male) partners of (probably mostly female) people that don't often or ever get to orgasm during sexual encounters. It may allow the orgasming partner to focus on other pleasurable elements that also feel good to their partner and to stop focusing too much on their own drive to orgasm. It could help slow the sex act down and open space for the non-orgasming partner to use their masturbatory work to find their arousal or pleasure and maybe eventually find their own orgasm in the sex.

NO- it is not really fair. I think embedded in the idea of masturbation is at some level an attempt towards orgasm, and the only reason that is challenged is because we have a shit sexual culture where too many women do not orgasm and instead of blatantly calling how bullshit that is, we shove it under the rug by building up the idea that orgasm isn't important (for females).

So, I'm not saying that any masturbation act is not masturbation if there is no orgasm and/or ejaculation at the end, but I think there is a difference and maybe there should be a discernible word for a sensual touching of one's own body that in no way has anything to do with having or learning to or working toward a possibility of an orgasm. I'm not saying you have to chase the orgasm either. I'm just saying that if one is working to cause sexual arousal to arise in the body, there's something a little off about just stopping randomly within that arousal for no other reason than 'orgasm isn't that important.' I mean, maybe you were interrupted or didn't have enough time. Maybe you are taking it slow as a way to learn and stopping in the arousal will help you either control your orgasm better or understand your arousal better to help attain orgasm in future masturbation sessions. Maybe you need to learn to not feel pressure to orgasm, which can block ability to orgasm, so you specifically intend not to orgasm during that masturbation session. Maybe you literally just weren't able to get off even though you tried, and so you stopped.

Orgasm is the release of blood congestion and muscle tension that's been built up during sexual arousal. If there's no orgasm at the end, then one is just left with engorged genitals (btw women have as much blood congestion down there. It's just mostly in the inner clit legs and vestibular bulbs). Isn't it a little odd to think about a dude getting his dick all hard and then just stopping, just because. Like, he could orgasm, but meh, he feels done with the masturbation, so he stops and lets his engorged dick just slowly go down. That doesn't seem all that strange to say for a female though, does it? Even though she would be left the same way, with blue clit.

And that's the bigger point I want to get into. I think the underlying reality to the idea that "orgasm isn't that important" is that it's not important for females. And it's not because it's actually not important. It's because women don't have them near as much as their bodies will allow, as much as they deserve, and as much as males expect to have themselves, and it's easier to pretend women are choosing that because "orgasm isn't that important" than to face the hard reality that our sexual culture simply doesn't provide the space or information or the examples needed to really allow females a true choice about whether to orgasm or not during masturbation and/or sex.

So, on an individual level, yeah, I get it. It's important to not make people (particularly females) feel shamed for not having orgasms, and in some ways saying that orgasm isn't the most important thing helps people on that individual level. Because truly, it's not their fault and they're not broken, and tons of women are in their shoes -no need to feel bad. However, pull out to a larger societal level and it is a fucking problem, and we should be worried, and we should be trying to fix this.

If females were on a level sexual playing field and did have an actual choice in the same way males do, it would be different, and I'd have no problem with reminders that orgasm isn't everything. In fact, for many people (particularly males), it's an important reminder that every sex act with another person is a negotiation that doesn't necessarily need to include their orgasm. But I also feel like those reminders serve more as a smoothing over of the appalling reality that most women don't orgasm most of the time during sex acts, even though our bodies are as able to do so as male bodies. It's a way to just accept that fate instead of looking at it and seeing how fucked up it is. 'Oh, you didn't orgasm? Well, you liked the emotional part right? You got aroused? That's just as important!' But is it? Really? What if you could have it all - the emotion, the arousal, the orgasm?

My point is, the idea of underselling orgasm to me wreaks of underselling female sexuality, and allows us to continue moving forward, eyes closed, ignoring how fucking insane it is that women give so much sexually and expect so little.

