Cosmo SSL Review: Jan 2013 #5: Bedside Astrologer

Oh yeah, baby - I'm still working through my SSL review of the January 2013 Cosmo Magazine. Why? Well, it keeps me off the streets, and you know, it also works toward holding female focused media accountable for what they are insinuating to women about female orgasm, and that's what I'm into these days.

The review this time is on the Cosmopolitan Bedside Astrologer 2013 promising "A Month-by-Month Guide to Kicking Ass This Year." It's this little booklet attached in the center of the magazine, and each 2-page spread is dedicated to a Zodiac sign. So, for instance, my Capricorn spread tells me about my love, life, and work in the year ahead, 5 kick ass things about me, what turns me on, what gives me warm fuzzies, and by golly even month by month predictions. So, I learned that electronic gadgets are my guilty pleasure, my dirty sense of humor could give Russel Brand a run for his money, and that hot make-out sessions do it for me - especially if there's lots of tongue. Only one of those is actually true.

The Capricorn spread also informs me about the Capricorn man, and that's where the SSL Reviewing comes in - well, not specifically in the Capricorn guy stuff but in a couple of the other Zodiac guys. I get to find out what makes each of these guys irresistable, and since this is Cosmo, you know some of em' are gonna get generically sexy up in here, ya'll!

Aries Man: "Coming up with intense positions to make you orgasm is one of his favorite things to do."

Really, Cosmo? Aries Man sits around thinking about how to twist my legs behind my head or which appliance to bend me over so that his dick can make me come? I guess I'm making the assumption that  "positions" means different ways of sticking penises into vaginas. I mean I'm pretty sure that's the general way it's used. However, if I'm wrong, and if one of the positions is me watching porn and eating mozzarella sticks and coffee ice cream while a robot vibrator takes care of my clit and hot naked Aries Man is cleaning my room, well then I'm completely behind this. I don't think that's what was meant though.

In all seriousness, this description of Aries Man reinforces the oh-so-common misconception that the positions; angles, depth, and stroking power are what gives women their orgasms. Firstly, stimulation on the inside of the vagina ain't gonna give a gal an orgasm. Secondly, I think that speaking about lady-gasms as though men are in charge of making them happen is irresponsible. Yes, a man can get a woman to come just like a woman can for a man (oral loving' baby!), but there are just too many women out there who don't understand that they need to take control of making the actions happen that will lead to their orgasm...and too many men out there thinking they need to take control of the actions to give the lady what she needs. That is unfortunate since rubbing one's own junk is a fantastic, sure-fired, and self controlled way to come during partnered sex. I highly recommend such things, and I would hope a female focused magazine that purports to be sex positive would pay attention more to how they speak about lady-gasms.

Libra Man: "He has longevity in bed and can go all night long. Basically, as long as it takes you to climax is how long he'll last."

Yay! Libra Man will poke his dick in me for hours until I can't take it anymore and decide to fake an orgasm so he'll finish up and let me be! Seriously though, dicks poking in vaginas do not orgasms make - no matter how long the poking goes on. The idea that women take about 30 minutes to orgasm and men take like 3 only exists because sex acts between women and men tend to have a lot of intercourse involved, and that means men get a lot of direct penile stimulation and the clitoral stimulation is limited to mostly indirect or sometimes non at all. So yeah, it's gonna take a while for the ladies...if it even happens. However, if women get as much direct clit stim as men get penile stim, then there wouldn't be this huge difference. Women don't actually need 10 times longer than men to orgasm. There's really not much difference between average time to orgasm between men and women when when it comes to masturbating - just a couple minutes. Seriously. So, Libra man should worry about stimulating your vulva clit area and not about keeping his dick hard so he can ram into your vagina for hours.

It's just some little astrology comments, but little pieces of bullshit like this can give the teen girls who read this stuff the wrong idea (and honestly isn't that the majority of people who read Cosmo?). The insinuation here is that women need weird, intense intercourse positions to come, and that the man is gonna make that happen - oh and that if a dude pounds into you long enough, you come. It's bad things to insinuate. Come on Cosmo - be better.

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