Masturbation Advice In The Time Of Corona

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Hello from my COVID-19 mostly social isolation.
It's mostly because I manage an "essential" group of workers at my otherwise shut-down-and-work-from-home company. So basically the lab still has to run, and they need people to run it. I've split the team into groups, though, so we only work either by ourselves or sometimes with one other person. We're cleaning our spaces before and after we leave each day. We had a person in the adjoining building test positive for COVID-19, and they closed down to clean for a day, but we're back at it. We are on for 2 days off for 5. The situation I put together is not perfect for social isolation, but it's better than nothing when you're told work has to go on. I'm getting paid and they are letting me create my own team's schedule so it could be much worse, and I'm not complaining in the slightest...and my team is pretty awesome.

I hope all of you out there are making the best of your isolation. I hope everyone that is losing income gets the help they need. I hope you and your people stay healthy. I hope you have access to things you need. If you have to still be out there working I hope you have the resources to be as safe as possible. I hope you are finding kindness, entertainment, and comfort in the people you come in contact with (mostly virtually or from a strong distance). I wish everyone out there the best.

As for me, this has given me a bit more time to write. I have felt a lot less able to make time for writing this blog the last few years for a variety of reasons, and I don't love that because I really love this blog. It would be a dream come true for this blog and this orgasm equality activism to be my full-time gig, but at the same time I also don't want to get my income from this blog or this activism. I want to have nothing tying me to any interests and no pressure to get clicks or to sell anything or to get and keep sponsors. I want to continue doing this exactly how and when I want because I don't really get sick of it when I do that. So, even though I don't always have the time I feel I need, if I'm honest, having a good money/benefits job with this as a side gig (until I become independently wealthy, of course) is actually a pretty good situation. So although I'm kinda complaining, I honestly can't complain too much.

This extra time, though, is extra nice and so I am going to up my game - even if just for the duration of the isolation. I'm going back to my old standard of at least twice a week posts. I'm also just going to try and engage more with people working on this topic in the media. I love to praise people speaking lady-gasm truths and gently point out errors to those that are putting out misinformation. That's my bag.

So, if you're reading this, I assume you're someone that reads my blog, and I hope you enjoy the extra stuff I'll be putting out. Please write me or comment if you have anything at all to say. I can't tell you how much I love that.

by Charles Borowicz

Now for a little SSL substance in this post....masturbation.
I'm not the first, the last, or the only one to say it, but a time of isolation is also a great time to focus on some masturbation. In fact the internet porn site Pornhub has given all of Italy free access to their premium content this month, so like, it's not just me. Other people are assuming there will be a lot of rubbing genitals out there in the world for the next few months.

• As a champion of orgasm equality for the ladies, I'm also a champion of: 
• lady-bation
• non-intercourse focused sexual interactions
• teaching and knowing the clitoral glans is as important to female orgasm as the penis is to male orgasm
• depicting realistic ways of physically achieving lady-gasms in our books, tv, movies, and porn
• accurately understanding and communicating the scientific investigations about how orgasms physically happen and asking for even more and better physical lady-gasm studies
• ladies feeling empowered to ask for the touches they need for orgasm and also feeling as though they deserve an orgasm or at least a solid try at orgasm during a sexual encounter
• and last but not least - the very important fucking up of cultural assumptions that 1.women can be banged into an orgasm and 2. that women's bodies are some kind of deeply complicated widely varied orgasm maze-puzzle

There's other stuff too, like convincing people that Freud's ideas can mostly go fuck themselves, and I do get into all that stuff in this blog, but here I just want to talk about masturbation.

In fact I'm going to throw down some SSL-style masturbation advice. Take it or leave it, but it's all towards the aim of Orgasm Equality.

To those with a clit:
1 Use your goddamn clit and the surrounding tissue down there. Experiment with it. Enjoy it. If it hurts or feels boring, stop doing that and try something else.

Even for people who have taken damage to their genitals or their sexual psyche, the body is a remarkable thing and you may be surprised at what experimenting between your legs, completely in control, on your own, with no pressure can offer you.

Even if your way of getting to pleasure or orgasm isn't quite like you might expect, keep investigating with your body and your mind. There are good feelings, physical pleasure, and orgasms to be had and you are the one that can find them.

2 Don't rely on anyone else to know your body or your desire or to teach you about your orgasm. Like, for real. If you don't know how to orgasm on your own, then you should have no expectation that you will orgasm with another person. None.

If you did happen to orgasm for the first time with another person. Congrats on having that experience. You're lucky. Now take that knowledge and continue investigating on your own. It's probably the only way you can continue orgasming consistently with another person.

If you are sexually active, masturbation is critical.

3 Don't feel bad about masturbating, desiring, or fantasizing. If that's not easy for you, start investigating ways to help it be more easy. I don't have answers for that. I'm sorry someone/everyone/the whole of culture put it in your mind that you don't deserve to use your own body in a way that feels good to you. You deserve the power to make yourself orgasm. All humans do.

4 Know that if the things happening to you during partner sex (getting a penis banged into your vagina, for instance) do not mimic the things you do during masturbation to make yourself come (rubbing your clitoral glans/vuvla area for instance). You or you partner should not be expecting you to come. Period.

5 Don't be afraid to admit masturbation to your partner. If your partner is worried about you masturbating, but you like masturbating. Get a new partner.

6 It is okay to masturbate during times when your partner would like more sexual interaction with you. Your sexual relationship with yourself is precious, and deserves attention.

I think this is particularly important for the ladies because most of us have had at least some damage done to our desire over the years whether it be from sexual abuse, years of sexual encounters that were anywhere from really shitty to painful to boring, a life of sexual encounters that too often or always end only in your partner's orgasm, from the culture squashing female sexuality in all numbers of ways, or lots of other things ladies have to endure with sexuality in this world. This damage is accumulative, largely invisible, and not easy to shake - even when you are with a kind partner that you really love.

We don't talk about it near enough, but sometimes what you need to aid in healing is your own time to be with your own sexual body and sexual thoughts and a partner that respects that and doesn't fucking sulk around if you don't give every ounce of your sexual energy to them.

7 If you are only orgasming during masturbation and not during sexual interactions with other people, know that for clit-bearers that is super normal because the world does not really understand how we physically orgasm...not seriously and practically understand at least.

Also know that it's bullshit, and you deserve to orgasm as much as any man does during sexual encounters.

At the same time know it's not easy for a variety of reasons to get from masturbation orgasm to consistent orgasms with a sexual partner. You have to put in work, have hard conversations, maybe tell a partner or a few to fuck off, try-fail-repeat many times, teach over and over, get creative and bold, and ya know, do a bunch of hard shit penis-owners just simply don't have to do. It sucks, and I'm sorry, and I hope it gets less like this for each new generations, but understand this is where we all currently stand.

Have fun.

For those with a penis:
1 You need to include the masturbation practices of your clit bearing partners in your sexual encounters with them because you have an advantage in partnered sexual situations. The whole world knows basically how to get you off. Yeah, there's individual preferences, but don't confuse your problem of having to tell someone that you personally like shorter strokes and more lube, with a problem of deep seeded incorrect knowledge of your sexual anatomy and orgasm that resides deep inside both yourself and your partner. Read my whole post about this. This disadvantage is fucking real.

Anyway, my point is, if you are not okay with your clit-bearing partner masturbating and including all aspects of that masturbation practice in your sexual encounters, then you need to get over that shit quick. And I mean you need to not just 'be okay' with it, you need to expect it, enjoy it, make extra room for it, and encourage it (without being pushy).

2 Be patient with clit-bearers and masturbation. The truth is a lot of women don't know shit about their orgasm, haven't masturbated and are a bit confused/embarrassed/sad/mad/frustrated/hurt by their relationship to orgasm, masturbation and sexual partners. We can be confused and confusing when it comes to orgasm and masturbation and, well, just deal with it.

Be open and prepared with everything I said up above, but also let your partner do whatever they need. This sexual culture for ladies is a real asshole, and frankly, we get fucked up in it. Getting through the tangle of fucked-upedness is a slow, arduous journey and it's different for every women, so be patient and kind and thoughtful and don't get mad or pushy or patronizing or indignant, or for god sake, sulky. If it's hard for you to deal with, I'm sorry. It's harder for them. If you don't like it, you can always just move on.

3 Don't feel bad about masturbating, desiring, or fantasizing. You deserve the power to make yourself orgasm. All humans do.

That said, remember your ability to see fantasies in porn and other media that include you using another person in ways that are orgasmic and sexually exciting to you, but neither orgasmic nor sexually exciting to the person on the receiving end are like a million times greater than that of a clit-bearer. Even if some people who would be on the receiving end say they like it and in porn and movies most actors act as if they LOVE it, use your goddamn head and put yourself in their place remembering all the stuff in this blog and my movie about how lady-gasms do and do not work and remembering that sex is much, much, much grosser when you are not highly aroused.

What I'm saying here is it's fine to fantasize about whatever, and honestly in this world, with the sexual images that exist for us, it's hard for someone with a penis to not fantasize about things that are somewhere in between gross/painful/mean/demeaning and certainly non-orgasmic for the receiver. I get it. I, even with this clit I have, fantasize about shit when I'm masturbating that is gross/painful/mean/demeaning/non-orgasmic to me. It's not because I want to have that happen to me in real life. That stuff would and has damaged my sexuality and desire in ways I wish it hadn't. It's because it's most of the sexually charged stuff I've seen my whole life. We're in the same boat with that, but remember you have so much more power there.

Fantasize as you will and masturbate all you want to those fantasies, porn and images, but don't get that fantasy confused in your head with how things should go in real life. It's harder than you think to suss out, and even if you're sitting here saying you would never mix fantasy and reality, dig a little deeper, consider harder, switch up your perspective more. I'm certain you do at least to some degree, and you could be better about it.

4 Don't be afraid to admit masturbation to your partner. If your partner is worried about you masturbating, but you like masturbating, get a new partner.

But...also a couple things.

1. Don't be a hypocrite. Don't even think about worrying if she masturbates, or tries to mimic her masturbation during your sexual encounters. Like don't even send out the slightest whiff of it bothering you.

2. Do be thoughtful about how different the cultural education on masturbation is for penis vs. clit people. Masturbation is taboo to a degree for everyone, but it's a whole other level for the ladies and you might want to talk about it realizing her perspective is very different.

5 It is okay to masturbate when you have an available significant other. In fact, probably consider it more of an option.

First off, the truth is any two people in a sexual relationship will not always be on the same page sexually all the time, and you don't owe each other your bodies just because you're together. If you're horny and they are not, go masturbate. If you want a certain type of thing and they want something else, go take care of it yourselves.

And please don't act like masturbation is a consolation prize. Don't sulk about having to masturbate when you have a partner that could accommodate your dick. That's bullshit. If you think jerking your dick is somehow not necessary when there is a pussy around, fuck yourself - literally and figuratively.

Masturbation is awesome and any sexual person should be able to enjoy themselves sexually. It's not a consolation prize, it's just a prize.

Second, the ol' joke about girlfriends liking to have sex and wives not is something people say because there's truth in it. Sex with you has the element of newness with your new girlfriend, but it doesn't with your wife. The truth is that clit people have tons of sex in their life (including their past sex had with you, let's be honest) that just doesn't end in orgasm. However, penis people mostly always end their sex with an orgasm. Because of their life-long compilation of sexual experiences, one of these groups tend to associate the possibility for sex with the physical sensation of orgasm and the other associates the possibility of sex with a much more varied amount of things; disappointment, pleasure but no orgasm, the unaroused perspective of how gross sex is, and maybe occasionally - orgasm. So it's very possible that your sexual desire as a person with a penis has strongly lingered well past the fizzling of newness, emotional excitement, and a strong partner-pleasing desire because, well, sex in and of itself is orgasmic and fun for you, but not reliably for them.

So remember your experience is very likely not the same as your partners and thus their desire will not be the same. Don't underestimate or devalue that difference and understand that sometimes you should just happily jerk off if she's not in the mood and you are. Even if you are a kind person and your partner loves you very, very much, and you have worked hard alongside your partner to make sure her clit is stimulated to orgasm every time you two have sexual relations, it's still likely she has accumulated damage to her desire from past experiences - and that damage does not just go away by itself. So, don't add to that damage by doing what I personally think is one of the worst things you can do to someone's desire; guilt them into having sex by persistence, sulking, or any other aggressive or passive aggressive way.

So, like I said - just jerk off happily if you're in the mood and she's not.

May you also have fun.